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Wed Mar 6, 2019, 06:01 PM

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #6-9: The Art Of The Squeal II: Squeal Harder Edition

Last edited Thu Apr 4, 2019, 03:03 PM - Edit history (3)

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #6-9: The Art Of The Squeal II: Squeal Harder Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Hey websites, please stop asking me to read your updated privacy policy involving cookies because we both know that ain’t happening. Welcome back everyone! Ooh and it’s my favorite segment of the year – time for our annual Stupidest State selection Sunday! Whew!!! OK… so I’m always one to try new things but this reminds me of a classic scene from the Simpsons. Do we have time for the thing? OK so I don’t know if you have seen this viral Twitter post or not but there’s an Uber driver based out of Seattle that’s received a lot of attention for his controversial “ride menu”. And the menu consists of 5 options – the Stand Up ride, where he tells you about some crazy stories he’s been involved in. Then there’s the silent option – where obviously he and you both shut up for the entire ride. That would personally be my pick as long as I could put my headphones on and listen to music. Then there’s the Charlie Brown-esque “Therapy Ride” where he plays psychiatrist and listens to your personal problems. Not my thing but I’m sure there’s people out there like that. Then there’s my favorite – the “Creepy Ride” where you don’t say anything and he stares at you super creepy like during the entire ride. But I really want to see “The Rude Ride”, where he is extremely rude to you the entire ride. Oh I so badly want to know what the “Rude Ride” is like, because you know me, I go for comedy. OK that’s enough of the intro. We have a lot of idiocy to get to this week, but first John Oliver is back and he delves into what’s really coming to take your jobs, and it ain’t illegal immigrants.

Wow, where do we begin this week? Well to start with, Trump’s fixer, Michael Cohen (1) turned the tables on the Mueller investigation and not only squealed, squealed hard on his former boss, we will tell you all about that. Taking the second slot this week, is of course the guy who we currently call president, Donald J. Trump (2) and well, he went to North Korea and threw the parents of Otto Warmbier under the bus while praising Kim Jong Un. Yeah that happened. For the third slot this week, we have to talk about CPAC. Yes, there was a ton of batshit crazy in one room at the annual conference that gives conservatives a platform to say “fuck you liberalism”. In the number 4 slot, everyone’s favorite batshit crazy conspiracy theorist, Alex Jones was on the Joe Rogan podcast and it was quite the stuff of insanity (think Tracy Jordan’s interview with Larry King on 30 Rock level of crazy) and we will break it all down for you. Taking the 5th slot this week, is our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates, and this week – California does everything better including our natural disasters, and two towns are literally drowning in it, in a piece called “The Flooded City”. For the 6th slot this week, we have of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week, our resident pastor is going to do a deep dive and go behind the scenes on a controversial new anti-abortion movie being distributed called “Unplanned” and it’s crazy. Taking the 7th slot this week, we have a new installment of “Beating A Dead Horse” – so Trump wants to sign an executive order for free speech after a TP USA recruiter got punched in the face at UC Berkeley, but like all things he does, it could be a colossal disaster and backfire on him big time. For the number 8 slot this week, we have a new segment – “What’s Up With France?” because we’ve been meaning to get to the Yellow Jacket protests for some time, so we will do that this week! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week we have one of our favorite segments and it’s “People Are Dumb” but this week it’s the “Hey, drink less” version of People Are Dumb. And finally it’s my favorite time of year! It’s that time of year when we throw the doors open to our Stupidest State contest! And this week it’s Selection Sunday! Yes, we will have all the teams, stats, odds, and info that you need to fill out your bracket, and we do encourage gambling here! Plus we have some live music from the Fever 333! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]CPAC Recap: A Whole Lotta Batshit Crazy
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Whew. So…. That happened. In case you’re wondering what I’m talking about, I’m talking about the annual “fuck you liberalism” convention known as the Conservative Political Action Conference, or CPAC. There’s a lot to unpack here, you know, kind of like when you’re moving a medium size business to a new location. Wait, when did we have an electric typewriter? Yeah it’s that kind of unpacking – it’s full of surprises and we’re still finding out things that we didn’t know we had. I mean fuck, we actually had *THIS*:

Here we have it. Somehow conservatives take more offense to kneeling in front of the flag as opposed to treating it like your fuck buddy on the side. Because really, you can't unsee this and it's more offensive than what Colin Kaepernick did. Thank you! But moving on, This might be my favorite thing Trump has said so far.

Yes, he actually made the claim that democrats want a train to Hawaii. Funny, I don’t remember that being part of the party platform! And we’re the crazy ones? GTFO!! By the way if you want a rundown of the crazies things Trump said in his 2 hour rant, there’s this:

38. "You know, somebody said, 'Oh, the speech you made, sir, the State of the Union speech was incredible.' They said it was incredible. They said that was so great."
Who is this "somebody"?
39. "I didn't want to get it approved for a certain reason, because I thought somebody treated me very badly. Very badly. Don't get that vote very often. And I said, you know, I don't want to get it."
Trump is making clear here that he is not happy that he helped get drilling in ANWR approved because Alaska Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R) wanted it to happen and he didn't want her to get something she wanted. Because she doesn't vote with him enough. Totally fine!
40. "By the way, you know I'm building the wall. We're finishing the wall. We got a lot of money. It's in the thing."
It is, indeed, in the thing.
41. "We have people in Congress that hate our country."

Damn straight! Then we had a meeting of Jerry Falwell Jr and Donald Trump Jr, or the meeting of the rich entitled fuckwads who’ve never had to work a day in their life:

Today, CPAC featured a remote panel discussion held at Liberty University that largely consisted of L.U. president and sycophantic Trump supporter Jerry Falwell Jr. interviewing Donald Trump Jr. Though the panel also featured Falwell’s wife, Becki, Trump Jr.’s girlfriend and Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle, and Turning Point USA’s Charlie Kirk, the discussion was completely dominated by Falwell Jr. and Trump Jr., both of whom griped that Democrats had intentionally scheduled a congressional hearing featuring President Trump’s former personal attorney, Michael Cohen, to coincide with the summit that Trump was attending with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un in order to undermine the president.

Falwell Jr. said that if President Obama had been attending such a summit and Republicans had scheduled such a hearing, “everybody would be screaming, ‘That’s treason, you’re working against the United States’ chance to get peace with a nuclear power.'”

“Think about what that does when the other side is seeing that going on simultaneously,” Trump Jr. agreed. “You’re going to have a good negotiation with that going on in the background? But that’s the reality. The left hates Donald Trump much more than they love America. They would rather see failed nuclear peace talks than give Donald Trump even a little bit of a win.”

No, dipshit, we hate Trump because we love America, and Trump is burning down everything that makes this country great. And by the way in case you’re wondering where this is going, look no further than Glenn Beck, seen here doing his best impression of Col. Sanders, where the GOP is taking this country, and well, they’re deranged. I mean seriously they cant even get their horror movie villains right:

Glenn Beck kicked things off at CPAC this morning by attempted to explain the horrors of socialism by likening it to the “Friday The 13th” horror movie series.

“If socialism were a movie, socialism would be ‘Friday The 13th,'” he said, “because it seems to always stalk college co-eds who all think that the death and violence is just a scary story that never happened. And they are so convinced that it will never happen to them that they mock the old person—the one person in town who saw it first hand—they call him crazy, a nut who still believes in ghost stories.”

“And then, they’re all dead,” Beck continued. “And then Jason, his body disappears, and only the old guy who saw it coming saw that the body is gone. And we have sequel after sequel, it happens time and again, in movie theater after movie theater, and in country after country.”

