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Amerigo Vespucci

(30,885 posts)
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 10:32 AM Aug 2012

Colbert: Papa John’s pizza like "eating the ass off a raccoon that drowned in your bird bath"

Colbert: ‘Obamacare’ isn’t worth higher prices for Papa John’s ‘hot turd pizza’

http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2012/08/09/colbert-obamacare-isnt-worth-higher-prices-for-papa-johns-hot-turd-pizza/



After hearing reports that Papa John’s CEO John Schnatter told investors that “Obamacare” would force the company to raise the prices of its pizza in 2014 by 11 to 14 cents, Stephen Colbert knew the President’s health care reform had gone just a step too far.

On Wednesday’s show he said, “I’m sure you’re saying, ‘Fourteen cents? Stephen, that’s not even one percent of the cost of a large pie. People will be willing to swallow that. After all, they’re willing to swallow this.’ Wrong.”

“People will not pay another cent because when you order a Papa John’s pizza, it’s only after you’ve reached a state of such desperate gnawing hunger that you’d eat the ass off a raccoon that drowned in your bird bath, and, even then, only after making absolutely sure that you’re all out of drowned raccoon ass,” he added. “And now Obama expects you to shell out almost three extra nickels for this hot turd pie? Fuck that! Eat the nickels, you have your dignity.”

