HomeLatest ThreadsGreatest ThreadsForums & GroupsMy SubscriptionsMy Posts
DU Home » Latest Threads » Forums & Groups » Main » General Discussion (Forum) » Top 10 Conservative Idiot...

Wed Mar 18, 2020, 05:21 PM

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-10: Sorry Folks, Humanity Is Closed Edition

Last edited Mon Mar 23, 2020, 11:35 AM - Edit history (1)

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-10: Sorry Folks, Humanity Is Closed Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Holy fucking shit. I mean seriously, we take one week off and it is literally the end of the world as we know it. And I feel fine. Yeah that’s the kind of joke that gets lost when you have no live audience. So is this one – Sorry folks, humanity is closed! Moose out front should have told you! But we’re not here to make fun of the situation at hand, because how can you? There’s nothing good in the news right now and it’s all bad, and will probably get worse before it gets better. So what we’re here to do is to lighten the load. We’re all in this together and we’re all holed up together so we might as well make the best of it. Now how this is going to work, is that we already had a couple of rounds of Stupidest State in the can when we were putting together this week’s edition and that was of course before the world went to shit. Now will things resume and we will get back to some sort of normalcy? Who knows? Or will we fall into some sort of weird dystopian Mad Max Fury Road / Avengers Endgame / Terminator 3 scenario? There’s no telling because the people in charge are completely full of shit. Don’t worry, we will get back to making fun of them as soon as we possibly can. And our original plan this week was to have it be all about the virus, but the news is just too god damn depressing to make fun of. And it changes literally every minute, we don’t know what’s going to happen and we don’t have the kind of time and resources to figure it out. So instead we’re going to do the opposite and make this completely virus free. And we’re going to make this a hybrid Best Of / New Content edition. Because like us, you’re probably sick of talking about the virus. So this week, instead, it’s our civic duty to give you a break from all the madness. And how this is going to work is that we’re going to open up the Top 10 Mail Bag and take your suggestions for some of the best things we’ve done from all of the Top 10s. And as I said in my announcement last week, what’s the point of doing live comedy without a live audience? There isn’t any. That said, that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and he discusses your local sheriff and he’s probably the most corrupt POS out there:

Well so as I said we’re taking your requests this week. Since we can’t do this in front of a live audience like we normally do, we are going to be combing the archives dating all the way back to Idiots #1 and taking your requests! And can I reveal a secret for season 9 when we start back? We have a new home spot! We left our home at the UCB Theater in Hollywood and we’re packing up and moving to the legendary Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank, that will be our new home spot! Well in the first slot, from Idiots #6-1, what is Trump’s (1) obsession with the show Game Of Thrones? We will do a deep dive into this subject and he most likely doesn’t get the reference. In the second slot, from Idiots #5-2, remember when last year the worst thing we had to worry about was that crazy plan to split California into 3 states (2)? Tetridge Farm remembers! Taking the third slot this week, from Idiots #3-13, remember when Rush Limbaugh (3) mocked the victims of a hurricane? Yeah so do we! Real Medal Of Freedom recipient right there! At slot #4, from Idiots #4-5, we’re going to introduce you to Arthur Jones (4) who is an actual, certified, real life Illinois Nazi. Where are the Blues Brothers when you need them? Taking the 5th slot, from Idiots # is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and remember when the worst thing that could kill you was your breakfast? Yeah Tetridge Farm remembers! At slot #6 this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) from Idiots #5-21, our resident pastor asks the question “Is CNN Satanic?” (spoiler alert! Probably). Taking the seventh slot this week, from Idiots #7-22, music fans will probably remember the beef last year when Billie Eilish was questioned by Jimmy Kimmel and people were surprised to learn that she didn’t know who Van Halen was. But really, Eddie Van Halen probably doesn’t know who Van Halen was. In the number 8 slot this week, from Idiots #8-7, with the start of the XFL we wonder how the XFL is still a thing and right now no it isn’t but we wish it was. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week we have an all new People Are Dumb! Because we can at least laugh at stupid people right? Finally this week, it’s time to commence Stupidest State 2020! And this week it’s Round 1 Week 1! We are live at the home of the Colorado Avalanche, Pepsi Center in Denver, Colorado, for all the action action action! In the Batshit Conference, it’s a battle for the league’s best as #1 ranked Virginia takes on old school rivals #2 Kentucky! Meanwhile it’s a Family Values faceoff as last year’s champions and conference favorite #1 Alabama take on the extremely hot #2 Oklahoma Sooners! And the palate cleanser after all of this, from that time our good friends the Dropkick Murphys stopped by! And as always don’t forget the key!

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Catch Up On Stuff We Missed
[br] [/font]

From: Idiots #6-1

Sandra Y. from Yuma City, AZ asks:

“Hey Top 10, do you have any suggestions of things we can watch while we’re in isolation?”

Well, Sandra, our president has a suggestion, but something tells me he hasn’t seen a single episode!

Man does it feel good to be back everyone! And we picked the right city to debut the 6th season of the Top 10! As usual, whenever the Top 10 is out on an extended break like we were over the Christmas and New Year’s holiday, we like to play catch up on stuff we missed. Because we live in an era where there’s literally batshit crazy stuff happening every minute of every day. And whew, did we miss a lot! See, we may take a holiday but conservative idiocy definitely does not! I mean Trump pretty much spent Christmas and his favorite holiday – New Year’s Eve – pretty much all alone in the White House by himself. I know usually we need the Sad Hulk music for this one but we really need something much sadder.

Yeah there we go! So how did Trump spend the most merry and jolliest of holidays?

At what age do children wonder whether Santa really exists?
President Donald Trump would like to know.

In a Christmas Eve call, Trump asked a 7-year-old named Collman Lloyd whether the child still believes in Santa Claus.
"Are you still a believer in Santa? Because at 7, it's marginal, right?" Trump asked Collman.

Collman's response, though inaudible to the press, left Trump with a chuckle and a smile.
The call came around 6:30 p.m. Monday as the President and first lady Melania Trump spoke on separate phones to children whose calls to NORAD had been patched through to the White House lines.

In front of a crackling fire and between two Christmas trees, Trump wished Collman a Merry Christmas and asked the child's age and Christmas plans and wondered how school was going.

Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! That’s right – Trump literally asked a 7 year old kid what age it’s acceptable to stop believing in Santa! And by the way – no he didn’t show up in Florida for his annual Mar-A-Shithole NYE bash. But guess what? Even club patrons think that place is much more pleasant when he’s not around!

Palm Beach is a little town that parties big, and the biggest party of the year is Donald Trump’s New Year’s revel at Mar-a-Lago. The president may have been born in June, but he is a true Scorpio who lives to get even, and Mar-a-Lago’s mammoth annual event is in some measure an expression of pure revenge.

To understand that one must go back to the mid-eighties, when Trump and his then wife Ivana arrived in Palm Beach. It would only have been natural that the couple join the exclusive Bath and Tennis Club, which lies on the ocean just across South Ocean Boulevard from Mar-a-Lago. But when Ivana talked to the club’s president, James Oelsner, about applying for membership, Oelsner says he told her they best not bother. Her husband, he said, was so controversial that they would surely be blackballed. Trump says he didn’t join the B&T because the club restricted Jews and blacks, but the fact is he wasn’t wanted, and he knew it.

Trump obtained his vehicle for revenge against the Palm Beach establishment when, a decade later, he turned Mar-a-Lago into a club with a majority Jewish membership. He brought in world class entertainment and, for New Year’s Eve, put on a gloriously over-the-top event. Across the road, the ladies and gentlemen of the B&T had their parties too, but theirs had all the panache of a ladies tea. Many of the WASPS were rhythmically challenged, and as they shuffled across the dance floor, the exuberant sounds of rock ‘n roll wafted across the boulevard from Mar-a-Lago. It just wasn’t fair that many of these B&T evenings were sedately boring while not three hundred yards away, the island’s unwanted newcomers were having more fun.

We can only imagine that was his reaction as the countdown clock reached midnight on 12/31. I mean come on, one NYE you’re partying with mobsters, the next NYE, you’re eating cheeseburgers in bed yelling at the fake news media and tweeting about your haters and losers. Yes that did happen!

Whoa, hey, take your caps lock off, man! This is the new year we’re talking about here, no need to get angry! Well maybe he was mad when this story broke:

Three weeks after the 9/11 attacks, Vice President Dick Cheney was already trying to tie the horror to Iraq. He floated a bogus story that earlier in 2001, Mohammad Atta, ringleader of the terrorist attacks, had met in a Prague cafe with an Iraqi intelligence official.

Now another shadowy meeting in Prague that may or may not have taken place is in the news.