“Stop trying to hook up in some cabin in the woods and prepare, because Jason is coming,” Beck warned. “He’s right behind you, and this time he’s coming with a hammer and a sickle.”

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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The guy who we currently call president, Donald J. Trump, had quite the week. We already saw how completely unhinged he was at CPAC (and the democrats are the crazy ones, right… ). But we got to talk about the other thing he did which was meet with murderous psychopathic dictator Kim Jong Un, who Trump calls a “swell guy!!”. The greatest ever! What, are they gonna bone? Bump uglies? Well the bromance between the two was in full swing in Hanoi last week:

With nervous world capitals looking on, President Donald Trump and North Korea’s Kim Jong Un are beginning their second nuclear summit with a one-on-one discussion and an intimate dinner as hard questions swirl about what the American president will demand and Pyongyang might be willing to give up.

The two leaders and their aides encamped in Hanoi after long journeys by plane, train and automobile — Trump on Air Force One, Kim in an armored railcar and limousine — for two days of talks addressing perhaps the world’s biggest security challenge: Kim’s nuclear program that stands on the verge of realistically threatening targets around the planet.

Although many experts are skeptical Kim will give up the nuclear weapons he likely sees as his best guarantee of continued rule, there was a palpable, carnival-like excitement among many in Hanoi as final preparations were made for Wednesday’s summit opening. There were also huge traffic jams in the already congested streets.

Trump was opening his visit in morning meetings with Vietnam’s president and prime minister before turning his attention to Kim. Official greetings with the normally reclusive leader will give way to a short one-on-one discussion before what’s being described as a social dinner with an exclusive guest list. The White House said Trump will be joined at the dinner by Secretary of State Mike Pompeo and acting White House chief of staff Mick Mulvaney. Kim, too, will have two aides with him, and there will be translators for each side.

So Trump is cozying up to murderous dictators like Kim Jong Un. Now you might be thinking “HEY! That sounds straight out of Russia’s playbook!” Well, the answer to that question is – you are absolutely correct about that!

Moscow confirmed plans Monday for North Korean leader Kim Jong Un to visit Russia for a meeting, the details of which are still unclear.

"There is no clarity now. The contacts have been ongoing through diplomatic channels. Indeed, this visit is on the agenda and there was an invitation," Kremlin spokesman Dmitry Peskov told reporters, according to Russian news agency TASS. "We hope that in the near future the exact date and venue will be agreed on through diplomatic channels."

Russian President Vladimir Putin said earlier that Kim had been invited to Russia, although he has not given details on what the leaders planned to discuss, according to TASS.

The North Korean leader finished his second summit with President Trump in Hanoi, Vietnam, last week.

Yes that’s Putin’s playbook all right! But the big message we got here was Trump’s treatment of Otto Warmbier. Remember him? Well, by cozying up to Un, Trump is basically throwing Mr. Warmbier’s parents under the bus. Just like he did with the parents of Katie Steinle. Guess that’s part of the art of the deal? Well it’s a bit more complicated than that.

When Otto Warmbier was returned to the United States in 2017 and died shortly afterward, President Donald Trump condemned the North Korean regime for the imprisonment and suspected torture of the college student who was arrested in 2015 for alleged spying.

"You are powerful witnesses to a menace that threatens our world, and your strength inspires us all," Trump said, addressing Warmbier's parents, during his 2018 State of the Union address. "Tonight, we pledge to honor Otto's memory with American resolve." He added in that same speech: "We need only look at the depraved character of the North Korean regime to understand the nature of the nuclear threat it could pose to America and our allies."

Fast forward to Thursday in Hanoi, when, at a summit with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, Trump said this of Warmbier and North Korea: "He tells me that he didn't know about it and I will take him at his word." Trump added that Kim "felt badly about it. He felt very badly."

Yeah go ahead, stick your thumbs up at that one. The GOP and Trump basically told Otto Warmbier and his parents to go fuck himself. But this will haunt Trump for the remainder of his days. Every presidency has someone like this. But the difference? Before now, none of them had access to social media the way we do in the Trump era.

President Trump on Friday sought to clean up his widely criticized claim that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un did not know about the treatment of U.S. college student Otto Warmbier, saying “I hold North Korea responsible” for Warmbier’s “mistreatment and death.”

In a pair of tweets, Trump claimed that his initial comments at a Thursday news conference following his failed nuclear summit with Kim were “misinterpreted.”

Trump’s new comments, however, do not directly address whether he believes Kim bears responsibility for the death of Warmbier, who died in 2017 shortly after being released from a 17-month stint in a North Korean prison. He had been sentenced to 15 years of hard labor after allegedly stealing a propaganda poster while on a tour of Pyongyang in January 2016.

Asked about Warmbier during his post-summit news conference in Hanoi, Vietnam, Trump said he took Kim at his word that the North Korean leader was unaware of Warmbier’s treatment in prison.

“He knew the case very well. But he knew it later,” Trump said of Kim. “And, you know, you’ve got a lot of people. Big country. Lot of people. And in those prisons and those camps, you have a lot of people. And some really bad things happened to Otto. Some really bad things."

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[font size="8"]Michael Cohen
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Trump is a classic mob boss. He’s got his ass kissers (Hannity, etc), his unhinged attorney (Giuliani), he’s got his clean up guys (the Christian right), and he’s also got people who are his fixers. One such guy is his former attorney Michael Cohen. We’ve previously covered Michael Cohen squealing against his former boss in Idiots #5-22. If that’s the Art Of The Squeal, think of this as its’ next logical sequel, The Art Of The Squeal II: Squeal Harder.

A lawyer for Michael Cohen first broached the idea of a pardon with President Donald Trump's legal team, two people familiar with the matter tell NBC News, and the ensuing pardon discussions are now under examination by House and Senate intelligence committees.

The Wall Street Journal reported Tuesday that Cohen’s lawyer, Stephen Ryan, first mentioned the idea of a pardon with the Trump legal team in the weeks after the April raid on Cohen’s home and office, and that the president’s lawyers, including Jay Sekulow, Rudy Giuliani and Joanna Hendon, dismissed the idea. But at least one of them, Giuliani, left open the possibility that the president could grant Cohen one in the future, the Journal reported.

NBC News spoke to three people, one of whom is familiar with what Cohen told the House and Senate intelligence committees, one of whom is familiar with Cohen’s account, and one of whom is familiar with the account of Trump’s legal team.

Yes that is a good question! We all know that Trump has the worst attorneys and Michael Cohen is no exception. But what this does bring into question is how much did this hurt Trump? Well if you’re guessing very little to no damage, you’re probably correct.

Poet Maya Angelou made a lot of profound remarks during her literary career. But the one that has always stuck with me is what she said indirectly about apologies.

“When people show you who they are, believe them,” she once said. When quoting Angelou, most people just end it there. Out of context, the statement begs an answer to whether an apology can reverse what someone has shown himself to be.

We have been asked to forgive a lot of people lately. Along with Roseanne Barr, the most difficult for me has been Michael Cohen, Donald Trump’s former personal lawyer and self-proclaimed henchman.

If we are to believe him, Cohen did Trump’s dirty work for 12 years, acting as the go-between for questionable activities targeting anyone who stood in the way of the businessman’s quest to make an extra dollar. Now, Cohen says he is sorry.


But here’s where it gets weird, because, why wouldn’t it? Michael Cohen apparently sought a pardon from Trump last year and Trump wouldn’t give it to him. I mean gee, I really wonder why? Usually when you turn against a mob boss, the first priority is to give you the cement shoes, not a get out of jail free card!

