I can't keep this a secret anymore.

[FourScore]

Last edited Tue Aug 28, 2012, 01:06 PM - Edit history (1)

On Edit: I want to point out that many DU'ers who have read this diary have expressed their sympathy and love to me. Their words are very kind, but should not be aimed at me since this is not my story. I have merely shared spgilbert's diary from DailyKos. (To the mods: DK allows diaries to be posted in their entirety on other sites.) Like many of you, this person's story broke my heart, and I felt it needed to be shared. If you wish to express your love and sympathy to the victim, you may continue to do so here. I have alerted spgilbert that I have shared his diary here on DU, and he will be able to read all of your posts. Just know that your kindness should be directed to him and not me. This is a wonderful community and I am certain your words will mean a lot to him. Thank you. Fourscore.

Mon Aug 27, 2012 at 06:21 PM PDT
I can't keep this a secret anymore.
by spgilbert

Let me preface this entire diary with stating that I am completely disgusted with Todd Akin, Paul Ryan, Rick Santorum and everyone else in the GOP who have decided to take it upon themselves to dictate when a woman has the right to choose what to do with her own body, especially after being assaulted.

Today’s story about Tom Smith, equating sex out of wedlock with rape, has only made it worse. As I was reading the user comments on HuffPo about it, I read the following:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/27/tom-smith-rape_n_1834234.html

‘Like way too many people in this world, someone I know and care deeply about has been raped.

And yet I suspect that her rape is the kind that conservatives would say wasn't "legitimate", or little more than a child being born out of wedlock.
You see, she was date raped at a conference we attended. By someone she knew.

Afterwards, I was the one who took her to the police and hospital, and I can tell you that I have never in my life seen such anguish in person. I was there when she had the "rape kit" test administered. I was there when she had explain to male police detective all the painful details. And I was there when we found out that the odds of successfully prosecuting an outstate resident for date rape were slim.

To this day, the memories of her cries still shake me to the core.

And anyone who could argue that women must somehow bear even more burden from the horrible crime already committed against them by forcing them to give birth to a rapist's child is something less than human.

Shame on you, Mr. Smith. And Mr Ryan. And on anyone else who shares this inhumane perspective and callous disregard for women.'

As I read the ‘By someone she knew’ sentence, tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn't stop crying.

Recently, I have seen and heard a lot of comments from women that had never told their stories of sexual abuse. Some were too ashamed; some were too afraid; some just couldn’t talk about it. I don’t know if it’s because of these neanderthal GOPers are bringing it out or if it’s the anonymity of the internet or what it is, but people seem to be speaking out more and more. Whatever it is, I keep hearing these stories, and I can’t help but think about how brave these people are.

So, today, I am going to tell you something that I have been holding inside for over twenty-five years and have only ever told one person in my life (and that person is my wife):

When I was a child, I was sexually assaulted. By someone I knew.

I was about 8 years old. My mother and father were going somewhere out of town and left me overnight with a man and a woman who were very trusted by them. Later in the evening, I was told that it was almost time for bed, but since we had been playing all day, I should probably take a bath first. After I had my clothes off and was getting into the water, the man came into the bathroom and told me that he would need to show me how to bathe properly. I didn’t know what to do, but I remember thinking how strange that was and starting to object, but he told me to be quiet. I was pretty small for my age, so I did what he said. I don’t want to go into any further detail, but at this point, I was subjected to things that no 8 year old boy (or girl or anybody)should ever have to go through. Then, he told me not to tell anybody and left the room. I finished my bath and went to bed, crying silently.

I tried to tell my parents, my teachers, my friends...but I just couldn't do it. I was too scared of what might happen or what they might think about me. For years, I thought I was the only person that this had ever happened to. And because of who this person was, I didn't think anybody would believe me.

From that point on, I had issues with staying overnight with anyone that was male. Where I was once on the honor roll and had straight A’s up to the third grade, I struggled to pass through the rest of my school career without failing. I began to have serious authority issues that still last to this day. I go through bouts of depression that can last for days and seriously considered suicide when I was in my teens. I have extreme temper issues that I still battle. I have self-esteem issues that I cover up with bluster and a smart ass attitude. I am still more comfortable around women than men. In fact, now that I’m writing this, I realize that may be how I picked most of my friends growing up: they were mostly children with single mothers.

So, for all of you Todd Akins and Pauls Ryans and Todd Smiths out there: the person inside me that I want to be says, 'just remember that when you’re deciding what is ‘legitimate’ rape and making your sloganeering generalizations, it is real, actual people that you are talking about. I hope no one close to you ever has to deal with anything like this.' The person inside that I really am says, 'fuck you, you horrible excuses for human beings.'

