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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsIn all my 64 years,
I had 2 friends since birth. Since the day I was born they were in my life. We all lived on the same street in Torrance CA. One of my 2 lifelong friends died 3 years ago. The other one has just now decided to be active on fb.
We're having a fight.
How dare I criticize Trump, no one else has had to deal with what he has. Hillary is a bitch.
I'm just venting. I have had to work pretty hard even before this to maintain this friendship, but we love each other because we've known each other forever. We know each other's history like few others. We have been through some shit together. However, she's a die hard racist (who won't admit it) and for some reason I cannot fathom is apparently a fan of trump.
No worries though; she has never voted and swears she never will. I usually shut her up with that observation, but I may have to just delete her BS on fb. She lives in a different state and it's not unusual to go months without talking. it's just that when we do talk, it's like no time passed at all, because we have known each other forever. you know?
i don't want advice. i just wanted to share that my heart is breaking slightly right now.
abqtommy
(14,118 posts)and there are new friends...
barbtries
(28,702 posts)as I do all the keepers. I am indeed blessed to have more than a couple.
NRaleighLiberal
(59,940 posts)because of values. Anyone who supports trump by definition must share trump's values. That is the deal breaker for me.
I feel for you. Tough stuff to process, for sure.
barbtries
(28,702 posts)At least we can keep our distance until civility returns. If it doesn't well, I lived through losing my daughter, my parents, and other loved ones. That it would or could come down to trump is immensely hateful to me, plus it reminds me of hitler too much. But yeah I will get through. It is hard to fully express how thankful I am that my children are not right wing covidiots.
where does all this shit end?! I already don't talk to my brother and avoid my sister for these reasons. these are people i truly love. It seems like that should override everything else but it turns out that hate is just as strong I guess.
NRaleighLiberal
(59,940 posts)you must look us up if/you visit Hendersonville. Not sure where our 28 years in Raleigh went. Be safe and well.
barbtries
(28,702 posts)Where is it? lol
I'm happy for you that you're doing so well and loving life out there!
NRaleighLiberal
(59,940 posts)barbtries
(28,702 posts)so I have visited Asheville a couple times. Strangely enough never been to Charlotte yet.
empedocles
(15,751 posts)Few more may lean. 1 or 2 may be hardcore. They have an alumni reunion scheduled for the fall. Wife has some hope, more about the trend - than the friend.
barbtries
(28,702 posts)Last edited Fri May 29, 2020, 06:29 PM - Edit history (1)
it seems impossible that reasonable people even on the right have not been peeling away from the madman and his cabal all along through his presidency. From our short conversation on fb, I can assure you that my friend has no leg to stand on when it comes to trying to defend him. she can't. nobody can, though they lie and try.
11 Bravo
(23,922 posts)But life-long friendships don't work like that.
Keep your chin up, and I hope you can find peace with this.
barbtries
(28,702 posts)I mean if we hadn't known each other for all of our lives...but we do. we lived right next door to each other from infancy to adulthood. we never lost touch for long.
i imagine we will talk or duo sometime soon and agree not to talk about this. and i will advise her that fb has a handy "hide this post" feature if she doesn't like something i posted. What triggered her today is on the front page of DU by the way.
marlakay
(11,370 posts)I am still on FB because of family and private groups and in the past few months and I dont have a lot of FB friends I have had to do 30 day snooze so I dont see their posts. Saying dumb things about covid or one girl I used to work with got mad when Bernie quit, I see her again now and she is ok.
Maybe just keep snoozing until after the election.
barbtries
(28,702 posts)if she posts something in my thread and it's over the line I'll just delete it. that should drive her apeshit. tee hee
JudyM
(29,122 posts)Some are joining the wrong one based on their own stuff or people they hang with... sorry your heart is one of the casualties..
barbtries
(28,702 posts)she just responded to my observation of trump as the worst president ever "except Obama."
Where does that even come from?
I deleted it. I figure that will frustrate her more than anything else and hopefully she will no longer shit on my threads. and we can be friends and talk about our families and cooking and the weather in MO where she lives and NC where I live, and our long lives together.
MLAA
(17,165 posts)Sorry to hear about the pain this friendship is causing you. I cant imagine being friends with a racist despite any other good qualities they may have. Time to consider saying goodbye.
barbtries
(28,702 posts)When I was 13 my father died. His brother and he had a falling out about 5 years before he suddenly dropped dead of a heart attack. My uncle came to his funeral and he cried all day long. Tears just going down his face the whole time. I swore that day at the age of 13 that I would never let some stupid shit come between my siblings and me.
