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Wed Jan 2, 2019, 06:00 PM

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Best Of #7: New Year's Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Best Of #7: New Year’s Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Oh, hello! Yeah we’re just tidying up the set here for our big return on January 9th. Can’t believe that the new year is already here huh? And man glad to say goodbye to 2018 and ring in the new year with us! So this year we’ve got some big things planned for the Top 10 including our big Texas Road Trip! Plus season 7 is going to take us through some of this country’s biggest learning institutions. That’s right – we are going to college! So while we haven’t announced tour dates yet – that will be revealed in a future Best Of, do we go to Syracuse or Notre Dame or Ohio State or San Diego State or UCLA and everywhere in between! So the tour dates will be announced in the next Best Of edition, but before that we’ve got the details of what we’ve got planned for the start of Season 7 and that is that we’re going on a road trip through Texas! Yes, our quest to find out if liberals exist in the Lone Star State is going to be epic! So here is the itinerary for that:

6/12/19 – El Paso, Texas – the Comic Strip
6/19/19 – San Antonio, Texas – LOL Comedy Club
6/26/19 – Austin, Texas – Cap City Comedy Club
7/10/19 – Houston, Texas – Houston Improv
7/17/19 – Fort Worth, Texas – Dallas Improv

So there you have it, that’s what we’ve got planned in store. But now we’re getting ready for heading out on the road to new places across this great country of ours. OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first we have to play the intro from Saturday Night Live where John Goodman played Rex Tillerson and had one of my favorite SNL lines of the year:


Where do we begin with the Best Of? Well to start with from Idiots #5-20 another tribute eliminated from Trump’s cabinet means another installment of the Trumper Games (1)! This time it’s Tribute Sessions who got eliminated by the President himself! In the second slot from Idiots #5-9, we lost a living legend when music superstar Aretha Franklin passed away, and conservatives (2) attempted to pay their respects to her, but failed big time! In the third slot, from Idiots #5-16, while Alex Jones (3) has lost literally everything thanks to his harassment of the Parkland students, there’s someone keeping Infowars afloat, but who? In the fourth slot, from Idiots #5-10, after *ANOTHER* major mass shooting – this time at a video game tournament in Florida, the NRA (4) has come up with some just ridiculously asinine solutions to stop mass shootings which include blaming everything but the guns. At number 5, from Idiots #5-8, our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates (5) is going to take a look at a really disturbing trend in the funeral industry called “extreme embalming” and yeah, it’s way creepier than it sounds! For the sixth slot is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week our resident pastor is going to do a deep dive in to Portland’s alt right Christian fight club hate group known as “Patriot Prayer”. For the 7th slot, we have a first ever Idiots lost entry! It was supposed to be in our season finale but got cut for “Explaining Jokes To Idiots”, so we’re presenting it to you here! Beating a Dead Horse (7) asks the question “Is it OK to have sex with robots?” (spoiler alert: no!). In the 8th slot, from Idiots #5-13, with Youtube cracking down on hate content, we’re going to ask Red Ice: How Is This Still A Thing?. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot, from Idiots #5-18 is one of our favorite segments – People Are Dumb (9) which includes among other things, a Florida man attempting to kill spiders with a blowtorch and burning his house down! And finally for the last spot, from Idiots #5-12, our series that explains how government works to your Trump loving conspiracy theorist friends and relatives, Deep State Diaries, is going to hang out with the US Navy! Plus we’ve also got that time when Gorillaz stopped by the show! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Jeff Sessions
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From: Idiots #5-20

Happy Trumper Games! Hey everyone! I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ooh, it has been way too long, my pretties! Of course every day in this administration seems like it’s an eternity doesn’t it? Oh, strap in because if you thought the first two years were completely insane, wait until you see the next two! For the president has declared himself to be judge, jury and executioner. The last time we were here, Tribute Hayley from the 5th district has resigned. This week, the President simply removed Tribute Sessions from the 2nd district. You know, don’t ask me how the districts work because even I don’t know. Well, anyway here is the latest!

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was pushed out Wednesday as the country’s chief law enforcement officer after enduring more than a year of blistering and personal attacks from President Donald Trump over his recusal from the Russia investigation.

Sessions told the president in a one-page letter that he was submitting his resignation “at your request.”

Trump announced in a tweet that he was naming Sessions’ chief of staff Matthew Whitaker, a former United States attorney from Iowa, as acting attorney general. Whitaker has criticized special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into potential coordination between the president’s Republican campaign and Russia.

The resignation was the culmination of a toxic relationship that frayed just weeks into the attorney general’s tumultuous tenure, when he stepped aside from the Mueller investigation.

Oh that’s fierce, honey! Work it! And damn it, Charlie! Why must you bring me the cheap champagne? I want the good stuff! What? Management says that we can’t afford the good stuff? Very well then! But this is a huge upset for the Trumper Games. Tribute Sessions was very heavily favored above the rest, but that doesn’t stop the president from pulling a dick move and forcing Tribute Sessions to resign, because in the Trumper Games, anything can happen at any minute!

President Trump could wait no longer.

On Wednesday — a day after the midterm elections, with several races still too close to call — the president forced the resignation of his attorney general, Jeff Sessions. The New York Times quickly published a 1,300-word story, the first version of which had been written in July … of 2017.

That was after President Trump lashed out at Mr. Sessions in an interview. And for the past 16 months, Peter Baker, the chief White House correspondent, has been updating the story, and waiting.

“Every time something happened in the news that made us wonder if Sessions was about to resign or be fired, we would update it and make sure it was ready to go,” Mr. Baker said.

It was a type of article known in the newsroom as an H.F.O. — “Hold for Orders” — written and edited in anticipation of news that hasn’t happened yet. H.F.O.s are planned for scheduled events, like elections and inaugurations, but also the less predictable, the seemingly possible, and the inevitable. Their execution is essential procedure in daily journalism.

Don’t forget the crazy straw, Charlie! Yes, the president may be an abusive jackass and the textbook definition of a “horrible boss” but that doesn’t stop him from simply thinking that he is above the law and can do whatever he pleases!

The fallout after the midterm elections has begun. After a tumultuous relationship with President Donald Trump, Attorney General Jeff Session has resigned at the president’s request.

“We are pleased to announce that Matthew Whitaker, Chief of Staff to Attorney General Jeff Sessions at the Department of Justice, will become our new Acting Attorney General of the United States. He will serve our Country well,” the president tweeted.

“We thank Attorney General Jeff Sessions for his service, and wish him well! A permanent replacement will be nominated at a later date.”

Yes that is true! And in case you were wondering if the firing of Tribute Sessions had any effects on any kind of market, well this one, I can assure you, is for real! Yes, Tribute Sessions had a real problem with legalized pot, and was planning to escalate the war against it. But consider this a bonus as Tribute Sessions is… eliminated!

Jeff Sessions resigned as Attorney General Wednesday, which is a nice way of saying President Trump fired him. On the day after the 2018 midterms, in which the Democrats took control of the House, and on the tail end of a White House press conference that devolved into an alarming display of executive power, Sessions got the boot, giving us one more thing to react to. And probably because Sessions was a tyrant when it came to marijuana, spewing racist assumptions about how "good people" don't smoke it and supporting punitive policies that targeted people of color, cannabis stocks reacted very positively to the news.

