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Mon Aug 3, 2020, 05:51 PM

Borowitz: Biden leading Trump among Voters who favor being alive

Joe Biden smiling.
Photograph by Andrew Harnik / AP / Shutterstock
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With fewer than a hundred days until the election, Donald J. Trump is trailing Joe Biden badly among voters who describe themselves as in favor of being alive.

The poll, which was conducted by the University of Minnesota, shows Biden beating Trump by a whopping thirty-one per cent among voters who call continuing to exist the issue that is most important to them.

In several swing states, including Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Wisconsin, Biden has wiped out Trump’s lead by racking up huge margins among the rather-not-die-right-now demographic.

“Trump needs to do something dramatic to show voters that he, too, is in favor of them staying alive,” Davis Logsdon, who supervised the poll, said. “I’m not sure that shooting rubber bullets and tear gas at them sends that message.”

Trump’s new campaign manager, Bill Stepien, accused the media of focussing too much attention on the opinions of voters who wish to continue to breathe because of the press’s own “anti-dying bias.”

“This campaign is working overtime to identify voters who are not in favor of being alive and make sure they know that President Trump is on their side,” he said.


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Reply Borowitz: Biden leading Trump among Voters who favor being alive (Original post)
jls4561 Aug 3 OP
Salviati Aug 3 #1
Wounded Bear Aug 3 #7
Collimator Aug 3 #2
Eugene Aug 3 #3
Gothmog Aug 3 #4
malaise Aug 3 #5
Yo_Mama_Been_Loggin Aug 3 #6

Response to jls4561 (Original post)

Mon Aug 3, 2020, 05:55 PM

1. Man, I hate single issue voters...

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Response to Salviati (Reply #1)

Mon Aug 3, 2020, 09:22 PM

7. I see what you did there...

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Response to jls4561 (Original post)

Mon Aug 3, 2020, 06:04 PM

2. But Trump is doing so well. . .

. . .with the "I'm willing to die for the economy/rather than wear a mask" demographic. It's just the unfortunate fact that they keep dying that makes Trump poll numbers look bad. If the Left-Wing media would just include dead people in Trump's poll numbers, people would see how popular he really is.

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Response to jls4561 (Original post)

Mon Aug 3, 2020, 06:08 PM

3. Ouch. Mr. Borowitz cuts uncomfortably close to reality.

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Response to jls4561 (Original post)

Mon Aug 3, 2020, 08:00 PM

4. I love good satire

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Response to Gothmog (Reply #4)

Mon Aug 3, 2020, 08:42 PM

5. This one isn't satire

It's the absolute truth

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Response to jls4561 (Original post)

Mon Aug 3, 2020, 09:21 PM

6. Another winner from Borowitz

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