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Wed Apr 3, 2019, 05:00 PM

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #6-13: Donald Trump Live In Grand Rapids Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #6-13: Donald Trump Live In Grand Rapids Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Be sure to sign up for the new Top 10 newsletter to get Idiots delivered straight to your inbox! We are back everybody! What’s up DC? Are you guys doing good? It’s always great to be back here in the Capital! Nobody parties quite like DC does and you guys have lots of awesome drunk food. I mean who wouldn’t want a Ben’s Chili Dog? I know I could go for one right about now! Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do, it’s my fucking show! So Nicholas Cage is a weird dude. Really, sir? You could have guessed that? So you know that he literally flew to Vegas to get married and then divorced. But that’s not the craziest thing that he’s done. There’s a new article in the Sun that details all kinds of strange things that man is up to. Like did you know that he eats animals according to their mating habits? Or that he’s already made arrangements to be buried under a huge pyramid in New Orleans when he dies? Or that his bride to be was going to be the recipient of all of his money? Yes, all. Well maybe it might have to do with the fact that he and his wife ate mushrooms, but he ate mushrooms like they were M&Ms. Yes, those kinds of mushrooms. Oh and it gets weirder, because of course it would! He also once had otters as witness for his first wedding and owned a house in New Orleans that he claimed was the “most haunted ever”. Whew. Nicholas Cage, keep doing what you are doing. OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and he delves into the mad house that is the WWE:

Where do we begin this week? Well the number one slot this week is the guy who we currently still call president and that’s Donald Trump (1). So will he or won’t he close the border in Mexico? And what kind of effect will it have on the economy? Well, he seems bound and determined to do this, and it’s going to cost a lot, but doesn’t matter because, Fox News points. In the second slot, is also Donald J. Trump (2) and he went to Michigan last week, and his rally, whew, there was a lot to unpack and it’s all insane. For the third slot this week, we have to talk about Stormy Daniels’ lawyer, Michael Avenatti (3) and his unbelievably bizarre scandal involving other celebrity lawyers and the Nike shoe company. In the fourth slot this week, we’re going to do something a bit different. Have people just flat out had an ass full of the news (4)? We’ll talk about developing trends in the TV world as more and more people are chucking their network news for good. For the 5th slot this week is Gun Nut Conspiracy Theorists (5). And yeah they got a lot of explaining to do, especially after the NRA got caught conspiracy theory shopping, but it is fun to see Alex Jones on the decline! Yes, it’s evil and shocking. In the number 6 slot this week, is our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates, and the Jim Jefferies Show exposed the rising tide of hate in the Land Down Under so we will find out what that’s like. At number 7 is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, and this week our resident pastor is going to take a look at a couple of university scandals including Notre Dame dress code violations and Liberty University’s contracts with the Pentagon. Yes, they’re real. Taking the number 8 slot this week, we’ve got a brand new “Beating A Dead Horse”, so conservatives are upset that their favorite fast food isn’t getting invited to the table at the airport food court! I mean come on, it’s the fucking airport food court! Really, people. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week, we’ve got a new installment of “I Need A Drink” and this week, we’re going to talk about one of the stupider debates to hit the internet lately. I mean really, St. Louis, what are you smoking when it comes to bagels? We are going to get schvitzed and talk about the right way to slice your bagels and eat them. And finally this week, it’s the end of Round 1 of our quest to find the Stupidest State 2019! It’s Round 1 Week 4 (10) and this week we’re live in Eugene, Oregon and it’s a battle of the Batshit as Georgia takes on Texas to play Kentucky in the Batshit Conference Championship, while Alabama thumps the Bible against Oklahoma for the Family Values Crown! Plus we have some live music from AFI! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font]

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before! The president of the United States goes to the border and well, makes a total ass of himself! There’s really no punchline there, because this administration has done some extremely horrible things to immigrants, and this week could prove to be one of the most evil things they have done yet. It’s no mistake that Trump’s favorite news network of choice, Fox News, has raised hysteria about immigrants way past 11. And Trump of course, only cares about his approval rating among Fox News fans. So you put two and two together. What’s he got planned? Well…

President Donald Trump is thrusting his hard-line posture on immigration back to the fore this week, with plans for a Friday trip to the southern border and possible new executive actions to restrict border crossings.

But days after Trump renewed his long-standing threat to shut down the southern border entirely, even administration officials and congressional Republicans were bewildered and guessing at his next move on a defining issue of his presidency.

And some Hill Republicans warned that any dramatic disruption to regular traffic across the U.S.-Mexico border could bring Trump into a new confrontation with his own party, whose leaders warn that closing parts or all of the border would wreak economic havoc.

On Monday, the Department of Homeland Security announced plans to require that greater numbers of non-Mexican asylum-seekers stay in Mexico while they wait for their cases to be resolved and to speed up the reassignment of 750 customs officers to process arriving migrants.

Meanwhile, the Trump administration is considering closing some of the lanes at ports of entry or preventing certain types of vehicles or people from crossing the border as he tries to force Mexico to increase its enforcement, three outside advisers told POLITICO.

Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! And in case you’re wondering what kind of effect this is going to have on the economy well, it’s going to be extremely horrible. In fact everyone is against it except for of course Trump and people who watch Fox News. But then again if you try to promote these things called “facts”, keep in mind that this is the Trump administration, facts don’t matter anymore!

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Tuesday questioned who is “poisoning” President Donald Trump’s mind when it comes to immigration policy, calling his recent threat to shut down the U.S.-Mexico border and his move to cut off aid to Northern Triangle countries in Central America “one of his worst ideas."

“Stiff competition, mind you, this is one of his worst ideas,” Pelosi (D-Calif.) said of Trump’s decision to end the assistance funding to Guatemala, Honduras, and El Salvador. “It could cover so much territory that it’s hard to say worst. This is not a good idea.”

Pelosi, speaking at a POLITICO Playbook interview, argued that cutting off the funding, which is aimed at creating stability in the so-called Northern Triangle nations, was counter-productive to stemming the surge of asylum-seeking migrants from those countries showing up at the U.S.-Mexico border.

She also pushed back on the White House’s insistence that shutting down the border would force Mexico to compromise on border operations, wondering aloud where the president was getting his ideas from and saying she didn’t think “advising” was the appropriate term to use.

That is a good question! How can Trump be so evil? Because he doesn’t give a shit about how evil he really is, that’s why! This by the way, could be the most alarming detail about the forthcoming border shutdown that might alarm some people, especially if you love avocados like I do. But the GOP will probably find some way to trash avocados because, liberal tears.

A shutdown of the U.S.-Mexico border could trigger an avocado crisis, according to the world's largest grower of the green fruit.

Steve Barnard, the CEO of Mission Produce, told Reuters that if the border is shut down, the U.S. would run out of avocados in about three weeks.

He said Mexico supplies nearly all of our avocados this time of year.

Forbes points out that you may still be able find the green fruit in stores. We also get avocados from Florida and Peru, and the California crop is just starting to show up in stores and will pick up over the summer.

Last Friday, President Donald Trump declared he is likely to shut down America's southern border unless Mexican authorities immediately halt "illegal immigration."

Well that’s obvious! And come on, what did avocados ever do to you, Trump? They’re delicious and you can use them in an infinite number of ways from guacamole to avocado toast. I mean even Pearl Jam had an avocado as the cover of their 2006 album “Pearl Jam”! Maybe because Eddie Vedder really loves avocados? But there’s another casualty of the border shutdown that could have even further lasting effects of the economy. Where’s Knight Rider when you need him?

Frustrated by the large number of Central Americans who've been crossing the border from Mexico, President Trump has threatened to take dramatic action.

"If they don't stop 'em, we're closing the border," Trump warned Friday. "They'll close it. And we'll keep it closed for a long time."

This is not the first time Trump has sounded that warning. And so far he has not followed through.

Halting cross-border traffic with one of the nation's biggest trading partners could do serious damage to the U.S. economy, including industries located far from Mexico.

Retailers in San Diego got a small taste of that last November, when members of a migrant caravan charged the border and U.S. officials closed one border crossing in response. While that shutdown lasted only a few hours, it came on what should have been one of the busiest shopping days of the year. And the fallout was severe, costing local merchants an estimated $5.3 million in lost sales.

