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Wed Dec 19, 2018, 06:00 PM

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-24: 2018 Year In Review Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-24: 2018 Year In Review Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! I know, right? It’s the end of the year for the Top 10 and what a year it’s been! Now don’t be sad, we will be back in January with the start of, holy shit, I can’t believe it’s our 6th season and our 4th year in operation. Yes, next year the Top 10 will turn 4! But in Trump years it feels like we’re 237 doesn’t it? Well we’ve got some big plans for 2019 that I cannot wait to unveil including our big Texas road show for the start of season 7. Yes, we have not one, not two, not three, but a whopping 5 shows planned through the Lone Star State. We are going to go through the state of Texas to find out not only what the political landscape is like, but if liberals really do exist in the Lone Star State, and they must because a whole lot of them voted for Beto in the election! There’s also planned shows in Montana, Alaska and Vancouver! We’ve also got a whole slew of new content being planned and some of our old favorites will keep coming back like How Is This Still A Thing and People Who Somehow Got Elected, and This Fucking Guy. So of course just like last year, this year is our 2018 year in review and man there was a lot of crazy shit that happened this year. Even going into the new year things are still fucked up, which means we won’t get to cover things like Michael Cohen’s sentencing and Trump’s use of the phrase “smocking gun”, and more excuses for ultra paranoid conservatives to bash social media sites because they don’t get to float their tin foil hat conspiracy theories, or Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer throwing Trump in front of a brick wall. OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first we have to play the awesome cold opener from Saturday Night Live that really pissed off a certain someone who we will be discussing later:

Here we go, folks! It’s our second annual YEAR IN REVIEW!!!! Oh that was some good reverb right there, guys! So in the first slot is the months of January and February (1) we had stable geniuses, shithole countries, secret societies called “Secret Society”, and Sean Hannity’s epic fail, among other atrocities being committed. The second slot this week is March and April (2) – where Trump went golfing after one of the worst mass shootings in a school since Columbine. And it was also when Rex Tillerson got fired. In the third slot this week is May and June (3). May – when Trump turned around the dialogue on gun rights, claiming that gun were not to blame for shootings, while he nearly brought the world to the brink of Armageddon opening the US embassy in Isreal, while conservative snowflakes faced the humiliation of eating in public while conservative. Next up in the fourth slot is July and August (4) - where we got introduced to space Nazis, Duncan Hunter got busted by the feds, and we had lots of stories of white people calling the cops on black people, because they’re black. Also, Trump is still a dick and that’s not surprising. In the fifth slot this week is September and October (5) – where we had the horrifying murder of Jamal Khashoggi, Alex Jones screamed at a pile of poop, and we got introduced to Brett Kavanaugh, and his insane schedules and Boofing, whatever that is. Finally for the sixth slot this week we have November and December (6) – where Trump got his *ASS* handed to him in the midterms, California is on fire, and Trump fired Jeff Sessions and replaced him with a real life Mr. Clean. Now that that’s out of the way, at number 7, we’re going to forgo our weekly investigative piece this week “Top 10 Investigates” (don’t worry, it will be back in January) and we were going to have a piece on sex robots, but that will be shelved and put on the next Idiots Best Of. But then Trump had to attack Saturday Night Live, so we’re bringing back “Explaining Jokes To Idiots!” (7). Then for the 8th slot, we haven’t forgot our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (8), where our resident pastor is going to tell you some of his favorite stories of the ultra far right religious nutbags this year. And in the number 9 (NEIN!) slot we have People Are Dumb where we’re going to tell you all of our favorite stories of stupid people throughout 2018 – and there were plenty of them! And the final segment of Deep State Diaries is going to explore the organization that Trump trolls love to hate – the IRS! Yes, we came all this way just for an IRS joke! And we’re going to wrap it up with a guest I can’t wait for – the one, the only 30 Seconds To Mars! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]January – February
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So this is our second annual year in review and man it was a batshit crazy year, and of course like all horrible things Trump and Fox News had a hand in it. Where do we even begin to cover the beginning of the year at the end of the year? I know! Let’s start with that time when Trump called himself a “stable genius” and when he referred to countries as “shithole countries”. I mean hell we totally stopped our world tour in the middle of it and went with a “shithole” world tour!

UPDATED | Senator Lindsey Graham responded Monday to tweets from President Donald Trump touting himself as "a very stable genius" amid questions of his mental fitness while serving in the White House's top role.

"Trump called himself 'like really smart and a stable genius.' So, do you think he's like really smart and a stable genius?" The View host Bette Midler asked the South Carolina Republican to audience laughter.

"I think this: if he doesn't call himself a genius, nobody else will," Graham responded to applause.

I mean really is he Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder? Or maybe he’s Homer Simpson?

But then of course we’re only in the second week of January! I mean do I really have to remind people of when Trump referenced certain countries in Africa and called them “shitholes”? Yes, a PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS ON RECORD calling countries in Africa and South and Central America shit holes, just let that sink in for a moment.

WASHINGTON ― Most news networks reporting on President Donald Trump’s remarks about restricting immigrants from “shithole countries” notably didn’t shy away from using the vulgar word, and called the president’s insult what it was ― racist.

But over at Fox News, Trump’s network of choice, hosts and panelists were defending the president’s crude comments before shifting to other topics.

After The Washington Post on Thursday afternoon first reported Trump’s remarks at a White House meeting with lawmakers, “The Five” co-host Jesse Watters shrugged off the slur as the way ordinary Americans talk about “Haiti people.”

“If it’s true, this is how the forgotten men and women in America talk at the bar,” Watters said. “This is how Trump relates to people. If you’re at a bar, and you’re from Wisconsin, and you’re thinking, ‘They’re bringing in a bunch of Haiti people, or El Salvadorians, or people from Niger.’ This is how some people talk.”

Yes, the denial is strong with this one indeed! Oh and then there was one of my favorite things of the year – remember when the results of Trump’s physical were released and people were demanding to see his long form girth certificate? Yeah that happened. I mean Trump’s doctor might as well have gone to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College. Seriously, baby, I can prescribe anything I want!

A White House physician declared Tuesday that President Donald Trump is in “excellent” overall health and that he performed “well” on a cognitive screening exam, while noting the commander in chief could benefit from a low-fat diet and additional exercise.

“All clinical data indicates that the president is currently very healthy and that he will remain so for the duration of his presidency,” Dr. Ronny Jackson said at the daily White House news briefing during a nearly hourlong question-and-answer period with reporters.

Jackson added that during the physical on Friday at the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center, he performed some cognitive testing at the president's behest and that Trump “did well on it.” He noted the exam was limited to a screening for cognitive impairment and was not part of a larger psychological examination.

Trump, according to Jackson, is 6-foot-3, 239 pounds. The doctor said that he and Trump discussed losing weight and exercising, which he recommended, and that the president expressed “he would like to lose 10 to 15 pounds.”

And that’s true! Oh and anyone else remember when Vince McMahon announced that he was going to announce a Trump friendly version of the NFL called the XFL? I think people must have forgot about that, I mean when the league actually launches will anyone really care?

Television ratings for the N.F.L. have fallen 17 percent over the past two seasons. The league is embroiled in a continuing crisis over concussions, and youth participation rates are falling.

All of this suggests a difficult future for the sport, yet the N.F.L.’s most notorious competitor, Vince McMahon’s X.F.L., has a comeback in the works.

McMahon, the chairman and chief executive of World Wrestling Entertainment, announced on Thursday that he would take a second crack at professional football, with play scheduled to start in early 2020.

