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Sun May 10, 2020, 10:04 PM

 

Why I'm not honoring my mom today

I've tried, over the years, I really have. I've tried to take into account the damage she suffered from an abusive, hateful father. I've tried to hold on to the few good moments we shared, but I just can't anymore.

The fact is my mom was racist, homophobic, and just plain mean. She was an anchor around the neck of my family for close to 50 years. It took me decades to unlearn the vile stuff she planted in my head.

After she died, I asked my dad why he never left her. His answer? He still saw the girl he married, and he didn't think she would be able to take care of herself. And that she refused every offer of help. He was probably right.

She swam in a sea of booze, pills, and hatred. If she had lived long enough, she would have been MAGA to the core.

I don't want to spend too much time capping on her.

Instead, I honor my grandma Era. First person in her family to go to college. Member of U. Tennessee's 1st female basketball team. First woman head accountant at Sears-Roebuck. She taught me how to bait a hook, clean a fish, and shoot a free-throw (granny-style ).

She also took me to my first picket-line to support grandpa, on strike from Uniroyal rubber.

Most, most, most important, she taught me to judge people by what they did, not how they looked, who they loved, or where they came from.

So Grandma Era Janice Foster (1902- 1989) This mother's day is for you.

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Arrow 24 replies Author Time Post
Reply Why I'm not honoring my mom today (Original post)
SinisterPants May 2020 OP
lunatica May 2020 #1
lunasun May 2020 #2
TruckFump May 2020 #3
Totally Tunsie May 2020 #14
Name removed May 2020 #23
JI7 May 2020 #4
CatWoman May 2020 #5
Name removed May 2020 #8
CatWoman May 2020 #9
Meowmee May 2020 #6
Name removed May 2020 #10
Meowmee May 2020 #12
albacore May 2020 #7
Name removed May 2020 #13
Name removed May 2020 #17
eppur_se_muova May 2020 #11
Totally Tunsie May 2020 #15
MLAA May 2020 #16
GriffenRamsey May 2020 #18
BobTheSubgenius May 2020 #19
Name removed May 2020 #20
Warpy May 2020 #21
C Moon May 2020 #22
oasis May 2020 #24

Response to SinisterPants (Original post)

Sun May 10, 2020, 10:09 PM

1. That's a very nice grandmother!

Itís good that you had her to counteract the damage.

My grandmothers and mother were more like your mother. Mean women who doted on their favorites and lashed out at the rest of us. I know what you mean. Any touch by them was a push, a shove or a jerk. But it was what came out of their mouths that wounded the most.

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Response to SinisterPants (Original post)

Sun May 10, 2020, 10:11 PM

2. So glad you had Grandma Era! ❤️ I had a great aunt that helped raise me.

Although she had no children of her own, this Motherís Day is for her !

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Response to SinisterPants (Original post)

Sun May 10, 2020, 10:17 PM

3. Boy, do you and I have a lot in common.

My mother was a hateful, abusive bitch to everyone. But for my maternal grandmother, I would have not had any maternal love and care. My grandmother was an angel. I honor her and not my abusive ďmother.Ē

My grandmother died in 1980 and I still miss her every day of my life. When my mother died, I didnít even go to her funeral. I was just glad she could not do anymore harm to me and those who I love and care for.

Peace...

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Response to TruckFump (Reply #3)

Sun May 10, 2020, 11:14 PM

14. Are we sisters, TruckFump?

It sure sounds that way. My mother was a toxic, abusive, jealous bitch from the earliest days I can remember. Because she didn't like my father's family nor trust her own, I was forbidden to visit or even speak with any of them. Finally, at the age of 50, I grew a spine, phoned both families, and enjoyed a close relationship with those who had been lost to me for years.

My sweet Baci (grandmother) had 9 children. Mother was the only bad seed. I adored Baci and three special aunts, and took shelter in their homes whenever I could. Every now and then, Mother would disappear for a couple of weeks, and those were the happiest times for my dad and me. (I was, BTW, an only child.)

After my father passed, I brought her to my home two states away, so she could adjust to her loneliness. During that time, it pained her to see the loving, close relationships I had with my own grown children. It was my greatest, albeit unplanned, revenge for her years of physical and emotional abuse.

Well into her 90's, she still attempted to beat me with her cane, but no longer had the strength. My happiest day was June 7, 2017, when her fifth nursing home called to tell me she was dead at the age of 97. An anvil had been lifted from my shoulders.

Almost any woman can be a mother. It takes someone special to be a mom.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all the moms out there. Kiss your kids.

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Response to Totally Tunsie (Reply #14)


Response to SinisterPants (Original post)

Sun May 10, 2020, 10:18 PM

4. Agree, You DID have a positive person in your life that was good to you

and you should think about them.

People should not be obligated to support/love/honor/whatever those who are abusive assholes just because they are family.

Especially in cases like yours where it was continuous and you seemed to give her a chance and even felt you should try to after she had passed.

No, think about the people who deserve it.

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Response to SinisterPants (Original post)

Sun May 10, 2020, 10:22 PM

5. I have only one question

just HOW sinister are your pants????