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font]

Whew, the guy who we currently call president, Donald J. Trump has had quite the week and it seems it’s only going to get worse from here. He went on a self-congratulatory tour in Grand Rapids last week and it was the stuff of insanity. You know what? Let’s play the clip!

You can hear this and so much more on his new stand up album "Donald Trump Live From Grand Rapids!". Now available from Amazon and iTunes for the low price of $9.99! Order now and Mexico will pay for it! Thank you audience! So, to quote The Big Lebowski, what in god’s holy name is he blathering about this week?

U.S. President Donald Trump mocked renewable energy at yesterday's campaign rally in Michigan.

Implicating Hillary Clinton as part of Big Wind, Trump said, "If Hillary got in...you'd be doing wind. Windmills. Wheeeee. And if it doesn't blow, you can forget about television for that night. 'Darling, I want to watch television.' 'I'm sorry! The wind isn't blowing.'"

"I know a lot about wind," said the president. (Transcript here.)

Last month, Trump took time out of his oratory at the conservative CPAC event to work the same trope.

After suggesting that the proposed Green New Deal from the Democrats would result in “no planes” and “no energy,” the president said: “When the wind stops blowing, that’s the end of your electric.”

Well, maybe he knows a lot about wind because he’s full of hot air? Thank you! I mean just when you think it couldn’t be any crazier. Trump lies like it’s a bodily function. They’re actually like fine wines - his lies have their own body and flavor, and they really age to accentuate the fine character of each one. And by the way in case you’re wondering if he knows a lot about wind, the short answer is easy – no, he doesn’t.

President Donald Trump has repeatedly mocked wind energy this week for reasons that are dismissed by "frequently asked questions" guidance published by the Department of Energy.

On Wednesday Trump told Fox News' Sean Hannity that wind energy was unreliable because the wind "only blows sometimes." He repeated a similar criticism at a Thursday night rally in Michigan, suggesting that users would experience power outages when the wind doesn't blow.

"If it doesn't blow, you can forget about television for that night," Trump said in Michigan, adding, "I know a lot about wind."

However, the Department of Energy's Office of Energy Efficiency & Renewable Energy says that the power grid is capable of handling the variation that comes with wind energy.

In response to the frequently asked question, "What happens to the electricity supply when the wind isn't blowing?" the agency cites studies that say the power grid can handle a large amount of "variable renewable power without sacrificing reliability."

Actually, he is wrong about that one! Very wrong. The wrongest! No one is more wrong than he is, folks, and it’s going to be huge, believe me! And if you thought that was crazy, wait until you see what else he said about the Great Lakes. They have record deepness! You really can’t make this stuff up. I mean if Trump claims he’s smarter than us, would he use phrases like “record deepness”? Well, he is in a record deepness of depravity right now.

President Trump said the Great Lakes have “record deepness” during an unusual moment in his boisterous rally Thursday night in Grand Rapids, Mich.

Trump often likes to use hyperbole to describe the places he visits, and in this case it led him to make a statement in the Great Lakes State that left some people scratching their heads.

"I support the Great Lakes. Always have," Trump said during his speech. "They're beautiful. They're big. Very deep. Record deepness.”

While the Great Lakes are big and many would describe them as beautiful, they are not among the deepest lakes in the United States, let alone the world.

The deepest lake in the country is Crater Lake, a volcanic crater in southern Oregon with the deepest measured depth of 1,949 feet, according to Geology.com.

Really, he’s getting crazier and crazier. He knows a lot about wind? The Great Lakes have record deepness? And he thinks he’s smarter than us? I mean only President Stable Genius himself could go there and then he still is about as crazy as you would expect. And it’s only April. Can November 2020 please get here soon? Please???

Thanks to his rally in Grand Rapids, Michigan last week, we can confidently say that President Donald Trump is aware the Great Lakes exist.

We can’t say much more than that.

“I support the Great Lakes,” he told the assembled crowd. “Always have.” He glanced off to the side, pausing. “They’re beautiful,” he continued. Pause. “They’re big. Very deep. Record deepness, right?”

As a matter of fact, the deepest lake in the world is Lake Baikal in Russia, as Vox pointed out, and the deepest lakes in the United States are Crater Lake in Oregon and Lake Tahoe in California.

But that’s not even the most egregious falsehood from Trump. The reason he was talking about them was because he had some “breaking news” he didn’t think the crowd could “handle.”

“I am going to get, in honor of my friends, full funding of $300 million for the Great Lakes Restoration Initiative, which you have been trying to get for over 30 years,” he said. “So, we will get it done.”

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[font size="8"]Michael Avenatti
[br] [/font]

You know it’s a fucked up week when Stormy Daniels’ lawyer himself, Michael Avenatti, gets indicted for a massive fraud scandal involving other celebrity attorneys and it’s not the craziest thing that has happened in a week. I mean we only get 10 of these a week to talk about this shit. 10!!! Which means that we have to pick and choose what we get to talk about here, but this might be one of the most insane scandals yet. This week. And trying to figure out this mess is well, what one would call a “clusterfuck”. So what kind of mess did Avenatti get himself into?

Federal prosecutors in Manhattan and Los Angeles charged attorney Michael Avenatti nearly simultaneously in two criminal cases Monday, unsealing complaints that alleged he attempted to extort more than $20 million from Nike and that he committed wire and bank fraud.
Avenatti was arrested Monday afternoon in Manhattan, law enforcement officials tell CNN. He was released on a $300,000 bond Monday night and said outside federal court that he is "highly confident" that he will be "fully exonerated."

The criminal complaint unsealed in the New York case describes a rapid investigation that unfolded over the course of just the past six days, beginning March 19, and portrays Avenatti as the brash persona likely familiar to the public from his former representation of adult-film actress Stormy Daniels.

According to the complaint, Avenatti met March 19 with attorneys for Nike and threatened to release what he said were allegations of misconduct by employees on the eve of both its quarterly earnings call and the start of the NCAA tournament.

Avenatti would disclose the allegations at a press conference, he said, according to the complaint, unless Nike made millions in payments to him and an unnamed co-conspirator by hiring them to conduct an "internal investigation," for which he later requested between $15 million and $20 million. Avenatti also allegedly demanded that Nike pay $1.5 million to an individual he claimed to represent.

Yeah so trying to figure out this whole mess is kind of like that. And what do R. Kelly and Jussie Smollet have to do with this? Well, it seems that Avenatti may not be the only celebrity attorney who is involved in this extortion clusterfuck. And I mean nothing good happens when R. Kelly and Jussie Smollet are involved, are they?

R. Kelly’s lawyer has demanded law enforcement officials preserve all communications between Cook County prosecutors and embattled celebrity attorney Michael Avenatti.

Citing concern over Avenatti’s recent indictment for allegedly attempting to extort millions from Nike and referencing State’s Attorney Kim Foxx’s handling of charges against “Empire” actor Jussie Smollett, defense attorney Steve Greenberg, filed a motion that requires prosecutors, police and the state’s witnesses to save their communications with Avenatti.

Talking to reporters after a brief hearing on Monday, Greenberg said the prosecutors’ case against Kelly appear to lean heavily on accusations leveled by Avenatti and the women he is representing. Avenatti’s extortion case has shown “how he operates,” Greenberg said.

“We’ve already seen that State’s Attorney Foxx has conversations with people about pending cases, pending investigations,” Greenberg said after the brief hearing Monday. “I want to know what conversations she had with Avenatti about this case, and these facts, and what occurred.”

So yeah stop trying to figure this thing out because it’s damn near impossible. And by the way you might be asking “Wait, what is becoming of Avenatti’s presidential ambitions?” Well, I answer you good sir / madam, he could quite possibly be going away for a very long time, so do we have to bring back the Trumper Games for this one? No? Well, OK we’ll save that for when departures affect us that we actually care about.

Michael Avenatti made his first West Coast court appearance Monday as a criminal defendant -- not as an attorney for Stormy Daniel in her case against President Donald Trump.

Avenatti requested to waive his right to a preliminary hearing as he faces charges that include having embezzled more than $1 million from a client. U.S. Magistrate Judge John Early set April 29 for Avenatti's post-indictment arraignment.

