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Sun Sep 13, 2020, 10:46 PM

Funeral during a pandemic - your advice wanted.

My wife has arranged (with her brother and friends) an indoor memorial service for her mother, in a large hall. We are in a top 10 state for cases and deaths, and a lot of folk from around the worst hit counties. I would rather not reveal every detail to maintain anonymity.

So, we expect around 40 people and there's going to be a memorial service that is supposed to be socially distanced and we have asked that people wear masks, although some known anti-masker Trump supporters will be in attendance, at least one very outspoken against masks.

There's going to be a reception afterwards with food and drink. Obviously, people won't be able to wear masks at that point if they are eating. I feel very uncomfortable with this. My anxiety is through the roof about it. I know other people ignore common sense and that is why 200,000 people have died. How many bodies does it take to do the right thing?

What advice would you give me. I have already argued with my wife and achieved nothing. Should I just go with the flow? Should I insist that there shouldn't be a food and drink reception? If so, what can I say to my wife in a way that she will understand? Or what should I do? Thanks in advance for your advice.





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Reply Funeral during a pandemic - your advice wanted. (Original post)
Doodley Sep 2020 OP
Kaleva Sep 2020 #1
LisaL Sep 2020 #6
Kaleva Sep 2020 #8
Doodley Sep 2020 #18
Kaleva Sep 2020 #34
consider_this Sep 2020 #35
Doodley Sep 2020 #53
consider_this Sep 2020 #39
Vivienne235729 Sep 2020 #65
Drahthaardogs Sep 2020 #72
smirkymonkey Sep 2020 #90
Kaleva Sep 2020 #99
malaise Sep 2020 #100
Doodley Sep 2020 #9
Kaleva Sep 2020 #25
LisaL Sep 2020 #12
Kaleva Sep 2020 #19
LisaL Sep 2020 #23
Kaleva Sep 2020 #27
LisaL Sep 2020 #29
Kaleva Sep 2020 #31
Drahthaardogs Sep 2020 #73
consider_this Sep 2020 #15
LisaL Sep 2020 #22
Hoyt Sep 2020 #26
Kaleva Sep 2020 #38
Hoyt Sep 2020 #43
elleng Sep 2020 #2
grantcart Sep 2020 #60
LizBeth Sep 2020 #3
Doodley Sep 2020 #50
LizBeth Sep 2020 #57
smirkymonkey Sep 2020 #92
LoveMyCali Sep 2020 #4
Doodley Sep 2020 #11
roamer65 Sep 2020 #21
Doodley Sep 2020 #46
Laffy Kat Sep 2020 #5
Doodley Sep 2020 #14
consider_this Sep 2020 #17
Doodley Sep 2020 #24
consider_this Sep 2020 #28
Doodley Sep 2020 #45
consider_this Sep 2020 #48
Kali Sep 2020 #7
Doodley Sep 2020 #16
consider_this Sep 2020 #10
Doodley Sep 2020 #44
consider_this Sep 2020 #52
Doodley Sep 2020 #55
consider_this Sep 2020 #58
dawg day Sep 2020 #69
LizBeth Sep 2020 #75
LizBeth Sep 2020 #63
Ms. Toad Sep 2020 #13
Doodley Sep 2020 #41
Ms. Toad Sep 2020 #42
sheshe2 Sep 2020 #20
Doodley Sep 2020 #36
sheshe2 Sep 2020 #49
Renew Deal Sep 2020 #30
Doodley Sep 2020 #32
renate Sep 2020 #33
Doodley Sep 2020 #37
cry baby Sep 2020 #40
JI7 Sep 2020 #47
LisaL Sep 2020 #51
consider_this Sep 2020 #54
JI7 Sep 2020 #59
LizBeth Sep 2020 #64
consider_this Sep 2020 #56
JI7 Sep 2020 #61
RazBerryBeret Sep 2020 #62
qwlauren35 Sep 2020 #66
KentuckyWoman Sep 2020 #67
Doodley Sep 2020 #80
meadowlander Sep 2020 #68
Doodley Sep 2020 #81
LisaL Sep 2020 #93
Dorian Gray Sep 2020 #70
Doodley Sep 2020 #82
Dorian Gray Sep 2020 #98
a la izquierda Sep 2020 #71
Doodley Sep 2020 #83
dawg day Sep 2020 #95
malaise Sep 2020 #74
Doodley Sep 2020 #84
malaise Sep 2020 #87
MrsMatt Sep 2020 #76
Doodley Sep 2020 #85
boston bean Sep 2020 #77
Doodley Sep 2020 #86
boston bean Sep 2020 #88
LuckyCharms Sep 2020 #78
Doodley Sep 2020 #91
LuckyCharms Sep 2020 #94
LizBeth Sep 2020 #96
MineralMan Sep 2020 #79
Beringia Sep 2020 #89
Zing Zing Zingbah Sep 2020 #97

