HomeLatest ThreadsGreatest ThreadsForums & GroupsMy SubscriptionsMy Posts
DU Home » Latest Threads » Forums & Groups » Main » General Discussion (Forum) » Top 10 Conservative Idiot...

Wed Jan 9, 2019, 05:01 PM

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #6-1: Game Of Groans Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #6-1: Game Of Groans Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Welcome welcome welcome!!!! We are back! We are baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!! I hope everyone had a nice holiday or holidays of whatever you choose to worship, but we’re back and we are ready to get down to business! What’s up Portland? Hey anyone know where I can get some beer and doughnuts? I mean how is the average BMI around here not 300 or more pounds? I mean seriously there’s tons of good beer and food here. I mean you guys have doughnuts the size of freaking Smart Cars! And it is cold as shit too. Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! Ok so I love Christian Bale even more now. Yeah he was you know, most famous for playing Batman and Bruce Wayne in the Dark Knight trilogy. So he’s in a new movie that’s about former vice president Dick Cheney. It’s called Vice and if you haven’t seen it you know that he’s even more of a heartless asshole than you might think. Dick Cheney I mean. Yes, sir! And he won a Best Actor award for Vice, to add to his already huge reputation. But I do love that speech, can we show a clip of that speech for a minute? Yes, that’s right! He compared Dick Cheney to Satan! I am complete!!!! Ha, I love Tenacious D. And yes we’ve had them as a musical guest on the show last season. OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But it’s weird – all of our favorite talk shows are currently on hiatus. But we did find this supercut of every time Trump claims he is the most knowledgeable on the subject and it is stunning. So let’s show that!

So where do we begin for our first edition of 2019? Well as always whenever we take an extended break, we like to play catch up on stuff we missed (1) during the break, and whew, there was quite a lot of it including Trump spending all of Christmas and New Year’s by himself. Yeah cue the sad trombone, thanks sound effects guy! In the second slot this week, we have to talk about the 800 pound gorilla in the room currently and that is the Trump Shutdown (2) because he won’t let go of the wall, and is attempting to rule with an iron fist, and it is backfiring on him spectacularly. For the third slot this week we got to talk about the reason for the season and that is Trump’s wall (3) and wow, he still thinks that a wall is going to magically solve all of our immigration issues. Boy he must be smoking some good Covfefe! In the fourth slot this week, we’ve got a new installment of our ongoing series “What’s Up With Brazil?”, and this week it’s official : Brazil has taken a hard right turn and sworn in Jair Bolsonaro (4) as their new president. In the 5th slot this week, our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, is back and taking a look at food recalls, and answering the question “Are you gonna eat that?”. In the sixth slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week our resident pastor is back from vacation and he’s ready to get to work predicting how the year ahead of us is going to work! In the seventh slot this week we have a new edition of “This Fucking Guy (Gal)” and we’re going to profile self proclaimed “Warrior Prophetess” Kat Kerr, and whew, is she bringing the crazy extra hard! In the number 8 slot this week we have another edition of “Explaining Jokes To Idiots”. So over the week last week you might have noticed that Louis CK was trending for all the wrong reasons and we will explain to you how comedy works. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!!) slot this week there’s a new installment of people are dumb because well, people are dumb! And the next installment of our ongoing series “Deep State Diaries” (10) is going to take a look at the Department Of The Interior! Plus to kick the year off we have some live music for you from the great Anderson.Paak! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Catch Up On Stuff We Missed
[br] [/font]

Man does it feel good to be back everyone! And we picked the right city to debut the 6th season of the Top 10! As usual, whenever the Top 10 is out on an extended break like we were over the Christmas and New Year’s holiday, we like to play catch up on stuff we missed. Because we live in an era where there’s literally batshit crazy stuff happening every minute of every day. And whew, did we miss a lot! See, we may take a holiday but conservative idiocy definitely does not! I mean Trump pretty much spent Christmas and his favorite holiday – New Year’s Eve – pretty much all alone in the White House by himself. I know usually we need the Sad Hulk music for this one but we really need something much sadder.

Yeah there we go! So how did Trump spend the most merry and jolliest of holidays?

At what age do children wonder whether Santa really exists?
President Donald Trump would like to know.

In a Christmas Eve call, Trump asked a 7-year-old named Collman Lloyd whether the child still believes in Santa Claus.
"Are you still a believer in Santa? Because at 7, it's marginal, right?" Trump asked Collman.

Collman's response, though inaudible to the press, left Trump with a chuckle and a smile.
The call came around 6:30 p.m. Monday as the President and first lady Melania Trump spoke on separate phones to children whose calls to NORAD had been patched through to the White House lines.

In front of a crackling fire and between two Christmas trees, Trump wished Collman a Merry Christmas and asked the child's age and Christmas plans and wondered how school was going.

Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! That’s right – Trump literally asked a 7 year old kid what age it’s acceptable to stop believing in Santa! And by the way – no he didn’t show up in Florida for his annual Mar-A-Shithole NYE bash. But guess what? Even club patrons think that place is much more pleasant when he’s not around!

Palm Beach is a little town that parties big, and the biggest party of the year is Donald Trump’s New Year’s revel at Mar-a-Lago. The president may have been born in June, but he is a true Scorpio who lives to get even, and Mar-a-Lago’s mammoth annual event is in some measure an expression of pure revenge.

To understand that one must go back to the mid-eighties, when Trump and his then wife Ivana arrived in Palm Beach. It would only have been natural that the couple join the exclusive Bath and Tennis Club, which lies on the ocean just across South Ocean Boulevard from Mar-a-Lago. But when Ivana talked to the club’s president, James Oelsner, about applying for membership, Oelsner says he told her they best not bother. Her husband, he said, was so controversial that they would surely be blackballed. Trump says he didn’t join the B&T because the club restricted Jews and blacks, but the fact is he wasn’t wanted, and he knew it.

Trump obtained his vehicle for revenge against the Palm Beach establishment when, a decade later, he turned Mar-a-Lago into a club with a majority Jewish membership. He brought in world class entertainment and, for New Year’s Eve, put on a gloriously over-the-top event. Across the road, the ladies and gentlemen of the B&T had their parties too, but theirs had all the panache of a ladies tea. Many of the WASPS were rhythmically challenged, and as they shuffled across the dance floor, the exuberant sounds of rock ‘n roll wafted across the boulevard from Mar-a-Lago. It just wasn’t fair that many of these B&T evenings were sedately boring while not three hundred yards away, the island’s unwanted newcomers were having more fun.

We can only imagine that was his reaction as the countdown clock reached midnight on 12/31. I mean come on, one NYE you’re partying with mobsters, the next NYE, you’re eating cheeseburgers in bed yelling at the fake news media and tweeting about your haters and losers. Yes that did happen!

Whoa, hey, take your caps lock off, man! This is the new year we’re talking about here, no need to get angry! Well maybe he was mad when this story broke:

Three weeks after the 9/11 attacks, Vice President Dick Cheney was already trying to tie the horror to Iraq. He floated a bogus story that earlier in 2001, Mohammad Atta, ringleader of the terrorist attacks, had met in a Prague cafe with an Iraqi intelligence official.

Now another shadowy meeting in Prague that may or may not have taken place is in the news.