Outside the Orange County, California, courthouse, in meeting briefly with reporters and a battery of television cameras, Avenatti vowed to fight the charges.

"For nearly 20 years, I have represented Davids vs. Goliaths as an attorney," he said.

Now, he said, he will be winding through the justice system himself and "I am highly confident that when the process plays out, justice will be done."

Though he spoke only for about a minute, a heckler tried to shout him down with taunts, including one accusing him of being a "porn attorney."

Oh come on! That’s the best insult ya got? Michael Avenatti is a “porn attorney”? I mean in the porn industry I’m sure there’s way worse nicknames you could come up with! And by the way, do we really need Coach K from Duke weighing in on this scandal? Really? That’s who you go to for your opinion on a $20 million extortion scandal? Not a financial or economic expert, but Coach K? Really?

Lawyer Michael Avenatti caused a stir this week when he claimed he was going to hold a press conference exposing a major scandal involving Nike and high-level college basketball programs. Avenatti was later arrested and released on bail for allegedly trying to extort Nike.

Avenatti would go on to tweet allegations against UNLV, Arizona and Oregon. He accused Nike of making illegal payments to lure top recruits to those programs.

He would also cryptically mention Duke in one of his tweets. There were no specific allegations against the Blue Devils but it got people’s attention.

“And Duke…” was the entire text of the tweet.

That isn’t much, but it was enough for someone to ask Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski about Avenatti and Nike during his media availability at the Sweet 16 today. He denied there was anything in the scandal involving his program.

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[font size="8"]Enough Of The News
[br] [/font]

It’s no secret that our TV obsessed president loves him some ratings. In fact that’s just about all he talks about. Yes, Donald Trump has mentioned TV ratings far more than any other president before him. Why is that? Because nobody else gave a shit! He does! With that in mind we’re going to devote this next segment to talking about Trump’s favorite subject – ratings. So he thinks CNN and Rachel Maddow have taken a nose dive since the Muller Report came out? Well let’s see what the latest developments are in the world of TV ratings!

President Donald Trump TV habits shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone anymore, but there’s a new report out with some behind-the-scenes details of just how much POTUS pays attention to what happens on cable news.

The Washington Post report this morning details Trump’s “elated” reaction to that December Oval Office meeting when he told then-House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer he would take credit for a government shutdown. Most people were shocked, but the president loved that it rated well and spoke to then-Speaker Paul Ryan about it:

“This is why I was so great on the Apprentice,” he told a startled Speaker Paul D. Ryan (R-Wis.) during a phone call the next morning, crowing that the ratings of the meeting were “great.”

Ryan said he did not know such government meetings scored ratings — or that they were released within 12 hours, according to aides familiar with the call who requested anonymity to describe the private conversation. Trump told Ryan that everyone watched and that Trump was dominating the TV — and that made the meeting a success.

And if you’re wondering how cognizant lawmakers are of the fact that Trump will notice them if they go on cable news, per the Post, the president told senators at the Senate Republican lunch this week “that he appreciated them defending him on TV,” giving Senator John Kennedy a shoutout in particular.

Yeah well he does guarantee a lot of things. But he says one thing because he thinks it’s true but in reality it’s almost the exact opposite. Maybe Rachel Maddow’s ratings are on the decline because people have had just a fucking ass full of the news? Well, people in general have had an ass full of TV and are doing, well, just about anything but sitting in front of the tube these days. So Rachel Maddow’s ratings decline is just part of a slow, steep process.

The sky is falling for network TV. Then again, the sky has been falling for decades — and yet, the broadcast networks are still here, despite all the gloom-and-doom prognosticators. But the first night of the new fall TV season was met mostly by a yawn from viewers, and will feed another cycle of the-networks-are-dying narratives.

Of course, there’s some truth to that. Just five years ago, NBC led the first night of premiere week (Sept. 23, 2013) with a 4.6 rating among adults 18-49, while ABC was in fourth with a 2.3 rating. This year, NBC led all networks on Monday night — with a 2.1, while fourth-place ABC landed with just a 1.2.

But on the positive front, the four major networks’ total viewer averages combined to 32.3 million on Monday night, up from 31.2 million on the first night of premiere week a year ago. And NBC launched new drama “Manifest” to a solid — hell, for 2018, a tremendous — 2.2 rating and 10.4 million viewers, making it the network’s most-watched drama series premiere in three years. And as has been pointed out, the night’s lowest-rated program, CBS’ “Bull,” still rated higher in the adults 18-49 demo than anything on cable that night (save, of course, ESPN’s Monday Night Football, which trumped all).

Except it’s way past October 31st there, Trump. So ratings for everything are down because well, the TV climate and the way that we consume content is changing. Even we here at the Top 10 are feeling the ratings hit! I mean at this point the presidency has turned into a “my TV ratings are better than your TV ratings” kind of shit fight that you’d expect. Although really, who cares? Time to turn the TV off and go outside for a change.

Rachel Maddow isn’t backing away from her coverage of President Donald Trump and any connection to Russia’s involvement in trying to influence the 2016 presidential campaign. The question is how much her fans want to listen.

Maddow’s audience has dipped on her two days back on the air since Attorney General William Barr reported that special counsel Robert Mueller had found no collusion between Trump and Russia’s efforts. Her audience of 2.5 million on Monday was 19 percent below her average this year, and it went down further to 2.3 million on Tuesday, the Nielsen company said.

Meanwhile, her head-to-head competitor on Fox News Channel, Sean Hannity, saw his audience soar on Monday to 4 million viewers, a 32 percent increase from his average. It slipped to 3.57 million on Tuesday. One of Trump’s most prominent media fans, Hannity was to interview the president on Wednesday’s show.

Hannity and Maddow have run neck-and-neck atop the cable news ratings this year, with Maddow having the slight edge.

Fox’s Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingraham also saw their audiences top their averages both days, while other prime-time hosts on MSNBC and CNN saw their audiences plunge.

Well there is one thing that Trump hadn’t counted on – prior to the release of the Mueller Report, which we all know they didn’t read, MSNBC had one of the highest ratings of any quarter in the last 15 years, so suck it!!! Oh, that might have caused Trump to go on his latest temper tantrum regarding the ratings for his beloved Fox.

There's a certain risk in releasing ratings news releases on April Fool's Day. But for MSNBC, the chance to reverse a week of stories about slumping viewership—and a presidential tweet joking about the network's ratings compared with Fox News—was reason enough to start April with a bold new headline, one the network provided to reporters Monday in a news release with a breathless, all-caps headline: "MSNBC’S 'THE RACHEL MADDOW SHOW' IS THE #1 CABLE NEWS PROGRAM IN A25-54 FOR THE QUARTER, DELIVERS THE SHOW’S HIGHEST-RATED QUARTER EVER IN TOTAL AUDIENCE."

But the full details on which that headline is based appear at the bottom of the release: "NOTE: 1Q19 ratings are based on Nielsen Live+Same data day for December 31, 2018 – March 28, 2019. Individual show data represents regular programming only, excluding specials and breaking news."

That means MSNBC didn't stick around for the last three nights of March to declare that The Rachel Maddow Show had made history, posting its highest quarterly ratings since the show's debut and averaging 3.07 million total viewers. Why not wait until Tuesday, when we can compare MSNBC's ratings apples-to-apples against the competition at Fox News and CNN? Well, perhaps because a best-ever rating among total viewers might sound somewhat less ALL-CAPS dramatic if you have to add the detail "while finishing in second place behind Fox News Channel's Sean Hannity."

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[font size="8"]Gun Nut Conspiracy Theorists
[br] [/font]

You ever stop and think that the people who are peddling conspiracy theories may actually be involved in a real life conspiracy? Well that’s the conundrum that the NRA and Alex Jones got themselves into this week when it was revealed that the NRA… got caught shopping for conspiracy theorists this weekend, and it was also very amusing to see Alex Jones go down with the ship. You know what? Let’s roll that clip of Alex Jones at a fried chicken joint because it’s spectacular:

Wow, I didn’t know it was open mic night at Lucy’s Chicken! But anyway, the NRA is shockingly evil as is evidenced by what they did in New Zealand. See, the United States isn’t the only country having to put up with people who claim that everyone is out to take their guns away!