CNBC reports that cannabis companies Canopy Growth, Aurora Cannabis, and Cronos Group all jumped up between 8 and 9 percent to close the day high. Canadian company Tilray shot up 30 percent. Data reporter Christopher Ingraham showed how the marijuana market as a whole surged (Trump announced Sessions' resignation at 2:44 p.m.):

Cannabis stocks weren't hurt by the midterm elections either, when Michigan voted to legalize recreational weed, and Utah and Missouri passed medical marijuana measures. Michigan itself adds millions of more potential weed buyers to the states, and for the first time makes a weed haven in the Midwest.

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[font size="8"]Conservatives Pay Tribute To Aretha Franklin
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From: Idiots #5-9

This week we lost a living legend. An icon of American arts, music and entertainment, and champion of civil rights, freedom, and diversity. I’m of course talking about Aretha Franklin. So the question arises – how do you honor a goddess among mere mortals? Well, there were lots of amazing tributes to Ms. Franklin, but that’s not what we are here to talk about. Instead we’re going to talk about the less sensitive ones coming from conservatives who don’t know how to pay R-E-S-PECT (see what I did there?) to one of the all time greats. Like our president for instance.

Trump reacted to news of the singer’s death during a Cabinet meeting the same day, offering his condolences to her family.

“She worked for me on numerous occasions,” he said. He also celebrated the “extraordinary legacy” of the soul, pop and R&B virtuoso, calling her “terrific.”

Trump’s comments proved, as ever, controversial, and not simply because her appearances at his properties hardly amounted to a sustained employment relationship. More pointedly, even if she had worked for him, some asked, what was the relevance of that fact on the day of her death?

“I find it disturbing and sad, and a reflection of his endless narcissism,” said David Ritz, who spent years with Franklin seeking to understand the guarded performer for his 2014 biography, “Respect: The Life of Aretha Franklin.” He also worked with Franklin on her 1999 autobiography, “Aretha: From These Roots.”

Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! So that happened. But let’s expand on that – only in white conservative America could a white supremacist like Trump ever claim that one of the most prolific black female singers of our time – was one of his employees!

Donald Trump isn’t particularly nice to anyone. His standard demeanor and language in disagreement or debate resemble the union of a road-rage incident and a bad game of the dozens. Even in agreement, he’s not a person for whom respect—of others or of the office he holds—is necessarily a guiding light. He does not run out of venom for opponents, and rarely has a word of unqualified praise for people who haven’t praised him first.

But if one pattern in his remarks about other people has crystallized in the past few months, it’s that the president employs a particular species of dismissive language when he’s talking about black women. After spending a good chunk of his first year in office attacking black men, his sophomore year has involved high-profile verbal attacks against high-profile black women. And, as evidenced by his recent remarks on the death of the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, his need to subordinate black women, even without enmity, is a primary drive.

“I want to begin today by expressing my condolences to the family of a person I knew well,” Trump said Thursday during a Cabinet meeting. “She worked for me on numerous occasions. She was terrific—Aretha Franklin—on her passing. She brought joy to millions of lives and her extraordinary legacy will thrive and inspire many generations to come.”

Nah, there’s no holding or waiting. Trump was a dick and he’s so senile that he actually thought that Aretha worked for him. And here’s where it gets horrible. Aretha *HATED* Trump with the fiery passion of 1,000 suns. So he definitely ain’t giving her any R-E-S-PECT. R-E-S-PECT this, Trump!

Aretha Franklin made her feelings on President Donald Trump crystal clear behind closed doors.

The Respect singer, who died on Thursday after a battle with pancreatic cancer, was reportedly invited to perform at Trump’s inauguration ceremony in January 2016 but declined the offer as she didn’t agree with his political agenda.

According to the Daily Beast, Aretha told friends privately that ‘no amount of money’ could have persuaded her to perform at the inauguration.

Another source told the website that Aretha ‘despised’ everything Trump stood for and placed her support in his Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton, during the presidential race.

Weeks before Trump was sworn into the White House, The Hill asked Aretha if she would provide the soundtrack, to which she replied: ‘That’s a good question. That’s a very good question. We’ll see.’

Oh and here’s where it gets weird, because, why wouldn’t it? Apparently Trump was begging Aretha to perform at his inauguration, and well, she turned it down. Shit, Trump couldn’t even get an Aretha impersonator!

As we all have learned, Aretha Franklin wasn’t just the Queen of Soul, she also fought for justice. Ms. Franklin was close to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and sang at his funeral. She offered to post bail for Angela Davis in 1979, saying, “I’m going to see her free if there is any justice in our courts, not because I believe in communism, but because she’s a Black woman and she wants freedom for Black people.” Franklin also sang at three inaugurations: Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama. However, there is reportedly one inauguration she refused to lend her voice — Trump’s. And a new report claims he was begging the Queen of Soul.

Franklin “hated” the rise of Trump. Tom Barrack, the chairman of the Presidential Inaugural Committee, was attempting to book Aretha, The Daily Beast reports, writing, ” Trump had long considered the legendary singer a friend, and wanted the offer framed as an opportunity to help bring the country back together after a brutal, bruising presidential election.”

A “source” told The Daily Beast that Franklin said “no amount of money” would persuade her to perform for him at the inauguration. Also, “Another knowledgeable source described her as ‘despising’ everything he stood for, as an avowed Hillary Clinton supporter.”

The Daily Beast said Barrack’s spokesman declined to comment on the story.

Of course this should be no shocker. Unlike Omarosa, Ms. Franklin was able to clearly see who Trump was.

And just when you think it couldn’t get any more insensitive, along comes Fox News and they had an even worse tribute for Aretha than Trump did! Yeah can we show that?

Praise poured in for Aretha Franklin Thursday following the news of her death from pancreatic cancer at the age of 76. Fans and fellow artists tweeted about her lasting influence, news channels ran touching retrospectives and a makeshift memorial sprung up at her Hollywood Walk of Fame star.

Somehow Fox News got it wrong.

During a video tribute to the Queen of Soul, Fox featured a graphic with two images of singers. The primary picture on the left was definitely one of a smiling Franklin. The secondary picture on the right, with the words “Aretha Franklin Singer 1942-2018” below it, was definitely Patti LaBelle.

Can we show that?

Wanna get away? You know what? Let’s play some Aretha.

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[font size="8"]Alex Jones
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From: Idiots #5-16

Remember that episode of Seinfeld where George’s boss discovers that he faked being handicapped and attempted to fire George, and George refused to leave, so the boss did everything he could to force George out? Well it’s kind of like that for Infowars, and we may need to get the Sad Hulk Music going for this one. But apparently there’s one outlet that’s still mysteriously keeping Infowars alive and it’s getting really strange. For those of you keeping score at home here’s who has banned Infowars so far. Paypal.

Alex Jones, founder and lead host of Infowars, has been booted off nearly every social media platform, lost access to advertising and web-hosting services, and is now denied service by the payment processor PayPal—but he is still able to generate revenue from his operation using a Visa-owned payment solution called Authorize.Net.