On Dec. 27, McClatchy DC—a reputable news outlet that broke the most important stories about the Iraq War—reported that cell phone tower records obtained by foreign intelligence sources place Michael Cohen (or at least his phone) in Prague in the late summer of 2016. The story says this information, as well as the fruits of electronic eavesdropping by an Eastern European intelligence agency that picked up discussion among Russians of Cohen’s presence in Prague, are now in the possession of the office of Special Counsel Robert Mueller.

If the McClatchy story is true, it has huge implications for Donald Trump's survival in the presidency. But that’s a major if; unlike many other scoops about the Mueller probe, no other outlet has been able to confirm McClatchy’s reporting. And the McClatchy reporters have made it clear that they have no corroborating evidence of their claims and that some of their sources are indirect at best.

I think it’s a little too late for that, Donny! And we’ll get to the 119th Congress in a minute. But really there is an actual conspiracy being involved here, and no, it doesn’t involve a super secret ring of underground elite pedophiles who are engaged in satanic human trafficking! Nope. I mean Trump really thinks he’s playing a Game of Thrones here. This is more like a Game Of Groans!

What's Trump doing with that Game Of Thrones poster? Does he even know what Game Of Thrones is? I can't imagine he has an HBO subscription. For a guy who doesn't read and wouldn't know pop culture references if they jumped up and bit him, Game Of Thrones is way too advanced for him! Maybe he should start with the Diary Of A Wimpy Kid series and work his way up! We’re going to build a wall along the North and make the Stormlands pay for it. It’s gonna be huge, believe me!

When President Trump tweeted out a meme of his envisioned steel-slat wall with the words, “THE WALL IS COMING” over the weekend, many fans of “Game of Thrones” accused the president of never actually watching the hit HBO series.

In the series, the enormous wall of ice protecting the Seven Kingdoms from encroaching wildlings is — spoiler alert — eventually destroyed, which is presumably not the end result Trump envisions along the southern border. But Trump’s allusion to the “Game of Thrones” wall is all the more curious for another reason.

The fictional “Game of Thrones” barrier is actually based on a real wall. In fact, it’s one of the most famous walls in ancient Western civilization — one that may hold a lesson for Trump. A massive wall, said historian David Frye, is nothing without an equally massive investment in upkeep and patrol. That fact is evident in the true story of Hadrian’s Wall, the inspiration behind the fictional frozen wall in “Game of Thrones.”

George R.R. Martin, the author of the book series, “A Song of Ice and Fire,” that inspired “Game of Thrones,” has previously revealed that he was standing atop Hadrian’s Wall in 1981, imagining himself as a second-century Roman soldier, when he had the idea for his wall.

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]The Trump Shutdown
[br] [/font]

Yeah so republicans got their asses handed to them in the midterm election but that doesn’t mean that things are going to get back to some sort of normalcy are they? Yeah no, that’s exactly our answer too, and while we are going to talk about the wall in a minute – we have to talk about something that is a direct result of the Wall, and that is Trump’s pissing contest about funding the wall that is turning into one of the worst things to happen to his presidency so far. Just how bad is it?

With the government shutdown set to enter its third week, and with the possibility of it lasting for months more, the most tangible evidence of its impact appears to be the most gastronomical.

People are having a difficult time dispensing with their poop.

At national parks across the country, human excrement is piling up, bathrooms have become unbreathable heaps of bodily fluids, and park officials are noticing visitors relieving themselves in places where they should not be.

The shit storm—for lack of a more apt phrase—is a byproduct of a quirk in how the government has approached this shutdown versus those prior. Instead of closing the national parks, the Trump administration has kept them open but with little to no staff there to help manage the premises. With sanitation workers not on the job, human toxicity has been left unattended. And unlike other outcomes of the shutdown—from disrupted scientific research, to furloughed federal workers, to government programs operating on shoestring staff and budgets—this one has broken through the news clutter.

At the Point Reyes National Seashore in California, the buildup of human waste was so bad that the park had to be closed for health hazards. The East Bay Times reported that “pit toilets had become ‘incapacitated.’” John Dell’Osso, chief of interpretation for the park, told the San Francisco

That’s right – things are so bad right now that the national parks system is literally overflowing with feces right now. Yeah that’s a legacy for Trump there! You know it takes 100 years to build one’s reputation and then it takes 5 minutes from some jackass with a wrecking ball to knock it all down, and Trump is that jackass! Just how bad is it?

WASHINGTON — The impact of a partial government shutdown began to ripple across the economy as it stretched into Day 17, with mortgage applications delayed, public companies unable to get approval to raise capital and thousands of Secret Service agents expected to show up for work without pay.

President Trump and congressional Democrats have made little progress in negotiations to end a shutdown that has affected about 800,000 federal workers, many of whom will miss their first paycheck this week, and who owe a combined $249 million in monthly mortgage payments, according to the online real estate firm Zillow.

The shutdown shows no sign of ending soon, with Mr. Trump announcing Monday that he would address the nation on Tuesday evening from the Oval Office to discuss what he called the crisis at the southern border, and the White House saying that he would travel to the border this week as part of his effort to persuade Americans of the need for a wall — the sticking point in negotiations with Democrats.

The standoff is beginning to inflict pain on Americans, whose lives are affected, in one way or another, by the federal government. It is already the second-longest shutdown in history, behind the one that started in December 1995 and lasted 21 days.

And just how badly is the government wrecked? Well we already mentioned how bad the poop situation is at our national parks and how average Americans are starting to feel it but one of the worst hit is our airports. Yes, the TSA is completely fucked up right now. You thought you hated long lines at the airport? Well, you ain’t seen nothing yet!

The nation’s airports continue to operate, even as parts of the government remain shut down: air traffic control workers and airport security officers remain on the job. But as the shutdown moves into its third week, some fear it’s only a matter of time before the nation’s air traffic system begins to feel the impact.

Officials at the Transportation Security Administration acknowledge that growing numbers of security screeners are not showing up for work, but say the call-outs aren’t significant enough to have an impact on airport operations.

According to TSA officials, roughly 51,000 employees are involved in the airport screening process. The TSA is part of the Department of Homeland Security, which is the largest federal agency affected by the partial shutdown.

TSA spokesman Michael Bilello said Tuesday that “call outs” were slightly higher at 4.6 percent versus 3.8 percent at this time last year, but that the number was not large enough to have a significant impact on operations.

Come on even beer, beer is being affected by the shut down! OK you can wreck havoc on our airports and our national park system but I will come after you if you do any interfering with our precious, precious beers!!! What? Wanna fight about it???

Full Mile Beer Co. & Kitchen opened for business in Sun Prairie right as the government was shutting down.

"Since we just opened three weeks ago, this is the first time we actually had to file our federal quarterly tax," said co-owner C.J. Hall.

The IRS is closed due to the shutdown. When Hall had questions about filing taxes for his brewery for the first time, there was no one to answer his questions on the other end.

"I had some questions about it. So I hopped on the website, found the 1-800 number, called and got the recorded message," Hall said.

Hall said he filed his taxes as best as he could and said, "If they're wrong, I'm sure someone will tell us at some point."

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font]

That wall icon is the perfect one for this next entry isn’t it? Yes of course we’re going to talk about Trump’s completely asinine border wall. And it is asinine. Because I am starting to think that Trump hasn’t exactly thought this thing through. Oh wait, who am I kidding? Of course he hasn’t I mean we’re almost an entire presidential administration in to doing this Top 10 thing here. And of course we’re doing this thing during the worst president of all time. I mean this whole wall thing is completely absurd, and Trump Is running this show like he’s the king of Game Of Thrones. This is more like a Game Of Groans!