On Dec. 27, McClatchy DC—a reputable news outlet that broke the most important stories about the Iraq War—reported that cell phone tower records obtained by foreign intelligence sources place Michael Cohen (or at least his phone) in Prague in the late summer of 2016. The story says this information, as well as the fruits of electronic eavesdropping by an Eastern European intelligence agency that picked up discussion among Russians of Cohen’s presence in Prague, are now in the possession of the office of Special Counsel Robert Mueller.

If the McClatchy story is true, it has huge implications for Donald Trump's survival in the presidency. But that’s a major if; unlike many other scoops about the Mueller probe, no other outlet has been able to confirm McClatchy’s reporting. And the McClatchy reporters have made it clear that they have no corroborating evidence of their claims and that some of their sources are indirect at best.

I think it’s a little too late for that, Donny! And we’ll get to the 119th Congress in a minute. But really there is an actual conspiracy being involved here, and no, it doesn’t involve a super secret ring of underground elite pedophiles who are engaged in satanic human trafficking! Nope. I mean Trump really thinks he’s playing a Game of Thrones here. This is more like a Game Of Groans!

What's Trump doing with that Game Of Thrones poster? Does he even know what Game Of Thrones is? I can't imagine he has an HBO subscription. For a guy who doesn't read and wouldn't know pop culture references if they jumped up and bit him, Game Of Thrones is way too advanced for him! Maybe he should start with the Diary Of A Wimpy Kid series and work his way up! We’re going to build a wall along the North and make the Stormlands pay for it. It’s gonna be huge, believe me!

When President Trump tweeted out a meme of his envisioned steel-slat wall with the words, “THE WALL IS COMING” over the weekend, many fans of “Game of Thrones” accused the president of never actually watching the hit HBO series.

In the series, the enormous wall of ice protecting the Seven Kingdoms from encroaching wildlings is — spoiler alert — eventually destroyed, which is presumably not the end result Trump envisions along the southern border. But Trump’s allusion to the “Game of Thrones” wall is all the more curious for another reason.

The fictional “Game of Thrones” barrier is actually based on a real wall. In fact, it’s one of the most famous walls in ancient Western civilization — one that may hold a lesson for Trump. A massive wall, said historian David Frye, is nothing without an equally massive investment in upkeep and patrol. That fact is evident in the true story of Hadrian’s Wall, the inspiration behind the fictional frozen wall in “Game of Thrones.”

George R.R. Martin, the author of the book series, “A Song of Ice and Fire,” that inspired “Game of Thrones,” has previously revealed that he was standing atop Hadrian’s Wall in 1981, imagining himself as a second-century Roman soldier, when he had the idea for his wall.

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]CalExit
[br] [/font]

From: [link:https://www.democraticunderground.com/100210763459 } Idiots #5-2]

Jim P. from Colombus, OH says:

“Hey Top 10, why do conservatives hate California so much? I know you live there, but we cannot figure it out.”

Well, Jim, neither can we. And we especially can’t forget the time that they attempted to divide us into 3 states, which still would have backfired on them.

OK moving on. This is a comedy show, not a horror show. So where do we go next? If you haven’t noticed there is a war going on for the future of my home state of California, and no, it’s not a good thing, sir. So for those of you who don’t live in my great state, there’s a war on the liberalism of this state and a plan to split California into 3 states and while we have mainly just talked about it, this could become a reality in November.

Troublemaker Tim Draper’s latest proposal to split California into three states has some appeal for Northerners. At least it does for me.

That doesn’t mean it’s a smart idea. It’s impractical, a fantasy and doomed. But it does have an allure.

In November, Californians will have an opportunity to vote on whether to split the state in thirds because the venture capitalist’s initiative qualified for the ballot last week. So this is no longer just an idea for idle chit-chat. It’s potentially achievable, if highly remote.

Look, here’s one attraction for a Sacramentan: The new “Northern California” would be the second-wealthiest state in the nation, ranking only below Connecticut in terms of per capita personal income. The Legislative Analyst’s Office pegged it at $63,000, based on 2015 data, the latest available. For the entire state it was $54,000.

That wealth is because of the San Francisco Bay Area, especially Silicon Valley.

What it means is there’d be fewer people unemployed and on public assistance than in the other two new states: Los Angeles-dominated “California” and weirdly drawn “Southern California.” There’d be less northern tax money spent on the safety net and more for universities, transportation, parks and other lifestyle goodies.

We already did that one. But I guess it’s that new theater smell. Yeah we’re still working out the kinks of our new set. But anyway this whole plan to split California into 3 states is certifiably insane and its’s nothing more than a partisan power grab. I mean we’re dealing with people who would literally take candy from a baby, and they don’t need an excuse.

This November, Californians will head to the polls to vote on a peculiar ballot measure that asks, "Hey, how do you feel about splitting into three states?"

This is really happening.

A proposal to divide California into three states — Northern California, California, and Southern California — qualified this week to appear on the ballot in November's general election. It received over 458,000 valid signatures, more than the number required by state law to get on the ballot, thanks to an ambitious campaign called Cal 3 and financial backing from Silicon Valley tycoon Tim Draper, an early investor in Tesla and Skype.

If a majority of California voters who cast ballots agree to divvy up the state into three, the plan would then go onto the US Congress for approval.

There's bad news for anyone in support of this initiative: Even if the measure gathers enough support at the polls, it would still be incredibly difficult for California to pull off.

All states have a special process for amending their state constitution. In some states, two houses of congress need need to approve a ballot measure before residents get a chance to weigh in at the polls. California is an oddball. The state's initiative process lets a vote by the people pass a measure into law, without the blessing of the state legislatures.

If *ONLY* we could call it High Cal and Lo Cal, that would be hilarious. Of course most people don’t vote for comedy. But this guy is doing it because one, he’s a billionaire with a lot of money to blow. I mean why can’t these guys ever spend their money for good? Instead they have to spend it on some evil shit, and this is about as evil and stupid as it gets. It’s basically a giant “fuck you” to liberals.

A Silicon Valley billionaire has amassed enough signatures to have his proposal splitting California into three parts on the state’s ballot in November.

Venture Capitalist Timothy Draper filed more than 402,468 valid signatures in all of the state’s counties for his proposal, qualifying it for the general election ballot in November, California’s Secretary of State said on Tuesday. Draper had actually garnered 605,026 signatures; a random sampling found 76 percent were projected to be valid.

Under the proposal, which Draper submitted to the state Attorney General’s office last September, California would be split into: Northern California, which would consist of 40 counties; California, which would be composed of six counties, including Los Angeles; and Southern California, which would house the remaining 12 counties. If the state’s residents vote for the proposal, California’s legislature would have a year, beginning in January of 2019, to implement it.

“The citizens of the whole state would be better served by three smaller state governments while preserving the historical boundaries of the various counties, cities, and towns,” Draper wrote to the Attorney General’s office when explaining his proposal.

Excuse me a minute… yeah this guy will probably be the poster boy for why we have videos about why this is a bad idea in the future. But what does this mean? Why even have an initiative this batshit crazy on the ballot? Like we said some men just like to watch the world burn. And most of those men are republicans. But this is crazy, evil and stupid at the same time.

This November, Californians will head to the polls to vote on a peculiar ballot measure that asks, "Hey, how do you feel about splitting into three states?"

This is really happening.

A proposal to divide California into three states— Northern California, California, and Southern California — qualified last week to appear on the ballot in November's general election. It received over 458,000 valid signatures, more than the number required by state law to get on the ballot, thanks to an ambitious campaign called Cal 3 and financial backing from Silicon Valley tycoon Tim Draper, an early investor in Tesla and Skype.

If a majority of California voters who cast ballots agree to divvy up the state into three, the plan would then go onto the US Congress for approval.

There's bad news for anyone in support of this initiative: Even if the measure gathers enough support at the polls, it would still be incredibly difficult for California to pull off.

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Rush Limbaugh
[br] [/font]

From: Idiots #3-13

Rashan V.. from San Jose, California asks:

“What did Rush Limbaugh do to deserve the Presidential Medal Of Freedom?”

Well, Rashan, there’s no real reason why Trump does anything he does. But he does love awarding those who kiss his ass, even if they say terrible things like this.

You know in all the editions of the Top 10 so far I don’t think we’ve ever had Rush Limbaugh as a featured entry at all. But that’s about to change. Because this week, Rush Limbaugh proved he’s one of the biggest cowards on the planet. And also one of the stupidest idiots on the planet. I wonder if when Al Franken was writing his book “Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot” if he ever pictured the GOP’s Jabba The Hutt doing something like this?