An NRA employee corresponded with a prominent Sandy Hook conspiracy theorist the day after the Parkland, Florida, school shooting, speculating that the gunman had not acted alone.

“Just like [Sandy Hook], there is so much more to this story,” the NRA employee, Mark Richardson, told the conspiracy theorist, according to emails obtained by HuffPost. “He was not alone.”

“Thank you for all the information. And for what you do. STAY SAFE.”

Since the 2012 Sandy Hook elementary school shooting, conspiracy theorists who claim grieving family members of shooting victims are “crisis actors”, and that mass shootings are staged to advance gun control, have continued to harass victims’ families. This confrontation is sometimes very direct: a Florida woman was sentenced to five months in prison for sending threatening messages for one Sandy Hook father that death was coming for him “real soon”. New theories targeting family members of the most recent victims emerge immediately after each high-profile shooting, and generate online and in-person harassment.

The emails from Richardson, who was using his official NRA email address, emerged as part of a defamation lawsuit by Sandy Hook parents against the Infowars host Alex Jones, who used his show to air Sandy Hook conspiracy theories. Wolfgang Halbig, the conspiracy theorist Richardson emailed, has contributed to Infowars.

Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! So the NRA is stunningly evil here, and if you think that’s all, the NRA is in over their heads this week after it was found out that they oppose the violence against women act. Oh wait, that’s nearly 95% of the NRA’s clientele there, that’s who they cater to! So, if we extrapolate, the NRA supports violence against women.

“The No. 1 way that women are being killed with guns is by their beloveds, their boyfriends, their significant others,” freshman Rep. Lucy McBath (D-Ga.) said as she argued in favor of stricter gun laws. Her son, Jordan Davis, was murdered in 2012 by a man at a Jacksonville, Fla., gas station who was upset over the music being played in the car Davis was in with friends. She is no stranger to gun violence.

“I am not paying attention to the rhetoric of the N.R.A. because I can’t be distracted. What’s most important is putting forth good legislation to save as many lives as we can,” McBath said in a quote reported by the New York Times.

As the Times reports, the NRA is up in arms (pun intended) over a new provision in the 1994 Violence Against Women Act that is up for reauthorization in Congress after expiring in February.

The way the law is currently written, anyone who is convicted of domestic abuse can have their guns taken away from them if they are currently or were previously married to their victim, live in the same house as their victim, are the parent or guardian of their victim, or have a child with their victim.

Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! By the way, remember our good buddy Alex Jones from a while back? Let’s check in on him for a minute. So what’s his excuse for being the conspiracy theory whack-a-doodle that he is known to be? Well, his excuse is…. SURVEY SAYS… psychosis. Yes, he is going there and blaming his psychosis for him being an insufferable douche.

Broadcaster and conspiracy theorist Alex Jones said it was a "form of psychosis" that caused him to believe certain events --- like the Sandy Hook massacre -- were staged.
On December 14, 2012, 20 children and six adults were killed by 20-year-old Adam Lanza in Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut.

Jones, who founded InfoWars.com and hosted a three-hour news-talk radio program which he said was carried on more than 160 stations, had repeatedly suggested in the past that the Sandy Hook shooting was a "giant hoax" carried out by crisis actors on behalf of people who oppose the Second Amendment.
InfoWars has also suggested the September 11 attacks were an inside job orchestrated by the US government.

This week, Jones acknowledged the shooting was real during a sworn deposition he made as part of a defamation case brought against him by Sandy Hook victims' families.

"And I, myself, have almost had like a form of psychosis back in the past where I basically thought everything was staged, even though I've now learned a lot of times things aren't staged," he said. "So I think as a pundit, someone giving an opinion, that, you know, my opinions have been wrong, but they were never wrong consciously to hurt people."

You know if only some of these guys would try, I don’t know, smiling and maybe enjoying life for a minute or two they wouldn’t be so unbearable! And you know we’re not going to talk about all the mass shooting related suicides here, because that’s too horrifying and depressing to make fun of, and that would be beneath us. So we’ll instead trash Alex Jones and his desperate plea to be a victim here, because that’s the least we can do. Oh, and fuck Alex Jones.

Alex Jones, who claimed the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting was staged, may now be blaming his opinion on “a form of psychosis” he had in the past “where I basically thought everything was staged ... even though I’m learning a lot of things aren’t staged.”

According to published reports, those claims were made earlier this month when Jones was grilled during an Austin, Texas, deposition taken in connection with one of the lawsuits brought by parents of some of the 20 children killed in the 2012 shooting.

Gunman Adam Lanza, who also killed his mother and six educators during the mass shooting, killed himself as police approached the school.

Jones spent more than three hours answering questions posed by lawyers in a suit claiming intentional infliction of emotional distress brought on behalf of Jessie Lewis, one of the slain children, by his mother, Scarlett Lewis.


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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Hate Down Under
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!

The entire world right now is dealing with a problem that should have been dealt with at the end of World War II. The rising tide of hatred and white nationalism has reared its’ ugly head again. As previously seen in such countries as Brazil, the UK, Hungary, Italy, Poland, Turkey, the Philippines and the United States. Now the latest country to be targeted by Vladimir Putin’s Internet Research Agency, or IRA, is Australia. The country and its’ rise of hate and white nationalism came under fire after the Christchurch shooting claimed the lives of 50 people. So the Land Down Under has a huge racist problem that it is dealing with. How are they handling it?

Australians proudly point to their nation as being one of the most ethnically and culturally diverse on the planet. But the New Zealand shootings are placing a new focus on Australia's far-right politics and its mingling with its white nationalist movement.

The March 15 massacre in Christchurch, which claimed the lives of 50 people, quickly led to dramatic changes in New Zealand's firearms laws as the government announced it will ban military-style semi-automatic and assault rifles.

The worst mass shooting in New Zealand's modern history is resonating here in neighboring Australia. The chief suspect in the shootings is Australian, leading many people who knew the man to struggle with the knowledge of growing up with, having taught or having worked alongside a person that allegedly could have committed such a crime.

In Canberra, the government is proposing a law that will allow fines and prison time to be handed out to social media executives if their companies fail to quickly remove violent content from their platforms. The man charged with the shootings is a suspected white supremacist who livestreamed the shootings on Facebook.

Some observers say the country's far-right politics has not faced the level of scrutiny that some minority groups receive.

"Far-right groups in Australia have been able to operate under the radar more than any Muslim group could have done," says human rights attorney Greg Barns, who recently published a book on the rise of white nationalism in Australia titled "The Rise of the Right." He blames the Liberal Party-led coalition government because, he says, it allowed anti-Muslim sentiment to flourish in the country but did nothing to stamp it out.

Yes, yes it was racist. But it seems there’s nowhere on earth right now that is immune from the rising tide of hate and white nationalism that is engulfing the planet. It’s Hitler’s vision on a global scale, and even New Zealand – a place that until recently was considered politically neutral, has fallen victim to Putin’s IRA.

No place is immune from the rise of hate and extremism. Not even New Zealand, until now a relative haven from the world’s political monstrosities.

The deadly terrorist attack on two mosques on 15 March in Christchurch (in which 50 people died and dozens were injured) appalled the world. New Zealand is not renowned for either far-right activity or mass shootings.

The attack’s Australian dimension has also prompted questions over that country’s readiness to combat far-right terrorism. The Christchurch gunman, 28-year-old Australian Brenton Tarrant, appeared to be unknown to the authorities. Should he have been on terror watch lists? And what does his radicalisation and murderous spree against Muslims as they prayed tell us about his home country?

In recent years, far-right movements have enjoyed success in Australia. Political debates have reflected the creeping normalisation of racist hate and bigotry. In view of the relationship between hate speech and political violence, a white supremacist terrorist attack with some Australian connection seemed grimly inevitable.

Even Hitler isn’t pleased with this one. And you know when Hitler isn’t pleased, he isn’t pleased. What is to stop this rising tide of hate? Well if you’re in Australia and you only have eggs at your disposal, you use them, which is what one young Australian used when he confronted Senator Anning. If you start spouting white nationalist talking points in public, you’re going to get an egg in the face. It’s human nature.

