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Zorro

(15,691 posts)
Sun Mar 22, 2020, 09:27 PM Mar 2020

Dr. Fauci Reports That Alcohol May Help People Survive Coronavirus Briefings

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a “promising development,” Dr. Anthony Fauci said on Sunday that alcohol may help people survive the most severe effects of coronavirus briefings.

Noting that millions of Americans have been exposed to the daily briefings of the White House Coronavirus Task Force, Fauci said that he had voluntarily submitted to a preliminary trial of the alcohol-based therapy.

“What we have found is that a single dosage before the briefing and as much as a double dosage after the briefing do much to alleviate the most acute suffering,” Fauci said.

The esteemed virologist said that if Americans are able to administer additional doses during the briefings, “Consider yourself lucky.” But, even as Fauci hailed the benefits of the new treatment, he sounded a note of caution. “The effect of this medication is temporary,” he said. “Sadly.”

Fauci’s findings are in line with anecdotal reports indicating that Americans have been alleviating symptoms in a similar manner since November, 2016.

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/dr-fauci-reports-that-alcohol-may-help-people-survive-coronavirus-briefings

42 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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Dr. Fauci Reports That Alcohol May Help People Survive Coronavirus Briefings (Original Post) Zorro Mar 2020 OP
And this is why liquor stores are considered an essential business that must stay open. milestogo Mar 2020 #1
Imagine the social unrest if they are forced to close. bluescribbler Mar 2020 #8
I recall reading they are closed in Pennsylvania cojoel Mar 2020 #15
That is correct bluescribbler Mar 2020 #32
First Place Looted, I'd Guess ProfessorGAC Mar 2020 #33
I've always thought that liquor producers were good stocks to buy. Totally Tunsie Mar 2020 #19
they are considered essential in illinois n/t orleans Mar 2020 #22
They are run by the government in North Carolina, and they are staying open. BComplex Mar 2020 #42
Someone needs to give this "scientific finding" to Ilsa Mar 2020 #2
Only More justification for Marijuana legalization Under The Radar Mar 2020 #3
Rats !! Borowitz !! I'm gonna drink anyway. rickford66 Mar 2020 #4
Borowitz is a treasure lordsummerisle Mar 2020 #5
I love good satire Gothmog Mar 2020 #6
I gave up my wine because alcohol lowers the imune system but I may start back up if I see yaesu Mar 2020 #7
Trump is dangerouser than any mere virus! lunatica Mar 2020 #39
If that doesn't work out long-term, we may need a briefing vaccine. KY_EnviroGuy Mar 2020 #9
Damn! Dem2theMax Mar 2020 #10
Will this guy do? Totally Tunsie Mar 2020 #20
It's beer. I think. Dem2theMax Mar 2020 #23
Take a look here. Totally Tunsie Mar 2020 #25
Those would work! Dem2theMax Mar 2020 #34
Wish I could help you, but I'm technologically even worse than you, Totally Tunsie Mar 2020 #37
You just said some really scary words there. Dem2theMax Mar 2020 #40
How about this one? Crunchy Frog Mar 2020 #21
More beer. Again. I think. Dem2theMax Mar 2020 #24
Nah. People don't usually pass out from beer. Besides, the smiley is called "booze". Crunchy Frog Mar 2020 #31
You wouldn't see me drinking a large glass of 'booze'. Dem2theMax Mar 2020 #35
I know there's one for wine: Aquaria Mar 2020 #28
Wine. Sigh. I love wine. Dem2theMax Mar 2020 #36
Theres got to be porential for a drinking game leighbythesea2 Mar 2020 #11
Drink during the presser TheDemsshouldhireme Mar 2020 #12
Are you trying to kill everyone by alcohol poisoning? Aquaria Mar 2020 #29
Was this before or after the cannabis one? Brainfodder Mar 2020 #13
I noticed Fauci was not at today's Trump press conference. SunSeeker Mar 2020 #14
He must have customerserviceguy Mar 2020 #18
Do NOT drive after taking multiple treatments Zambero Mar 2020 #16
We just restarted customerserviceguy Mar 2020 #17
OK, that's the best laugh of the day, and the one that'll send me to bed. NBachers Mar 2020 #26
it's................. Celerity Mar 2020 #27
A time honored solution? wendyb-NC Mar 2020 #30
I'm heading for the liquor store, before the hoarders swarm the place. JustABozoOnThisBus Mar 2020 #38
Liquor stores are deemed an essential business too because of Trumpvirus. BeckyDem Mar 2020 #41

ProfessorGAC

(64,425 posts)
33. First Place Looted, I'd Guess
Mon Mar 23, 2020, 08:40 AM
Mar 2020

And, if open as pretty much normal, unlikely it would be masses in the store.
I've gone a couple times to get my juice (the kind of tomato juice I drink is cheaper there than anything else), my Heineken Zero, and wine for my wife. I wipe down everything when I get home and my hands as soon as I get to the car.
I've seen 5 people, tops, including the cashier/manager.

Totally Tunsie

(10,885 posts)
19. I've always thought that liquor producers were good stocks to buy.
Mon Mar 23, 2020, 01:00 AM
Mar 2020

People drink when they're happy; people drink when they're sad or mad. Win-win.

BComplex

(7,982 posts)
42. They are run by the government in North Carolina, and they are staying open.
Mon Mar 23, 2020, 03:22 PM
Mar 2020

The employees have been wearing little rubber gloves, but no masks. The counters separating them from the customers are only about 2-1/2 feet wide.

