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Wed Dec 26, 2018, 10:02 AM

86'd on Christmas Day by (ex) boyfriend

I dated Bob 40 years ago, 20 years ago and now weíve been together for 2 years. While he was apolitical before, he became a strong Democrat and drove me around as I canvassed for our new Congresswoman Xochitl Small. Last night I was at his and his 88 year old fatherís house to eat the meal we bought (already cooked) with his right wing, Fox loviní sister and ex- girlfriend, who cleans for his father and lives with his sister. Father said prayer and here is where I stoked the fires unnecessarily: I quoted Matthew 2 verse 12 about Jesus Joseph and Mary having to escape violence in their own country and went to Egypt. His sister started fuming, announced no one should leave but should stay and fix their own country. I said I was talking about Biblical story and I turned to the father and asked him about the farmer who used a whip against him. Sister started yelling the uncle (I knew nothing about an uncle) never was violent. Boyfriend never looked at me from the time they walked in. Ex girlfriend never said a word to me. I asked sister if she wanted me to leave, she looked at Bob and told him to tell me to back off. I asked him if I should leave. He said yes. I asked him what Iíd done wrong. He said everything. I recognize that I was pushing buttons. I couldnít help it. I also (unreasonably, unrealistically?) want a man who is loyal to me. I also think the women walked in ready for fight. Iím not even asking for advice or agreement from DU, just expressing my hurt, disappointment (in me and him) Iím trying not to think and obsess about what to do or say, just to be still, grieve over lost relationship and take care of myself. On second thought, I could really use some advice.

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Reply 86'd on Christmas Day by (ex) boyfriend (Original post)
duhneece Dec 2018 OP
ProfessorGAC Dec 2018 #1
duhneece Dec 2018 #7
Kahuna7 Dec 2018 #55
PJMcK Dec 2018 #2
Mr. Quackers Dec 2018 #3
duhneece Dec 2018 #8
panader0 Dec 2018 #4
duhneece Dec 2018 #9
FreepFryer Dec 2018 #5
duhneece Dec 2018 #12
FreepFryer Dec 2018 #21
LakeArenal Dec 2018 #40
IADEMO2004 Dec 2018 #6
duhneece Dec 2018 #13
Cha Dec 2018 #69
MineralMan Dec 2018 #10
irisblue Dec 2018 #11
duhneece Dec 2018 #16
WeekiWater Dec 2018 #14
ismnotwasm Dec 2018 #15
duhneece Dec 2018 #23
lunatica Dec 2018 #17
still_one Dec 2018 #18
duhneece Dec 2018 #24
Mariana Dec 2018 #25
Hugin Dec 2018 #19
duhneece Dec 2018 #20
duhneece Dec 2018 #59
duhneece Dec 2018 #22
TheBlackAdder Dec 2018 #26
Wounded Bear Dec 2018 #27
harumph Dec 2018 #28
Sancho Dec 2018 #29
sarcasmo Dec 2018 #62
qazplm135 Dec 2018 #30
LakeArenal Dec 2018 #45
defacto7 Dec 2018 #48
vlyons Dec 2018 #31
PaulX2 Dec 2018 #43
Generic Other Dec 2018 #32
UniteFightBack Dec 2018 #33
OregonBlue Dec 2018 #34
SomethingNew Dec 2018 #35
TNNurse Dec 2018 #36
louis c Dec 2018 #37
SWBTATTReg Dec 2018 #65
Cha Dec 2018 #72
louis c Dec 2018 #77
Cha Dec 2018 #78
louis c Dec 2018 #80
duhneece Dec 2018 #81
Cha Dec 2018 #83
catbyte Dec 2018 #38
hughee99 Dec 2018 #39
Texin Dec 2018 #44
hughee99 Dec 2018 #75
cwydro Dec 2018 #46
qazplm135 Dec 2018 #68
sarisataka Dec 2018 #79
Texin Dec 2018 #41
randr Dec 2018 #42
Pepsidog Dec 2018 #47
jalan48 Dec 2018 #49
cwydro Dec 2018 #50
Caliman73 Dec 2018 #51
TexasBushwhacker Dec 2018 #52
cwydro Dec 2018 #54
samnsara Dec 2018 #53
Kahuna7 Dec 2018 #56
whathehell Dec 2018 #57
Kaleva Dec 2018 #58
cwydro Dec 2018 #60
duhneece Dec 2018 #63
Kaleva Dec 2018 #64
qazplm135 Dec 2018 #67
cwydro Dec 2018 #70
Revanchist Dec 2018 #76
Blue_true Dec 2018 #61
SWBTATTReg Dec 2018 #66
Maru Kitteh Dec 2018 #71
Tipperary Dec 2018 #73
Horse with no Name Dec 2018 #82
Kahuna7 Dec 2018 #84
realmirage Dec 2018 #74
TexasBushwhacker Dec 2018 #85
realmirage Dec 2018 #86
duhneece Dec 2018 #87
realmirage Jan 2019 #88

Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 10:07 AM

1. Sounds Too Late For Advice

From your story, it sounds like the bridge was burned.

Sorry that happened. Probably why it best not to start nothing on a family holiday gathering.

My solution has always been don't go, or don't invite people who will just be disagreeable.

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Response to ProfessorGAC (Reply #1)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 10:33 AM

7. Yup. NT

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Response to duhneece (Reply #7)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 01:50 PM

55. +1

I hate to laugh...but...

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 10:08 AM

2. I had some fun last night, too

We went to my sister's house for Christmas dinner as we've done for decades. Her middle daughter, my niece, is a real piece of work who always picks a fight with her mother. Every single year!

Last night, I'd had enough and I called her out saying that her treatment of my sister was unacceptable and disrespectful. Her angry response was that I don't know her or her life. I responded that all I needed to know about her was how she treated her mother. That tells me everything I need to know about her. Obviously, it pissed her off.

I love my little sister and no one treats her that way, if I can help it.

Oh, well. One less present for next year, I guess.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 10:10 AM

3. Well

 

regardless of anyone's political persuasion, it's never a good idea to go into someone else's house and take a big shit on their holiday meal or festivities.

If you knew there were repellent people there, you shouldn't have went.

If they got repellent while you were there, you should have just left the scene.

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Response to Mr. Quackers (Reply #3)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 10:34 AM

8. I know.

Maybe Iíll even feel like apologizing but I just donít.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 10:13 AM

4. I'm not much on giving advice, but I think you should

just forget about those folks. I admire you for running for office. You have
values that aren't shared by these people. Be true to yourself, stick to your
beliefs be happy. Some people will suck your energy--avoid them.

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Response to panader0 (Reply #4)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 10:35 AM

9. I needed to hear that

Thank you

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 10:15 AM

5. Hope you took the prebought meal with you when you left...

...holiday scenes are tough, and painful, but itís worse to swallow your feelings along with the cranberries.

This year, there were mixed reviews of my long rhapsodic speech about he who was born this day to truly change the world (Isaac Newton)... but I just think ďwhat would George Carlin do?Ē And it serves me well.

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Response to FreepFryer (Reply #5)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 10:37 AM

12. Chuckle: I took home several meals of leftover s

At least I have comfort food

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Response to duhneece (Reply #12)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 11:18 AM

21. Nice! Above all, get fed. (n/t)

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 10:27 AM

6. Be true to yourself. Sounds like you were. Well done. Heal the hurt in your way and time.

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Response to IADEMO2004 (Reply #6)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 10:38 AM

13. Whew. You can't know how much that means to me

Thank you

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Response to duhneece (Reply #13)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 03:02 PM

69. Yes, duhneece.. I like IADEMO's

post, too!

Not those.. "..you shouldn't have done it.. bad girl.." It was meant to happen and you were true to yourself. You were speaking the truth.