Conservative icon, radio giant, and Palm Beach resident Rush Limbaugh suggested to his listeners today that the media and meteorologists are exaggerating the threat from Hurricane Irma. In a breathtakingly irresponsible monologue that literally could put lives at risk and directly contradicts virtually every government official and expert of all ideologies, Limbaugh said the attention on Irma is largely driven by political and business agendas:

...So there is a desire to advance this climate change agenda, and hurricanes are one of the fastest and best ways to do it. You can accomplish a lot just by creating fear and panic. You don’t need a hurricane to hit anywhere. All you need is to create the fear and panic accompanied by talk that climate change is causing hurricanes to become more frequent and bigger and more dangerous, and you create the panic, and it’s mission accomplished, agenda advanced.

Now, how do you do this? Well, any number of ways. Let’s take south Florida television, for example. There is symbiotic relationship between retailers and local media, and it’s related to money. It revolves around money. You have major, major industries and businesses which prosper during times of crisis and panic, such as a hurricane, which could destroy or greatly damage people’s homes, and it could interrupt the flow of water and electricity. So what happens?

Well, the TV stations begin reporting this and the panic begins to increase. And then people end up going to various stores to stock up on water and whatever they might need for home repairs and batteries and all this that they’re advised to get, and a vicious circle is created. You have these various retail outlets who spend a lot of advertising dollars with the local media.

Excuse me a minute… OK back to the subject at hand. OK so he claims that the hurricane Irma, one of the largest hurricanes in recorded history, is a liberal hoax. Uh… did you see some of the destruction coming out of St. Maarten?

SAN JUAN, P.R. — One of the most powerful Atlantic hurricanes ever recorded crescendoed over the Caribbean on Thursday, crumpling islands better known as beach paradises into half-habitable emergency zones and sideswiping Puerto Rico before churning north. It is expected to hit the Florida Keys and South Florida by Saturday night.

More than 60 percent of households in Puerto Rico were without power. On St. Martin, an official said 95 percent of the island was destroyed. The Haitian government called for all agencies, stores and banks to shut down as the storm hit. Prime Minister Gaston Browne of Antigua and Barbuda said that half of Barbuda had been left homeless.

Watching Hurricane Irma maraud across Barbuda and Anguilla, residents of Florida and others who found themselves on the wrong side of the forecast were hastening to get out of the way. Government officials in Florida, Georgia and South Carolina pleaded for people to evacuate vulnerable areas, triggering a scramble for the essentials — gasoline, water, sandbags — that, even for hurricane-hardened Floridians, was laced with dread and punctuated with dire warnings from every direction.

Yeah there’s nothing funny about that so we wont try to make anything funny out of it. But what we can make fun of is Limbaugh’s decision to skip town.

Rush Limbaugh will be evacuating South Florida, just days after the popular conservative radio host claimed that Hurricane Irma would not hit the United States and that scientists and the liberal media were hyping up the hurricane as proof of their global warming “lie.”

“So there is a desire to advance this climate change agenda, and hurricanes are one of the fastest and best ways to do it. You can accomplish a lot just by creating fear and panic. You don’t need a hurricane to hit anywhere,” Limbaugh said on his show Tuesday. “All you need is to create the fear and panic accompanied by talk that climate change is causing hurricanes to become more frequent and bigger and more dangerous, and you create the panic, and it’s mission accomplished, agenda advanced.”

Oh and did we mention how dangerous and reckless this was? No?

NBC meteorologist Al Roker clashed with Rush Limbaugh on Wednesday after the conservative radio host suggested warnings about Hurricane Irma were driven by political agendas around climate change.

The longtime "Today" personality took to Twitter to slam Limbaugh in two tweets while using a #ShameOnRush hashtag in a message to his 1.7 million followers.

"Do not listen to @rushlimbaugh when he says #Irma is not a dangerous #storm and is hype. He is putting people's lives at risk," wrote the 63-year-old Roker.

"To have @rushlimbaugh suggest the warnings about #Irma are #fake or about profit and to ignore them borders on criminal. #ShameOnRush," he wrote in subsequent tweet.

Read more: http://thehill.com/media/349502-al-roker-shames-limbaugh-for-dismissal-of-hurricane-irma-panic

To which of course crybaby Rush blabbed to the “mainstream media” (natch) that – gasp – the media lies!!! The horror!!!

Nationally syndicated radio host Rush Limbaugh slammed the media for what he called its "lies and misstatements" over his comments about there being "no reason to panic" in Florida over Hurricane Irma last week.

"I'm going through one of the greatest smears of my career," said Limbaugh to kick off his program on Monday. "This is all over the place that I told people there's no storm. That I told people you don't have to run away from Florida. You don't have to evacuate because I said the storm wasn't coming. I did not say that. I didn't say the storm is not big. I didn't say the storm was going somewhere else. (The media) did.

"There isn't a thing I said about this that anybody can prove that I was wrong about," the best-selling author added.

Limbaugh showed long-range forecasts from 7-10 days ago that showed some possible storm tracks putting Irma further out in the Atlantic before hitting South Carolina or North Carolina and not Florida.


[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Arthur Jones
[br] [/font]

From: Idiots #4-5

Sarah H. from Peoria, IL asks:

“Hey Top 10 I love your show. I’m about to put on one of my favorite movies, the Blues Brothers, and I remember – wasn’t there an actual Illinois Nazi running for office?”

Well thank you Sarah! We depend on viewers like you. And yes, you are right, there was an Illinois Nazi running for office!

“Illinois Nazis. I hate Illinois Nazis.” – Jake Blues

Well, where are the Blues Brothers when you need them? Because we’re going to introduce you to an actual Illinois Nazi. And when you guess what party he’s affiliated with, the answer will shock you. Or maybe not if you have been following this program for any length of time. This guy is a real gem too, and not only does he look like a bad rendering of Mr. Magoo, his ugliness will leave a bad taste in your mouth, because… whew.

Arthur Jones — an outspoken Holocaust denier, activist anti-Semite and white supremacist — is poised to become the Republican nominee for an Illinois congressional seat representing parts of Chicago and nearby suburbs.

“Well first of all, I’m running for Congress not the chancellor of Germany. All right. To me the Holocaust is what I said it is: It’s an international extortion racket,” Jones told the Chicago Sun-Times.

Indeed, Jones’ website for his latest congressional run includes a section titled “The ‘Holocaust Racket’” where he calls the genocide carried out by the German Nazi regime and collaborators in other nations “the biggest blackest lie in history.”

Jones, 70, a retired insurance agent who lives in suburban Lyons, has unsuccessfully run for elected offices in the Chicago area and Milwaukee since the 1970s.

Yeah sorry Jake, but this guy is definitely *NOT* on a mission from god. I’d say he’s more on a mission from Satan. He’s already got the Nazi trifecta – holocaust denier, white supremacist, and an activist anti-Semite. Can he go for the superfecta?

“Well, first of all, I’m running fo Congress not the chancellor of Germany,” Mr Jones said in an interview with the Chicago Sun-Times. “To me the Holocaust is what I said it is: It’s an international extortion racket,”

He went on to describe how he led the American Nazi Party and is currently head of the America First Committee. “Membership in this organisation is open to any white American citizen of European, non-Jewish descent,” he added.

Mr Jones had seven failed runs for the Republican 3rd Congressional District primary, but this time is running unopposed.

“The Illinois Republican Party and our country have no place for Nazis like Arthur Jones,” the Illinois Republican Party chair, Tim Schneider, said in a statement. ”We strongly oppose his racist views and his candidacy for any public office, including the 3rd Congressional District.”

Ding ding ding!!! We have the Superfecta! He said “America First”! Bravo, take a bow! And Mr. Schneider, before you go and condemn this guy, you should be aware that he’s currently running unopposed. Which makes him the perfect GOP target.

A former leader in the American Nazi Party is about to be the only Republican on the ticket for a congressional race in Illinois.

According to the Chicago Sun-Times, Arthur Jones, a Holocaust denier who has repeatedly tried ― and failed ― to attain office, is the only candidate seeking the GOP nod for the seat in the heavily Democratic 3rd Congressional District.

Images on Jones’ campaign website showed him speaking at KKK and neo-Nazi events, giving the Nazi salute and shredding the flag of Israel. He called the Confederate flag the symbol of “white pride,” “white resistance” and “white counterrevolution.” Jones also told the Sun-Times that the Holocaust was “an international extortion racket.”

Party leaders have disowned Jones.

“The Illinois Republican Party and our country have no place for Nazis like Arthur Jones,” Tim Schneider, chairman of the Illinois Republican Party, told the Sun-Times. “We strongly oppose his racist views and his candidacy for any public office, including the 3rd Congressional District.”

Oh and in case you’re wondering what a gem this guy is, there’s more! So much more! In fact in the above article, he’s apparently amused that he has detractors. I mean this guy really is a fucking Nazi!

Jones mocked the party’s attempts to stop him.

“Well, it’s absolutely the best opportunity in my entire political career,” he told the Chicago Tribune. “Every time I’ve run it’s been against a Republican who follows this politically correct nonsense. This time they screwed up.”