For all of you people that have shared your stories, I want to say thank you. With all of my heart, thank you for being so brave. Maybe my story will help somebody else out there that's too afraid to talk about it.

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/08/27/1124937/-I-can-t-keep-this-a-secret-anymore

[yellerpup]

1. Telling helps to heal.

I'm glad you shared this with us and I'm so sorry you were raped. Keep telling; it helps.

[chknltl]

25. A very important consideration.

I would not have thought about this key item to aid in healing had you not mentioned it.There are other areas it applys as well. Now that I am thinking about it, I will be speaking to a young lady friend who had a miscarriage last week.

Of her countless friends and family, only one person other than the father knew about the pregnancy. I am that friend, I will definitely be asking her how she is getting on now thanks to your post. Thanks.

[yellerpup]

44. Everyone appreciates kindness

and having the opportunity to be listened to. Let her talk, don't try to edit as you go even if she seems like she's losing it. She is lucky to have a friend willing to be there for her.

[LiberalEsto]

2. What you were forced to endure was terrible

My deepest sympathy.

[OregonBlue]

3. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It does haunt you for the rest of your life. Nothing anyone can

say will make it go away. Counseling helps but it's always there.

Men like Akins and Ryan will never understand. They are just evil.

[ann---]

4. It will heal....

eventually. Many of us, especially those old enough to live when no one even TALKED about this stuff, have scars from childhood. Some days you think it's all resolved and then one day something pops up suddenly in your mind and the fears and hatred come back to haunt you. That is why I HATE Republicans who would even SUGGEST that a woman keep a child conceived by rape - even by her husband's rape.. I hate them.

[tavalon]

5. I'm sorry about what hppend to you and you're very brave.

[olegramps]

6. When I think about the massive rape of children by Catholic priests, I want to throw up.

To think that I once trusted these bastards and especially the bishops that covered it up makes me cringe. Although I was never molested I have a very close relative that was. It has become a common story. He boy's father died and he was targeted by this all loving, concerned parish priest. It was only after many years that he revealed what had happen to him. His life long childhood friend was also assaulted by the same bastard and he committed suicide. I can't say that it was the cause, but it has been revealed that the suicide rate is higher among kids that had been molested. I left the church for number of reasons and when I see the local bishop in the press I want to vomit. I absolutely would never allow my children to be alone with any priest and actively resisted any attempt at their indoctrination. This was a cause of contention in my home since my wife and her family were staunch Catholics until I revealed to her about the abuse of member of my family.

[defacto7]

34. It's been a secretive Catholic way of life for hundreds of years.

Sometime, I would like to write something on this subject, but not now. I will say I empathize with you.

[Bette Noir]

38. It's not only Catholics.

My mom had trouble with a Seventh-Day Adventist minister, I with a Lutheran minister, and my daughter with a Unitarian minister. It's practically a family tradition.

[defacto7]

39. I know it's the fact for many...

I don't hold Catholics as the only perpetrator by a long shot, just the most organized and oldest in Christian ideology.

I'm sorry to hear about your unfortunate experiences.

[AnotherMcIntosh]

40. The hierarchy of the Catholic Church seems to have a proven history of protecting child rapists.

Can the same be said with respect to others?

[defacto7]

45. It's possible I'm sure

I have no evidence of such myself, but I would doubt that the Catholics are exclusive in that regard. Then again, I would hope they are the only ones who would do such a thing in a self protecting organized way under the guise of trust using eternity as a threat...

[AnotherMcIntosh]

46. Excuse me, but all I see is a false equivalency.

[defacto7]

48. it does seem ambiguous

I know of Catholic atrocities.

I don't state they are the only offenders, I just don't have other information to prove it's done in the same way by other organizations.

I know others who have had experiences with other groups that I do not have evidence for.

I respect those who share their experiences and I take them seriously. That is their experience though, not necessarily my own.

[geardaddy]

7. ...

Last edited Tue Aug 28, 2012, 12:39 PM - Edit history (1)

I can relate.
Thank you for sharing.

[11 Bravo]

8. I have been privileged to witness incredible bravery on a couple of occasions.

I will add your sharing of this post to the list.

[WheelWalker]

37. +1

Agreed.

[Care Acutely]

9. SO often it's assumed all sexual assult victims are female

I see victims of both genders every day I go to work.