Response to Doodley (Original post)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 10:51 PM

1. It's a service for your wife's mother so I'd go along with your spouse's wishes.

Go with the flow.

Edit: The odds of getting infected are very small but the odds of anger and resentment coming from arguing against this are pretty good.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #1)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 10:55 PM

6. That means he will put himself in a high risk situation

for getting covid.

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Response to LisaL (Reply #6)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 10:57 PM

8. I'd put myself in a high risk situation without question.

For something that meant a great deal to my wife.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #8)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:03 PM

18. But is it necessary to eat and drink to respect her mother? This is going to be mid-afternoon.

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Response to Doodley (Reply #18)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:27 PM

34. If it gives great comfort to your wife, then so be it.

That's just my opinion. You'll have to make the choice. None of us here can do that for you.

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Response to Doodley (Reply #18)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:27 PM

35. Maybe that is a good question to ask your wife.

Ask why she feels the food part is meaningful. Maybe if you hear why, then you can come up with a safe meaningful alternative to that? Or maybe she will say it is not important and you can both skip that part?

Sorry you are dealing with this. I hope you get a solution that helps you feel safe and still ok with wife.

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Response to consider_this (Reply #35)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:47 PM

53. Food and eating out is part of her family culture. They would eat out more in a month than I used to

in a year.

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Response to Doodley (Reply #18)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:32 PM

39. An article today said COVID cases were highest in people that ate in restaurants.

Someone posted that here. Perhaps if you find that article and show it to her it might bring her some clarity on the gravity of the situation.

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Response to Doodley (Reply #18)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 12:27 AM

65. The trump anti-masker needs to be talked to on the side if he feels that strongly

about a mask, he needs to not come to the funeral. Those are the rules and he should respectfully oblige. I wouldn't do the food and drinks either. But if you MUST do it, do it outside w good ventilation. So sorry for your loss.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #8)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 05:26 AM

72. Really? I would not risk dying for the already dead

Thatís the problem here. His wife is being emotional and willing to kill others in her dead motherís honor

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Response to Drahthaardogs (Reply #72)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 12:17 PM

90. I second this wholeheartedly.

I would not take my chances, especially with non-compliant Trumpers attending the funeral.

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Response to Drahthaardogs (Reply #72)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 08:09 PM

99. The chances of me or anyone else dying were pretty much zilch.

Here's a post of mine from Feb:

"Preparing for a possible Coronavirus pandemic
The hardest part is training myself to do things so that I do them automatically, without thought.

When I was a foster parent a few years ago, I trained myself to wash my hands vigorously for at least 20 seconds before rinsing off the soap and drying my hands. It's so ingrained in me now, i do it without having to remind myself.

The disinfecting of high touch areas in the home is new and it's becoming part of a daily routine. Like washing the dishes and putting food and fresh water for the dog.

Replacing the hand towels in the bathroom and the dish rag and dish towels in the kitchen daily is another thing I'm getting better at as time goes on.

Remembering to use the bottle of hand sanitizer that I keep in the car to use after I leave some premises is still hard to do as I don't go places very often. I now write it on my errands to do list when I do go to town to help remind me.

I used to wash all clothes in cold water only but I now wash everything in hot water except those items that can only be washed in cold water. So now I have to sort through the laundry and separate if need be instead of just shoving everything into the washer."

https://www.democraticunderground.com/100213020920

Another one from July:

"My COVID-19 routine
While Gov. Whitmer has moved Upper Michigan and much of northern lower Michigan to stage 5, I'm still continuing the routine I had when the state was shut down.