Yeah because that’s how good Nazis operate! They blame those for causing their own failures! And of course he’d attack the “politically correct” crowd! Those damn snowflakes! If this is too much for you, go back to your safe spaces! And that’s not all! Wait until you see who else he’s attacked!

And in his most recent blog post — dated Aug. 24 — Jones rails against “Radical Leftists” and blames them for starting racial violence that had roiled Charlottesville about two weeks earlier. Heather Heyer, 32, a protester at a white supremacist rally, died after a driver rammed a car into a crowd of demonstrators. A self-professed neo-Nazi has been charged with first-degree murder in the incident. Jones painted the death as an accident.

Despite his views, Jones is all but certain to become the GOP nominee in one of Illinois’s most prominent congressional districts — one that includes parts of Chicago and several suburbs to the west and southwest. Jones is running unopposed in the Republican primary; the deadline for candidates to file was in early December.

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Death By Cereal
[br] [/font]

From: Idiots #5-6

Brittany C. from Henderson, Nevada asks:

“Hey Top 10 remember when the worst thing that could kill you was our breakfast cereal?”

Yes we do, Brittany! Yes we do!

Kansas City, It is time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!

Breakfast cereals. They come in all shapes, colors and flavors. You love them as a kid and you probably also love them just as much as an adult. However, one brand in particular has been getting hit hard in the news lately because of a massive recall. In fact the recall is so massive that it’s hit a sizeable majority of the United States. And before anyone asks if your breakfast cereal could possibly kill you, we answer with “yeah, probably”.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is urging consumers to stay away from a popular Kellogg’s cereal that has been linked to a massive salmonella outbreak affecting 100 people in 33 states.

“Do not eat this cereal,” the CDC tweeted Thursday along with a photo of Honey Smacks cereal. The agency revealed that 27 more people from 19 states had been infected from the outbreak since the last update on June 14.

In a statement released Thursday, the agency said, “Do not eat any Kellogg’s Honey Smacks cereal, regardless of package size or best-by date. Check your home for it and throw it away, or return it to the place of purchase for a refund.”

According to CBS News, the Kellogg Co. announced in June that it was investigating the third-party manufacturer that produces the cereal after being contacted by the FDA and CDC about the salmonella outbreak. Kellogg's recalled the cereal on June 14.

At least 30 people were hospitalized due to the outbreak, the CDC said. No deaths have been reported. The agency said that illnesses that occurred after June 19 might not yet have been reported. On average, it takes two to four weeks between when a person becomes sick and when his or her illness is reported.

So that explains why you might get salmonella while eating Honey Smacks – they’re endorsed by what appears to be a frog on smack. And yes, we’re aware that Death By Cereal and Frogs On Smack recently played a double headlining show at the Troubadour. But of course like all things happening in 2018, this story gets weird.

A Utah couple says their 5-month-old son is the state’s only known person infected with salmonella in a nationwide outbreak tied to Kellogg’s Honey Smacks cereal and they’re struggling to comprehend how it happened.

When 5-month-old Andy Lyons contracted salmonella, his parents were left baffled.

“But then his salmonella matched the outbreak for the Kellogg’s recall,” mother Ashley Lyons said.

The link doctors found to the Honey Smacks outbreak may have answered one question, but raised several more in its place.

“Yeah, we still aren’t 100 percent sure how,” Ashley Lyons said.

Here’s the thing – maybe don’t feed your five year old Honey Smacks! Although that might be safer than a lot of children’s food on the market currently.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says a popular Kellogg’s cereal has been linked to a salmonella outbreak that has infected 100 people in 33 states.

The CDC announced Thursday that customers should avoid Honey Smacks, tweeting, “Do not eat this cereal.” The agency says it found salmonella in samples of Honey Smacks, which has been subject to a voluntary recall by Kellogg since mid-June.

It says that regardless of expiration date, the cereal should be thrown away or returned to a retailer for a refund.

The CDC says at least 30 of the people infected in the outbreak have been hospitalized. It says most people infected with salmonella develop a fever, cramps or diarrhea within 12 to 72 hours of being exposed to the bacteria.

Yes – do not eat that. Do not feed your kids that. Do not feed your pets that. Just stay away from the bad cereal. Apparently there is an entire website dedicated to food poisoning that you need to be made aware of as they keep track of this sort of thing.

The cereal was first recalled on June 14, 2018. Two UPC numbers of the product were recalled. The recalled product had “best if used by” dates of June 14, 2018 through June 14, 2018.

But several days later, the CDC told consumers to not eat any Honey Smacks cereal of any size package or any “best if used by” date. No explanation for this huge recall expansion was given.

Consumers have been advised to throw away any Kellogg’s Honey Smacks cereal, and to clean out containers if the cereal was decanted out of the original box. Even if some of the cereal was eaten and no one got sick, public health officials said discard it.

The cereal was first recalled on June 14, 2018. Two UPC numbers of the product were recalled. The recalled product had “best if used by” dates of June 14, 2018 through June 14, 2018.

But several days later, the CDC told consumers to not eat any Honey Smacks cereal of any size package or any “best if used by” date. No explanation for this huge recall expansion was given.

Consumers have been advised to throw away any Kellogg’s Honey Smacks cereal, and to clean out containers if the cereal was decanted out of the original box. Even if some of the cereal was eaten and no one got sick, public health officials said discard it.

Yes, that apparently might be healthier for you than a bowl of Honey Smacks currently is. That is it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font]

From: Idiots #5-21

Brad J. from Austin, TX writes:

“Hey Top 10, since everyone is holed up right now and taking suggestions of things to watch, is there anything we shouldn’t watch?”

Well, Brad, there’s one network you shouldn’t watch, and the Christian right has your answer!

Let’s spin the wheel shall we? And it lands on… oh hey it’s a clip without context!

Oh yeah because an extinction level event is just so damn funny isn’t it? Well… spin it again! Oh hey it’s time for Holy Shit! Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters of Phoenix, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you why the holiest among us are also the most full of:

My fair congregation! You know in my quest to understand supporters of the Dark One, whose name shall not be spoken in my church, I came upon a stark realization. And that is that they have a warped view of what is satanic or not. Because the man who they put on a pedestal as a shining example of GAWD himself is actually a DAYMON!!! And apparently there are organizations with views that one might call “satanic”.

End Times broadcaster Rick Wiles weighed in on the news that CNN’s Jim Acosta had his press credentials temporarily restored on Friday by declaring that CNN is part of a demonic effort to destroy freedom in America.

“CNN is consumed with the spirit of rebellion and sedition, which is witchcraft,” Wiles said on his “TruNews” program on Friday. “Let’s not make any mistake about identifying what this is.”

“And the source of witchcraft is the mouth of hell itself,” agreed co-host Doc Burkhart.

“This is a fight for survival and he has got to resist them,” Wiles added. “Mr. Trump needs to publicly state that he is calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ to defend him. That is my prayer, that is my hope, that I hear Donald J. Trump publicly say, ‘I am calling on the name of Jesus Christ to fight my battles. My enemies are too great and too big and only God can help me.'”

Trump is “not fighting flesh and blood,” Wiles warned, but rather “demonic powers.”

“If they win,” he continued, “there will be no freedom in this country, perhaps for centuries. That is what this fight is all about, the elimination of freedom. Because it is a thoroughly corrupt, evil, wicked regime. They kill babies. They promote homosexuality. They promote sorcery and witchcraft. They’re evil. They’re wicked. Their wickedness is beyond our comprehension. That’s what we’re up against and that’s what’s trying to destroy President Trump. And if they succeed, the rest of us are going to be devoured by them. That is a fact.”

No, Rick, that is not a fact, that is well, it’s whatever the opposite of a fact is! So apparently CNN is something that someone might call “Satanic”. But no! Let me show you what real SATANISM is, ladies and gentlemen! But yes these people really do think that CNN is the spawn of the devil himself!!!

Religious Right radio host E.W. Jackson said on his “The Awakening” program yesterday that he will not believe anything reported by CNN because founder Ted Turner has said negative things about Christianity.

Turner, who once called Christianity “a religion for losers,” has reportedly softened his view in recent years, but Jackson still refuses to trust anything that CNN reports because he believes that the network is in league with Satan.

“CNN was founded by a renowned, convinced, convicted atheist,” Jackson said. “That spirit, that anti-Christ anointing is still on that thing, which is why their lead anchor is how he is. I don’t need to go any further than that, but he’s a confused young man and it’s because that spirit of atheism and anti-God and anti-Christian mindset just permeates that thing. So they’re not going to get anything right because when you’re that off—see, I really believe this—when you’re off spiritually like that, it’s very hard to get anything else right.”

Likewise, Jackson went on to say that he would refuse to be operated on by a surgeon who is an atheist.