Because of his hateful rhetoric and bad-faith proliferation of conspiracy theories, Jones has been banned from using Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Apple, Spotify, Stitcher, MailChimp, PayPal, and many online advertising services.

Authorize.Net services, according to its website, “more than 430,000 merchants, handling more than 1 billion transactions and $149 billion in payments every year.” Authorize.Net’s parent company is CyberSource, which Visa acquired in 2010. One of the merchants the service works with is the Infowars web store, where Jones sells nutritional supplements and prepper supplies at inflated prices. The code running the Infowars checkout page, specifically the credit card verification system, routes to Authorize.Net.

In the terms of use presented on Authorize.Net’s website, the payment processor does not require users agree to any policies forbidding them from using the service to facilitate hate and harassment online. Color of Change, a nonprofit civil rights advocacy group, lists Visa as an “engaged” company, meaning that Visa has “no acceptable use policy but has actively removed groups under pressure,” including white supremacist groups. In the terms listed, the company says it does not assume responsibility for what its clients do and sell and that it does not guarantee “you will be satisfied with their products, services or practices.”

I can imagine that will eventually happen to Infowars. I mean could you imagine that Alex is climbing through the vents at Infowars HQ screaming about the “Deep State”? I’m just laughing just thinking about this scenario – and he’s already red enough! So guess what? Alex is fighting back! He’s suing Paypal because, reasons.

Far right conspiracy theorist Alex Jones is suing PayPal over claims that his InfoWars website was blocked due to political bias.

PayPal is one of several technology companies that have banned the controversial site from their platform, with Twitter, Facebook and Spotify all saying that Mr Jones' promotion of hate and violence is in violation of their policies.

InfoWars has previously reported that the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting in 2012 – in which 20 students and six staff members were killed – was a hoax.

In a 15-page complaint, Mr Jones' company Free Speech Systems claims that the bans are purely political.

"It is at this point well known that large tech companies, located primarily in Silicon Valley, are discriminating against politically conservative entities and individuals, including banning them from social media platforms such as Twitter, based solely on their political and ideological viewpoints," the complaint states.

Oh Alex, how many times do we need to tell you? You’re not getting banned because of your political bias, you’re getting banned because you’re a hateful dick! And companies these days don’t want to be associated with hate speech. And I thought you guys hated trial lawyers! Or are you going to represent yourself? And you know what they say about that right?

The publisher of the controversial Infowars website sued PayPal Inc. on Monday claiming that the payment site “discriminated against Plaintiff based on its political viewpoints and politically conservative affiliation, thus violating the California Unruh Civil Rights Act.”

On Sept. 21, PayPal informed Free Speech Systems, LLC, the owner of the websites at infowars.com and prisonplanet.com, that it would cease processing payments for the sites. “PayPal is engaged in unfair business practices by enforcing its contractual terms in an unconscionable manner, namely arbitrarily banning plaintiff from its platform for off-platform speech despite never claiming it might ban users for off-platform activity,” wrote the sites’ lawyer, Marc J. Randazza, of the Randazza Legal Group in Las Vegas.

A Paypal spokesman told Courthouse News Service on Monday that company was “aware of the filing and believes the claims in the complaint are without merit.”

No, they do have merit. See, we point out time and time again that companies have this thing called a “terms of service agreement” that you probably didn’t read when you signed up, so of course you’re going to scream “wolf”. By the way one of Trump’s favorite punching bags – CNN’s Jim Acosta, nailed it when he described Infowars:

The Washington Post’s Paul Farhi followed CNN chief White House correspondent Jim Acosta as he covered yet another Trump rally. Yes, Acosta continues to receive taunts and insults, but according to Farhi, tons of rallygoers also also ask him for selfies, while the countless other journalists continued to go about their business unrecognized and unbothered.

The reception Acosta gets abroad is far different, where people are much more polite towards the press, Farhi writes, than “the different country” Acosta says he sees when in Erie or in Tampa, Fla.

Acosta tells Farhi that Trump isn’t always the source of the anger. It’s increasingly conservative media outlets, like Fox News.

“A lot of people view this through the prism of conservative media,” Acosta tells Farhi. “If you stay on Fox, Infowars, Breitbart or Daily Caller, you’ll see something [inflammatory] about us. That’s what supercharges everyone.”

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[font size="8"] The NRA & Betsy DeVos
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From: Idiots #5-10

When mass shootings are at an all time high, what’s a country already addicted to the raw power of the firearm going to do when people are getting killed at an alarming rate? Well, you can do one of two things. The first you can do is to throw more guns at it. The second is to blame everything but the gun the next time some nut with a gun goes off and starts murdering a whole bunch of people. Well, Betsy DeVos decided to do the former, while the NRA decided to do the latter. Let’s explain more:

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is considering whether states can use federal grant money to buy guns for schools, including possibly arming teachers, after receiving queries from Texas and Oklahoma, people familiar with the matter said.

The idea drew swift criticism from Democrats, teacher unions, education groups and gun control activists, who said the response to school shootings should be fewer guns, not more. But President Donald Trump and others have argued that arming teachers would "harden" schools and make them less likely targets for mass shootings.

Texas and Oklahoma were seeking clarity on spending funds from Student Support and Academic Enrichment grants, which can be used for a wide range of school expenses.

Some opponents said firearms were never considered when the grants were created in 2015. But the $1.1 billion program has few restrictions on it, and some argued DeVos may have little choice but to give states the flexibility that Congress wrote into the law.

Now don’t boo just yet. Consider this was said the week that yet *ANOTHER* mass shooting happened, and it’s quite insane. We go to Jacksonville in of course Florida. Mass shootings are so common place anymore that it’s unbelievable that this isn’t #1 this week but in an era of sheer stupidity this isn’t all that surprising.

The young men had gathered at Chicago Pizza in Jacksonville, Fla., to conduct some serious business: crushing one another at “Madden NFL 19” as their fans watched online.

The finalists in Sunday’s regional video game tournament would proceed to the Madden Classic in Las Vegas, where the top prize is $25,000. David Katz, a slender 24-year-old who nicknamed himself “Bread,” had traveled from Baltimore to compete — only to be eliminated, witnesses said.

But Katz wasn’t done. As his competitors continued to game Sunday, Katz got a handgun and opened fire in the pizzeria. Horrified fans watched the violence unfold on a livestream online.

The shooter “targeted a few people” before killing himself, according to Stephen “Steveyj” Javaruski, one of the gamers, who took shelter in a bathroom.

At the end of it, Katz and two of his competitors were dead: Elijah Clayton and Taylor Robertson — better known to their rivals and fans in the gaming world by the handles they adopted for the screen.

Well see it’s our policy here not to joke about tragedy so we won’t try. But the Ravens losing is hardly the worst thing about this story. You really want to add more guns to the situation? Yeah let’s get crossfire involved – that will teach the shooter a lesson! Of course if you saw the latest round of excuses coming from the NRA…. Well…

"A horrible tragedy. End gun free zones or have the security in place to keep people safe in them," Loesch tweeted as reports emerged about a shooting at Jacksonville Landing.

A gunman killed two people and injured nine others when he opened fire during a Madden NFL 19 tournament at the GLHF Game Bar. The suspect, identified as 24-year-old David Katz of Baltimore, Md., died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound, authorities said.

