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Mon Sep 17, 2012, 01:40 PM

Twenty-five things that Mitt Romney needs say in order to get elected in November

In spite of the fact that Mitt Romney is conducting the most inept, tone deaf, ham-handed, mendacious and immature political campaign ever in the vast, long and storied history of American politics, there is one shining light… One gilded, fluffy cloud in his storm filled skies of campaign stump merrymaking, and that is his unabashed penchant for making wildly imaginative claims about what he wouldn't do if he were elected.

You've got to hand it to the guy when he claims that he won't do the things that he implies that President Obama has done, like try to take God off of our money, go on some non-existent "apology tour", or claim that the President is weak in foreign policy after he singlehanded killed Osama Bin Laden, ended the Iraq War and has ground al-Qaeda into a greasy spot in the desert. After Romney has his well appointed ass handed to him in the most spectacular fashion this November, he has quite a future ahead of him as another Tom Clancy-esque fiction writer, if he wants it. You can most definitely call that his "potential!"

Now, since he's willing to say just about anything on the stump, I think that it's about time that he at least make his imaginary claims interesting. He should just take them in hand and go running through the green, green hills with them with flowers in his transitive grayish hair.

I've come up with a list of 25 things that Romney can use. He doesn't have to directly say that the President has done any of these things, all he has to do is claim that he won't do them himself. Let's get started, shall we?

Here are the things that Mitt Romney should promise:

1. That he won't surrender America to the Vandals, Goths, Huns, Visigoths, Mongols or any other barbarian horde.

2. That he won't force American troops to wear fairy wings and sprinkle magical pixie dust on the enemy during US Military combat operations.

3. That he won't invite Israel out to an expensive dinner, excuse himself to go to the bathroom, leave out of the back door and stiff them with the bill.

4. That he won't go on a rodeo riding tour or run away to the circus instead of running the country.

5. That he won't posthumously Mormon baptize Seamus.

6. That he won't sing the Saturday Weekly Presidential Addresses.

7. That he won't put on his Boogie Shoes and dance in the Oval Office.

8. That he won't make vital policy decisions while zonked out on caffeine.

9. That he won't start sexting God on his iPhone 5.

10. That he won't try to get any whiter than he already is.

11. That he won't annex Mexico and call it "Mexiblackistan."

12. That he won't make America clutch its purse when he steps into an elevator.

13. That he won't paint the White House black and rename DC "Chocolate City."

14. That he won't hand out coupons for free abortions.

15. That he won't grow an afro.

16. That he won't stop battling that army of sentient machines that are hellbent on enslaving humanity.

17. That he won't secretly replace your old coffee with Folgers Crystals.

18. That he won't ever abandon Atlantis, Shangri-La, Mordor, Westeros or Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan.

19. That he won't appoint Ann Romney as national fairy godmother.

20. That he won't go on an international Lambada tour.

21. That he won't build our embassies out of candy and invite toddlers to eat them.

22. That he won't change his name to Welfare Mitt Recipient.

23. That he won't go romping around topless on French beaches.

24. That he won't let Paul Ryan give beer bashes in the West Room before giving him the keys to Air Force One.

25. That he won't go changing just to please us, he likes himself just the way that he is.

So, go ahead, Mitt, make it interesting… The 48-hour news cycle is waiting.

If you want to, you too can add to this list as well.

Let's help Mitt out.

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Reply Twenty-five things that Mitt Romney needs say in order to get elected in November (Original post)
MrScorpio Sep 2012 OP
liberal N proud Sep 2012 #1
Ikonoklast Sep 2012 #2
Permanut Sep 2012 #3

Response to MrScorpio (Original post)

Mon Sep 17, 2012, 01:42 PM

1. Don't believe any of them if he says them

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Response to MrScorpio (Original post)

Mon Sep 17, 2012, 01:53 PM

2. You forgot the Hittites!

Why in God's Name does everyone always forget to mention the Hittites???

They were badass in their day, and to be feared mightily!

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Response to MrScorpio (Original post)

Mon Sep 17, 2012, 02:00 PM

3. Also, he won't pal around with terrorists... n/t

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