High touch items such as remotes, cordless phones, cell phones, door handles and such are disinfected daily.

Kitchen and bathroom counters are sanitized daily and disinfected every few days.

I wear a mask when out and about and use hand sanitizer when I leave a place such as a store and post office.

I go to the stores when they first open (8 a.m.) as fewer people are there at that time.

I take a Clorox wipe with me when I go into a store to wipe down the shopping cart handle.

Canned goods an non-perishable items I purchase at the store are kept in the basement in the grocery bags for at least 3 days before I put them away. Other items are wiped down with Clorox wipes or washed with soap and water before putting away.

When gassing up the car, I use the disposable glove that are available at the pump. Even then, I'll use hand sanitizer after getting back in the car.

Bath towels, hand towels, dish towels, wash cloths, dish cloths are replaced daily with clean ones that have been washed and dried on the sanitize cycles of the washer and dryer.

I do my best to maintain social distancing when out and about.

I'm not under the illusion that I or my wife won't get infected but I'm doing what I can to reduce the chance."

https://www.democraticunderground.com/100213716936





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Response to Drahthaardogs (Reply #72)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 08:11 PM

100. Ditto n/t

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #1)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 10:57 PM

9. Good points. I am more concerned about other people getting infected, including my wife who is high

risk and quite a few elderly folk.

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Response to Doodley (Reply #9)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:07 PM

25. The elderly who attended my mother-in-law's service this past summer stayed at a distance

and they did not attend the reception held afterwards. In the hallway of the hall where the reception was held, I put boxes of masks and bottles of hand sanitizer for those who wished to use them.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #1)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 10:59 PM

12. You think odds of getting covid very small in a gathering with 40 people

not wearing masks? In what Universe?

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Response to LisaL (Reply #12)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:03 PM

19. I attended a service for my own mother-in-law this past summer.

She passed away last winter but we waited till June for the service. Executive Order 2020-115 limited the number of people allowed in the reception hall to 35.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #19)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:06 PM

23. So because you didn't get infected nobody else is getting infected?

Is that the logic here?

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Response to LisaL (Reply #23)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:09 PM

27. We followed Whitmer's executive orders and no one got sick.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #27)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:12 PM

29. So again, because no one got sick at your event, you are assuming no one else is going to get sick

at any other event? Why do we have nearly 200,000 dead people and millions infected?

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Response to LisaL (Reply #29)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:21 PM

31. We followed the executive orders of our esteemed Dem governor.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #31)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 05:30 AM

73. Speed limit is 75

Still not a good idea to drive that fast in a blizzard, though you wonít get pulled over for it

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #1)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:00 PM

15. respectfully disagree.

odds are not good in the described situation.

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Response to consider_this (Reply #15)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:05 PM

22. Yea, you get one super spreader in there, nearly everybody could end up getting infected.

Some could die as a result.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #1)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:08 PM

26. +1. I'd encourage people to make a donation to some worthy charity

and see the family as things get better. I definitely wouldnít argue with my wife or family. I might make myself scarce at gatherings.

For me, I donít want a funeral. Although if circumstances allow me to contribute to an obituary, Iíd sure add Vote Blue and trump sucks.

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Response to Hoyt (Reply #26)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:31 PM

38. My wife took her mother's death very hard.

I was with my wife as I held her hand while she held her mother's hand and she breathed her last. There was no way I would try to stop the memorial service held for her mother this past June.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #38)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:37 PM

43. Agree. My late wife called her mom at least daily, often more. Her mom

got cancer, and lasted about a year. Whatever was necessary for either, was OK with me. CV19 is different, but going with flow is likely best. But Iím OK with OP being concerned too.

Sorry about your MIL.

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 10:53 PM

2. No food.

Sorry you're going through this.

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Response to elleng (Reply #2)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 12:04 AM

60. +1

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 10:54 PM

3. You can go and protect yourself best you can, telling all separation and you keep your mask on.

Forgo the food. Step out often enough and keep the socializing minimal. That would be a tough one for me. Go to a funeral only to end up having more funerals as a result. I don't know.