Ilsa

(61,675 posts)
2. Someone needs to give this "scientific finding" to
Sun Mar 22, 2020, 09:35 PM
Mar 2020

the orange a-hole. Maybe he'll get even more confused and recommend alcohol to fight the COVID-19 War!

yaesu

(8,020 posts)
7. I gave up my wine because alcohol lowers the imune system but I may start back up if I see
Sun Mar 22, 2020, 11:16 PM
Mar 2020

another tRump hearing.

lunatica

(53,410 posts)
39. Trump is dangerouser than any mere virus!
Mon Mar 23, 2020, 02:28 PM
Mar 2020

Just the stress factor alone will lower your immune system to killing levels.

KY_EnviroGuy

(14,483 posts)
9. If that doesn't work out long-term, we may need a briefing vaccine.
Sun Mar 22, 2020, 11:37 PM
Mar 2020

Otherwise, I suggest Dr. Fauci consider a pocket flask.

KY............

Dem2theMax

(9,595 posts)
10. Damn!
Sun Mar 22, 2020, 11:40 PM
Mar 2020

I'm going to run out of alcohol.
There isn't enough tequila in the world.

(We need a tequila smiley.)

Dem2theMax

(9,595 posts)
23. It's beer. I think.
Mon Mar 23, 2020, 03:07 AM
Mar 2020

We need a tequila shot glass, bottle of tequila, salt and some limes. I'm very particular. LOL!

Dem2theMax

(9,595 posts)
34. Those would work!
Mon Mar 23, 2020, 01:09 PM
Mar 2020

How the heck do I get those on my phone?
Technologically stupid here. I freely admit it.

Now we are getting into the important stuff!
Hunkering down in my house is easy. LOL! Sort of.

Totally Tunsie

(10,885 posts)
37. Wish I could help you, but I'm technologically even worse than you,
Mon Mar 23, 2020, 02:24 PM
Mar 2020

especially on my phone! In fact, I'm currently wrestling with an errant remote printer that's gone offline - GRRRRR!

Good luck, and stay well.

Dem2theMax

(9,595 posts)
40. You just said some really scary words there.
Mon Mar 23, 2020, 02:31 PM
Mar 2020

'Errant remote printer.'

You need more luck than I do right now! LOL.

So good luck to you, and you stay healthy and safe.


Crunchy Frog

(26,548 posts)
31. Nah. People don't usually pass out from beer. Besides, the smiley is called "booze".
Mon Mar 23, 2020, 05:57 AM
Mar 2020

This is the beer one.

Dem2theMax

(9,595 posts)
35. You wouldn't see me drinking a large glass of 'booze'.
Mon Mar 23, 2020, 01:13 PM
Mar 2020

I don't know which one would happen first.
Death, or praying to the Porcelain Bowl God.
And then death.

Beer on the other hand, that I can handle, and that is in the fridge. Purchased a lot, planning on having a chili and cornbread party with all the neighbors.

But then we had some event that canceled all of that.
I can't quite remember what it was.

Oh yeah. Pandemic!

Thankfully, everything will keep!

 

Aquaria

(1,076 posts)
28. I know there's one for wine:
Mon Mar 23, 2020, 04:39 AM
Mar 2020


That was me before I was diagnosed diabetic. Now I'm down to one drink maybe every two or three weeks. It gives me a sadz.



But what else can I do? Alcohol is far from diabetes friendly. On the bright side, I'm saving lots of money that used to go to vino purchases.

Dem2theMax

(9,595 posts)
36. Wine. Sigh. I love wine.
Mon Mar 23, 2020, 01:20 PM
Mar 2020

When I was young, it loved me too.

Then I got old, or at least older. Today, I definitely feel old. Lol? Anyway, now all I have to do is look at a glass of wine and I get a hangover. It's not fair!

Many years ago, I worked in a gourmet restaurant. I was in the office part, can't cook. And I was educated in wine. Developed quite a picky palate, and got to appreciate wines from all over the world without having to pay for them. Best job in the world! Especially when you are young. You can drink a lot of wine and wake up feeling fine.

Yep, that was in the olden days. Had dinner with some neighbors last month. I brought a nice bottle of wine. One of my friends and I got a little carried away because it tasted really good. I've never had a two-day hangover before.

leighbythesea2

(1,200 posts)
11. Theres got to be porential for a drinking game
Sun Mar 22, 2020, 11:43 PM
Mar 2020

Here.
Shot every eye roll from Fauci? Or pained look. Or face palm.
Id say the word "best" or "beautiful" from the fuhrer but i cant listen.

SunSeeker

(51,369 posts)
14. I noticed Fauci was not at today's Trump press conference.
Sun Mar 22, 2020, 11:55 PM
Mar 2020

Did Trump fire Fauci from the dog and pony show crew?

Zambero

(8,954 posts)
16. Do NOT drive after taking multiple treatments
Mon Mar 23, 2020, 12:27 AM
Mar 2020

At some point you'd stand a very high probability of undergoing "testing", with "positive" results.

JustABozoOnThisBus

(23,283 posts)
38. I'm heading for the liquor store, before the hoarders swarm the place.
Mon Mar 23, 2020, 02:27 PM
Mar 2020

But if I thought of it, it's already too late.

Nothing left but Popov vodka.

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