Weird episode of Sexual Harrassment in Walmart

[Aerows]

Last edited Sun Aug 26, 2012, 08:55 PM - Edit history (2)

I was in Wal-Mart - please go ahead and roast me, but there really aren't any other places here to get deli meat. I was getting my smoked honey turkey while my mother was getting her cinnamon buns. This man next to me mentions "I never imagined that Sunday would be the busiest day in here." I, of course, shop on Sundays and offered, "yes, it's always busy on Sundays. You work all week, Saturday is housecleaning day, then you shop on Sunday."

At that point this weirdo leaned in and adjusted the color on my shirt, and grazing both the necklace on my neck, and my neck. I have no idea how I refrained from visibly flinching. My mother arrived from the donut counter and took over, asking me to go look for a chicken for dinner. She knew the dude had creeped me out completely.

Why do creepy men get the idea that they can invade a woman's personal space like that? My mother saved me from this icky person by sending me for a chicken, and even she was appalled by his lack of respect for personal space. Right there at the deli counter.

EDIT: I updated the thread to reflect that it was Sexual Harassment to take the political element out of it, because it could probably happen to any woman, anywhere, regardless of political stripe.

[Aerows]

1. It truly creeped me out

and considering the Republican ideas about women, I was so glad to have my mother with me, and was scared all the way into the parking lot.

[Quantess]

2. Visibly flinching might have discouraged him, who knows.

Or a horrified facial expression. I was not there so I cannot say.
I go ahead and give people dirty looks at the grocery store when I feel they deserved it.

[Aerows]

3. I was completely appalled

I was at the Deli counter at 9 am and some man deems it necessary to invade my personal space to the point where he adjusts my collar, touches my neck, and has my mother hauling ass back from the doughnut department to rescue me.

[Quantess]

6. I wonder... could it be that you look young?

I get less crap from people now that I am in my 40s than when I was in my early 20s. A huge part of getting harrassed and disrespected is looking young. Some people have no respect and they think they can get away with doing shit like that. But I think also when you have been disrespected and pissed off too many times, like I have, you develop a sharper awareness of when it is about to happen, and become quicker at thwarting that kind of shit.

[Aerows]

9. I'm petite, feminine and blond

I am also approaching 40. Why does my looking young factor into it? And you think I haven't been disrespected enough to know when I have been disrespected, period?

I would like to think that I have a nice personality, and the fact that I am a blond, feminine lesbian does nothing to discourage being kind to people. Some turn out to be assholes. I was just shocked at the openness of someone being an asshole to me right there at the deli counter. Excuse me for speaking up about a man getting in my personal space right there in public like he could.

[Quantess]

11. I would really offended, too.

It was only a guess. I used to get a lot more shit when I was younger than I do now, so I was just projecting my own experiences.

[Aerows]

17. Well, I did feel creeped out

And I'm also sorry you endured such experiences. I guess I'm just 'special' since I seem to keep getting it.

[elehhhhna]

93. It's time you learn to say Get the fuck away from me. Forcefully.

Manners bedamnned.

[RKP5637]

4. That, is really really creepy! n/t

[Aerows]

37. It was creepy as hell

And I was scared in the parking lot.

[RKP5637]

38. Be careful when you go back, this guy might be lurking around that

store ... parking lot there, etc. I hate stuff like that.

[Brigid]

5. Strictly speaking,

This might be considered assault. Wonder if the deli counter has security cameras? Consider reporting the incident to store security; this creep might be making a habit of this.

[Aerows]

7. I hadn't thought of that

It was truly weird.

I will keep an eye out. If I see him again, I will do something. It was a really aggressive action toward someone he doesn't know.

[Zoeisright]

23. Yes, that is assault. Touching a person without their consent.

[Aerows]

28. It was where he touched, too

Just out of the blue, my neck. I would not have reacted badly to a tap of his shoulder to mine, or even a hand on my arm, but his fingers on my neck was ... well, creepy.

[obamanut2012]

49. It is assault and battery and unwanted sexual contact here

He would at least have been arrested and charged.

What a sociopathic creep. He knew what he was doing.