An attorney for Michael Cohen raised the idea of a pardon with President Donald Trump’s lawyers after federal authorities raided Cohen’s residence and office in April, The Wall Street Journal reported, citing people familiar with the talks.

Congress is now investigating those conversations, documents requested by the House Judiciary Committee revealed on Monday, the Journal said.

The pardon discussions happened as Cohen’s attorney at that time, Stephen Ryan, was working with Trump’s lawyers to determine whether documents seized by the FBI during the April raid were protected by attorney-client privilege, sources told the Journal.

The report comes days after Cohen told lawmakers on Capitol Hill last week that he never asked for a pardon from Trump, and that he would not accept one. The Journal article noted there was no evidence that Cohen himself asked for a pardon or was aware of the alleged pardon discussions.

Yeah but the bottom line here is don’t squeal. I mean you know the old elementary school adage about how snitches get stitches. Just… don’t go there. But if you do go there, just make sure you have backup otherwise your boss will go down with the ship, and take you with him!

Analysts are still picking through all the crimes in which Michael Cohen directly implicated his former boss, President Donald Trump. Among the most significant crimes are those offences that were part of the articles of impeachment written for prior presidents. That historically notorious list includes acts of suborning perjury and obstructing justice, which can arise from either directing or encouraging a person to lie to federal authorities. It is for this reason that Cohen is apparently now searching through different electronic versions of his draft congressional testimony from 2017 to show that Trump’s other personal lawyers at the time edited Cohen’s written testimony to mislead Congress.

If and when those drafts are presented to Congress, it will be important to scan not only for what they said about the Moscow Tower deal, but also the passages on “collusion” more broadly. That’s because Cohen also testified last week that the President told Cohen, who was also one of Trump’s personal lawyers at the time, to lie to Congress in 2017 about his knowledge or beliefs about collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia.

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[font size="8"]Alex Jones
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It’s been a while since we checked in with our old buddy Alex Jones, who has gone considerably more and more off the deep end. It’s like that superhero movie where everyone has a point where they hit rock bottom. Deadpool 2 had a great bit about this. “It’s like in the Human Centipede, when those people signed on to be in that movie”. This may be no human centipede, but it’s definitely what one might call a clusterfuck. So, Alex Jones wouldn’t exist without Joe Rogan, and Joe Rogan wouldn’t exist without Alex Jones. Well, the two have been in a ridiculous feud over the last month and it is quite magical. Here’s how it started.

"I came here, and I proved they're keeping babies alive and taking their organs," Jones said. "The Senate voted Monday to keep it legal...They f***ing did it, Bravo. And you can't f***ng admit they're killing already-born kids, so you're telling me it isn't real when they had a f***ing vote in the god***n f***ing Senate."

"That's a conspiracy theory," Bravo responds.

"I am ready to beat your f***ing ass," Jones answers. "You think you're f***ing tough, you're about to get it. Bull***t, they're killing already-born babies. Stop f***ing lying, god f***ing d***it. I'm getting pissed now."

Bravo later said he believed that politicians were campaigning for late-term abortions. "I'm being the ultimate skeptic."

When contacted for comment, an InfoWars representative sent Newsweek articles about late-term abortion, including a Slate report dating to 2012. "I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you are simply ignorant, and not malicious or mentally challenged. Please educate yourself before you accuse people of promoting conspiracy theories, and maybe We The People will start respecting you, instead of holding you in derision and contempt for being fake news," the representative wrote. "This was already a thing in 2012."

Whew. That escalated quickly! And what is it with these guys and child molesters? It seems like everything comes back to that. Think of it like 6 Degrees Of Kevin Bacon, except there’s just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is a satanic interdimensional child molestor! So like all celebrity feuds, it escalated very quickly.

Like two neutron stars slowly pulled together by their mutual gravity, orbiting around each other before collapsing together and obliterating everything in space around them, Alex Jones and Joe Rogan are beefing.

I suppose this turn from the former pals was destined once Jones got 86'd from every respectable content mill on the Internet and thus became a little too hot to handle. Jones will yell at anyone (dead children included) if it’s good for business, and his totalizing worldview—or, rather, the totalizing worldview he hustles to the saddest and most gullible people online—dictates that anyone opposed to him is an agent of George Soros or the deep state or the gay frogs or whatever.

Jones and Rogan have, by their own admissions, been friends or at least acquaintances since the early 2000s, and they’ve appeared on each other’s shows (I don’t know the context for this picture, but it’s tremendous.) The trouble started last summer, shortly before Jones was banned. In a podcast with Dave Rubin last June, Rogan was critical of Jones’s Sandy Hook truthering (of which he says he was unaware when Jones came on his show in 2017) as well as muffuletta-brained conspiracy theorist Roseanne Barr’s insistence that Holocaust survivor George Soros was a Nazi.

Yeah Alex probably needs to stop talking. Especially when he and Joe Rogan kissed and made up and Joe Rogan invited Alex over to his podcast, and well, he went off the rails. I mean was he smoking some good covfefe or bad covfefe? I don’t know, don’t ask me how that shit works!

As Alex spluttered his way through his misunderstanding of news headlines and sci-fi stories, Rogan nodded along, assuring Jones that he wasn’t mocking him. “I believe you,” was the most Rogan had to add to this conversation, other than validating Jones’ sob story of facing consequences for labeling the grieving parents of school shooting victims as “crisis actors.”

Jones being barring from Twitter, Facebook and YouTube, along with facing a defamation lawsuit or two, has caused the man to dramatically shift his position on Sandy Hook. But he’s still a firm believer in just about every conspiracy theory out there, with the amusing exception of Flat Earth. As delusional as he is, even Alex Jones knows the shape of the world.

Listening to Jones’ barrage of mouth diarrhea, an imaginative blend of Nazis, aliens, human-animal hybrids, psychedelics and pedophilia, one is left only with an impression that we live in a terrifying, chaotic world, crushed under the weight of the rich and powerful.

Really, that concept isn’t too far removed from the truth; all Jones does is add some sci-fi and fantasy elements to the mix, supported by his insanely energetic delivery. He’s a storyteller, his worldview not too dissimilar from the overarching plotline of the Marvel universe, a tale of aliens, gods, and intelligent machines, albeit with an extremely sinister undertone of racial IQ pseudoscience.

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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: The Flooded City
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!

California just does everything better. Including our natural disasters. You may have tornadoes and hurricanes. We have intense rains, floods, fires, mudslides, and the possibility of disastrous earthquakes and tsunamis, both of which we’ve been warned about since the dawn of time. And for our troubles, what does president Donald Trump give us? Basically a rock while his favorite states get the A+ treatment. Yes, this is a real thing. And what happens? He ignores disasters like this. Recent downpours in the Central Valley, near the Russian River area of the state, have turned the life of two cities upside down and inside out as intense flooding has led to this.

The raging Russian River, swollen to near its highest level in a quarter-century, flooded 2,000 homes, killing at least one person and turning parts of two northern California towns into "islands," this week, forcing residents to use kayaks and canoes instead of cars.

After reaching its crest of 45.3 feet late Wednesday — about 15 feet above flood stage — the river slowly receded Thursday.

California Gov. Gavin Newsom declared an emergency for five of the flooded counties. Officials ordered about 3,500 people to evacuate and about 2,000 homes, businesses and other structures were flooded up to 8 feet deep.