Building a wall along the border with Mexico was one of Mr Trump's key election promises.

The White House says the wall is critical to stopping illegal immigrants and drugs entering the country.

The border is 1,954 miles (3,145 km) long, with about 650 miles of various types of fencing already in place through California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas.

According to documents obtained by CNN at the beginning of 2018, officials told Congress that the Trump plan would mean 864 miles of new wall and 1,163 miles of replacement wall. It would cost $33bn (£26bn).

Trump is literally holding this country hostage for something that makes absolutely no sense. Oh and by the way in case you were wondering what happened to the wall on Game Of Thrones?

That’s right – the knight winds up destroying the wall! That’s what happens when you build walls that are meaningless! But this is absolutely scary what this guy is doing.

One South Carolina politician is not holding back when it comes to the government shutdown, President Donald Trump and Republican leadership in the U.S. Senate.

U.S. representative James Clyburn, the new House Majority Whip, released a statement Sunday criticizing the president and Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, saying Trump is holding Americans “hostage.”

In his statement, the Democrat from Columbia said the House of Representatives plans to vote on “bills to reopen vital government services,” to allow federal employees to return to work.

He then put the onus on McConnell, R-Kentucky, saying in the statement it is “unconscionable,” to block votes on the “bills to reopen the government.”

Yeah because if there’s one guy you can trust to end this shit, it’s Mitch McConnell! Ever notice that Trump had an operation on his asshole and Mitch McConnell had an operation on his middle finger? I know what are these two guys trying to tell us? And you know what? Come on with this shit already, we really need to get the adults back in charge!

President Trump has made more than 7,000 false claims as president — and that doesn’t even include his clearly ridiculous, fanciful claims that can’t be directly disproved. Such is the case with his recent claim that other presidents have told him they should have built the border wall when they were in office. There are only four living former presidents, three of them have denied it was them, and a fourth — Jimmy Carter — has never endorsed a border wall and seems unlikely to have done so, given his focus on humanitarianism. (Update: The Carter Center now says it wasn’t Carter, either.) The idea that even one of them confided this in Trump is hard to stomach; the idea that multiple did so is just bonkers.

But alas, when you work for Trump, you can’t just admit your boss made it up. So you do what Mick Mulvaney did Sunday: squirm.

The acting White House chief of staff was confronted about the claim by CNN’s Jake Tapper, and he commenced stumbling through a largely nonsensical argument abut semantics and what the word “wall” means. Then he finally just admitted he doesn’t know who the president is/presidents are:

Like that ever stopped Wiley Coyote, just like Trump he’s a super genius! And by the way what’s going to stop this? Who’s going to pay for it? I got a hint: it ain’t Mexico. It’s gonna be us! And you know how hard this is going to be? Trump is a fucking idiot. Oh wait, he knows everything. Or does he?

From western California to eastern Texas, across four US states and 24 counties, the 1,933-mile US-Mexico border criss-crosses arid desert, rugged mountains, and winding rivers.

For 654 of those miles, fencing separates the two countries from each other.

The 7.3 million people who live in the border counties on each side of the line have watched for years as security grew tighter and illegal crossings tapered off.

In just the last 12 years, the US government built the barriers, deployed troops, and started using advanced surveillance technology — all in an effort to tame and control some of the wildest and remotest land in the United States.

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Jair Bolsonaro
[br] [/font]

Welcome to your new nightmare, Brazil! And hey if you think I’m not going to a piece on Brazil’s creeping dictatorship without wearing a traditional Carnivale costume and playing Samba music, you are dead wrong! Hit it! So in case you haven’t noticed during the last two weeks, a new era of ultra far right fascism has begun in the South American country under their new president Jair Bolsonaro, a guy who is a Putin stooge and who many have described as the “Trump Of The Tropics”. And he is unbelievably scary, and what he’s doing actually puts Trump to shame, and it’s only going to get worse! He’s already got to work purging his enemies!

Brazil’s new president has authorised the dismissal of civil servants who do not share his far-right ideology, it has been reported.

Having taken office this week, Jair Bolsonaro has launched a purge of left-wing government officials with approximately 300 people expected to be dismissed.

Officials who are seen as being supportive of the previous left-wing and centrist governments will be removed to “clean the house”, Mr Bolsonaro’s chief of staff Onyx Lorenzoni said.

“It’s the only way to govern with our ideas, our concepts and to carry out what Brazil’s society decided in its majority,” Mr Lorenzoni said, according to Die Welt.

He added that the vast proportion of those dismissed are on temporary contracts and their removal is necessary to “do away with the Socialist and Communist ideas that during 30 years have led us to the chaos in which we live.”

Because purges always work so well don’t they? Just look at Turkey, the Philippines, Poland, and Hungary to find out where Brazil’s headed. Because Putin is turning the world’s democracies on their ear by spreading fear, hate, and misinformation that gets creeps like Bolsonaro and Trump elected. And guess who he’s going after? Oh wait, you don’t have to! If you’ve been following Trump you already know!

Newly installed President Jair Bolsonaro targeted Brazil’s indigenous groups, descendants of slaves and the LGBT community with executive orders in the first hours of his administration, moving quickly after a campaign in which the far-right leader said he would radically overhaul many aspects of life in Latin America’s largest nation.

Sao Paulo's stock market, meanwhile, jumped 3.56 percent to a record closing of 91,012 points as new Cabinet ministers reinforced the intent to privatize state-owned companies and a Brazilian arms maker benefited from Bolsonaro's plans to loosen gun controls. Similar spikes in stock prices also occurred during the presidential campaign.

One of the orders issued late Tuesday, hours after Bolsonaro's inauguration, likely will make it all but impossible for new lands to be identified and demarcated for indigenous communities. Areas set aside for "Quilombolas," as descendants of former slaves are known, are also affected by the decision.

Another order removed the concerns of the LGBT community from consideration by the new human rights ministry.

But of course he’s going to restore order, people! I mean just look at how well Trump is trying to fix an already burning ship. He’s pledging that Brazil has been lifted from the confines of socialism and political correctness! Wait, that sounds familiar. We got to keep our composure people!!!!! We can’t have anybody freaking out here!!!

Brazil‘s newly inaugurated President Jair Bolsonaro said on Tuesday (January 01) that he would “restore order,” and he vowed to tackle corruption, crime and economic mismanagement in Latin America’s largest nation.

Bolsonaro, a former army captain turned lawmaker who openly admires Brazil‘s 1964-1985 military dictatorship, promised in his first remarks as president to adhere to democratic norms, after his tirades against the media and political opponents had stirred unease.

A seven-term congressman who spent decades on the fringes of Brazilian politics, Bolsonaro was swept to power in October by voters’ outrage with traditional political parties, making him Brazil‘s first right-wing president since the dictatorship.

Voters punished mainstream parties following more than four years of graft investigations that laid bare the largest political corruption scheme ever discovered. Centrist parties were trounced, reshaping Brazil‘s political landscape and polarising Congress.

Following a knife attack during the presidential campaign that left Bolsonaro hospitalized for weeks, security was tight for his inauguration. Some 10,000 police officers and soldiers were deployed on the streets of Brasilia, the capital, as Bolsonaro and his wife rode in an open-topped Rolls-Royce to Congress.