[Egalitariat]

8. What makes you sure he was right wing?

[Aerows]

10. Nothing

Just an assumption. What I am sure of was that he was creepy as hell.

[lunatica]

21. What happened to you used to be very common when I was a young woman

I'm 64 so you can guess that my experiences were pre-women's lib. What those of us who had to endure the constant sexual harassment learned to do was to push back.

One thing you could have done was take a very quick step back as soon as his hand came near you with a definite and loud, "NO!", or "Don't touch me!". In almost all cases this would have stopped any man from proceeding if you're in a public place, and it would have embarrassed them and gotten everyone's attention. He would have hightailed it out of there.

You could have simply lifted your arm and pushed his hand away and glared at him or said, "No!". Or "Get away from me!"

You have no reason to be nice or pleasant with anyone, especially a stranger touching you or your clothes in any way. Taking a step back so he can't touch you would usually be enough of a message.

Yeah, it's creepy but take it from us older women. It was not at all unusual in our day. As a matter of fact most women were blamed for being raped because men weren't considered strong enough to resist their sexual urges and women were just asking for it. Women coming forward and accusing the rapists is a very recent judicial phenomenon which is really only a few decades old. Your mother knew exactly what was happening. Ask her about her youth and her experiences. I'm sure she'll tell you some pretty harrowing tales.

[Aerows]

30. Thank you for this

My mother was madder than I was. She told me in the parking lot that she was ready to ask him if he would like to adjust her collar, and she would beat the hell out of him. My mother has always been so very brave and wonderful. She said that was exactly the thing she endured in the business world, and fought off.

I see that my mother is right. I was just so damn tired this morning, that I wasn't quite awake enough to see what was going on.

It's another reason why I love my mother and why she is the wisest woman I know. She isn't perfect, she hates that I'm gay, but she loves me, I know that much.

[Aerows]

89. I read this again, and got mad

Broad daylight, inside of a store at the damn deli counter at 9 am, and I was about as far as dressed like a hooker as you can get - more like ready to go to church or a restaurant.

I realize I have no reason to justify myself to you, but my mother, who is even older than you thought it was inappropriate, too, and read the look on my face to be horror.

Please come up with more excuses why a man can put his hands on my neck, just because I was being polite, and get back to me later.

[lunatica]

94. Wow!

What? Where did I say anything about how you were dressed? In what sentence did I insult you? Are you sure it's me you're responding to with such anger?

Did I even hint you had to justify anything about yourself?

Wow! Just wow! I was one of the few people on this thread who was actually trying to be supportive.

But don't worry, I won't bother you again.

[Scuba]

12. As soon as he touched you, you should have dialed 911.

[BanzaiBonnie]

60. I consider telling her what she SHOULD have done...

may not be helpful. It could be construed and feel to her like she's being blamed for what happened. I'm not saying that's what you were doing. I can almost hear your anger at the creepo for doing this and am guessing you're upset about this. But there is no way of knowing how one will react until an event and telling Aerows what she should have done ma add to the stress of the unwanted event.

When someone is assaulted, there are three possible ways of reacting, fight, flight or freeze. The decision is made in about a nanosecond. It's an unconscious response.

When assaulted, I froze. I carried a lot of guilt for not fighting or fleeing when I was abducted and held hostage by a meth addict many years ago. Until I learned that freezing is a normal response I kept blaming myself for what happened.

[Scuba]

73. Good comment. Perhaps I might have written "could have called 911".

[Aerows]

14. I was so tired this morning

it was 9 am, and lest that seem like a late morning, I was dressed and doing things. Yesterday, I replaced about 15 lightbulbs on a ladder, redid all the drivers and took out hardware from a computer, carried around said ladder for most of it, and it weighs about half of what I do, and then had a class to go to.

I apologize that I was so fucking tired at 9 am that I was well dressed, helping my mother shop that I was vulnerable at the deli counter and wasn't prepared to kick ass.

[seabeyond]

16. i know. and as i said, i am sorry that a creep felt he had the right to touch you.

you do not get the blame for a man thinking he had the right to step over the line. it is a culture we cultivate.

but... good for you kick ass everywhere else in your day, lol. me, not so much.

sorry....

so often, we hold it in, because we do not want to embarrass the man. he is not concerned causing you problems. but, we are not creeps, so we do not give the same. we need to not be concerned about a creeps feelings.