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Response to CatWoman (Reply #5)


Response to Name removed (Reply #8)

Sun May 10, 2020, 10:38 PM

9. I'm sorry -- that user name just makes me giggle

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Response to SinisterPants (Original post)

Sun May 10, 2020, 10:24 PM

6. My mom passed away 30 years ago or so from a brain aneuryism

So I donít celebrate it anymore. Sometimes my family gives me mother day cards because I am mom to all my kitties 😹

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Response to Name removed (Reply #10)

Sun May 10, 2020, 10:41 PM

12. Yes they do of course😊

They are nursing me through covid pneumonia, almost done with it I hope now.

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Response to SinisterPants (Original post)

Sun May 10, 2020, 10:36 PM

7. My ex... now passed...

...had the same kind of mother. She was estranged from her mother when we met.. many years ago. When we decided to marry, I pestered her to get in touch with her mom...start all over again. So mom came to where we were living and hung around for a few weeks before the wedding.
The woman was Satan. She belittled her daughter, tried to run the wedding, tried to do the same with me, but I was fresh out of the Marine Corps, so she and I had a meeting of the minds.
I let her stay until the wedding, then shipped her ass out.
I apologized to my ex a thousand times for poking my nose into that mess. I should have apologized 10,000 times.
Some women are mothers only in that they have the plumbing for it. I swear, if my ex's mother had been a hamster, she'd have eaten her young.
Ya done good to put that shit behind you.

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Response to SinisterPants (Original post)

Sun May 10, 2020, 10:40 PM

11. I am so glad my sister never had children, because this is probably just how she would have been.

Yes, she had a bad childhood. But she can't grow out of it. She wallows in bitterness and resentment, and blames everyone but herself for her bad decisions, and acts as if no one else has ever suffered in any way worth mentioning -- only her, the poor, oppressed victim. Victimhood is one of the hallmarks of trumpsters, so no surprise she's the only one in our immediate family.

I feel about my dad (her abusive dad) about the same way you do about your mother, though he wasn't as extreme. He finally decided to leave his children his money -- money which would have totally altered my life if he had bothered to spend it on my education when I needed it, but which is just money now. Not planning to attend his funeral.

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Response to SinisterPants (Original post)

Sun May 10, 2020, 11:23 PM

15. You have my sympathies, SinisterPants.

Thank heavens for your loving grandmother and any other gentle influences you had in your life. I'm glad you were able to rise above the abuse and make a good life for yourself despite harsh beginnings.

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Response to SinisterPants (Original post)

Sun May 10, 2020, 11:39 PM

16. What a lovely name Era, for a wonderful woman.

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Response to SinisterPants (Original post)

Mon May 11, 2020, 12:12 AM

18. Amen brother.

 

I have one of those. She died before she could go full MAGA, but the booze pills and downward trend were all there.

Before she died, she told me she kept my grandmother alive and in agony for two years until she could get the will changed.

Today we honored my mother in law who has grace, good sense and good health and who we are sheltering with through this. We moved her here to ge with us last year.

I too ended up with a head full of hit that had to be unlearned. It takes time to relearn these lessons, accept how bad they were, and forgive yourself your missteps along the way.

Be well and be safe this motherless day.

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Response to SinisterPants (Original post)

Mon May 11, 2020, 12:13 AM

19. It's a little boost for me to read such an honest account of one's mother.

Most people I know don't get why i wasn't very connected to my parents, but I don't feel the need to defend it. Once I totally grasped the dynamic(s) - really felt them, *grokked* them, if you will - I was at peace with it.

They were far from awful people. They just weren't warm, loving people, and they never instilled that into me. As my wife says "Your friends are your family," and that is totally true. Earlier this week, I spoke to a friend that I first met in Grade 3, and today, I called out a Happy Birthday to a friend I met in Grade 1.

I think that someone (me) who is able to maintain 60+ year friendships is not someone totally devoid of human emotions.

So, SinisterPants, I salute you.

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Response to SinisterPants (Original post)

Mon May 11, 2020, 12:47 AM

21. Mother's Day is tough for a lot of people

I had a love-hate thing with my own mother. I think if she hadn't been stuck being my mother and we'd simply met sometime after I'd grown up, we'd have been friends, good ones. As it was, she did some damage and it took a while to uninstall all the buttons she'd constantly push, but when I did that and she realized they didn't work any more, she did back off.

We had a talk about what would happen if my dad went first. She said if she moved in with me, it would take about a week and I'd hear her up at night, sharpening the knives. I told her she wouldn't have the energy with that much arsenic in her soup.

So we made a sort of peace.

She was tolerant of others when I was growing up but became increasingly bigoted as she aged. There was nothing I could do about that but ignore it and realize that people who don't come to terms with things as they age often look for scapegoats.

So I can honor her today. She had a few firsts under her belt, also, and a mouth like a sailor and a cynical outlook on both politics and religion. I'd love to hear her take on Big Dummy. I'm sure it would be detailed, prolonged, and very rude.

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Response to SinisterPants (Original post)

Mon May 11, 2020, 01:08 AM

22. My mother was a racist, too. Until her dying day--commenting under her breath about the nurses.

Sometimes, I can't help but recall the derogatory terms she used in front of her children calling out people of different color, religion, country, etc.

All of my other family members (all liberal Democrats) seem to be able to look beyond it. I never could. I think it was a terrible thing.

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Response to SinisterPants (Original post)

Mon May 11, 2020, 01:23 AM

24. To Grandma Era Janice Foster

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