Cutting Edge Reforms for the Supreme Court

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Susan Hennessey
@Susan_Hennessey
Perfection.

Cutting Edge Reforms for the Supreme Court
McTwist Limits In our current system of lifetime appointments, the Court’s makeup hinges on the health of a few elderly justices. Instead of tying ...
mcsweeneys.net

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/cutting-edge-reforms-for-the-supreme-court

McTwist Limits

In our current system of lifetime appointments, the Court’s makeup hinges on the health of a few elderly justices. Instead of tying terms to such an arbitrary, morbid factor, why not tie it to something consistent and measurable?

With McTwist limits, justices are only allowed to serve on the Court so long as they can complete the McTwist snowboard trick on any Olympic-quality Halfpipe. Instead of saying, “I bet this nominee might only be alive for another decade,” we’ll start saying, “I bet this nominee will be able to shred a gnarly McTwist for at least another decade! Hell yes!” It’s past time to ensure a stable Court that will stay crunchy for generations to come.

Mischief Justices

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This reform weakens the Court by adding three “Mischief Justices” or “Shadow Justices.” These little troublemakers have several responsibilities, including:

Giving everyone conflicting dates for proceedings
Replacing the gavels with rubber gavels (that don’t make noise when struck)
Giggling inappropriately
Keeping the other justices up all night with long-winded stories that go nowhere
Doodling irreverently on drawings by court artists
Cackling
Inserting the word “not” in key rulings so as to reverse their meaning
Leaving mousetraps all over the courtroom floor
Rubbing their little hands together
Snickering, chortling
Remove Lifetime Term Limits

By eliminating the lifetime term limit, we could open the door for contributions by dead or undead justices. Necromancers and other agents who can channel dark, unholy magicks could bring back all your favorite historical justices like Earl Warren, Joseph Story, and Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. from behind the thin veil of death. The necromancers would be chosen by a non-partisan group to avoid partisan necromancers who would pack the court with ideologically homogeneous undead flesh.

*snip*