“I’m serious,” he said. “I don’t care how good he is supposed to be because I believe when you’re that off about the fundamental nature of life, I can’t trust you with anything else. That’s it. Sorry. I can’t trust you with anything else because, to me, you are in league with the spirit of Satan. Why would I want to entrust my life to you and give the devil a shot at me? No, thank you.”

The same principle applies to CNN, Jackson said. “When the root is poison, guess what? The fruit is poison.”

Yes, the DAYMON hellfire is everywhere and the scourge of the wrath of GAWD shall not go unnoticed, can I get an amen!!! For it says in our good book “judge not lest ye be judged”, does it not? And I can prove it, I have it right here. But that’s not real SATANISM. Nothing is, at least how they are describing it! Here’s some real Satanism at work!

A group of Satanists that sued Netflix for $50 million for allegedly copying the image of its goat-headed deity has "amicably settled" its lawsuit with the video streaming giant.

The Satanic Temple organization claimed Netflix and Warner Bros. had copied the image of Baphomet -- a winged, half-man, half-goat figure that has been worshiped by various occult groups -- in its program "The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina."

A reproduction of the figure appeared in four episodes of the show without the group's permission, the group claimed.

But the group's leader said the suit has now been settled, and that "the unique elements of the Satanic Temple's Baphomet statue" will be acknowledged in the credits of the show's episodes.

"The Satanic Temple is pleased to announce that the lawsuit it recently filed against Warner Bros. and Netflix has been amicably settled," Lucien Greaves wrote in a statement.

So the DEVIL is all around us, as you can clearly see! If not in our news networks then it’s in our network shows! I mean it’s all well and good but what does the Church Of Satan really think?

There are two prominent Satanic organizations, and only one of them has a problem with Netflix's Chilling Adventures of Sabrina.

The Satanic Temple filed a lawsuit against Netflix and Warner Bros. last week, alleging the statue of the Dark Lord in Sabrina's Academy of Unseen Arts infringes on the copyright of the organization's own statue of Baphomet. However, the Satanic Temple shouldn't be confused with the Church of Satan, which doesn't have a beef with the new Netflix series.

In a statement, the Church of Satan distanced itself from the Satanic Temple, which it says is known for "childish PR stunts" that "are not in anyway representative of the apolitical, individualistic and atheistic religion of Satanism."

The Church previously assessed FX's American Horror Story: Apocalypse and Sabrina, and noted, "Our members are watching these as many are horror fans and, as might be expected, some enjoy them and others find them not to their tastes—mileage varies amongst our folks who care enough to view it. We aren’t a collective, but a varied cabal of individuals, so to each his own!"

Yes, because apparently the devil works more among us than GAWD and JAYSUS do! Now in the Good Book does it not say that the dark one shall appear as creature of light? Yes, yes, it does I have it right here in front of me, sir! I mean even the church of SATAN says that DEMONIC forces are far more at work than an organization reporting on the news!

Satanic graffiti found in old bunkers is the work of "pranksters" rather than devil-worshippers, says an expert.

The symbols found in the warren of tunnels under Fort Austin in Plymouth are linked to Satanism, Church of Satan high priest Peter Gilmore said.

But he dismissed them as the work of teenagers "to upset the people who discover them" and said Satanists would have their "own home ritual spaces".

Police said the site was dangerous and the council pledged to block it up.

There you have it folks, the DEVIL may not be working in CNN but he is definitely working in our media and our graffiti! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Unpopular Opinions: Billie Eilish & Van Halen
[br] [/font]

From: Idiots #7-22

Leigh N. from Spokane, WA writes:

“Hey Top 10, I am from the younger generation. Why does the older generation hate it when we don’t know their taste in entertainment?”

Well, Leigh, let’s just ask Billie Eilish what she thinks about the subject.

Look people, stop freaking out about the fact that Billie Eilish doesn’t know who Van Halen is. Hell at this point I’m not even sure that Eddie Van Halen knows who Van Halen is. Hey I watched The Dirt! Yeah that’s what a lifetime of hookers and blow will get you. Watch any movie from the 80s, doesn’t matter if the references are from Ferris Bueller or Beetlejuice, you will find plenty of dead references that don’t apply to a society in 2019. Dead references are as old as time itself. Popular culture comes and goes. There's people being born today who will have no idea what the hell a Sears or a K-Mart are! The people who are freaking out about Billie Eilish not knowing who Van Halen is, are probably coming from the same parents who started freaking out when their kids didn’t know who Led Zeppelin was. But here’s the thing – Billie Eilish is 17! It’s OK for 17 year olds not to know 40 year old bands! Can we calm down and pull each other’s heads out of our collective asses please?

Is there anything more tedious than a music snob? Apparently not, given the rush to pile on 17-year-old Billie Eilish earlier this week, and all because she hadn’t heard of the rock band Van Halen.

The revelation took place on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, where the late-night host decided to quiz Eilish on whether she’d heard of artists such as Madonna (she had) and Van Halen (she hadn’t). Upon learning she was blithely unaware of the Seventies rockers, Kimmel’s reaction was one of horror, despair, and glee. “I’m gonna start crying,” he exclaimed, perhaps acknowledging that Eilish’s knowledge gap was actually highlighting his own age. “You’re making me look so dumb,” Eilish fretted in return.

While this was an innocent enough exchange that riffed on the age-old tradition of intergenerational repartee (“young people don’t know how easy they have it”, “old people don’t understand technology”, etc), the comments about Eilish online were harsher. There’s a particular type of person who relishes any opportunity to highlight the perceived ignorance of younger generations. Yet there’s absolutely no reason why Eilish, or anyone her age, should give a fleeting moment’s thought to a rock band who carry little to no weight in the 21st century. Why does she need to prove herself, when she’s become the biggest success story the music industry has seen in years? Clearly, she knows something these older critics don’t.

Besides, had Eilish told Kimmel she was a massive Van Halen fan, hardcore fans would likely have revolted, insisting there was no way she could be serious – she’s too young. There was a similar reaction when Justin Bieber was spotted wearing a Metallica T-shirt in 2015. He had no right to like them, hardcore fans decreed.

Shut up!!!! Take that article’s advice – there’s nothing worse than a snob! These are the same kinds of people who blame bands for being too political in 2019 when they’ve been political since the early 1990s! Like Anti-Flag or Pearl Jam, hey there was a time before Trump and social media existed. But you know what enough of my rambling let’s play the clip.

And here’s where there’s nothing worse than being a snob. I’m a Gen Xer, and I’m totally OK with all of this. But here’s where music snobs need to shut the hell up. People get old it happens. When the young generation doesn’t know the old generation’s music, it’s OK! Be lame and be proud of it! Until then shut up!

Today in “can we all please leave Billie Eilish TF alone,” the 17-year-old singer is being dragged by boomers for not knowing who the band Van Halen is. Which, no offense to Van Halen, but WHY DOES ANYONE EVEN CAAAAARE.

The moment in question went down on Jimmy Kimmel Live when Jimmy asked Billie to “name a Van Halen” and she responded, “Who?”

The audience was shook that Billie doesn’t know who the famous band is (again, she is only 17!), and Twitter wasted no time dragging her. But those tweets are lame, so here’s a couple from everyone mocking them instead:

Meanwhile, Wolf Van Halen chimed in, writing, “If you haven’t heard of @BillieEilish, go check her out. She’s cool. If you haven’t heard of @VanHalen, go check them out. They’re cool too. Music is supposed to bring us together, not divide us. Listen to what you want and don’t shame others for not knowing what you like.”

And Nine Inch Nails art director Rob Sheridan also chimed in, saying, “RE: This Billie Eilish/Van Halen thing, honestly, it’s extremely good that hair metal finally doesn’t matter anymore. We worked extremely hard to kill hair metal in the ’90s, thank you teens for giving it an unceremonious ‘okay, boomer.’ Imagine being a teen in the ’90s and people being shocked that you didn’t know or care about Perry Como. Because THAT’S HOW OLD VAN HALEN IS NOW.”

OK boomer. And yes thank you Rob Sheridan for saying what needed to be said on this subject! Hair metal is a dead genre! The days of doing gratuitous amounts of coke and blow off hookers’ stomachs is no longer a thing. Yeah if you want to relive your glory days then go listen to SiruisXM’s Hair Metal station and leave the rest of us alone! Shit, even Eddie Van Halen’s own son supports Ms. Eilish’s claims!

Don't shame people who don't know Van Halen.

That's the message straight from Eddie Van Halen's son.

Wolfgang Van Halen, who also plays bass in his dad's band, is taking up for current music phenom Billie Eilish.

Eilish, 17, caused a stir recently during an appearance on "Jimmy Kimmel Live."

Kimmel asked her to name some members of the famed band.

"Who?," she said. "No, who is that?"

"I'm gonna start crying," Kimmel joked.

The internet also had feelings.