Located about 80 miles west of Sacramento, the towns of Guerneville and neighboring Monte Rio were the two hardest-hit communities. Residents paddled kayaks down watery streets on Thursday, but people should be able to drive to the towns Friday, officials said. Another half inch of rain may fall in the North Bay late Friday and early Saturday, the National Weather Service said, but not enough to significantly raise main rivers.

Yes so there’s two towns – Guernville and Monte Rio, both of which have been cut off and are now only accessible by boat. Thanks to the Russian River being at the highest level that it’s been in decades, maybe even a century. But people close to the ciites have painted a far grimmer portrait of what life is like in these towns.

The Russian River rose to its highest level in a generation late Wednesday, flooding storm-battered neighborhoods up and down the main stem and turning several lower river towns into islands disconnected from the rest of Sonoma County because floodwater and mudslides closed major roads.

Thousands of people were displaced as the roiling river escaped its banks and flattened into a broad expanse of brown plasma that swept through vineyards, riverside neighborhoods and other low-lying areas, swamping cars and picking up all kinds of debris, including a dumpster and port-a-potties seen carried away in the swift current.

The river crested at 45.5 feet at 10 p.m. after three days of staggering rainfall that in the wettest areas west of Healdsburg surpassed 20 inches.

Even Santa Rosa boasted a three-day total of 8.76 inches from the atmospheric river that stalled overhead, the National Weather Service said.

The resulting flood is now on record as the worst since New Year’s Day 1997, during which the river rose to 45 feet in Guerneville, and the sixth worst since 1940. The largest flood recorded occurred in 1986, when the lower river there crested at 49.5 feet.

Unfortunately that didn’t really happen though. The reality of this is far worse than you might think. But if you think the worst is yet to happen, you haven’t seen anything yet. We have more than the worst possible outcome ahead of us. What we are seeing in Guernville and Monte Rio is only the beginning, expect things to get much worse.

Major flooding along the Russian River in Sonoma County, California, has prompted evacuations and left two towns accessible only by boat.

County officials issued a mandatory evacuation order for the Russian River area, following a massive mudslide near Monte Rio on Tuesday.

A state of emergency was declared for Sonoma, Amador, Glenn, Lake and Mendocino Counties on Thursday following the destructive flooding and mudslides.

Following relentless rainfall, the Russian River quickly surpassed major flood stage early Wednesday. On Wednesday night, the river exceeded 45 feet - nearly 14 feet above flood stage. The river is now receding.

A slow-moving storm moved into the West Coast, and brought heavy rainfall that has occurred over northern and central California [Monday and Tuesday], according to AccuWeather Senior Meteorologist Frank Strait.

That is more like it. And if you do live in an area that’s prone to intense flooding, you might want to come prepared as well, it could get worse. And there’s no amount of Go Fund Me or insurance you can get that could possibly fix what’s about to happen. Insurance may cover your house and all of your possessions, but what happens if your entire town is fucked? Be prepared, because the worst is yet to come!

Scientists call it California’s “other big one,” and they say it could cause three times as much damage as a major earthquake ripping along the San Andreas Fault.

Although it might sound absurd to those who still recall five years of withering drought and mandatory water restrictions, researchers and engineers warn that California may be due for rain of biblical proportions — or what experts call an ARkStorm.

This rare mega-storm — which some say is rendered all the more inevitable due to climate change — would last for weeks and send more than 1.5 million people fleeing as floodwaters inundated cities and formed lakes in the Central Valley and Mojave Desert, according to the U.S. Geological Survey. Officials estimate the structural and economic damage from an ARkStorm (for Atmospheric River 1,000) would amount to more than $725 billion statewide.

In heavily populated areas of the Los Angeles Basin, epic runoff from the San Gabriel Mountains could rapidly overwhelm a flood control dam on the San Gabriel river and unleash floodwaters from Pico Rivera to Long Beach, says a recent analysis by the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers.

That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.

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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you why the holiest among us are also the most full of:

My fair congregation!! You know we live in troubled times right now and nothing helps you relax more than a good book or film does. And they’re all just entertainment. Or are they? You know our brothers and sisters on the right are planning something in that world because they claim that Hollywood doesn’t speak to them. Well, they are planning a movie called “Unplanned”. Which they claim is a love story that involves abortion. As Deadpool said, all great movies start with a vicious murder don’t they? There is always that. But what is going on with this movie? We shall find out!

Former Planned Parenthood employee turned pro-life advocate Abby Johnson revealed back in September that she was working on a film that would chronicle her journey. This week, Pure Flix released the trailer for “Unplanned,” a movie Johnson hopes will inform and inspire viewers.

“Unplanned” will hit theaters everywhere March 29.

As Faithwire previously reported, the $6 million production was secretly completed in Oklahoma. The low-key filming process was deemed necessary given Johnson’s unpopular testimony — she’s already been sued by Planned Parenthood once.

Former Planned Parenthood Director Reveals Why She’s Desperate for People to Escape the Abortion Industry

Johnson, a former clinic director at Planned Parenthood, quit her practice after watching a procedure take place via ultrasound. In that moment, she realized that what she thought was compassionate women’s health care was really a deceptive industry that harmed and exploited women and children.

I mean seriously, guys. This is about as horrible as it gets. Can I get an amen??? And if you want to see something really fucked up guess what kind of rating this movie got? It got an R rating for it contains matter of a sensitive subject and I mean even it makes the good LAWRD cringe!

One of Hollywood’s biggest faith-based film studios has found itself in an unlikely battle with the movie industry’s higher power: The ratings board.

Pure Flix, the Christian-aimed studio behind PG-rated box office hits like God’s Not Dead 2 and The Case for Christ, was recently informed that next month’s anti-abortion drama Unplanned would receive an R rating, the first in the studio’s history. That could make it a tough sell for the company’s traditional family-friendly audience.

According to a report in The Hollywood Reporter, the controversial Unplanned received the rating due to a series of graphic abortion scenes. The R was handed down by the Motion Picture Association of America, the decades-old trade association that’s responsible for providing guidance for theater owners and parents. Most American theaters won’t exhibit films unless they have an official MPAA rating of G, PG, PG-13, or R (an R stipulates that theater owners not allow anyone under 17, unless they’re accompanied by a parent or guardian).

The ratings board includes less than a dozen voting members, all of them parents, who discuss the film after screening it. Filmmakers can contest their rating, but the appeals process can slow a film’s release, and doesn’t always result in a new rating.

Yes, WTF LOL indeed! So if we extrapolate this, a pregnant teenager can get an abortion but can’t go see a movie about getting an abortion! I mean even the good LAWRD JAYSUS right now is going “Well that’s pretty fucked up!”. And yes we can swear in my church, good sir! And if you cant handle the heat, you really need a safe space. And by the way, if conservative parents need to have movie ratings explained to them, they really need to get out more!

The organization says the R-rating on 'Unplanned' was for "some disturbing/bloody images" and was in no way politically motivated.

Pure Flix Entertainment, the family-friendly label known for distributing God’s Not Dead and a few dozen other movies aimed at Christians, will release its first R-rated film next month — and it is none too happy about having to do so.

The film, Unplanned, tells the true story of Abby Johnson, who defected from Planned Parenthood to become a pro-life activist. While the filmmakers were certain they were making a PG-13 film, the MPAA has informed them that it will, in fact, be rated R unless all scenes of abortions are removed or altered.

The filmmakers are refusing to change anything, putting Pure Flix in the awkward position of having to open an R-rated movie on March 29. The company's other releases, roughly two dozen movies, were all rated G, PG or PG-13.

