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Wed Nov 11, 2020, 05:00 PM

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-16: Happy Days Are Here Again Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-16: Happy Days Are Here Again Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? I know, this has been quite a week, hasn’t it? For the first time in five years I feel like I can finally sleep easier at night. Why is that you might ask? WE GOT HIM!!! Holy shit we actually got him! That’s right ladies and gentlemen, Kanye West finally conceded! Oh I am kidding. But for this week we’re actually breaking with California protocols and having an audience! It’s a small one but we actually have a live audience for the first time since March and boy does it feel good! Now you might be asking because we have a competent president, what the hell are we going to talk about? Well you know the Top 10 began when Obama was president, because remember when we used to have a competent president? Now, we have a Biden presidency to look forward to. Unfortunately Fox News still exists. And unfortunately even under a Biden presidency conservative idiocy is not going away any time soon. Especially because Trump is hopping mad and he’s planning on stealing the election if he hasn’t already! But yes we finally have new leadership and it’s very much happening. OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and his latest show is actually taking the concept of “Last Week Tonight” and making it actually about last week:

We did it!!! And we have a massive Top 10 to celebrate! In the first slot this week is the triumphant return of a fan favorite Top 10 segment – the Trumper Games! And oh boy, I have been waiting four long, excruciating years but we finally get to add @realDonaldTrump (1) to the list of tributes who get eliminated from the contest! Who will be the last left standing? Taking the second slot this week is the 2020 Election (2) and we’re going to profile some of the biggest winners and losers – most notably the state of Kentucky because we are unfortunately stuck with Moscow Mitch for another term. In the third slot this week is the Donald Trump Campaign (3) because oh man this might be one of the biggest presidential screw ups in the history of presidential screw ups! In the #4 slot this week we have another entry in the ever-growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected, and the first is Alabama’s new Congressman and former Auburn football coach Tommy Tuberville (4) – seriously how did this guy beat Doug Jones? It boggles the mind! In the #5 slot this week is Kanye West (5). Oh Yeezy, give it a rest. You had your fun running for president, but you’re an entertainer, stay in your lane! In the #6 slot this week, we’re giving Top 10 Investigates a week off because we have to talk about the insanity coming from the right called “Stop The Steal” – you lost, get over it! That’s what you have told us for the last 4 years anyways! In the number 7 slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, and this week our resident pastor is going to show what members of the Christian right are taking sides, and well, it’s going to get ugly the next time you’re actually able to go to church! In the number 8 slot this week is Steve Bannon (8) and people, threatening to murder someone is not cool, so don’t do it! Taking the number 9 (NEIN!!) slot this week we have a new election edition of People Are Dumb, because even the election hasn’t stopped the stupid from being stupid! Finally this week in Road To The White House, we have even more thoughts on what has been an absolutely insane election season. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]The Trumper Games
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Hey everybody! I am baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!! I am baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! Yes we are defying orders because we haven’t done this since Top 10 7-3. Yes, it has been a while and there have been some departures but we couldn’t do this segment because well COVID. But this week there has been an absolutely shocking turn of events – there has been an elimination! Yes, there has been one man who everyone has been dying to eliminate. That man is the president himself! Mmmm… yes… this champagne has never tasted so good! But where is my humble man servant Nathaniel? Yes, come on out here, Nathanial! We are celebrating today! Because as of November 7th – our long national nightmare is finally over! But the president himself is refusing to go quietly!

Joe Biden won the presidential election on Saturday after the Associated Press called him the winner in Pennsylvania, pushing the former Vice President past the 270 electoral college votes needed to clinch the White House.

Less than half an hour after the news, President Donald Trump’s lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, alleged without any evidence that the electoral system in Philadelphia, which had contributing to Biden’s victory, was riddled with fraud. It was the latest indication that, even as Trump’s path to victory evaporates, his campaign will continue to fight the outcome in court.

In the past week alone, the Trump campaign blitzed state and federal courts with roughly a dozen new lawsuits, most attempting to halt the vote-counting process or disqualify tranches of ballots. The majority of the Trump campaign’s lawsuits were filed in Pennsylvania, Nevada, Georgia, and Michigan—states where either Biden’s margin of victory is relatively slim, or where a winner has yet to be called.

After Biden declared victory on Saturday, President Donald Trump seemed poised to continue to fight in court. In comments from the White House, he vowed to pursue a lawsuit in Pennsylvania. But legal experts say his chances of meaningfully challenging the election are dwindling. Many of his campaign’s lawsuits filed this week have been dismissed on lack of merit, and the ones that have gained some traction are unlikely to change the outcome of the Presidential race.

Oh that’s fierce! And the president is hopping mad, people! He is not going to go quietly! Damn it Nathaniel, where is my champagne? Ah here it is! Next time don’t keep me waiting! So how did the President himself get eliminated from the Trumper Games? Well it’s a matter of the fact that well, he’s a raging asshole. And two, there’s nothing graceful about him. But really the president’s biggest victim in all of this is the president himself.

It all finally caught up to him. The lies, the outrageous boasts, the disorder and disastrous management, the rants and the race-baiting, the predatory instincts and compulsion to dominate—all the things that made President Donald Trump the ringmaster of the American political circus at last compelled a majority of voters to drive him out of the tent.

Few other Presidents in modern history so inflamed the nation or exposed the cracks in our democracy as Trump. In the end, Trump’s pride didn’t just precede his fall, it precipitated it. Until the final months, his campaign was managed by a novice who burned through millions of dollars. Trump thought he could wish away a deadly virus. He dismissed his legions of critics, preferring to bask in the adulation of fans. He governed as President only of his base, and he ran for re-election without pivoting toward the center. He barely articulated a policy vision for a second term. He campaigned hard, jetting to dozens of rallies on Air Force One in the final weeks of the campaign, and outperforming the expectations of many thanks to a formidable ground game, a sophisticated campaign data operation and a passionate base of support.

But in the end, the Trump presidency ended much as it began: with a thin margin in key states separating two candidates in an anxious nation, and Trump appealing to America’s demons over its better angels, hurling baseless claims that he’d been robbed.

Yes, I love it too! And come on people, do you know the President like we do here at the Trumper Games? Well even members of the president’s own family are telling him that he needs to step down and end this charade. It’s madness. But he won’t. Come on Trump just admit that you lost and you hate being the president so we can get on with our lives already! Seriously – Jim Carrey said it best – Trump is a grade A LOO-HOO-SE-HER.

President Donald Trump's inner circle is beginning to split over his ongoing refusal to accept the results of the 2020 election, as Jared Kushner and first lady Melania Trump advised him to come to terms with President-elect Joe Biden's victory and his adult sons pressed him and allies to keep fighting.

Kushner, the President's son-in-law and senior adviser, has approached him to concede, two sources told CNN. The first lady, according to a separate source familiar with the conversations, has privately said the time has come for him to accept the election loss.

Meanwhile, Trump's two adult sons, Donald Jr. and Eric, have urged allies to continue pressing on and they have pushed Republicans and supporters to publicly reject the results even as CNN and other news organizations projected the race for Biden on Saturday.

Trump's campaign is planning a messaging blitz to fuel its argument -- unsupported by any evidence to date -- that the President's second term is being stolen from him through corrupt vot

Yes and anything goes during one of the biggest elections in the deeply divided America that we currently live in. Now kids, I am going to draw a line down the center of the house, and you live on your side and we’ll live on ours. Got that? But as much damage as the President is doing, one thing is for certain – he’s going to burn it all down in a blaze of glory before he goes! But for now consider the President – originally a tribute from the First District – ELIMINATED!!!