To anyone this has happened to:

PLEASE go and seek counseling. Find a practitioner you are comfortable with and go do it. Every precious day spoiled by intrusive thoughts and rage that seems to come from nowhere is a day stolen from you by your attacker. Get in and get some help, so that you can take those days back. You deserve the chance to find some peace and unguarded happiness.

[Fire Walk With Me]

10. Shared pain is lessened.

Shared joy is increased. -Spider Robinson

((hugs))

[hamsterjill]

11. I wish you comfort and peace

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I sincerely hope that your sharing of this story here will be an impetus for you to get the help that you need and are entitled to have, in whatever form is best suited for you. I hope that, now, you will be able to begin real healing and that things in your life will grow calmer and better.

Personally, I believe that every time a survivor speaks up, it encourages somebody, somewhere - - - as I'm certain your story has. Thank you for being brave enough to share this.

[Tikki]

12. This is when I want to strangle some one or send some one to jail or both...

You are a kind, caring person to share knowing this may help someone else.




Tikki

[libodem]

13. So very sorry that happened to you

You are a survivor. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Your story is very personally touching to me. Thank you for the courage to share.

[proud patriot]

14. HUGS

<3

[Diclotican]

15. FourScore

FourScore

You have my deepest sympathy. I do not know how it is - and I would not even try to imagine how it is to be raped - or be with a person who have just been raped...

And I also think what Tod Akins, and the rest of the GOP have managed to stew out this couple of last weeks... I can not understand why someone who live in 2012, can claim the difference between a legitimate rape - and rape... A Rape is a Rape regardless of the circumstances for it... And the one who did it, should be arrested - if the evidence is there, prosecuted and put behind bars in a prison for a long time... Or at least as long as a woman, or others who have experienced fear have to live with the same fear of being raped - aka life if it was up to me..

The GOP have really going on the deep end of this cases... No one with a brain would vote for the Republicans this time around...

This is not even conservatives - they mare pure madness... I hope the republicans got wiped out, really wiped out this time around - at least 50 or 60 percent win for the Democratic Party.. And also a solid majority in both houses and in the Senate... Beat the crap out of the republican party - they dosen't deserve to have any power in the government... Or in the different States.

Diclotican

[Odin2005]

16. (((Big Hug)))

[ThatsMyBarack]

17. I feel like crying when I read your story.

When I was a kid, my parents worked late and/or went out of town often. IF something like that had happened to me under another "trusted adult's" care (I'm lucky it didn't), I'd never tell my parents for fear they would think it was my fault.

[JDPriestly]

18. Rape of a child is easier to corroborate with medical evidence than

rape of a grown woman. It is really sad that you did not tell your parents what happened to you.

Parents need to learn from this that they have to be careful about who takes care of their children and that they need to watch and listen to their children carefully for sudden, unexplained changes in personality. Sometimes children do not understand much less have the vocabulary to describe what has happened to them.

Unfortunately, it is just extremely difficult to prove many cases of date rape when the victim is an adult. It turns into "he said, she said."

It is a very sexist conclusion and as a woman, I find it unjust and abhorrent, but the fact is that even in these days of sexual liberation and equality, we women have to be extremely cautious about the men we associate with -- where we meet them, with whom we have a drink, how we interact. It isn't fair, but you have to protect yourself.

And we have to educate men.

My daughters took self-defense classes and classes that taught them how to deal with potential rapists. That is another thing we can do to prevent rape.

Don't bother to tell me how unfair and sexist I am being. You are right. I agree, but we have to live in our reality.

[SunSeeker]

19. I have an 8-year-old son.

Your story horrifies me. My son often goes over to friends' houses for sleepovers.

[malaise]

20. You have me in tears

[barbtries]

21. heartbreaking.

i hope sharing this story leads to greater healing.

[freshwest]

28. +1

[MsPithy]

22. You did nothing wrong! Absolutely nothing.

You found a way to survive, you are still here. That was strong and brave and smart. Sharing your story with us is strong and brave and smart and compassionate, it will help others.

Do you know what we call people who are strong and brave and smart and compassionate? We call them heroes. Thank you for finding a way to survive! Thank you for sharing your story. We need you.

We are in a war with people who use victims' silence as a cover for their evil, compassionless policies. It is so easy for them to say "rape victims," when the words are not connected to the facts of violence, intimidation, fear and life-long pain.

[Liberal_in_LA]

23. k&r

[lunatica]

24. spgilbert

I was sexually molested when I was 6. Thanks for speaking out. I've been speaking out for years, but didn't start until I was in my late 30s.

I'm 64 now and I have healed because I understood that I had been blaming myself as if I was at fault. One day I talked to that 6 year old child within me and realized I had been blaming a 6 year old all those years. I have never once felt ashamed or degraded since.