And speaking of keeping our composure, guess what? You’re in good company, Brazil! Because guess who Bolsonaro is already courting? He’s courting Putin’s favorite president, Donald J. Trump, and we all know what a dumpster fire he’s been setting here in America!

Bolsonaro issued a directive giving the Agriculture Ministry, which is dominated by a powerful agro-business lobby, control over areas reserved for Brazil's indigenous peoples and the descendants of former slaves. He made it nearly impossible for new protected lands to be demarcated. A government agency run by a prominent general was given the ability to "monitor" international organisations and nongovernmental organisations operating in Brazil. And the LGBT community was excluded from a list of groups whose concerns would be protected by a new Human Rights Ministry.

None of this should be a surprise. Bolsonaro is a strident far-right ideologue, notorious for his bigoted rhetoric against women, minorities, the poor and LGBT Brazilians. Once a buffoonish figure on the fringes of the country's politics, he marshalled deep frustrations with Brazil's dysfunction — its stagnating economy, its soaring crime, its corrupt political elites — to score dramatic victories in elections last year. Now he is following through on his promises to upend the status quo and crack down on imagined enemies.

Perhaps more conspicuous was the enthusiastic cheerleading coming from the Trump Administration. Bolsonaro has long been likened to United States President Donald Trump — another angry nationalist bent on radically shifting his country to the right while trying to tear down the political achievements of opponents to the left.

Former Trump adviser Stephen Bannon whispered encouragement to Bolsonaro's camp. The Brazilian politician, meanwhile, launched Trumpian attacks on everything from "fake news" to refugees.

Bet you didn’t think you were going to hear the last of Steve Bannon did you? I mean last we saw he could barely fill the breakfast buffet at Holiday Inn and getting canned from talking about having sex with robots! And you know that most of the people there were there for the free buffet and couldn’t give less of a shit about Steve Bannon. But in case you’re wondering how well Brazil’s war on crime is going, just look at what happened this week at Rio’s landmark Cristo Redentor statue:

Dozens of tourists hiking toward the famous Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro were held at gunpoint for up to two hours in a mass robbery that could mark an early test for anti-crime crackdowns promised by Brazil’s new president.

Police said Friday that at least three assailants carrying knives and a gun set up the ambush on the trail, which cuts through a dense forest that borders a slum on the outskirts of the city and has been the site of numerous muggings.

In total, more than 30 people were robbed Thursday — about half foreigners from Asia, Europe and elsewhere in South America — as the thieves took hostages and waited for more tourists to arrive.

They took cellphones, cameras, wedding rings and credit cards, police said. Nobody was hurt.

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates
[br] [/font]

Hey Portland, it’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!

“Are you gonna eat that?” is a question for the ages. But these days you might want to think twice before asking that question. It seems there is a food recall just about every other day. In fact there’s almost too many to count. Whether it’s sausages or chicken or lettuce or tomatoes or potatoes, there’s so many recalls that you can’t even begin to comprehend them. And under the recent government shutdown perpetrated by President Trump, it could get so much worse! In fact before you hit the stove here’s what you might want to do first.

There is no poop apocalypse.

Food recalls throughout 2018 may have some American consumers nervous to put anything in their mouths, but the U.S. food system is still among the safest in the world, especially considering the sophistication of the country’s supply chains, the sheer number of people eating in this country and the reporting tools in place.

It seems like there is a new federal-government warning every day – No romaine! Watch out for beef! Don't even think about Honey Smacks! – which may lead us to believe our food supply isn't safe.

Experts say the opposite is true.

The average American eats close 960 pounds of food a year, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture's Economic Research Service. And only a tiny percentage of all those millions of products is recalled – usually before any of those 300 million-plus Americans even put it in their mouths.

Poop Apocalypse by the way – not a band who you want to see playing at the Troubadour this weekend or next weekend. But just because there’s lots of reasons not to enjoy your food doesn’t mean that you should stop buying it. So how will that affect your every day business if you work in the food industry?

You may want to think twice about those grab-and-go-food items.

Millions of pounds of ready-to-eat salads and premade food items including entrees, burritos, wraps and pizzas at several big-name retailers such as Kroger, Whole Foods, 7-Eleven, Trader Joe's and Walmart have been recalled due to the potential risk of listeria and salmonella contamination.

The recalls stem from those issued by a dozen food manufacturers including Bakkavor Foods, Envolve Foods and Ruiz Food Products. The food makers notified the U.S. Department of Agriculture about products they shipped that could include ingredients such as corn, diced onions and other vegetables possibly tainted with bacteria – all provided from a single company, McCain Foods, the USDA says.

The initial recalls, announced by the USDA on Oct. 17, involved relatively small quantities, ranging from 217 pounds to 940 pounds of salads. Among those products recalled last week were Whole Foods' Santa Fe style salad with chicken, sold at stores in California; Trader Joe's labeled BBQ flavored chicken salad, sold in several states; and Walmart's marketside fiesta salad with steak, sold in some of its stores.

Yeah it’s kind of like that. But really don’t reach for that grab and go item – who knows how long it’s been sitting on the shelf? And by the way if you can’t keep track of all the food recalls, don’t worry, even the government cant. And as has already been mentioned it’s only going to get worse. So much worse.

Some of the biggest food recall news of 2018 didn’t come from a food producer or distributor. And, it didn’t force consumers to check their cupboards or refrigerators for potentially poisonous food. It came from FDA Commissioner Scott Gottlieb in September when he announced the agency would begin publicly disclosing retail locations that may have sold or distributed recalled food — in some circumstances.

The shift away from protecting “confidential corporate information” and toward public safety is so significant it made our Top 10 list of food safety news stories for 2018.

Another headline out of the Food and Drug Administration’s 2018 recall file was “the agency’s first-ever mandatory recall order,” Gottlieb said in a Late November statement about the FDA’s investigation of contamination of kratom products and dozens of related illnesses. The kratom situation, which included multiple recalls and a Salmonella outbreak, also earned a spot on the Food Safety News Top 10 list for the year.

Other big recall news in the “Year of the Dog” involved millions of eggs, millions of pounds of meat and poultry, an unrevealed volume of other foods under the jurisdiction of FDA and the USDA’s Food Safety and Inspection Service (FSIS). Here, in no particular order, are some of the most noteworthy recalls initiated in 2018.

And if you want even some of the recent food recalls, here’s just a short list:

Another Jennie-O Turkey Store, this one in Faribault, MN, late Friday recalled more than 164,000 pounds of raw ground turkey products that may be contaminated with Salmonella Reading, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Food Safety and Inspection Service (FSIS). The recalled turkey was shipped to retail locations nationwide. Based on the continuing investigation, additional products from other companies may also be recalled.

Four days after the investigation of the latest romaine lettuce E. coli outbreak led to Adam Bros. Farms in Santa Barbara, California, Adam Bros. recalled red leaf lettuce, green leaf lettuce and cauliflower.

Meanwhile, on Tuesday, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention updated its romaine lettuce consumption advice, saying U.S. consumers should “not eat and retailers and restaurants not serve or sell any romaine lettuce harvested from certain counties in the Central Coastal growing regions of northern and central California (Monterey, San Benito, Santa Barbara). If you do not know where the romaine is from, do not eat it.”