But he wasn’t without concern for people’s health. “Now don’t get me wrong folks,” he stated. “I believe every human being has a fundamental right to affordable health care. But at what price? There has to be a line we do not cross. And it’s 14 cents. Because if we just sit idly by while everyone gets access to a doctor, today it’s just 14 cents more a pizza, tomorrow it could be three cents more a taco. And I would rather be dead.”
78 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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Colbert: Papa John’s pizza like "eating the ass off a raccoon that drowned in your bird bath" (Original Post) Amerigo Vespucci Aug 2012 OP
Fuck that! Eat the nickels, you have your dignity MADem Aug 2012 #1
John Schnatter's mansion. Ganja Ninja Aug 2012 #2
And forked over a mere quarter million bucks for his beloved 1971 Camaro... progressoid Aug 2012 #5
And it still doesn't get him laid Tom Ripley Aug 2012 #17
The guy is a dick to be sure... awoke_in_2003 Aug 2012 #48
Only if he gets them as drunk and drugged up as possible. All the money in the world couldn't get smirkymonkey Aug 2012 #61
Not you, maybe... awoke_in_2003 Aug 2012 #63
Not finding - renting Burma Jones Aug 2012 #70
True. nt awoke_in_2003 Aug 2012 #75
Ah hell Johnny Noshoes Aug 2012 #18
I think I would go for the new version of the Dodge Viper. Webster Green Aug 2012 #33
The Tesla is VERY cool Johnny Noshoes Aug 2012 #35
But it was his specific car that he had owned when he was a teenager. Tunkamerica Aug 2012 #68
Bring back the 90% tax bracket Joe Bacon Aug 2012 #23
This Asshole makes $260 million a year. Ganja Ninja Aug 2012 #27
There has to be a middle-ground solution to this. 14-cents increase SDjack Aug 2012 #28
Or they could just skip it and let the sick employees sneeze on every pie. Ganja Ninja Aug 2012 #31
They can keep the goddamn jalapeno. Myrina Aug 2012 #32
That is the part I hated every time I ordered Papa John's Panasonic Aug 2012 #44
are they jalapenos or pepercini? darkangel218 Aug 2012 #52
they're Peperoncini and they're supposed to be that gold yellow color azurnoir Aug 2012 #65
Don't they also put some sort of strange "buttergarlic" dip in, too? MNBrewer Aug 2012 #57
Would be nice. Johnny Noshoes Aug 2012 #36
hell yes it is. barbtries Aug 2012 #8
What a miserable excuse for a human being. Flatulo Aug 2012 #9
If history has taught me anything - it's that the greediest in society will ultimately meet their fates. Initech Aug 2012 #20
Looks like he has a moat to keep all of US people out. louis-t Aug 2012 #21
His "mansion" reminds me of the Disney Cinderella Castle. YOHABLO Aug 2012 #43
John Schnatter has always struck me... tex-wyo-dem Aug 2012 #64
From Wikipedia.........high quality input here Burma Jones Aug 2012 #71
Papa Johns now forever linked with drowned raccoon ass! nt wiggs Aug 2012 #3
fuck that, eat the nickels keep your dignity grantcart Aug 2012 #4
+1 uponit7771 Aug 2012 #19
And here I thought PJ's was desperate based on the hundreds of free pizza coupons I get. Lost-in-FL Aug 2012 #6
I LOL'd at that until I cried Cracklin Charlie Aug 2012 #7
have you had papa john's pizza? pansypoo53219 Aug 2012 #13
It's inedible like Dominos, Pizza Hut and the other chains. Joe Bacon Aug 2012 #25
Papa John's pizza tastes worse than the fucking box it comes in. Flatulo Aug 2012 #39
th only saving grace that pizza had was the little hot peppers and the garlic sauce... the pies dionysus Aug 2012 #10
"...tomorrow it could be three cents more a taco. And I would rather be dead.” yellowcanine Aug 2012 #11
They don't have dead drowned raccoon ass as a topping option around here NRaleighLiberal Aug 2012 #12
I hope that goes viral. hifiguy Aug 2012 #14
I haven't laughed that hard at Colbert in a while. Initech Aug 2012 #15
loflaw uponit7771 Aug 2012 #16
I've had that shit pie twice in my life, and never again. The only reason I had it a second time... Tarheel_Dem Aug 2012 #22
...is because you ran out of drowned raccoon ass. DRoseDARs Aug 2012 #50
It's going on my grocery list as we speak. 1 drowned raccoon ass. Tarheel_Dem Aug 2012 #62
Freaking Hilarious JanetLovesObama Aug 2012 #24
ewwww libodem Aug 2012 #26
I will never buy Papa John's Pizza again. And I am HAPPY not to. I will FEEL GOOD every time I eat a patrice Aug 2012 #29
"Drowned raccoon ass" LadyHawkAZ Aug 2012 #30
I just hope he doesn't hurt the reputation of racoons. Especially their ass, which is, jtuck004 Aug 2012 #34
Point taken. LadyHawkAZ Aug 2012 #38
I'm sick of all these fuckin' employers bitching about Obamacare! Crowman1979 Aug 2012 #37
Pj's stinks anyway Flatpicker Aug 2012 #40
The point needs made, Schnatter will raise prices on customers, instead of his stockholders. progressivebydesign Aug 2012 #41
had one of their pizzas once gejohnston Aug 2012 #42
excuses excuses the reality is that because of this years drought and heat food prices azurnoir Aug 2012 #45
Well beyond classic. Think I'll hit up Papalinos and gladly pay double for a real pie. TheKentuckian Aug 2012 #46
I love Stephen! He's brilliant. nt valerief Aug 2012 #47
I'm feeling amuse bouche Aug 2012 #49
I second you smugness. I do the same thing and make my own. part man all 86 Aug 2012 #51
I will never in my life eat papa johns crap again darkangel218 Aug 2012 #53
I hope he goes bankrupt darkangel218 Aug 2012 #54
I've been a Papa John's fan for quite a while, but MNBrewer Aug 2012 #55
University of Iowa's business school is called the PappaJohns Business Center. shcrane71 Aug 2012 #56
I've had this pizza once RegieRocker Aug 2012 #58
Actually its the best tasting chain pizza out there. Zax2me Aug 2012 #59
LMAO! lonestarnot Aug 2012 #60
Surprisingly good pizza can be found at Costco ! 4lbs Aug 2012 #66
That's the truth, too. Warren DeMontague Aug 2012 #67
Account hopefully Deleted MissNostalgia Aug 2012 #69
Well, at least Papa John's pizza is better than Little Caesar's Burma Jones Aug 2012 #72
(1) Stephen should not be referring to that crap as pizza. It is NOT pizza. Zorra Aug 2012 #73
The other-worldly qualities of raccoon nether-parts. Don C. Nuttin Aug 2012 #74
Maybe he could leave out the pickled pepper that comes with them krispos42 Aug 2012 #76
Well, look at the house. The man has needs. BeyondGeography Aug 2012 #77
That's messed up BrainMann1 Aug 2012 #78

MADem

(135,425 posts)
1. Fuck that! Eat the nickels, you have your dignity
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 10:42 AM
Aug 2012

That is a pant-wettingly funny routine! BRILLIANT!

Thank you for posting this!

Ganja Ninja

(15,953 posts)
2. John Schnatter's mansion.
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 11:03 AM
Aug 2012


And he begrudges his employees getting 14 cents a pie for healthcare.

Shameless and senseless greed for greed's sake is this country's biggest enemy.
 

awoke_in_2003

(34,582 posts)
48. The guy is a dick to be sure...
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 07:46 PM
Aug 2012

but let's be honest- when your wallet is as fat as his, finding sexual partners is not that hard.