Every time we speak out about our experiences we save someone else the horrible feeling that they're the only one it ever happened to or that they are to blame. As you well know, no one should be left to go through the years of pain because no one told them that it happened to them.

[FourScore]

26. That is a beautiful, heart-felt post, lunatica.

Thank you for sharing it.

(((((((HUG)))))))

[calimary]

31. It IS a wonderful post. Remember - you were NOT at fault!!!

You did nothing to bring on that horrible assault! And it's a damn shame that the victims are somehow made to feel like a walking taboo. I think we ALL need to hear more of these stories, because it just adds to all the evidence. It adds to the awareness. It adds to the REALITY of this horrible, horrible crime! There are no excuses for this, and NO justifications or excuses for how it's somehow still a sacred thing because it involves sperm-meets-egg leading to a mass of differentiating cells. And there is NO WAY that a rapist, or molester, is in ANY way entitled to be a parent.

Thank you for sharing your story, FourScore. Thank you for your courage. And lunatica, thank you, too. This is an awful, awful thing and beyond imagining how painful it is. And these yowling, coldhearted, smug, imperious, holier-than-thou bastards can go straight to Hell if you ask me.

[FourScore]

35. My dear, dear calimary,

You must be the kindest person on the planet. I should point out, however, that this is not my story. It is from DailyKos. In fact, I have since edited the post to clear up any confusion around that.

I will say, the writer of the story is aware that I have posted his story here at DU and has been reading the feedback. He is deeply moved by what is being said. I apologize that you thought it was me, but just know that the actual victim has read your posts and truly appreciates them. He hopes to register here at DU later and respond to some of the feedback himself.

Thank you again, calimary, for your wonderful, kind words. I know they mean a lot.

[calimary]

41. I just can't believe we live in a world where somehow, somewhere, some fiends

are either justifying this, ignoring it, blaming, whatever it is they do to try NOT to see this kind of nightmare for what it really is. TOO MANY fiends out there keeping these misbegotten "feelings" alive and kicking.

Their side barks at us all the time, accusing us of "TYRANNY!!!!!!!" Guess they know of where they speak.

I'm glad to hear that the original writer is aware of our posts here. I know it's only our writings and our words, but I hope it helps add even just a tiny bit of healing to some horrible, life-shattering memories.

[chknltl]

27. knr

.




nothing more I can say that hasn't already been said. We often learn from each other here in the Big DU but sometimes .....sharing pain is even more important. This thread is proof of both.

[99 Percent Sure]

29. We. Are. Survivors.

All of the blame, the fault for our being victimized by twisted people who are physically stronger rests on us for a long while.

Blame and fault are placed on us by society, politicians, even, for a long time, law enforcement.

I was a college freshman in 1974 when I was raped by someone who was a fraternity brother and "friend" of the man I was dating. He lured me to his dorm room by invoking my friend's name, telling me that he wanted me to meet him there. Young, hick chick just up from 'Bama that I was, I didn't pay attention to my internal warning bell that something was amiss. Since my friend and I had hung out there numerous times, I rationalized it to be cool and entered a daytime nightmare.

I ended up hospitalized, broken from the trauma of all that occurred then and afterwards, and I regretted not getting the therapy offered me during my 10-day stay. I regretted not telling anyone immediately after it happened. I didn't even tell my friend; my attacker did that, and I was made to be the aggressor, the vixen.

Thirty-eight years later, I'm spiritually strong enough to not only have shed all the guilt, the blame, the fault, the shame but to talk about it openly. I no longer have low self-worth but not before suffering and being pharma treated for what a pathology psychologist diagnosed 20 years after the ordeal as chronic, acute and severe depression.

After treatment, I saw my attacker 25 years later, in 1999, when he'd become a successful defense attorney. Or rather, he saw me in a public venue and moved to approach me arms rising as if to embrace. I had not spoken to him since that terrible day, and didn't then. I gave him my "you know we don't talk" side-eye, and his face clouded with anger, rage whatever. He is now a sitting judge in a county criminal court. The irony doesn't escape me; however a lawyer friend recently told me that they walk a thin line between upholding the law and criminality.

By the mercy of God, I am finally free of the shame I carried around for years because he assaulted me. He's still an odious person but everyone reaps what they sow in this life, and my consolation is he now looks like the venomous snake that he was then.

I am a rape survivor. We. are. survivors. I'm glad to be one, and glad the dkos diarist and everyone else who have been sexually violated live another day to tell their survival stories.

