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Tue Oct 9, 2018, 09:51 AM

 

Selling dryer Buyer says he can get it out if I help Fuck it I pick up a side Then I see look on his


SaraSuze @tragedythyme

A quick reminder for men: Common events for you can turn into really scary situations for women in a snap.

Case in point: This week I listed a clothes dryer on the Letgo app. Because it was a dryer, a neutral meeting location was impractical. I needed it taken out of my house.

To try to stay safe, I decided to only allow people to pick it up after 5 when my husband would be home. But a guy who works nights asked if he could come in the am instead; I said yes as long as you're here before husband leaves for work.

The next morning, buyer isn't here before husband leaves. I message and tell him not to come. He shows up 15 min later. In addition to being late, he has no dolly or help, despite the ad saying the dryer was in a basement & you'd have to remove yourself.

He says he will come back with help, I say after 5 would be great. He then asks if he could just see it real quick before coming back and bringing someone over, in case he doesn't want it. So, now I have a decision to make.

I quickly try to assess my likelihood of danger, as every woman has done so, so many times. It's instinct. First, what's his age? Late 60s, early 70s. He's tall but thin. Wearing a wedding ring. Hasn't smiled at me strangely or looked at me for too long. I make a judgment call.

Feeling like he's more likely to be safe than unsafe, and feeling badly about not letting him see the dryer, I invite him in. Once in the basement, he's POSITIVE he can get it out with just a LITTLE help he says, looking at me. Fuck it. I pick up a side.

Walk to the stairs is fine. We're sharing the work. With each stair, I'm feeling more and more of the weight. I'm sweating. Heaving. Pissed. Halfway up the stairs and it feels like he's doing NOTHING.
And then I see it. The look on his face.

He's staring at me, hard. Right in the eyes, sly smile on his lips. My hair is matted to my forehead. I can't get a comfortable grip. I'm just about to ask him what's going on - is he even lifting? - when he starts to speak.
"Damn, girl. Look at you. Man, those thighs. Put em to work, huh? That sweat looks good on you. Workin thighs like that, I bet your husband is a happy man. C'mon, show me what you got." I was mortified. And I'm realizing I can't get out. He & a dryer I'm lifting are blocking me.

So I do what women do, lower my eyes, pretend to laugh a little, start lifting faster. The comments and staring hey worse but I try to block them out. As soon as I am free of the basement I walk straight past him to my phone, wait 5 seconds, and say, "honey, the buyer is here!"

And wanna guess what happened? He left without buying it. Was this guy going murder me? Probably not. But I'm not sure. Am I pissed I had to worry about being murdered in my own home because grandpa creeper likes sweaty women? Yeah. Fucker.

The point - other than my being pissed and wanting to tell people - is that events like this, even when we come out ok, take an emotional toll. I was scared. He left more and more of the weight on me & watched me squirm. And now I have one more "thing" that I have to worry about.

So men, if you want to be allies, then recognizing that assault is bad is just the minimum. For every sexual assault, there are thousands of events that don't lead to violence but which scare the shit out of us, especially after our "assessment" turns out to have been wrong.

And obviously, if you ever are in a woman's home alone, whether during a service call or an online sale like this, accept if she's home alone, she's likely done the assessment. Respect her space, don't do gross shit. The basics. Please.

UPDATE: This man just showed up at my house. It's 10pm. Husband answered doorbell, drunk guy mumbles "wrong house" & goes back to his truck. I looked out the window and saw it was him. Tomorrow I'll be here alone with my 4yo while my husband is at work. Terrified in my own house.

UPDATE 2: called the police, they were VERY helpful & said I'm in a great spot for rotating cars to sit outside as much as they can tomorrow. Going to see about taking my little one & spending the day at a friend's house tomorrow just in case. Thank you to everyone for support.

A final comment about this: when I was stuck on the steps with that dryer & he was saying that disgusting shit, I just wanted to escape. I was scared but was calculating how to get out of the situation. Later, as I typed up this story, my fear had given way to rage & disgust.

And then tonight, when he came back, any fantasies I may have harbored earlier while I was typing this story about telling him to fuck off, leave me alone, etc - ALL of those disappeared immediately. I saw him and felt nothing but terror. This wasn't a man who'd physically hurt me. He didn't rape me. Never even touched n me, in fact. He just said gross shit as I struggled with a heavy appliance. Not that it was nothing, but in the grand scheme of things, my experience was nothing compared to the evil shit people do to each other every day. And yet what I felt when I saw him tonight was nothing short of terror. I will never, ever, be one of those movie heroines who seeks revenge and stands up for herself to teach the bad guy a lesson. I'm the girl who starts crying & shaking so badly she can't say the words "that's him" clearly

And if I'm being honest, I'm ashamed of that. For all my marching and fist-waving and dreams about screaming at bastards like Kavenaugh in some restaurant one day, the truth is that in the moment, I crumbled. I cried when I typed this update & when I called the police.

The rage that I felt earlier when I told this story hay not have been productive, but it felt good. I enjoyed thinking that this rage would protect & strengthen me if this ever happened again. But then when he showed up, that rage turned to mist. Nothing had changed in me. There was no newfound bravery or empowerment, no matter how much I wanted it to be so. And that's ok. I know it is ok to be scared.

But I could've lived without having my fantasy disproven so quickly. It was warm & made me feel good about myself, and I'll miss it. So, attention you asshole from letgo. It wasn't enough that you said those things & trapped me in my house & scared me & that my back is killing me now from holding that thing & moving it so fast. It wasn't enough that I'd never felt scared on my house before you showed up here tonight.
On top of all of that, you also took from me any hope that I would be one of those women who could turn fear to strength. I'm not one. But I would've liked to believe I was, & you took that from me, too. And damn it, fuck you for that, whoever you are. Just please, please don't come back.

NEXT DAY UPDATE: To all of the men on here pointing out what I did wrong to bring this on myself, please know I am taking articulate notes with your suggestions and cannot wait to follow your instructions and enjoy my new life of extreme safety
Also, lots more was said/done during the event that was utterly disgusting that I didn't discuss in detail here in order to avoid triggering others. Because that is yet another thing that women do instinctively to protect themselves and one another.
To the men who have reached out and told me they're listening to their wives & believing that this happens to them EVERY DAY - your stories warm my heart. And to the male allies on here standing up to other men while also seeking to improve yourselves - I fucking see and love you.