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Response to LizBeth (Reply #3)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:44 PM

50. I am going to keep my distance, but the reception will be worse than a restaurant. In a restaurant

you don't mingle to meet old friends and family. And a CDC report yesterday said adults who go to restaurants have twice the risk of getting covid.

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Response to Doodley (Reply #50)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 12:02 AM

57. You are exactly right. My father is older and five states from me and I wonder if I would get on a

plane and around a bunch of people in one of the highest covid states with a bunch of people that think it is a hoax. That would be a tough one. I am not isolating all these months for nothing.

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Response to Doodley (Reply #50)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 12:21 PM

92. Definitely skip the reception. If you do decide to attend the funeral for your wife's sake that is

one thing, but I would not go to the reception. It's actually going to be kind of tricky if your wife goes and contracts the virus and brings it back to you. I suppose it depends upon how healthy you both are and what kind of chances you want to take with the survival odds.

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 10:54 PM

4. Is it possible

to set up tables outside for the reception?

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Response to LoveMyCali (Reply #4)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 10:58 PM

11. I don't see why not. There must be a parking lot.

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Response to Doodley (Reply #11)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:04 PM

21. Either outdoor or I would pass on the dinner afterward.

It is simply too dangerous to have that many in a closed space right now.

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Response to roamer65 (Reply #21)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:41 PM

46. Personally, I am going to pass on dinner or pass out.

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 10:54 PM

5. My opinion: It is reckless to have this service at this time.

The thing is, even if you don't go, you can still become infected by your wife who is going. It's a tough one. I guess I'd stay for the service, masked and distanced, then leave before the reception. That way, you'd still be showing your support but not putting yourself in as much danger. I wonder why the service can not wait until it's safer. I don't get it.

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Response to Laffy Kat (Reply #5)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:00 PM

14. She was pressured into it by her anti-masker brother and anti-masker friend.

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Response to Doodley (Reply #14)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:02 PM

17. well then tell her to take a stand.

if they are anti maskers, let them have their own memorial and be responsible for the consequences. Your wife can do a proper one later when things are safe. that is what we decided for my mother.

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Response to consider_this (Reply #17)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:07 PM

24. Invites already gone out. People have already made arrangements,

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Response to Doodley (Reply #24)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:11 PM

28. events can be cancelled OR

let it be the bro and friend's event.

one question - how does she not understand the basics of proper guidelines during the pandemic? you seem to get it.

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Response to consider_this (Reply #28)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:39 PM

45. She has got a lot of bad influences. Her family are Republicans.

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Response to Doodley (Reply #45)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:42 PM

48. Kinda gathered that. :-(

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 10:55 PM

7. wear a mask as much as possible, stay apart

and wash your hands. shower and change clothes when you get home.

the food and drink thing seems a little foolish in the present circumstances, maybe you can slip away for part or most of that?

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Response to Kali (Reply #7)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:01 PM

16. Yes, I am going to speak at the service and think I may step out before my head explodes.

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 10:58 PM

10. might you say to her...

It is tragic enough losing your mother, why would we want to risk anyone else we love or care about being put at risk - that includes you and me. Can we postpose the live memorial to a later date when it can be done safely? If not, can we forgo the food and ask people out of respect to you and your mother, to only come to the memorial if they plan to properly wear a mask.

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Response to consider_this (Reply #10)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:38 PM

44. My wife said that if they die that is their choice. I said that's like Trump holding rallies -

he doesn't care if his supporters get it. It's no different. Well, anyway, turned into a yelling match. All is calm now.

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Response to Doodley (Reply #44)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:46 PM

52. Man, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this...

this begs the question to her - does she think you want to choose to die? this question is probably too harsh for the occasion and i hesitated to write it, but I still do not understand - does she really not realize this puts herself and you at risk? it seems like she really doesn't get the actual facts. not sure what you can do in this case.

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Response to consider_this (Reply #52)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:59 PM

55. My wife just yelled at me and said I need to get some real friends instead of embarrassing her

on the Internet. I said I didn't even reveal what state we live in. I don't think she has the capacity to even try to understand why I am stressed about this.