The Jacksonville Landing rules of conduct bar visitors from bringing a weapon onto the property, even if it is legally owned and carried. Only law enforcement officers are exempted.

The NRA has called for an end to "gun free zones," particularly following a number of recent shootings. The organization renewed its calls for the change following a shooting at a Parkland, Fla., high school in February, reasoning that schools should be "hardened" to protect against potential threats.

Opponents of the policy have called for stricter gun laws, with some Democrats supporting a ban on high-capacity weapons, and raising the minimum age requirement to purchase a firearm.

OK now you can boo!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! So…. So…. So…. So let me see if I can extrapolate Ms. Loesch's logic here. The way to end shootings is to get rid of zones where guns are forbidden. What could possibly go wrong with that? Not like that, sir! Ah, yes, that’s the challenges of doing a live show! Oh and here’s my favorite excuse – the reason mass shootings happen is because of headphones! Hey wait, you know, I have an ear piece in my ear right now, yeah it’s so my director can tell me what to do. Yes, we do have a director for this show!

Grant Stinchfield, a host for the National Rifle Association’s NRATV outlet, reacted to the mass shooting at a video game tournament in Jacksonville, FL, by criticizing a survivor who shared video of the incident for supposedly not hearing the shooting over his headphones.

The August 26 shooting, which took place at a Madden 19 tournament, left two people dead and nine others wounded.

The NRA, and NRATV, frequently focus on what victims of high-profile mass casualty could have supposedly done to avoid being shot rather than focusing on how the perpetrator was able to access weapons to carry out the attack.

During the August 27 broadcast of NRATV’s current events show Stinchfield, Stinchfield played a video (warning: disturbing) from tournament participant @LaYzR96 that he said showed the survivor not reacting to the shooting because he was wearing headphones. Stinchfield said, “There’s no running for cover, there’s not even any looking around. They’re still focused on the screen in front of them as someone is firing a handgun through the crowd.”

Stinchfield apparently is mistaken about what the video shows. No one is seen wearing headphones and the only headphones seen in the shot are draped over a computer monitor, not on someone’s head. The person filming seems aware of the shooting as it happens since the camera moves around without focusing on the screen. He also later tweeted about being “in shock that I actually was witnessing this when it was live.”

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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Extreme Embalming
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From: Idiots #5-8

Let’s spin the wheel shall we? Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! No, a whammy!!!

Spin it again! Oh hey New York City, it’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!

The questions about what happens when one dies are some extremely tough decisions to be made, such as “how will I be remembered?”. “What’s going to happen to my loved ones?”. “What will happen to my estate?”. Yes, you probably have those questions in your head and so much more. But really, the questions about how you will be remembered after you pass on is the one we are looking at for this discussion today. And you most likely don’t want to be remembered in this way. A disturbing new trend has emerged among the funeral industry called “extreme embalming”. Here’s more.

Two weeks after Renard Matthews was tragically shot and killed in his New Orleans neighborhood, the 18-year-old looked exactly how he had in life. At his wake, he lay slumped in an office chair in front of a TV "playing" NBA2K with his hands wrapped around a PS4 controller. Clad in sunglasses, socks and flip-flops, and a Celtics jersey, he even had his favorite snacks—Doritos and root beer—within reach. And that’s just how his family wanted it.

Matthews’s wake was the latest in a string of what funeral directors call "nontraditional" memorial services. Instead of displaying their loved ones in a casket, some families choose to pose the bodies in life-like scenarios to see them as they were in life before they’re laid to rest. The practice first appeared in Puerto Rico in 2008 as a more celebratory send-off to the deceased, with the Marín Funeral Home posing bodies propped up on motorcycles or standing in a makeshift boxing ring.

In 2012, "extreme embalming" funerals hit New Orleans, when the family of Lionel Batiste—the drummer in the famed Treme Brass Band—asked the Charbonnet-Labat-Glapion Funeral Home to lean him next to his bass drum, his hand resting on the cane he always carried. When Mickey Easterling, a New Orleans socialite known for her extravagant parties, died two years later, her family tapped Jacob Schoen & Son to throw her a final blowout, posing her in her signature feather boa with a cigarette in one hand and a champagne flute in the other. And then there was Miriam Burbank, a Saints fan whose daughters had Charbonnet deck her out like they’d always seen her: sitting at a table in black and gold, with a menthol cigarette between her fingers and a can of Busch beer at her side.

In fact the concept of non traditional funerals isn’t anything new. It’s gaining in popularity from where it was 5 years ago. In fact there’s a company that actually launches remains into space.

When US Army Infantry Soldier Steven Jenks was deployed in Iraq, he used to get letters from his mother signed like this: "No matter how lonely you feel and how far you are, always look at the moon and know I am with you. I love you to the moon and back."

So when his mother died of lung cancer, Jenks thought it befitting to send her remains to the moon. "I will know that she is looking down on my family and maybe they won't feel so alone," he said in a statement.

Jenks is the first client of Elysium Space, a company that offers "celestial services to honor and celebrate the life of someone you love." (In other words, they launch small amounts of cremated remains into space.) In a press release, Elysium said: "The time to change the vision of death from the underground to the celestial is now."

But even that isn’t anything new. However the concept has taken some interesting new turns and has generated controversy. Mainly – how do you prop up a corpse?

MIRIAM Birkbank is sat at a dining room table with a can of her favourite beer and a pack of cigs... but the 53-year-old isn't enjoying a relaxing evening at home after a long day's work.

In fact, she's dead - and her rigid body has been dressed up, contorted into position and put on display at the request of her family.

This is extreme embalming - where bodies are preserved by injecting them with a chemical fluid which makes them totally rigid - before being displayed in bizarre real life positions.

Corpses are forced into position by having their feet nailed to the floor, poles erected behind their necks - and even their limbs prized apart.

The demand for it is growing, with more and more people paying around £2,000 to have their loved one brought back to life for 2-3 days before the funeral takes place.

Yes, there’s actually a growing demand for non traditional and unusual funeral services. Of course people want to be remembered as they lived, not as they died. But is this acceptable in current society? Some might say yes and others say no. It’s a hotly debated topic but ultimately we’ll leave it to the deceased.

Charbonnet Labat Glapion Funeral Home, where Matthews' wake took place, is accustomed to handling "extreme embalming" requests. They have go-to specialists that prepare the bodies according to the families' specifications or the stated wishes of the deceased, and also offer traditional New Orleans jazz funerals.

"One time, we stood a deceased drummer from a grassroots band at a drum set," the funeral home told Yahoo Lifestyle.

At another Charbonnet Labat Glapion wake, Miriam "Mae Mae" Burbank, 53, was positioned at a table with a menthol cigarette, an ashtray, and a Busch beer, her fingernails painted in the colors of her beloved New Orleans Saints football team.

"A lot of people didn't accept what I was doing," Burbank's daughter Zymora Kimball told WGNO of her mother's 2014 bar-themed memorial. "I didn't let that stop me, and I know she's happy with how she's looking. That's her, that's Mae."

Other examples of "extreme embalming" have positioned the dead in superhero costumes, driving a car (with some mourners taking the time to sit beside the deceased), or simply sitting in a realistic fashion wearing their everyday clothes.