McMahon first tried to reimagine pro football 17 years ago. The old X.F.L. was a joint venture between the World Wrestling Federation (W.W.E.’s former name) and NBC, which had lost rights to broadcast N.F.L. games.

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[font size="8"]March & April: Mass Shootings & Gun Nut Apologists
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Yeah so at the end of February we had the horrifying mass shooting at Parkland High School in Florida, and for those of you who aren’t from America and don’t know how the mass shooting cycle works, we have the mass shooting no matter where it is, there’s usually a month long conversation that follows where we make some completely asinine excuses as to why we should continue to mass produce weapons of mass destruction. While mass shootings are nothing to joke at, we can joke at the mass stupidity of our elected representatives. Now just to set the record straight, we are in no way, shape or form making fun of tragedy. We’re just making fun of the excuses to blame everyone and everything but the gun!

The Texas lieutenant governor, speaking two days after 10 people were killed in a school shooting in his state, said abortion, divorce and violent video games and movies show that 'we have devalued life,' which he pointed to as a cause of school shootings.

Republican Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick told ABC News Chief Anchor George Stephanopoulos on "This Week" Sunday, "We have devalued life, whether it's through abortion, whether it's the breakup of families, through violent movies, and particularly violent video games."

Patrick continued, "Psychologists and psychiatrists will tell you that students are desensitized to violence, may have lost empathy for their victims by watching hours and hours of video violent games.”

He said, “the problem is multifaceted. It's not any one issue. But we, again, we have to look at our culture of violence, just our violent society, our Facebook, our Twitter, the bullying of adults on adults, and children on children. We have to look at ourselves, George, it's not about the guns, it's about us.”

Yes that’s the lieutenant governor of Texas literally saying that the reason that mass shootings happen is because schools have too many exits. But did we really need Killer Mike from Run The Jewels literally shooting his mouth off about guns? I can guarantee that answer is a definite “no”.

One half of Run The Jewels, Killer Mike has taken to social media to clarify controversial points he made in an interview with the National Rifle Association of America.

The interview was released while marches against gun violence took place in US, and saw the rapper discuss his gun ownership stance while debating the marches and National Walkout Day.

“I told my kids on the school walkout, I love you, [but] if you walkout that school, walkout my house,” he said to NRATV.

“We are not a family that jumps on every single thing an ally of ours does because some stuff we just don’t agree with.”

Killer Mike also said he was “very pro-Second Amendment”.

“And before you say ‘What about the children,’ my daughter goes to Savannah State University. There was also a shooting on that campus. Talked to my wife and daughter after that, the decision was we’re gonna go to Savannah, she’s gonna get a gun and train more.”

Well you could just call it “Run The Jewels Live From Uranus”. Yes, we at the Top 10 are not above making poop jokes! But of course you know politics makes for strange bedfellows and those that survived the shooting went on a rampage of their own targeting the NRA. Of course we were introduced to David Hogg, a 18 year old who is going places and makes gun nutters frothing at the mouth crazy.

National Rifle Association board member and classic rocker Ted Nugent slammed survivors of the Parkland, Florida, school shooting, calling them "liars" and "poor, mushy-brained children."

Nugent made the comments during an interview on "The Joe Pags Show," a nationally syndicated conservative radio program.

"All you have to do now is not only feel sorry for the liars, but you have to go against them and pray to God that the lies can be crushed and the liars can be silenced so that real measures can be put into place to actually save children's lives," Nugent said about the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School students.

"These poor children, I'm afraid to say this and it hurts me to say this, but the evidence is irrefutable, they have no soul," he added.

Read more: https://www.cnn.com/2018/03/31/politics/nra-member-calls-parkland-survivors-liars/index.html

Yes that’s everyone’s favorite draft dodging pants shitter Ted Nugent openly mocking mass shooting victims on national TV. And in case you’re wondering if the GOP couldn’t be anymore cruel and heartless when it comes to this sort of thing, remember when Crisis Actors were a thing? Oh and guess what? That was named “lie of the year” by Politifact!

The conspiracy theories that labeled the Parkland student activists “crisis actors” has been named the Lie of the Year by prominent fact-checking web site PolitiFact.

“In another year of lament about the lack of truth in politics, the attacks against Parkland’s students stand out because of their sheer vitriol,” PolitiFact said in the story announcing the decision, published Tuesday.

The website notes that in the immediate days after the Feb. 14 shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, there was a sense of potential unity, especially after President Donald Trump said that unlike in the past, this time the response wouldn’t be just talk.

“But in the shadows, the internet engine of hoaxes and smears had started,” PolitiFact noted, highlighting the claim that student leader David Hogg and the other students were “crisis actors” and not actually students from the school.

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[font size="8"]May – June
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Ah, Armageddon days are here again! Of course we go from mass school shooting to seeing what we’re all gonna die in the rapture looks like. And you know that one of the biggest groups of Trump supporters is end times apocalypse worshippers, and you know they just love him, and they’re actively encouraging President T to bring about the apocalypse to placate their own fantasies, because reasons. And hey you know what? A nuclear apocalypse isn’t going to favor you, you will probably die too! But Trump did his best to escalate the situation with an incredibly ill advised move to take the US embassy to Jerusalem, which caused a whole lot of people to die in the process.

The US officially relocated its Embassy to Jerusalem on Monday, formally upending decades of American foreign policy in a move that was met with clashes and protests along the Israeli-Gaza border.

At least 43 Palestinians were killed in Gaza as deadly protests took place ahead of and during the ceremony in Jerusalem — making it the deadliest day there since the 2014 Gaza war.

President Donald Trump did not attend the ceremony in Jerusalem's Arnona neighborhood, but in a video message broadcast at the event he congratulated Israel, saying the opening had been "a long time coming."

"Today, Jerusalem is the seam of Israel's government. It is the home of the Israeli legislature and the Israeli supreme court and Israel's prime minister and president. Israel is a sovereign nation with the right like every other sovereign nation to determine its own capital, yet for many years, we failed to acknowledge the obvious, the plain reality that Israel's capital is Jerusalem," Trump said in the pre-recorded remarks.

Yeah we can imagine the rapture will be kind of like that. But then the summer time was also the time that Melania picked to launch her anti-bullying campaign called “#BeBest”. Anyone remember that? I mean who perfect to pick to launch an anti-bullying campaign than the wife of one of the biggest bullies in the world?

Melania Trump, nearly 16 months into her tenure as first lady, has at last revealed her formal platform: "Be Best." The comprehensive program will focus on three main points -- well-being, fighting opioid abuse and positivity on social media -- and is the culmination of the past several months of Trump's various public events, all of which centered around helping children.

"As a mother and as first lady, it concerns me that in today's fast-paced and ever-connected world, children can be less prepared to express or manage their emotions and oftentimes turn to forms of destructive or addictive behavior such as bullying, drug addiction or even suicide," she said during a Rose Garden event Monday.

"I feel strongly that as adults we can and should be best at educating our children about the importance of a healthy and balanced life," the first lady said.
Trump has in recent weeks experienced a significant surge in support, a new CNN poll revealed Monday, including among women and Democrats.

In a poll conducted by SSRS last week, 57% say they have a favorable impression of Trump, up from 47% in January. This is the biggest number Melania Trump has experienced in any CNN polling, and higher than any favorability rating earned by President Donald Trump in CNN polling history going back to 1999.

That’s right – it took 16 months for Melania to finally unveil her plan to end bullying! Of course it’s kind of hard to do that when you’re a bully yourself! Must we forget that Melania, oh and by the way what a fine example she’s setting! And remember when Sean Hannity committed multiple on air felonies by telling anyone involved in the Trump campaign to destroy their phones? So much better than her emails, they tell us!