Yeah seriously stop talking. Even Eddie Van Halen himself has defended Billie Eilish in saying that it’s totally OK – and as I’ve said dead references are dead references. Doesn’t matter the time or the place, and I’m sure your grandparents freaked out when you didn’t know who Dean Martin was. What? He’s the guy who sings “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie”. Nobody? Well, you’re not alone! I must say though I do love Smash Mouth’s response:

Billie Eilish has been defended by Van Halen after the singer acknowledged she hadn't heard of the popular 1980s rock band.

Jimmy Kimmel asked the "Bad Guy" singer on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" on November 22 whether she could name a member of Van Halen, to which a puzzled Eilish responded, "Who?"

On Twitter on Monday, the band's 28-year-old bassist, Wolfgang Van Halen, the son of the founding member Eddie, told fans to check out the 17-year-old singer.

"If you haven't heard of @billieeilish, go check her out. She's cool. If you haven't heard of @VanHalen, go check them out. They're cool too," he tweeted.

Wolfgang Van Halen also told people who had criticized Eilish after the Kimmel interview not to "shame others for not knowing what you like."

The '90s rock band Smash Mouth, popular for its songs "All Star" and "I'm a Believer," also defended Eilish, tweeting: "We grew up listening to #VanHalen and we're old as fck so why would @billieeilish know who they are? #NoDiss."

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]The XFL: How Is This Still A Thing?
[br] [/font]

From: Idiots #8-7

Greg H. from Syracuse, NY asks:

“Hey Top 10, you love to talk smack about the XFL, but what is going to happen to that, given everything that is going on?”

Well, Greg, the XFL may sadly, no longer still be a thing.

It’s time once again to ask:

This week – the XFL: How is this still a thing? Way back in 2018, Vince McMahon, the chairman and CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment, announced that he was bringing back his once-failed NFL rival, the XFL. And this time around it was going to have a more conservative, MAGA friendly approach after the Colin Kaepernick circular firing squad ensued. But let’s focus on one team first: The Los Angeles Wildcats who in their first week, got stomped. Which meant that for their home opener, nobody showed up. Yes, they have abysmal attendance ratings and a poor quarterback to blame for why the team is currently in last place.

It looks like the Los Angeles Chargers aren’t the only pro football team struggling to put butts in seats. Check out the scene before the XFL's Los Angeles Wildcats hosted the Dallas Renegades Sunday at Dignity Health Sports Park.

While those were images and video from before the game began, the scene wasn’t too much better at kickoff, with well over half of the seats at the small stadium still empty.

It’s not the first XFL game to feature a less-than-packed house, either. Early television ratings were strong, however, and one wonders if the rising ticket prices in Week 2 had something to do with the scene in Los Angeles.

Yes, the X is for Xtreme! So the Los Angeles Chargers and the LA Rams are struggling to get fans to attend games, but then come the Wildcats of the XFL and say “hold my beer”! Well, despite the extremely poor attendance, makes things even worse when the Wildcats fired their defensive coordinator literally after the first game. Guess you could say that things are going well for that particular team?

The XFL's Los Angeles Wildcats made a series of unusual moves Monday, two days after losing their first game in the league's inaugural season.

The Wildcats fired defensive coordinator Pepper Johnson in a decision that head coach Winston Moss called "difficult."

Meanwhile, linebacker and team captain Anthony Johnson tweeted that he is now a "free agent."

The Wildcats confirmed Pepper Johnson's firing in a statement from Moss.

"We recognize that there are issues we need to address for the 2020 season," Moss said. "While these decisions are difficult, we have given this significant thought. We are here to put the best possible product on the field for our fans. We thank Pepper for his contributions to the Wildcats and we are looking forward to our home opener this weekend."

You could say that the LA Wildcats are a dumpster fire of an organization, but that’s the least of this league’s problems. So what is the XFL and why do we need it? There’s plenty of professional and semi-professional leagues around the globe. But this one is gaining the most attention and it has very few teams and even fewer people willing to go see games, especially with its’ pro conservative, MAGA friendly bias. Seriously, even the patron saint of quarterbacks, Tim Tebow, turned down an invitation to the league.

Tim Tebow confirmed Sunday that he declined an invitation to play in the XFL to continue his pursuit of a Major League Baseball career.

“Yeah, there was some communication,” the former Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback at Florida and Mets farmhand told reporters with a chuckle as he reported to the team’s spring training camp in Port St. Lucie.

“For me, this is what I wanted to do, and pursue this and be all in,” said Tebow, 32, who will be entering his fourth season in professional baseball and has yet to reach the majors.

Tebow’s baseball career hasn’t offered much promise, He owns a career .223/.299/.338 slash line in three full minor-league seasons and hit just .163/.240/.255 in 77 games at the Triple-A level last season.

Had he joined the XFL, Tebow would have unquestionably been the league’s biggest star on notoriety alone. The league, which just completed its second week of play, is lacking in recognizable names.

Well so the league has very poor attendance and teams aren’t exactly getting off to what one would call a great start. In fact, things are going so poorly for the XFL in the first two weeks of games that the stand out star of the first week, Matt McGloin of the New York Guardians, slammed his coaches because well, they didn’t exactly know what they were doing.

The New York Guardians pulled off an upset win in Week 1, but facing what might be the best team in the XFL on the road in Week 2, Matt McGloin and the Guardians offense endured a nightmarish day at Audi Field in DC. The Defenders improved to 2-0 with a 27-0 shutout of the Guardians, and McGloin struggled mightily, with just 44 passing yards and 2 interceptions, good for a rating of 10.1.

McGloin had to do a live sideline interview after throwing his first pick of the day, and things got even more awkward during his halftime interview with ESPN’s Dianna Russini.

McGloin’s performance never improved, though, and he was eventually pulled for backup Marquise Williams after throwing a second interception. In a wild scene you’ll only see in the XFL, McGloin did a third live interview after being benched, and the QB didn’t hold back.

The XFL’s signature sideline interviews add a whole different dimension to the presentation of games – but they also give players an opportunity to potentially alienate coaches or teammates. The Guardians’ trip home to New York on Saturday is going to be a long one.

So calling the XFL a dumpster fire is definitely selling it short. Could it be improved? Yes. Are the between play interviews a good idea? Absolutely not. And are the games expected to improve and draw an audience anytime soon? Well that could happen because the XFL needs fans. Or it could not. But there is one thing you can expect for future games.

In the days since the Houston Roughnecks' XFL opener Saturday, wide receiver Kahlil Lewis has heard from a lot of people about what he did in the game.

No, it wasn't about any of his five catches for 45 yards, including a touchdown, or the 37-17 Roughnecks victory over the Los Angeles Wildcats. Instead, they were contacting him about something that happened in the first quarter.

Three plays into the game, Roughnecks quarterback P.J. Walker threw a 50-yard touchdown pass to wide receiver Cam Phillips. Lewis ran down the field to celebrate after chugging a whole bottle of Gatorade, and he was the first player to reach Phillips after he scored.

When Lewis was lining up for the 1-point conversion, he threw up.

So bad quarterbacks, poor attendance, in between play interviews, and on field vomit. That’s enough to make you ask – The XFL:

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font]

Hit it!

Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. Because even in the end times we still have our fair share of stupid people. What? My producer is telling us that it’s not the end times. Fuck! But I wanted to bring about this story. One of my favorite things is when people can’t do math. And last week, before the end of days, one of my favorite stories was of the fallout of Michael Bloomberg, who blew a whopping $500 million on his campaign. But here’s the thing – if you can’t do math, you should probably keep your mouth shut on the subject. Because it makes you look… well, it makes you look like a dumbass.

Mike Bloomberg spent over $500 million during his short-lived campaign to become the Democratic nominee for president. And while that's a lot of money, it's nowhere near enough to make every American a millionaire.

Two reporters claimed otherwise on MSNBC in a clip that has gone viral on Twitter. "It's an incredible way of putting it," New York Times Editorial Board Member Mara Gay tells MSNBC's Brian Williams in the clip. "It's true, it's disturbing, it does suggest, you know, what we're talking about here, that's there's too much money in politics."

The reporters were repeating a March 3 tweet from freelance journalist Mekita Rivas. "Bloomberg spent $500 million on ads," Rivas tweeted. "The U.S. population is 327 million. He could have given each American $1 million and still have money left over. I feel like a $1 million check would be life-changing for most people. Yet he wasted it all on ads and STILL LOST." Rivas has since set her Twitter account to private; her still viewable Twitter bio currently reads "I know, I'm bad at math."


At the time of publication, the Census Bureau estimates that there are 329,363,945 people living in the United States. If Bloomberg did divide his $500 million campaign budget between every American, each person would get less than $2.

