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Thu Sep 6, 2018, 06:40 AM

My new neighbor

My neighbor is a serial killer. Everyone on the block knew that about him when he moved in but we all smiled as we said "Hello" and "Welcome" - as is the neighborly thing to do.

The whole street paraded over with dishes heaped with enough food to last a month of Sundays. As each person handed over their most winning effort with a smile and a look of encouragement, they lingered in expectation - waiting for a compliment on the presentation or aroma - the polite response when offered neighborly gifts. But each time the new neighbor would grunt, take the dish, and make to shut the door.

It was a bit strange that the newcomer expected each and every person on his walkway to knock in turn instead of simply accepting the bounty and pleasantries of the already gathered assembly.

But he is a serial killer and maybe he isn't accustomed to the ways of being a polite neighbor. So as the door closed on one baffled face another cheerfully determined one would pry it right back open. This went on for several minutes when the newest member of our close knit community walked away, leaving the door wide open, and chucking Miss Betty's Blueberry Sunrise Surprise on a moving box in the hall.

Wondering what to do next, the group decided the open door was an invite, and in we all piled.

The screams began as I was passing through the hall, having stopped for a quick peek into the half-bath. Painted a bright gold, it wasn't my taste - but I knew with the right influence my new buddy would learn to embrace neutral colors.

Reaching the kitchen, I saw Miss Betty sprawled on the floor in a pool of blood, an ax sticking out of her skull. The new kid in town was smiling bigly while coating his face in Miss Betty's blood.

The dismay on the faces of everyone else let me know that something untoward had taken place. Not wanting to be rude I didn't ask.

I am a restaurant manager by trade so I took charge. Accidents and messy spills are a big part of working with food, and I knew exactly what was needed. I got John to get a mop and a bucket, while Kelly and Sarah were sent in search of towels. The neighbor from across the street, the one everyone called General, volunteered to get our now tomato-colored comrade cleaned up, and off to the shower they went.

In short order the kitchen was put to right. Floors and walls cleaned. Trash burning out back, with Miss Betty and her cake topping the pile. It was the send off any neighbor would want from the neighborhood they loved.

We all love our neighborhood. We have an obligation to to keep it running smoothly.

With the new neighbor occupied with the busy work of unpacking we made our way back to our homes, secure in the knowledge that we did the right thing. We protected the neighborhood.

It seems so obvious - what happened. He is a serial killer, after all. But when you have a duty to be a good neighbor, you do what you must.

We work in shifts now, keeping an eye on our neighbor, hoping to avoid another Miss Betty surprise. The city can sleep soundly at night, safe in the knowledge that we are on the job.

We could call the police, I suppose - but who wants to start a neighborhood fracas when we all have a job to do, making our neighborhood great again? It could drive our property values down.

Besides, he's not all bad. He's done some really good things. Fewer dogs means less barking - and that can't be bad, right? Right?












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Arrow 43 replies Author Time Post
Reply My new neighbor (Original post)
Solly Mack Sep 2018 OP
monmouth4 Sep 2018 #1
Solly Mack Sep 2018 #17
marked50 Sep 2018 #2
Perseus Sep 2018 #5
Solly Mack Sep 2018 #18
AllaN01Bear Sep 2018 #3
Solly Mack Sep 2018 #19
Perseus Sep 2018 #4
Solly Mack Sep 2018 #20
MineralMan Sep 2018 #6
Solly Mack Sep 2018 #21
brer cat Sep 2018 #7
Solly Mack Sep 2018 #22
Hortensis Sep 2018 #8
Solly Mack Sep 2018 #23
Hortensis Sep 2018 #27
Solly Mack Sep 2018 #33
FakeNoose Sep 2018 #9
Solly Mack Sep 2018 #24
watoos Sep 2018 #10
Solly Mack Sep 2018 #25
LuckyCharms Sep 2018 #11
Solly Mack Sep 2018 #26
Blue_playwright Sep 2018 #12
Solly Mack Sep 2018 #28
SpankMe Sep 2018 #13
Solly Mack Sep 2018 #29
tblue37 Sep 2018 #14
Solly Mack Sep 2018 #30
amuse bouche Sep 2018 #15
Solly Mack Sep 2018 #31
SWBTATTReg Sep 2018 #16
Solly Mack Sep 2018 #32
sl8 Sep 2018 #34
Solly Mack Sep 2018 #36
ProfessorGAC Sep 2018 #35
Solly Mack Sep 2018 #37
Crunchy Frog Sep 2018 #38
Solly Mack Sep 2018 #39
dweller Sep 2018 #40
Solly Mack Sep 2018 #41
PufPuf23 Sep 2018 #42
Solly Mack Sep 2018 #43

Response to Solly Mack (Original post)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 07:34 AM

1. Wonderful, best one I've read..n/t

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Response to monmouth4 (Reply #1)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 11:43 AM

17. Thanks, monmouth4.

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Response to Solly Mack (Original post)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 08:10 AM

2. Yes, a good analogy of the mess we have.

It reminds me of something my wife said a few days ago. She plainly asked the question that people should be asked, especially to Trump supporters - "Would you want Trump as your neighbor?".

That would be something to ponder. It might get someone to really think about Trump under real conditions that you would have to live under. Pretty frightening for most.

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Response to marked50 (Reply #2)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 08:43 AM

5. I asked people a similar question when GW Bush was president

What I would argue with people is that if they owned a company and GW's resume was presented to them without the actual name that 99% of the time they would toss the resume in the garbage, his CV is so bad, so full of failures that they would know a person like that would put in jeopardy their company. The same applies about the man-child, his resume would only be accepted by gang members of the mafia.

