From Today's WP: I watched a rape. For five decades, I did nothing.
I don’t remember the month it occurred or the exact town it was in, but I remember that the party was in an upper-class suburb south of Pittsburgh. I don’t remember how I got home. These details don’t matter to me. What I remember clearly was the rape. Recalling it, for me, is like remembering where I was when I found out that President John Kennedy had been assassinated. There is a before and an after.
At one point, a boy told several of us to go outside and look through a window into the basement because another boy, a football player, had taken a girl there. (There were far more boys than girls at this party.) When we peered through, we saw the girl passed out on a sofa, her feet facing us. As the boy approached her, he waved to us, smiling. He proceeded to remove her jeans and then her underwear. It was the first time I had seen a girl naked. He climbed on top of her and penetrated her. She immediately woke up and tried to fight him off. At this point, we all scattered in the yard. No one said anything. There was just nervous laughter.
Eventually, we all went back into the house. I don’t remember anyone drinking, other than the girls. I did not drink anything. We must have gone into a bedroom, because the next thing I recall is standing with about 10 other boys around a bed on which a different girl had passed out. Everyone was touching her through her clothing. I placed my hand on her leg and quickly removed it.
More at:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/i-watched-a-rape-for-five-decades-i-did-nothing/2018/10/05/f28d9cf8-c805-11e8-b2b5-79270f9cce17_story.html?utm_term=.64b461f93121&wpisrc=nl_rainbow&wpmm=1
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The other day, a man I know and I were talking about Kavanaugh, and I said perhaps now more men would realize how very pervasive the fear of assault is in women, and he suddenly said, "I saw that when I was in high school."
Same basic situation-- some guy he knew, another jock, had cornered a girl at a party, and everyone either watched or wandered away so as not to watch. The girl (like Dr. Ford) fought the boy off and ran out of the house. No one did anything after that-- didn't yell at the boy, or check on the girl, just went back to the party. He said he hadn't thought about that in years, but now is thinking, why was he so craven? Why did he continue socializing with the boy (though he said he and his friends used to darkly mutter "rapist" when they saw him).
The reckoning is going to be difficult. But for women, this is another one of those occasions, I think, when we might have to accept that as angry as the confessions make us, as inadequate as they seem, they represent something of an advance.
Many women after the 50s went through what we called a "consciousness raising"-- we deeply thought about ourselves and the culture and what was happening to us and what we needed to change.
I don't think most men went through that, certainly not most men of that generation. They have gone through decades, many of them, sort of baffled and defensive. These don't know why women "are upset". Or they sort of know ("Of course I believe in equal rights!"
, but it isn't always personal, or they don't understand how pervasive discrimination is in the culture.
So it's really entirely possible that decent men have little understanding of the rape culture and how it affects women, because many of them all along have been turning away from looking at it. I think very few of the men of my acquaintance want to even think a minute about how much they have benefitted from it (like... a coworker who always leaves work before it gets dark is not going to be as much competition for promotions).
But just as back in the 60s consciousness-raising groups, the first big step is the realization and the narration-- realizing something, and then talking about it. It's a start. I personally would let him talk and not shout at him. (Well, being the way I am, I'd probably shout at him and then think, well, that wasn't a very productive response.)
This is a hard time. I don't know how to respond in a way that won't trigger the defensiveness that is so innate in the "basically decent" <G> men I know. But I'm trying, because anger isn't going to move them/us that next step.
have been something awful if you had not done the right thing. But you did.
I'm still cursing.
If you have a pre-teen daughter it's time to have a talk with her right now. You can't be her "buddy" you have to be the parent and take responsibility for her safety and well-being. Always know where your daughters are and whose house they're going to. Always know how they get there and how they get home. Always know which parents are supervising the activity, and if there's no supervision then your daughter doesn't go.
If you have a pre-teen son it's time to talk with him right now. You can't be his "buddy" because you have to be the parent and take responsibility for his actions. You need to teach him how to behave with girls and how to talk to girls with respect & dignity. No private one-on-one dates until he's old enough to drive. Group activities need to have adult supervision, and no alcohol or drugs allowed at any party or group get-togethers. If the kids come to your house so that you can supervise, that's great, but you really need to SUPERVISE. No in and out activities, because that's when they smuggle in the booze and drugs. When it's an all-boy party they cannot be allowed to "sneak in" one or 2 willing girls. When it's a mixed group of boys and girls, more parents need to be there to help you supervise. When you are not home, no other kids should be allowed to come over. No exceptions!
Yes it's tough being a parent and it's hard work. Whether your own parents were strict or not, it's a different world out there now. Ask yourself if you want to be in Brett Kavanaugh's parents' shoes sitting in that hearing room and listening to all the shit he did while they failed to pay attention.
If your kid can't or won't tell you, then he/she stays home.