Donald Trump came to use the line often at his campaign rallies. “Can you imagine if you lose to a guy like this?” he would say of Joe Biden. “It’s unbelievable.”

It’s not so unbelievable now. Despite record turnout, and a tighter than expected race, the US president’s blind faith in the power of positive thinking appears to have collided with the reality of a coronavirus pandemic, a chaotic campaign and the uprising of a democratic and Democratic resistance. He is the first incumbent to lose a bid for re-election since George H W Bush in 1992.

More successful incumbents have made elections about their challengers rather than themselves. But Trump could neither escape the pandemic and its economic fallout nor find a way to define Biden. With more than 225,000 Americans dead after contracting the virus, his closing rallies were held largely in midwestern states enduring record infections, hospitalisations and deaths.

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[font size="8"]2020 Election Highlights
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We need some music for this one!

Yes at long last happy days are here again! One thing is for certain – Trump lost!! First incumbent in more than 30 years to not be awarded a second term! And rightfully so. But for this entry we’re going to talk about the highlights of this election – well besides Joe Biden winning and Trump losing, there’s plenty of other hot voting action going on throughout the country. Like senators and always the laughing stock of every single election – the propositions on the ballot in my home state of California. Of which there were many. But before we get into that – let’s talk about Joe Biden winning for a minute. This is truly a momentous occasion that should be celebrated.

Joseph R. Biden Jr. addressed the nation for the first time as president-elect on Saturday night, delivering a message of unity and trying to soothe the extraordinary divisions that defined the last four years in American politics.

“Let this grim era of demonization in America begin to end here and now,” he said.

In remarks before a drive-in audience in Wilmington brimming with longtime friends from Delaware, his home state, he directly appealed to the tens of millions of Americans who backed President Trump’s re-election, seeking to make good on his central campaign promise of bringing the country together.

“For all those of you who voted for President Trump, I understand the disappointment tonight,” Mr. Biden, speaking at the conclusion of his third run for the presidency, said. “I’ve lost a couple times myself. But now, let’s give each other a chance. It’s time to put away the harsh rhetoric, lower the temperature, see each other again, listen to each other again.”

That’s right – Trump is one pathetic loser and he’s trying to steal what little he has left in the election – and don’t worry – we will cover that in full next week. But now let’s move on to the second biggest election in the entire country – the Kentucky senate election between Mitch McConnell and Amy McGrath. Don’t boo yet – I can already preemptively hear your boos – but there really wasn’t much of a contest there.

Regardless of who controls the Senate next year, Republicans and Democrats will have the same leaders they do now.

The Senate GOP on Tuesday unanimously reelected Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell as the caucus’ leader. Likewise, all Senate Democrats chose Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer to head their caucus.

The election results have not yet indicated who will enter the next Congress with a Senate majority. Republicans and Democrats will both come out of the 2020 election with at least 48 Senate seats, a net gain of one for Democrats, NBC News projects.

NBC has not called the winner of four Senate races. At least one outstanding race, and potentially two, in Georgia will get decided by a runoff in January.

That’s right – Mitch McConnell will remain the leader of the GOP senate unfortunately which means that if the Democratic elections in Georgia prevail, he still could be the deciding vote. Now let’s switch gears and talk about my home state of California. Because no matter what state you’re from, you will have measures on the ballot. But your measures don’t measure to California’s propositions of which there were many. They were varied, and both the yes and no had big money behind them. So what were the big winners and losers?

The message that California voters sent in the presidential election was unequivocal: With almost two-thirds of ballots counted so far going for Joseph R. Biden Jr., the nation’s most populous state put up mammoth numbers for the Democrats. But dig a little deeper into the results and a more complex picture of the Golden State voter emerges, of strong libertarian impulses and resistance to some quintessentially liberal ideas.

In a series of referendums, voters in California rejected affirmative action, decisively shot down an expansion of rent control and eviscerated a law that gives greater labor protections for ride-share and delivery drivers, a measure that had the strong backing of labor unions. A measure that would have raised taxes on commercial landlords to raise billions for a state that sorely needs revenue also seemed on track for defeat.

The full force of the election results provided something of a gut check for liberals in a state that plays a big role in the Democratic Party and often offers insights into where the rest of the nation might be headed.

“The results in California show the Democrats that you can go too far,” said Bob Shrum, a former Democratic strategist and the director of the Dornsife Center for the Political Future at the University of Southern California. “California is a very liberal state that is now resistant to higher taxes and welcoming to the new gig economy, which is where the industry was created.”

Yes unfortunately the “gig economy” will stay just that – a gig economy. And don’t worry next week we will dive more into the like 20 or so propositions that were on California’s ballot. But one that we will discuss was the controversial Dialysis measure that required doctors or trained nurses to be on site at all deregulated clinics. That would seem like a no brainer right? WRONG!

A $100-million effort to impose new regulations on the dialysis industry was defeated Tuesday.

Proposition 23 would have required dialysis clinics to employ at least one doctor who would be on site whenever patients are receiving treatment. Supporters of the measure, including the Service Employees International Union-United Healthcare Workers West, said dialysis clinics were putting profits over patient care by not having a doctor available in the event of complications or an emergency.

Opponents, however, argued the measure was the latest attempt by SEIU-UHW to weaponize the ballot box to try to force the dialysis industry to spend millions to defend itself when the union’s real interest is getting clinic workers to unionize. The dialysis industry put more than $100 million into fighting the measure, saying the unnecessary added cost would lead to dialysis clinics closing, which would put patients at risk.

Proposition 23 was opposed by 64% of voters, according to the state’s unofficial election tally Wednesday morning.

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[font size="8"]Rudy Guiliani
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OK I’ll admit it – I’ve only seen 3 episodes of VEEP. And I just finally got around to finishing Parks & Recreation. And I’m aware no campaign – whether it’s for city council or POTUS – is immune from blunders. But this blunder ranks as about one of the biggest blunders in history. I mean no one could have fucked things up the way this turned out am I right? In case you don’t know what I am talking about – on Saturday, while the whole world was celebrating the downfall of Twitter’s @realDonaldTrump, Trump’s attorney Rudy Guiliani gave a press conference and they had an incredibly interesting choice of venue.

On Saturday morning, shortly before the AP and other news outlets called the election for Joe Biden, President Donald Trump took to Twitter to announce that his lawyers would be holding a “big press conference” in Philadelphia. But there seems to have been some major confusion about where it would be held. First Trump tweeted it would take place at the “Four Seasons, Philadelphia.” Trump later corrected himself and said that the news conference was going to be held at the Four Seasons Total Landscaping. And the Four Seasons Hotel sent out its own tweet, making sure everyone knew that the news conference would not be held there but rather at the landscaping business that has “no relation with the hotel.”

When journalists arrived at the site of the news conference, they were flabbergasted by the scene and many quickly speculated that someone in the Trump campaign made a serious mistake. After all, the parking lot of a landscaping business in the outskirts of the city in an industrial part of town was a drab backdrop for a news conference by a president who wanted to convince Americans he still had a chance of winning. And making matters even stranger, the landscaping business was between an adult bookstore and a cremation center. The location led to lots of mockery online, and many people were very happy with the scene that was ripe for mockery, and some saw as a poignant metaphor of the failure of the Trump campaign.