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Reply Selling dryer Buyer says he can get it out if I help Fuck it I pick up a side Then I see look on his (Original post)
jodymarie aimee Oct 2018 OP
Girard442 Oct 2018 #1
Hugin Oct 2018 #2
malthaussen Oct 2018 #6
Hugin Oct 2018 #8
malthaussen Oct 2018 #13
Hugin Oct 2018 #16
still_one Oct 2018 #3
camartinwv Oct 2018 #15
still_one Oct 2018 #36
cwydro Oct 2018 #130
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #169
niyad Oct 2018 #131
calimary Oct 2018 #173
Merlot Oct 2018 #23
still_one Oct 2018 #43
cwydro Oct 2018 #51
still_one Oct 2018 #52
Grasswire2 Oct 2018 #60
cwydro Oct 2018 #81
lunatica Oct 2018 #56
Joe Chi Minh Oct 2018 #161
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #45
still_one Oct 2018 #50
malthaussen Oct 2018 #4
marble falls Oct 2018 #5
TeapotInATempest Oct 2018 #20
marble falls Oct 2018 #25
TeapotInATempest Oct 2018 #30
Merlot Oct 2018 #32
7962 Oct 2018 #96
raccoon Oct 2018 #87
Merlot Oct 2018 #26
mudstump Oct 2018 #100
jcgoldie Oct 2018 #7
RobertDevereaux Oct 2018 #9
bluecollar2 Oct 2018 #10
Permanut Oct 2018 #11
The Wizard Oct 2018 #12
Corgigal Oct 2018 #14
cate94 Oct 2018 #19
Liberal In Texas Oct 2018 #68
raccoon Oct 2018 #90
Hugin Oct 2018 #97
Kaleva Oct 2018 #118
cwydro Oct 2018 #119
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #172
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #145
Corgigal Oct 2018 #146
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #153
malthaussen Oct 2018 #157
Haggis for Breakfast Oct 2018 #175
cate94 Oct 2018 #17
TeapotInATempest Oct 2018 #21
Locrian Oct 2018 #71
brush Oct 2018 #18
onlyadream Oct 2018 #41
TeapotInATempest Oct 2018 #22
58Sunliner Oct 2018 #24
Texin Oct 2018 #27
BlancheSplanchnik Oct 2018 #28
Lonestarblue Oct 2018 #29
Ilsa Oct 2018 #31
TeapotInATempest Oct 2018 #34
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #48
Pepsidog Oct 2018 #33
mercuryblues Oct 2018 #93
Pepsidog Oct 2018 #149
jmbar2 Oct 2018 #35
cwydro Oct 2018 #37
iscooterliberally Oct 2018 #38
onlyadream Oct 2018 #40
iscooterliberally Oct 2018 #44
onlyadream Oct 2018 #39
Kaleva Oct 2018 #42
cwydro Oct 2018 #47
Kaleva Oct 2018 #59
cwydro Oct 2018 #83
Kaleva Oct 2018 #94
-Steph- Oct 2018 #54
Kaleva Oct 2018 #57
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #67
Kaleva Oct 2018 #76
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #91
Kaleva Oct 2018 #101
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #102
roody Oct 2018 #155
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #171
58Sunliner Oct 2018 #180
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #58
Kaleva Oct 2018 #61
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #70
Kaleva Oct 2018 #78
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #79
Kaleva Oct 2018 #85
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #103
Kaleva Oct 2018 #105
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #108
Kaleva Oct 2018 #114
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #116
Kaleva Oct 2018 #117
cwydro Oct 2018 #120
Kaleva Oct 2018 #127
cwydro Oct 2018 #133
Kaleva Oct 2018 #135
jodymarie aimee Oct 2018 #165
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #121
cwydro Oct 2018 #122
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #124
cwydro Oct 2018 #126
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #136
cwydro Oct 2018 #147
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #150
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #170
Kaleva Oct 2018 #125
cwydro Oct 2018 #129
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #134
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #132
Kaleva Oct 2018 #138
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #140
cwydro Oct 2018 #106
Kaleva Oct 2018 #112
cwydro Oct 2018 #123
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #137
cwydro Oct 2018 #148
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #151
jodymarie aimee Oct 2018 #163
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #166
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #139
Paladin Oct 2018 #46
More_Cowbell Oct 2018 #49
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #53
Moostache Oct 2018 #55
oldtime dfl_er Oct 2018 #62
FM123 Oct 2018 #63
catrose Oct 2018 #64
logosoco Oct 2018 #65
raccoon Oct 2018 #99
logosoco Oct 2018 #113
secondwind Oct 2018 #66
RobinA Oct 2018 #152
PatSeg Oct 2018 #69
grantcart Oct 2018 #73
3Hotdogs Oct 2018 #72
kag Oct 2018 #74
Silver1 Oct 2018 #75
oldtime dfl_er Oct 2018 #77
HipChick Oct 2018 #80
Faux pas Oct 2018 #82
Ohiogal Oct 2018 #84
niyad Oct 2018 #86
LittleGirl Oct 2018 #88
peggysue2 Oct 2018 #107
IronLionZion Oct 2018 #89
Maraya1969 Oct 2018 #92
radical noodle Oct 2018 #95
MineralMan Oct 2018 #98
cwydro Oct 2018 #109
MineralMan Oct 2018 #110
Canoe52 Oct 2018 #104
Joe Chi Minh Oct 2018 #159
renate Oct 2018 #186
BeckyDem Oct 2018 #111
Solly Mack Oct 2018 #115
Ligyron Oct 2018 #128
Honeycombe8 Oct 2018 #141
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #143
Kaleva Oct 2018 #162
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #167
Kaleva Oct 2018 #176
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #178
Kaleva Oct 2018 #181
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #182
Kaleva Oct 2018 #183
SunSeeker Oct 2018 #184
Kaleva Oct 2018 #164
meadowlark5 Oct 2018 #142
EffieBlack Oct 2018 #144
jimlup Oct 2018 #154
HelenWheels Oct 2018 #156
Joe Chi Minh Oct 2018 #158
Marthe48 Oct 2018 #160
coeur_de_lion Oct 2018 #168
cstanleytech Oct 2018 #174
Chitowncutie Oct 2018 #177
mountain grammy Oct 2018 #179
PatrickforO Oct 2018 #185
Nitram Oct 2018 #187

Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 10:08 AM

1. I'm sorry. I'm just really sorry.

I feel guilty about all the times I rolled my eyes when women talked about the extreme precautions they felt forced to take. No one should have to live under siege 24/7, but that's the crappy state of the world.

Again, I'm sorry.

On edit:

Re: people giving advice. Imagine you're driving down a road and somebody slams into your car and pretty much totals it. There are always people who jump in with helpful advice:

Oh, that road's dangerous, you should never go there.

Always slow down at any intersection just be be sure.

If you hadn't left the house so early, you would have been more rested and more alert.

If you were driving a Beemer like mine instead of your econobox, you would have been able to maneuver away.


That makes the people giving the advice feel smug -- and accomplishes absolutely nothing else.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)


Response to Hugin (Reply #2)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 10:22 AM

6. I do believe the point is...

... that she wasn't uncomfortable until the guy started acting like a scumbag.

She did the cost-benefit analysis and decided it would probably be okay. The result will probably need no more iterations.

-- Mal

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Response to malthaussen (Reply #6)


Response to Hugin (Reply #8)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 10:35 AM

13. She also clearly stated...

... that she wasn't looking for advice or a post-mortem on what she did wrong.

Shall we just say that, before this event, her trigger was lest quick than that of your S/O? People fall all over the bell-curve when it comes to behavior.

-- Mal

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Response to malthaussen (Reply #13)


Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)


Response to still_one (Reply #3)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 10:38 AM

15. Better idea might be for men to quit being such creeps

Good grief, talk about blaming the victim. Own this men, and fix it.

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Response to camartinwv (Reply #15)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:32 AM

36. My God, I was making a helpful suggestion and you say I am victim blaming.

Perhaps JPR is a better place for you

I have had it being falsely accused of something.

My comments were applicable to anyone


It is generally NOT good advice to to have strangers come to your house.

I don't do it, but in your great wisdom you say that I am trashing the victim

Which is a falsehood





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Response to still_one (Reply #36)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:29 PM

130. I hope you're still around. Check out how the thread has progressed.

This did NOT happen to the OP.

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Response to still_one (Reply #36)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:31 PM

131. she was not asking for advice, however helpful you think you were being.

and, no matter your intentions, giving that kind of unsolicited, and UNNEEDED, advice, comes off sounding condescending at the very least.

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Response to camartinwv (Reply #15)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 10:19 PM

173. Welcome to DU, camartinwv.

THANK YOU. Mind if I quote you? OWN THIS, men! And FIX it! DAMMIT!

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Response to still_one (Reply #3)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:06 AM

23. No need to say it, indeed.

She should stay inside all day and pretend she's not there. She should also not go outside for any reason. Groceries, who needs 'em?

She should...
She should...
She should...
She should...

Or maybe YOU should realize that women have a right to lead their lives how they see fit. Sometimes no matter how good the intentions and precautions, bad things slip through. But more often than not, things work out ok.

Any advice for women without husbands?

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Response to Merlot (Reply #23)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:47 AM

43. It is advice I do myself. But that's fine. I have been accussed of "victimizing" the OP, which is

LIE, and was just giving precautions that I do myself


but I will make everyone happy here. As a long time member, lifetime Democrat, pro-choice, pro-labor, pro-gayrights, etc. etc. etc as though I have to justify myself
I am outta here.


Wish you all well, and yeah I hope the door hits my ass on the way out


Thanks again


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Response to still_one (Reply #43)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:58 AM

51. People love the excuse to gang up.

You didnít say anything wrong.

I never understand when people try to tell others how to post on a discussion board. Smh.

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Response to cwydro (Reply #51)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:01 PM

52. Thanks cwydro. I need a break from here, and everything else going on right now anyway

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Response to still_one (Reply #52)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:13 PM

60. come back very soon

59.000 posts are an investment. We need all hands.

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Response to still_one (Reply #52)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:57 PM

81. I hear you. Just take a break if you need to.

Youíve been here awhile, and your voice is valuable.

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Response to still_one (Reply #43)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:11 PM

56. Don't leave

Youíve been here a long time, so surely youíve been through the ups and downs of this place.

Itís perfectly OK to get pissed off at the people who are ready to stereotype and broadbrush everyone, but donít let them drive you away. I hope you get this message and reconsider.

This is a really touchy subject and itís really hard to know how to say things without sounding like youíre blaming the victim, but the fact is that what many men say is good advice. Itís certainly what women who have found themselves in these terrifying situations figure out to do or not do after the fact.

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Response to Merlot (Reply #23)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 06:27 PM

161. You have a perfect right to take whatever risks the real world puts in your path

and pay the price. Don't listen to those scurrilous, condescending wiseacres, who would probably even advise their prepubertal kids not to hitch-hike or wear a tee-shirt with a lewd message on it. You have a perfect right to be safe no matter what the reality, and don't let anyone tell you different!

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Response to still_one (Reply #3)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:50 AM

45. If there was no need to say it, WHY SAY IT?

WHY THE FUCK BLAME THE VICTIM for not taking more precautions?





Your post makes me want to vomit.


Is that all you got out of the OP? That you should pop into this thread to finger wag?

No comment that it is insane that women should have to live this way. No comment that we need to track down, shame and incarcerate these pervs. No, not you. You had to pile on the WOMAN and suggest she isn't living in this insanity with enough GUSTO. You suggest she needs to be even MORE cowed and cautious, otherwise it's women's own damn fault when they get raped, amiright?



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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #45)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:57 AM

50. This is my last post here, and I am gone. I was giving advice that I give for myself, but instead

people are accusing me of "victimizing", which is not what I was doing

I well self-delete the post, and then I am out of here


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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 10:19 AM

4. That must have been tough to write.

Just a FYI, though, there are plenty of men who can't turn fear to strength. It doesn't make you a lesser person, it makes you human. For what it's worth.

As for the scumbag who came into your home to disgust and terrorize you, there is no fire hot enough for him.