I think they over-reacted.. reality was freaking them out.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 10:36 AM

10. You have to do what you have to do. Still, actions have reactions.

I have no advice to offer. I was not there. I do not know the people involved, including you. What should you do? I don't know. You were able to make the decision on what to do at that Christmas dinner. I'm sure you'll decide what to do about the aftermath.

As always, it is your decision to make. I hope it all works out OK for you.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 10:37 AM

11. Honey, it's over. You want loyalty, he will/cannot do it

You are going to obsess for a while, he was letting you go/moving away from you in his head & heart before yesterday, you just found about it.
"Uncoupling" by Diane Vaughan was very helpful to me in figuring out what happened in my relationship.

Also DU has 2 support groups I'd urge to to visit.
Bereavement-https://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1234

Coping with Divorce & Seperation-https://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1235


I am sorry this has happened.

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Response to irisblue (Reply #11)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 10:42 AM

16. You nailed it!!!

I just read your post to a friend and she agrees with you vociferously!

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 10:40 AM

14. Sounds like a group who use religions to promote their own agenda.

 

Just as you used it to "stoke the fires unnecessarily.

It seems to be the norm with individuals and their "faith".

I don't think you should ask advise from people after sharing information about a single event and a couple of historical nuggets. Really doesn't give enough insight into Bob. Sounds like everyone was in a bit of an uncomfortable environment, including Bob.

I wish you the absolute best. If Bob is right for you, I hope you find your way back together. If not, move on. Hanging on without closure simply extends pain.

You will not open the eyes of conservative Christians in a setting like this. If anything, they just confirmed their beliefs further.

Hugs to you. Today is a new day.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 10:41 AM

15. Emotional pain can easily overcome rational thought

Your boyfriend could have chisen to deesculate, either he didnít want to or didnít know how. That being said, Trump loving people are bigots and bring nothing to the table but hatred. I donít talk to them.

So I figure your relationship is your business, but if your stand up for your principles and your partner doesnít support you, you all need to have a very long talk, or maybe just get another partner.

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Response to ismnotwasm (Reply #15)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 11:28 AM

23. I realize now that he had begun moving away

I was hurting, hadnít admitted or recognized we were over. And the holidays! But Iím strong and will get through it. I feel better, that you heard me.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 10:43 AM

17. I suspect your Christmas was about average this year

Trump is tearing this country apart. The holidays bring out the worst in family dynamics even in ordinary times.

Donít assume your boyfriend is against you. He may be quite upset about his sister and the upsetting scene and may have wanted to leave himself.

Most importantly, you did nothing wrong. It was his sister who was gunning for a fight and she got one!

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 10:57 AM

18. Maybe I am being naive, but I just don't understand an outburst like that from the sister after

you quoted a bible verse.


Assuming she is being defensive about the U.S. handling of the Honduran refuge issue, her abusive outburst was entirely uncalled for.

I hesitate making value judgements, but something seems very unstable about the sister.


As for the actions of "Bob", I think his actions speak for themselves, and both the sister and Bob owe you an apology



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Response to still_one (Reply #18)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 11:31 AM

24. Both Bob and ex girlfriend say she's unstable

Your standing by me as we see Bob warms me. Thank you 🙏

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Response to still_one (Reply #18)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 11:35 AM

25. Oh, lots of right wing Christians will freak out like that.

They often pretend to believe the entire Bible is right and correct, so they don't like to hear stuff from it that directly contradicts what they really believe.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 10:58 AM

19. I'm sorry you were hurt, duhneece.

These are difficult times at best.

I really have very little advice, because, I'm personally dealing with many of the same forces you are describing in this encounter.

It does look like the issues you're facing in this relationship go far deeper than this particular flare up. Some of them may have nothing to do with politics, but, that is a particularly sore point and the sister has been looking for a wedge. Your on-again, off-again boyfriend and his odd conjunction with his ornery sister and ex-girlfriend. Step back and take a look at the whole constellation. Maybe, it's a mix that you are better off without. Think about it in a wider context. Is the relationship worth a constant fight to maintain? In my experience, it tends to be rarely worth it.