Fox News host Sean Hannity on his show Wednesday night sarcastically advised witnesses in special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation to "follow Hillary Clinton's lead" and destroy their personal phones before handing them over to prosecutors.

Hannity's comments — he said he was kidding during the same telecast — followed a report by CNBC that Mueller's team had asked witnesses in its probe to turn over their personal phones for examination of encrypted messaging apps like WhatsApp, Dust and Signal.

The Fox host lambasted Mueller's "pitbull" team for the tactic of demanding that witnesses turn over phones and all encrypted apps, along with the messages and emails within them.

Hannity then made a comparison to Clinton, whose use of a private email server when she served as secretary of State prompted an FBI investigation and has been the subject of frequent criticism on his show.

And then speaking of Melania, remember when Trump decided that the border was his own personal play toy? And when he started locking children in cages and separating them from their parents in some truly evil, Hitler-esque shit? Yeah, and then we had Melania’s famous jacket:

A day after first lady Melania Trump stirred controversy by wearing a jacket that read "I really don't care, do u?" on a trip to visit a children's shelter on the U.S.-Mexico border, people are still scratching their heads.

What did it mean? And how did something like this happen?

On his late-night show, comedian Stephen Colbert asked a version of the question reverberating around political Washington: "How many people would get fired for this at a normal White House? One? Five? The entire executive branch? . . . People who were supposedly on her side let her get on a plane with a jacket that said, 'I really don't care, do you?'"

Whether the first lady anticipated - or was warned - that her outerwear would divert attention from what her staff described as a humanitarian mission, her choice to wear it in public seems to be deliberate.

Her small staff has described her as a decisive first lady who values loyalty and privacy.

Oh and we can’t end discussion of this summer without mentioning Sarah’s night out at the Red Hen restaurant and the resulting shit show that followed with conservatives telling liberals that we really need to be more civil to each other. Really? We don’t call the cops on black people for sitting at park benches.

Stephanie Wilkinson was at home Friday evening — nearly 200 miles from the White House — when the choice presented itself.

Her phone rang about 8 p.m. It was the chef at the Red Hen, the tiny farm-to-table restaurant that she co-owned just off Main Street in the small city of Lexington, in the western part of Virginia.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders had just walked in and sat down, the chef informed her.

“He said the staff is a little concerned. What should we do?” Wilkinson told The Washington Post. “I said I’d be down to see if it’s true.”

It seemed unlikely to her that President Trump’s press secretary should be dining at a 26-seat restaurant in rural Virginia. But then, it was unlikely that her entire staff would have misidentified Sanders, who had arrived last to a table of eight booked under her husband’s name.

Although if you want to talk about civility, you conservative snowflakes, you couldn’t even get the right fucking Red Hen restaurant correctly! Yeah you wound up harassing and sending death threats to Red Hen restaurants all over the country! Civility my ass!!!!

Several restaurants named the Red Hen said they were harassed over the weekend after press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was asked on Friday to leave an unrelated Lexington, Virginia, eatery of the same name.

Stephanie Wilkinson, who owns the restaurant where Sanders tried to dine, told The Washington Post that she asked the press secretary to leave because several of her staffers are gay and were concerned about serving Sanders, who has defended an administration that has supported anti-LGBTQ policies.

The incident has sparked backlash, and hundreds of people have contacted the restaurant or posted on its social media pages to express their feelings.

Though Sanders’ tweet about the incident specified that the restaurant she had visited is in Lexington, President Donald Trump added to the confusion on Monday when he slammed the Red Hen on Twitter without identifying which Red Hen restaurant he was referring to.

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[font size="8"]July – August
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You really don’t need to watch Fox News for more than an hour to know what an impact they have on the Trump administration. I mean he watches Fox News so much that you can literally hear the 1-800-EMPIRE commercial jingle in the background on Air Force One:

Yeah that happened! And remember when Trump put Scott Pruitt in charge of the EPA and then he was replaced by a Fox News host? Fox News has basically created a bullshit pipeline that leads them direct to Trump’s White House. Who’s really running the country now?

WASHINGTON -- Scott Pruitt, the administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency who was key to implementing President Trump's conservative agenda but came under intense scrutiny for a series of questionable ethical decisions, resigned Thursday afternoon. Pruitt's deputy at the EPA, Andrew Wheeler, will serve as the agency's acting administrator starting Monday, President Trump said in a tweet.

"I have no doubt that Andy will continue on with our great and lasting EPA agenda," Mr. Trump tweeted. "We have made tremendous progress and the future of the EPA is very bright!"

Pruitt had been the subject of a seemingly endless deluge of stories about his behavior and spending practices. It began earlier this year when it was revealed that Pruitt had rented a room at a favorable rate from a well-connected energy lobbyist. Pruitt's lavish spending on his own security then came under scrutiny, as did his decision to install a $43,00 private phone booth in his office. There were also allegations that Pruitt had created an toxic professional atmosphere at the EPA that penalized his critics.

Pruitt said his decision to leave the EPA was a hard one in his resignation letter to Mr. Trump.

I think that’s going to happen next. But then of course after the Peter Strzok shit storm Trump got sent to see Putin, like the 5th grade kid getting sent to the principal’s office in Helsinki. We need that GIF of Putin riding on the Ritz cracker.

Following a day of discussions between Presidents Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin in Helsinki, Finland, Mr. Trump left Monday's summit neglecting to hold Putin accountable for Russia's role in interfering in the 2016 presidential election -- saving most of his criticism for America itself.

"I hold both countries responsible. I think that the United States has been foolish. I think that we've all been foolish. We should have had this dialogue a long time ago, a long time, frankly, before I got to office," Mr. Trump said during a joint press conference with Putin.

Offered multiple chances to denounce Russia's actions, Mr. Trump instead placed blame on the FBI and said that he had "confidence" in both parties -- the intelligence community and Russia.

"All I can do is ask the question - my people came to me, Dan Coats came to me and some others, they said they think it's Russia. I have President Putin he just said it's not Russia. I will say this, I don't see any reason why it would be but I really want to see the server but, I have confidence in both parties," Mr. Trump said.

And this might be one of my favorite stories of the entire year so far. Remember when vandals got a hold of one of Betsy DeVos’ $40 million yachts and set it afloat in Lake Huron? Oh yeah let’s not forget that the DeVos family owns a James Bond villain-esque fleet of yachts and private jets. You know, because reasons.

A $40 million yacht belonging to Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos was untied from its mooring at a Lake Huron marina, police said.

The SeaQuest, a 164-foot luxury yacht, registered under a Cayman Islands flag, was set adrift at the Huron Boat Basin, where it was docked.

"Around sunrise the crew woke to find the boat had been untied from the dock and was adrift," according to a vandalism report filed Sunday by the Huron Police Department.

The crew was able to regain control, but not before the ship struck the dock, suffering several scratches and scrapes, the report said.

The captain estimated that the collision caused between $5,000-$10,000 in damages.

And then of course something sad happened – the woman, the myth, the legend that is the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin passed away. Of course, Trump loving conservatives couldn’t find it in their, what passes for hearts, to say something about the legend. I mean Trump couldn’t even book an Aretha Franklin impersonator!

As we all have learned, Aretha Franklin wasn’t just the Queen of Soul, she also fought for justice. Ms. Franklin was close to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and sang at his funeral. She offered to post bail for Angela Davis in 1979, saying, “I’m going to see her free if there is any justice in our courts, not because I believe in communism, but because she’s a Black woman and she wants freedom for Black people.” Franklin also sang at three inaugurations: Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama. However, there is reportedly one inauguration she refused to lend her voice — Trump’s. And a new report claims he was begging the Queen of Soul.