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Response to Doodley (Reply #55)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 12:03 AM

58. You are not embarrassing her - you are caring for her and trying to find a way to

help her get what she needs and still keep her and yourself physically safe.

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Response to Doodley (Reply #55)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 04:40 AM

69. I'm sorry. She's at an emotional abyss.

and it's terrible to have to lose a loved one this year when mourning is even harder than usual. But she... well, you probably shouldn't say it, but her "friends" who want 40 people to mingle and eat and drink and hug and kiss and weep inside a room don't seem to care very about her health.

There was a wedding last month that accounted for 80 infections and 1 death,and many had not attended the wedding.
I'm sorry this is happening. Can you talk to the funeral director about mitigation? They must have protocols.

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Response to dawg day (Reply #69)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 11:20 AM

75. 147 covid cases and 6 days ago, three deaths. None of the deaths were from the wedding,

but people that got it from someone at the wedding.

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Response to consider_this (Reply #10)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 12:11 AM

63. This is how I feel. If I were to die, I would not want the people I love to gather, get sick or die,

too. I am a bit odd in not even caring about a funeral. I do not want my boys to spend the money on it. But now, I would not want people to gather and get each other sick.

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 10:59 PM

13. I would tell your wife that you will go to the funeral -

provided that there is a space where you can be socially distanced, but that you will not go to an indoor reception at which food and drink are served (unless the food is served and consumed while seated at bubbled tables that are separated by at least 6' - and that is still very risky.)

AND - that if she chooses attends the reception she needs to stay in a hotel/tent/separate house/room for 14 days.

Been there done that with my spouse, who insisted on attending a wedding shower for a niece. Good thing I have a recliner that is comfy for sleeping - since I've just completed my second 14-day stint. Once due to her exposure at the shower; once due to mine (fellow teacher who tested positive - no direct exposure; + 6 students who had enough symptoms to be sent home for 10-days each).



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Response to Ms. Toad (Reply #13)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:35 PM

41. I read that to my wife. She said, "Okay, I'll stay in a hotel for two weeks!" And she wouldn't

stay in any budget hotel either.

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Response to Doodley (Reply #41)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:36 PM

42. What's your life worth? n/t

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:04 PM

20. I have done home care for a 94 year for 2 1/2 years.

My mother is a devote Episcopalian. Her church stopped all church services months ago. They stopped coming to give mom communion at home, for her safety and theirs. My mom and her church understands the need to not resume services. I question why your wife's church thinks this is a good idea.

I think it is the wrong thing to do, that is just my opinion.

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Response to sheshe2 (Reply #20)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:27 PM

36. Thanks for the reply. It isn't my wife's church. We don't go to church. She was pressured

into it by her anti-masker brother who never helped take care of my mother-in-law when she was alive. Some people just want some glory now she has gone.

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Response to Doodley (Reply #36)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:43 PM

49. If she was pressured by anti maskers it is the wrong thing to do.

Umm, not sure what to say. I would bow out, you and your wife can honor her life on your own at a later date. I am sure your MIL would not wish you to put your life on the line.

If her own son did not care enough to help her in need then he has no say what happens now. I know up front and personal the stress, fatigue and huge toll taking care of a loved one takes. It ages you.

Take care of yourself Doodley.

I am so sorry for your loss.

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:16 PM

30. You could tell her that you might be doing this again in 3-4 weeks if she's not careful.

I'm not sure how well that will go over.

People weren't even able to have wakes when this first happened. You are lucky in some perverse way that you can do anything. Everyone has to make their own decisions. They know the risks.

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Response to Renew Deal (Reply #30)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:24 PM

32. You are right. And the chances of getting covid now are much higher than during the lockdown.

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:26 PM

33. If I decided to go, I'd take vitamin D beforehand and gargle with a 1:30 iodine mix before and after

If you have to go, you should take whatever precautions you can.

Iím so sorry that the STUPID SELFISH anti-maskers are making a painful situation even worse. Itís just unreal the stress and suffering their ignorance is causing.