I apologize if this seems like weak tea, but, it's all I've got.

Hey! How about Xochitl! (pronounced, so-cheel, I'm informed by her proud supporters) Your efforts worked! That was an extraordinary victory!

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Response to Hugin (Reply #19)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 11:12 AM

20. Xochitl's win makes me smile even now

In 2016 I ran for NM State Rep against the woman beat....who claimed victory on election night, filed lawsuit to impound ballots, still has not conceded. Iris blue was right.

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Response to Hugin (Reply #19)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 01:57 PM

59. Not worth the constant fight

Reading your kind reply distilled/summarize and got to some core truth. Iíll reread often!

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 11:22 AM

22. Thank y'all

Iris blue was right on. And I appreciate those who said I was ok quoting Matthew. I ran for office on 2016 against Trump loving opponent this year of new US Congresswoman Xochitl Torres Small. Bob had moved away from me subtly. In spite of listening to and meditating with my new Insight Timer meditation app, I didnít handle this tactfully and maybe appropriately, maybe not appropriately but that doesnít matter to what this means in the larger picture .....much of which will emerge in time. I love DU for the feel of another chosen family.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 11:36 AM

26. It sounds to me that deep down, you are sick of your boyfriend's shit and this was a manifestation.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 11:37 AM

27. Sooner or later, people show you who they are and where their loyalties lie...

You've broken up with him twice before and now you're surprised by his actions?

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 11:39 AM

28. They sound nuts - do they live in a cave?

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 11:59 AM

29. We just had Christmas without the family...to avoid our version of what you describe...

...my brother-in-law works for an energy company and is right of Attila the Hun. I can't stand him, and he hates me. He is also racist.
...one of my brothers voted for tRump, and constantly parrots Fox. He trades a lot in the stock market, so I'm sure it would be hard not to say something to him.

You get the idea. The family has very strong people who very much disagree. Those of us who have moved out of the Carolinas and left the traditional South simply don't get along with the ones who have drunk the cool aid for generations.

In the last year, we had "reasons" to miss a couple family weddings, a few holiday gatherings, and a group vacation. I'm sure that some in the family are aware we are simply choosing peace and quiet, because none of those involved are going to change their mind.

My advice is probably similar to others: If you can get them to reconsider or discuss rationally, that's fine. If there is going to be an inconsequential
battle, then just don't go.

You can't choose your family, but you can choose how you deal with them.

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Response to Sancho (Reply #29)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 02:08 PM

62. The best type of Christmas, with the people you see everyday.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 12:02 PM

30. Loyalty goes both ways doesn't it?

Loyalty would not force him to choose between you and his family on Christmas.

Just saying.

Loyalty would have bit it's tongue at the dinner table.

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Response to qazplm135 (Reply #30)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 01:07 PM

45. Great insight. It made me think.

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Response to qazplm135 (Reply #30)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 01:10 PM

48. This... as a general rule.

There's a time to speak and a time to can it.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 12:03 PM

31. Here' my unsolicited adviced

Whenever you choose a husband, or boy friend, you also get ALL his family, his job, his friends, his hobbies, his religion, his politics, his sports teams, his debts, his strengths and his weaknesses. You get the whole package. That's why people date and have long engagements. To have time to see what all is included in that whole package. You should count your blessings that you got such a wide view of what all is included in your BF's package. Knowing what you now know about his family, friends, and character, you can make a wise decision about whether to invest any more of your precious time and energy into such a man.

Sounds like you've made your decision that he just doesn't measure up to meet your needs. Treat yourself as a special person, because you are. You are a lovely, sweet, good-hearted person. There are plenty more guys out there, who would be thrilled to have a nice person like you as a GF. So go out this week, and do something that you like to do to celebrate the new open space that you've created in which to move on to your life's next great adventure.

Always remember, that it's not about the content of what happens in your life, but about what you tell yourself about what happens. It's all about your point of view. You can view it as a great woe-is-me tragedy, or as a glad I escaped from wasting my precious time with that guy comedy.