That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.

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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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From: Idiots #5-17

Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters of Philadelphia, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you why the holiest among us are also the most full of:

My fair congregation!!! You know that Saturday Night’s All Right For Fighting! I heard someone say something like that once. No it wasn’t Sir Elton, although that would make sense. Thank you sir! And while there’s a non secular fight club on the east coast called the “Proud Boys”, this group has been trying to take over Portland like nobody’s business. And just like that secular group, this group called “Patriot Prayer” is certainly going to take over downtown Portland. Or are they?

About two dozen supporters of the far-right Patriot Prayer group gathered Monday on a closed Clark College campus to protest a Washington ballot initiative.

Leader Joey Gibson told the ralliers that Monday's rally was a warm-up for Wednesday when he said they will return to the campus to try to talk to students about the importance of gun ownership.

Clark College President Bob Knight in a letter last week shut down campus Monday after the rally was announced. He encouraged students, staff and faculty to avoid the campus for the day if possible.

Only three or so students showed up. They followed Gibson and his supporters on a 15-minute walk from campus to the Interstate 5 overpass, where they waved U.S. flags and signs that urged people to vote no on Initiative 1639, which would raise the minimum age of semi-automatic rifle purchasers to 21 from 18. It would also impose a 10-day waiting period for semi-automatic purchases and require buyers to take firearms training.

Annabelle Forteo said she attends Clark College two days a week and was annoyed that one of those days was interrupted by the closure.

You know even the good LAWRD JAYSUS thinks this is ridiculous! I mean really I have read and memorized the Good Book from cover to cover and I don’t remember anywhere where it said that JAYSUS shot first and asked questions later! Thank you! I mean did he pray six times or only five? I don’t remember that passage! Yes, that was from the book of Harry, sir! But once again there were more counter protesters than actual protesters. But of course if you’re going to show up to a Patriot Prayer rally, you’re going to get into a fight! Because that’s how they roll.

A demonstration billed as a march for "law and order" in the streets of Portland descended into chaos as rival political factions broke into bloody brawls downtown Saturday night.

Members of the right-wing group Patriot Prayer and their black-clad adversaries, known as antifa, used bear spray, bare fists and batons to thrash each other outside Kelly's Olympian, a popular bar on Southwest Washington Street.

The melee, which lasted more than a minute, ended when riot cops rushed in and fired pepper balls at the street fighters.

The Portland Police Bureau reported seeing protest and counter-protest participants outfitted with hard knuckle gloves, knives and firearms earlier in the evening. Police said they made no arrests Saturday night, but will continue to investigate.

The wild scene unfolded amid mounting tensions among both groups, fueled in part by a pair of national news stories.

Sounds about right. Oh and nobody hates more than Patriot Prayer, they’re the original player haters, and like all horrible things, the group started shortly after the Dark One – whose name shall not be mentioned in my church - assumed power. But unlike that other group, the Patriot Prayer warriors are armed and dangerous, and they’re not afraid to use them!

Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler intended to look decisive Monday afternoon by announcing an emergency ordinance that would give police broad authority to control warring protest groups.

But as he justified his action, the mayor opened a can of worms. He described an alarming discovery—a nest of guns on a downtown roof—that raised more questions than it answered.

In the early morning of Aug. 4, hours before a massive waterfront protest, Portland police officers discovered a group of Patriot Prayer supporters on the roof of a parking garage in downtown. According to a description provided in the mayor's proposed ordinance, the men had a "cache of firearms," which a mayoral staffer would later describe as "long guns."

"Prior to the start of the scheduled demonstrations, police discovered individuals who had positioned themselves on a rooftop parking structure in downtown Portland with a cache of firearms," the ordinance says.

Yes, even SAYTAN himself condemns this group of prayer warriors to the fiery pits of the darkest regions of HELL! Because that’s where these sinners are going! But guess what? Just like Deadpool they’re taking their fight international! Coming soon to a city near you – this shit!

Fresh off another violent street brawl in Portland, Patriot Prayer is planning a pair of college campus visits to talk about guns -- but now is turning its attention to its home turf of Clark County.

Members of the right-wing group plan to be at Clark College on Oct. 22 and Washington State University Vancouver the next day to protest a state ballot initiative that would raise the minimum age of semi-automatic rifle purchasers to 21 from 18.

Joey Gibson, a Vancouver resident and Patriot Prayer's leader, said about three dozen supporters will hand out fliers encouraging students to oppose Initiative 1639, which would also impose a 10-day waiting period for semi-automatic purchases and require buyers to take firearms training.

Several campus groups at WSU Vancouver this week published an open letter to urge students and faculty not to attend class during Patriot Prayer's visit, citing the group's propensity for physical confrontations and its history of drawing white nationalists and other controversial participants to its events, The Columbian reported.

Clark College spokeswoman Hannah Erickson told the paper the school also had concerns about the group coming to its campus, which Gibson dismissed.

"They're not going to stop us talking to students. It's not going to happen," he told The Columbian, adding that Initiative 1639 was "fascist."

Well, Joey, you can talk all you want! Doesn’t mean that anyone is going to listen, and you’re probably going to get into a fight or two! By the way, how great is our gospel choir? Give it up for them! Can I get an amen??? But really the take away here is that these guys are dangerous and insane and you can’t get away from them!

The Oregonian/OregonLive has been able to identify the woman, but not the man. He's wearing a black hoodie emblazoned with the logo for AK Press, a book publisher that specializes in anarchist and radical literature.

The woman didn't respond to multiple phone calls and Facebook messages Thursday seeking comment. New York police and others associated with 9/11 can't confirm she was married to a 9/11 victim.

The episode occurred at the end of a Patriot Prayer march for "law and order" in downtown Portland that spiraled into a violent brawl between the right-wing group and its antifascist, or antifa, adversaries.

Later that evening, a man erupted at a woman standing near the corner of Southwest Morrison Street and Broadway.

"Why are you trying to block me?" says the man, adding an expletive.

There you have it folks! The devil has spoken and it is through Patriot Prayer! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:

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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse
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Ed. Note: This entry was originally cut from Idiots #5-24 but we are presenting it to you in its’ entirety. Enjoy!

Hey it’s time for:

Is it finally time to get serious about having sex with robots? That’s been a question for the ages as long as the concept of artificial intelligence has been around. We’ve seen this in quite a few movies recently like Her and Ex Machina. But is it time to get serious about the subject? Yes, the idea of a “robosexual” as the term was coined by Futurama is quite laughable. But with recent advancements in artificial intelligence, it seems like the inevitable of having sex with robots is becoming a real possibility!

Sex robots are not just coming, they are already here. In a world where we are more connected yet lonelier than ever before, what does this mean for sex, and what does it mean for relationships?

Artificial intelligence (AI) shouldn’t be seen as a substitute for human companionship, said Professor Kathleen Richardson, Professor of Ethics and Culture of Robots at De Montfort University in the UK, and founder of the Campaign against Sex Robots.

Professor Richardson spoke about the unforeseen consequences of sex robots at an event held at UNSW on Monday as part of the UNSW Grand Challenge on Living with 21st Century Technology.