A far-right Australian lawmaker who blamed the slaughter at two Christchurch mosques on immigration policies that "allowed Muslim fanatics to migrate to New Zealand in the first place" literally had egg on his face Saturday.

Sen. Fraser Anning, no stranger to controversy, was left with raw egg dripping down his back and the front of his shirt after a teenager raised his phone with one hand and, with the other, smashed an egg on the side of the politician's head at a Melbourne news conference.

Anning, in footage that went viral, was seen punching the boy in the face and then taking another swing before the two were separated. The teenager was tackled to the ground.

The encounter occurred a day after the massacre at two New Zealand mosques left at least 49 people dead and dozens injured.

The same day, the lawmaker said, "This kind of violent vigilantism ... highlights the growing fear within our community, both in Australia and New Zealand, of the increasing Muslim presence."

Yes, that happened. So what can be done about it? Elections like Brexit and Trump happened when we weren’t looking. But when the next elections come around, is there anything we can do to stop the trolls and the IRA? Well, when it’s all connected as it is in New Zealand and Australia, then confronting it is going to be next to impossible. But we can be ready for them.

Australian Al Jazeera reporter Rodger Muller infiltrated a meeting between the US National Rifle Association and Australia's far-right/white nationalist party One Nation, where the NRA gave party bosses advice on how to reverse Australia's tough anti-automatic/semi-automatic gun laws (passed after a 1996 mass shooting that killed 35 people) and what to do to deflect public calls for gun control when the next mass shooting happens.

In the secret recording, two One Nation officials -- Chief of Staff James Ashby and Queensland party boss Steve Dickson -- seek up to $20 million from the NRA's US supporters to fund their gun lobbying in Australia.

NRA PR team members Lars Dalseide and Catherine Mortensen gave the One Nation official extensive advice on managing crisis communications following mass shootings, advising them to "say nothing," and to plant stories that smear gun-control advocates by "shaming" them with statements like "how dare you use their deaths to push that forward. How dare you stand on the graves of those children to put forward your political agenda?"

The NRA flaks also described how they encourage friendly reporters to publish stories about violent crimes that suggest the victims would have been able to defend themselves if they had guns; they also described how the NRA ghost wrote op-eds in favor of looser gun laws that were published under local cops' by-lines.

That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.

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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Washington DC! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it is our weekly duty to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:

My fair congregation! You know, a lot of my fellow zealots aren’t too keen on higher education. We here at the Holy Church Of The Top 10 encourage higher education. It’s one of the staples of this country that makes it great, despite what the unholy Dark One is saying about universities! But… it is getting to be way too expensive! And what does your top dollar get you for admission into these universities, you might ask? Well, if you look at the holiest universities, such as Notre Dame or Liberty University, you might get a whole lot more than you bargained for!

Within months of President Donald Trump taking up residence in the White House, the federal government signed a $900,000 contract to purchase jet fuel from a company owned by evangelical leader Jerry Falwell, Jr.’s Liberty University, according to The Daily Beast.

The Pentagon’s Defense Logistics Agency entered into the agreement on May 9, 2017, thus far buying more than $400,000 worth of turbine fuel. The company, Freedom Aviation, is fully owned by Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia, The Daily Beast reported — and Falwell, Jr. is one of the president’s most ardent supporters.

According to Pentagon officials, Freedom Aviation is the only “fixed-base operator” in the area and was contracted to refuel Department of Defense aircraft at the Lynchburg airport.

DLA spokesman Patrick Mackin also said the company “submitted the only offer” to contract for the services, and its per-gallon rate of $2.69 ”was determined fair and reasonable in accordance with the Federal Acquisition Regulation and was in line with prices at other airports in the region.”

But Austin Evers, the executive director of transparency group American Oversight, told The Daily Beast that the deal raises red flags, not the least being Liberty University’s inexperience in providing such services to the government.

Yes, that does seem suspicious indeed! Now in doing the LAWRD’s work, which Jerry Falwell Jr does not, why did they wait until the Dark One assumed power in order to begin selling fuel to the Pentagon? I mean I have never seen anything so preposterous! But the media wasn’t reporting this story and they should report it more! I mean this is some shady shit that we’re seeing here, and I am not at all surprised that Liberty University is doing something shady!

The contract was scrutinized on Thursday after The Daily Beast reported that it was signed shortly after President Trump's inauguration. Trump has close ties to the university's president and delivered a commencement speech there in 2017.

The Defense Department signed a contract to buy jet fuel from Freedom Aviation, which is wholly owned by the university, in May 2017, according to the publication, and has since bought more than $400,000 worth of fuel from the company.

In a statement, Freedom Aviation President Andrew Wallace told The Hill that the Daily Beast's story was "misleading."

"The contract to provide the U.S. Department of Defense with fuel at the Lynchburg Regional Airport has been in place for over 20 years.The term of the contract signed in June 2017 began in November of 2016 and was merely a renewal of the pre-existing contract," Wallace said. "Since 2000, the highest volume of jet fuel delivered to the Defense Department under this jet fuel contract in any given year was during the Obama administration."

Freedom Aviation owns six planes, which it maintains at the university’s Lynchburg, Va., flight school. It provides both charter flights and private aircraft used by the university’s president, Jerry Falwell Jr.

Now I am going to do something unusual and switch subjects for the rest of the segment! I mean yes we only have a limited amount of time here at mass and I can’t divulge anything. I mean that’s not what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would do, is it! There’s another higher education controversy that I wanted to get to this week. What is appropriate dress code at mass? It seems that Notre Dame is in trouble over a controversy with the ladies!

A mother’s letter published in Notre Dame’s student newspaper urging the university’s young women to stop wearing leggings went viral this week — and students organized pro-leggings protests in response.

In a letter to the editor titled “The Leggings Problem,” printed in the Observer — the student newspaper for Notre Dame and neighboring schools St. Mary’s and Holy Cross — Maryann White lamented the popularity of the tight-fitting garment amongst the women students of these three Catholic colleges.

White wrote that while attending Mass at Notre Dame’s Basilica of the Sacred Heart during her last campus visit, she and her sons sat behind “a group of young women, all wearing very snug-fitting leggings and all wearing short-waisted tops (so that the lower body was uncovered except for the leggings).”

She described the young women as looking like “the leggings had been painted on” their “blackly naked rear ends.”

“I was ashamed for the young women at Mass. I thought of all the other men around and behind us who couldn’t help but see their behinds,” she wrote, imploring the female students to cover their “nakedness” so that “unsavory” men wouldn’t ogle them and upstanding men like her sons wouldn’t be forced to avoid looking at their nether regions.

Yes, won’t somebody think of the children indeed! Oh those poor downtrodden males being subjected to the horrors of form-fitting women’s clothing? Won’t somebody please think of their impure thoughts that might arise! Well, something’s arising anyways! Yes, I couldn’t help that joke sir, we are allowed to do that in my church! And I am using that to prove a point – we’re allowed progressive viewpoints and humor in our church! It’s the people who forbid it where it all goes to shit! So what happens when people don’t? Well you get this! What is this scandal really about?

We can always count on leggings to change the subject for us.

For most of Thursday, March 28, the only headline that shared space with Jussie Smollett on the Chicago Tribune’s “most read stories” list was, “Notre Dame mom begs female students to stop wearing leggings, sparking protests: ‘Think of the mothers of sons.’ ”

Maryann White, a self-described Catholic mother of four sons, wrote a letter to the editor published by the Observer, Notre Dame’s student newspaper, imploring Notre Dame women to start an anti-leggings trend. She was upset, in particular, by seeing young women wearing leggings to Mass recently.

“I thought of all the other men around and behind us who couldn’t help but see their behinds,” White wrote. “My sons know better than to ogle a woman’s body — certainly when I’m around (and hopefully, also when I’m not). They didn’t stare, and they didn’t comment afterwards. But you couldn’t help but see those blackly naked rear ends. I didn’t want to see them — but they were unavoidable. How much more difficult for young guys to ignore them.

“Leggings are so naked, so form fitting, so exposing,” she continued. “Could you think of the mothers of sons the next time you go shopping and consider choosing jeans instead?”