Franklin “hated” the rise of Trump. Tom Barrack, the chairman of the Presidential Inaugural Committee, was attempting to book Aretha, The Daily Beast reports, writing, ” Trump had long considered the legendary singer a friend, and wanted the offer framed as an opportunity to help bring the country back together after a brutal, bruising presidential election.”

A “source” told The Daily Beast that Franklin said “no amount of money” would persuade her to perform for him at the inauguration. Also, “Another knowledgeable source described her as ‘despising’ everything he stood for, as an avowed Hillary Clinton supporter.”

The Daily Beast said Barrack’s spokesman declined to comment on the story.

Of course this should be no shocker. Unlike Omarosa, Ms. Franklin was able to clearly see who Trump was.

And then Fox News had an epic fail when they posted a picture of Patti LaBelle!

And then of course there’s Trump’s completely ridiculous plan to create a sixth branch of the government called “Space Force”.

Vice President Pence laid out an ambitious plan Thursday that would begin creating a military command dedicated to space and establish a “Space Force” as the sixth branch of the U.S. military as soon as 2020, the first since the Air Force was formed shortly after World War II.

Pence warned of the advancements that potential adversaries are making and issued what amounted to a call to arms to preserve the military’s dominance in space.

“Just as we’ve done in ages past, the United States will meet the emerging threats on this new battlefield,” he said in a speech at the Pentagon. “The time has come to establish the United States Space Force.”

But the monumental task of standing up a new military department, which would require approval by a Congress that shelved the idea last year, may require significant new spending and a reorganization of the largest bureaucracy in the world. And the idea has already run into fierce opposition inside and outside the Pentagon, particularly from the Air Force, which could lose some of its responsibilities.

Just keep Pence away from the equipment!

It’s like Peter Griffin is in charge!

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[font size="8"]September – October
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In the GOP, sexual harassers and serial perverts tend to attract their own kind. Which is why they elected and continue to support Donald J. Trump. We covered extensively last year the #MeToo movement. And they had to go and nominate this fucking guy to judge the highest law in the land, yes, that guy. Brett Kavanaugh. The guy who gave us boofing, the 4F club and of course his bizarre high school calender. Hey if you still have a calendar from high school, you are not a SCOTUS justice, you’re a hoarder.

As multiple accusers have come forward with allegations of sexual misconduct against Supreme Court Justice nominee Brett Kavanaugh, his defenders are taking predictable steps to defend him. They have tried trotting out conservative talking heads to smear Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, Kavanaugh’s initial accuser, as a “troubled” liar (though she first made the allegations to a therapist in 2012 and has since passed a polygraph test administered by a former FBI agent) and a Democratic political operative. Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, has called newer allegations by Deborah Ramirez, simply "phony."

Equally predictable has been the defenses related to Kavanaugh’s youth and level of intoxication at the time of the alleged incidents. There seems to be the unfortunate belief among Kavanaugh's defenders that “boys will be boys” and should not be held responsible for their youthful "indiscretions" or crimes.

But most men and boys are not one drink too many away from perpetrating sexual abuse. Anyone who has ever drank alcohol in excess has probably done something they later regretted, but few commit sex crimes. Alcohol doesn’t cause sexual violence; if it did, it should be illegal. Rather, alcohol is often used by predators as a tool against victims and convenient excuse for their actions.

Oh please, if you think “boys will be boys”, you probably shouldn’t be parents of boys, or parents of girls for that matter. This whole thing just made me angry, the only reason they nominated him was to “own the libs”. But you know what? SCOTUS justices have to side with the constitution, assholes! Oh and if you want to know the state of this country, just look at how we treat sexual harassment victims, like our idiot president did!

President Donald Trump for the first time directly mocked Christine Blasey Ford's testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee by casting doubt on her testimony during a campaign rally.

Before the crowd Tuesday night in Southaven, Mississippi, Trump imitated Ford during her testimony, mocking her for not knowing the answers to questions such as how she had gotten to the high school party where she says Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her.

"I had one beer. Well, do you think it was -- nope, it was one beer," Trump said, mimicking Ford's testimony last week to the Senate Judiciary Committee.

"How did you get home? I don't remember. How'd you get there? I don't remember. Where is the place? I don't remember. How many years ago was it? I don't know."

Trump's comments were met with laughter and applause from the crowd.
"I don't know. I don't know," the President continued. "What neighborhood was it in? I don't know. Where's the house? I don't know. Upstairs, downstairs -- where was it? I don't know -- but I had one beer. That's the only thing I remember."

Yeah that’s kind of how I feel about that one. But we don’t really need to relive that whole bullshit argument, so let’s skip ahead to fun things! Like when Melania went to Africa to promote her “#BeBest” campaign and really showed the kind of shining example she is to promote an anti-bullying campaign!

First lady Melania Trump said in an interview that aired Thursday that she is the most bullied person in the world, which has led her to create her anti-bullying "Be Best" initiative, before softening her comments slightly to say she is one of the most bullied.

"I could say I'm the most bullied person on the world," Trump told ABC News in an interview during her first major solo trip to Africa last week when asked what personally made her want to tackle the issue of cyberbullying.

"You're really the most bullied person in the world?" ABC News' Tom Llamas asked during the exchange.
"One of them, if you really see what people saying about me," Trump said.

Asked how bullying could affect children, including her son Barron, Trump said that is why her initiative is focused on social media and online behavior.

Womp womp! Oh and then we had one of the absolutely craziest incidents of the year happened that pretty much made us forget about Brett Kavanaugh and boofing. Yes, the MAGABomber. The guy who Bill Maher called “peak Florida” might be one of the dumbest fucking criminals alive. I mean this story was completely insane.

A man arrested on suspicion of being the MAGA bomber has been named as Native American Trump supporter Cesar Sayoc, 56. Sayoc, of Fort Lauderdale, is belived to have been arrested in Plantation, a suburb of Miami, Florida, Friday on suspicion of sending 12 pipe bombs to top Democrats and high-profile figures critical of Donald Trump. Online records show Sayoc has owned companies called Native American Catering & Vending, as well as Proud Native America One Low Price Drycleaning.

Bodybuilder Sayoc is said to have been traced by DNA and phone records, and was flagged as a suspect after making previous terror threats to judges. Meanwhile, photos have emerged of a van linked to Sayoc covered in pro-Trump and anti-Hillary Clinton stickers.

Read more: https://metro.co.uk/2018/10/26/police-seize-van-covered-in-donald-trump-stickers-after-arresting-suspected-maga-bomber-56-8078782/?ito=cbshare

Can we show the van?

I think that van might be held up by the stickers! Which of course the right used to refer to their favorite conspiracy, the false flag. I mean if you listen to these morons, everything is a false flag!

Just hours after the news broke this week that explosive devices had been sent to Bill and Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and other prominent Democrats, a conspiracy theory began to take shape in certain corners of conservative media.

The bombs, this theory went, were not actually part of a plot to harm Democrats, but were a “false flag” operation concocted by leftists in order to paint conservatives as violent radicals ahead of the elections next month.

“These ‘Suspicious Package’ stories are false flags, carefully planned for the midterms,” tweeted Jacob Wohl, a pro-Trump internet troll who writes for Gateway Pundit, a right-wing news site.