Professor Richardson’s research shoots from a theory surrounding human attachment. Known as the ‘attachment crisis’, the theory suggests that, as society continues to fragment, we see an increase in loneliness as humans struggle to form and maintain intimate relationships with one another.

She rejects the notion that caregiver and therapeutic robots – in particular sex robots – can help humans cope with our inability to connect during this crisis of ‘human attachment’.

So let me ask you this professor, what happens when the sex robots become self aware? Also let me ask you this – would having sex with a robot while you’re married be considered cheating? Well, that brings up a very interesting point and also a very grey area – and yes – it is considered cheating!

Scientists found most people are open-minded about singletons making love to a sexbot.

A team at the University of Helsinki in Finland ran two surveys of 172 and 260 people, looking at whether bonking a robot for cash was morally acceptable.

Participants were asked their views on a scenario involving paying for sex with a doll or a human, according to the New Scientist.

Overall, married people who visited a brothel were most harshly condemned, women in particular.

But participants were less likely to frown upon single adults sleeping with sex workers or robots.

Robot relationship expert Thomas Arnold, from Tufts University in Massachusetts said: “Relationships seem to drive how people morally judge the use of sex robots.

“The more you start thinking about it as something that could compete against or interfere with your relationships, that seems to be what people morally object to.”

Seriously people, don’t date robots! It’s really that fucking simple! I mean we are going around in circles here, and when sex robot brothels are a thing you know that shit’s about to get real! And I mean we’re only a few years away from crazy ex girlfriend robots, yeah and guys, we really don’t want to go there, do we? But what about robot brothels?

Unicult's leader, Unicole Unicron, announced their goal of opening Eve's Robot Dreams with an Indiegogo campaign (that recently failed to meet more than one percent of its $155,000 goal). While the concept of a sex robot brothel isn't new—a recent attempt to open the first-ever bot brothel in Houston recently failed after the city council made it illegal to have sex with mechanical objects in local businesses—Eve's Robot Dreams is unique in its focus on consent.

In other words, in order for a client to have sex with one of the brothel's bots, the sex robots would have to agree to it first.

"The goal of Eve’s as an aspect of Unicult is to spread matriarchal change through AI and robots," Unicron told the Daily Beast. Unicron added that Eve's would be staffed entirely by Harmony, a model from Real Doll X that "warms up" to users through conversation. In order to have sex with Harmony, partners have to rack up "conversational points" with Harmony before she "consents" to sex.

Yeah sure leave it to a cult leader to convince the masses that sex with robots is a thing! But guess what – there’s conferences now on how to have sex with robots! Really, no, this is not an area we need to explore, people! But guess who one of their keynote speakers was? This might be one of my favorite stories of the year!

The organizer of an event bringing prominent nationalist Stephen Bannon to Missoula is seeking a faculty member from the University of Montana to debate the former presidential strategist.

In an email, organizer Adrian Cheok confirmed the ACE 2018 International Conference on Advances in Computer Entertainment Technology is “totally shut down,” aside from the appearance of Bannon.

Although the conference was scheduled to be held at UM, the university is not a sponsor.

“The [debate] topic is ‘the future of populism,’” Cheok said in an email. “We hope a UM professor will volunteer to join. … If you know of a professor at UM who would be good and willing to join the debate please tell me.”

Academic researchers cited concern about the quality of peer review for conference submissions and the affiliation with a separate forum called the International Congress on Love and Sex with Robots. In a boycott, a majority of presenters withdrew from the computer science event.


We can only imagine that’s exactly what the promoters of this event did after being found out that their event was cancelled after hiring Steve Bannon. nd by the way in case you were wondering, no, having sex with robots just is not good for you! It just isn’t!

As the sex robot industry continues to grow, so does the long lists of claims about why we should have sex robots.

We’re talking safer sex, helping with sexual dysfunction, treating paedophiles and sex offenders, alleviating loneliness, meeting people’s needs and desires, having therapeutic potential and changing societal norms. And recently a professor from the University of British Columbia claimed that sexbots could improve marriages as they would be more about love and less about sex.

According to Dr Bruce Y Lee, an associate professor of International Health at the John Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health this could pose a problem. “The concern is that sexbots may do the opposite by reducing real human contact, blurring reality (programming someone to do exactly what you want is not reality), encouraging unsafe practices that may then be used on humans, and creating unrealistic expectations of mates.”

“The overwhelmingly predominant market for sexbots will be unrelated to healthcare. Thus the ‘health’ arguments made for their benefits, as with so many advertised products, are rather specious,” wrote a pair of UK researchers Chantal Cox-George and Susan Bewley. They hunted down every study they could find on sexbots and their report was recently published in BMJ Sexual & Reproductive Health.

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[font size="8"]Red Ice TV: How Is This Still A Thing
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From: Idiots #5-13

Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop!!! Donald Trump!

If only, stadium banner. If only! Spin it again. Oh hey it’s time once again for:

Red Ice TV – how is this still a thing? With social media sites taking a stand and cracking down on hate content, one channel has managed to not only slip through the cracks, it continues to thrive and monetize. That channel is Red Ice – a Youtube channel by and for white nationalists. So while prominent media outlets for white supremacists like Identity Europa got the axe, others like Red Ice, still continue to exist.

The far-right white identitarian group Identity Evropa announced yesterday that its YouTube account had been suspended for “multiple or severe violations” of the site’s community guidelines on hate speech.

Identity Evropa describes its organization as “a fraternal organization for people of European heritage located in the United States that participates in community building and civic engagement.” Identity Evropa is part of a rebranded European identitarian movement driven inspired by prior generations of white supremacy. The Southern Poverty Law Center identifies Identity Evropa to be a white nationalist hate group. The group’s founder, Nathan Damigo, helped plan the 2017 Unite the Right event that brought neo-Nazis into the streets of Charlottesville, Virginia, and resulted in violence and the killing of counter-demonstrator Heather Heyer. In the United States, Identity Evropa has made headlines for quietly organized banner-drops and its recruitment of young adults into its rebranded version of the Western white supremacist movement.

Yesterday, the Twitter account associated with Identity Evropa posted that its YouTube account had been terminated. The group claimed, “This censorship is purely political—they want to silence us, but we’re not going anywhere!” On the page where the group used to host videos, a message reads, “This account has been terminated due to multiple or severe violations of YouTube’s policy prohibiting hate speech.”

Identity Evropa executive director Patrick Casey, who has recently picked up a job at the white nationalist web-based outlet Red Ice, said he was notified of the ban while he appeared on a podcast called “Revenge of the Cis” that features anti-Semitic and racist jokes presented under the guise of comedy. (That podcast is still available on YouTube. We have reached out to Google for clarification via email.)

Yes and Red Ice is one such Youtube channel where they continue to say some of the most racist shit imaginable and yet nothing happens to them. In fact if you want a sampling of the people who run the channel and the kind of quality racist content you can get, here’s who runs Red Ice.

YouTube shook up the far-right internet last month when it banned InfoWars chief Alex Jones from its platform, cutting the internet’s leading conspiracy theorist off from millions of viewers.

But YouTube’s crackdown on hate speech has mostly spared another, even more extreme channel that promotes hate: Sweden-based Red Ice TV.