So apparently they have no idea how ratings work because they’ve never made a movie with graphic images before. And then, well, do you think Abby Johnson’s story might be, well fabricated? Of course it is, because the film industry lies, and lying is a SIN!!! It is one of the most egregious of SINS!!! And that is a no in the eyes of the LAWRD!

At lunchtime on October 5, in the East Texas town of Bryan, a woman walked through the rear door of the Brazos Valley Coalition for Life office, which is one block west of a Planned Parenthood clinic. She was crying. It was the thirteenth day of the Coalition’s annual 40 Days for Life event, in which anti-abortion activists maintain a 24-hour vigil outside the front gate of the clinic, one of the few places in East Texas where a woman can obtain an abortion. The three staffers on duty immediately recognized the woman. It was the clinic’s 29-year-old director, Abby Johnson. “I want out,” she told them. “I don’t want to do this anymore. I know it’s not right.”

Stunned by Johnson’s sudden appearance and concerned about how distraught she seemed, the staffers sat with her, in a room ordinarily used to counsel pregnant women in crisis, until Shawn Carney, the Coalition’s director, arrived. Carney knew Johnson by sight—he had spent a lot of time on the sidewalk in front of the Planned Parenthood clinic—but he had never had a lengthy conversation with her. Carney, who is 27, had begun working at the Coalition as a volunteer, just as Johnson had at Planned Parenthood. Like Johnson, he had quickly been promoted to a position of leadership. Nothing like this had ever happened to him in his short career as an activist, and he could barely contain his excitement.

And that is a good question oh LAWRD!!! There you go! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That is it this week for:

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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse
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Conservatives want to hold America’s colleges and universities accountable for their choices in freedom of speech issues. Here’s the thing, Nazis, you have every right to say what you want to say just as much as I have a right to call you a Nazi! See what I did there? The thing is, conservatives can cry free speech all they want to, that doesn’t mean that anyone has to pay attention to what you have to say. I mean comedians will tell you that. You can stand up and get in front of a room and say literally anything you want. Does that mean people will listen to you or what you have to say? No, they’re taking pictures of their food and posting them on Instagram! So what has got their underwear in a wad this week?

President Donald Trump vowed Saturday to sign an executive order requiring colleges and universities to "support free speech" in order to be eligible for federal research dollars.
"If they want our dollars, and we give it to them by the billions, they've got to allow people like Hayden and many other great young people and old people to speak," Trump said in part of his two-hour long speech at the Conservative Political Action Conference in National Harbor, Maryland.

The President did not offer any more details on the order.

Trump was referring to Hayden Williams, a conservative activist who recently made headlines after he was allegedly punched in the face at the University of California Berkeley earlier this week. The President brought Williams out as he made the announcement.

"Ladies and gentlemen, he took a hard punch in the face for all of us," Trump said.

Oh oh please go on!!! See, America’s colleges and universities are places of inclusion, and they don’t want your messages of hate. If you start preaching hate, you’re gonna get punched in the face, it’s a fact of life, Trump, and the sooner you face that the better. Now if you extrapolate this, let’s take a look at the incident that got Mr. Williams punched in the face:

A 28-year-old man has been arrested on a felony warrant in Berkeley after a search for the person who assaulted a conservative man on UC Berkeley’s campus, authorities said.

Zachary Greenberg was arrested Friday and was being held in Alameda County jail on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon likely to produce great bodily injury, according to the university.

Greenberg allegedly approached Hayden Williams on Feb. 19 in Sproul Plaza as Williams stood in front of a table for the conservative group Turning Point USA.

According to a viral video of the incident, Williams began filming the altercation and was shoved and punched in the face by the man authorities later identified as Greenberg.

Whoa whoa whoa… Turning Point USA is still a thing? You mean those guys who got ridiculed for wearing diapers at Kent State? Those people? Why am I not surprised? And why am I also not surprised that Trump has made this his pet cause? Well let’s expand on what was being said that led him to getting punched. Yeah I know it’s Fox News, but fuck it, I’ve got a show to do here!

Hayden Williams, 26, who was assaulted while helping recruit conservatives at U-C Berkeley, told Fox News that places of higher learning are aggressively hostile to diversity of thought.

“I can tell you firsthand, over the past few months I’ve been doing this, and this is a very disturbing trend at multiple universities across the country,” he said Monday on “The Todd Starnes Show” about the xenophobia that conservatives are experiencing on college campuses.

Two men last Tuesday approached his table at the University of California, Berkeley where the activist was recruiting members to the conservative group Turning Point USA, although he is not a member himself. An argument ensued and Williams held up his cell phone and began filming the two men who were allegedly harassing him.

One of the two men knocked over the table, police said, and then punched Williams several times, causing injuries to his face. Much of the incident was captured on a witness’ cellphone.

There really is a Simpsons GIF for everything! And you know here’s the thing – assault, even if you’re punching a Nazi, isn’t cool. And neither is this. Trump could open a huge can of worms that wasn’t meant to be open by signing this order, because guess what? Freedom of speech applies to both sides! I have a right to freedom of speech as much as you do. But Trump doesn’t care, he thinks he is only president of Fox News viewers and that’s about it. What do actual colleges think of this? Well, it could be a disaster!

President Trump's announcement of an executive order that threatens to cut off federal research money from colleges that do not support free speech has drawn criticism from different corners of academe, including proponents of campus speech, like Robert J. Zimmer, president of the University of Chicago and an avid free-speech champion.

This past weekend Trump announced his plan for the executive order at the annual Conservative Political Action Conference. He presented the plan after discussing an incident in which a volunteer with the conservative group Turning Point USA, Hayden Williams, was punched in the face last month in the middle of Sproul Plaza, at the University of California at Berkeley.

In an email to the Chicago campus expressing his concern, Zimmer wrote that the executive order "would be a grave error for the short and the long run."

"I believe that any action by the executive branch that interferes with the ability of higher-education institutions to address this problem themselves is misguided and in fact sets a very problematic precedent," Zimmer wrote.

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[font size="8"]What’s Up With France?
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Oui, oui!!! Welcome, misour and madam. Because we are going to find out exactly what is going on with the riots in Paris. We are going to find out what is going on in Gay Pariee! Because the French people are not happy with their president, and are fueled by hate on social media. Oh fuck it, I cannot do a proper French accent. But I am wearing this ridiculous artist getup because we got to talk about what the fuck is up with France. So before we get into what’s going on exactly, who are the Yellow Jackets and what do they want?

President Emmanuel Macron is once again finding that the French do not respond well to reform.

Thousands of demonstrators known as "Yellow Jackets" due to their fluorescent garb descended into the streets across France over the weekend to protest planned tax hikes on gas.

In Paris, the rallies turned violent Saturday with blazes set on the world-famous Champs-Élysées avenue while masked protesters waved the French flag. Police responded to skirmishes with water cannons and tear gas. More than 100 people were arrested.


The “Yellow Jacket” activists — named after the neon vests French drivers are obliged to carry in their vehicles in the case of roadside emergencies — want Macron to call off the tax increases.

Motorists have blocked highways across the country since Nov. 17, setting up barricades and deploying conveys of slow-moving trucks.

Around 280,000 protested in the streets across the country that day, with 106,000 people attending rallies on Saturday, according to French Interior Minister Christophe Castaner.

Well that is a good question! Apparently these guys are. It started all over a tax and then somehow the original meaning of the protests got lost. But how ugly is it getting? Well it’s veering dangerously into ape territory as feces are being flung at law enforcement officials, which goes to answer the old grade school question “who flung poo?” Well these guys did!