 

smirkymonkey

(63,221 posts)
61. Only if he gets them as drunk and drugged up as possible. All the money in the world couldn't get
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 10:23 PM
Aug 2012

me to crawl in the sack with that ass-turd.

 

awoke_in_2003

(34,582 posts)
63. Not you, maybe...
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 11:06 PM
Aug 2012

but there are plenty of people, male or female, who do not have high standards and will do anything for money.

Johnny Noshoes

(1,977 posts)
18. Ah hell
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 12:48 PM
Aug 2012

I could get a Maserati Gran Turismo with whole lot of options for less than that and it is a Hell of a lot cooler than a friggin Camaro.

Webster Green

(13,905 posts)
33. I think I would go for the new version of the Dodge Viper.
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 02:24 PM
Aug 2012

There's just something about those things.

Of course, there's also the amazing Tesla Roadster.

Decisions, decisions.

Johnny Noshoes

(1,977 posts)
35. The Tesla is VERY cool
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 03:30 PM
Aug 2012

It doesn't have a lot of range - well okay maybe 300 miles on a charge - but it sure is sweet. It is kinda like a full size grown up slot car.
When I was still working they had a few of them outside the NASDAQ building in Times Sq a few years ago. I think the stock was going public or whatever - but man that is one very cool car.

Tunkamerica

(4,444 posts)
68. But it was his specific car that he had owned when he was a teenager.
Fri Aug 10, 2012, 06:04 AM
Aug 2012

I'm sure the seller knew he could ask whatever he wanted.

Joe Bacon

(5,163 posts)
23. Bring back the 90% tax bracket
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 01:19 PM
Aug 2012

This is exhibit "A" for taking the rich off of welfare and making them pay their fair share.

Ganja Ninja

(15,953 posts)
27. This Asshole makes $260 million a year.
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 01:33 PM
Aug 2012

It seems that the richer they get the more they want and the less scrupulous they become. They're blind to anything but their own bank statements. It's the modern day version of gold fever. They react to seeing even small amounts of money in someone else's hands as if they were claim jumpers.

SDjack

(1,448 posts)
28. There has to be a middle-ground solution to this. 14-cents increase
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 01:58 PM
Aug 2012

is outrageous -- it's a deal breaker. I suggest that the pizza component cost be reduced by 15 cents, giving the company a 1-cent kicker for ObamaCare. Makes sense. Most people don't finish those pizzas anyway.

Ganja Ninja

(15,953 posts)
31. Or they could just skip it and let the sick employees sneeze on every pie.
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 02:08 PM
Aug 2012
"No charge for the extra topping."

Myrina

(12,296 posts)
32. They can keep the goddamn jalapeno.
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 02:17 PM
Aug 2012

One can only guess how old they are & what's been done to them before they land in your pizza box ....

 

Panasonic

(2,921 posts)
44. That is the part I hated every time I ordered Papa John's
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 05:55 PM
Aug 2012

HOLD THE DAMN JALAPENOS

I quit ordering from them 6 months ago.

azurnoir

(45,850 posts)
65. they're Peperoncini and they're supposed to be that gold yellow color
Fri Aug 10, 2012, 03:09 AM
Aug 2012

I haven't had Papa John's in years but I did used to like those mildly spicy peppers

MNBrewer

(8,462 posts)
57. Don't they also put some sort of strange "buttergarlic" dip in, too?
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 10:03 PM
Aug 2012

In stepped on one once in my neighbor's yard and it exploded all over my other boot .... gag. Had to throw away the boots

Johnny Noshoes

(1,977 posts)
36. Would be nice.
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 03:34 PM
Aug 2012

Beyond a certain level of wealth the money only means power or access to it and has nothing to to do with reasonable comfort and well being - how much crap does anyone need past a certain point. Yeah well sure I posted above about a Maserati but seriously even if I had that much money paying what was once the price of a small house FOR A CAR no it just doesn't feel right.

 

Flatulo

(5,005 posts)
9. What a miserable excuse for a human being.
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 12:31 PM
Aug 2012

I find myself wishing more and more lately that these fucking billionaires, whose estates use more resources that some countries, find themselves prisoners behind their own walls.

Initech

(99,913 posts)
20. If history has taught me anything - it's that the greediest in society will ultimately meet their fates.
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 12:54 PM
Aug 2012

louis-t

(23,199 posts)
21. Looks like he has a moat to keep all of US people out.
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 12:56 PM
Aug 2012

Either that or 16 of his bathrooms flooded at the same time.