Certain types of 9Lives cat food are being recalled because they could be missing an essential nutrient.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration says 9Lives Protein Plus With Tuna & Chicken and 9Lives Protein Plus With Tuna & Liver could contain dangerously low levels of thiamine, also known as vitamin B1.

Yes, even cat food is not immune from the food recalls. That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font]

Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters of Portland, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you why the holiest among us are also the most full of:

My fair congregation! I am back! I am rested and ready to work again! For I provide entertainment in our church for you, the people! I hope you had a good High Holidays, I know I did! For I spent mine trying to come up with ways that this year could either go right or wrong. And apparently many of our brothers and sisters also did the same thing that I did. No one can predict how the new year is going to go, no one can predict how the weather works! But they might as well try. And I cite the Good Book as my precedent in this one!

Hank Kunneman, a right-wing pastor who runs One Voice Ministries in Omaha, Nebraska, delivered a prophetic sermon on New Year’s Eve in which he declared that God will use 2019 to weaken and divide the Democratic Party ahead of the 2020 elections.

“Watch what I will do, says the Lord,” Kunneman said. “How is this, you say, we have a Democratic House? Listen, there is a spirit, and I’ve allowed it, an evil spirit—and I’m not speaking political, says the Lord, I’m speaking to that which has been devised by the enemy to seek to stall you, to create division and conflict. As it was in the days of Pharaoh and of Egypt, when they stood proud and said, ‘We shall stop Moses and we shall stop Israel,’ so this House that is seeking to align is whispering in secret this same thing.”

“Who do you think you are?” Kunneman continued, speaking on behalf of God. “For as I drowned Pharaoh and his army, I will drown the lying spirits that seek to divide. Out of your mouth, oh donkey party, you shall speak and you will overplay your hand. And because you will overplay your hand, there shall come a split in your own party, for the division that you shall seek to bring shall divide your own party and it shall greatly effect the 2020 election.”

Yes really! I mean how crazy do you have to be to already call something that hasn’t even happened yet? What else could they be cooking up? You do know that lying is a sin and it says so in my good book, I have a copy right here in my hand, my congregation! But would you be think that the left are committing unspeakable horrors in the new year?

Alex Jones, the conspiracy theorist founder of Infowars, told listeners that President Trump will spend 2019 “going into battle” against his supposed foes, which includes the deep state, pedophile rings, and “the censorship.”

Jones spent his New Year’s Eve broadcasting live to the Infowars audience, during which he ruminated on the “death-defying life” he leads and declared 2018’s winners and losers. During the show, Jones spoke with a caller who told Jones that Trump has “got to declassify FISA, expose the corruption, arrest the traitors, and arrest the pedophiles” in 2019. The list of demands fits the standard fanfare of conspiracy theorist Trump supporters and rings reminiscent of the prophecies surrounding the QAnon conspiracy theory.

“I agree, victory or death, he now looks like he’s cleaning house. He’s getting rid of all the double agents and the word is that Trump is going to go into battle now. We’re talking he’s going to strike back against the censorship. He’s going to strike back against the pedophile rings—it’s already begun,” Jones said. “He’s going to strike back against the deep state. He’s going to strike back against all the criminal activity of [James] Comey and [Robert] Mueller being Russian operatives. So, just get ready.”

Last year, Jones was almost universally de-platformed from major social media websites including Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, iTunes and Spotify.

Excuse me a minute… you know Alex, no one calls it “the censorship”. And if you do call it that, you probably don’t know what censorship is! And we’re not touching that subject with a 10 foot pole, believe me! Well did you know that could lead to war? And that war is a coming! I say war is a coming my friends!!

The framer of a far-right survivalist movement in the Pacific Northwest rang in the new year by warning of religious civil war.

James Wesley, Rawles, (sic) a former U.S. Army intelligence officer and self-described religious separatist who once called Islam a “religion of evil and death,” thinks a “war of world views” may come as early as 2020. And he’s urging his readers to strategically relocate inland to red states.

“I’m predicting a Third Gulf War, but it won’t be fought in the Middle East,” Rawles published on his SurvivalBlog.com, which claims to have over 320,000 unique visitors each week. “It will be the Second Civil War, here in America and caused by the gulf between the right and left — or between the godly and the godless — or between the libertarians and the statists — or between the individualists and the collectivists.”

Rawles hedges by saying that armed confrontations may still be a generation away, if they come at all, but the upcoming presidential election and potential “vote counting manipulation” could trigger riots and kick off a civil war where some states would demand partition or secession.

Rawles cites the polarization of the United States’ two major political parties, an urban-rural divide and the “overt politicization” of government agencies — singling out the Federal Bureau of Investigations, Central Intelligence Agency, Defense Intelligence Agency and the Department of the Interior — as indicators of future conflict.

By the way can we just start calling these people “Nostradumbass”? I mean if you think you know what the year is going to bring and we’re only one week in, it’s going to be a long freaking year ahead, am I right about that? Can I get an AMEN???? And by the way, if someone who is uber religious claims to be a prophet, and they get called out for their prophecy as being false, never ever do that! Because these people are so insane that they can’t see how crazy they really are!

At the end of 2018, we posted a compilation of wrong predictions and false prophecies that had been made by various Trump-loving pundits and “prophets” during the year and right-wing preacher Lance Wallnau is not happy about his inclusion on our list.

We noted that on several instances in May and June of last year, Wallnau proclaimed that the Lord had showed him, based on a passage from the Book of Esther, that there would be “massive disclosures” that would incontrovertibly prove that Barack Obama and members of his administration had worked with the “deep state” to surveil, spy upon, and undermine President Trump.

June 6 would be “D-Day,” Wallnau predicted. “It’s coming out.”

The promised revelations never materialized, but Wallnau responded to our post in a video he streamed on Periscope last Saturday by insisting that his prophecy had nevertheless been accurate.

“They never mention anything I got right,” Wallnau complained, “which is why I’m particularly annoyed about being lumped in with prophetic inaccuracy.”

Wallnau insisted that revelations regarding the text messages between FBI agents Peter Strzok and Lisa Page were revealed right after he issued his prophecy, which led to the resignation of Andrew McCabe and the elevation of Rod Rosenstein.

So there you have it folks! Just don’t call out these people on how wrong they are because that would offend the good LAWRD JAYSUS! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy (Gal): Kat Kerr
[br] [/font]

This week’s “This Fucking Guy” is actually a woman and one who is particularly crazy at that. We’re talking someone who thinks they can predict the weather and current events. I’m of course talking about Katt Kerr, who is a religious right pundit who frequently appears on shows like Dave Daubenmire and Sheila Zalinksy. Which really shows you how much they are scraping the bottom of the barrel at this point. Just how crazy is Ms. Kerr? Well there’s this. I mean how do you think you know what’s going on in heaven? We barely know what’s going on here?

On Saturday, self-proclaimed “prophetess” and “weather warrior” Kat Kerr spoke at River Rock Church in Reno, Nevada, where she reported that following the confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court, God gave her a vision of heaven in which she saw the souls of those who had been aborted having a party because Kavanaugh will be the key to overturning Roe v. Wade.