[Aerows]

19. I wasn't prepared to kick ass this morning

And it makes me sad. I wish I was strong enough to rail at everything, but this morning? I kind of was just stunned.

I can't promise to do less in my life and stop drinking less unsweetened, decaffeinated iced tea, the best beverage in the world. All I did here today was say what happened, and hope that I have sisters out there that will. I won't look less nice at 9 am in the grocery store, I won't quit being thankful that my mother bailed me out of some creep at the deli counter, and I'll still help change lightbulbs and air conditioner filters with a ladder for the elderly in MS. I'll still do my own thing.

I'm not really prepared to kick ass against people touching me in the deli. But I am prepared to keep helping those that need me here.

[seabeyond]

20. i will self delete. i thought we knew each other well enough, that you would see it was not

an attack. i am sorry i said it in a way that bothered you. not my intent. i tried to make that clear. sorry. will delete.

but, i am always on your side.

[Aerows]

22. Don't

I get what you were saying. The important part is that you also got what I was saying.

Those are the most important parts of any conversation - I understand, you understand. I may be a shade tired, but I am never lacking in patience for my friends.

[seabeyond]

24. to late....

[Aerows]

25. I never lack patience

when it comes to my friends.

[Aerows]

31. It didn't really bother me

I think it bothered others far more than it bothered me, because I knew where it came from - wanting me to protect myself, and love myself. I do, Seabeyond, but I am not born of a million sons and I am a rather petite woman that loves other women. So I have to fight as I fight. I don't fight with an army of men at my back, I fight with an army of a petite woman, sometimes.

[seabeyond]

33. lol. true that. no, the other poster doesnt give a shit, was just

given an opening for a jab. consistent and continual.

but.... there is that, being around brothers. it is just as women, we are raised to consider others. at a point, when a man feels entitled, we need to speak out and not allow him to get away with that shit. it is hard for all of us. it gets easier, lol, i assure you. grinnin.

and it feels a hell of a lot better, once thinking back, than not speaking out.

but, ya... i was raised with a house full of testosterone. i had no choice if i wanted to survive with self esteem in tact.

[msanthrope]

18. Out of line seabeyond. nt

[xfundy]

15. Do they sell hot pepper spray at Mal-Wart?

Last I heard from the GOPiggies, it's considered a food item.

[Butterbean]

26. That's disgusting, disconcerting, and creepy as hell.

Makes you wonder what he does when he's not in the middle of a well-lit, heavily populated store with security cameras. *shudder*

[Skittles]

27. where do they get the idea they can do it? YOU LET HIM DO IT!

I would have CLOCKED his fucking ass - he would think twice before doing it to another gal

[Aerows]

36. I'm not a married female

If I had a husband, clocking him would have been just fine.

[Skittles]

43. ? what does your marital status have to do with anything???

STAND UP FOR YOURSELF

[Kalidurga]

58. I am so sorry to see that people think it is ok to scold you...

I think it is uncalled for. I don't think you owe anyone an explanation. People maybe curious about the particulars of the aftermath or your reaction to this inappropriate behavior, but I think some of the responses are over the top. And I do think that there is a possibility that had you reacted by slapping him, you both could have been arrested. There is no telling how an officer would react to that situation. It may have been deemed mutual combat, we don't know and we can't. I am glad your mom rescued you.

[Aerows]

59. I am too

I'm damned as a woman if I do nothing, but legally I'd be damned if I did something.

[hootinholler]

29. The next time this happens

Apply your knee to his crotch, vigorously and immediately.

[Aerows]

35. I live in the South

He was a white man. I'd be arrested, then acquitted, but it would have been a stain on the family honor. It would have come out that I was gay, too. That is always a looming atrocity I have on my behalf - she's could be beautiful, smart, and talented, but by GOD she is GAY.

[hootinholler]

41. I know where you live

My step dad was one of the old white masons in your neighborhood.

That dick is not going to want it to be known he got dropped by a petite woman.

