"I'd like to announce right now that I have won the 2024 Olympics" (satire)
by Alexandra Petri at WaPo
"'President Trump has told confidants hell declare victory on Tuesday night if it looks like hes ahead, according to three sources familiar with his private comments. Thats even if the Electoral College outcome still hinges on large numbers of uncounted votes in key states like Pennsylvania.'
Hello, everyone! As long as we are sharing our plans to announce that weve won things we havent won, I would like to announce now that I have won the entire 2024 Olympics. I was surprised, too, given that I do not do any sports, and the Olympics have not concluded or even started yet, but, well, there it is. You had better cover my announcement, because I think it is big news for one person to win the entire Olympics of 2024, the Summer Olympics, the better of the two Olympics!
Its especially impressive when you consider that I am not an athlete! I used to run, but only when late for a train, and I dont do that anymore. And yet it did not matter: I won the 2024 Olympics! Incredible! I won the pole vault and I won the gymnastics (floor and balance beam) and I also won all the events that Katie Ledecky usually wins, which should be impossible, but I guess it was not, because I must have believed in myself. A pretty inspiring story, I think, and big news. I hope America will hasten to get behind me and acknowledge my victory with various parades and jet flyovers and things of that nature.
Please stop saying I havent won the 2024 Olympics and we wont know who won the 2024 Olympics until 2024, at the very earliest. This partisan sniping tears America apart! We all know that the realest, most important part of the Olympics has already happened: the part where it was announced and I decided I would like to have won it..."
more at: https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2020/11/03/id-like-announce-right-now-that-i-have-won-2024-olympics/
And, the most liked comment so far is a good one:
"The gymnastics judges said 'ma'am, we've never seen a routine like that before.'
Also, 'thanks for appointing us'"