By nightfall, as more explosives were discovered addressed to Representative Maxine Waters, a California Democrat, and Eric H. Holder Jr., an attorney general under Mr. Obama, the fact-free explanation had gelled: The bombs were props, planted by Democratic operatives and amplified by a biased liberal media. A woman arrived at a debate between the two candidates for Florida governor, Ron DeSantis and Andrew Gillum, with a sign that read “Democrats Fake News Fake Bombs.” Lou Dobbs, the Fox Business host and confidant of President Trump, echoed that line in a tweet that he later deleted.

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[font size="8"]November – December
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We are almost done with our year end recap everybody! Yeah whew! Come on, I just want to see 30 Seconds To Mars, that’s what this is all about, right? I mean I can see Jared and the guys hanging out backstage! You just have to sit through a little more of my bullshit and then we can call it a year and enjoy the show! But I love this that the republicans just got their asses handed to them in the midterm election. Well we didn’t get the senate but we did take back the house! And Putin’s favorite Congressman got fired!

Dana Rohrabacher, a Republican known for his unapologetic pro-Russia stance, is projected to lose against Democrat Harley Rouda in California's 48th congressional district race.

As a member of the House Foreign Affairs Committee, Rohrabacher has advocated for a better relationship with Russian President Vladimir. He has voted with President Trump nearly 84 percent of the time, according to nonpartisan analysis from FiveThirtyEight. He also has been known to back Trump's stance on immigration.

Rouda, a businessman and lawyer promising to protect health care coverage and reduce gun violence, appeared to take the win Wednesday morning after midnight data showed a near tie between the two candidates. Rouda held over 91,000 votes and Rohrabacher had 89,068.

Democrats won the majority in the House of Representatives as midterm election results finalized. This ends unified Republican rule of Washington and opens the possibility that Trump could be investigated when they take power in January. They could demand Trump’s tax returns, subpoena his Cabinet members and investigate alleged corruption across the executive branch.

And then one of my favorite stories of the year has to be the story of Surefire Intelligence. Yes there were two guys who were rabid Trump fans and complete douchebags – 20 year old stock broker wunderkind Jacob Wohl – who was actually banned from the practice due to shady dealings (what a shocker, I know! ), and his business partner Jack Berkman. They tried to use #MeToo as a weapon to take down Robert Mueller, and well, it backfired spectacularly.

Jacob Wohl’s introduction to Washington politics and reporting in the real world—as opposed to the Twitter universe—went sideways on Thursday during a press conference that Wohl attended with conspiracy theorist and lobbyist Jack Burkman.

The pair held their show in a Holiday Inn just across the Potomac River from Washington, D.C. The premise of this press conference was to “present a credible witness” who would accuse Robert Mueller of sexual assault. But any credibility Burkman and Wohl had hoped for was gone before they ever walked into the Rosslyn-area hotel in Arlington, Virginia.

They were scooped on their own story by the Atlantic when the outlet reported that Burkman was behind a scheme to pay women to falsify allegations against Mueller. We even knew the dollar amount that Burkman was offering— $20,000.

Wohl was implicated when it was revealed that he was behind the company, Surefire Intelligence, that had published the official-looking documents outlining the allegations. Surefire’s LinkedIn pages also featured photos of stock models. The profile for an employee in Tel Aviv used a photo of actor Christoph Waltz. The phone numbers listed on Surefire’s website were registered to Wohl’s mother’s name.

Thank you Master Yoda! And then we had a huge shakeup in the Trump administration as Tribute Sessions left the wild insanity of the Trump administration and he also had a great sendoff. But yeah the Trump administration has basically become a revolving door and we can expect more Trumper Games stories in the near future! Although I don’t really want to relieve the horror at the border, I do want to show how the Proud Boys imploded!

In a video posted to YouTube on Wednesday, Proud Boys founder Gavin McInnes publicly claimed to have quit the far-right group.

The move came two days after the Guardian exclusively revealed that the FBI had categorized the Proud Boys as “an extremist group with ties to white nationalism”, in a briefing to Washington state law enforcement.

In a sometimes rambling video, McInnes referenced the Guardian story and the prosecution of seven group members over a street brawl in New York city in October, as he offered reasons for resigning from the group.

“As of today … I am officially disassociating myself from the Proud Boys,” he began.

Referencing the New York group as the “NYC Nine”, McInnes said: “I am told by my legal team and law enforcement that this gesture could help alleviate their sentencing.”

And then of course on January 3rd when the new Congress gets to work, I can’t wait to see what is going to happen to Michael Cohen and Paul Manafort. Of course you know Trump only hires “the best people” so what happens when the best people do the best squealing? Well we will find out!

The special counsel Robert Mueller's office has told defense lawyers in recent weeks that it is "tying up loose ends" in the investigation into Russia's interference in the 2016 election and whether members of President Donald Trump's campaign colluded with Moscow, Yahoo News reported Monday.

The news is not entirely unexpected. Last month, CNN reported that the special counsel had begun drafting his final report in the Russia investigation.

And this week, prosecutors are set to file several court documents that could reveal major new details about three key players in the Russia investigation: the former national security adviser Michael Flynn, the former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort, and the former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen.

All three men have pleaded guilty and have been cooperating with prosecutors.


By the way if you really want to see Trump’s presidency in action just look at him boarding Air Force One!

And that’s our 2018 year in review everybody!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Yes it’s the segment where we in the comedy profession explain the concept of humor to people who just quite don’t get it. And you know who doesn’t get humor? The guy who we currently call president, Donald J. Trump. Trump has a hate-hate relationship with everyone’s favorite sketch comedy series Saturday Night Live, and you know he’s got a fourth monitor 10 inches from his bed so he can hate-watch the show. And boy that sketch on Saturday Night Live must have really left a mark. If you haven’t seen that sketch go back to the beginning of this edition and watch it again. Because if there’s one thing that really pisses off Donald J. Trump, it’s when he gets trolled. And this sketch trolled him hard, and it is really getting under his skin.

Have you noticed that Saturday Night Live cracks a lot of jokes at Donald Trump’s expense? The president has, several times—decrying Alec Baldwin’s goonish impersonation of him on multiple occasions and, in September, calling the venerated sketch show “a political ad for the Dems.” But on Sunday, as if awakening from an amnesiac slumber, the president became aware of the phenomenon once more. And wouldn’t you know it, he is not amused.

S.N.L. took its last shot at the president for the year in its midseason finale on Saturday, with a spoof on It’s a Wonderful Life in which Baldwin’s bumbling Trump found out what the world would be like, had he never been elected. (Spoiler alert: everyone, including the president himself, would have been better off.) On Sunday, after a weekend of bashing the press and calling attention to any matter of intrigue that was not his former attorney going to prison for three years, the president fired an angry tweet NBC’s way like clockwork.

“A REAL scandal is the one sided coverage, hour by hour, of networks like NBC & Democrat spin machines like Saturday Night Live,” the president wrote. “It is all nothing less than unfair news coverage and Dem commercials. Should be tested in courts, can’t be legal? Only defame & belittle! Collusion?”

The president has fumed over S.N.L.‘s alleged one-sidedness before; back in 2016, soon after his electoral victory, he exploded over an episode of the show before asking, “Equal time for us?” As Baldwin pointed out at the time, that rule only applies to candidates. And Trump also seemed to conveniently forget that he hosted the show himself back in 2015 when he was on the campaign trail—a move that inspired no shortage of outrage on the left. Still, given this administration’s oft-demonstrated disinterest in facts, it’s hard to imagine what else any of us should have expected.

To which we say – “good luck with that!”. I mean come on it’s a fucking comedy show, if they’re not mocking your ridiculous behavior 24 hours a day, they’re doing it wrong! Seriously when SNL comes back after the break, they should just mock this mercilessly. And here’s the thing, if Trump thinks SNL is bad, he probably shouldn’t turn on the TV when he goes to Europe!