There would be no shame for your family there and absolutely no reason for your orientation to be a matter of discussion.

[Aerows]

69. I wish you would have been there, then, hoot

It was just me there, though.

[WinkyDink]

32. And you DIDN'T SLAP HIM because?!

[Aerows]

34. I didn't want to get arrested

This is the South. I'd get arrested for slapping a man, even though I am a petite white woman, because he was a white man.

[Chorophyll]

40. You'd get arrested for slapping a man who groped you?

I'm not saying the cops (or security or whatever) would be terrifically helpful to you, but I do hope they'd have a bigger problem with a groper than a gropee.

On edit: I'm sorry if I seem to be scolding you. You don't deserve that at all. Just please, if this ever happens again (God forbid) make some kind of stink about it. This is probably habitual behavior for this guy, and if he doesn't get in trouble, he'll escalate.

[obamanut2012]

50. He would have been arrested, not you

I live in a very, very red part of NC, and even my literal Teabagger neighbor would have taken your side in the Wal-Mart. Even the all-white small town cops here would have arrested his ass.

[Chorophyll]

39. That's not weird. That's damn near assault.

Who the hell touches a stranger in public, especially that intimately?

In case you're at all unsure: you would have been within your rights to point this guy out to security. (Not that Walmart security is any great shakes, but for fuck's sake!)

[Shankapotomus]

42. You think he could have

just appreciated the cordial exchange and then left you alone.

[cbdo2007]

45. It is a little weird but I think you're overreacting.

He didn't touch you in an inappropriate place, nor did he say or do anything to make you think he had inappropriate intentions. Sounds like you live in a small town?? It sounds like the kind of thing that would happen in a small town by a 40 y/o guy who still lives with his overbearing mom.

[REP]

48. Touching someone you don't know is VERY CREEPY

(and the general "you" - I'm not accusing the specific "you" of doing such a rude thing )

Whether the stranger has simple theft in mind or actual assault - no way of knowing. You don't know me, you do not fucking touch me.

[obamanut2012]

51. Unwanted contact is assault and battery

What he did to her is also unwanted sexual contact.

Please do not tell a woman she is "overreacting." That's how woman start thinking well... I'll let the guy in to make a phone call.... etc.

Living in a small town doesn't excuse one from being a creep and breaking the law.

[REP]

63. Touching strangers of either gender is rude and creepy, and men touching women

they don't know is, in addition to what you said, also threatening (it can be to men as well - but for many men, the strength vs strength playing field is much more level than it is for many women).

As usual, I could not agree more with you if I tried: living in a small, poor socialization, whatever - nothing excuses an adult from acting rudely (at best) and assaulting another (at worst). No one should excuse that behavior or chide someone for not tolerating it.

[Shankapotomus]

54. I have to disagree

For a man to touch a woman anywhere whom he doesn't know and without her permission is the physical equivalent of saying to her "I own you and I can do what I want with impunity." It's a leftover form of paternalism and deeply problematic. Yea, a lot of men are ignorant to its roots and innocently mimic the cultural pattern by default, but that doesn't change the meaning behind and oppressive origins of such actions.

[seabeyond]

55. you would be wrong. that simple. nt

[Aerows]

62. Touching my neck as a stranger

While "adjusting my collar" is NOT appropriate contact anywhere on the globe. Not in the US, not in Europe, and I think even Antarctica has issues with that, sir.

[REP]

65. "Adjusting your collar" isn't fucking acceptable anywhere either

That dipshit isn't your daddy and you're not a child. No adult woman (or small child) needs random strangers coming up and groping at their clothes. It's rude; it's creepy; it's intimidating and it's not excusable.

On edit: anger at random dipshit who thinks he can lay hands on you - not you

[Aerows]

68. Thank you!

I don't care if I was dressed like a pauper, it didn't give you rights to start touching me at the deli counter.

I haven't even defined how I was actually dressed, except that I was obviously wearing a nice shirt with a collar and most people already get that. Let's start the debates about whether I was dressed appropriately for the Baptist Church at 11 after I went shopping with my mom because she needs help carrying in the groceries.