Except we did there, good sir!!!! But this isn’t about the children, this is about the mothers of the children! They might have just as well have said “You dang kids get off my lawn!!”. There you have it, mass has ended! May you go in peace! That’s it this week for:

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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse
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Conservatives love to fight strange battles. One of which is a restaurant that repeatedly gets flogged for its’ human rights violations and repeatedly donates to anti-LGBT groups, such as James Dobson’s Focus On The Family, and that is Chik-Fil-A. Well, new controversy erupted this week over Chik-Fil-A getting banned from the airport food court. Really, you’re upset that you can’t eat your favorite shit food restaurant of choice going from San Antonio to Milwaukee, conservatives? All of our other problems have been solved? So you’re choosing to fight battles at the terminal food court. It’s all part of a culture war that nobody asked for, nor did they really want in the first place. Well here’s more.

Chick-fil-A has been banned from opening up a new location at the San Antonio International Airport.

On Thursday, the San Antonio City Council approved a seven-year concessions agreement for new restaurants and businesses in Terminal A of the Texas airport with Paradies Lagardère, a travel retailer and restaurateur that works with more than 100 airports.

Chick-fil-A was initially in the plans, but council members amended the plans to exclude the chicken restaurant, with some citing concerns with its record on LGBTQ issues. The amendment was approved by a 6-4 vote.

Councilman Roberto Treviño said in a statement after the vote that, with the decision, the council "reaffirmed the work our city has done to become a champion of equality and inclusion."

"San Antonio is a city full of compassion, and we do not have room in our public facilities for a business with a legacy of anti-LGBTQ behavior," Treviño said in the statement. “Everyone has a place here, and everyone should feel welcome when they walk through our airport.”

Oh sure, it starts out innocently enough and that it was a good gesture that the City Of San Antonio actually cares about its’ LGBT citizens. But then the Texas republican party got involved. And you know that nothing good happens when they get a hold of something. Yes, the same people who gave us Trump turn everything to shit!

The Texas attorney general is investigating whether the city of San Antonio violated Chick-fil-A's religious liberty when it banned the fast food chain from its airport.

Last week, the San Antonio city council approved a new concessions contract for the San Antonio International Airport -- on the condition that Chick-fil-A be excluded.

Texas attorney general Ken Paxton slammed the city's decision as "discriminatory" and "inconsistent with the Constitution and Texas law." He echoed that thought in a tweet substituting waffle fries for the famous cannon in the Gonzales flag used during the Texas Revolution.

"The Constitution's protection of religious liberty is somehow even better than Chick-fil-A's chicken," Paxton wrote in a Thursday letter to the San Antonio mayor and city council. "Unfortunately, I have serious concerns that both are under assault at the San Antonio airport."

Yeah how dare you interfere with my right to preach hatred and eat fried chicken and waffle fries! How dare you, I say!!! But the City Of San Antonio wasn’t alone in banning Chik Fil A from the terminal food court, and you know how politics makes for strange bedfellows. The city of Buffalo also banned Chik Fil A from the terminal food court for the exact same reasons! But at least in New York, they don’t have the Texas republican party to deal with!

Another airport is cancelling its order of Chick-fil-A.

The revamped food court and concessions area within the Buffalo Niagara International Airport will not have a Chick-Fil-A as one of its anchor restaurants. State Assemblyman Sean Ryan, who questioned tentative plans for a Chick-Fil-A outlet at the airport, said Friday that Delaware North has agreed not to bring the Atlanta-based chain into the Cheektowaga terminal.

In preliminary renderings presented Thursday to the NFTA Board of Commissioners said that Chick-Fil-A might have been one of the new food outlets brought to the airport.

He objected because Chick-Fil-A has “a long history of supporting and funding anti-LGBTQ organizations.”

Ryan said following a meeting Friday with Delaware North and NFTA representatives any plans to pursue Chick-Fil-A as a food court anchor tenant were dropped.

By the way, Christian conservatives, before you get your underwear in a wad over which restaurants are being allowed at the airport, you should be more concerned with the quality of the food you’re getting at the airport. George Carlin once said that the “terminal snack bar” is probably an appropriate name for it, and he might actually be right! These are some real headlines that have appeared in the last month, and you might want to think twice before you pull the trigger on the airport Popeyes, or Starbucks, or Chik Fil A, or McDonalds, or anywhere else you might fly to!

It may look inviting from the outside, but health inspectors found plenty of issues inside The Westin at DIA. The Grill and Vine restaurant failed our report card with eight health code violations in December.

Across the Bay we found a packed St. Pete-Clearwater Airport and their upstairs Sam Adams Grille filled with customers.

But we also found big problems on the restaurant’s Sept. 26 inspection. The establishment is operated by First Class Concessions, written up with 23 violations including a black or green mold-like substance inside the ice machine, an employee not properly washing their hands and touching food without gloves.

The Hilton San Antonio Airport Hotel received a failing health score late last month after a city inspector found expired food in the hotel kitchen’s coolers.

The hotel, located in the 600 block of NW Loop 410, also was dinged for having broken kitchenware and for not protecting food in its buffet line from possible contamination

A database of city health inspections at 130 O’Hare restaurants shows 10 received failing scores during the last half of 2018.

Some of the restaurants on the list of failed inspections include popular chains like Chili’s and Macaroni and favorites from the Lettuce Entertain You company.

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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Hey Washington DC! I really need a drink!

Of course you know by now that the idea of this feature is that we cocktail and while we’re cocktailing we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. And this week we’re going to talk about the great bagel controversy of 2019. Yes, bagels. So tell me bartender, what goes well with some bagels with lox and cream cheese? A glass of Manechevitz? Eh, I think I will stick to my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. So we’re going to get schvitzed and talk about the right way to slice your bagels. Sliced horizontally with a giant schmear of cream cheese. Maybe some smoked salmon thrown in for good measure. But how does St. Louis slice theirs?

Earlier this week, a man named Alek Krautmann decided to share a photo of bread-sliced bagels, calling it "the St. Louis secret of ordering bagels." Though Alek said that the bagels were a hit with his coworkers, Twitter was NOT having it. Krautmann's tweet has garnered more than 8,000 comments, many of which are expressing total outrage for the sliced bagel. Even Chrissy Teigen, the unofficial Mayor of Twitter herself, chimed in, encouraging her loyal followers to "vote NO on prop: slicingbagels."

I was born and raised in St. Louis, and until yesterday, I thought the bread-sliced bagels that my friends and I ordered at St. Louis Bread Co. (Panera, to all you haters) were...dare I say—normal?! It truly never occurred to me that NO ONE else anywhere ever ate their bagels this way.

Look, I would never support a true New York bagel being sliced this way. Would you bread-slice a bagel topped with lox, or a BEC? Absolutely not. But hear me out: Panera's bagels, though, are arguably more like bread than an actual bagel, anyway, so bread-slicing a bagel is actually somewhat of a bagel hack. Here's all the good it's bringing the world.

Have you ever tried eating a bagel with cream cheese (cut in half) on-the-go? Nearly impossible. The slices of bagel, though, are more snackable, and less aggressive to try to eat in the car, at your desk, in class, etc.

NO!!! It is not hard to eat a bagel, you idiots! And I’ve eaten plenty of them in my life! Bagels are delicious, especially prepared with the right cream cheese! They don’t need any additional help or new and innovative ways to eat them! Thank you, audience! And if you’re that concerned about getting cream cheese everywhere, maybe don’t put that much on it. So how is this dividing the country? As if we don’t need more division!

Man from St. Louis, Missouri: This is how we slice our bagels. Like a loaf of bread.

Twitter: No, thanks. Also, that is horrible. And here are some other terrible things you probably do in St. Louis.

That’s pretty much how it went down on Wednesday, and why St. Louis — and Panera — are trending on Twitter, in something Twitter Moments has dubbed “Bagelgate.”

It all started with that poor unfortunate soul who introduced the idea to an unsuspecting social media audience.

“Today I introduced my coworkers to the St Louis secret of ordering bagels bread sliced,” Alek Krautmann tweeted on Monday night, along with the offending photo. “It was a hit!”

In the picture, the bagels, purchased from Panera — which is known in St. Louis as Saint Louis Bread Company — were sliced from top to bottom and not on their sides, as if they were individual loaves of bread, with no regard to their ring shape.