It’s time for Christmas gifts in Europe, and comedy sketch writers here have rarely considered themselves to be so fortunate. As the continent’s very own Brexit drama is turning into a dark comedy, President Trump is a gift that keeps on giving to satirical shows.

Europe’s star comedians are doing their best to return the favor. Last week, Germany’s top-rated “Heute Show” satirical broadcast awarded Trump its so-called Goldener Vollpfosten (Golden Idiot) award for the fourth-consecutive time — a keenly anticipated decision by the public broadcaster that made its way into the nation’s more serious news outlets. Trump shares this year’s award with Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, among others.

Meanwhile, in Brexit-distraught Britain, viewers appeared relieved that things may still look messier in the White House than on 10 Downing Street and picked a Trump joke as their annual favorite. Some 2,000 Brits followed a call for action by British comedy channel Gold and picked the following line as 2018′s most hilarious one: “What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker? Pays her off.” Pulling a cracker, according to Urban Dictionary, is a British “phrase used during the festive season to describe going out with a view to hooking up with an attractive person” — a not-too-subtle reference to the hush money payments by Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen.

You really know things are fucked up when the Germans get humor and you don’t! NEIN!!! My favorite thing too is that conservatives were whining big time about the fact that Trump is being called an idiot in Google searches, and I think the Germans are on to something here! And here’s the thing, Mr. Trump – we get it! You’re a TV guy! But you don’t have to find literally every mention of your name in the media. You know who does that? Weird Al. And least Weird Al is funny about it, whereas we know you hate-watch SNL. I mean what do you have like a Google alert for every time your name is mentioned in a late night program?

It looks like Donald Trump was not impressed with the way Saturday Night Live lampooned his administration (again) this week.

This week's cold open imagined what Washington might be like right about now if Trump had not won the presidency in 2016, with Alec Baldwin returning to deliver his signature mouth-squinch as the POTUS in the It's a Wonderful Life-themed black-and-white short guided by Kenan Thompson's Clarence the Angel.

The segment features Sarah Huckabee-Sanders (Aidy Bryant) as a PR rep to a slew of other controversial companies, Kellyanne Conway (Kate McKinnon) feeling pretty radiant about the lack of lies in her life, Eric Trump (Alex Moffat) having earned a few new IQ points, Melania Trump (Cecily Strong) as a real estate mogul in her own right, Michael Cohen (Ben Stiller) as a much peppier attorney-slash-fixer who's free to proceed on that Trump Tower Moscow project, Mike Pence (Beck Bennett) enjoying a post-political life as a spirited DJ. After seeing their happiness on parade, NotTrump concludes, "Wow, so everyone is better off without me being president."

The night's host, Matt Damon, also reprised his role as Brett Kavanaugh — only this time, his love of beer and childhood friends named "Squi" is endearing — and, last but not least, Robert De Niro arrived again as Robert Mueller, who was happy to have so much more time to spend with his grandson in retirement.

Yeah probably! And you know you’re thin skinned when John Legend’s wife Chrissy Tegen can shut you down with just 3 words. Can we show that tweet?

Someone call the burn ward because you just got burned! I mean for the party that loves to rail on snowflakes, they sure are a bunch of snowflakes aren’t they? Really no one is more thin skinned than the white Christian conservative. But the day you can have my late night sketch comedy is the day you pry it from my cold dead hands, OK?

CNN’s Alisyn Camerota is serious about her political comedy.

After Saturday Night Live opened its final show of 2018 this weekend with an It’s a Wonderful Life parody that imagined a world in which Donald Trump was never elected president, the actual president of the United States tweeted, “A REAL scandal is the one sided coverage, hour by hour, of networks like NBC & Democrat spin machines like Saturday Night Live.”

“It is all nothing less than unfair news coverage and Dem commercials,” Trump added. “Should be tested in courts, can’t be legal? Only defame & belittle! Collusion?”

As her co-anchor John Berman read that “official statement” aloud to New Day viewers on Monday morning, Camerota interrupted to him to point out that SNL is “actually not news,” it’s a “comedy show.”

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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you why the holiest among us are also the most full of:

My fair congregation! This is the last week of the year for us, we are going to take the holy high holidays off and come back next year rested and refreshed and ready to take on all the batshit being flung at us by our brothers and sisters on the right! But… before we go, we are going to look back on the year that was because they were up to their usual bag of tricks. Of course you know there has been an ongoing war between those in the spiritual world who support the unholy, ungodly Dark One – whose name shall not be mentioned in my church – and those that do! They even made a movie about it!

Mark Taylor is sure he knows why Donald Trump became president.

Forget Hillary hatred, white anger, Russian interference or voter turnout. Trump’s victory was God’s will, said Taylor. Taylor said he knows this because God told him so.

In 2011, while watching an interview with Trump on TV, Taylor says he heard a voice saying, “The Spirit of God says I’ve chosen this man, Donald Trump, for such a time as this.”

And the Almighty is just getting started, said Taylor, a former firefighter who has published 23 “prophetic words,” many about Trump’s presidency.

The presidential prediction is detailed in “The Trump Prophecy,” a new film produced with the help of faculty and students at Liberty University — some of whom later rejected its message — that will be shown in some 1,200 theaters on Oct. 2 and 4.

I mean really, I love that the Christian right has a guy who thinks he’s a firefighter, a guy who thinks he’s a coach, and a guy who thinks he’s a sea captain. Really, they’re only a Native American chief short of the Village People! But you know this is also the year that the uber religious opened their own theme park!

Northern Kentucky's Noah's Ark replica attracted one million visitors during its second year of operation, officials said.

Answers in Genesis (AIG), which owns the Ark Encounter and the Creation Museum, reported a 20 percent jump in attendance year over year for the ark.

The structure, literally of Biblical proportions, opened to the public in July 2016 and drew about drew over 1 million visitors to Williamstown during its first year of operation as well. Answers in Genesis initially projected 1.2 million would attend.

By most accounts, the ark draws more visitors than its sister attraction. AIG does not release yearly attendance numbers for the Creation Museum, according to spokeswoman Melany Ethridge, however, organization leaders said in 2016 they were hoping the museum would draw 600,000 that year.

New additions are planned for the Ark Encounter grounds including the Answers Center, more zoo space, restaurants and a children's play area. The center will house a 2,500-seat auditorium and a 36,000-square foot basement with classrooms.

Yes so there is a giant ark and it’s quite possibly the worst theme park ever. But then of course I love delving into the world of conspiracy theories and there were quite a lot of them in this administration from the get go, but then they combine their street preaching and reckless conspiracy theories into a fight club known as Patriot Prayer. I mean that just sounds horrible doesn’t it?

Fresh off another violent street brawl in Portland, Patriot Prayer is planning a pair of college campus visits to talk about guns -- but now is turning its attention to its home turf of Clark County.

Members of the right-wing group plan to be at Clark College on Oct. 22 and Washington State University Vancouver the next day to protest a state ballot initiative that would raise the minimum age of semi-automatic rifle purchasers to 21 from 18.

Joey Gibson, a Vancouver resident and Patriot Prayer's leader, said about three dozen supporters will hand out fliers encouraging students to oppose Initiative 1639, which would also impose a 10-day waiting period for semi-automatic purchases and require buyers to take firearms training.

Several campus groups at WSU Vancouver this week published an open letter to urge students and faculty not to attend class during Patriot Prayer's visit, citing the group's propensity for physical confrontations and its history of drawing white nationalists and other controversial participants to its events, The Columbian reported.