Enter Fox News followed by Trump. My brother and I barely speak. I avoid my sister and when we talk we steer way clear of politics. We all still know we love each other.
It's pretty much the same with my friend. I've known her just as long as I've known my siblings and in many ways been closer to her. This is me, I cannot quit these people because they have to know I have loved and do love them. That doesn't mean I have to agree with them or mince words with them, hence the long silences. I cannot even seriously contemplate a permanent break. Maybe it's happening; maybe it already did. But in my heart and in my mind this is my brother, who I love, my sister, who I love, and my lifelong friend, who I love.
it doesn't mean I always like them, and certainly I deplore their beliefs.
Skittles
(152,966 posts)she's a die hard racist (who won't admit it) and for some reason I cannot fathom is apparently a fan of trump
you just answered your own question
barbtries
(28,702 posts)it has to boil down to that. i guess it's the won't admit it part - if you want to credibly deny your own racism, don't admit to being a trump fan.
but you are right of course.
hunter
(38,264 posts)barbtries
(28,702 posts)most sensible response ever.
MFM008
(19,782 posts)cant get it through her head why i cant run with her to get coffee or food or sitting at the park like we always used to do.
Even my doctor says closed car contact still isn't safe right now, I cant seem to get her to understand this.
shes taking it personally.
Friends fracture for all types of stupid reasons.
barbtries
(28,702 posts)I don't feel safe at all. Being in a vulnerable population, hearing about how this virus has manifested in so many terrible ways. I'm scared of it. I can't believe your friend doesn't get that. Did you mention over 100,000 dead in the US already? As far as I'm concerned you're doing the right thing. She should at least respect your decision even if she has some sort of misplaced sense of invincibility.
LakeArenal
(28,729 posts)Try to resume a bit after November
Time does change things.
Friendships like marriages ebb and flow.
Youre at an ebb. But shes going to need you after Nov. let her rant at Dumps colossal loss. Just be you. Say how you feel. Dont wAlk on eggs. If you let them go and if they come back.... welcome them home. Or some such saying.
Good luck.
barbtries
(28,702 posts)best thing i can do is let it go. I love DU. People get me here.
redstatebluegirl
(12,264 posts)Most of my friends from high school are trump lovers.
barbtries
(28,702 posts)a man I've known since he was born. He wasn't brought up this way. I think it's hate radio that got him. his mother is baffled.
redstatebluegirl
(12,264 posts)His parents, like your friends, are stumped. I talked to his mom on the phone last week, she asked if I would try and talk to him, I told her he was clearly brainwashed and I doubted it would do any good. I live around tons of those people here in Oklahoma. Fox news is a pox on our country. His mom said he listens to Limbaugh all the time, Lord help us. How can smart people become this way. His mom and dad are in their late 80's and it is killing them. They were both union stewards.
barbtries
(28,702 posts)i do believe it's brainwashing. my brother has fox on 24/7. there's no talking to him.
Meowmee
(5,164 posts)I have one friend I stopped communicating with for various reasons. Recently was contacted for help, which I did without too much contact, but I am debating should I go there again.
barbtries
(28,702 posts)I can think of one especially who lied to me. I thought we would be friends for the rest of our lives, but I ended it then. She got in touch in 2018, I was working in Phoenix and she was living there, but I ended up passing on the offer to meet with her. It had been 20 years basically.
I never really thought of myself as an unforgiving person, but then she never apologized either. Another friend at the time said when I encounter something like that I simply omit them from my circle. It made so much sense. Of course that was a personal injury and not a difference in values and political beliefs. But Trump has made it all personal.
Meowmee
(5,164 posts)Sounds like you made the right choice in that case. I have so much to deal with with all my health issues that I dont have the energy for that stress anymore etc. I hope it works out, maybe just avoid confrontation if possible.