-- Mal

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 10:21 AM

5. You did nothing at all to bring this on yourself. We're in a new normal and you ...

almost got over taken by a predator in a situation that twenty years ago would not have been threatening.

Don't trust every man. We men are in a new normal too: I do not expect to be trusted at face value and I have absolutely no problem with that. We got here because of men.

I don't know how we get to reset it, but that lack of trust is here and its here for good reason.

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Response to marble falls (Reply #5)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 10:56 AM

20. I don't think I understand your post?

Nothing about this situation is new. This has been the way women have always lived.

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Response to TeapotInATempest (Reply #20)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:08 AM

25. The difference is it went from patriarchal (not good but reparable) to depredation ...

Inappropriate is one thing, assault, rape, murder are others things all together. I think the violence against women has been increasing, don't you?

It was not that long ago meter readers came into houses with only a knock to go into basements to read meters. They'd knock, yell, "Meter reader!" and go down stairs, doors were not locked back then.

There's a famous Reader's Digest joke about it:

A house wife washing clothes in her robe and curlers decided to put the robe in the wash, too, and stood there clinking her curlers on the heater duct - so she put her son's football helmit on and went on with the wash in underwear and helmet. From behind her came the voice of the meter reader: "I don't know what team you're on, lady, but I sure hope you win."

These are not those days. Maybe its good in some ways they're gone even if there had been no crime involved, too. But the biggest, most of the reason they're gone is men abused the times and situations to predate on women.

Its one thing to be catcalled on the streets (still an assaultive behavior) but being murdered in one's own home over misogynistic gender dynamics is quite another.

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Response to marble falls (Reply #25)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:17 AM

30. As a woman, no, I don't think it's increasing.

I think more women are talking about it now, that's all. I can see how it would seem that way to men who haven't heard these stories before, though.

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Response to marble falls (Reply #25)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:18 AM

32. Violence isn't increasing, women are speaking up more

Before the internet, how would you have heard this story? A letter to the editor with this content would never have been printed. Since no actual crime occured, it woudln't have made the headlines.

But that doesn't mean it didn't happen a million other times in a million other places.

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Response to Merlot (Reply #32)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:19 PM

96. I agree. Just like hearing about missing kids. We know instantly a child missing 1000 miles away.

 

When I grew up in the 70s, we never heard of anything outside of the local viewing area.

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Response to marble falls (Reply #25)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:11 PM

87. No, it's always been this bad, women are talking about it a lot more than they used to. nt

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Response to marble falls (Reply #5)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:09 AM

26. This isn't a "new normal" and has nothing to do with politics

This has been going on since the begining of time. The only difference now is that women talk about it on the internet, something that couldn't have happened in previous eras.

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Response to marble falls (Reply #5)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:23 PM

100. I'm a 61 year old female.....

there is nothing new about men treating women like sex objects. Similar scenarios as described have happened to me numerous times throughout my lifetime.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 10:24 AM

7. Wow what a nightmare

Thank you for sharing we can all, men and women, learn lessons from stories like this about guys that act like assholes and what to do in those situations. Please don't be ashamed for giving someone the benefit of the doubt or for feeling scared when they took advantage.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 10:29 AM

9. Sending you my support, jodymarie...

This is an outrage.

There are no words.

Gratitude to you for sharing it.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 10:31 AM

10. I believe you...n/t

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 10:33 AM

11. Thanks for telling your story..

Old white guy here, raised to protect those smaller than me. The women in my life have been affected by the threats, words and actions of these scum. These scum that is, who have now been encouraged and enabled by the trash in the White House. The pendulum will swing the other way, soon I hope, but regardless, I and the men I associate will do whatever's necessary to protect those in our little corner of the world. And we have done so.

Thanks for posting; your courage, and that shown by Dr. Ford and so many others, provides hope and a wonderful example to others who may not have spoken out yet.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 10:34 AM

12. You were conned.

Stick with you own guidelines, no exceptions.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 10:35 AM

14. Tough times our DU'er

If you haven't read the gift of fear by Gavin DeBecker, you should. All women should.

I worked 911 for 8 years. I'm aware on how something so light in life, can turn on a dime.

Do you like doggies? Even those tiny yappa ones? Something to consider.

If you have any questions, on security issues that you would like addressed in private. I'm here.

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Response to Corgigal (Reply #14)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 10:55 AM

19. Great idea.

Dogs are a wonderful deterrent.

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Response to Corgigal (Reply #14)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:25 PM

68. You all know this post and it's story are NOT something that happened to the DUer who posted it.

Right?

At the top of the OP is the citation of where it came from. It is from a Twitter post by SaraSuze @tragedythyme

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Response to Liberal In Texas (Reply #68)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:14 PM

90. THANK YOU. nt

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Response to Liberal In Texas (Reply #68)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:20 PM

97. You're wasting posts.

I tried pointing it out at about reply #7, but, by then it had already snowballed.

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Response to Hugin (Reply #97)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:08 PM

118. This thread is going to be epic.

I missed it too until DUer cwydro pointed it out to me.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #118)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:12 PM

119. And I only learned it by rereading the thread and saw the DUers who caught it.

Meanwhile, another poster was attacked for simply commenting.

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Response to cwydro (Reply #119)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 08:44 PM

172. Um no, his comments amounted to victim blaming. Kinda like how you attempted to smear the OP.

Then he deleted his comments, as he should have.

Then you go on a tear in the thread pointing out repeatedly how this never happened to the OP and ruminating about how "Funny" it was that she had not engaged in the discussion and how there was a "term" for that.

Turns out she spent the day doing something much more constructive than any of us. AND, what actually happened to her was much worse than described in the OP.

Are you going to apologize to jodymarie aimee?

https://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1002&pid=11261205

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #118)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 03:14 PM

145. "Epic"? Why are you trying to shit on this thread?

The point of this thread, which you obviously missed, is the ridiculous, humiliating, debilitating lengths women must go through on a daily basis to avoid being sexually assaulted.

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Response to Liberal In Texas (Reply #68)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 03:15 PM

146. Opps,

Thanks for the info. Don't use Twitter much.

However, it's still a scary story and be careful out there DU'ers.

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Response to Corgigal (Reply #146)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 03:47 PM

153. Yes, it is a scary story, but it happens every day to women.

No matter how "careful" we are, it happens.

Here's the twitter link if you want to comment directly:


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Response to Liberal In Texas (Reply #68)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 05:45 PM

157. Just out of curiosity...

... how do you know that the two accounts aren't the same person? I use different aliases on different boards.

-- Mal

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Response to Corgigal (Reply #14)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 10:55 PM

175. EXCELLENT SUGGESTION !!!!!

After a particularly-disturbing event in my life, I read this book. It opened my eyes to take in things I have always dismissed as being borderline-paranoid. I instantly saw myself and my intuitions in a very different light. And I found strength in his book, not weakness in my thoughts.


One point that DeBecker makes is this - and I urge everyone to take it to heart - Fear gets a bad rap.


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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 10:53 AM

17. Listen

You did turn your fear to strength. You moved a dryer up the stairs BY YOURSELF to get to safety. You got past him and to the phone. You also proved to that asshole that you were pretty damn strong. So, while he was stupid enough to come back while he was drunk, Iím fairly certain he isnít so stupid while sober.

Iím sorry you went through this, just please donít let him change the way you feel about yourself.

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Response to cate94 (Reply #17)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 10:57 AM

21. Hear, hear.

She did a great job getting out of a bad situation.

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Response to cate94 (Reply #17)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:30 PM

71. yes - she used the best weapon

her brain.

This just burns me like a redhot rage - as a male (#not-a-rapist) I cannot understand the profound rot and weakness in these guys.
They make me want to vomit.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 10:55 AM

18. Remember the old adage: Go with your first mind? Your instincts were correct...

to only allow someone in your home while your husband was there. Just stick with what is right for you. Another buyer will come along.

I am a man and I put music CDs on craigslist to sell. A guy called and wanted to come see them. We agreed on the time but he kept calling for directions on his way. After the 4th call for directions he said he was at a phone booth as he didn't have a cell phone.

After that little tidbit of info my first mind was the sale was off for me as if he couldn't afford a cell phone how the hell was he going to pay for my hundreds of CDs? My immediate thought was this guy, whoever he was, just wanted to get in my house for no good.

I had already given him my address but I decided no way was I going to let him in. I didn't. I did get a call from my neighbor saying there was a guy at my outer gate who asked her to call me. I explained to her what was up and that I did trust him. The guy eventually left.

When suspicions are up, follow your first mind.

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Response to brush (Reply #18)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:40 AM

41. He probably wanted to "case the joint"

Even hiring people you take a chance.
Scary times.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:03 AM

22. What a terrible feeling, that moment where you realize the danger you're in.

I know it well, unfortunately.

Hugs to you and stay strong - we all have to remember that movies aren't realistic and that behaving the way movie heroines do could very well escalate a dangerous situation and make the outcome much, much worse. Instead, we've developed survival skills that might not be exciting, but they are effective.