“God picked [Kavanaugh] like he picked Trump and he kept telling me, ‘I don’t care what they say, he is sitting on the Supreme Court and he is going to wipe out Roe v. Wade,'” Kerr said. “He kept showing me, letting me see all of these millions of babies who had been aborted that are in heaven, they sang and celebrated. They celebrated as they were saying, ‘Yes, he is going to sit on the Supreme Court.'”

“Today, they had a party in heaven,” Kerr added, “and they celebrated that other babies being conceived in the womb one day will never have to fear their lives being taken and they’ll get to complete their destiny on this earth. So there was a big party in heaven today because of that.”

“There is now God in the White House, because he’s welcomed and allowed to be there,” she continued. “And he said, ‘Now, I have permission to be in the Supreme Court’—because of Kavanaugh, as a believer siting on the bench in the Supreme Court—he said, ‘Now, I have the right to speak into the court system and because of that, I have assigned three special ops angels [to protect Kavanaugh].'”

Yeah probably! But while we’ve profiled many members of the religious right on this series from Lance Wallnau to Dave Daubenmire but these guys don’t hold a candle to the crazy that is Kat Kerr! I mean none of them think they know what is going on in heaven or think they can predict the weather. Or can they?

Pat Robertson is not alone in commanding Hurricane Florence to go somewhere else and not do any damage, in the name of Jesus, of course. Kat Kerr, who has repeatedly commanded hurricanes and volcanoes and wildfires to stop with no effect whatsoever, is “taking command” of Florence and sending it away.

“We’re not going to agree with any of the forecasts they are giving for that storm, the categories it is going to get to, the damage it is going to do, the flooding it’s going to do,” Kerr declared. “We are crushing it.”

“This is not a game,” she said. “We take authority over Florence and we say, ‘You will not grow, you will not hit land, you will not do destructive things to America or anywhere.’ … As a member of the body of Christ, I have authority over the storms and right now, I take authority over Florence, over any of the demonic army controlling it and powering it and steering it and I say, ‘No, you do not have authority over the weather, but we do.’”

“It will be diminished and downgraded, downgraded, downgraded,” Kerr added. “We say Florence will come to nothing and it will be quickly and it will be seen by everyone that goes online, anyone who watches the weather, the weather [reporters] will be forced for forecast it, they will be forced to talk about it. This is why God is doing this, so they will physically see that we, as believers, have authority over the weather.”

Fucking hurricane! How do they work? Miracles! Yes, I am making an Insane Clown Posse reference here because this is too stupid to comprehend! You do know that’s how hurricanes work, right, Kat? They start, they get bigger, then they diminish! That’s not the only thing that Kat is perplexed by how they work, she apparently has no idea how elections work either!

Last weekend, self-proclaimed “prophetess” and “weather warrior” Kat Kerr spoke at Gateway on Mt. Zion church in Colorado, where she likened President Trump to Jesus and explicitly urged the congregation to “vote Republican” in the upcoming midterm elections.

“God has hand-picked the person that he wants there and there is no human being on this earth—there is nothing in the earth, over the earth—nothing that can take those people from that White House,” Kerr declared. “Never in the history of our country has one man caused such an uproar. Never in the history of our nation or even in this world, except Christ, because Christ caused the greatest uproar in his time. He was not liked by the hierarchy, he was hated by the ruling powers, and the devil especially despised him and tried every way he could to get him out of the picture. Does that sound familiar?”

Kerr also asserted that “Trump has given his heart to Jesus Christ” and “has given God a place in the White House,” which is why he cannot be defeated and why Republicans are guaranteed to win the midterm elections.

“Every time they try to do something—this is from heaven—they will lose,” she said. “They’ll lose in the elections, they’ll lose in areas of business, they’ll lose in areas of government, because this is God’s divine time and when he said, right before the election, ‘I’m turning that map red, whether anyone likes it or not, I’m putting my hand on America and I’m going to move across it; when they wake up in the morning, they will find out that map is red.’ Was it red? Well, get ready for the midterm elections. He’s going to turn it red again.”

“So vote Republican,” Kerr commanded. “On November 6, make sure you go vote. There will be angels in every voting booth.”


And this might be my favorite Kat Kerr story. See there have been many a self-proclaimed prophet that claims to have met the almighty, but none can claim what he looks like! But Kat can! In fact she’s got details! Just… I’m done. I can’t even.

Kat Kerr, the self-proclaimed Christian “Prophetess” who once attempted to beat back Hurricane Irma with a scepter, then, after seeing all the damage caused by Irma, blamed everyone else for not following her lead, gave a rather… interesting speech last night.

She was giving an opening speech for the Heaven’s Invitation 2018 conference. When she got to a part about Jesus, she reminded the audience about how big and strong and sexy the Savior is.

… We should be like Him. And act like Him. And it’s not impossible or He would not have said, “Let us give man dominion,” you know? And “let us make man in Our image.” That is what they look like.

They have arms and legs. They have heads. They have bodies. I’m talking about the Trinity and Holy Spirit, who is invisible. He has a body. He’s big. He’s a really big and tall guy. He can be as big as He wants! I’ve seen Him appear as like swirls of color or, like, tornadoes with the flames of fire all on Him. Sometimes, I’ll see Him walk in and there will just be flames outlining His whole person. If Jesus wanted to, He could make Himself big enough to hold this whole Earth in His hand. Or He could be normal-size on the Earth, which is around six foot tall.

And He was very handsome. I noticed that he wasn’t very comely, but that was when He was being beaten and hung on the cross. You know, that no man would want to look up on Him. But normally, He was very strong. He picked up trees. He was a carpenter…

Ah I love that scene! And I really want to think that the sentence “Jesus can be as big as he wants” refers to a certain body part, but that would just make it creepy! That’s Kat Kerr, this week’s this Fucking Gal!

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Explaining Jokes To Idiots: Louis CK
[br] [/font]

Yes it’s the segment where we in the comedy profession explain humor to the people who just don’t quite get humor. And you know who doesn’t get humor? Critics of Louis CK. Yeah we get it – there’s things we shouldn’t joke about. But that’s not going to stop somebody from joking about them, I mean shit, this program wouldn’t exist if that were the case! There’s many things you can say about Louis CK that don’t immediately attack his humor – yes he’s a colossal piece of shit. But the minute you start attacking language and mannerisms, we all lose!

On Christmas Eve, Kevin Spacey made what appeared to be the most tasteless comeback attempt of 2018. In a video he posted on Twitter called "Let Me Be Frank," he gave a weird speech in the character of his also-creepy "House of Cards" character Frank Underwood, about how we "trusted him, even though we knew we shouldn't." He is currently facing charges for indecent assault and battery, which involve allegations about which he has not responded to requests for comment.

As if that was not enough, and with less than 24 hours of 2018 to spare, audio footage of an also-horrendous new set by Louis C.K. was leaked to YouTube. In the space of just a few minutes, he can be heard viciously mocking the survivors of the Parkland high school shooting, as well as trans and non-binary people. The set, reportedly from a performance earlier in December, was swiftly condemned, but presumably also provided some comfort for anyone concerned that #MeToo irrevocably wrecks men's lives.

(In the interests of fairness, I should also mention that Spacey attempted to skip his forthcoming hearing in Nantucket, Massachusetts, and that request was denied on New Year's Eve.)