I have to say I'm really liking this new direction for Veep, I think the writers are... oh wait I am being told this is real! Seriously??? This actually happened? Someone is getting fired! Yeah that happened! In all seriousness, the Trump campaign started on a gold escalator. Now it’s going to end in the parking lot of a landscaping company next to an adult bookstore. Well the good news is that the shit is being mocked out of this event. Like for instance VR furries!

Four Seasons Total Landscaping, the Philadelphia business smack dab between a crematorium and a sex shop, is in many ways the heart and soul of America.

It also happens to be the place where former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani and other supporters of President Donald Trump's failed reelection campaign addressed the press after media outlets called the race for his Democratic opponent Joe Biden.

Now, it exists in VR — complete with weathered detailing and a last-minute Trump 2020 podium. And rejoicing furries.

Coopertom, a fursuiter and popular YouTuber, posted a video on Twitter on Monday morning of furries circling the scene in joy on the massively multiplayer virtual reality platform VRChat.

According to a tweet, virtual versions of a neighboring crematorium and sex shop are “in the works.”

That’s right you VR explorers can now get your picture taken in front of the now famous landscaping company with people dressed like rabbits and dogs! I mean seriously people are going to look at the year 2020 and go “people lived this way????”. And that guy was president? Oh and here’s where it gets weird – you knew it was going to. You know that guy Guiliani brought up on stage claiming to have evidence of voter fraud? Guess what? He’s a registered sex offender! No shit!

During the now-infamous Saturday Trump campaign press conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping in Northeast Philadelphia, Rudy Giuliani called upon three witnesses who he said could prove voting fraud in the presidential election.

The first witness was a convicted sex offender who has been a consistently unsuccessful candidate in New Jersey for several years, as first reported by Politico.

“It’s such a shame. This is a democracy,” Daryl Brooks, who said he served as a GOP poll watcher, said at the press conference outside the landscaping business after shaking Giuliani’s hand. “They did not allow us to see anything. Was it corrupt or not? But give us an opportunity as poll watchers to view all the documents—all of the ballots.”

Brooks served three years and eight months in prison in 1998 after he was convicted on several charges of lewdness, sexual assault, and endangering the welfare of a minor for allegedly exposing himself in front of two girls who were ages 7 and 11. According to NJ.com, Brooks maintained his innocence, claiming he was set up by Trenton police and other elected officials because of his work as a city activist.

Yeah I think even Jesus would roll his eyes at this one! But in case you’re wondering – yes the Four Seasons Total Landscaping company is having a sense of humor about the incident. That’s right – they’re merchandising the SNAFU! Merchandising, merchandising – that’s where the real money from the political SNAFUs are made! Hell there’s even a fun run for Philly fun runners!

If you're not over the fact that the Trump campaign held a press conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping off I-95 and NOT the Four Seasons Hotel Philadelphia in Center City, then you should probably sign up for this fun run on Sunday, Nov. 29.

Called the "Fraud Street Run," it's one mile longer than the Broad Street Run. Participants start at the now-famous Philadelphia business Four Seasons Total Landscaping – located between a crematorium and a sex shop, if you need help finding it – and race to the Four Seasons luxury hotel at the Comcast Center.

President Donald Trump said in a since-deleted tweet Saturday that his legal team would host a press conference at the Four Seasons. He then tweeted out clarification that it would be at a Philadelphia landscaping business called Four Seasons. The hotel Four Seasons then tweeted out further clarification that they were not involved at all.

At the press conference, Rudy Giuliani tried to push Trump's baseless claims of voter fraud.

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[font size="8"]People Who Somehow Got Elected: Tommy Tuberville

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Politicians at the state and local levels who are so toxic, you wonder how they’re able to get away with the things they get away with. This is:

This week – Alabama’s Tommy Tuberville. How did this guy beat Doug Jones? Well it is Alabama and they can never elect anybody blue. And if someone who happens to have a “D” next to their name in the Yellowhammer State manages to survive an election, chances are that they do not last very long. So who is Tommy Tuberville if you don’t know? Well he’s the former football coach who took Auburn University from zeroes to heroes. That’s right – a football coach is now a United States senator. God bless America, right? Right?

Former Auburn head football coach Tommy Tuberville won election to the U.S. Senate Tuesday night, defeating Democratic incumbent Doug Jones with pledges of loyalty to President Donald Trump.

As of 8:45 a.m. Wednesday, Tuberville had 1,375,794 votes (61%) in incomplete, unofficial returns listed by the Alabama Secretary of State's office. Jones had 898,243 votes (39%). The Associated Press called the race at 9:11 p.m. Tuesday.

The first-time candidate's campaign focused on Tuberville pledging his loyalty to President Donald Trump, and his victory speech repeated that theme.

"I want to thank President Donald Trump," Tuberville said in an 18-minute speech. "He is without a doubt in my lifetime the guy who’s done more for the United States of America than any other man."

Well at least Nelson has a sensitive side. But in case you are wondering what Tuberville’s former players and staff think of him running for senate, well it’s about as mixed of a bag as you can possibly get. Some of course are for it, and others are against it. But of course his loyalty to Donald Trump will always be the 800 pound gorilla in the room. And Tuberville is very much on board the Trump train.

Tommy Tuberville, the Republican candidate for Senate in Alabama, is leading incumbent Sen. Doug Jones by 14 points in the polls. The highly watched race has attracted huge outside spending, and pundits have speculated about what it might take for the country’s most vulnerable senator to hold onto his seat. But the reality is the race can be boiled down to two of Alabama’s favorite things: Trump and football.

Tuberville has clung close to President Donald Trump throughout the campaign. Trump endorsed Tuberville in the primary over Jeff Sessions—Trump’s former attorney general and an Alabama senator from 1997 to 2017. In return, Tuberville has said that his number one priority was “taking that stick out of [Trump’s] hand and giving [him] a baseball bat.” He has also promoted birtherism, complained bitterly about environmentalists, said immigrants were bringing “drugs” and “diseases,” and stoked fear about the socialist and communist “indoctrination” of the education system.

Tuberville has never held elected office, but he gained fame in the state from nearly a decade as head coach of the Auburn Tigers. In 2004, Tuberville led the team to a 13-0 season and an SEC championship. He also led Auburn to six straight victories over the University of Alabama in its longest winning streak against the in-state rival. (Remarkably, Crimson Tide fans do not seem to hold this against him.) Jones’ campaign has attacked Tuberville’s team loyalty (highlighting one story from Tuberville’s time as coach of Texas Tech, when he ditched a dinner with recruits after getting offered a job at Cincinnati). Tuberville, meanwhile, has continued to cite his leadership experience as a coach, and his outsider status, as the reason he should represent the state.

So Tuberville may have had the longest streak of beating the mighty Alabama Crimson Tide – which would be like the Miami Marlins beating the New York Yankees to win the World Series – and his platform is just about as Trumpian as you can get. In fact you could also see that he’s like a mini me version of Trump. But will Tuberville’s plan of avoiding every issue play out in the Senate? Probably not.

Back when Tommy Tuberville worked as a swashbuckling young coach at Ole Miss in the late 1990s, he earned the nickname “Riverboat Gambler” for his propensity to onside kick and ignore the odds on fourth downs. He’d often press his luck on national television games, hoping to capture viewers.

Nearly a quarter-century and a few coaching jobs later, Tuberville is running for the U.S. Senate in Alabama. And his campaign strategy is much different than the high-risk bravado that formed his early coaching reputation.