Stay safe, please.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:07 AM

24. I am glad you did not have a worse outcome. That being said, it was a sexual assault.

This guy used the weight of the dryer to threaten you and then verbally abused you.
Don't be hard on yourself at all about not being the person you thought you would be during a threat to your physical safety. Even people who have a lot of training are surprised. We all have such a well of denial and superstition about what we will do/feel if we are raped/assaulted, etc.. People who tell you that should have done this or that are people who have never experienced a threat under your circumstances. It's like snapping your fingers to keep the tigers away. It's called denial, and we all have it until we don't, and then it is usually PTSD if the stress/trauma is severe enough. The human brain likes to believe it has a rational for not being at risk, which is a false narrative. As a rape survivor I felt culpable because I did not avoid being raped, and I had all these judgments, none of them positive. I realized that the lies we absorb and internalize are one of the biggest obstacles to overcome when we are coping with assault. One of the most radical is the difference from what we identified/believed about ourselves, our place in our community/family, and how we see ourselves after.We just don't realize how insidious and destructive internalized lies can be until the denial crumbles and we realize that safety is relative to the moment. Different reality. And it will take some time, and healing to get your feet under you in this new dimension. It is just like the old one, only without the denial.
It does not help that family members/loved ones still harbor denial that if you had just done XYZ, it would have been better. Forgive them. They just don't understand the denial mechanism and that such thinking is a false security against being at risk.
I sometimes get flack because of my insistence on safety precautions when we are at home and work areas. Too bad. My body, my risk. And if people can't understand that then they are in denial. Men get attacked too.
I hope the police take this seriously because this guy sounds like a real creepy abusive perp. And I will bet he has tried that before. Kudos to you for making it through such an awful experience. That took guts.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:11 AM

27. "...those women who could turn fear to strength. I'm not one..."

I want to contradict you there. You managed to get out of that dodgy situation intact. The emotions and fear you're feeling now are the result of a minor PTSD attack. This was traumatic for you psychologically. And it should have been. This man's intent was made clear more after the fact than while you found yourself immediately in the moment. His subsequent attempts to reenter your home have proved beyond any reasonable doubt that he had ill intent from the beginning.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:11 AM

28. I totally understand the sizing up, doing the figuring in your head, holding your breath

And crossing your fingers.

It enrages me that scumbag men need to feel big and they use women to do it. Iím fantasizing how Iíd have a big ol pipe wrench in my hand, asking that creep, ďwhat was that again, sonny boy??Ē I think a lot of us women have these awesome power fantasies...But really I donít know what Iíd do. Especially on the wrong side of a washing machine.

Utter POS, and Iím sorry it happened to you. Glad he didnít go any farther against you!

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:12 AM

29. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Millions of women live alone and often have to rely on men to do repairs or work during the day when theyíre alone. While this situation can hapoen to anyone, you tried to have your husband be available at the time. Singles, widows, and divorced women do not have this option and their male friends may not often be available when needed. What I would like to see is a service paid for by local taxes that allows women to have an off-duty cop to be in their homes when they need to schedule this type of transaction. Iím not talking about regular business transactions where you have work done by a licensed business that screens its employees. But when you need to sell something on a site like Craigslist or Letgo or any other site like this, it would be comforting to be able to have potential buyers see a cop in your home. Many women donate items to charities when they actually could use the money from selling them because of safety concerns. If a local police force is too small to provide this service, then perhaps they could screen a few interested men who are safe and wouldnít mind having a bit of extra money.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:17 AM

31. I am so sorry for what happened to you. (Also, pink tax)

It's a terrible thing to be made to feel like that, and it is another pink tax upon us. Why? Because we take a risk for selling big items online. I had a washing machine to get rid of, and I didn't want it in a landfill. I wanted to sell it for $75, but didn't want strangers in my home. By calling an appliance repairman and offering it for free, I was able to get rid of it. I doubted he would pay me for it without checking it out completely in my home.

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Response to Ilsa (Reply #31)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:27 AM

34. Yeah, the pink tax.

Like how women pay more for upper story apartments because they won't live on the ground floor. Or how many networking opportunities we don't engage in because they might not be safe. And on top of it, we still make less money. And some men STILL like to mansplain to us what we should have done differently when something bad happens.

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Response to TeapotInATempest (Reply #34)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:55 AM

48. Exactly. nt

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:20 AM

33. Your story terrifies me and I am a man with a wife and 2 daughters and 2 sons. I told the story

of Ted Bundy to my daughters. How an attractive man would use crutches and slings to pray on womens better nature. How he would put his arm in a sling at the grocery store parking lot and fumble to get his groceries in the car asking unsuspecting and trusting young women for help. He would then kidnap and well we all know the horrible things he did to his victims. Women must assume the worst of all men when they are alone or are in vulnerable situations. Yes the vast majority of men are good and harmless, but there are male predators out there and unfortunately you must be on guard at all times. It is a sad but women are really never safe and your story is a great remainder to others of what not to do. I will share your story with my daughters and wife. Thank you for telling it, you may have saved lives.

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Response to Pepsidog (Reply #33)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:16 PM

93. When my kids were small

I watched a very informative show. People that prey on kids/women are often referred to as monsters. When a well dressed male approaches them with whatever excuse they give to get the victim close enough to grab and abduct they don't run or walk away. That is what they rely on to victimize.


From that day forward I vowed I would teach my kids that "bad people" do not look like the villains they see on TV. They look like everyday normal people.

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Response to mercuryblues (Reply #93)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 03:27 PM

149. Very good advice

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:27 AM

35. JFC! So glad that weren't hurt

I hope the cops stay on his tail--this is NOT the first time he's done this. Your story needs to be heard more widely.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:34 AM

37. What did your husband do/say when you looked out the window and said it was the guy?

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:34 AM

38. I'm glad you didn't get physically hurt and I'm sorry for the psychological trauma you went through.

I'm trying to give away a table and chairs on Letgo right now, but I'm doing it out of the warehouse where I work and this is just because of what you just went through. I've sold things on Craig's list as well, but I only do that sort of thing from where I work. I don't want any of these creeps stopping by and messing with my wife. I do have a couple of big dogs at home, but I don't want any of them having to put up with this sort of crap either. I remember years ago right after my wife and I got married. We had two old clunkers that we were driving around. She called me at midnight one night and said the minivan had broken down on the side of the road. I started to go get my keys and head out to pick her up, when it hit me like a ton of bricks...OMG, my wife is broken down on the side of the road! I high tailed it over to where she was as fast as I could. As a young guy I had broken down all over the place and never really thought much about it. No one really ever messed with me. Anyway, the very next day I went out and bought a new car. We really couldn't afford it at the time, but I didn't care. I would pay all the money in the world to keep my wife out of harm's way! There are so many creepy guys out there. You just can't trust anyone anymore. Not even if they happen to be sitting on the Supreme Court.

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Response to iscooterliberally (Reply #38)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:38 AM

40. I always put things on the drive way so they don't even have to meet me.

Small female here and hubby gets home late from work.
Usually I give stuff away for free, but if I wanted payment I'd do it over the phone with a credit card.

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Response to onlyadream (Reply #40)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:49 AM

44. I do that sometimes too, but it has been raining a lot where I live.

That's a great idea though! I've had to learn a lot about what women go through over the years. I used to work in bars, playing in bands, or running sound for other bands. I never realized how women have to keep their eyes on their drinks until someone spiked my wife's drink. I was playing in the band and she only had one drink. She got so sick when I got her home. I thought maybe she had a few too many as I wasn't watching what she was drinking. I didn't even know until she told me the next day. Had I known I would have taken her straight to the hospital. Whatever they put in her drink she got over though. She just had a bad hangover.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:36 AM

39. Wow, I really saw myself in you.

Many times.
And, the strange thing is that I never thought that I should get mad about it and enraged, until recently. It was so baked into my life that I just accept it as the way things are.
Living with fear isn't easy, and I'm the "freeze in the face of terror" kind also (although I have those fantasies where I whoop ass).
I did arm myself with pepper spray recently, and I suggest you do that too. It's a small thing, but I definitely feel better carrying it.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:44 AM

42. Precautions men & women take to avoid being the victim of a violent crime is similar

While there are variations between the sexes in being victims in certain types of violent crime, such as women are far more likely to be a victim of sexually assault while men are far more likely to be a victim of murder, overall, the number of men who are victims of all types of violent crime in any given year is similar to the number of women who are victim of violent crime in those same years.

https://www.statista.com/statistics/423245/us-violent-crime-victims-by-gender/

While I'm a tall male, I have a gun and a CPL from the state. I'm taking steps to make the master bedroom and master bathroom into safe rooms. I'm not doing this for shits and giggles.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #42)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:54 AM

47. Holy crap, do you live in a bad neighborhood or something?

That seems a scary way to live.

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Response to cwydro (Reply #47)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:12 PM

59. Taking steps to reduce to chances of being a victim reduces fear of being one.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #59)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:00 PM

83. I'm just curious as to why you have that much fear.

Iím a small woman who lives alone on a pretty large piece of land.

No safe room lol.

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Response to cwydro (Reply #83)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:19 PM

94. Why did you think I have much fear?

When out at night, I park at well lit areas. No fear of someone hiding in nearby shadows. I lock the doors at night so no fear of someone just walking in without making considerable noise. At home, I park the car in a well lit area of the driveway, lock it and keep the keys in the office so there is little fear of someone stealing it. When the little grandkids stay over, we occasionally practice fire drills so there is little fear that they will know what to do if there ever is a real fire. I keep several days of food and water on hand so there is no fear of wondering what to drink or eat when a bad ass blizzard rolls in and shuts down the roads and knock out the electricity.