Since it started as a conspiracy theory outlet in 2003, Red Ice grown into one of the racist alt-right’s leading voices on the internet, amassing nearly 230,000 followers on the site. But the channel remain on YouTube, with few restrictions on how YouTube users can find their videos in search or via recommendation algorithms.

Led by husband-and-wife team Henrik Palmgren and Lana Lokteff, Red Ice has become a gateway to other racist media, including neo-Nazi website The Daily Stormer.

YouTube kicked Jones off its platform for violating the site’s rules against hate speech, among other things, but Red Ice regularly promotes hate against immigrants and Jews, riling up its listeners with claims that white people are under facing extinction at hands of minority groups.

Yes so that happened. But if you want to get a peek at the kind of content you’ll see regularly on Red Ice TV, look no further than hosts Lana Lokteff and Lauren Rose.

Lana Lokteff, a host at the white supremacist web-based outlet Red Ice, made a video praising Fox News host Tucker Carlson for questioning whether diversity is a strength on his show, expanding that praise to argue that white men are discriminated against.

Lokteff is an unabashed “ethno-nationalist,” meaning that she advocates for immigration policies that would enforce a white supermajority in America and has declared that American “can never, ever, ever, be too white.”

In a video uploaded to Red Ice’s YouTube channel, Lokteff decries “forced multiculturalism,” a label she applies to changing attitudes about race relations in America, and dismisses evidence that shows that hiring a diverse group of workers can make companies more profitable. Lokteff argues, as she has before, that Europe was already contained diversity among its white majority because a variety of languages and cultural traditions existed among its white supermajority.

And yes that is most certainly true, especially in this case. There was also that time when Red Ice simply stopped giving a shit and went full 1488. And you never, ever go full 1488. There is simply no coming back from that.

A trio of YouTube personalities beloved by the racist alt-right discarded any attempts to hide their white nationalism, uploading a discussion yesterday in which they explicitly embraced “ethno-nationalism” and fretted that white people, the “founding stock” of America, are becoming a minority in the country.

Faith Goldy, a former Rebel Media reporter who has grown ever closer to the alt-right, joined Red Ice host Lana Lokteff and 4chan YouTube muse Lauren Rose in a video uploaded yesterday to deliver full-throated endorsements of ethno-nationalism, a movement that seeks to promote white supremacy in Western nations.

Which is probably true. Even Iowa representative Steve King – who is known to be horrifically racist at times, is a fan of Red Ice.

For the second time in three months, Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) has promoted the views of a prominent white nationalist on Twitter.

In a tweet posted early Wednesday afternoon, King quote-tweeted Lana Lokteff, a host for the white nationalist media outfit Red Ice, which the Southern Poverty Law Center has designated a hate group.

In his tweet, King argued incorrectly that Nazis were part of a left-wing movement.

The word “Nazi,” King wrote, “is injected into Leftist talking points because the worn out & exhausted ‘racist’ is over used & applied to everyone who lacks melanin & who fail to virtue signal at the requisite frequency & decibels. But...Nazis were socialists & Leftists are socialists.”

Yes, boo indeed. But when asked to tone down the content of their videos, Red Ice played very loosely with Youtube’s terms of service agreement. Which involved them skirting around the rules but still manages to put out hate content and monetize off of it.


Red Ice’s successful YouTube account is key to the outlet’s success, according to Hankes. When YouTube “limited” a few Red Ice videos, a punishment that makes it impossible to monetize the videos and harder to find through recommendation algorithms ,Red Ice panicked, said Hankes.

“When they first started getting videos put in the limited state by YouTube, they were apoplectic,” Hankes said.

YouTube has belatedly cracked down on at least one other Red Ice video this week, albeit only after being pressured via a viral Twitter thread.

Yes they simply don’t use Youtube to promote. They just use another social media platform to promote the hate they spew on another social media platform. That’s enough to make you ask – Red Ice TV:

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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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From: [link https://www.democraticunderground.com/100211347667 | Idiots #5-18]

Let’s spin that shit! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! Bankrupt? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Spin it again. Hey it’s time for People Are Dumb! Hit it!

So of course you know by now people are people and people are dumb. And we can never go one week without seeing some ridiculously dumb people. Who is stupid this week you might ask? Well let’s start with this story from Fresno. Look…. Look…. If you see a spider, I know your first instinct may be to try to kill it, but really, yeah, don’t be like this guy. Can we all agree on that one?

A house caught on fire after a man tried to kill spiders and get rid of webs, according to a fire department.

Fresno firefighters said the man was house sitting for his parents and used a blowtorch against black widows, KFSN-TV reported.

Fire department spokesman Capt. Robert Castillo said the man used the open flame outdoors, starting at a brick veneer section of the approximately 4,000-square-foot home. He eventually noticed smoke coming from the attic.

Fire trucks inundated a street by the home Tuesday night. About 27 firefighters responded.

It caused an estimated $10,000 in damage.

Yeah so maybe spiders and blow torches don’t mix. Although it is Fresno, they elected and continue to support Devin Nunes. Next up – we’re going overseas to the country of Belgium. So here’s the thing about heists – if you’re in one, maybe don’t return to the scene of the crime? Because that’s exactly what these guys did.

A gang of robbers walk into a shop. The owner asks them to come back later when he has more money, and when they do...

It feels like the makings of a joke, but for a Belgian e-cigarette shop owner this was a frightening reality.

Six people entered Didier's shop in the suburbs of Charleroi in daylight with the intent to rob him.

The salesman told the group to return at the end of the day, when he could give them more money. In the end though, he got them arrested instead.


This might be the dumbest heist since they bought the wrong masks in Baby Driver! Next up we go to Cleveland, Ohio. I don’t know if anyone saw Always Sunny In Philadelphia last week but Charlie got himself caught in a bear trap while going Home Alone against two burglars. Yeah that scene is clearly not to be imitated!

A 68-year-old man accidentally shot himself with a gun rigged at his back door.

Edwin Smith was caught in his own trap at about 11:30 a.m. Monday, at 124 Blevins Drive off of Stony Point Road outside of Shelby.

According to investigators, Smith had a shotgun set up facing his back door. He went outside to feed some squirrels. At some point, he opened the door and the gun fired and hit his right arm. Cleveland County Sheriff’s deputies did not immediately know if the contraption malfunctioned or if he forgot the weapon was rigged to fire.

“I’ve never seen anything quite like this,” said Capt. Jon Wright with the Sheriff’s Office.

First responders cautiously went through the home to be sure nothing else was rigged with weapons. The man was taken to Atrium Health in Shelby.

Wright said Smith was severely wounded but alert when he was transported.

Next we go to of course America’s penis, the state of Florida for this one. And you know we’re going to Orlando next week! But this might be one of the most Florida Halloween stories ever. So if you are going to a costume party or other Halloween party, and if you see two people fighting on the street dressed in costume, you’re in Florida!