Always maintain a cheerful attitude.

and BTW: his sister was a rude uncouth asshole for deliberately making you feel uncomfortable in her home -- especially at a Christmas family meal. A gracious hostess ALWAYS endeavors to make guests feel welcome, comfortable, and at ease in her home.

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Response to vlyons (Reply #31)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 01:00 PM

43. Trumpscum Act Like Trumpscum

 

Let them know they worship Satan and leave if they insult you.

Or take them on for supporting a Fuhrer.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 12:06 PM

32. So maybe I should not

bring the baby in a cage holiday centerpiece to the in-laws today?

I am so sorry you had to be disappointed by Bob again. I am certainly impressed by the long-term relationship you two have which clearly suggests a deep connection that spans years.

I think your Bible story was right on target. Just like we have to wrest our country out of the hands of Trumpees, Christians need to make sure their faith is not appropriated by hypocrites and those who spout false doctrine.

Merry Christmas to you for reminding those who give lip service to Christ on Christmas while ignoring his real message the other 359 days of the year what the Bible would say.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 12:07 PM

33. Sometimes we just want to stir the pot a bit...even if we promised ourselves we wouldn't. It's ok!

 

And it's OK to feel hurt by someone who should also be loyal to you. You spoke the truth. These folks just want to go around saying what they want well then there will be rebuttals and sometimes it's at a meal, even a holiday meal.

So Jesus should of stayed in his country to fix it?????? Coo coo coo coo coo coo

I promised I would be good yesterday and I mostly was. When my rumper bro in law said the prayer he had the nerve to include Jesus refugee blah blah blah as well as a whole lot of other DEMOCRATIC VALUES . I made sure to pipe in when he was done. Fuck this hypocritical bullshit.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 12:14 PM

34. Should you apologize?

If you were in the wrong and meant to hurt people's feelings. If you care enough about the people involved, then yes. It doesn't even matter if they accept the apology or if it restarts your relationship. The apology is for you to admit and accept you hurt others.

If you don't care about them, just move on and be happy you learned where the relationship really was.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 12:26 PM

35. My advice:

Donít intentionally start a political disagreement with your boyfriendís family, in their own home, on Christmas. Also, donít expect your boyfriend to back up your bad decisions by going against his family, again at Christmas.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 12:28 PM

36. There is a new year getting ready to start.

Look back briefly at what you did and consider whether you can repair the relationship with Bob. I would think that would include not gathering with his family. If not, please just move forward. I avoid people who disagree with me on all this and yes some are family. I would not be able to choke back how I feel.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 12:28 PM

37. Fuck Him. You're Right

 

Last edited Wed Dec 26, 2018, 03:13 PM - Edit history (1)

I have the same problem every Christmas.

My cousin's husband may as well be in the klan. He wore a MAGA hat last Christmas. As it turns out, this bigot just found out his son is gay. To his credit, he has accepted the situation and his son and boyfriend were at the party.

He called me a liberal and started down that racist bullshit and immigration. My reply, "I'm always a liberal because I always support everyone's rights and the tolerance that goes with it. I don't just become a "liberal of convenience" like you because now someone in your family needs that same support that liberals like me give everyone, freely and without reservation."

That ended the discussion and you could hear a pin drop in the room.

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Response to louis c (Reply #37)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 02:46 PM

65. Nice! nt

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Response to louis c (Reply #37)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 03:15 PM

72. Exactly. Good job, louis!

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Response to Cha (Reply #72)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 04:25 PM

77. I am of the opinion that we must speak up...

 

...to remain salient in the face of racism and bigotry emboldens the Trump supporters.

I speak up all the time, even to strangers I overhear in public places. They need to be challenged. If not the lie festers and spreads like a cancer.

Here's one that always gets me close to a punch in the face (I'm lucky that I'm old and that backs most people away): "If Trump was so stupid, how'd he get elected President?" My answer, without skipping a beat, "I never said that Trump got elected by being stupid. He got elected because you were stupid."