Furious protesters threw human waste in bags at police, with up to three officers reported to have been covered in the excrement during a violent clash. Police trade union official Rudy Manna said: “Three policemen were soaked through with it. “The policemen were deeply humiliated.” He added those responsible were among 1,000 protesters and could not be identified as a result.

The incident happened on Saturday when the officers hit were attempting to shepherd protesters away from a public area in Marseille, southern France.

Local police in Marseille confirmed the disturbing claims, and added one policeman even suffered an elbow injury when hit by a “poop-filled projectile”.

Similar incidents have also been reported during Yellow Vest protests around France.

Police said on social media demonstrators have been arming themselves with “cacatovs”, Molotov cocktails but filled with caca.

Oh sure it’s all harmless fun until poop and Molotov cocktails are involved. I get the Molotov cocktails – the melee weapon of choice, but why do you have to bring poop into it? That just makes you look crazy, and that’s about it. But really this has gone on long enough, but how much worse can it get? Oh it can get a whole lot worse!

For more than three months, Yellow Vest protesters have been demonstrating against French President Emmanuel Macron’s government. For Act 16 of the protests, the Paris local government authorised a route from the Arc de Triomphe to Place Denfert-Rochereau in the south of the city.

The Facebook group “Yellow Vests Act 16: Insurrection”, meanwhile, had called on demonstrators to “go back to the movement’s roots” with the “spontaneous” approach that “scared the government” with undeclared protests at unauthorised sites in November and December.

Demonstrations were also planned in cities throughout France, including Marseille, Nice, Bordeaux, Strasbourg, Nantes and Toulouse. In the northeastern city of Lille, protest organisers called on Yellow Vests throughout the region – as well as in neighbouring countries such as Belgium and Germany – to converge on the city. “The fight is international”, said a statement on the Facebook event page for the Lille demonstrations.

According to Interior Ministry figures, 39,300 Yellow Vest protesters demonstrated nationwide on Saturday, including 4,000 in Paris. The numbers are down slightly from last Saturday, when 46,600 protesters took to the streets across France, including 5,800 in the capital. The official figures are generally disputed by the Yellow Vests.

Yeah that’s kind of about how it’s going over there in France. Although I do not want to be a downer, there is some good news in all of this. In fact these psychopaths’ protests are actually good for French President Emmanuel Macron, because, guess what? His popularity is increasing because of these protests. Say what?

PARIS (Reuters) - French President Emmanuel Macron’s popularity has recovered to levels not seen since “yellow vest” protests broke out in mid-November as support for movement wanes, a poll showed on Monday.

The share of people who consider Macron a good president rose to 32 percent this month, where his popularity was when the protests first started, the Odoxa poll showed.

His popularity has crept higher since hitting 27 percent - the lowest point so far in his presidency - in December as protesters rampaged through central Paris and other cities smashing windows and burning cars.

Macron has faced the biggest challenge to his authority from the protests, which started over the high cost of living but spread into a broader movement against the 41-year-old former investment banker and his pro-business reform drive.

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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!

Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. And we could do this every week because there’s tons of these stories and they’re all insane. But I want to start with this story coming out of North Carolina. So… Girl Scouts, what’s up? Especially when they work in the freezing cold weather. And this guy thought he was doing a good deed by buying their whole supply of Girl Scout cookies and well, it turned out to have the opposite effect because he was wanted for multiple counts of drug possession.

A good Samaritan who bought a trove of cookies from shivering Girl Scouts on Friday evening was arrested Tuesday on federal drug charges, according to the Drug Enforcement Administration. Detric Lee McGowan was charged with conspiracy to import and distribute fentanyl, heroin and cocaine. He was also charged with racketeering and conspiracy to defraud the United States.

Tuesday's charges are unrelated to McGowan's generosity on Friday, when he bought an entire stock of cookies from Girl Scouts in front of a Greenville, South Carolina, grocery store so the girls wouldn't have to continue standing in the cold.

"Nobody was hurt. Nobody was threatened," Karen Kelly, a vice president of the local Girl Scouts chapter, said in an interview with the Greenville News. "We had no reason to believe that this man was anything other than one of our valuable customers. . . . This is now in the hands of law enforcement and of course we will cooperate with authorities."

Local media reported Tuesday evening that the DEA confirmed McGowan's arrest that day and confirmed he was the man who appeared in the viral social media photo, adding a bizarre coda to a story that was, fleetingly, feel-good.

On Friday, the 8-year-olds were behind the booth for nearly two hours when a man believed to be McGowan exited the BI-LO supermarket. He bought seven boxes of cookies and handed the girls $40, telling them to keep the change, recalled Kayla Dillard, a troop co-leader who was supervising the sale.

Yeah so maybe if you’re wanted for drug possession, maybe don’t do anything that will get you on the news. You should probably lay low and go to a safe house. Next up – we go to our favorite state of Florida because you know they always bring the crazy. And this is one of those stories “Hey how did that get up there?” Well… here’s your answer!

Wesley Dasher Scott, 40, was busted in early-January on separate warrants charging him with possessing marijuana and drugs without a prescription. While being frisked by an arresting officer, Scott denied having any illegal items hidden on (or in) his body.

However, during a subsequent strip search at the county lockup, Scott "removed three syringes from his rectum and provided them" to a jailer. But while he had fished the items from inside his body, Scott claimed the syringes “were not his.”

Seen above, Scott did not reveal who purportedly owned the needles (or where he supposedly found them). In addition to the existing drug counts, Scott was charged with introducing contraband into a correctional facility, a felony.

But prosecutors subsequently opted not to pursue the contraband charge against Scott. The brief declination notice came as Scott agreed to a plea deal on the pot and prescription drug charges. Scott was sentenced to 40 days in jail and ordered to pay $550 in fines in connection with the misdemeanor convictions.

Well that’s a pretty obvious answer to that question! Next up – creepers! And look… here’s the thing if you’re going to be a creeper, there’s no good way to talk yourself out of the situation if you get caught creeping. And if you do get caught, maybe I don’t know, don’t wear anything that’s easily identifiable, like a gorilla costume!

A man allegedly broke into a Louisiana home wearing a gorilla costume and hid under a bed before police arrested him.

The Sulphur Police Department said it got a call about a suspicious person allegedly wearing the get-up, going in and out of yards and peering into homes, according to KDFM. Police identified the man as Jeremie Moran.

When police approached Moran and told him to stop, he allegedly went through the front door of a home. Since the back door was also open, cops initially believed Moran had left the house.

After doing a search, authorities said they found Moran hiding under a mattress, dressed in a gorilla suit. He was arrested and booked on several charges, including resisting an officer, unauthorized entry and meth possession, the Associated Press reported.

It is unclear if Moran has a lawyer.


Yeah well he probably already has a lawyer. But really don’t go creeping is the takeaway that you should get from this story. And you know what else is fucked up? This isn’t the first story involving a gorilla suit this week! Because everything is funnier when a gorilla suit is involved. You got marital problems? Put on a gorilla suit. Get in trouble at work? Gorilla suit. And this. Gorilla suit.

Police in Sulphur, a city about 20 miles east of the Texas border, responded Wednesday evening to a call about a suspicious man--dressed in an all-black outfit--prowling around homes and peering into windows.

During a subsequent search of the home, cops found Moran (seen above) beneath a mattress. He was wearing a "black gorilla suit" at the time, investigators say.