A 19-year-old Florida man was arrested for allegedly assaulting his girlfriend Saturday night. According to the cops, the man, Patrick Gallway, did it while wearing an inflatable dinosaur costume. The incident started when Patrick Gallway demanded that he and his girlfriend go to a Halloween party, and she told him she didn’t want to go, according to the Smoking Gun

The police report filed by the St. Lucie police department states that the girlfriend told Gallway that she thought she and Gallway should spend the evening with friends and watch movies versus going to the Halloween party. That’s when an argument was initiated between the pair, and Gallway proceeded to hurl his new cellphone on the couch, breaking parts of it. The girlfriend then walked out of the living room in an attempt to defuse the escalating argument.

That’s when the dinosaur-clad Gallway followed her and attacked her, according to the police report. The document states that Gallway shoved her to the ground and held her there by her neck. The report additionally states that he made punching motions and flailed his arms toward areas of her face while holding her down.

Excuse me a minute! Finally this week we’re also sticking with America’s penis – and also speaking of penises – the Buffalo Bills have a very odd tradition going on with the team everyone loves to hate – the New England Patriots, and well, we question his methods of getting a dildo into a stadium.

ORCHARD PARK, NY-- A Florida man is facing charges for allegedly throwing a sex toy onto the field during Monday's Bills' game at New Era Field.

Erie County Sheriff's deputies say Michael Abdallah, 34 of Oveido, Florida was identified by witnesses and in-stadium video surveillance footage.

Abdallah is charged with disorderly conduct – creating a hazardous/offensive condition. He was taken to the Erie County Holding Center pending his arraignment in Orchard Park Town Court.

That’s it this week for:

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[font size="8"]Deep State Diaries Episode 12: The US Navy
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It’s time for episode 12 of Deep State Diaries. Yes we’re touring the 24 branches and services that make up the United States government. Everything from the FBI to the IRS to the Pentagon to the CIA to the DPW to the DVA to parks and recreation and all branches and services in between. Of course if you’re here you probably already know more about our government and how it works than your average Fox News loving Trump supporter does. So that’s what this segment is going to address. We are going to do a deep dive into all that makes the United States the United States. Because we here at the Top 10 love to educate as well as entertain. Because we care.

[font size="6"]The US Navy[/font]

Ahoy mateys! Welcome aboard! We need some music for this one!

OK so you know that our show policy now is that we will never make fun of anyone on active duty or our armed forces. But we can make fun of the situation right? I mean after all, it’s our god given first amendment right damn it! So no journey through the Deep State would be complete without paying a visit to one of the most important buildings in the United States of America – the Pentagon! And of course the Pentagon famously has 5 branches which we will all be exploring. Soon to be a sixth if we create Space Force under the Trump administration. But if you need to know what those are – they’re the Army, the Navy, the Air Force, the US Marine Corp, and the Coast Guard. Of which we will be exploring those later. But here’s what you should know what the Navy has been up to lately.

The U.S. surface Navy is moving rapidly toward buying a new large surface ship that will replace the aging cruisers, a ship that Navy leaders and experts say will need to be spacious to accommodate future upgrades and weapon systems.

The office of the Chief of Naval Operations Director of Surface Warfare, or OPNAV N96, has convened a “large surface combatant requirements evaluation team” to figure out what the Navy’s next large ship will look like and what it will need to do. The goal, according to the N96 head Rear Adm. Ron Boxall, will be to buy the first cruiser replacement in 2023 or 2024.

The acquisition process should kick off formally next year once a capabilities development document is completed, but a few main factors are driving the size requirement, Boxall said.

The fleet is pushing towards designs that can easily be upgraded without a major overhaul. To do that, the Navy thinks its going to need a lot of extra power for more energy-intensive weapons in the future, such as electromagnetic rail guns and laser weapons.

Apparently no boat is big enough for the US Navy. They need bigger boats and bigger boats! I mean what good is the USS Enterprise when the enemy already has a bigger ship waiting for them in the wings here? Yes, I do realize I almost said “shit”, sir, thank you. But what else has the Navy been up to? We have above water but what about underwater?

General Dynamics’ (GD) wholly owned subsidiary Electric Boat has been awarded a $480.6m contract modification to continue development of the US Navy’s next-generation Columbia-class ballistic-missile submarine.

Under the contract modification, the company will be responsible for providing funding for advance procurement, advance construction and long lead time material for the first Columbia-class (SSBN 826) nuclear submarine.

The US Navy intends to develop and deploy a fleet of 12 new Columbia-class SSBNs, with the construction of the lead sea-based strategic deterrent slated to commence at the end of 2020.

Initially awarded in September last year, the complete contract for the production of 12 vessels has a total potential value of $6.1bn.

I really wonder if actual US Navy troops love or hate that song? Hey if you do be sure to leave it in the comments after the show. If you don’t, we’ll post the best hate mail in a future Top 10! So we’ve covered above water and underwater. But what happens when the US Navy rolls out their latest vessel? See how I used Navy speak there?

On the Camden waterfront, the World War II-era battleship USS New Jersey can be found moored as a floating museum. Her fighting days long over, the state’s namesake — which was launched in 1942 — serves as a reminder of an earlier age of naval warfare.

Far to the south in Virginia, meanwhile, another USS New Jersey is slowly taking shape in a sprawling shipyard in Newport News.

Smaller and far deadlier than its hulking predecessor, the nuclear attack submarine SSN-796 will be the next ship to carry the state’s name.

Now about 43 percent complete, the New Jersey will be delivered to the U.S. Navy in late 2021, said a spokesman for Huntington Ingalls-Newport News Shipbuilding.

While only a few photos of the work in progress have been cleared for release, they show workers in tight spaces assembling interior modules of the submarine.

Excuse me a minute… OK moving on. So what is the take away here? The United States loves its’ boats and sea vessels, and the bigger they are the better they are! And the more firepower they can unleash on their wartime opponents! But the challenges that the US Navy faces are some of the more harder ones of the US military to face especially given the challenges of the sea.

The next time we have a big war, I think the Navy will be our armed service that is caught the most flat-footed.

Why? Because it hasn’t had its nose bloodied since 1945. That’s a long time to go without facing a serious combat challenge.

Yes, it has had violent losses, such as aboard the USS Stark. But there is not a single person wearing a Navy uniform that has experienced a full-on attack by an enemy fleet.

What will catastrophe look like? Well, to get a notion, rub together these two sentences from the September issue of Proceedings:

“Two things are certain in the perennial carrier debate—the Navy will have carriers for decades to come, and as long as it does, the argument about their centrality to the fleet will continue.”

[font size="6"]Score Card [/font]

Overall importance: A
How Things Are Going: A+
Likely hood To Survive: A+

Overall: A+

[font size="6"]Next Week [/font]

We’re hanging out again in the Pentagon next week as we are going to explore the impact that Trump’s proposed Space Force has had on the US Air Force!

[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Gorillaz[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is one of my favorite bands of the last few years. Their latest album is called “The Now Now”. You can see them October 20th at the Demon Days Festival at the Pico Rivera Sports Arena in Pico Rivera, California. Playing their song “Hollywood”, give it up for Gorillaz!

We hope you enjoyed this best of! The Top 10 returns next week with a brand new edition live from Portland! See you next week!


Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Levity Live, Oxnard, CA
Special Thanks To: Levity Live Management
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: Heritage Church Band, Camarillo, CA
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Gorillaz Appear Courtesy Of: Warner Music Group
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

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