Clark College spokeswoman Hannah Erickson told the paper the school also had concerns about the group coming to its campus, which Gibson dismissed.

"They're not going to stop us talking to students. It's not going to happen," he told The Columbian, adding that Initiative 1639 was "fascist."

Yes, my constituents! Nothing says JAYSUS like a pep talk from a fight club about guns! I mean really who is he kidding? I’ve read our good book cover to cover and I don’t remember any passage where JAYSUS told his disciples that it is better to shoot first and ask questions later! And speaking of shooting first and asking questions later, is it any wonder that they love the apocalypse?

Intercessors for America, the pro-Trump group that has been mobilizing its prayer warriors to help elect “godly” candidates in the 2018 midterms, has bumped up the frequency of its monthly prayer calls and will be holding them every week between now and the election. Rep. Jody Hice of Georgia was the featured guest on last Friday’s call.

IFA’s Dave Kubal described this year’s elections as the most important ever, and called Hice “one of my favorite Congressmen.” Hice returned the favor, saying that intercessory prayer activists are “the most important group in America right now.” He said that the “evidence of intercession is abundant in ways we cannot even fathom,” citing as examples the election of Trump and his ability to name Supreme Court justices, and the prayer meetings and Bible studies happening “all over the place” in Washington and at the U.N. and the Pentagon.

Hice warned that if Democrats take the House, they would immediately “begin pursuing impeachment, be it against President Trump or Chief Justice Kavanaugh [sic].” Under Democratic control, he said, taxes would rise, the military would “suffer,” there would be more sanctuary cities and less border protection, and religious freedom would be threatened.

Asked about pundits giving Democrats a 75 percent chance of winning a House majority, Hice noted that the same pundits had given Hillary Clinton a greater than 90 percent chance of winning the presidency in 2016. Hice took comfort in the fact that Trump moved the U.S. embassy in Israel to Jerusalem because God said that He would bless those who bless Israel.

Because impeaching the DARK ONE will lead directly to the apocalypse! You know I’ve seen this sort of movie before. It starts with impeachment and ends with nuclear hellfire! Yes because that’s what we need living under an unstable, unhinged lunatic with easy access to nuclear weapons – reason for him to use them! Can I get an amen???? But is it any wonder why supports of the Dark One – whose name shall not be spoken in my church - are losing if this is the kind of bullshit that we have to put up with? And yes, it is OK to swear in my church!

Last night, right-wing “journalist” and Trump–worshiping conspiracy theorist Liz Crokin posted a get-out-the-vote video on YouTube in which she asserted that a vote cast for any Democratic candidate in the midterm elections is a vote in support of the rape, torture, and murder of children.

“Tomorrow’s election boils down to whether or not you support the rape, torture, trafficking, and murdering of children, period,” she said. “Yes, it literally is that black and white. It is literally that simple.”

“The Democratic Party is the party of child sex trafficking,” Crokin continued. “Their policies—sanctuary cities, the border wall, the caravan crisis, the refugee crisis—these are all covers, people, to traffic children. Period! Tomorrow boils down to whether you support the trafficking of children or not. Period! I cannot stress this enough.”

“The members of Congress who are Democrats are tied into child sex trafficking in one way, shape, or form,” she added. “Whether they are directly trafficking kids themselves and raping kids and torturing kids themselves, or whether they are profiting off of it, or if they’re blackmailed, it doesn’t matter. That party’s polices encourages and fosters and enables child sex trafficking and many of the Demon-crats are directly running child sex trafficking rings, period.”

“If you are finding this video and seeing this video right now and you are undecided, there is a reason for that,” Crokin said. “God is calling you to the polls. And let me tell you, if you are not okay with children being raped, tortured, and trafficked, then you need to vote red all the way down the line. Period!”

Sadly we’re going to have to put up with more of that shit next year, but just be remembered that this is how the Dark One lost! Can I get an amen??? There you go, mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this year for:

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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!

Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. We’re almost at the end of the year and it’s time to look back on all the incredibly stupid people that we’ve found over the last year that was 2018. So where do we start? Well I want to start with what might be the dumbest story of the decade. Shit, maybe one of the dumbest stories of the century. Yeah there’s nothing at all that will ever top this one. So what story is it? Yup it’s the border patrol agent who was holding a gender reveal party and turned a hundred acres of brush into one of the largest fires in Arizona history!

When Dennis Dickey, a United States Border Patrol agent from Arizona, fired at a target filled with colorful powder, he was expecting to learn the gender of his future child, his lawyer said.

Instead, the target erupted and sparked a fire that consumed more than 45,000 acres of land and resulted in more than $8 million in damages, the United States attorney’s office for Arizona said.

On Friday, Mr. Dickey pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor violation of United States Forest Service regulations for igniting what became known as the Sawmill Fire, which started on April 23, 2017, and had nearly 800 firefighters battling it for about a week.

The fire began while Mr. Dickey was off duty near Green Valley, Ariz., about 26 miles south of Tucson, to celebrate his wife’s pregnancy, his lawyer, Sean Chapman, told The Arizona Daily Star.

You know it’s really going to be hard to pick the dumbest stories of the year because there were a lot of very strong contenders. Well one of my favorites was out of New Hampshire where a guy took the “judgement free zone” policy of gym chain Planet Fitness just a little too literally.

A Haverhill man who stripped naked and did yoga poses in a crowded Planet Fitness over the weekend learned the limits of the gym chain’s “judgement-free” philosophy.

Eric Stagno, 34, was arrested at the Planet Fitness in Plaistow, N.H., shortly after 1:30 p.m. on Sunday, according to police Captain Brett Morgan.

“When officers arrived, they found him there, completely nude: on his knees in a yoga-type position,” Morgan said. “He walked into the gym, stripped down at the door, then proceeded to walk back and forth a couple of times before settling in on the yoga mats.”

The gym was fairly crowded at the time, but Stagno kept to himself, Morgan said. He checked himself out in the mirror and made his way over to the yoga mats, seemingly unaware that those around him were perturbed.

Yup, that happened! Don’t judge me!!!! Don’t judge me!!!! It’s a judgement free zone!!! And of course we can’t talk about stupid people without mentioning America’s most penis shaped state – Florida, a lot of stupid and batshit crazy out of that state. For instance one of my favorite stories this year was the guy who got who took the phrase “get off my lawn” just a little too literally:

You know a neighbors’ spat is no longer neighborly when chainsaws get involved.

That’s what happened in Pasco County when two men got into a dispute over the shrubs between their houses last week. It ended with one of them needing surgery to repair severed tendons in his hand, WFLA reported.

The man with the chainsaw was Gregory Landaker, 70, of Land O’ Lakes, who was cutting shrubs on the property line he shares with Jeffrey Zlocki.

When Zlocki noticed what was going on, he went out and hugged “his bushes,” according to the sheriff’s office report.

That apparently didn’t deter Landaker, who continued sawing away. The chainsaw struck Zlocki in his left hand, and he was taken to Tampa General Hospital.

It wasn’t quite the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but blood definitely flowed.

And then of course I love stupid criminal stories and the stupider the better. One of my favorite stupid criminal stories this year was the story of the cheerleader who was nominated for homecoming queen and then got busted for trying to bribe potential voters with pot brownies!

A 17-year-old cheerleader at a Michigan high school is accused of giving pot brownies to fellow students in hopes they'd vote for her as homecoming queen.

The student, now the subject of a criminal investigation, allegedly brought 12 marijuana-laced brownies to Hartford High School on September 26, authorities say.

Hartford patrolman Michael Prince, who is investigating the incident, told WWMT-TV that some of the brownies, nine of which are unaccounted for, were given to football players in "goody bags" as a way to campaign for homecoming queen.