In football parlance, Tuberville’s first political campaign is operating on a “punt to win” mantra, as he’s avoided debate, shown little expertise on issues and generally avoided any exposure that would have him expound on issues in a public forum. His Republican candidacy has drafted off the popularity of President Trump in Alabama, putting him comfortably ahead in the polling heading into Tuesday’s election.

With the political direction of the United States Senate in flux, a race between a football coach who has never held public office and an incumbent, Doug Jones, with a nationally recognized name would be the kind of local race that emerges as national fodder. Especially with the possibility that Tuberville’s potential election could swing the Senate to the Republicans.

Yeah probably. Well now that Tuberville has become a senator – there’s his record on the field which is spectacular, if you’re into that sort of thing. Then there’s his record off the field – which like most athletes supporting far right policies, is questionable. And if you dig deeper, Tuberville is quite the shady businessman. Which makes him a perfect representation of the GOP!

Tax returns from a charity founded by U.S. Senate candidate Tommy Tuberville show that in 2015 and 2016 about one-third of its spending went to the veterans’ causes the charity was set up to benefit.

The foundation’s tax returns don’t make clear the amount the organization spent on charitable purposes in 2017 and 2018.

The Tuberville campaign sent AL.com documents from the foundation showing it spent money on a program for veterans in 2018 that was not included in the tax return for that year. Including that amount, 50% of the foundation’s expenditures were for charitable purposes in 2018.

Charity watchdog groups generally say at least 65% of expenses should go to the programs for which charities receive their tax-exempt status.

So questionable choices on and off the field, defrauding a charity, and actively avoiding the issues. That’s Tommy Tuberville, yet another to add in the ever-growing list of:

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[font size="8"]Kanye West
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Did anyone really think that Kanye West had a legitimate chance to become president? We’ve spent the last four months covering his batshit crazy attempt to become leader of the free world. And he’s going about doing this the same rate as Wiley Coyote trying to catch the Road Runner. And you might be asking what was the point of Kanye’s campaign? Well we pointed out in Top 10 #9-11 that the whole point of Kanye’s campaign was to siphon votes from Biden to help Trump. But it turns out that plan backfired on him spectacularly. Although you know the real sad thing? People actually voted for him! That’s right – hold your boos!

US Presidential candidate Kanye West conceded his run in the race early this morning (November 4), taking to Twitter to announce his withdrawal – Kanye style.

West formally ended his campaign shortly after midnight local time today by posting an image of a map of the United States with its states shaded in according to those that have thus far been won by fellow candidates Donald Trump and Joe Biden.

The caption accompanying the image simply said “WELP”.

The rapper-cum-presidential candidate appears to be keeping the door to a 2024 election campaign open, however, also including that year in the caption.

OK Kanye we get it! So what was the point of this whole experiment? If he runs third party you know that he doesn’t have a chance in hell. So who is the Kanye voter? Everyone knows how toxic and dangerous Trump is, and then there’s a certain group of people who will never vote Democratic no matter how hard you convince them. But here’s what people who voted for Yeezy actually had to say about voting for him.

There is no plausible reality in which Kanye West becomes the next president. And yet people disenfranchised with the electoral system say they’re voting for him anyway.

“Do I think he's going to win? No. Do I think we need change? Yes. Am I voting for change? Am I voting for my interests? Yes,” 33-year-old Quentin Jones told BuzzFeed News.

After officially announcing his candidacy in mid-July and reportedly spending nearly $12 million on his own campaign, West is only on the ballot in 11 states, making it mathematically impossible for him to earn enough votes to become the next president of the United States. In August, a survey by Morning Consult/Politico showed that only 2% of 2,000 registered voters in the US supported West.

BuzzFeed News spoke to seven people who said they plan on voting for or have already voted for West, ranging from ages 19 to 42 in states across the country, including Florida, Colorado, Utah, Texas, and California. In the past, some of them had only cast ballots for either Republicans or Democrats; others are first-time voters.

That’s the last thing America needs – is another unstable jackass with questionable mental health and ties to the extreme religious right running the White House. I mean come on, how badly do we need to be punished here? And what did we do wrong? I want to know!!! But the thing is, as unorganized and unplanned as Kanye’s clusterfuck of a campaign was, there’s no denying he had some influence on how future campaigns will be run. Yeah, we’re screwed.

Kanye West’s presidential campaign may be the future of American politics. This is not to detract from the fact that it was a shambolic, hastily organized ego trip undertaken by a political neophyte of questionable mental health. But as Election Day approaches, what seemed like a minor summer subplot to the 2020 presidential campaigns feels more and more like the precursor to the next phase in American politics.

Through covering Kanye West’s presidential campaign over the nearly two-month period between when he first announced his run to when he changed his focus to urinating on one of his Grammy Awards, it served as a testament to how easy it is to run for president when you’re rich. West has no real constituency, no grassroots support, and no idea what he was doing. But simply spending around $10 million, he’ll be on the ballot in a dozen states.

The failures of Kanye West’s campaign should not be attributed to laws written to perpetuate the two-party duopoly, to crafty legal maneuverings by Democrats set to thwart him, or to even just the sheer indifference of voters toward the presidential candidacy of a celebrity who has built an entire persona around unorthodox behavior. Instead, there’s one simple reason behind them all: Kanye West himself.

Yeah that’s the kind of guy we need running the free world. And if you think that he’s going away anytime soon, well, you don’t know Kanye. And if you think that it’s easy to make fun of Trump, just think of the material that a Kanye administration will provide! Oh and by the way, people who say it’s their “calling” to be the leader of America, are the ones who probably shouldn’t be anywhere near the White House.

Within the first five minutes of Kanye West’s appearance on The Joe Rogan Experience, West tells Rogan, “I believe my calling is to be the leader of the free world,” meaning the president of the United States, and that the calling was given to him by God. Rogan responds, “What does that mean, to you? Does that mean you have a plan that’s different that’s been implemented before? What would you do if you were the leader of the free world? What would be different about the way you would handle things? If that’s your plan, what is it about that that is your calling?” What Rogan is asking is, essentially: What’s your platform?

West proceeds to speak mostly uninterrupted for the nearly three-hour length of the episode, but does not clearly lay out a presidential platform. West does talk about some other plans, though, which include “building a monastery that will then be the future of monasteries,” founding a “gospel university” that will seat 100,000 people in an arena and train them “like Russian swimmers” to recite his hymns, and his outlines for a sustainable community that will harness the four elements to produce power, but that won’t use solar, because of something about Tesla vs. Edison. Don’t call any of these thoughts tangents, though; West says when he speaks, it’s a “symphony of ideas.” Some other things he references before he gets to policy: the sinking of the Titanic, the inventor of the keyboard, whether or not Brandon Lee’s death was a murder conspiracy, Edna Mode from The Incredibles, the Disney movie Maleficent, the Disney movie Tron, and the scene where Jim Carrey is under the table in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. After all of this, a little over halfway through the interview, West reveals that he is flying to Atlanta multiple times a week, where he is building a soundstage. Despite whatever may be in the works for that soundstage, West admits, “I go back and forth on content. Should I work in content?” It’s the most relatable thing he’s ever said.