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Response to louis c (Reply #77)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 04:38 PM

78. I think you're right.. I think duhneece's

speaking up was the bravest and the hardest thing to do, and ultimately the best for her psyche and that of a gaslit world.

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Response to Cha (Reply #78)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 04:44 PM

80. However, I'm lucky that my wife and I are politically aligned...

 

...that certainly makes it easier.

I waited until I was 50 years old to marry. My wife was 47. But our outlook about the world was a key factor in getting married. That was 16 years ago and the best decision I ever made in my life.

Other people may not be so lucky.

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Response to Cha (Reply #78)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 05:45 PM

81. You said just what I want most to hear. Nt

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Response to duhneece (Reply #81)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 06:00 PM

83. It was hard and so brave.. I know pinboy

would be proud of you.

P.S... omg.. some of the responses here. IMO.. Ignore them!

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 12:39 PM

38. I suspect your ex has taken back up with his ex & the fight was an excuse to dump you.

You can do better, and yes, you deserve loyalty. Being alone is better than being with a disloyal partner, IMHO. I'm so sorry your holiday was ruined.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 12:39 PM

39. If I understand correctly, you went into a family gathering with your boyfriend,

And intentionally created a situation where he would be put in a bad spot and have to choose between you and them. You did this not because there were serious life choices that needed to be made, but for your personal amusement. And it bothers you that he wasnít loyal to you?

So you arenít really looking for a man with a sense of loyalty in general, youíre looking for one thatís loyal only to you. In fact, you expect him to not be loyal at all to family heís known his whole life over a trivial matter that you intentionally created. It sounds like you need to find someone willing to give up every bit of their own identity to suit your desires, and he probably isnít that guy.

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Response to hughee99 (Reply #39)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 01:02 PM

44. In such a situation, both the (ex) boyfriend and the original poster should have excused themselves.

Both of them. He would not have had to make a statement about anything to his family members other than "we're leaving." It didn't require him to make any kind of pronouncements or apologies, or to have him make a stand in solidarity with his sister or anyone else there. Once the situation escalated, they both should have withdrawn. They can air their differences in the car on the way home or not at all. But they both should have exited that situation.

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Response to Texin (Reply #44)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 03:45 PM

75. That probably would have been the easiest exit for the situation,

But it sounds (and perhaps Iím reading too much into it), that the OP wasnít looking for her boyfriend to just escape the situation, she was looking for her boyfriend to defend her to his family in the situation she created. She created confrontation and wanted her boyfriend to join her in it, not find a way out.

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Response to hughee99 (Reply #39)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 01:09 PM

46. Gotta agree.

I think the OP behaved rudely.

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Response to hughee99 (Reply #39)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 03:00 PM

68. yeah

sounds about right, harsh, but right.

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Response to hughee99 (Reply #39)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 04:43 PM

79. Well put

This is exactly the kind of behavior many posts have deplored about their right wing relatives who cannot put politics aside for a few hours to have a peaceful family gathering.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 12:55 PM

41. I'm sorry that happened regardless of who provoked it.

But let me just state that a person calling himself or herself a boyfriend/girlfriend - or for that matter, a husband or wife, or life partner - should expect loyalty from the other individual involved in the relationship. That your ex-boyfriend remained silent and chose them over you is more telling on him than on you. I wouldn't look back about this. From your description, it seems that his sister was entrenched and hostile in her beliefs and there is an overall hostile and toxic atmosphere within their domain, and the silence of some of those within it demonstrates a dysfunctional family unit altogether. Your ex was and is a product of that dysfunction, and you're definitely better off alone than being drawn into it. Who needs to join such a toxic stew and to be abandoned by someone with whom you've been involved?

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 12:58 PM

42. He did not stand up for you, he does not love you

Sounds like a interdependent family to me. Sorry for your loss, you are obviously able to take care of yourself.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 01:09 PM

47. Under the guise I sending family pics to I asked all my righty family members to open air drop on

their iPhones and bombarded them with pics of Obama and Hillary before I left. During the night, I was the designated picture taker so they all gave me their phones. I set all their iPhone wallpaper to pics of Obama. Just a little fun.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 01:12 PM

49. Christmas dinner is the wrong time to argue about politics/religion. Using that event as a litmus

test for your relationship doesn't sound reasonable to me.