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Response to renate (Reply #33)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:29 PM

37. Thanks for the advice. I am more likely to have a heart attack through anxiety.

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:35 PM

40. Cancel with apologies and have a gathering to honor

her when itís safe.

My Mom died in late March. Had to have a cremation because I canít even take her to her to the state where sheíll be buried with my Dad because of covid. It has been hard but I would feel worse if someone was exposed and got sick because of a decision I made to go ahead.

If your wife doesnít feel like she can stand up to the anti mask family members, then you and your wife stay apart from those people and try to encourage distancing.

You all must be having such hard discussions. Iím sorry for your loss at such a terrible time for grieving.

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:42 PM

47. Do the people in charge of the Hall Require Masks ? Tell guests they can't attend unless they wear a

mask.

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Response to JI7 (Reply #47)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:45 PM

51. The thing is, just like in a restaurant,

you can't eat in a mask. So restaurant could require you to show up in a mask, but then obviously you can take it off to eat. So it's a dog and pony show. If you are showing up in a mask but is then allowed to take it off, what good does it do exactly? It's not magic and it can't protect you when it's off.

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Response to JI7 (Reply #47)

Sun Sep 13, 2020, 11:51 PM

54. personally

I would not be ok with even the hall of 40 people thing, even with masks. It is a closed space. But I will be the first to admit I have been one of the most stringent in my prevention protocols.

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Response to consider_this (Reply #54)


Response to consider_this (Reply #54)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 12:20 AM

64. 40 people inside, some not wearing masks for a good two or three hours. Talking heavy viral load.

Which is the worse.

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 12:01 AM

56. let me tell you one thing from experience

We had a very very very small funeral, with masks. I found it more upsetting than comforting. WHY?
Because here is a situation where you normally want to exchange hugs, and other close contact for comfort - and maybe some joy in reuniting with relatives/friends from a long distance that you have not seen for a while. Trying to maintain the proper distance made it NOT comforting for me, and only anxiety ridden and completely weird.

Ask your wife to think about how it might be for her. Maybe it will be ok for her, but it is worth thinking about in advance if she thinks keeping 6 ft distance of people in that situation is actually going to be any comfort to her.

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 12:06 AM

61. Sounds like there isn't much you can do other than Save Yourself

If anything happens to any of them at least you know you warned them and did what you could.

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 12:08 AM

62. my heart goes out to you

for your loss and the postition you find yourself in. I lost my mom in May. My siblings and I opted for a graveside memorial with no dinner afterwards. Those were early days, and we didn't want to be in the local news for causing an outbreak. I still am not sure it was the right decision. But do what you feel comfortable with. Good Luck.

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 12:40 AM

66. You're right

You can't wear masks while eating. It's a reality.

I think what you can do is space tables, encourage people to eat only with family that they live with, and sit aside a mask only mingling area. If there will be a buffet, have caterers (or dedicated individuals) serve it instead of self serve, and have one or two people go through at a time. Try to encourage people not to hug and kiss, and if they have to touch hands, use sanitizer.

Get everyone on board with this, and it will be safer.

Restaurants are open. Visit a few and see how they are doing it.

I went to a funeral a few months ago. There wasn't a lot of social distancing, but we had masks. Someone I cared about was deeply grieving. I had to go.

I should check on her now.

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 01:24 AM

67. Protect yourself. Be polite. Let the rest go.

You have spoken your mind. Now you choose to go or not. Now you choose to quarantine from you wife after or not. That's about all the power you have on this one.

My heart goes out to your wife and your family.

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Response to KentuckyWoman (Reply #67)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 11:56 AM

80. Thank you.

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 01:31 AM

68. Can you serve food in packages with big bottles of hand sanitiser everywhere

and do everything outside?

It's crazy to do a buffet style meal in the current environment.

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Response to meadowlander (Reply #68)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 11:58 AM

81. I have finally convinced my wife to ask that question about putting tables outside.

She won't let me get involved, as other people have planned it. There will be a lot of sanitizer.

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Response to Doodley (Reply #81)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 12:25 PM

93. Sanitizer won't protect them from an airborne disease.

Covid is mostly transmitted through particles floating into your nose, and sanitizer won't do anything to stop that.