Being prepared is not living in fear. It lessens fear.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #42)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:07 PM

54. Some statistics you forgot to mention...

https://ucr.fbi.gov/crime-in-the-u.s/2012/crime-in-the-u.s.-2012/tables/42tabledatadecoverviewpdf/table_42_arrests_by_sex_2012.xls

Murder and nonnegligent manslaughter 88.7% committed by men

Forcible rape 99.1% committed by men

Robbery 87.0% committed by men

Aggravated assault 77.1% committed by men

Sex offenses (except forcible rape and prostitution) 92.2% committed by men

Mass shootings 96% committed by men

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Response to -Steph- (Reply #54)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:11 PM

57. You also forgot to mention of race of the men? Why?

Seriously though, what does either have to do with the sex of the victims?

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #57)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:25 PM

67. Your post implied women and men are equally the victims of violent crime. They're not.

You claim the only difference is that women tend to be sexually assaulted while men tend to be murdered.

But there is simply not the same level of culpability. As the stats on crime show, men are the vast majority of the perpetrators of violent crime, and women (and other men) are their victims.

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #67)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:49 PM

76. I didn't imply it. I provided a link that backs up what I said.

Can you provide a link to any site that states that the number of women who are victims of violent crime is much greater then the number of men who are victims of such or vice versa? I don't think you'll be able to.

And as men commit most of the crimes, don't you think that both men and women ought to take similar steps to avoid being victims of violent crime?

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #76)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:14 PM

91. Similar steps like you? Getting a gun?

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #91)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:26 PM

101. If a person thinks that good choice for them.

Some may get pepper spray or a tazer. Some folks take martial arts classes.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #101)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:27 PM

102. Oy. nt

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #101)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 04:00 PM

155. Some have dogs.

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Response to roody (Reply #155)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 08:32 PM

171. Dogs are actually good for you, unlike guns. nt

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Response to -Steph- (Reply #54)

Wed Oct 10, 2018, 12:09 AM

180. He also forgot to mention how many assaults against women go unreported.

The ones that are reported are just the tip of the iceberg, and that has been shown. Has 1 in 3 or 4 men been sexually abused? Who gets sexually harassed at work? Who is the most dangerous to a pregnant woman? The idea that men and women are victimized equally is simply not true.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #42)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:12 PM

58. Bringing guns into a home does NOT make a woman safer!


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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #58)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:15 PM

61. Where did I suggest women get a gun for protection?

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #61)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:26 PM

70. Your brag about what "precautions" you do, Kaleva.

While I'm a tall male, I have a gun and a CPL from the state.†

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #70)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:50 PM

78. Again I ask, where did I suggest women get a gun?

Please provide a link to any such post I made anywhere here in DU at any time.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #78)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:54 PM

79. Why bring up guns in your list of "precautions" post? Why even go there?

How is that an appropriate response to the OP?

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #79)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:05 PM

85. Because that's what I do. Why would you want me to lie and say something different?

At no point in this thread did I lecture the OP on what she should have done or what she should do. Nor did i do such a thing to anyone else. I only stated what I did and am doing.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #85)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:30 PM

103. And how the fuck is that helpful?

Having a gun in the house is dangerous for women and is not responsive to the OP, so why the fuck could you not restrain yourself from talking about your GOD DAMNED GUN?

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #103)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:38 PM

105. Your'e the one that keeps bringing it up.

I said it once but you keep on going on about it. Looking at this thread, I'm hard pressed to find a post of yours that's responsive to the OP.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #105)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:47 PM

108. You're not looking very hard.

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #108)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:01 PM

114. The OP just cut and paste something written by SaraSuze @tragedythyme

The events described did not happen to the OP herself.

https://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1002&pid=11259363

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #114)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:04 PM

116. It happened to someone. Hence my response. Way to miss the point.

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #116)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:06 PM

117. You said this to the OP "Thank you for sharing your harrowing ecperience with that perv."

The OP did not have that experience.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #117)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:13 PM

120. Several people commented that way, even using the OP's name.

I think the OP could have been a wee bit more forthcoming.

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Response to cwydro (Reply #120)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:26 PM

127. I'm not going to complain about the OP as the name of the author is in the very 1st line!

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #127)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:33 PM

133. Very true. But she's not responded to any of the questions or expressions of concern.

The link was not obvious (imo, and obviously many missed it.)

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Response to cwydro (Reply #133)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:36 PM

135. I've known the OP for a couple of years and I don't think she meant for us to make this mistake.

The actual author could have been made more clear but I'm not going to use that as an excuse for not carefully reading it.

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Response to cwydro (Reply #133)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 07:21 PM

165. I WAS A RAPE VICTIM 4 SEPARATE TIMES BY 4 DIFFERENT MEN..my story....

 

I WAS A RAPE VICTIM 4 SEPARATE TIMES BY 4 DIFFERENT MEN..my story....

I posted an OP early this morning. It was powerful to me and I wanted to share it. Clearly giving the author in the first line. Then I went to DEM HQ to work 2 shifts. I came home and checked in on DU and found that DU was receptive to this story. However, some mistakenly thought I was the lady with the dryer. I don't usually comment on comments. Nor do I live on blogs...I do have a life and that life now is canvassing and working at DEM HQ. I post the OP and that is that. However my pal alerted me to the fact that some posters were spitting and spatting that I was some kind of charlatan. I would like to share the letter I published in our local paper the day before the HEARINGS. MY story with MY name on it. I am no stranger to these issues...Jody Marie Aimee Hurrish. In solidarity with all the wonderful people on DU.



I WAS A RAPE VICTIM 4 SEPARATE TIMES BY 4 DIFFERENT MEN

Between 1969 and 1971, I was a rape victim four separate times by four different men. I knew only one of them tangentally as a roadie for a local band. I would have never told anyone, least of all my parents. They would have yelled at ME. I have a photographic memory, but I could not tell you today the address of the house, the color of the room, the name of the guy, what I may or may not have ingested, etc.

So none of this is off kilter, you tend to block bad events. Rico Suave Trump was nuts when he tweeted Professor Ford's "loving parents should have reported their daughter's assault to the FBI 35 years ago". Thereby, discounting it.

I want nobody's sympathy, trigger schmigger...It is almost 50 years ago. I am only telling you facts. You didn't tell the cops, your Mom and Dad, and since Patty Hearst didn't live in our house, we didn't have the FBI's phone number on our fridge.

I wrote a letter about it eight years ago for a local paper, the first time I told anyone. The editor said I was brave. No, I was honest. It was time, it was a letter regarding womens' rights, and I had something to contribute. Consider this contribution #2.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #117)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:14 PM

121. OFFS. SO WHAT, Kaleva? I am talking to the person in the piece.

Last edited Tue Oct 9, 2018, 09:51 PM - Edit history (3)

The point I made applied REGARDLESS of whether the DUer was the author or not:
People need to understand the Hell of justified fear women are forced to live with every day, and how insane it is that we accept this reality.
https://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1002&pid=11259250

You, on the other hand, responded by bragging about your concealed carry gun and safe rooms, and how you're a "tall man."

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #121)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:18 PM

122. Why so hostile to this poster? I asked him questions to, but you seem to have a problem with his

choices, which are entirely his business.

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Response to cwydro (Reply #122)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:22 PM

124. Why are YOU so hostile to ME? Why do you feel compelled to defend him?

I think I am quite clear about why I disagree with him.

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #124)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:25 PM

126. I only asked you a question. Where do you see hostility?

Iím not defending him; I donít think he needs defending. Just curious at your reaction.

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Response to cwydro (Reply #126)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:42 PM

136. You are all over this thread shitting on the OP with "lol's" - suggesting it is suspect.

So what if the OP is not engaging with posters in this thread. Did it ever occur to you that this is a difficult subject for survivirs to engage with people about?

I don't see any reason for your laughter. I don't find humor in this discussion of attempted sexual assault. Nor am I impressed by people who do.

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #136)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 03:23 PM

147. The OP was not the survivor referenced in the original post.

I would think if she posted something here, she intended discussion.

There used to be a term for OPs that were posted with no further input by the original poster.

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Response to cwydro (Reply #147)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 03:29 PM

150. That doesn't make the OP's content, or the thread discussion, any less valid.

The point of this thread is the ridiculous, humiliating, debilitating lengths women must go through on a daily basis to avoid being sexually assaulted.†

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Response to cwydro (Reply #147)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 08:08 PM

170. Please read this and tell me the "term" you're thinking of, cwydro:

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #121)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:24 PM

125. Just how does one here talk to another who isn't even a member of DU?

You were commiserating with the OP because you thought the event happened to her.

Your comment:
"Thank you for sharing your harrowing ecperience with that perv."

How do you thank someone who isn't here?

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #125)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:26 PM

129. Lol, thank you.

And OP has disappeared from the thread.

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Response to cwydro (Reply #129)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:35 PM

134. The OP is not required to engage. Do you have a problem with the OP content?

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #125)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:32 PM

132. Every DUer is anonymous. So what? We "correspond" to lots of folks not here.

For example, we make statements to politicians all the time, good and bad. Because this is a site viewable by the public, and anyone, including the object of our comment, can see it.