 

YOHABLO

(7,358 posts)
43. His "mansion" reminds me of the Disney Cinderella Castle.
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 05:53 PM
Aug 2012

Yeah, real classy there. Lack of taste in his Pizza and in his personal belongings. It's shite like his pizza that's killing all of us .. lots of glutenous dough with some crap smeared over the top of it. You know, if we had single-payer health care in this country ... it wouldn't be an issue. Why don't these entrepreneurs get behind a single-payer health care system? They're just stupid I guess.

tex-wyo-dem

(3,190 posts)
64. John Schnatter has always struck me...
Fri Aug 10, 2012, 01:02 AM
Aug 2012

As a complete douche asshole...and, gee, I was right!

Be assured, John, that by 2014, 14 cents per pie is going to pale in comparison to the higher prices you going to have to pay for everything else on your pizzas due to climate change, so stop your whining!

Burma Jones

(11,760 posts)
71. From Wikipedia.........high quality input here
Fri Aug 10, 2012, 10:02 AM
Aug 2012

Schnatter is considered a genius by most Americans. His innovative products have made him a leader in the important pizza-delivery sector of the American economy, and real Americans consider him an expert on the American healthcare system, since most of his regular customers suffer from diabetes and heart disease. Papa John's pizzas - often affectionately described as "vomit on cardboard" - have become a staple of many Americans' households. It is no understatement to say that Schattner's products have enriched the lives of every American.

Lost-in-FL

(7,093 posts)
6. And here I thought PJ's was desperate based on the hundreds of free pizza coupons I get.
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 11:38 AM
Aug 2012

Is he calling for a boycott? He got it!

Cracklin Charlie

(12,904 posts)
7. I LOL'd at that until I cried
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 12:07 PM
Aug 2012

I don't think Steven cares much for hot turd pizza.

That bit was one of the two best things I saw yesterday, along with the British bike rider's response to Piers Morgan's questioning of his patriotism.

I wonder if Steven has recently had an incident with a dead raccoon in his birdbath? He seemed so disgusted by the idea of the dead raccoon.

Joe Bacon

(5,163 posts)
25. It's inedible like Dominos, Pizza Hut and the other chains.
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 01:21 PM
Aug 2012

If you want a decent pizza, support your local family pizza shop. They make real pizza, unlike the chains!

 

Flatulo

(5,005 posts)
39. Papa John's pizza tastes worse than the fucking box it comes in.
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 04:15 PM
Aug 2012

We have a family-owned Italian joint nearby in Worcester MA called the Wonder Bar. Been there over a hundred years, and the great-grandchildren now run the place. Their dough is the same as it was back in the day. Genuine New York style pies with thin crispy crust and homemade sauce.

Damn, I'm getting a chubby just thinking about one.

dionysus

(26,467 posts)
10. th only saving grace that pizza had was the little hot peppers and the garlic sauce... the pies
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 12:35 PM
Aug 2012

kinda suck... although nothing is worse than dominoes...

 

hifiguy

(33,688 posts)
14. I hope that goes viral.
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 12:42 PM
Aug 2012

It would probably put a dent in the business of that shitty pizzeria. That is freaking hysterical.

Tarheel_Dem

(31,207 posts)
22. I've had that shit pie twice in my life, and never again. The only reason I had it a second time...
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 01:03 PM
Aug 2012

was to make sure that it really was that shitty. And it was. Worst effin' excuse for pizza that ever passed my lips. I'm even more proud that I don't put a dime in this asshole's pocket.

Tarheel_Dem

(31,207 posts)
62. It's going on my grocery list as we speak. 1 drowned raccoon ass.
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 10:41 PM
Aug 2012

Check. The odd thing is, I'll bet drowned raccoon ass has more flavor.

libodem

(19,288 posts)
26. ewwww
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 01:29 PM
Aug 2012

Drowned raccoon ass. One of my guy friends uses a saying similar to that except his involves a menstrating moose. Yuck, sorry.

patrice

(47,992 posts)
29. I will never buy Papa John's Pizza again. And I am HAPPY not to. I will FEEL GOOD every time I eat a
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 02:00 PM
Aug 2012

different brand of pizza.

LadyHawkAZ

(6,199 posts)
30. "Drowned raccoon ass"
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 02:06 PM
Aug 2012

Finally, someone has come up with a descriptive name for the godawful flavor of PJs pizza!

 

jtuck004

(15,882 posts)
34. I just hope he doesn't hurt the reputation of racoons. Especially their ass, which is,
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 03:04 PM
Aug 2012

typically, tastier than his pizza. Note: You should not leave the raccoon to soak in the birdbath - should remove, clean, place in salt water and chill

I once tried a piece of pj's raccoon-inspired creations. eeeewwwwhh...