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[font size="8"]Stop The Steal
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Holy shit, Trump super fans are going to provide me with no shortage of material through the remainder of the Trump presidency and beyond. There’s still five states that are inexplicably unaccounted for – Alaska, North Carolina, Nevada, Arizona, and Georgia. Now depending on what state you go to – Trump fans have conflicting messages but both want the same outcome – they think that Democrats are attempting to steal the election. Even though Trump himself is the one stealing it, and the New York Times polled all 50 states and found no evidence of voter fraud. Ah, who am I kidding? This is the Trump administration! Facts don’t matter, only unfiltered outrage does! So who are they accusing of what exactly?

Facebook has taken down a group that had amassed more than 300,000 members and was sharing misinformation and organizing around false allegations of impropriety during the 2020 elections.

The group, called “Stop the Steal 2020,” was organizing protests targeting the election officials currently counting ballots cast in Michigan, Pennsylvania, Phoenix and Las Vegas.

“In line with the exceptional measures that we are taking during this period of heightened tension, we have removed the Group ‘Stop the Steal,’ which was creating real-world events,” said a Facebook spokesperson in a statement emailed to TechCrunch. “The group was organized around the delegitimization of the election process, and we saw worrying calls for violence from some members of the group.”

Protestors advocating for votes to be counted and for vote counting to cease are cropping up across the country as Republican Party organizers and campaign officials try to derail the count of mail-in ballots and absentee votes cast in the 2020 race and Democratic supporters organize counter-protests.

Oh god what are you people rabbling about again? Seriously it’s time for you to shut up and let the adults run the country again. You snowflakes can go run to Parler and engage in white supremacist circle jerks for the rest of time. So one state in particular – has been the product of conservative anger and that’s Nevada, even though Joe is leading by a sizable margin there and they have the least amount of votes. I mean come on really, grow up guys.

Politically right-leaning demonstrators gathered for a second night of "Stop The Steal" protests outside of the Clark County Election Department building in North Las Vegas Thursday night.

Conservative activist and Donald Trump supporter, Michael Couldrey, announced a "call to action" on social media earlier in the afternoon asking supporters to bring signs outside of the building.

The protest grew to more than 150 individuals in attendance, many carrying pro-Trump signs that included messaging that alleges election officials are "stealing the election" for Democratic challenger Joe Biden.

News 3 crews on scene spoke to a couple of demonstrators, who said they wanted to keep the event peaceful and just wanted to make their voices heard.

The protests come as the president and several conservative outlets highlight concerns of election irregularities in several states, including Nevada.

Well that is a good point! So who’s organizing these protests and what do they hope to accomplish? So one of these guys is Ali Alexander, a high profile Trump troll who is the very definition of a guy who is voting against his best interests. And the way he’s being funded is by people who willfully give him some money through online payment apps like Paypal and Venmo. Yeah this guy is a real piece of work, we may have to profile him for a future “This Fucking Guy”.

Right-wing “Stop The Count” protests that have sprung up in the last 72 hours to attempt to manipulate the vote-counting process in favor of Donald Trump appear to be at least partially artificially bolstered by paid Republican operatives. But unlike previous coordinated protests that have been revealed to be supported well-funded and organized conservative interests, the demonstrations have been organized largely by a collection of disgraced right-wing internet figures. Some have been all but discarded from mainstream Republican circles for being too extreme, too inept, or some combination of the two. Despite this, they’ve been good at one thing: figuring out how to spin never-ending mishaps into continued careers.

The protests have grown since Election Day, with FreedomWorks and Trump’s 2020 digital director getting involved in the events, according to The Guardian and Washington Post. Here’s a smattering of some of the more compelling characters involved:
Ali Alexander

After one of the first 2020 primary debates, Alexander went viral claiming that Kamala Harris wasn’t an “American Black,” because she was of Jamaican and Indian heritage, instead of descending from African-Americans who had been forced into Antebellum-era slavery. Alexander was convicted of two felonies in 2007 and 2008, and has a track record of publicly noting people for are Jewish. He made a sensationalist video with right-wing snafu generator Jacob Wohl and Laura Loomer, the Islamaphobic failed Congressional candidate, wherein Wohl seemingly fakes the group receiving death threats during filming.

Seriously where is that guy when you need him? And by the way in case you were wondering, yes, the group is advocating for violence. And yes, Facebook banned them. But you can only keep trolls banned for so long before they start coming out of the woodwork. And they keep popping up elsewhere. Of course think of this as playing a game of Whack-A-Troll. These morons aren’t going away, they’re just getting both louder and dumber.

Facebook on Thursday banned a large group called “Stop the Steal” that supporters of President Donald Trump were using to organize protests against the presidential vote count. Some members had called for violence, while many falsely claimed that Democrats are “stealing” the election from Republicans.

Though the group amassed more than 350,000 members before Facebook took it down, it was just one of several smaller groups that popped up as vote counting extended for days in several battleground states. Inside the groups, members and organizers tried to ensure they would get around Facebook’s moderators and “trolls” who might report or mock them.

“In line with the exceptional measures that we are taking during this period of heightened tension, we have removed the Group ‘Stop the Steal,’ which was creating real-world events,” Facebook said in a statement. “The group was organized around the delegitimization of the election process, and we saw worrying calls for violence from some members of the group.”

Facebook said it will continue to watch for activity that violates its rules and will take action if it does. As of Thursday afternoon, a copycat “Stop the Steal” group was growing steadily, nearing 13,000 members, and others were easily searchable on Facebook.

Inside the groups, members posted baseless claims of voter fraud and organized protests. Calls for violence were not immediately apparent, although the the Center for Countering Digital Hate shared a screenshot of one post in the now-banned group that read “Neither side is going to concede. Time to clean the guns, time to hit the streets.”

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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s virtual collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:

My fair congregation! You know this has been a trying time but we have finally emerged victorious! That is right! For one thing we are no longer virtual! We have a church again! Of course we lack things like an actual collection plate and our famous gospel choir, but we are slowly getting back to normal! That said we are once again going to test the religious requirements of IRS 501(c) because that’s what our brothers and sisters on the right are doing. And they are getting weirder, crazier, and more violent with their rhetoric. Which is what I’m sure the GOOD LAWRD JAYSUS had intended! Oh wait, he didn’t intend this. Let’s start with someone who I think is one of the craziest people on the religious right – Mark Taylor, that’s right, the Liberty University fake profit just won’t shut up.

During an appearance on the “Up Front In The Prophetic” YouTube program last Wednesday, QAnon conspiracy theorist and so-called “firefighter prophet” Mark Taylor declared that any Christian who voted for Joe Biden in the presidential election has cursed their family for generations to come.

After repeating his assertion that many of President Donald Trump’s critics are so thoroughly possessed by demons that they “aren’t human” any longer, Taylor attacked Christians who dared to vote against Trump.

“Let me tell you something,” Taylor fumed. “Every Christian, every pastor out there that voted for Joe Biden last night, you have brought a curse upon yourself and your family, your children, and your children’s children down to the third and fourth generation, and you need to repent.”

“You cannot call yourself a Christian and call yourself a [Democrat] and vote for Biden,” he continued. “You are implementing the dark agenda. Satan’s agenda. The kingdom of darkness. You are not supporting the kingdom of God. And if you cannot see that, if you do not repent, judgment will fall upon you, I believe, and your family and your children’s children down the third and fourth generation.”

That’s right – the Devil walks among us!!! Or does he? Apparently according to these weirdos, we’re the ones to blame for America not voting the way GAWD intended! But the unholy Dark One, whose name shall not be mentioned in my church, has a spiritual advisor. I mean come on really, that is so hilarious but is not that unexpected! Oh and in case you are wondering she’s as crazy as he is!