Ooh man that felt good. But yeah nice try people. Next up, we got to talk about minor league baseball for a minute. Yeah it sucks that there’s no sports of any kind being played right now. But the thing with minor league teams is that they get into some absolutely ridiculous promotions. But maybe don’t promote your team with one of the most infamous double murders in American history. Yeah really don’t go there.

The Charleston RiverDogs, a minor-league baseball team in South Carolina and Class A affiliate of the New York Yankees, have removed an "OJ Trial Night" promotion that was slated for late May. The decision came in response to backlash the team received for announcing the promo, which was going to highlight both O.J. Simpson's 1995 murder trial and orange juice.

"After taking a step back and having further reflection on the overall message that was being conveyed, it was the responsible thing to do," team president Dave Echols told the Post and Courier.

The night, which was originally scheduled for May 26, was promoted as a "juicy spin" on the most famous trial of the 20th century. Based on the event description, that phrase was meant to be a pun with the joke being that fans would get asked questions about orange juice. This is how the evening was described:

The trial of the century gets a juicy new spin. We will finally receive the verdict that everyone has been waiting for … pulp or no pulp?.

Fans will act as our jury, voting with custom paddles to reach verdicts on various topics throughout the night. The eyes of the nation will be upon us. Fans will receive an "OJ Trial" shirt upon entering the stadium. If the shirt don't fit, you must … see if we have a different size.

Yeah no stop it! That’s the kind of thing we’re trying to avoid here. Next up – in a scene eerily reminiscent of Deadpool – a paraglider attempted to land and got sucked into power lines! I know that seems like a horror show doesn’t it? But we can happily file this one into the “People Are Dumb” file because the pilot was thankfully safe and nothing bad happened but still. I mean this is a scene straight from Deadpool 2.

A paraglider had to be rescued after he flew into power lines and became trapped in the wires for more than three hours.

The man become entangled in the power lines Wednesday afternoon while trying to land near the Yuba County Airport in Olivehurst, California, the Yuba County Sheriff's Department said in a news release.
Jimmy Comstock, who lives nearby, told CNN affiliate KTXL that he saw two paragliders in the sky before one separated and flew straight into the wires. "I seen two of them coming," Comstock said. "One went that way and the other come over the trees, dipped down in the road then tried to get out of the road and then hit the wires."

The Pacific Gas and Electric Company quickly turned off all the power in the area to prevent the glider from being electrocuted, while rescuers responded and began work to get him down.

"Our main focus was letting him know to stay in contact with the aircraft, not to try to reach out, touch us or move around as much so that the aircraft stayed still and wouldn't potentially fall," Olivehurst Fire Battalion Chief Randy York told CNN affiliate KTXL.
Officials said the pilot was conscious and communicating with first responders when paramedics transported him to the hospital to be evaluated.

Yeah so that is art come to life! Seriously! Next up – with all the health things in the news right now, it’s hard to sort fact from fiction. But one thing is for certain – maybe don’t use your ass as an orifice for inserting potatoes. Yeah that’s not exactly something that I would recommend, and I’m not a doctor. So even actual doctors are advising against this.

Doctors have issued a warning against putting frozen potatoes in your anus.

This comes as an increasing number of hemorrhoid sufferers have reportedly taken to the internet to seek alternative solutions to their problem instead of consulting doctors.

Now, it has emerged that an altogether unusual solution is being touted online: that inserting frozen potatoes into your anus for 30 minutes is the answer.

Per Wales Online, one article claims: "Here's what you need to do: Peel a raw potato and cut into thin slices, like you do it for French fries.

"Put the slices into the freezer and wait until they are frozen.

Finally this week – being sober is a very serious deal. And there’s plenty of ways to celebrate being sober if you are into that sort of thing. But one way *NOT* to celebrate your sober anniversary is to do something ridiculously stupid. Like I don’t know, buy a motorcycle if you don’t have a license for it. And that’s exactly what this guy did.

An Arizona man arrested for allegedly stealing a motorcycle from a Kawasaki dealership told police he was “celebrating 4 months of sobriety and decided he wanted” a chopper, according to court records.

Investigators say that Jackson Hanley, 29, was actually intoxicated when he walked into a Mesa dealership earlier this month and “grabbed a Kawasaki motorcycle and began pushing it down the street.”

Hanley, who rode his bicycle to Kelly’s Kawasaki, had his theft bid thwarted when a customer alerted an employee that a crime was in progress. Police were then summoned and Hanley was located about a mile away. “The defendant,” a cop noted, was found “resting on a fence with the bike slightly tipped over but still upright.”

Hanley, cops say, “admitted to stealing the motorcycle. He said he was celebrating 4 months of sobriety and decided he wanted a motorcycle.” Hanley reportedly said he was “going to walk it back home and try and start it there.”

That’s it this week for:

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Stupidest State 2020 Round 1 Week 1
[br] [/font]

16 states will enter and only one will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!

Welcome to the kick off of the 2020 Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State contest! It’s Round 1 Week 1 so that means that anything goes. And due to the Coronavirus outbreak, our teams tonight may or may not be playing in front of a live audience depending on whether or not the city of Denver approves it or not. Now that said, we have not one but two exciting matchups tonight! In the first corner, representing the Batshit Conference, we have the #1 seed Virginia playing the #2 seed Kentucky in a battle of heavyweight contenders! Not to be outdone, in the Family Values Conference, last years' champion Alabama is praying to god against #2 Oklahoma! The winner moves on to the next round and the loser goes home! We go live to the floor of the home of the hottest team in hockey, the Colorado Avalanche, for the first round action!

[font size="4"]Batshit Conference Semifinals: #1 Virginia Vs #2 Kentucky[/font]

[font size="4"]Virginia[/font]

Virginia may be for lovers, but that doesn’t help that the state is completely, totally batshit fucking crazy. It has voted overwhelmingly conservative in the last 4 years. It’s also the home of everyone’s favorite Christian diploma mill, Liberty University. And Liberty, as we previously reported in
Idiots #8-5, has a completely batshit insane plan orchestrated by Falwell to turn a percentage of Virginia’s precincts over to West Virginia that could completely remake the borders between the two states! And come on guys, at least have a better name for your plan than “Vexit”.

The leaders of the grassroots movement known as VEXIT today announced the next steps for Virginia counties to abandon the radical policies of Democrat Party leaders in Richmond by joining the free state of West Virginia.

The steps, announced by Rick Boyer, a Rustburg, Virginia attorney and the President of VEXIT, include a new effort to gather signatures on petitions to local governments, the distribution of key new information about the inability of the Virginia government to intercede in the process, and the appointment of Jerry Falwell, Jr., the President of Liberty University, as the Honorary Chairman of VEXIT.

VEXIT plans to increase its outreach to citizens to encourage them to demand a vote in their local county (or independent city) this fall to become a county in West Virginia. More information is found on VEXIT's website, https://vexit2020.com/.

"This movement can't be stopped by Richmond because Virginia's Constitution already gives local communities the right to do this," said Falwell.

Yeah no that’s a terrible idea. But what’s even more shocking is that this is having a reverse effect on the two states as West Virginia is now saying that they don’t want the Virginia counties! Man I have a feeling that Falwell fucked up (shocker) and that this could turn into a real life turf war. Yeah during this time that’s the absolute last thing we need!

A Virginia congressman said he thinks its better for counties from West Virginia to join the Commonwealth than the reverse as proposed in VEXIT.

VEXIT, a proposal made in January by Jerry Falwell, Jr. the son of televangelist Jerry Falwell, Sr. and president of Liberty University and West Virginia Gov. Jim Justice, calls for Virginia counties to secede the state in favor of joining West Virginia.

“I love West Virginia, I have family there. Our goal is to have West Virginia counties to secede to us. So, how about we work that way, right, first?” said U.S. Rep. Denver Riggleman (R-VA).

“I think as we get more people involved I think in politics, and people see that they want their freedom of liberty over government oppression, I think you’re going to see people say ‘Hey, you know what? We can bring Virginia back to where we need it to be. We don’t need to go somewhere else.”
U.S. Rep. Denver Riggleman (R-VA)

Falwell, during the media conference announcing VEXIT said, “We need a state government that is not elected by federal workers in the suburbs of Washington, D.C., that will protect our God-given rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness and I believe West Virginia will do just that.”

[font size="4"]Kentucky[/font]

The Bluegrass State is no stranger to being at the top of the Batshit Conference. After all, they are home to the two worst senators in the entire country – Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul. And thankfully things are starting to change for the better in the Bluegrass State, but we have a long way to go before it’s considered flipped. For one thing, while Andy Beshar is doing a good job of running things, there’s still the fallout from the Matt Bevin era, where we had one of the worst governors in the entire state.

When the Louisville Courier-Journal revealed earlier this month that former Kentucky governor Matt Bevin (R) had pardoned a slew of violent criminals during his final weeks in office, he cited his belief in second chances.