Ah thanks, I needed that! Now of course, Twitter, in its’ usual fashion, is never one to rest on its’ laruels, and instead decided to show other ways that St. Louis could improve various foods. And even one of Trump’s favorite targets, Chuck Schumer, decided to weigh in on the controversy. He’s from New York, he should know the proper form of bagel consumption!

It was a St. Louis "secret" that struck revulsion in the hearts of many from bagel-proud cities like New York – bagels sliced like bread.

Now, social media users and even major brands are having a go at the city's unorthodox bagel treatment on Twitter, posting photos of foods prepared "St. Louis style."

The bagel slicing ordeal began on Monday when Twitter user Alek Krautmann tweeted a photo of two boxes of bagels sliced like bread that were purchased at Panera Bread. He pointed out that it creates more slices and more surface area for cream cheese. He wrote that the few remaining slices make nice bagel chips with hummus.

"Today I introduced my coworkers to the St Louis secret of ordering bagels bread sliced. It was a hit!" Krautmann tweeted.

However, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer of New York wasn't buying it over the traditional horizontal slice. The Democrat tweeted, "St Louis, fuhgeddaboudit."

So we’ve got two bagels here – one prepared the right way, and one prepared the St. Louis way. Let’s try these. Dude, that’s not a bagel! It’s sliced fucking bread!!! I mean really they probably sell these at the grocery store as “bread chips”. Yeah you know the day old bag of them that you find next to the fresh made bread. With that in mind, what do actual New Yorkers think of this crime against food? Well, they think of it as a crime against food! Literally!

Alek Krautmann seemed to think he was doing the world a favor on Monday when he tweeted a photo of two boxes of bagels brutally cut in oblong slices. He had brought them from Panera Bread to share the "St Louis secret" of "bread sliced" bagels with his co-workers.

But to New Yorkers, Krautmann might as well have posted a picture of a crime scene or a horrific car crash. Some called the cursed image downright criminal.

"Thank you for reporting this crime, but we only serve New York City, where this would NEVER happen," NYPD Chief of Detectives Dermot Shea said on Twitter.

City Councilman Robert Holden said his fellow lawmakers could even pass legislation to make such bagel mutliation a felony. One of his colleagues agreed.

"I believe this is a Class A felony in New York City. And if its not, it should be," tweeted Councilman Justin Brannan, a Brooklyn Democrat.

Some people tried to defend slicing a bagel vertically rather than the standard horizontal cut. The practice apparently comes from the St. Louis Bread Company, a Panera prescursor.

One person said bread-slicing is ideal for offices with lots of hungry workers. Another argued, "It's like turning your bagel into a chip and dipping it in cream cheese." (This may be unnecessary, as bagel chips already exist.)

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[font size="8"]Stupidest State Contest: Selection Sunday
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16 states will enter and only one state will be crowned the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!

Ladies and gentlemen, we are at the end of Round 1! Last week as you know, Michigan routed Alaska to advance to play Wisconsin in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference championship. Meanwhile in the Gun Nut Conference, Florida hung on by a thread as Montana answered with 10 straight points but could not make that final basket in. What an utter defeat for Montana. This week it’s the final week of Round 1 as we head to the home of the Oregon Ducks, the Matthew Knight Arena! This week Georgia will battle Texas to take on the Batshit Conference championship and the winner will play Kentucky. While in the Family Values Conference, two longtime favorites – Ohio and Alabama, will duke it out to play Mississippi in the FVC championships! Let’s break out those brackets and follow along!


[font size="4"]Georgia Vs Texas[/font]

[font size="4"]Georgia[/font]

Georgia was one of the hottest teams in the NFFSA last year. Usually a last place offering in the Batshit Conference, the election between Stacy Abrams and Brian Kemp was the stuff of pure insanity and it still isn’t over even though Brian Kemp was declared the winner and he is already serving. Abrams may have moved on also, but it isn’t over without a fight. But not even a few months into his term, Kemp is already moving on to being investigated by a Georgia House committee! Yes, one of the craziest politicians that Georgia has elected in some time didn’t take long to make that claim of his overall craziness.

The House Oversight and Reform Committee is investigating allegations of voter suppression in Georgia under Secretary of State Brian Kemp, who has since become governor.

The investigation was revealed in letters that the committee’s Democratic leaders sent on Wednesday to Mr. Kemp and his successor as secretary of state, Brad Raffensperger. The letters instructed Mr. Kemp and Mr. Raffensperger — both Republicans — to provide by March 20 a wide range of documents concerning voter roll purges; holds placed on voter registration applications; polling site changes and closings; and other voting-related issues.

The committee also requested all documents related to the potential conflict of interest Mr. Kemp faced in administering an election in which he was a candidate.

“The Committee is particularly concerned by reports that Georgians faced unprecedented challenges with registering to vote and significant barriers to casting their votes during your tenure as secretary of state and during the 2018 election,” Representatives Elijah E. Cummings, the committee chairman, and Jamie Raskin, head of the Subcommittee on Civil Rights and Civil Liberties, wrote to Mr. Kemp.

And they might need a few bad court thingys. And of course once he got to power what did he immediately do? Cater to the Christian right and anti-abortion extremists by signing an absolutely dangerous bill that will have long lasting implications!

Hollywood's elite are joining together to call on Republican governor Brian Kemp to veto Georgia's new anti-abortion heartbeat bill.

Georgia lawmakers approved the legislation, which bars women from abortion procedures if a "fetal heartbeat" is detected--something that can happen as early as six weeks into a pregnancy--on Friday. If enacted, the new law would reduce the amount of time a woman can legally have an abortion in the state by 14 weeks.

Responding to the bill, actress Alyssa Milano started a petition to urge Kemp to veto the bill otherwise she, and others, would not be able to work in Georgia "in good conscience."

Actors Don Cheadle, Debra Messing, Sean Penn and many more signed onto Milano's petition.

The Writers Guild of America also wrote a letter to Kemp, calling for a veto.

[font size="4"]Texas[/font]

Last year’s champion needs absolutely no introduction. The state that can manage to outcrazy Florida always never disappoints in this tournament. But this year injuries and trades have sidelined the champions. So what will it take to bounce back and claim the Batshit Conference title? Well a whole lot of pure, unaltered insanity including a botched voter purge. Yes, they can’t even purge voters correctly in the Lone Star State!

The U.S. House Committee on Oversight and Reform is investigating Texas' botched effort to purge suspected non-citizens from the voter rolls.

“We are disturbed by reports that the secretary of state’s office has taken steps to remove thousands of eligible American voters from the rolls in Texas and that your office received referrals for possible criminal prosecution based on flawed data about Texas voters,” U.S. Rep. Elijah Cummings, a Democrat who chairs the committee, wrote Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton in a letter Thursday.

The committee is requesting a slew of documents from the Texas secretary of state’s office, including any correspondence with Trump administration officials and Paxton’s office. The letter notes the Congressional committee has broad power to investigate “any matter” at “any time.”

The secretary of state’s office didn’t immediately respond to a request for comment. In late January, the office announced it had identified nearly 100,000 suspected non-citizens on the state’s voter rolls. Paxton announced the news on Twitter with the proclamation “VOTER FRAUD ALERT.” President Donald Trump also chimed in, wrongly claiming that all 95,000 people on the list were “non-citizens registered to vote.”

Read more: https://www.mrt.com/news/local/politics/article/Congressional-Democrats-launch-investigation-into-13724240.php

That is true! And by the way, Texas Man might be the new Florida Man. But Texas Man can be way scarier than Florida Man in every way. While we view Florida Man as the funny, weird, quirky, bizarre, meth addicted personality that we’ve all come to know and love, Texas Man takes that and adds insanity and evil. Want proof? Alex Jones is from there. And this guy.

A Dallas spine surgeon accused of earning almost $5 million in bribes and kickbacks from Forest Park Medical Center told a jury he was "baffled" by the allegations and blamed his predicament on overzealous prosecutors and greedy hospital marketers.

Dr. Michael Rimlawi took the witness stand Thursday and Friday during the culmination of a six-week trial and told the jury that the co-marketing of hospitals and doctors is commonplace in the health care industry.