Yes. Let’s unpack this here a bit. So in the span of two days, you had Kevin Spacey’s unbelievably cringe worthy attempt to make a comeback (ed. note: we won’t encourage that kind of behavior, so we won’t post it, you can find it on Youtube) and then you had Louis CK’s attempt. But really who the fuck has a live phone on when there’s a live performance in front of you???

Like many others, I spent a few grudging minutes listening to the recently leaked recording of comic Louis C.K.’s now iconically controversial stand-up set from an unannounced gig last month in Levittown, N.Y.

It was another of C.K.’s tentative steps back onto the comedy stage after his self- (but mostly Internet-) imposed mini-exile following accusations that he masturbated in front of several non-consenting women. After just a year out of the spotlight, he seemed to be starting from scratch — though it felt more like scraping.

Weeks after the set, recordings started circulating around the Internet, trimmed to showcase some select bit from C.K.’s routine, including tried-and-tired whines against the idea of honoring preferred pronouns for trans people and nasty jabs at survivors of the Parkland school shooting.

“You’re not interesting because you went to a high school where kids got shot. You didn’t get shot! You pushed some fat kid in the way and now I’ve got to listen to you talking?”

Look I get it, there’s plenty of reasons to dislike Louis CK, how about the fact that he’s a colossal piece of shit? I’m not defending what he did, I’m defending his profession. Here’s the thing in the comedy world too – people make jokes based on what the hot button issues are. And he shouldn’t have gone there, but he did. And now we have to deal with it. And here’s the thing – don’t start talking about what topics a comedian can and cannot discuss, because that’s censorship. And we all lose when that happens.

Comedian Louis C.K., who fell from grace after admitting in November 2017 that he had serially masturbated in front of various women, is back in the news after audio footage of his new material leaked online. The set, performed at a Long Island comedy club called Governor's on December 16, at various points mocks the Parkland kids, takes young people to task for being preoccupied with gender pronouns, and discusses the dick sizes of various ethnic groups.

In other words, the new stuff is pretty much exactly in line with Louis C.K.'s previous material, which was equally dedicated to the slaughter of sacred cows. His 2008 special, Chewed Up, for instance, opened with him using the word "faggot"—he moved onto the c-word and the n-word shortly thereafter—and ended with him joking about masturbating on 9/11.

You might not think this kind of humor is funny, and that's fine. Moreover, you might think Louis C.K., who initiated sexual situations with unwilling women, is a creepy person who has lost the right to joke about uncomfortable subjects. That's also fine. But it would be silly to pretend that Louis C.K. has undergone some sort of change or deliberate pivot. He's just doing his same old shtick.

And I think that Louis CK doesn’t either. By the way comedy isn’t dead, in fact it’s alive and well – which is why you people are at this show! Ah, see how I turned it around there? But like I said the minute you attack the subject matter, we all lose! Just ask Chris Rock.

The 2019 New York Film Critics Circle Awards featured a star-studded roster of memorable surprise presenters, from Kathryn Bigelow to Naomi Watts, Martin Scorsese, Steve Martin, and Ellen Page, but no one earned a more rapturous response than Chris Rock. The comedian took the stage to present fellow comedian and breakout “Eighth Grade” director Bo Burnham with this year’s Best First Film prize, but he ended up stealing the show himself.

Rock started his brief time at the podium with a pointed dig at the current cultural climate for making life extremely difficult for comedians. “If it was five years ago, I could say something really offensive and funny right now,” Rock said, “but I can’t do that anymore, so…heyyyy!” The joke arrived in the wake of controversies involving controversial jokes made by Kevin Hart and Rock’s friend Louis C.K. Hart has gone on record saying he will not host the Oscars after stepping down due to backlash over past jokes containing LGBTQ slurs, while C.K. was the center of backlash after a leaked December comedy set contained jokes about gender pronouns and the Parkland school shooting survivors.

Unsurprisingly, Rock had no problem being funny despite joking he is no longer allowed to crack jokes. The comedian earned big laughs while setting up Burnham’s movie, saying, “There are lot of movies out right now, but the best one about eighth grade is ‘Eighth Grade.’ It’s a touching tribute to the eighth grade! I never thought I would want to relive the eighth grade until I saw this movie. Bo, I could’ve played that dad, I would’ve fucking killed that part. but we’ll deal with that another time.”

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font]

Hit it!

Of course by now you know that people are people, and people are dumb. And while we took a break the last couple of weeks for New Year’s, there has really been no shortage of stupid people. I mean come on, if stupid people took a break during the Christmas holiday why would we even need a reason for the internet? I know, right? Thank you sir! But who was stupid while we were away? Well plenty of folks for starters! For instance this is the new year and one of my favorite lists comes out at this time of the year, and it’s Deadspin’s list of things people went to the hospital for that they stuck in certain body parts. Yes, this is most certainly cringe worthy!

Happy new year, one and all. This year, resolve to take better care of your dick and balls; last year you did a really bad job of it.

Last week we examined what Americans got stuck up their butts; now it’s on to the opposite of the butt, the penis. All patient descriptions are taken verbatim from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits:






I want to know more about the boiling hot peas story! Next up we go to Sri Lanka for this story and I don’t know if these people have ever seen Blazing Saddles but maybe they should, I don’t know, check to see if there’s a real person there first before attempting to offer a bribe?
Sri Lankan police have arrested two people who posted a Facebook video showing one of them pretending to give a bribe to a traffic police cutout.

In the footage, a motorcyclist is seen offering money to the life-size figure of an officer with a speed gun in the northern town of Vavuniya.

The man in the video and his friend who filmed it have been released on bail.

They are charged with damaging public property, and humiliating and creating a bad public image of the police.


Really? Creating a bad public image of the police is a crime in Sri Lanka? The police already have a bad public image to begin with, I’m not sure they really need that! OK next up we go to the land down under, Australia for this one. What’s with people and spiders lately? Last year we had that guy who tried to kill spiders with a blowtorch. This year is already one week old and we have a guy yelling at a spider to… die!

Police in Western Australia have confirmed they sent multiple officers to an emergency call that turned out to be a screaming man with a “serious fear” of spiders.

A concerned passerby was walking outside a house in suburban Perth when they heard a toddler screaming and a man repeatedly shouting “Why don’t you die?”

After they called triple zero, officers arrived to find a man “trying to kill a spider”, who apologised for having an extreme fear of the arachnid.

The Wanneroo police Twitter account posted a screenshot of the police log of the incident on Wednesday morning.

“Caller walked past the AA and heard a male screaming out ‘Why don’t you die’ – repeatedly,” the log read. “The toddler inside was screaming … caller doesn’t know them, but has seen them a few times when walking”.

Yeah it was probably like that. Next up, what’s a People Are Dumb without a visit from our good friend Florida Man? Yes, it’s the new year and apparently Florida Man and Florida woman both made resolutions to stay exactly the same. First up, we go Pinellas County where, Florida Man got something unfortunate stuck up the place where the sun don’t shine:

A Florida Man denied ownership of three syringes removed from his rectum during a 4:30 AM strip search at a county jail, according to a criminal complaint.

Cops arrested Wesley Scott, 40, early Friday on an outstanding warrant charging him with drug possession. While being searched in the field, Scott denied having any illegal items concealed on (or in) his body.

But when Scott, seen at right, arrived at the Pinellas County jail and was subjected to a strip search, he “removed three syringes from his rectum and provided them” to a jailer. Scott then claimed that he “found” the syringes and that "they were not his."

