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Thu Feb 7, 2019, 06:41 PM

Your Own Personal Kavanaugh - a brilliant essay by me

(I'm getting a lot of questions which basically imply that I'm a Russian who joined DU in 2002 in order to troll all of you in 2019, two years after Donald Trump became president. I was asked a snotty "Where's your Kavanaugh posts?" question. I wasn't posting here during the Kavanaugh hearings, because I wasn't. But I wrote this essay and kicked it by some friends who thought it was publishable. I elected against it. This should prove that I am who I say I am, and also when I used to make fun of William Pitt, it was mainly because I thought I was a better writer than he was and just chose a different path).

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Sandwiched between Christine Blasey Ford’s accusations of sexual assault and the bombshell allegations of Creepy Porn Lawyer Who Always Seems To Be Right Michael Avenetti were Deborah Ramirez’ accusation that he hand exposed his penis to her at a party at Yale. Much criticism was leveled at the usually reliable Ronan Farrow for his rather thin sourcing of this story.

Still, for me and apparently every Ivy Leaguer I know, this story rang 100 percent true.

Now, to be upfront, I have never met nor do I know Judge Kavanaugh. I have only ever been briefly on the Yale campus. I also attended college ten years after he did.

However, I attended Princeton with the same type of people that surely populated Judge Kavanaugh’s parties. Every Princeton alum I’ve spoken to this week has said the same thing, “I know that guy.” We have also played a game I like to call “My Personal Kavanaugh.”

The answers are wide and varied. Your Personal Kavanaugh at Princeton depended largely on your social circle, which meant it depended on your eating club. Much to my shock, one person even had an Asian Kavanaugh. In some ways, it was refreshing to know that his unique and specific brand of Prep School Athlete Entitlement crosses racial and ethnic boundaries.

So while we disagreed on our personal Kavanaughs, we agreed completely one thing.

The penises.

I have sent several texts this week to a wide circle of Princetonians with one request, “Please confirm the penises.” In my memory – which as we all know is unreliable on its best days – I attended between 10 and 20 parties at Princeton where a penis was on display. I am convinced that I attended one dorm room kegger where the beer was supervised by a naked crew team member the entire night.
In then twenty-two years since I have graduated Princeton, I have seen a penis at a party exactly zero times.

I matriculated to Princeton from a public high school, and this literal penis revelation was shocking at first. And then after maybe two months, it just became something that happened with what at the time seemed like a benign consistency. I was often a drunk young man with no desire to drop my own pants, and it was easy for me to ignore the (always) male nudity.

From my observation, this obsession with exposure always came from one of two often overlapping sources: athletic teams or prep schools. Coincidentally, Judge Kavanaugh emerged from this same background.

For those of you not used to elite prep school athlete, please participate in the following experiment with me. Think of the most arrogant athlete in your high school. Now imagine him knowing that no matter what he said or did for the rest of his life, he was going to become a high-powered lawyer, hedge fund manager, or politician.

The image in your head right now might very well be George W. Bush, and it seems fitting that he has re-emerged in the past few days to push for his fellow Yalie’s confirmation. The point of all of this is that once you are a member of this extremely exclusive club, you can be credibly accused of sexual assault and a freaking president whose father also happens to have been a president will show up to tell everyone that you should still get the gig.

But we’ve strayed from the penises, haven’t we?

I can only assume that this habit/tradition/weird ass compulsion emerged from British boarding schools, because all weird, male-specific sex things emerge from British boarding schools. The displayed penis obviously worked its way through the Exeters, Andovers, and Georgetown Preps of the world, and landed at the Princetons, Yales, and Harvards of the world.

During my time at Princeton, we celebrated 25 years of co-education, and I believe there was a 55-45 male to female ratio. So, while it was a school that was used to women, the tradition of women had yet to really be established. And Princeton is a place that is soaked in tradition. Shortly after celebrating 25 years of co-education, we celebrated 250 years of just education.

I knew dozens of Legacies, and in that time period, that meant that your father and possibly your grandfather attended. I don’t recall ever meeting someone whose mother attended. The math makes this possible, but statistically unlikely at the time.
This was a male world, and in this world men liked to get drunk and show their willies. Women were now welcomed to be present in the boys’ club. Still the message was, “Don’t try to change the décor.”

I can only believe that the Yale of ten years earlier was essentially the same except with a wider gap between the numbers of male and female students and even longer history of weird prep school stuff.

Someone asked me this week, “Why didn’t the girls at these parties just leave?” You can ask them. My best guess is that everyone wanted to fit into the Princeton club, because the benefits of being in that club were so huge. People were extremely good at disguising exactly the type of power they came from. But I always operated under the assumption that the father of whoever I was talking to could end up interviewing me for a job one day.

So, we beat on, penises against the current……..

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Reply Your Own Personal Kavanaugh - a brilliant essay by me (Original post)
theboss Feb 7 OP
Fresh_Start Feb 7 #1
theboss Feb 7 #2
Fresh_Start Feb 7 #3
theboss Feb 7 #4
Igel Feb 7 #6
theboss Feb 7 #7
theboss Feb 7 #5
DemocratSinceBirth Feb 8 #8
theboss Feb 8 #9

Response to theboss (Original post)

Thu Feb 7, 2019, 06:50 PM

1. I fear you may be doing the Brits an injustice

I've not heard of penis display being part of the UK experience.

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Response to Fresh_Start (Reply #1)

Thu Feb 7, 2019, 06:52 PM

2. That's really your takeaway?

My freshman year roommate went to a British boarding school. He swore they played a game called "soggy biscuit." I will leave the details out for now unless you want them.

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Response to theboss (Reply #2)

Thu Feb 7, 2019, 06:55 PM

3. it was a fun story..

I don't know want to know what a soggy biscuit is.
Apparently you have personal experience, so I bow to your expertise.

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Response to Fresh_Start (Reply #3)

Thu Feb 7, 2019, 06:59 PM

4. I never made the biscuit soggy

I don't like public nudity.

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Response to Fresh_Start (Reply #3)

Thu Feb 7, 2019, 07:41 PM

6. I'm sorry that I asked.

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Response to Igel (Reply #6)

Thu Feb 7, 2019, 09:07 PM

7. I honestly thought this discussion would be a safe space

I apologize.

I was not expecting the ONLY comment to be on how perverted British boarding schools are.

I blame myself.

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Response to theboss (Original post)

Thu Feb 7, 2019, 07:25 PM

5. Maybe slightly brilliant would be better

I should update it.

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Response to theboss (Original post)

Fri Feb 8, 2019, 05:43 PM

8. Makes me glad I didn't go to an Ivy League College.

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Response to DemocratSinceBirth (Reply #8)

Fri Feb 8, 2019, 05:46 PM

9. It had its plusses n/t

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