In a letter sent home to parents, Hartford Public Schools said they were contacted by state police following an anonymous tip that students were eating pot brownies at the school. The school confirmed the report and involved students "are being dealt with" according to district policies and student handbooks, superintendent Andrew Hubbard said in a statement.

And then finally this year for people are dumb – another one of my favorite stories, this time out of Fresno – you know the hometown of one of Putin’s favorite Congressmen – Devin Nunes! You know here’s the thing – we all hate spiders. But you know what you don’t do with them? Kill them with a blow torch!!

A house caught on fire after a man tried to kill spiders and get rid of webs, according to a fire department.

Fresno firefighters said the man was house sitting for his parents and used a blowtorch against black widows, KFSN-TV reported.

Fire department spokesman Capt. Robert Castillo said the man used the open flame outdoors, starting at a brick veneer section of the approximately 4,000-square-foot home. He eventually noticed smoke coming from the attic.

Fire trucks inundated a street by the home Tuesday night. About 27 firefighters responded.

It caused an estimated $10,000 in damage.

That’s it this year for:

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[font size="8"]Deep State Diaries Episode 24: The Internal Revenue Service
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It’s time for episode 24 of Deep State Diaries. Yes we’re touring the 24 branches and services that make up the United States government. Everything from the FBI to the IRS to the Pentagon to the CIA to the DPW to the DVA to parks and recreation and all branches and services in between. Of course if you’re here you probably already know more about our government and how it works than your average Fox News loving Trump supporter does. So that’s what this segment is going to address. We are going to do a deep dive into all that makes the United States the United States. Because we here at the Top 10 love to educate as well as entertain. Because we care.

[font size="6"]The Internal Revenue Service[/font]

Well there’s two things that are inevitable – death and taxes. Yes, for our last edition of this year we have decided that we are going to tackle one of this country’s most hated institutions. The Internal Revenue Service. And you might be thinking that facing an actual IRS auditor is the absolute worst thing in the world. But you know what? It really isn’t, after all, they are just here to help, like the Baymax robot in Big Hero 6. So what does the IRS do on an actual day to day basis? Well they mainly assist with checks, balances, and fraud. Of which there currently is a *LOT* of fraud. And things like, well, your paycheck are on the line. Especially if this happens!

The Internal Revenue Service (IRS) is warning about an uptick in phishing emails involving payroll direct deposit, wire transfer, and W-2 scams. The emails, which are primarily targeted to businesses, are not limited to a particular industry or employer though the IRS has received reports that tax preparers are among those affected.

Here’s how they typically work. The emails generally impersonate a real company employee, often an executive, and are sent to payroll or human resources (HR) personnel. The email asks the payroll or HR department to change the employee’s deposit for payroll purposes and provides a new bank account and routing number which, of course, leads to a bogus account operated by the scammer. By the time the deception has been discovered, the employee has lost one or two payroll deposits.

In another version, the emails impersonate a company executive and are directed to the company employee responsible for wire transfers. The email requests that a wire transfer be made to a bank account for company purposes, but is actually controlled by the scammer.

Yeah so the next time that you think you might be ripped off or a fraudster goes after your paycheck, thank the IRS! But people love to hate on the IRS, just ask the “Church” of Scientology! But you know too, what does the IRS think about a burgeoning industry that could soon be taxed and regulated? Yes, that industry!

The federal tax treatment of state-legal marijuana businesses makes no sense. As I used to tell staff who made "no sense" comments - That's not a requirement. That is the basis of Reilly's First Law of Tax Planning - It is what it is. Deal with it.

The problem is created by Code Section 280E

No deduction or credit shall be allowed for any amount paid or incurred during the taxable year in carrying on any trade or business if such trade or business (or the activities which comprise such trade or business) consists of trafficking in controlled substances (within the meaning of schedule I and II of the Controlled Substances Act) which is prohibited by Federal law or the law of any State in which such trade or business is conducted

Here is the schedule and you can see Marihuana and Marihuana Extract on Page 10. (Apparently spelling it with an "h" rather than a "j" was a thing back in the Reefer Madness days.)

I think the funniest thing about that clip is Krusty having to read that clip. But you know the IRS has rules for everything. But yeah, it’s funny how Trumpers are going insane about people crossing the border illegally, but they have absolutely no problems cheating on their taxes! So what happens when you get caught?

A Rockford man was indicted Tuesday by a federal grand jury on charges of federal tax fraud and interfering with internal revenue laws.

Michael Mendoza, 31, faces sixteen counts of making false claims on Internal Revenue Service.

Mendoza allegedly claimed tax refunds worth $356,844 that he was not entitled to between 2014 and 2016. According to the indictment, he allegedly made false representations on wages, income tax amounts, and withholding amounts.

Per the indictment, Mendoza electronically filed federal income tax returns for himself and in the names of other persons, causing refunds claimed to be deposited into bank accounts he owned and controlled.

Mendoza faces up to five years in prison and a $250,000 fine for each charge of a false IRS claim. He faces an additional three years in prison for attempting to interfere with the IRS administration.

Yeah so if you do get audited don’t be like Peter. And by the way, you should be thanking the IRS for protecting you from some hardcore scamming, not trying to destroy them. And yes if it can happen to me, it can happen to you or to anyone.

This Christmas season, the agency is speaking out about the scam and warning people not to fall victim.

IRS Spokesperson Clay Sanford said, "It happens to someone, probably once a week, somewhere." Sanford adds that many scammers pretending to be IRS employees make up fake badge numbers and even use threatening language. "They may already know something about you they may have done their homework ... we don't ask for bank account information we certainly won't threaten to put you in jail," he said.

Some of the callers even demand you pay them with gift cards. Sanford said, "We've seen scams wanting them to pay with iTunes gift cards. People have actually done this." If this happens to you, the IRS said hang up the phone and report it to the Inspector General at www.tigta.gov.

Sanford adds, it is highly unlikely you'll ever actually receive a call from the IRS. "It's not out of the realm of possibility to get a call from the IRS, we generally don't call people and ask for things like social security numbers," he said. Sanford says the main method of communication used by the IRS is the U.S. Postal Service. "It would probably be only when several mailed notices have gone ignored, that you might get an actual phone call from the IRS," he said.

[font size="6"]Score Card [/font]

Overall importance: A
How Things Are Going: C-
Likely hood To Survive: C+

Overall: B-

[font size="6"]Next Week [/font]

There is no next week, but when we come back on January 9th we’re going to take a look at the Department Of The Interior! Which is going just swimmingly from what I’ve heard!

[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]30 Seconds To Mars[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen we have saved one of the best for last, I am super excited to have my next guest on, they have a new album called “America”. No tour dates yet but we will let you know. Playing their song called “Dangerous Night”, let’s give it up for 30 Seconds To Mars!!!!

Thank you very much everybody! This is the season finale for the Top 10! I want to thank my staff, my crew, my fans, everyone who has been keeping the Top 10 going throughout this crazy year. I also want to thank all my hosts, you were great! We will be taking a much deserved break, we’ll be back on January 9th, 2019 with a new edition live from Portland! See you next year!


Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: UCB Theater Franklin St, Hollywood, CA
Special Thanks To: UCB Theater Management
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: UCLA Gospel Choir, Westwood
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

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Reply Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-24: 2018 Year In Review Edition (Original post)
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Wed Dec 19, 2018, 06:14 PM

1. My iPad is no good for your weekly thread

Can't wait for my laptop to return


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Wed Dec 19, 2018, 06:24 PM

2. PEBiC

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