Trump spiritual adviser and campaign surrogate Paula White hosted a second post-election prayer service Thursday night, during which she once again declared God’s intention to put President Donald Trump back in the White House and denounced the demonic forces she said are trying to derail God’s plans and Trump’s reelection. As on Wednesday, she was joined by her son Brad Knight.

“God has already settled his mind” about the election, White said. “We will override any will of man over the mind of God.”

White explained that “the Lord has already made his decision” but that there is a “spiritual battle” going on. She said that she was going to lead people in spiritual warfare to overturn “every evil wickedness” that was coming “against this nation and beyond this nation, what this nation is assigned to, what this nation has to carry forth with the gospel of Jesus Christ, with the prosperity of other nations, with the alignment of the church.”

“You said you will mow down the wickedness,” White prayed, adding:

That’s right – he’s the devil!!! But that isn’t stopping those who claim to be righteous from openly supporting the unholy Dark One! In fact this is the hill on which they are willing to die. And they’re not going away folks. Oh no. expect the rhetoric coming from our brothers and sisters on the right to get more violent and more crazy in the coming months! This is the kind of thing that their hard earned dollars get collected on Sunday for!

During Sunday services at televangelist Kenneth Copeland’s Eagle Mountain International Church, Copeland’s daughter and Eagle Mountain senior pastor Terri Pearsons called on God to arrange “another election” so President Donald Trump can be reelected to the White House.

Pearsons, who last week called on God to give Republicans control of the House of Representatives, reacted to the news that Joe Biden had been declared the winner of the 2020 presidential election by praising God for giving the Trump campaign legal strategies to expose the supposedly rampant voter fraud that caused Trump to lose and urging God to remedy this travesty by scheduling a new election.

“You’re giving our administration legal strategies,” Persons preached. “You frustrated the enemy. You caused them to turn on themselves. You caused them to reveal their hands. You caused their plots to be exposed. You caused their plans to be exposed. You caused those who worked evil and inequity to be exposed. And you sent the host of the angel armies, and you cooperated, Lord, from Heaven with your armies in the Earth. In Jesus’ name, we thank you that Heaven and Earth are working together. Thy will be done! Thy will be done. Thy will be done! Thy will be done! Thy will be done!”

“Lord, we don’t just look to the presidency,” she continued. “We’re asking you to straighten out every Senate race, straighten out every House race, straighten out every governorship, straighten out every state legislature, straighten out every mayoral election, straighten out every city council. Straighten ’em out. Straighten ’em out. Straighten ’em out. Expose it all. Expose it all. Expose it all, Lord.”

Whoa, the Reverend is getting uppity! And here’s the thing guys – you’re not prophets! And you deserve to be mocked because you say some unbelievably stupid and crazy shit. Yes, we’re allowed to swear in my church. I make the rules. So maybe if you stop saying stupid things and stop supporting batshit crazy ideologies, maybe we might take you seriously for a change!

Right-wing pastor Curt Landry streamed an emergency broadcast on his YouTube channel Wednesday in which he declared that President Donald Trump would be reelected because God will not allow prophets such as himself to be mocked by critics and unbelievers.

“Son of man, do you think that I am going to allow my prophets who prophesied Trump’s second term and prophesied all this goodness coming to this nation to be mocked by a mass media manipulation?” Landry asked rhetorically, speaking on behalf of God. “The Lord says, ‘No, I shall not. For my namesake, I shall protect my word, I shall protect my people, I shall protect my prophets from this evil destruction. For I shall pull back the veil and I shall reveal that which is done in darkness. For they who shift the votes and move the boxes around, those who raised the dead and the dead vote, I will expose them says the Lord. For they may be tricky men, but they shall not trick me,’ says the Lord.”

Landry then began to prophesy that Trump would win the states in which the vote count between the two major candidates was close.

“And the Lord says, ‘Son of Man, prophesy onto Wisconsin, that it will go red for Trump,'” Landry declared. “‘Prophesy onto Michigan that it will go red for Trump. Prophesy onto Pennsylvania that it goes red for Trump. Prophesy onto North Carolina that it goes red for Trump. Prophesy onto Georgia that it goes red for Trump. Prophesy onto to Nevada that it goes red for Trump. Prophesy for recounts in places where the corruption is there. Prophesy that the media will cancel the assignment to call the election.'”

Oh if you think we will stop mocking you, you are wrong! You deserve every bit of it! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:

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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Hello again everyone and welcome back to the segment where we attempt to explain the things that cannot be explained, Conspiracy Corner! We of course are broadcasting this from an underground Doomsday Prepper shelter from deep in the alkalai flats of the New Mexico badlands – undisclosed location of course! Well our favorite crazy pseudo-religious cult known as Q Anon just refuses to go away. Even when Dear Leader does not get reelected. But they are getting out of the basement and going to Congress! Well of all the Q supporting candidates that ran in states like Florida, Georgia, and Colorado, one won. That is Marjorie Taylor Green. And if they actually got into Congress they could do some damage.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The U.S. House of Representatives recently voted to condemn the pro-President Donald Trump online conspiracy theory known as “QAnon.” But multiple QAnon-friendly lawmakers may soon be taking seats in the House chamber.

More than two dozen candidates for Congress in the Nov. 3 elections have endorsed or given credence to QAnon or promoted QAnon content online, the non-profit watchdog group Media Matters says. Two are independents; the rest are Republicans.

At least one of them is expected to be elected to the House of Representatives next week, and a second has a good chance.

The FBI has listed QAnon as a domestic terrorism threat.

The unfounded conspiracy theory, which began in 2017 with anonymous web postings from “Q,” posits that Trump is secretly fighting a global cabal of child-sex predators that includes prominent Democrats, Hollywood elites and “deep state” allies.

You have to be crazy to believe in Q Anon. But of all the candidates who ran, one stands out above the rest and that is Georgia’s Marjorie Taylor Greene. How did Greene worm her way into Congress? Well of course I don’t have to remind you that Q Anon believes in a baseless conspiracy theory about a secret society of Satanic pedophiles that rule the landscape and they’re all about to be doxed. But there’s no doxing going on here.

The apparent inevitable ascent to Congress of a Georgia Republican who has promoted the outlandish conspiracy theories of QAnon could be a bellwether for American politics, in which extreme views creep increasingly into the mainstream, experts on extremism told CNN.

Marjorie Taylor Greene -- who, in addition to promoting QAnon theories, has also suggested that President Barack Obama is Muslim, called Jewish billionaire and liberal philanthropist George Soros a Nazi, and questioned whether a plane really crashed into the Pentagon on 9/11 -- beat neurosurgeon John Cowan in a primary runoff on August 11.

A month later, her longshot Democratic challenger, Kevin Van Ausdal, dropped out of the race in the Republican stronghold, citing personal and family reasons, all but clinching Greene's victory for the 14th district congressional seat in northwest Georgia.

QAnon adherents believe in a baseless conspiracy theory that there is a cabal of Satan-worshipping pedophiles who have infiltrated the highest reaches of American government and are working hand-in-hand with other elites in business and Hollywood. They believe President Donald Trump is secretly fighting to destroy this cabal and that messages are being delivered to them in code by an anonymous central character called Q.

Yeah probably! But here’s the thing – MIT’s Technology review pointed out that Congress actually had a hearing on how dangerous Q Anon was becoming. They started out as just a group of people we could laugh at. But now it’s getting real. In fact so real that they’ve actually got a foot in the door. And this is a reason why nobody should pay attention to conspiracy theorists. And when you do you probably shouldn’t have.