Like when all these DUers said encouraging things to Mazie Hirono in this thread: https://www.democraticunderground.com/100211254368


Why are you working so hard to distract from the point of the OP?

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #132)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:56 PM

138. I don't see any post in that thread saying something like "I'm so sorry to hear you have cancer!"

I see words like:

" I saw a clip of her speaking ever so softly"

" OMG....praying for her."

"Sending healing thoughts and prayers to Mazie"

"You're lucky to have her as your Senator, Cha."

"Hat's off to you Mazie!!"

" I really admire Senator Hirono"

"She is a powerful voice and a powerful spirit"

"She is one of my favorite Senators."

"She is a patriot"

Notice the difference in how all those people wrote their posts and the way you did? Now let's change the above to make it like your post.

" I saw a clip of you speaking ever so softly"

" OMG....praying for you."

"Sending healing thoughts and prayers to you"

"You're lucky to have the OP as your Senator, Cha."

"Hat's off to you!!"

" I really admire you"

"You are a powerful voice and a powerful spirit"

"Your are one of my favorite Senators."

"You are a patriot"

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #138)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 03:01 PM

140. They are speaking directly to Mazie, THAT IS THE POINT.

You are just wasting my time now. And distracting from the point of the OP.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #85)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:46 PM

106. It didn't even happen to the OP lol.

See post 68. I missed it too.

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Response to cwydro (Reply #106)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:59 PM

112. I did miss that! But my point in my first post remains the same.

That both men and women are victims of violent crime in large numbers and that both sexes take about the same precautions in an effort to avoid being a victim.

From the OP:

"A quick reminder for men: Common events for you can turn into really scary situations for women in a snap."

Why do men need to be reminded of this as the same thing, a common event that turns into a scary situation in a snap, can happen to us men to.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #112)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:22 PM

123. Interestingly, I don't think the OP has responded to a single comment.

Funny, that.

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Response to cwydro (Reply #123)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:50 PM

137. "Funny, that." You REALLY think this is funny?

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #137)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 03:26 PM

148. "Funny" has many meanings in our wonderful language.

I suspect you know that.

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Response to cwydro (Reply #148)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 03:31 PM

151. I am not surprised by your evasive response. nt

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #137)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 06:57 PM

163. I WAS A RAPE VICTIM 4 SEPARATE TIMES BY 4 DIFFERENT MEN..my story....

 

I posted an OP early this morning. It was powerful to me and I wanted to share it. Clearly giving the author in the first line. Then I went to DEM HQ to work 2 shifts. I came home and checked in on DU and found that DU was receptive to this story. However, some mistakenly thought I was the lady with the dryer. I don't usually comment on comments. Nor do I live on blogs...I do have a life and that life now is canvassing and working at DEM HQ. I post the OP and that is that. However my pal alerted me to the fact that some posters were spitting and spatting that I was some kind of charlatan. I would like to share the letter I published in our local paper the day before the HEARINGS. MY story with MY name on it. I am no stranger to these issues...Jody Marie Aimee Hurrish. In solidarity with all the wonderful people on DU.



I WAS A RAPE VICTIM 4 SEPARATE TIMES BY 4 DIFFERENT MEN

Between 1969 and 1971, I was a rape victim four separate times by four different men. I knew only one of them tangentally as a roadie for a local band. I would have never told anyone, least of all my parents. They would have yelled at ME. I have a photographic memory, but I could not tell you today the address of the house, the color of the room, the name of the guy, what I may or may not have ingested, etc.

So none of this is off kilter, you tend to block bad events. Rico Suave Trump was nuts when he tweeted Professor Ford's "loving parents should have reported their daughter's assault to the FBI 35 years ago". Thereby, discounting it.

I want nobody's sympathy, trigger schmigger...It is almost 50 years ago. I am only telling you facts. You didn't tell the cops, your Mom and Dad, and since Patty Hearst didn't live in our house, we didn't have the FBI's phone number on our fridge.

I wrote a letter about it eight years ago for a local paper, the first time I told anyone. The editor said I was brave. No, I was honest. It was time, it was a letter regarding womens' rights, and I had something to contribute. Consider this contribution #2.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Reply #163)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 07:59 PM

166. Thank you for posting that, jodymarie aimee.

A couple posters here owe you an apology.

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Response to cwydro (Reply #106)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:56 PM

139. Even if it didn't happen to the OP, it happens to millions of women.

The fear, the humiliation, the curtailment of a woman's life by fear of sexual assault is pervasive. Why are you so intent on distracting from the point of the OP?

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:52 AM

46. And trump apologizes to Kavanaugh for the hearings. Motherfucker.

Thank you so much for detailing your thoughts and actions with regard to those circumstances. Genuinely valuable.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:56 AM

49. Glad you're okay. You have his phone number, right?

I'm SO glad that you're okay; I felt sick and scared just reading about what happened.

If you texted him you have his number, right? Did the police ask for it? Just in case.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:02 PM

53. Thank you for sharing.

Last edited Tue Oct 9, 2018, 03:56 PM - Edit history (1)

People need to understand the Hell of justified fear women are forced to live with every day, and how insane it is that we accept this reality.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:11 PM

55. I am so sorry for your experience

That is monstrous and makes me sick...some 'men' are nothing more than sick animals. I am truly sorry you hD to cross paths with one.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:16 PM

62. I'm sorry this happened to you

There's a level of PTSD that goes along with events like this. As a woman who has experienced many similar events, I know. I live with it every day. And people will say that PTSD is too strong an interpretation, but try being under siege all day every day your entire life. Maybe there should be another term for it. Maybe Constant Harrassment Syndrome (CHS) or something. But we all have it.

To the men reading this, I also understand that there is a "new normal" for you guys as well. I was talking with one of the most evolved, intelligent, caring men in the world recently and he was running through events in his life and asking me if he acted correctly. "I asked a co-worker out for dinner, she declined. I waited a week, asked again, she declined again. I asked again a few weeks later and she said OK. Was that wrong?" I asked him what her status was in the office, if it was at the same level as his? No, he was her manager. "Yes, it was wrong." He had a hard time grasping it because he was kind, gentle and not pushy when he asked. And did this mean he could never ask a coworker out for a friendly drink or meal?

It's confusing times.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:16 PM

63. I am so sorry you went through this.

I think that more men are beginning to understand what we go through as women.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:17 PM

64. So sorry this happened to you

And so sorry you needed to update. Something similar happened to me once, which I never told anyone because I was ashamed. Yeah, I know. WTF?

After I was raped, I vowed no one would ever do that to me again, that I'd fight & die rather than have to live with the aftermath. I *think* I've conditioned myself to go full on berzerker in such a situation, but the every day touches and leers and "I didn't do anything to her" sneers? Not so sure, especially when confined by a major appliance.

Wishing you whatever you need for peace.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:22 PM

65. I needed to see this story today.

Due to my son getting a new truck, we now have a vehicle that needs to be towed away as scrap. I have done this several times in my life (we are the people who drive the old clunkers until they are dead and only good for scrap!). I have been reluctant to call anyone because I do not want to be alone (even outside and with my dog nearby) with a strange man. My husband said "well, son is here" I said that doesn't help, because even though he is a grown man and has lived in other parts of the world, he is my child and I should protect him! Silly thoughts, but there it is.

Sometimes I will see a young man walking on the semi-rural roads where I live and I think I would like to pick them up to help out, but then I remember that is not safe. I did do this a few years ago, but I knew the person somewhat (he used to work at the library).

I think what is going on right now is that yes, women know this stuff happens, but now it feels like there is a sense of "well, it's okay" or "it's not that bad". I blame trump and his ilk for this 100%. We should be evolving AWAY from this, not making it worse.

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Response to logosoco (Reply #65)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:23 PM

99. What are you talking about? It's always been this way. It's just that now women

are talking about it.

I blame trump and his ilk for this 100%. We should be evolving AWAY from this, not making it worse.

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Response to raccoon (Reply #99)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:00 PM

113. yes, and the women I have known most always have talked about it. But now that it is more mainstream

(and the internet has helped with that and the connections between women and their stories.) I think what I mean about how now, like this week especially, there are too many women getting on the "oh, but they will falsely accuse my son,etc". That is what I meant is more out there now. Maybe I just never saw it in my circles and didn't get that it was such a thing before the internet.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:24 PM

66. What a horror. I'm one of those "empowered " females,

am in my 70ís and swear that I am not afraid of anyone or anything, yet this story chilled me to the marrow. WOW

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Response to secondwind (Reply #66)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 03:47 PM

152. Empowered

or not, it is crazy to think that as a woman, even a young, fit woman, you are going to overpower a male, even an older unfit male. Women need to get that out of their heads if they think it. Women need to assume that any male can overpower them and behave accordingly. Empowerment and rage will not win a physical fight.

On the note of the OP, I have some of my fatherís ashes, which I would like to put in a place that was very important to him as a kid. Itís along railroad tracks quite close to civilization, but without foot traffic. Unfortunately, itís frequented at times by a minor type of no-goodnik who like to ride their quads where they canít be seen. So I carry the ashes around in my car trying to figure out how I can get my hands on the right combination of a big snarling dog, a gun and/or a male. Iím even trying to figure if Iím overreacting and maybe I should just go do it. It pisses me off.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:25 PM

69. What an extraordinary story

And you told it so well. It brought to mind the many times I was made to feel uncomfortable alone with a strange man. It seems we are on the defensive so much of the time and don't even realize it.