Steelrolled
(2,022 posts)Some people can ignore it, others can't.
barbtries
(28,702 posts)the pic of the moment: https://www.democraticunderground.com/1017584763
I do post these things on fb to raise consciousness, especially when it's something like this. just facts really. So I guess it could be argued that I started it. It's like the first time I have known her to post on fb. This was the one that triggered her.
eh. I deleted her last post that said President Obama was worse than Trump. I haven't deleted her as a friend. We have to agree to ignore it. She can hide my political posts or I can delete her bullshit responses. I hide posts all the time when offended by them. It certainly happens. In fact she got a like from the daughter of my only other lifelong friend, who died 3 years ago. I hide her crap all the time. Still she's a connection to one of my ever best friends.
yonder
(9,631 posts)Someone I've known for 58 years has always been a reactionary sort. We grew up a few houses from each other and have shared many experiences, both good and bad. I've lived in another state for many years but always made a point of knocking on that door when in town. The last time I saw this person, something had definitely changed. Someone or something had gotten to him and I could see it was pointless to hope for an intelligent conversation. That was about 5 years ago and I sensed then that I would not likely be looking him up again.
I can accept that loss knowing that things fade away and I'll not be changing his mind. Time and many years of history together seem to be a good reason to sustain a relationship but that effort may not be healthy for those involved.
Stay true to yourself and those closest to you. Look forward. Your next 64 years will bring new friendships along with the wisdom of your first 64 years.
barbtries
(28,702 posts)although to be honest i don't relish the thought of living for 128 years!
rufus dog
(8,419 posts)Defense Contractor, OR directly benefited from So Cal Defense Contractor spending. Basically the peace time dividend provided by FDR and Truman. So now, this ignorant piece of shit wants to shit on those behind her and blame them because they aren't provided the same leg up that her worthless fucking ignorant ass was provided. Tell her to fuck off, I will drive up the road 30 miles to tell her ignorant ass to fuck off.
barbtries
(28,702 posts)and you are quite right. Aerospace made them. I think it was Hughes. Her father just died last year. When her mother passes away she'll be set for life. Her parents still lived in the same house and had the same phone number when her father died. I love her but it's true, she wallows in ignorance and virulent racism that she won't acknowledge.
Demonaut
(8,909 posts)next time you talk, focus on the past and your mindsets of that time, slowly ease her in to your reality but be prepared to lose some battles and try not to take it too personally but with an open mind, find out the root of her fears...because it is fear that guides her mind
barbtries
(28,702 posts)I usually end any political BS with you don't vote so you can't tell me shit. She is the only one that I can comfortably tell her hey you are full of shit, you're a terrible racist, you don't pay attention and you live in a bubble. But usually I just say how's the weather in MO?
Demonaut
(8,909 posts)barbtries
(28,702 posts)sigh.
womanofthehills
(8,584 posts)And agree not to talk politics on the phone. A Republican friend of mine thankfully just took herself off Twitter.
Kid Berwyn
(14,651 posts)The art of persuasive speech.
https://web.cn.edu/kwheeler/resource_rhet.html
In short (this used to work before before Fox Noose):
A river of ignorance and misunderstanding divides us.
State we dont know everything, but we can work to understand one another.
Suggest we build a bridge of understanding to each other and meet there in the middle.
There, we can learn each others language, perspective, positions and (real) motivations.
Show why and how our side is the best side to be on and that it serves in her best interests.
She will want to come back to our side.
barbtries
(28,702 posts)she was for one thing never on our side. she's never voted. she's not curious enough to learn honestly.
if she tried that on me it would be just as useless because i pay attention and am way better informed than she is.
better I think we stick to what's up with our families, what it's like getting old, reminiscing and celebrating the many years we've been friends.
Kid Berwyn
(14,651 posts)My wife is in a similar situation. She has lifelong friends and a lot of family in Texas who are on the other side. They talk about everything except politics. She sees their Facebook posts and cringes at the thought, Who is this person? And how could they write something so vile?
Ive tried straightening a few out, especially if they come over to dinner. Sometimes Im outnumbered, but gosh darn they never argue facts. All they can support is a corrupt party, bankrupt ideology or sociopathic politician because that is all they know.
A favorite book on all this IMHO is Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig. Its one of the great books from the 70s. Its focus on rhetoric, Quality and lifes direction has helped me keep going forward. If you havent read it, you might enjoy it.
barbtries
(28,702 posts)and I never did read it. The Feminine Mystique is out there sitting on my book pile too. I finally read 1984 last year (chilling). I'll check it out.
cilla4progress
(24,589 posts)alone.
barbtries
(28,702 posts)Maru Kitteh
(28,303 posts)the light you shine may finally lead someone to see.
barbtries
(28,702 posts)though with some it kinda feels like i'm beating my head against a wall.
Maru Kitteh
(28,303 posts)The good fight