But on Thursday, Bevin offered a different explanation for one particularly controversial pardon: He said he didn’t believe that a 9-year-old girl was raped, because her hymen was intact.

“There was zero evidence,” Bevin told talk-radio host Terry Meiners of WHAS.

Already under fire for handing out pardons to relatives of his supporters, Bevin is now facing an onslaught of criticism from medical and forensic experts. Scientists have debunked the notion that inspecting an alleged victim’s hymen can prove whether they were sexually assaulted, and found that most survivors of child sexual abuse do not have any physical damage. George Nichols, an expert in evaluating child abuse who also served as Kentucky’s chief medical examiner for 20 years, told the Courier-Journal on Thursday that Bevin “clearly doesn’t know medicine and anatomy.”

Read more: https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2019/12/20/matt-bevin-micah-schoettle-child-rapist-hymen-intact-pardon/

Whew, that is a stunning level of creepy there isn’t it? And what is it with these anti-abortion creeps and hymans? I know that part of the female anatomy but still… creepy! OK moving on, you know the other thing that makes Kentucky weird? Guns. They have guns. And they have lots of guns. And they are not afraid to use them either. Or parade them around while attending rallies at the capital, because, guns.

Gun owners from around Kentucky showed up armed at the state’s Capitol building in Frankfort on Friday, rallying for gun rights and protesting a proposed “red flag” law and other potential gun limits in the state.

The group “We Are KY Gun Owners” organized the rally, the Louisville Courier-Journal reported, and the event featured speeches from Rep. Thomas Massie (R-KY) as well as Dick Heller, the plaintiff in the case over the Washington, D.C. gun ban, District of Columbia v. Heller, that the Supreme Court eventually decided in Heller’s favor.

Previous gun rallies at the state’s Capitol building exposed a gun-friendly loophole in the Capitol’s rules, the Courier-Journal observed: Umbrellas and sticks are banned, but not rifles.

The photographer Bryan Woolston was on-hand for the event. See his photos for Getty, below:

[font size="4"]And The Winner Is:[/font]

Wow, this was a close one. And tied at 94 with less than 5 seconds to go, Kentucky… misses the rebound!!! Virginia picks it up, and they score! It’s good! Final second – Virginia 96, Kentucky 94. Ouch, Kentucky put up a good fight but we will see you next year!

[font size="4"]Family Values Conference Semifinals: #1 Alabama Vs #2 Oklahoma [/font]

[font size="4"]Alabama[/font]

Alabama, you know them as the Yellowhammer State. You may Roll Tide when it comes to the Family Values of Alabama. They are of course the home of Jeff Sessions and failed Senate candidate and super creepy pedophile weirdo Roy Moore. But if you want to know how Alabama treats its’ family values, just consider that they’re the state full of compassionate conservatives and good ol’ boys. In fact they don’t take too kindly to strangers.

The Alabama Senate has passed a bill that would ban gender therapies such as prescription hormones or gender confirmation surgery for minors.

The legislation would make it a felony for medical providers to prescribe puberty-blockers or hormones to anyone under age 19, or perform gender confirmation surgery on them. It passed 22-3 and now heads to the House of Representatives.

The bill's sponsor is Trussville Republican Sen. Shay Shelnutt. Shelnutt said Thursday that children shouldn't be given “experimental” medications or procedures that could have permanent effects.

Mobile Democratic Sen. Vivian Davis Figures questioned whether lawmakers should restrict healthcare decisions made between parents and children.

Read more: https://www.apr.org/post/alabama-senate-oks-bill-banning-gender-treatment-minors

Apparently they don’t think of the children much in the Yellowhammer State. But where else does Alabama lay king to the crown of Family Values? Well just take a look at their police department. You know John Oliver did that piece on local sheriffs. But this is why you shouldn’t trust any state where the flag is a giant red X. Because you get shit like this.

The assistant police chief of a tiny Alabama town has apologized for a Facebook post in which he suggested U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi could be targeted with a roadside bomb.

Jeff Buckles, the assistant chief of the Geraldine police department, took to Facebook after Pelosi, the Democratic House leader, ripped apart a copy of President Donald Trump’s State of the Union speech on Tuesday night.

“Pelosi just ripped up his speach (sic),” Buckles wrote in the public post, which since appears to have been deleted or removed from public view. “Road Side bomb on her way home and any other Dumbocrats.”

He later apologized in a follow-up post for “venting on FB,” saying his remarks “definitely offended” some people.

Read more: https://www.al.com/news/2020/02/alabama-cop-posts-online-about-roadside-bomb-for-nancy-pelosi-other-dumbocrats.html

[font size="4"]Oklahoma[/font]

The Sooner State is no stranger to Family Values. They’re the home of another senator who is with the swamp, James Inhofe. And it’s also good to know that in this times of crisis and peril, Oklahoma knows what’s really at stake. No it’s not that millions could be infected by COVID-19. It’s that your abortion rights are at stake and the Christian right is moving to call “check mate” while the rest of the world is distracted, for you know, obvious reasons.

The Oklahoma Senate approved legislation Thursday to essentially prohibit abortions in Oklahoma after six weeks of pregnancy.

The Senate voted 36-8 for the bill, which now heads to the House for consideration.

The bill by Republican Sen. Paul Scott of Duncan would prohibit doctors from performing an abortion, beginning at six weeks of pregnancy, if a fetal heartbeat or brain waves are detected.

“Doctors take an oath to protect life, so this will also hold them accountable for that oath by taking away the licenses of any who violate this law,” Scott said in a statement.

And by the way, with hardcore family values comes some hardcore racism! So back in the early 1920s, Oklahoma was met with some race riots, which did not end well. And the incident had been not thought about in years, but with the recent HBO mini series Watchmen, there has been some interest resurging in finding out what actually happened. Well, it’s way more horrifying than you might think!

Results of subsurface scanning in search of unmarked burials from the 1921 Tulsa Race Massacre will be reported to the public at 5:30 p.m. Monday at Carver Middle School’s Tyrone Wilkerson Auditorium, 624 E. Oklahoma Place.

Scientists will present their findings to a public oversight committee, who will then contemplate further steps in the search. The meeting is open to the public.

Initiated by Mayor G.T. Bynum, the investigation centers on nearly century-old rumors that bodies from the 1921 event were disposed of secretly. The official death count, based on death certificates and National Guard reports, is 37, but authorities said at the time they could not confirm that all deaths were accounted for.

In October, scientists with Oklahoma Archeological Survey and the Medical Examiner’s Office conducted tests at Newblock Park and Oaklawn Cemetery. It is the results of these tests that will be discussed Monday.

[font size="4"]And The Winner Is:[/font]

Oh this is no contest, Alabama handily knocks off Oklahoma to advance to the next round. Final score - 84 - 69.

[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

Next week it’s Round 1 Week 2 and we are live in Austin, Texas at the home of the Texas Longhorns, the Frank C Irwin Center, for all the action! It’s a battle of Fiscal Irresponsibility heavyweights as the Volunteers in #3 Tennessee go for broke against the Cornhuskers in #4 Nebraska! Meanwhile, in the Gun Nut Conference, it’s a duel to the death as the Desert Warriors of #3 New Mexico take on the Show Me State in #4 Missouri! It’s getting exciting, folks!

[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Iggy Pop[/font]

My next guest is an absolutely legendary punk rock performer. In fact you can see him perform at Carnegie Hall in New York City on March 6th. Playing his song “James Bond” from his new album “Free”, give it up for the one, the only Iggy Pop!!!

Thank you for getting us through this incredibly difficult week! The full and proper Idiots you know and love will be back as soon as we can. See you next week!


Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: UCB Theater Franklin St,.
Special Thanks To: Improv Group
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: UCLA Choir Club, Westwood, CA
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Greta Van Fleet Appear Courtesy Of: Republic Records
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
New! Follow The Holy Church Of The Top 10 On Twitter: @churchoftop10
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com

Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

3 replies, 522 views

Reply to this thread

Back to top Alert abuse

Always highlight: 10 newest replies | Replies posted after I mark a forum
Replies to this discussion thread
Arrow 3 replies Author Time Post
Reply Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-10: Sorry Folks, Humanity Is Closed Edition (Original post)
Top 10 Idiots Mar 18 OP
underpants Mar 18 #1
Top 10 Idiots Mar 18 #2
malaise Mar 18 #3

Response to Top 10 Idiots (Original post)

Wed Mar 18, 2020, 05:26 PM

1. Great to see you back at it. Let me add this.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink

Response to underpants (Reply #1)

Wed Mar 18, 2020, 05:34 PM

2. I like it!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink

Response to Top 10 Idiots (Original post)

Wed Mar 18, 2020, 05:44 PM

3. Bookmarked for late night reading


Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink

Reply to this thread