Moran tussled with cops trying to handcuff him, but he was eventually subdued and placed under arrest. He was charged with multiple offenses, including unauthorized entry of an inhabited dwelling, methamphetamine possession, resisting a police officer with violence or force, and wearing a mask or hood in public.

Asked about the defendant's gorilla outfit, a police spokesperson said that "the only reason" Moran would have opted for the costume "was the possibility of the drugs he was using." Cops released the below photo showing a portion of the gorilla costume. (1 page)

Finally this week – dumb products. Yes, even products can be dumb. And what’s dumber than combining your favorite breakfast cereal with beer? This reminds me of a classic Simpsons scene from way back in the show’s 5th season. Well, when you see it, you’ll get it.

Do you love Lucky Charms so much that you would like the marshmallowy cereal taste in your beer?

Smartmouth Beer is introducing its Saturday Morning Marshmallow IPA on March 2 in an all-day event that will also showcase trivia and food vendors.

“Join us as we flashback to those Saturday Mornings when you rolled out of bed and were lazy all morning watching your favorite cartoons and playing video or board games. We’ll celebrate those mornings with the release of Saturday Morning IPA that is made with pounds of marshmallows, some of which we toasted, along with tropical fruity Calypso hops. The result is magically ridiculous,” said Smartmouth Beer in a Facebook post.

That’s it this week for:

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[font size="8"]Stupidest State Contest: Selection Sunday
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16 states will enter and only one state will be crowned the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!

Ladies and gentlemen!!! It is time to commence the 3rd annual Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State Contest! Yes, the National For Fuck’s Sake Association is back for yet another year and another round of conservative stupidity and insanity represented from all corners of this great country that we call the United States of America. Of course the winner gets the much coveted DeLay Trophy, named after all time champion coach Tom DeLay took his home state of Texas to a whopping 8 consecutive titles and is known as the winningest ever!

[font size="6"]Statement From The Commissioner [/font]

Welcome welcome welcome!!!! As the commissioner of the NFFSA, it is my honor to be back for a third year in a row representing this fine organization! We have the four corners of conservatism tanned, rested, and ready to go! Which of course you know by now – are god, guns, greed, and complete batshit insanity. Before we begin, I would like to thank all of our teams for putting up a great regular season and we had some of our best attendance ever. I’d also like to thank last year’s champion Florida for exerting the kind of dominance necessary to win the tournament. Now, let’s get the official business out of the way and explain the rules. For the first four rounds of the tournament, we’ll see two matchups consisting of four teams duking it out for superiority. Then the second round will focus on 8 teams vying for a position in the Final Four – 1 round each. Then we will have two matchups for the final four before heading into our championship. And since we do encourage gambling here, we will provide you with smocking guns (yes, the typo is intentional!) and statistical odds to help you build your bracket and select the winner! Let’s do this thing!

[font size="6"]The Batshit Conference [/font]

The oldest and most distinctive conference in the NFFSA, the Batshit Conference is also the largest conference consisting of a whopping 22 states. These states are all dedicated to flinging the finest guano east and west of the mighty Mississippi. These are the states that elect politicians as crazy as the people in the districts that they represent. There’s plenty of drugs and booze going around and some absolutely crazy stories that come out of these states. The states where election rigging and hanging chads are possible thanks to a voter system that simply, quite frankly, doesn’t care. The Batshit Conference: We don’t care and it shows!

1. Kentucky: Last year’s #2 seed gets upgraded to a number one seed this year! Yes, the Blue Grass State – the state responsible for giving us the two worst senators the United States has ever seen – is back. They are tanned, rested, and ready to tangle with this country’s craziest people and representatives!
Smocking Gun: That MAGA hat wearing kid from the Indigenous People’s March is planning to sue the Washington Post for $250 million! Yes, $250 million!
Odds: 2:1 – The Blue Grass State stacked their team with lots of hot young talent and they are expected to go very far!

2. Maine: The Pine Tree State, the state that gave us notorious flip flopping senator Susan Collins, was noticeably absent from last year’s tournament mainly due to the fact that they finally got rid of batshit crazy former governor Paul LePage. However, Maine, or as they’re known as Canada’s Florida, definitely isn’t out of the woods yet as they have experienced lots of political turmoil in the last couple of years!
Smocking Gun: Thanks to some serial abusers of their health care system, it is on the verge of economic collapse. Yeah.
Odds: 5:1 – They have the talent to go very far in this tournament, especially when they were underdogs the whole regular season.

3. Georgia: A newcomer to the tournament but a long time contributor to the batshit conference, this is the Peach State’s first appearance in the 3rd annual NFFSA tournament and they are looking to rumble! Atlanta may be the burgeoning Hollywood of the East Coast but that doesn’t mean that the outside areas aren’t full of meth addicted, big truck driving crazy people!
Smocking Gun: Last year’s election between Stacy Abrams and Brian Kemp is *STILL* being fought a year later!
Odds: 7:1 – They are a newcomer to the tournament and they are a very young team that got really hot at the right time. expect them to go far!

4. Texas: Yes, the champions just won’t quit! They are always the odds on favorite to win this conference, but injuries and trades have made them feel the pain in their division. Especially when they take on their division rivals Florida but now they are facing the very real possibility that they could get knocked out of the first round. Texas had better bring their A game to the tournament.
Smocking Gun: El Paso has been at the center of Trump’s border wall fight amid controversy and guess what? Trump is wrong in his claims!
Odds: 7:1 – While injuries plagued Texas during the regular season, their craziness and insanity surrounding the wall may elevate them to another level! One to watch for sure.

[font size="6"]The Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference [/font]

While you’re struggling to make ends meet and your boss enjoys an extra zero on his paycheck, which already has enough zeroes on it, you’re in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference. Since 1952, all of the teams in this conference have corporate sponsorships and wear them on their sleeve that way you can tell if they’re being sponsored by Koch Industries or the Walton Family. You can barely afford one car to and from work you say? Your boss owns twenty! Your watch is being held together on your wrist by an extension cord? Your boss owns 15 Rolexes! Bentleys and private jets? They got ‘em! Big money is for chumps. These guys are about the even bigger money, the tax breaks, and the economic hell that they’ve sunk us in! The Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference: Proudly Going For Broke since 1952!

1. Wisconsin: The home of the Green Bay Packers jumped to a number one seed this year because, they’re trying to court one of the world’s most notorious “job creators” in Chinese mega conglomerate Foxconn and are in the process of getting Art Of The Deal’d by Trump and his cohorts. Never mind that former coach Paul Ryan retired, this is going to be a far bigger disaster!
Smocking Gun: Shortly before the democrats took power, the GOP attempted a coup in the state to reduce the state’s new governor of his power.
Odds: 2: 1 - One of the odds-on favorites to win. They got hot at the right time and expect them to stay hot during the tournament.

2. Nevada: The gambling industry got a huge upgrade from their appearance in the tournament last year, and with the gambling industry comes loads of hardcore corruption and other possible faults. In fact the gambling industry was severely affected by this year’s Super Bowl and expect them to look to bounce back.
Smocking Gun: Nevada may be in the process of legalizing weed, but look out for employers who would rather new applicants fail a drug test.
Odds: 5-1: They have a lot of great young talent, but then again, look who they’re up against in this conference.

3. Alaska: A newcomer to the tournament, the oil and gas industry has been attempting to drill in Alaska’s nature preserves for decades now, while the state comes back time and time again doing their best Will Smith impression and saying “Aw, hell naw.”. But the state has even worse problems and the destruction of our environment is but a small footprint in the state’s other problems.
Smocking Gun: A møøse wandered into a høspital….
Odds: 7:1 – The Last Frontier could be a huge upset in the tournament, they got hot in divisional play at the right time. Expect them to go far.