And correct, you would not want him as your neighbour.

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Response to marked50 (Reply #2)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 11:45 AM

18. I'd move.

He'd enjoy disrupting the neighborhood too much and life is too short.

Thanks!

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Response to Solly Mack (Original post)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 08:30 AM

3. part of me would take this litaral as i had to re read it several times to make it compute .

in real life though there are neighbors from hell. i live in an apartment, and one below me has been harrasing me since he moved in a # of years ago. i have health problems and dont need this alphahotell. so i started yelling at him that one feels i shoud be quiet starting @ 2 pm by baning my floor . ive started yellling at the idiot and that seems to work. we have anti harrasment here and that is a smokescreen. i hope we can get rid of the big alphahotell which the article is talking about soon.

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Response to AllaN01Bear (Reply #3)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 11:46 AM

19. I'm sorry about you have to live around someone like that.

Bad neighbors suck. I know they do.

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Response to Solly Mack (Original post)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 08:38 AM

4. Well done!

I have already passed it around people I know, it is a must read, in my humble opinion.

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Response to Perseus (Reply #4)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 11:47 AM

20. Thank you, Perseus

I hope they enjoy it.

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Response to Solly Mack (Original post)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 08:43 AM

6. Very Nicely Done!

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Response to MineralMan (Reply #6)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 11:48 AM

21. Thanks, MM.

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Response to Solly Mack (Original post)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 08:50 AM

7. Great, Solly.

K&R

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Response to brer cat (Reply #7)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 11:48 AM

22. Thanks, brer cat!

I had fun.

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Response to Solly Mack (Original post)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 08:52 AM

8. "I am a restaurant manager by trade so I took charge."

That gave me a good chuckle. Now that I think of it, though, there's one somewhere in the WH. Maybe there's a clue to something here.

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Response to Hortensis (Reply #8)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 11:49 AM

23. Maybe the banality of the job?

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Response to Solly Mack (Reply #23)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 11:54 AM

27. No, no. Sharply honed executive functioning.

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Response to Hortensis (Reply #27)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 12:00 PM

33. That's the ticket!

lol

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Response to Solly Mack (Original post)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 09:04 AM

9. This worked out great for everyone except Miss Betty

Too bad we can't say the same for the traitors in the White House.

Great story though. Thanks Solly Mack! The donkeys approve.



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Response to FakeNoose (Reply #9)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 11:51 AM

24. I approve of those donkeys.

Thank you, FakeNoose.

She died a hero.

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Response to Solly Mack (Original post)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 09:07 AM

10. Spot on, well done.

Allow me to add, for those who believe the anonymous letter is a good thing, no it isn't.

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Response to watoos (Reply #10)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 11:52 AM

25. Thank you, watoos.

It didn't bring me a happy either - the letter.

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Response to Solly Mack (Original post)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 09:10 AM

11. Well done!

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Response to LuckyCharms (Reply #11)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 11:53 AM

26. Thank you, LuckyCharms.

I blame the anal bleach...around Trump's eyes. Made me delirious.

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Response to Solly Mack (Original post)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 09:10 AM

12. This fellow writer approves!

Nt

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Response to Blue_playwright (Reply #12)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 11:55 AM

28. Thank you very kindly, Blue_playwright.

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Response to Solly Mack (Original post)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 09:17 AM

13. Rec +1. This would sail right over a right-winger's head. n/t

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Response to SpankMe (Reply #13)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 11:56 AM

29. Thanks, SpankMe.

Probably.

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Response to Solly Mack (Original post)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 09:23 AM

14. Very impressive. nt

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Response to tblue37 (Reply #14)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 11:57 AM

30. Thank you, tblue37.

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Response to Solly Mack (Original post)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 09:32 AM

15. Loved it

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Response to amuse bouche (Reply #15)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 11:58 AM

31. Good! Thanks, amuse bouche.

I had fun with it.

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Response to Solly Mack (Original post)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 09:33 AM

16. Nice satire...and you really had me going! Take care! nt

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Response to SWBTATTReg (Reply #16)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 11:59 AM

32. Sorry. My neighbors aren't quite that bad. (that I know)

There was that one block party though...


Thanks, SWBTATTReg.

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Response to Solly Mack (Original post)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 01:29 PM

34. K&R n/t

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Response to sl8 (Reply #34)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 01:40 PM

36. Thanks

sl8

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Response to Solly Mack (Original post)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 01:34 PM

35. Well Done, Solly

Rec'd

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Response to ProfessorGAC (Reply #35)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 01:41 PM

37. Thank you, ProfessorGAC.

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Response to Solly Mack (Original post)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 01:45 PM

38. Genius. Thanks.

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Response to Crunchy Frog (Reply #38)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 02:18 PM

39. More like frustration and disgust but Thanks! :)

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Response to Solly Mack (Original post)

Thu Sep 6, 2018, 11:50 PM

40. I am a restaurant manager by trade so I took charge...

I knew at this point, this is satire... sick, sick satire ...

you are 'anonymous' , right?

👍🏻
✌🏼️

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Response to dweller (Reply #40)

Fri Sep 7, 2018, 12:41 AM

41. No

but I play one online.

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Response to Solly Mack (Original post)

Fri Sep 7, 2018, 12:52 AM

42. Your tale is more than apt SM.

Truly one of the most clever writings I have ever seen in many years of DU.

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Response to PufPuf23 (Reply #42)

Fri Sep 7, 2018, 12:54 AM

43. Thank you, PufPuf23

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