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Response to PatSeg (Reply #69)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:40 PM

73. +1

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:39 PM

72. Remember, if you have a smart phone with voice command,

you can carry it with you and voice command a call to 911.

You were stuck holding the drier and your hands were tied up. Keep voice command and 911 in your mind.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:40 PM

74. Wow, jodymarie, really glad that you're okay.

It's so disgusting that some perverted creep thinks he has the right to steal your sense of security.

And what is so enraging is that assholes like Trump and McConnell think that because they wear suits to work that they have nothing in common with the creep that did this to you. But they're wrong. They are even lower than that guy because they sometimes have the power to make women feel MORE secure, but they use that power to take away ALL women's sense of safety, not just yours or mine. And then they laugh about it.

It is way past time for assholes like that creep in your house and all of the Republican creeps in government to be punished--imprisoned, all of them together in one place so we can keep an eye on them. They do NOT have the right to steal our sense of security and safety.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:46 PM

75. Please rethink something

First, I want to say you did absolutely nothing wrong. But I know you know that, and I won't bother to go into it further because there is something else I want to address.

You said, "On top of all of that, you also took from me any hope that I would be one of those women who could turn fear to strength. I'm not one. But I would've liked to believe I was, & you took that from me, too. And damn it, fuck you for that, whoever you are."

Did he really? Please don't believe that.

I want to tell you a story of something which happened to me. I really surprised myself. After a couple of days of cramming for a college project deadline, after virtually no sleep for a couple of days, I went home to my parent's house for the weekend. I took the train and arrived sometime before midnight. They were away on a trip and our house was completely empty. It was a twenty minute walk from the train station to the house.

While walking home, I noticed someone following me. He was a ways away, but was closer every time I turned to look. I started getting really nervous. At the rate things were going, I realized if I kept walking, he would reach me just as I was arriving at the front door of our empty house. If I ran, I knew he would run after me. I didn't know what to do. None of the neighbor's lights were on, there was no where to turn for help. I was terrified.

I am not a physically confrontational person. I did not play sports or know how to use my body for strength. I did not feel like I could fight him off if I had to. But it kicked in, the "fight or flight", and I had no choice but to stand up to him. Luckily I had a prop in my hands, a 3 foot long 2 x 4 piece of lumber I brought home to use in my next school project.

Without feeling the panic any more, and without consciously deciding to, my brain switched to "fight". He was about 40 feet behind me now. I turned, faced him square, got a good hold of that lumber in my hand, and waited for him. Sh*t, I'm shaking now writing this. He came right up to me and stopped. We looked at each other square in the eyes, stood there for a few seconds. Finally, just two words came out of my mouth, but they were backed with all the animal in my amygdala brain, quiet, murmuring, even guttural ... "Get lost". He looked at me a bit longer, assessing I guess, weighing the odds, and turned around and walked away.

I will never forget his bloated sweaty greasy face, the look in his eyes.

I went home, terrified, and couldn't sleep that night.

There were other incidents where I felt unsafe, where like you, I withdrew because I though it was the safest way to handle the situation. It is not in my nature to "fight". But I'm telling you this because you responded the way you thought was best for that moment. You made a choice. That does not mean you are a woman who wouldn't be able to defend herself with everything necessary to protect herself or those she loves! I promise, YOU WOULD. You just didn't have to go to that place with what you experienced. You opted for "flight", because that was the better option, not because you aren't a strong woman. Do not let that piece of human garbage make you feel like a victim. You did the right thing.

In solidarity.

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Response to Silver1 (Reply #75)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:50 PM

77. I love this story

thank you for sharing

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 12:54 PM

80. omg..glad you are ok..

This is like my worst fear..

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:00 PM

82. Scary

shit! So sorry it happened.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:00 PM

84. Reminds me of when I have to go to the hospital for something

like a blood draw or a mammogram. The only place to park is in a parking garage. How many women feel safe in one of those things alone? Especially if you have to take an elevator or stairs to get to the ground floor after you park and you're walking through that desolate place all alone. I'll bet you guys don't even think about things like that.

When we first moved into the house we live in, now, I lamented to my husband that there wasn't a sidewalk to go take a walk and that the street was so busy. He suggested I drive out into the country and park my car somewhere on the side of the road and walk there! Can any of you ladies imagine doing that??? Of course I explained to him why there was no way in hell I was ever going to do that! Men just don't think of these things.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:07 PM

86. I am so very sorry that you went through this truly scary experience.



By day I live in terror
By night I live in fright
For as long as I can remember
A lady don't go out alone at night, no no
A lady don't go out alone at night
But I don't accept the verdict
It's a wrong one anyway
‚ÄėCause nowadays a woman
Can't even go out in the middle of the day, safely
Can't go out in the middle of the day
And so we've got to fight back
In large numbers
Fight back, I can't make it alone
Fight back, in large numbers
Together we can make a safe home
Together we can make a safe home
Women all around the world
Every color, religion and age
One thing we’ve got in common
We can all be battered and raped
We can all be battered and raped
Some have an easy answer
They buy a lock and they live in a cage
But my fear is turning to anger
And my anger's turning to rage
And I won't live my life in a cage, no!
By day I live in terror
By night I live in fright
For as long as I can remember
A lady don't go out at night
Fight back

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:12 PM

88. Have felt the same before

thank you for sharing your story. My husband didn't understand my fear until I had to explain it to him, kinda like this post.
Now he looks out for me much closer.

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Response to LittleGirl (Reply #88)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:46 PM

107. So sorry this happened

Sadly, this experience is something a lot of women identify with because (though the details will vary) that sense of fear and absolute vulnerability during these aggressive incidents is something many of us have felt over our lifetimes.

Telling the stories is important, I think. They're important for the teller and for the listener/reader who may be unaware of the common thread or may have their own stories bubble up, things that we too often put away, bury because they're just to difficult to deal with or we think no one will be interested in hearing.

People are listening now, some with a sense of surprise, others with a sense of sisterhood. But people are listening and that's a good thing. For everyone.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:12 PM

89. Here's a virtual hug



I don't know what you could have done differently. That dude was way out of line on many levels.

I'm always more worried about getting robbed by guys who come over to buy stuff rather than anything sexual. Women have more things to worry about than men do and we should be aware of that.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:15 PM

92. My big wish when reading your story was that you were ahead of him on the stairs so you could have

pushed the washer on top of his ugly face and watched him fall down the stairs with it on top of him.

Other than that I am so sorry this happened to you.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:19 PM

95. Thank you for sharing this

It must have been agony to write it all down. I think many men fail to understand how we must calculate these things every day.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:20 PM

98. How awful! I'm sorry that happened to you.

I'll remember it and refer to it if I think about selling something, for sure.

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Response to MineralMan (Reply #98)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:48 PM

109. It didn't happen to the OP. See post 68.

I missed it too because the link is not obvious.

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Response to cwydro (Reply #109)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:49 PM

110. Well, the same goes for whomever it happened to.

Such things happen far too often.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:37 PM

104. As a man, due to my occupation, who has been in many houses alone with women,

I would keep the womanís comfort level as a top priority.
If she needed so many feet of personal space, I would back up and give her more.
If we were in a tight area, I would go in first so that she didnít feel trapped.
I would wait to be invited in, I could see that they needed time to assess me.
I would give them my card, some personal details, and references, so they would be able to check me out or be able to identify me if I turned out to be a bad guy.
I would keep my demeanor passive and accommodating.

If the person at your home is not doing all this then kick them out immediately, Iíve had woman who all of a sudden got nervous and asked me to to come back later when they wonít be alone, and that was fine, I was more concerned with their comfort level.

Again if the person (man) isnít bending over backwards to help you feel safe, if just one red flag pops up, donít let them in, have them come back later, or call the police.

Guys like the one in the op keep pushing boundaries, good guys respect you and your boundaries.


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Response to Canoe52 (Reply #104)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 06:04 PM

159. What a brilliant post. And detailed.

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Response to Canoe52 (Reply #104)

Wed Oct 10, 2018, 03:47 AM

186. Thank you so much

You seem like you deeply understand what women go through, and have to accept, as a matter of course.

That empathy truly means so much. Thank you.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 01:55 PM

111. I almost didn't open this thread. You're bolder than you may give yourself

credit for. I hate that man and men like him because they know to to terrorize women. I am so sorry this happened to you.
Fuck him, hope he drops dead before he goes after another woman.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:02 PM

115. The scary part is how common the story is for women.

I don't allow workmen in the house if I'm alone. Which means things that break have to stay that way until I'm not alone in the house or a woman can do the job. A woman who brings a male assistant isn't allowed in either if I'm alone. Not worth the risk.

One of the primary reasons I got into DIY projects was because of things like this.

I'm instantly on the defense when strange men come up to me. Some of the not exactly strangers also spike my alert meter.

I also use an online "garage sale" platform and will not allow buyers in my home if I will be alone. Even when I'm not alone, they get no closer than my driveway.