[Aerows]

66. How would you feel if a man touched your neck

That was a complete stranger? You are out shopping for groceries. A man touches your neck.

[cbdo2007]

75. Just as I said, I would think it was weird for a few minutes and then I would go about my day.

I'd probably have forgotten about it by the time I got home.

Now if he had said something even remotely inappropriate to me, or if his hand lingered on my neck where it seemed like he was caressing or something, that would have been uncomfortable, or if he had followed me around for another 10 minutes and checked out at the same time as me I would be alarmed, but if it happened the way the incident was described in the OP.....it was weird but not alarming.

[Aerows]

90. He did, in fact lingeringly touch my neck

and he followed to the frozen food section, where my mother, was once again glaring and I came back with a chicken.

What the hell do you do in that situation? Mom chased him off.

[cbdo2007]

97. That's completely different than the impression you initially gave us....

that's the only reason I responded the way I did. You never mentioned above that he "lingeringly touched" your neck, you said he "grazed your neck and grazed your necklace". Also, you never mentioned that he followed you to a different section of the store, you made it sound like a singular incident that ended as quickly as it began.

I apologize for seeming flippant, I was just going the information provided and think you were right to be concerned. Now, the way you described it I would have definitely notified store security and probably left immediately.

[gollygee]

95. Seriously?

No one goes up to a total stranger and messes with their clothes and touches their neck. Horrible and harassment for sure. If it happened to a kid of mine I'd flip out. If it happened to me I'd hopefully slap them but sometimes you're so shocked you don't know what to do.

[MadrasT]

46. That is extraordinarily creepy.

I would like to think I would have told him off if I were in your place.

In reality, I would probably have been so stunned I wouldn't have known what to do. It's just so far out of bounds I wouldn't have been able to process it until it was too late.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

[Aerows]

70. That's where I was

It was so far out of bounds, that I was plainly stunned.

How do you react when someone takes such liberties with you, you are in public, and you are dead on your feet tired, to boot?

[REP]

47. Stuff like that triggers an immediate physical reaction from me

Doesn't matter that I'm short and have a lifetime of arthritis in my upper extremities; I've always reacted first. That shit gets a forearm block; any lower, and it's either foot stomp, balls-kneed or shin kicked (unless I have a lit cigarette; then I just put it out on the offending hand).

Yay for aging - happens a lot less. Still happens.

[KarenS]

52. Seriously, if anything like that happens again, please do not hold back,,,, react.

"Do not touch me" is an appropriate thing to say.

I'm not saying freak out ~ But say something,,,, set your boundaries.

Creepy icky inappropriate people deserve a scolding.

I'm sorry that happened to you, it can mess up an otherwise normal kind of day.

[derby378]

53. "Color" or "Collar?"

When I first read that post, I thought the creep had thrown up all over your shirt. Sorry.

[hfojvt]

81. finally somebody points that out

I thought maybe it was one of those mood shirts where you can adjust the color depending on your mood.

But still, how would he have adjusted it?

[Odin2005]

56. That SOB deserved a giant SLAP!

If I were near you I would have tackled the perv.

[Aerows]

91. He did

But I am not perfect, and he was rather large and he scared the hell out of me. Period. I do wish you were there to rip his ugly mustache off . it was red like a dead ferret on his sweating face.

I think that pretty much clarifies where I was coming from, Odin2005. Wish you were there.

[cherokeeprogressive]

57. I'm sorry this happened to you. It bums me out though that people are on your ass about it.

I think everyone with their "If it happened ME, I would have yada yada yada" should take that crap somewhere else.

You had a very unfamiliar and unsettling experience and you froze for a moment. It happens. It could happen to ANY of us.

Again, I'm sorry it happened to you, and all these idiots would do better by patting you on the back and saying "get 'im NEXT time, tiger" than playing the stupid "I'm a badass" game.

Get 'im NEXT time, Tiger. I bet you'll be more prepared than you were this morning.

[Aerows]

72. I froze today

I was tired as hell. I won't be tired as hell tomorrow, and I will not freeze .

[steve2470]

78. +1 nt

[eShirl]

61. You need to learn to block. With lightning reflexes.

A random stranger's hand should never make it far enough into your personal space to have a chance of adjusting your collar, let alone make any contact with your body.