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 05:03 AM

70. First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss

We just experienced this. An aunt passed away two weeks ago, and the wake, funeral and repast were over the labor day weekend.

The wake was in a funeral home. There was a four hour period to attend. We went for the first hour and a half, and left when it started crowding up. Most people were compliant with the masks. I did feel a little nervous here. Some cousins are huggers. Was more worried about my 81 year old father hugging relatives/shaking hands. But we got through it all.

The next morning was the funeral service in a church. My first visit to a church since CV. My father and I sat in our own pew. two rows in front and back of us were all blocked off, according to NY/NJ guidelines. I felt safe here. (I did not receive communion, but the majority in house did. The priest used hand sanitizer to start, did not give into mouths, avoided direct contact with people. It seemed relatively safe and thoughtful, but I'm not there yet.)

Following that was the repast. Outdoor tent at a local restaurant. It felt like a celebration. We were outside. I maintained distance but things got a little sloppy here with some alcohol involved.

I think it's tough to mourn properly. You can do the best job of it that you can, allow yourself the time to mourn.

I would ask people to wear masks and let them know that at the request of the family, masks are to be worn to protect the vulnerable who are mourning the loss of their beloved family members. If someone denies that request, I wouldn't feel bad asking him/her to leave.

Good luck in this. It's a stressful time to say goodbye.

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Response to Dorian Gray (Reply #70)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 12:00 PM

82. I am sorry about the loss of your aunt. I will bring up the subject of masks when I make my speech,

but I am up against resistance.

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Response to Doodley (Reply #82)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 01:44 PM

98. I know it's so tough

when everybody is grieving. Most likely you'll be safe, but do what you feel comfortable with. All rules are being pushed right now.

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 05:09 AM

71. My comments are anecdotal and not directly about

your issue.
I have lost two uncles this year, one after a long bout with cancer and one who died in his sleep.
My mother took them very hard, but especially the sudden death.
We had a long discussion about personal risk and responsibilities. She has said sheís avoiding indoor dining and other crowded indoor spaces, but she refuses to spend any more days of her life locked away from her grandkids and her friends.
I canít fault her. I really canít.

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Response to a la izquierda (Reply #71)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 12:02 PM

83. I am sorry for the loss of your uncles. Yes, I understand your mother not wanting

to be isolated.

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Response to a la izquierda (Reply #71)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 01:18 PM

95. That's what "bubbles" are for--

"I'm going to associate with this small group of people who I know are being careful themselves, and that way, we can limit the risk we are posing to each other."

I get out-- always masked- to stores that seem to be careful, and meet one friend masked and socially distant, and my hubster and son. You can't limit the risk to zero, but we can get it down to a point where the masks and distancing are most of the protection we need.

Next year... I keep hoping things will be better.

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 05:46 AM

74. One of my best friends died in June

We were allowed fifty people at her funeral and there were two people in each row of seats

The repast was outdoors. Is there any way you can have the reception outside?

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Response to malaise (Reply #74)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 12:03 PM

84. I have finally convinced my wife to ask that question about putting tables outside.

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Response to Doodley (Reply #84)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 12:10 PM

87. No one who attended either the funeral or the repast

got Covid-19.

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 11:27 AM

76. Just attended a memorial service for my godmother

Graveside service, everyone told to bring their own lawn chair and socially distance, everyone asked to mask up (and provided hand-sewn masks as memento/directive). No food; which is a big departure from the norm.

Service was 45 minutes, only sang first verse of three hymns (acapella).

It was different, but meaningful none the less.

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Response to MrsMatt (Reply #76)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 12:05 PM

85. I am sorry for your loss. Yes, I can see how a stripped-down memorial could be just as

moving as one with all the bells and whistles.

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 11:31 AM

77. Many people with NOTHING.

My mother died in April. Me my sisters and husband. No more than 10 people were allowed at the funeral home.

We planned a service at the graveside outdoors with a procession from the funeral parlor.

That is how we got to say goodbye to the most important in my life.

She deserved so much more.