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Response to jalan48 (Reply #49)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 01:15 PM

50. I agree.

I find this story to be very sad.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 01:18 PM

51. My sympathy for your situation.

It is always difficult to navigate family relationships. You never know the depths of the connection or the dysfunction within the system. I am curious about your first statement. You said you dated 40 years ago, 20 years ago, and then for the last 2 years. Just curious as to what happened the first time around, how you got together 20 years later, what ended that round, and then why the third time in 2016?

There is tension with my family of origin and my wife though not because of political beliefs, more personal issues, however, it is difficult to navigate sometimes. My wife is wonderful and supportive, but has a difficult time relating to my sister, who is also wonderful, but has a very strong personality. I wish that they got a long better because I feel caught in the middle, however, I always support my wife in public and then talk to her in private about the situation. It can create conflict.

It hurts when we lose a relationship that we find rewarding, but I think that you need to remember that when we date seriously or marry, we are eventually having to allow the family of our partner into our lives and there will be times when our values conflict with where the partner came from. It is always difficult to have people choose between their family and their romantic relationship. Ultimately however, if your partner was not supportive, given your history, it might be best to move on. Good luck.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 01:22 PM

52. "I stoked the fires unnecessarily. I recognize I was pushing buttons. I couldn't help it."

Loyalty is a 2 way street. Were you loyal to him when you went into his father's home, on Christmas, and "stoked the fires unnecessarily"? You humiliated him in front of his family.

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Response to TexasBushwhacker (Reply #52)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 01:42 PM

54. This.

I was raised to behave politely when visiting othersí homes.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 01:27 PM

53. there was a reason you quit dating him 40 and 20 yrs ago...

...if its the same reason then hes not going to change. If they were different reasons, hes STILL not going to change. You have given him enough of your time.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 01:51 PM

56. Best I can say is, he'll probably get over it, forgive you...

and leave you at home when dining with his family.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 01:53 PM

57. Your behavior doesn't sound like it was all that 'provocative"

and your boyfriend doesn't sound that loyal. I don't think you deserved their anger.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 01:54 PM

58. Your (ex) boyfirend is better off without you.

"I recognize that I was pushing buttons."

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 01:57 PM

60. Why did you do that?

To test the boyfriend?

Cause a scene?

Ruin everyoneís evening?

Sorry, I donít get it.

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Response to cwydro (Reply #60)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 02:13 PM

63. It turned out to be a gift

Iím exceptionally grateful for all who recognized this revealed a giant rift, already begun before and supported me completely. Iím also grateful for those who saw things differently. Both are partially right in some realm of truth. Ultimately I felt a weight lifting and a quiet joy knowing our romance is over. I predict we could be friends in 6 months. Life is good and all is well. It was a great gift.

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Response to duhneece (Reply #63)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 02:23 PM

64. True. Neither of you are or were meant for each other.

Your ex can find someone more compatible for him and the same goes for you.

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Response to duhneece (Reply #63)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 02:58 PM

67. so it kinda sorta sounds like

you did it somewhat on purpose to sever the relationship?

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Response to qazplm135 (Reply #67)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 03:03 PM

70. Sure does.

I prefer a nice quiet breakup.

No scenes, no spectators...just end it.

I hate drama, but I understand that many live for it. Ugh.

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Response to duhneece (Reply #63)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 03:53 PM

76. Sounds like you were looking for a reason to dump him

And you purposefully created a situation where you could feel justified in leaving. Don't create a situation where someone has to choose between you and their family on the holiday. He didn't break up with you, you broke up with him.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 01:59 PM

61. Sounds like you are the odd person out in a cozy relationship.

His ex lives with his sister and takes care of his father. He didn't look at you once he entered his dad's house. He simply took their side. What other clues do you need?