"I'm totally confused why I'm even here," he told jurors. "I never thought for one second it was illegal."

But prosecutors say he knowingly and illegally took the money -- $225,000 per month -- in exchange for bringing his surgeries to the now-defunct, doctor-owned hospital, which needed the expensive procedures to thrive.

Read more: https://www.dallasnews.com/news/crime/2019/03/29/surgeon-forest-park-kickback-trial-quarrels-prosecutor-guys-scare-witnesses

[font size="4"]And The Winner Is…[/font]

Well this is another close game that is going to come down to the wire here! Current score is 65 – 63, with less than a minute to go. Here comes Texas, they shoot… they MISS!!! Oh my god, Texas misses the ball, and here comes Georgia with the rebound. They shoot… they’re in!!!! Georgia hits it just as the clock runs out. Final score 66 – 65, Texas is stunned, they will go home, Georgia moves on to face Kentucky!

[font size="4"]Ohio Vs Alabama[/font]

[font size="4"]Ohio[/font]

The Buckeye State needs no introduction. The state that gave us such universities as Dayton and The Ohio State (don’t you dare forget the “The”), Cincinatti, and Kent State, may be home to some of the most brilliant minds in the country. But there’s also a lot of expanse between the major cities in the Buckeye State. Which means that there’s a lot of rural towns. And with those rural towns comes lots of family values loving, Bible thumping insanity! So just how much does Ohio love its’ children? Well, not a whole lot as much as the love children that are still in the womb.

Overwhelmed by the surge of children who have parents consumed by drug addiction, Ohio’s system of protecting abused and neglected kids is facing a crisis of its own.

A spike in the number of children in foster care — many with more complex needs — along with inadequate funding and overburdened caseworkers, underscores the need for increased spending and reforms, according to a report released Friday by the Public Children Services Association of Ohio.

“We don’t have enough services to prevent kids from coming into care. Families are struggling to access mental-health services, crisis services, autism services at the local level — especially in their own home so kids don’t have to come into care,” said Angela Sausser, the association’s executive director.

“We have so many kids in care — with so many complex needs — that there’s not enough services and providers to address the needs.”

Read more: https://www.dispatch.com/news/20190329/ohio-child-welfare-system-in-crisis-advocates-say

Apparently, you don’t, so stop asking! So let’s explore Ohio hypocrisy here for a minute. They love children and their politicians run on that fact. Just ask Jim Jordan. What? Too soon? Really, sir, that’s the joke you choose to go out on? Fine. But consider this – Ohio considers the fetus so human that they require a disposal of remains after passing. This is shockingly evil.

The Ohio Senate passed a bill Wednesday that would require the burial or cremation of fetal remains after a surgical abortion.

Under Senate Bill 27, which passed 24-7, people who violate the requirement would face a first-degree misdemeanor. Facilities that perform abortions, including workers at public hospitals, could be subject to the charges.

Women seeking abortions would have to express in writing, through a form the Ohio Department of Health develops, whether she wants the fetal remains to be buried or cremated. Minors seeking an abortion would first have to obtain consent from a parent, guardian or court. SB 27 states if a woman declines to “exercise the rights under the bill,” then the abortion facility would have to determine whether to cremate or bury the remains.

The pregnant woman wouldn’t be charged under the bill.

Read more: https://www.cleveland.com/open/2019/03/ohio-senate-passes-bill-to-require-burial-cremation-of-fetal-remains-after-abortion.html

[font size="4"]Alabama[/font]

Alabama is pure Trump country. They were one of the first states to plunk down all their electoral votes in the 2016 election and the politicians they’ve elected since then have been just absolutely batshit crazy and thumping the Bible harder than the other guy. Sure, they may have dodged a huge bullet by electing Doug Jones over Roy Moore but that’s just the beginning. Let’s put it this way, there’s no way that the Yellowhammer State is turning Blue anytime soon. Remember Ohio’s extreme anti-abortion law they passed earlier? Alabama is upping the ante!

Alabama could be the latest state to consider an abortion ban as supporters hope to spark legal challenges to revisit Roe v. Wade, the 1973 U.S. Supreme Court decision that legalized abortion.

Rep. Terri Collins, a Republican from Decatur, said she plans to introduce legislation Tuesday that would make it a felony to perform an abortion in Alabama at any stage of pregnancy. The only exemption would be for the health of the mother.

“This bill just truly confronts Roe versus Wade and it criminalizes abortion,” Collins said. “To me this is an issue the court simply got wrong years ago.”

Collins and Eric Johnston, director of the Alabama Pro-Life Coalition, said the hope is to ignite a legal fight and eventually get the U.S. Supreme Court to revisit the 1973 decision that legalized abortion.

Read more: https://whnt.com/2019/03/30/alabama-lawmakers-seek-ban-on-almost-all-abortions/

Yes that did go south! But guess what? It seems that Alabama don’t care. In fact they don’t care so much that it’s affecting the entire state, and it’s going to affect it for the foreseeable future. Because while Trump is planning to do a huge reversal on America’s health care laws, it seems that Alabama will be one of the worst affected by it. So what can be done about it? Electing new people for one.

Sen. Doug Jones, D-Alabama, said Tuesday that Alabama would be one of the hardest-hit states if President Barack Obama’s 2010 health care law, the Affordable Care Act, is reversed by federal courts.

“If the courts dismantle this law, Alabama is one of the states with the most to lose,” Jones said. “It’s already a challenge for many Alabamians to access the health care they need, particularly in our rural communities.”

Jones’ comments come after President Donald Trump’s administration announced it would ask the federal courts to invalidate the Affordable Care Act. The Justice Department filed the notice to the court late Monday, which seeks to strike down the whole law including Medicaid expansion and protections for those with pre-existing conditions.

“Instead of making that even more difficult, we need to be focusing on making some much-needed improvements to our current system, like lowering the cost of prescription drugs, combating the opioid epidemic, increasing access to rural health care and finally expanding Medicaid in the state of Alabama,” Jones said. “The Administration is playing politics with health care and we have to stand up to protect folks from losing their coverage and the vital protections that the federal health law guarantees.”

Read more: https://www.alreporter.com/2019/03/27/jones-alabama-is-one-of-the-states-with-the-most-to-lose-if-health-care-law-is-reversed/

[font size="4"]And The Winner Is…[/font]

Sorry, Ohio, but Alabama owns this conference, and they have for the last 3 years! They handily hand Ohio their walking papers by routing them with a score of 15. Final score – 81 – 66. The Elite 8 is set people, it’s getting very exciting!!

[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

We begin round 2 play as we take an expanded look at the Gun Nut Conference – Florida Vs Oregon, the winner moves on to the Layover League championship, the loser goes home! We’re live in Reno at the home of the Wolfpack, the Lawlor Arena, for all the action! It’s getting very exciting!

[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]AFI[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen you know my next guest, you can see them on tour with Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds and the Smashing Pumpkins this July and August. Playing their song “Break Angels” from their new EP “The Missing Man”, give it up for AFI!

Thank you Washington DC! This was fun, we’ll be back soon! We’re back in New York City next week! See you next week!


Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: UCB Theater Franklin St, Hollywood, CA
Special Thanks To: UCB Theater Management
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: Bethel Church Band, Salt Lake City
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Reply Top 10 Conservative Idiots #6-13: Donald Trump Live In Grand Rapids Edition (Original post)
Top 10 Idiots Apr 3 OP
irisblue Apr 3 #1
malaise Apr 3 #2
Top 10 Idiots Apr 3 #3
malaise Apr 3 #4

Response to Top 10 Idiots (Original post)

Wed Apr 3, 2019, 05:02 PM

1. Enthusiastic K&R

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Response to Top 10 Idiots (Original post)

Wed Apr 3, 2019, 05:07 PM

2. Kick, Recommend

and bookmark

Love that climbing aircraft stairs gif

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Response to malaise (Reply #2)

Wed Apr 3, 2019, 05:15 PM

3. Not sure if I like that or the TP one more:

Or the umbrella one:

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Response to Top 10 Idiots (Reply #3)

Wed Apr 3, 2019, 05:31 PM

4. Both are priceless

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