Women do a cost-benefit analysis each and everyday even if they don't recognize it as such.

I know men can find that insulting but women really can't afford to worry about that - the dangers to us are too great.

It's not a case of living in fear day in and day out either. It's about managing potential dangers and the sad fact is, men are a primary danger.

You could be a perfectly nice but socially awkward man and one single slightly odd remark will cause us to distance ourselves from you. Might not be fair but then your feelings don't factor into the equation. It's all about our own survival. Our own safety.

I make no apologies for how I have been forced to navigate through life because of a rape culture created by not just rapists, but by sexism/the patriarchy as well.

Sure, it's not all men - but when you consider women are usually attacked by someone they know (be it rape or domestic assault), being an acquaintance, friend or relative isn't exactly a guarantee of a man not being a threat.

We have to worry about men who are strangers as well as the men we know.

How fucked up is that?












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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 02:26 PM

128. I'm embarrassed to be male sometimes.

I have come to realize over the last year or so that sexual harassment and assault are much more common than I thought. In fact, being honest about it - a lot more common than I liked to imagine.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 03:01 PM

141. I have been single most of my adult life, so I have workmen in the house often.

There are rules, of course. I never let in a man whose name I don't know, his company, and we had an appointment. But when I have a termite inspection or repair appointment, it's necessary. I've hired handymen and been alone with them. It's unavoidable. I do have a good sense of danger from men, having been alone with hundreds of different men in my life. I suppose if I'd been married for years, I would not have that built-in stranger danger thing. It's not fool proof, but it's the best I can do.

I also have a gun. I know how to use it. That only helps to a certain extent, since I don't carry it on me.

Most assaults are not committed by total strangers. I felt more threatened on a couple of dates by guys who almost didn't take "no" for an answer than from any handyman I ever had.

I would never let in a stranger looking to buy something I was selling. If I have to give something away on FB or Craig's List, I would put it in my driveway for them to pick up, or meet them somewhere. I would not usually be able to sell something IN my home to a total stranger, even if he brought a woman with him. But I could do certain things to limit the risk, like tell someone the name & phone number of who is coming, then leave the door open while they pick it up.



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Response to Honeycombe8 (Reply #141)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 03:09 PM

143. Pathetic that we have to go to these lengths, isn't it?

And yet Trump says it's a "scary time for young men."

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #143)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 06:56 PM

162. Why haven't you explained to Honeycombe8 how dangerous it is for there to be a gun in the house?

Honeycombe8s comment:

"I also have a gun. I know how to use it. That only helps to a certain extent, since I don't carry it on me. "

https://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1002&pid=11260079

Your comment to me about guns:

"Why bring up guns in your list of "precautions" post? Why even go there?

How is that an appropriate response to the OP?"

https://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1002&pid=11259493

"Similar steps like you? Getting a gun?"

https://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1002&pid=11259611

"Bringing guns into a home does NOT make a woman safer!"

https://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1002&pid=11259290


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Response to Kaleva (Reply #162)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 08:01 PM

167. OFFS. Why haven't you apologized to the OP?

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #167)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 11:47 PM

176. Why? You ought to apologise for distracting from her message.

Post after post of yours here is just attacking others.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #176)

Wed Oct 10, 2018, 12:06 AM

178. I have been supporting her and reinforcing her point, unlike you.

You don't even get her point. You laughed it up about how we're talking to someone who is not here and who this did not happen to. And you popped into this subthread to derail my conversation with honeycombe8 with bullying, off point posts.

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #178)

Wed Oct 10, 2018, 12:15 AM

181. A majority of your posts in this thread are attacking others.

As for your conversation with honeycombe8, I simply reminded you of your posts about how dangerous it is for women when there is a gun in the house after she had told you that she had one.

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #181)

Wed Oct 10, 2018, 12:20 AM

182. Project much?

And don't worry, I dont need you to remind me that guns in the home pose a danger to women.

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #182)

Wed Oct 10, 2018, 12:21 AM

183. Then why didn't you say that to honeycombe8?

Do you not care about her safety and well being?

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Response to Kaleva (Reply #183)

Wed Oct 10, 2018, 12:23 AM

184. Because her post involved a larger point, unlike your posts.

And I addressed that larger point. The point you keep missing.

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Response to Honeycombe8 (Reply #141)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 06:57 PM

164. "Bringing guns into a home does NOT make a woman safer!" "

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 03:04 PM

142. I just really have never thought about what we women do, daily, to try and stay safe

I guess it's just autopilot. It's like looking both ways to cross the street - we just do it, automatically. Not until so many women have begun talking about all of the steps they take in different situations, has it really hit home. And I'm a woman! What we do has never been so glaring as it is right now.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. That kind of violation, not only of your mind and sense of well being, but a violation of your home, your safe place. I'm glad, at least, he didn't physically hurt you as well.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 03:10 PM

144. I'm so sorry this happened to you

And I'm sorry that the response to sharing your story was "you shoulda couldas" from some people, which was completely beside the point.

I suspect ALL women have been in some version of this situation - I know I have. It's terrifying and, moreover, we constantly afterward second-guess ourselves - often while being lectured by others on how you SHOULD have handled it or how THEY would have handled it.

I hope it helps to know that many, many of us understand exactly how you feel and know that you don't need to defend yourself or explain shit to anybody.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 03:56 PM

154. Yes, as a man I didn't realize this until I thought about it later as an adult...

I have always just laced up my running shoes and headed out the door. A woman can't always do that. It took me thinking about that and having female friends to recognize this and the full extent of it.

I hope someday we can live in a society where we all recognize these dangers for women and work to mitigate them. We currently don't...

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 05:38 PM

156. I have always had a dog in my house

When my kids were babies and I lived in the country my husband was gone a lot with his work. I had a Boxer that was very protective. When the kids were young teens I had a Basset/Spaniel mix who was not protective but I than lived in the city with friendly neighbors. I then had two poodles who were lovely dogs but not protective. But by that time I was living with my daughter's family and there was always more than one person home.


I now live with 2 Springers and a Shitzu. No one would enter my home because they all bark and raise holy hell.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 06:02 PM

158. In this very un-ideal world, you must be

prepared to say no, no matter how whiney or suppliant the person you're speaking to. He should have understood your caution, and you should have understood that he should have understood it.

Not that I'm normally a great paragon of thinking on my feet, myself, but in the US, if I were a woman in that situation, a reluctance to hurt his feelings would not have loomed large on my horizon.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 06:25 PM

160. I'm watching my grandkids, so a quick reply

and sorry if someone else already said anything.

Until I was in my late 30s, I just went along. I didn't speak up, and so on. I stayed home with my kids until they were in their teens and then started to work outside the home. I got a job being a chore person for people who qualified. I was called to start helping this old lady who was as mean as dirt. I called the service and told them she and I weren't compatible and they were very kind. The last time I went to her house, to take her a gallon of milk, I told her I wasn't coming back to help her. She had a gun and she was so angry, I was afraid she was going to try to shoot me. When I got home, I cried. I talked to me friend and she said that I wasn't used to asserting myself, and I would have reactions like crying until I got used to it. My friend is a counselor and knows her business.

As time went by, I learned to say no, learned to speak up and by now, 30 years later, I still feel bad, but I can say no. So please don't sell yourself short. You learned a lot of lessons because of this experience. Don't be mean to yourself because you faked the old bastard out. Be proud you were quick-thinking and got him out of the house. Good job!

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 08:01 PM

168. You caught a lucky break

Lesson learned. So glad you are (mostly) okay.

I learned something from your episode. Never have anyone strange to the house when my husband is away. If they show up anyway don't answer the door.

Thank you for posting I'm sure a lot of women will learn from what happened to you.

God bless you!

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Tue Oct 9, 2018, 10:35 PM

174. Assuming you were getting rid of the old dryer because you replaced it with a new one

you might be interested in knowing (assuming its not been mentioned already) that alot of retailers like Lowes will haul away the old appliances for you when they deliver the new one and thats what we had done with our old stove when we had to replace it with a new one and its what we will be doing when we replace the fridge next year as well.
But as for the jackass that is bothering you its not your fault..............its his.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Wed Oct 10, 2018, 12:01 AM

177. Reasonable Fear

Clever man he. No doubt in my mind that he's done this before and probably was successful in achieving his primary goal of asserting his power and control. He used the weight of the dryer, the incline of moving it up stairs to disadvantage you. His approach was almost scientific. He positioned it so that he would be able to look you directly in the face. He wanted to see your fear and discomfort. I would not be surprised if his previous occupation was that of an executive, directing people and / or processes and expecting immediate results. I can absolutely understand your terror and know that it was completely justified.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Wed Oct 10, 2018, 12:09 AM

179. I had an anxiety attack reading this.

and the thread, which I had to finally quit reading and stop shaking so I could write this and and thank jodymarie aimee for posting this story, which hit far too close to home. Beware.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Wed Oct 10, 2018, 03:37 AM

185. I'm unbelievably sorry this happened to you.

I truly don't know what to say, except that as a man, I promise I'll never, ever engage in that sort of thing.

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Response to jodymarie aimee (Original post)

Wed Oct 10, 2018, 09:57 AM

187. Thank you for sharing. That is a frightening experience.

You handled a very difficult situation extremely well.

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