I am pissed that even having anything indoors in the age of the pandemic is even being considered.

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Response to boston bean (Reply #77)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 12:09 PM

86. I am sorry for the loss of your mother. What you say while she is alive is what matters most. I

was unable to attend my own mother's funeral, as I was in a different continent. I know though that she knew how much I loved her and knew how much she loved me.

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Response to Doodley (Reply #86)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 12:13 PM

88. I am just saying having anything indoors outrages me.

Many people had nothing but a freezer truck and burial in a paupers grave.

I am sorry, but your wife needs to change her mind.

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 11:33 AM

78. You have a lot to consider.

I hesitate to give advice on things like this, but I would tell you the things I would consider.

1) Were you consulted about how the arrangements were going to be handled? Were you part of the decision to have an indoor service? If not, why not?

2) Both you and your wife are going through a rough time right now. So are her brothers. When people are grieving, they sometimes make irrational decisions.

3) There could have been a choice to have the service outside. That route was not taken. Perhaps that choice should be reexamined.

4) You have a valid concern about being around people eating at a reception.

5) You have a valid concern about some anti-maskers being in attendance. These people tend to be careless in the way they wear their masks, if they even wear one at all.

6) What is the risk level for you and your wife?

7) You only get one life, and sometimes you have to take charge and make things happen the right and safe way.

Good luck, and my condolences for your loss.

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Response to LuckyCharms (Reply #78)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 12:17 PM

91. It's a long story, but my wife and I have been her full-time caretaker for years. Every

day of our lives were about taking care and worrying about her, as well as getting through a lot of our own money, because she had nothing apart from SS check. We had already decided to delay a memorial until it was safe, but then she got all this pressure from a couple of anti-maskers, including her brother, who never once offered to take any responsibility for his mother's care. She just went with the flow, and I wasn't involved. I gave my blessing in advance for her to choose, respecting her choice, even though I am semi-paranoid covid-phobic. I was certainly prepared to compromise for a well-managed socially distanced, masked event, but a reception was never part of the equation.

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Response to Doodley (Reply #91)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 12:27 PM

94. Without going into details...

I've been in a similar situation.

Long term caretaker, spending my own money, zero help from siblings.

You and your wife, in fulfilling the duties that you have, have earned the right to not take anyone else's shit.

You and your wife did the work, you love her, you need to protect both of you, and you don't need to listen to ANYONE who had no skin in the entire situation.

Your anxiety is trying to tell you something. Be strong, but be gentle with your wife. You have no allegiance to anyone else but her. Convince your wife, gently, that there needs to be a change of plans, and tell everyone else to back off.

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Response to LuckyCharms (Reply #94)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 01:37 PM

96. +1

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 11:40 AM

79. Difficult situation, to be sure.

Stay far away from unmasked folks, and ask your wife to do the same, hard as that might be. You should both avoid hugs.

It's almost impossible to convince close relatives not to attend a funeral.

I'm very sorry for your family's loss.

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 12:14 PM

89. I find it strange how people aren't straightforward on this pandemic


You shouldn't take risks and end up getting the virus. It is emblematic to me how people can be so irrational, because it is so stark during this pandemic.

I think of all the strict rules there is for a surgeon for instance in how they perform surgery in order to get the best outcome. Do you think there would be any question how a surgeon would make this decision. Or how about a biological laboratory, would the lab techs be having discussions on what safety methods to use.

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Response to Doodley (Original post)

Mon Sep 14, 2020, 01:43 PM

97. I wouldn't want to be part of something that might cause an outbreak

I live in Maine, which has only .5% positivity rate, which is one of the lowest in the country. There was a wedding in rural Maine that resulted in 160+ cases and 5 deaths so far. It shows you that one single indoor event can have a big impact and being in state with a low case count doesn't mean you are safe. This also has affected a few school districts in that they have had to start 100% online instead of in person half time/online half time as originally planned. I don't know whose wedding that was, that I'm sure the people that know them have given them tons of shit for it.

https://wgme.com/news/coronavirus/5-deaths-now-linked-to-millinocket-area-wedding-including-4-at-madison-nursing-home

Is it possible to have the event outdoors?

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