[liberal_at_heart]

30. "it is real people that you are talking about"

I do think they have lost sight of the fact that they are talking about real people. I remember wanting to cry when I heard that they believe that gay women and illegal women didn't deserve to be protected by the Violence Against Women Act. All of their policies whether it is against the poor, women, gays, African-Americans, Hispanics, Muslims. They don't realize these are real people they are dealing with because they purposefully segregate themselves from these people so they don't have to see the reality. I am so sorry you went what you went through and I am so sorry the republicans are forcing victims of rape to be victimized all over again. It truly is sad that they can't see the humanity of these issues.

[fxmakeupguy]

32. You are a VERY brave man!

I applaud your sharing this. When these people talk of rape as if it's just some minor inconvenience it shows that NONE of them have obviously ever been a victim. That's changes things... Briefly, my father (who passed away relatively friendless and alone in 2001) went through a VERY similar situation at the same age, but he never told ANYONE. One night, after he became sober -- a brief, but wonderful year -- he confessed to ME that he was molested by a 14 year old neighbor boy. My father was also an honor student, smart, funny. Sadly, I never knew him that way because he changed forever at age 9. He lived his life belligerent, drunk, verbally abusive and sexually promiscuous -- with occasional glimpses of the man he SHOULD HAVE been: he NEVER hit or physically abused my sister and I in any way, he told us every night as we went to bed how much he loved us, and on rare occasions could really be an amazing human being. He broke the "cycle of abuse" as best he could by not becoming one himself. He was, however, plagued with demons, temper tantrums, alcoholism and much more.

Please know this, my friend: you are NOT alone and by the simple (read: horribly painful and heart-wrenching) act of sharing your story, you have opened more eyes and hearts than you will ever know. The fact that you DID tell someone and that it was your WIFE tells me how strong you are, even if you don't FEEL strong. My father never told my mother -- not in 22 years of marriage. Realize that by the "simple" act of telling your wife, you have ensured that you will not spend your final decades as MY father did -- ALONE: a virtual hermit, his only "friends" his drinking buddies (none who came to his funeral), angry, depressed and never fully accepting that THAT ONE SINGULAR EVENT had forever changed his life.

You, you dear man, may struggle with your anger and depression (as my Father's son -- I -- do as well) for none of us get out of this life un scarred. But YOU have ensured that -- because of your courageous act in making your story public -- that you have given hope to those who thought they had none and a voice to those too afraid to speak. There is a special place in heaven for people like you. I wish you a long and happy life, sir. I will remember your story and your bravery as long as I live. Thank you!!

[calimary]

42. Welcome to DU! Thanks for these superb and supportive comments.

Hopefully they'll help heal MANY injured souls.

[MrMickeysMom]

33. The majority of time when this happens... it's someone you know...

... and that's been found over and over again. My story was not like yours, but it was the same trusted person that did it to me.

Thinking of the things you (spgilbert) have wrestled with most of your life... perhaps you have thought you were cheated out of a normal youth... wanting to have back what you needed making up for all the trouble you've had ... to be the person inside of you that you wanted to be.

If what you shared has the effect I think it will, you will be WAY more than that person.

[defacto7]

36. Question for everyone....

How can we deal with this scourge of child molestation and at the same time, preserve the adult / child relationship and trust that are deeply important to healthy psychological development?

If we don't find a solution to this problem, and children and adults, men and boys in particular, grow up in a world of distrust and separation, I fear the circle of pain will get much worse in coming generations and we will see more horrible acts than we have ever seen before.

This is a time in human history when the terrible secrets can't be hidden anymore. This is good. But growing up with the kind of guidance and social support that can come from proper adult relationships is being undermined by the sickness of many which could be as disastrous in the long run as the atrocities now. Many boys will grow up to be the very intimidators and sociopaths that we fear.

I grew up with an adult friend who was like a grandfather to me. He taught me so many of the things that are the basic tools that make my life rich now. These are things my Dad was not the best at encouraging and could never have been able to show me... Astronomy, Language, Mathematics... I loved my Dad and he taught me many other things that made me what I am. But let me say... I was never, ever, trespassed physically or sexually by these wonderful men. They protected me and cared for me. I have strong feelings of honour to have known them and trusted them as as child.

I fear, the ravagers will rape more than just those who they can physically touch if they are allowed to destroy the good in relationships by a sinister proxy.

How can we protect... and let grow... at the same time?

[calimary]

43. Welcome to DU!

I think maybe we KEEP talking about it. KEEP the awareness turned up on high. Knowledge is power. It helps shine a light - and break through some very horrible darkness.