Well at least whatever was put up his ass was retired! And I love that he played the “It’s not mine” defense, because that almost never works. Finally this week we have another Florida Man story and a very cringe-worthy news article. You know the people writing the headline for this one couldn’t wait to make the “party pooper” joke.

A Florida teacher is bringing new meaning to the phrase ‘party pooper’.

A Florida substitute teacher accused of spreading human feces on tables and grills at a park where a principal was set to host a birthday party told deputies she was “displeased” with how the principal was handling a professional issue.

News outlets report that a Sarasota County Sheriff’s Office report says Phillippi Shores Elementary School substitute teacher Heather Carpenter told deputies she spread the feces Dec. 1 to disrupt the birthday party Principal Allison Foster had planned for her daughter.

Damage to the park totaled more than $2,300, including grills and tables that had to be replaced. Carpenter, 42, was charged with damaging property and criminal mischief.

The Sarasota Herald-Tribune reports Carpenter didn’t respond to a request for comment Monday.


That’s it this week for:

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Deep State Diaries Episode 25: The Department Of The Interior
[br] [/font]

It’s time for episode 25 of Deep State Diaries. Yes we’re touring the 24 branches and services that make up the United States government. Everything from the FBI to the IRS to the Pentagon to the CIA to the DPW to the DVA to parks and recreation and all branches and services in between. Of course if you’re here you probably already know more about our government and how it works than your average Fox News loving Trump supporter does. So that’s what this segment is going to address. We are going to do a deep dive into all that makes the United States the United States. Because we here at the Top 10 love to educate as well as entertain. Because we care.

[font size="6"]The Department Of The Interior[/font]

Now we here at Deep State Diaries are beginning to explore the depths of the president’s cabinet and one of those positions is the Secretary Of The Interior. You might remember that position from the movie Idiocracy when President Cammacho appoints Joe (Not Sure) to the position and his goal is to figure out what’s causing a massive dust bowl and leading to why humanity can’t grow crops. So what does the department of the interior do? Well being in charge of our national parks is one thing and it’s a super important position. But of course Trump only appoints the best people to the position and you know who he appointed when he first took office? A guy named Ryan Zinke, who is in some absolutely serious trouble right now.

Ryan Zinke is out as secretary of the interior.

Zinke will be leaving the Trump administration at the end of the year; his successor is expected to be announced next week.

On Saturday morning, President Trump tweeted that Zinke is leaving after serving for almost two years. He said Zinke has accomplished much during his tenure and thanked him for his service.

Zinke's departure comes after a tumultuous two years at the department, marked by mounting allegations of misconduct in office. He also faced the prospect of congressional probes after newly elected Democrats take majority control of the House.

The former Navy SEAL and one-term Montana congressman showed up for his first day at the Interior Department on horseback, promising to model himself after Theodore Roosevelt, the famed conservationist and 26th president.

If you want any further proof that we’re currently living in Idiocracy, look no further than the Department Of The Interior and how well its’ going. I wouldn’t trust these guys in the least to find out what’s going on with dead crops. I wouldn’t even trust them to fix a clogged toilet!

The U.S. Department of Justice is investigating whether President Donald Trump’s former Interior Secretary, Ryan Zinke, lied to Department of Interior investigators in what could be a potential criminal violation, the Washington Post reported on Thursday.

The Post, citing three people familiar with the matter, said the former Cabinet official was the center of two probes by his department’s inspector general: one involving his real estate transactions in Montana and another over his role in a review of a Connecticut casino project proposed by Native American tribes.

Zinke left the administration on Wednesday but had made no public mention of the ethics investigations upon his departure from Interior, which oversees America’s vast public lands. Trump did not give a reason for the departure when he announced it last month.

The people familiar with the matter said Interior investigators had referred the matter to the Department of Justice after coming to believe that Zinke had lied to them about his dealings, according to the Post.

Yeah probably. There was a great Onion article where they said that the Dept of Interior was using mallets to rid our national parks of its’ mole population. Yes, that’s right – whack a mole! I think in this case I’d rather play whack a Trump troll, and in this case it’s Ryan Zinke!

When a government agency wants to attract as little public attention as possible to a new policy, it announces it on a Friday at 4 p.m. Eastern, a time at which many reporters are eyeing the clock in anticipation of happy hour. If the policy is really controversial, the agency will announce it just before a holiday. And if the policy is really, really controversial, the agency won’t even make an announcement, it will simply post it in the Federal Register—ideally between Christmas and New Year’s.

That’s what the Department of Interior (DOI) did on December 28, when it submitted proposed changes to how it will manage public requests under the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA). Such requests are one of the main tools journalists and advocacy groups use to learn details about government activities, and they can lead to kinds of revelations that ultimately forced Secretary of Interior Ryan Zinke out last month. Though he once said he planned to run “the most transparent Interior” in our lifetime, it was hardly surprising at this point that Zinke, who scribbled an inscrutable final goodbye with a chunky red pen last week, would approve an attempt to undercut Americans’ access to information about the workings of the DOI.

The proposed changes would give the agency almost unlimited discretion to deny FOIA requests. In the Federal Registry notice, the DOI says that in “light of the unprecedented surge in FOIA requests and litigation,” it would now deny “burdensome” or “vague” requests, or those that require “the bureau to locate, review, redact, or arrange for inspection of a vast quantity of material.”

And in case you’re wondering who they got to replace Mr. Zinke, well, you know we said that Trump always has the reputation of hiring the best people. And well, the replacement that he got is almost as bad as Zinke is! Well, almost!

Now that Ryan Zinke has resigned as the head of the Interior Department, his deputy David Bernhardt has begun serving as acting secretary. President Donald Trump said last month he would name a permanent replacement but has yet to do so.

This handover of power at Interior has been striking in its similarity to the change in leadership at the Environmental Protection Agency last year, where an experienced DC insider replaced a high-profile outsider.

Former EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt, who made a name for himself as Oklahoma’s attorney general suing the EPA 14 times before taking office, resigned last July after ethics complaints and investigations into his ostentatious conduct became too much for the White House to bear. He was replaced by his deputy Andrew Wheeler, a former coal lobbyist and Senate staffer who’d previously worked at the EPA. Acting Administrator Wheeler has kept a much lower profile than Pruitt while steadily advancing Trump’s agenda.

Like Wheeler, Bernhardt is a former industry lobbyist and has previously worked at the Interior Department. He’s likely to be at the helm for a while and may even end up as the permanent secretary.

[font size="6"]Score Card [/font]

Overall importance: C-
How Things Are Going: B
Likely hood To Survive: B+

Overall: B-

[font size="6"]Next Week [/font]

Next week we’re blasting off into deep space by hanging out with NASA!

[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Anderson.Paak[/font]

Folks my next guest is one of the best hip hop artists of the last few years, his new album is called “Oxnard” and you can see him on tour in March. Playing his song called “Tints”, give it up for Anderson Paak!

Portland, we love you! This was a great city to start the season, we are off to Seattle next! See you next week!


Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: McMenamin’s Baghdad Theater, Portland Oregon
Special Thanks To: McMenamin’s Group
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: Cascade Church Band, Portland, OR
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Anderson.Paak Appears Courtesy Of: Aftermath Entertainment
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com

Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

0 replies, 260 views

Reply to this thread

Back to top Alert abuse

Reply to this thread