The news: In a 90-minute virtual US congressional hearing hosted by the House Intelligence Committee on Thursday, representatives took stock of the state of misinformation in America and sought advice from some of the leading experts in the field. What they heard were urgent, alarming warnings about the state of truth, political fragmentation, and the spread of conspiracy theories, specifically QAnon.

Later that day during a televised town hall meeting, President Trump said he knew “nothing” about QAnon, before saying that he agreed with one of its central beliefs.

Who was there: The committee, headed by Democrat Adam Schiff, heard from four disinformation experts: Joan Donovan (a regular contributor to MIT Technology Review), Nina Jankowicz, Cindy Otis, and Melanie Smith. They discussed the proliferation of malign actors and misinformation around the election campaign, noting that they were the result of largely domestic forces. Otis remarked that they “embrace and deploy tactics that sound much more like foreign influence operations than the tactics of good digital campaigning.”

Who wasn’t: No Republicans attended the hearing. In fact, Republican members of the House Intelligence Committee have been boycotting almost all meetings for months. Jankowicz urged the depoliticization of online disinformation, saying that “disinformation is a threat to democracy no matter what political party it benefits.” Several witnesses and Chairman Schiff pointed out that President Trump regularly creates, shares, and amplifies disinformation.

We’re not surprised at all that nobody from the conservative side attended that hearing. Getting in bed with Q Anon is like eating that monster party sub. Sure it starts out to potentially be great. By the time you’re three feet in, the lettuce has wilted and the mayo is starting to turn. And then by the time you’re halfway through you’re already sick of it. Then nobody gets to the end of the sandwich and you wind up throwing it in the dumpster. But that said, Q Anon should probably be ignored.

Georgia’s Fourteenth Congressional District was created by Republican legislators about a decade ago, after the 2010 census. It’s bordered by Tennessee to the north and Alabama to the west, with jagged lines in between—which reflect, in part, an effort to redraw the neighboring Ninth District around the home of a Republican congressman, Doug Collins. Except for Athens, where the University of Georgia is based, north Georgia is highly Republican, “largely because it has very few minorities, and if you don’t have minorities you have a Republican district there,” Charles Bullock III, a political-science professor at U.G.A., told me. “But the kinds of Republicans there may have changed.” The Fourteenth incorporates some of the old Seventh District, which, in the seventies and eighties, was represented, as Bullock put it, by a “paranoid urologist” named Larry McDonald. McDonald was a Democrat, but he was also one of the most conservative members of Congress and the second president of the John Birch Society, a group committed to the idea that the civil-rights movement was a Communist plot. In 1983, McDonald was on a Korean Airlines flight to Seoul that accidentally flew into Soviet airspace. “He was very much a Russian conspiracist,” Bullock said. “And, sure enough, the Russians shot down a plane he was on, and killed him.” An investigation concluded that the Soviets had most likely misidentified the aircraft as a U.S. spy plane.


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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb

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Hit it!

Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. It’s been a while since we have done one of these, but there’s no shortage of stupid people. That??s one thing that will be a constant even in the Biden administration. First off, everyone should know that impersonating a police officer is a felonious offense right? Hell I learned that from the Simpsons episode where Marge is a police officer. And even if you do abuse your fake police officer privileges, is using it for fast food really the way you should go? Well that said, this might be one of the dumbest examples we’ve seen of someone abusing their right to be a fake police officer.

In a harebrained and ultimately unsuccessful attempt to score some free food, a Georgia woman posed as an FBI agent while demanding gratis grub from Chick-fil-A workers, cops allege. Late Thursday morning, police received a suspicious person call from employees at the eatery in Rockmart, a city 45 miles from Atlanta. A 911 caller reported that the suspect, who was in a white van, was “identifying themselves as a federal agent to try and get free food.”

When cops arrived at the Chick-fil-A around noon, they approached a white Dodge Grand Caravan whose driver was later identified as Kimberly Ragsdale, 47, who lives about 20 miles from the restaurant. Asked by an officer if she had been identifying herself as a federal agent, “Ragsdale stated that she was a federal agent,” according to a Rockmart Police Department report. In response to a police request to see her credentials, Ragsdale replied that she “did not have one that it was electronic.”

Ragsdale refused to exit her van until an officer displayed his taser and warned that it would be deployed unless she got out of the Dodge. After being handcuffed, Ragsdale continued her charade. “Ms. Ragsdale then began to talk into her shirt like she was talking into a radio telling someone that we were arresting her and to send someone to Rockmart PD,” reported Officer William Gilstrap.

Chick-fil-A workers told another cop that Ragsdale had been coming to the restaurant (seen below) “for several days saying she worked with the FBI and requested free food.” Ragsdale was charged with impersonating a public official.


Maybe don’t give that guy a badge. Next up – remember that episode of the Simpsons where Homer buys a Monkey’s Paw and it gives him three wishes? Well in India there’s a story of men who were tricked into buying Aladdin’s lamp. Now come on really this is a special kind of stupid here because everyone knows that’s fake and Robin Williams won’t pop out of the lamp when you rub it, right?

Two men have been arrested in the Indian state of Uttar Pradesh for allegedly duping a doctor into buying an "Aladdin's lamp" that they promised would bring him wealth and health.

As part of the con, they even pretended to conjure up spirits from the lamp, in line with the tale from The Arabian Nights, Indian media report.
"during one visit 'Aladdin' actually made an appearance

The men had reportedly wanted more than $200,000 for the lamp but settled for a down payment of $41,600.

A third, female, suspect is at large.

The doctor reportedly filed a complaint with local police in Meerut, western Uttar Pradesh, earlier this week.


Yes, please clap! Next up – we go to the Land Down Under. That’s Australia don’t you know? Well there’s stupid criminals as much as there are stupid police. And by stupid police I mean cops who do dumb shit. Let’s be clear here. Here’s the thing too – everyone is afraid of being involved in violence, but would you ever mistake a plant for a weapon? I mean come on when plants are outlawed…

Police called out to investigate reports a masked man was armed with a machete discovered he was carrying a bag of leeks.

The alarm was raised by a member of the public on Thursday evening who thought a man in Aberdeen's Provost Watt Drive was carrying a weapon.

Officers attended and CCTV showed a man in a shop buying the mask and leeks.

Police Scotland said it had been established no crime took place and no further action was needed.

A spokeswoman confirmed: "A witness reported a man wearing a mask and carrying an item shaped like a machete.

"Officers conducted enquiries in the area and CCTV from a nearby premises showed a man in a shop buying a mask and leeks, which were put in a bag and are what the witness reported to police as being a potential weapon."

Next up – remember that scene from Vegas Vacation when Randy Quaid’s cousin Eddie cooks chicken on some hot desert rocks instead of a grill? Well just because they’re called “hot springs” doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re meant for cooking safely or sanitarily. After all we’re in one pandemic and the last thing we need is another one! Seriously people cook your food safely!

This is weird, even by 2020 standards. A group of people, including a man from Idaho Falls, was recently busted in Yellowstone National Park while they were cooking a chicken in one of the park's geothermal hot springs.

The culinary event happened in early August, according to Nate Eaton at East Idaho News, when park authorities were given reports of a group carrying cooking gear towards a hot spring. Rangers arrived and found the group had two chickens cooking in the hot waters of a spring. The Idaho Falls man was given a citation for walking in the thermal area, to which he plead guilty. He was also given a $600 fine, probation, and he is banned from Yellowstone for the next two years.