[LeftyMom]

64. He got the idea that he could do that because you didn't elbow him in the face.

If you won't do it in your own defense do it for the next woman.

[lumberjack_jeff]

67. Once you say "stop doing that" it becomes harassment.

Prior to that point, it's not.

If Sandra Bullock adjusted my collar, I wouldn't care. If Ann Coulter tried, I would.

Ann doesn't know she isn't Sandra until I tell her.

[Aerows]

71. I'm a stranger

At the deli at 9am. I am the ugliest woman you have ever seen in your life, complete with mole hairs. On her nose, too. Not that it matters, but yes, this man was that fucking awful.

You don't get to make that decision for another person, whether you are attractive enough to put your hands on a stranger without permission. If you think that you do, you have a bunch of issues that make you far less attractive than you think you are.

[ismnotwasm]

83. Do you honestly believe that?

Or are you talking about these particular circumstances?

[Trailrider1951]

74. Wow that was creepy

That jerk probably had no idea he was so offensive. Maybe next time, you can visibly flinch, give him a wide-eyed stare, and state how dare he touch you without your permission, and if he does it again, you'll kick him in the balls. Then I think he would think twice about behaving like that, taking liberties with any random female.

[deaniac21]

76. This will probably give you PTSD.

I'd find out the guy's name and go after him with a lawyer.

[Xyzse]

77. That reminds me of the incident between Bush and Merkel

When GWB went behind Merkel and tried to massage her.

[redqueen]

79. I'm from the South too and I completely sympathize.

I react with panic and freeze almost every time. I automatically snap into 'nice and polite' mode. Not with other kinds of confrontations. Just that kind.

[Aerows]

86. Thanks for this

It freaked me out that I could be waiting on an order and get pretty much felt up. I didn't know what in the hell to do.

[ismnotwasm]

80. Ew

Creepy dude. I'm not sure what made him think he could touch you like that, but my guess he has serious issues, perhaps even a sexual offender past. My husband gets updates on sexual offenders in our neighborhood and they look like just anybody.

Anyway, be careful, as someone else stated this could be stalking. If you see that man again, keep track of the date, time and circumstances. If you see him more seems natural, call the police to make a report. I don't want to creep you out anymore than you are, but that's just gross and weird.

[RebelOne]

82. Maybe he just wanted to grab your necklace. Was it gold? n/t

[Aerows]

87. LOL, nice silver

I can't wear gold, allergic. My watch is titanium, though, and he didn't even notice it.

[Liber T. Anjustis]

84. Sounds like the guy has mental problems

People with autism and asperger's sometimes do things like that without realizing the harm.

[Aerows]

88. And if I have a touch of Asperger's Syndrome

Myself, did I not handle it well?

I don't go up and randomly paw strangers. It isn't right for people with any disease to randomly paw strangers.

[SheilaT]

85. It has nothing to do with where you shop.

It has nothing to do with your race or your level of attractiveness or your size, although being a small and reasonably attractive women somehow does make some men think they can treat you how ever they want. And it absolutely has nothing to do with your sexual orientation.

I would hope that if something like this ever happened to you again, or ever happened to any of us here, you (and we) would feel empowered to say as loudly as possible, "TAKE YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF ME!"

Females in our culture are trained to be passive from the day we are born. No matter what our eventual situation is as adults (in regards to things like our job, our socio-economic class, our personal lives in any way) we often find it very hard to be assertive.

This guy was a total creep, and I'm at least glad that your mother was around to help you out. She sounds like a fantastic mother.

[Aerows]

92. It scared me

and I hate to say that, because I would like to believe I can handle anything.

I guess I can't, and my mother is fantastic and there isn't a day that goes by that I am not thankful for her. She isn't thrilled that I am a lesbian, but she still loves me, and I love her for that.

[marions ghost]

96. Start yelling and making a scene

...don't slap or touch the guy. Just start yelling loud enough for bystanders to look and store personnel to hear you.

"What the ____ do you think you are doing?"

"Somebody get Security" is also good.

This will make this type of creep slink away....and try to exit the store before Security shows up.