Find a better man, if he backed you at all, he would have left with you. At best he is a coward, at worst, he is fooling around with you and the ex.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 02:55 PM

66. Well, first of all, you simply quoted a bible passage. How they interpret it is solely up ...

to them and they way overreacted, and in a irresponsible way, towards a guest in the home.

Some of these rump voters seem to think that being the loudest one in the room, not the most logically one in the room wins an argument. I wouldn't wasted my time talking to the 'boyfriend' and 'others' if they wanted you to leave, I would have left already by then. I don't deserve to be yelled at by anyone anywhere. No excuses.

I'd say dump the boyfriend. He wasn't there for you when it counted. Like other posters said in this trend, there are other fish in the sea.

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 03:07 PM

71. Perhaps you shouldn't have gone in the first place.

Considering the high likelihood at 88 years of age that this was the last Christmas that gentleman will have - are you comfortable with your contribution to the atmosphere in his home?

Defending yourself against an attack is one thing but to provoke conflict is quite another, and why on Earth would you, on Christmas day no less, ask an elderly man to recount cruelties he suffered long ago? You wanted him to relive this cruelty for the purpose of backing you up in your conflict with his daughter?

If you couldn't stop yourself from provoking conflict, you should have gracefully declined the invitation to attend, citing work or volunteering or some other such excuse.

I think you should apologize, not for your feelings or sentiments, but for the time and manner you chose to express them. I think you should make this apology whether or not you repair matters and remain with the boyfriend. Make it clear your feelings about the topic are unchanged, but you are sorry for the setting and way you communicated. That's my advice.

This would provide you a base of trust and understanding to move forward with the boyfriend if you wish, and if you do not move forward with him, you will have the satisfaction of having made proper peace with the situation in doing the right thing.

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Response to Maru Kitteh (Reply #71)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 03:22 PM

73. I found this thread appalling

 

Your post restored my faith.

Thank you.

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Response to Maru Kitteh (Reply #71)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 05:52 PM

82. Agreed.

Manners should never go out of style.

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Response to Maru Kitteh (Reply #71)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 06:08 PM

84. .....

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Response to duhneece (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 03:24 PM

74. Sounds to me like deep down

 

deep down you are the one who pulled out of this relationship. You had to know it would get ugly, so why else hit the nuke button except that you sensed that this wasnít how you wanted to be spending the holiday or the rest of your life?

The brain is sometimes the last to know what the spirit always knew. My last relationship was tolerable on the surface but a living hell at its core. When it ended I was in a state of shock and fear the way a cult member is when they are at the beginning stages of deprogramming.

I thank my lucky stars about once a month that that relationship is over. Sometimes you canít see something clearly until you get distance from it and fully disconnect.

Youíll be fine.

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Response to realmirage (Reply #74)

Wed Dec 26, 2018, 07:15 PM

85. One does the dirty work for two

There are certainly situations where one person is 100% guilty and the other is 100% innocent victim, but this isn't one of those times. She deliberately provoked an argument with his family and now gets to play the victim because her boyfriend wasn't "loyal" to her. He's certainly better off without her and perhaps she's better off without him.

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Response to TexasBushwhacker (Reply #85)

Thu Dec 27, 2018, 03:37 AM

86. She did pull the trigger

 

And my guess was that deep down she wanted out and thatís why she did it. But I disagree with you about his loyalty. At the very least I would have left with her and probably fought about it but I wouldnít have just thrown her out. If youíre in a relationship you donít do that so quickly and easily over one stupid argument with a trumpster relative.

The relationship sounded like it was already on the way out. A solid relationship doesnít dissolve that easily.

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Response to realmirage (Reply #86)

Thu Dec 27, 2018, 07:43 AM

87. I appreciate your compassion and understanding

You didnít condemn me judgementally and your generous heart is much appreciated.

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Response to duhneece (Reply #87)

Tue Jan 1, 2019, 02:07 AM

88. Just calling it like I see it : )

 

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