I can't imagine that chicken boiled in sulfur heated water can be very delicious, and while Yellowstone may be doing many things to improve the park for visitors, cooking stations at the geysers isn't part of the plans. Yet. Travelling off the designated paths is dangerous at Yellowstone as ground can be brittle and home to a body of hot water underneath. Many of the geysers and hot springs are unpredictable, so park rangers take the off-trail excursions very seriously. Plus, you don't need to leave the pathways to have an amazing vacation at Yellowstone and you also don't need a lot of time. A nice weekend vacation to Yellowstone is possible for residents of Southern Idaho.

I like how even the bottle and glass get deep fried! Finally this week – we go of course to the Sunshine State, America’s most penis-shaped state, the state of Florida. Seriously where would this segment be without the state of Florida? They never fail to provide the crazy. And someone who eats fast food, I love a good fast food rage story. Give me a story about a guy who calls 911 because McDonalds didn’t give him the right chicken nugget sauce and I’m in! Here’s one where a guy melted down because Checkers ran out of lettuce. Come on!

Lettuce calm you down, sir.

A Florida man was arrested this week after allegedly suffering a lettuce-related meltdown, The Smoking Gun reported Friday.

Henry Arce-Cabellero, 49, has been hit with misdemeanor charges of disorderly conduct in an establishment as well as resisting an officer without violence, for the incident late Wednesday when he hit the windows of a Tampa Bay-area Checkers restaurant.

A criminal complaint notes that the man was “yelling and screaming” at employees — who then had “fear for their safety” — because, as authorities say, “he was upset that the store had no more lettuce for their sandwiches.” ...........(more)


That’s it this week for:

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[font size="8"]Road To The White House
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Welcome back to our ongoing segment covering our now 46th president’s historic election in… *cue reverb* THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!!! Ooh that was some good reverb there! We did it! Joe Biden is our 46th president! Or is he? He may have got 279 electoral votes but Trump is still refusing to concede. And it’s quite possibly the stuff of pure insanity. Remember during the beginning of his term I said that he’d go full Howard Hughes? Well that distinct possibility still remains. Well Trump of course is the egomaniacal narcissist everyone thought he was. And he’s attempting to stall and delay what is ultimately going to be the inevitable – he lost! And he’d better get used to losing because I forsee a lot of that in his future!

Massachusetts Gov. Charlie Baker, a frequent GOP critic of President Trump, says it is “wildly inappropriate” for the administration to stonewall President-elect Joe Biden on the transition of power following last week's election.

“This latest move to employ the Department of Justice in all of this is so wildly inappropriate and stalling an orderly transition process especially at a time like this is equally unacceptable," Baker said in a statement Tuesday after Attorney General William Barr authorized the Justice Department to probe any "substantial allegations" of voter fraud, despite no evidence of widespread wrongdoing having been presented. "I can't think of a worse time to stall a transition than amid a deadly pandemic that the federal government continues to own primary responsibility for responding to."

Baker added that “if the Trump campaign has legitimate legal challenges” to the voting process, “they should bring them to court,” but he added, “I’m aware of no legitimate claims of wrongdoing anywhere near the scale of what it would take to change this outcome and there’s no credible third party entity that has verified the president’s claims in any way.”

Baker has previously criticized the president for his baseless claims about the reliability of mail-in voting, leading Trump to blast him as a “RINO,” or "Republican in name only."

Yeah probably. Trump blames everybody but himself for the things he’s done and it’s not surprising that we’re here now. And not only did we predict that Trump is going full Howard Hughes, he’s also going full dictator in his quest to hang onto the White House. But it’s slipping. And we want to know what Trump’s end game is. He has no path to reelection and like we said it’s just delaying the inevitable.

President-elect Joe Biden on Tuesday dismissed President Donald Trump's refusal to concede the election as not very consequential to his efforts to begin transition planning and said it did not reflect well on Trump.

"I just think it's an embarrassment, quite frankly," Biden said. "How can I say this tactfully? I think it will not help the president's legacy."

Biden, the Democratic nominee, racked up the 270 Electoral College votes to clinch presidency on Saturday. Trump has falsely claimed the election was stolen, as his campaign mounts legal challenges in several states, including Pennsylvania, Michigan, Georgia and Nevada.

More:'Time to heal in America': President-elect Joe Biden, VP-elect Kamala Harris talk of unity

Biden is preparing for his Jan. 20 inauguration, including assembling an advisory panel to guide his efforts to fight the COVID-19 pandemic. He said he would likely make his first Cabinet announcements by Thanksgiving. Biden on Tuesday spoke to leaders of the United Kingdom, Germany, France and other European nations who congratulated him on a victory.

Yes, run along Trump. It’s time to get the adults back in charge. Because if you don’t concede not only does it make you look bad, it makes your whole party look bad. Oh who am I kidding? This is the republicans we are talking about here – there’s nothing you can do to make them look embarrassing despite that they constantly look embarrassing!

The Department of Justice is “looking into” allegations by Republicans that illegal votes were cast in Nevada and Pennsylvania, NBC News reported Tuesday.

The investigations were disclosed after Attorney General William Barr, in a memo, authorized federal prosecutors to probe “specific” claims of voter fraud even before the election results of the race between President Donald Trump and President-elect Joe Biden are certified.

Barr’s Justice Department is eyeing GOP claims that ineligible voters cast ballots in Nevada, and that there was backdating of mail-in ballots in Pennsylvania, a department source told NBC News.

After Barr’s memo, issued Monday, the head of the DOJ division that prosecutes election crimes resigned, in apparent disagreement with the new policy and its ramifications. The official, Richard Pilger, will continue to work within the DOJ.

I’m not sure that’s quite how that works. But never the less we are going to keep an eye on the situation as it develops because Trump is going full dictator and that’s not a good thing. And if he somehow flips the election, he could install a dictatorship. And he’d have the Supreme Court backing him. But they’re going about finding voter fraud in the same way that Wiley Coyote chases the Road Runner. And they’re bringing in their arsenal of defective Acme products to do so!

Facebook on Wednesday announced an extension on its political advertising ban for at least another month, citing delays in election results due to COVID-19 and unprecedented rates of mail-in and absentee voting. The extension was announced in an update posted to its original blog post on the topic.

“The temporary pause for ads about politics and social issues in the US continues to be in place as part of our ongoing efforts to protect the election. Advertisers can expect this to last another month, though there may be an opportunity to resume these ads sooner,” the update reads. “Getting the US election results this year may take longer than in previous elections due to the coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic and more people voting by mail. We’ve introduced a range of policies and products to help protect the integrity of the election and reduce opportunities for confusion or abuse.”

What Facebook does not explicitly mention is that the current US presidential race has already been called in favor of President-elect Joe Biden, while President Donald Trump has refused to concede and is using claims of election fraud to dispute the results and mount legal challenges in battleground states.

That means Facebook’s ad ban is in effect preventing Trump from falsely declaring victory through ads or using its network to make other false or misleading claims (although he may still do so by posting through his page or other White House accounts). And because Trump’s refusal to concede and the fallout from that decision may only drag on well into next month and possibly January ahead of Inauguration Day, Facebook’s ad ban appears to be one tool the company thinks it will need to prevent further spread of misinformation on its social network.

See you next week!


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