4. Michigan: The Wolverine State is back! Yes, they have a new governor and yes the state is kind of slightly starting to turn around, but Michigan’s financial woes and their extreme fiscal irresponsibility continue to plague the state. They missed out last year but they are back and ready to tangle!
Smocking Gun: It’s been 3 years and no matter how much money they throw at it, Flint *STILL* does not have a functioning water system.
Odds: 2:1 – Michigan has the talent and skills necessary to own this conference and expect them to go very far.

[font size="6"]The Family Values Conference [/font]

Oh Won’t Somebody Please Think Of The Children? Well, they definitely think about children way too much in this conference. It’s the conference where anti abortion values and toxic religion trump the most basic laws of sense and common decency. Sure, Jesus may be on the license plates in this conference and they’re ready to tear down the walls separating church and state. They are coming after your wombs faster than you can go after their guns. But when you’re born, you are on your own because the morals and values crowd only cares about those who are in the womb as opposed to out of it. It’s the states where Christian rock and old school fire and brimstone religion dominate the radio airwaves. And mothers and fathers should definitely lock up their daughters before they consider dating anyone. The Family Values Conference: Proudly Giving The Fetus More Rights Than You Since 1789!

1. Indiana: The home of vice president Mike Pence is also one of the country’s most religious in the Bible Belt. In fact Indiana has embraced some old school religion and has more active churches than any state in the Midwest. Of course with that kind of fire and brimstone comes all the problems associated with it like teen pregnancy and escalating hate crimes and abortion rates.
Smocking Gun: Indiana is considering a fertility law that really only affects one person who did something extremely horrible.
Odds: 5:1 – They aren’t the odds on favorite as a #1 seed but expect them to do go at least to the conference championship.

2. Mississippi: The Magnolia State *STILL* refuses to let go of the Confederacy and old school values. In fact one of their elected senators Cindy Hyde-Smith, has openly made racist and sexist jokes during speeches. And their family values credentials run deep as they have one of the highest abortion rates in the entire country.
Smocking Gun: Mississippi public schools won’t admit kids if they have a pre-existing condition such as Type 1 Diabetes. Oh won’t someone please think of the children?
Odds: 10:1 – A long shot and Mississippi’s street cred has earned them notoriety, but they still got a long way to go to prove themselves on the court!

3. Ohio: The Buckeye State loves them some old timey fire and brimstone religion and they are home to one of the highest concentrations of churches in the entire country. Ohio also has one of the highest concentrations of hospitals in the entire country. So much that there’s even hospitals that could potentially go out of business, screwing up a whole lot of patients and especially female patients!
Smocking Gun: Ohio’s new governor swore in on a stack of not one, but TEN Bibles. Wow.
Odds: 2:1 Ohio has built up an insane team to where they could possibly own the Flyover League and the entire tournament. But they do have some strong competition.

4. Alabama: The reigning champion of this conference has won the flyover league no less than 9 times. And they are stacked and ready to tangle when they go up against the big guns in this contest. Yes the state responsible for Roy Moore and Mike Huckabee is still producing some fresh young talent not seen in this conference in a long time!
Smocking Gun: Alabama is allowing Bible studies in public schools – as an elective *wink wink*.
Odds: 5:1 – The all time champions of this tournament could go very far and possibly win the Flyover League! Ones to watch for sure!

[font size="6"]The Gun Nut Conference [/font]

If you’ve got an itchy trigger finger and your paranoia about the US government coming to take your guns away is growing by the day, this is the conference for you! it’s the conference where debating between concealed carry and open carry can be considered a contact sport. You live in an area where you are surrounded by barbed wire and electric fences, and you and your neighbors are stockpiling weapons and ammo because, reasons. This isn’t mere target practice, this is a 24/7 lifestyle brand where you literally take your semi-automatic rifle on a dinner date to Chili’s, because, owning the libs. Yes, the government might be coming, but it’s not for your weapons, it’s for you. You take the words “Shall Not Be Infringed” just a little too literally and have Don’t Tread On Me flags tattooed on your sleeves. The Gun Nut Conference: Proudly Shall Not Be Infringing since 1789!

1. Florida Last year’s champions *AGAIN* ranks as the number one seed in this conference and for good reason. In the last year they elected notorious NRA A+ rated governor Rick Scott to the US Senate and elected raging racist Ron DeSantis as their new governor. In the time since Parkland, Florida’s state legislature has shown that they simply don’t give a fuck about mass murderers and their victims.
Smocking Gun: In the year that the Parkland Students have become anti-gun activists, they still don’t get recognized for their activism.
Odds: 10:1 – They may be a number one seed, but the volatility of Florida Man still remains to be seen. Will he come out fighting or do something stupid? We shall see!

2. New Mexico: Another newcomer to the tournament. The Land Of Enchantment is of course the home of notorious drug kingpin Walter White may be close to legalizing marijuana, but they are not without their fair share of problems. They’re also home to some nefarious ICE agents and border patrol militia men who can go toe to toe with some of the country’s best. Or worst.
Smocking Gun: The NRA is trying to squash what they call a “New York Style” gun control bill in the state senate. Oh the horror!
Odds: 7:1 – They got in the tournament thanks to a one-game playoff. But if they advance expect them to do some conference damage.

3. Idaho: There’s a lot of heat being packed and some open, in your face style NRA Trump lovers in the Pacific Northwest. And the further north you go of Boise, the more in your face it is. If you want guns, Idaho has a whole lot of them, and is about to make things that much worse if the NRA gets their way on school security! Not to mention Idaho is right next door to Montana and there’s plenty of paranoia and doomsday prepping abound!
Smocking Gun: Idaho could potentially make school shootings that much worse if a controversial concealed carry law passes!
Odds: 2:1 – Idaho got the number 1 pick in the draft and it showed. They had a strong showing in the regular season and got hot at the right time.

4. Oregon: Wait, Oregon is a blue state. What? Well they’re a blue-ish state in really Portland and Eugene, and that’s about it. Once you get outside of the major cities in Oregon, there’s lots of heat being packed and shooting first and asking questions later. Portland is also the home of notorious hardcore right wing militia groups like the Bundy Ranch, III%ers, and Patriot Prayer – all of which have attempted to stir up shit in downtown Portland and around the country.
Smocking Gun: Oregon is one of the first states to try a controversial gun seizure program, but is being met with some extreme protests.
Odds: 5:1 They had a strong showing in the regular season but injuries were abound, so don’t expect them to go too far, but look who they are up against.

The Bracket:

If you want to play along, here's a bracket that you can fill out for betting predictions, and you can follow along throughout the tournament:

The Schedule:

That’s it! Here’s the run down of the schedule:

Next Week:

Next week it’s Round 1 Week 1 and we’re live at the home of the ASU Sun Devils, Wells Fargo Center, in Phoenix, AZ, for the 1st round action! Kentucky brings their batshit to the tournament against Maine, while strong newcomer Idaho brings out their big guns against Oregon!

[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]The Fever 333[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a great new band from Los Angeles, you can see them on tour with Bring Me The Horizon now, and in August with Korn and Alice In Chains at the 5 Point Amphitheater in Irvine, CA on August 30th. Their latest album is called “Made An America”. Playing their song “We’re Coming In”, give it up for Fever 333!

See you next week!


Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: UCB Theater Franklin St, Hollywood, CA
Special Thanks To: UCB Theater Management
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: Bethel Church Band, Salt Lake City
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