They may have done more for home-made pizza than anybody.

LadyHawkAZ

(6,199 posts)
38. Point taken.
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 03:41 PM
Aug 2012

PJs is vile stuff. I will take Little Caesars or Pizza Hut over them. I would probably prefer the genuine raccoon ass.

progressivebydesign

(19,458 posts)
41. The point needs made, Schnatter will raise prices on customers, instead of his stockholders.
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 04:46 PM
Aug 2012

Because apparently the ONLY reason to be in business in America anymore is to kiss your stockholder's asses. Not your customers, not your employers. Remember when owning stock was a risk?

Nothing I hate more than a nouveau-riche guy like that, who thinks that money = class. They always buy the stupid castle homes, and they have a spouse that whines that the imported marble in the kitchen isn't exactly the color of their Bichon's eyes.. so it must be taken replaced.

gejohnston

(17,502 posts)
42. had one of their pizzas once
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 05:28 PM
Aug 2012

tasted like lawn clippings. I would eat tofu and deep fried crickets before touching that again.

azurnoir

(45,850 posts)
45. excuses excuses the reality is that because of this years drought and heat food prices
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 05:55 PM
Aug 2012

like yeast dough with too much sugar added, what this creep is doing is attempting to use this as a political sting on Obama

at first I had said good enough 14¢ isn't much, but then after I thought about it I realized what he is IMO really doing trying to get some political juice out of what would happen anyway but for different reasons

MNBrewer

(8,462 posts)
55. I've been a Papa John's fan for quite a while, but
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 09:53 PM
Aug 2012

Now that it's gone "Chick-Fil-A" ... I'll die before I'll put another slice of his pizza in my mouth. Guess I have to get the pizza crust recipe back out. It's better anyway. Less convenient, but better.

shcrane71

(1,721 posts)
56. University of Iowa's business school is called the PappaJohns Business Center.
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 09:59 PM
Aug 2012

No joke. Another funny thing about the anti-socialism rant is that UofI has a rather large segment of students from Communist China, many attending PappaJohn's Business Center.

 

Zax2me

(2,515 posts)
59. Actually its the best tasting chain pizza out there.
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 10:10 PM
Aug 2012

Eh. Oh, well.
No longer.
I'll test out local pizzarias and find a new favorite, no big deal.

4lbs

(6,756 posts)
66. Surprisingly good pizza can be found at Costco !
Fri Aug 10, 2012, 05:02 AM
Aug 2012

Especially their Supreme pizza.

Big thick crust, and lots of delicious toppings.

Many Costcos have those food areas where you can buy a big slice for $1.99.

Also it would support Costco over PJ as Costco fully supports Obama, healthcare, and unions!

MissNostalgia

(159 posts)
69. Account hopefully Deleted
Fri Aug 10, 2012, 06:56 AM
Aug 2012

I requested that my account be deleted today by email. I rarely buy this company's pizza, but it felt good to cut ties anyway. Im hating this trend of mixing hate(personal) with business. These right wing CEOs really aren't doing themselves any favors, because after President Obama wins, I personally will never forget how they wanted to get in the way of his 2nd term, and their reasoning behind it, of hating Gays, the sick, their own employees having right, and so on.

Burma Jones

(11,760 posts)
72. Well, at least Papa John's pizza is better than Little Caesar's
Fri Aug 10, 2012, 10:06 AM
Aug 2012

which was better than what I got in my Elementary School's Cafeteria

Damned near everywhere I've been has had SOMEONE who has opened a decent Pizza Place.

Avoid the Chains, eat better Pizza.

Zorra

(27,670 posts)
73. (1) Stephen should not be referring to that crap as pizza. It is NOT pizza.
Fri Aug 10, 2012, 10:25 AM
Aug 2012

(2) Raccoon ass is actually better when marinated overnight in a warm bird bath sauce.

It draws the grease out of the meat.

And I bet all this time y'all that those little round dried out crunchy things on your Papa John's pseudo cheese bread was artificial pepperoni.

Don C. Nuttin

(84 posts)
74. The other-worldly qualities of raccoon nether-parts.
Fri Aug 10, 2012, 10:35 AM
Aug 2012

I am pretty sure that Colbert was disparaging Papa John's pizza. That said, Colbert is a Sputh Carolinian. And many southerners carry or wear a Baculum (a raccoon penis bone -- yes raccoons have penis bones) as a charm. Granted that tradition survives generally far west of South Carolina in places like Arkansas, but consider the possibility that Colbert was darned near deifying Papa John's pie. I'm just sayin'.

krispos42

(49,445 posts)
76. Maybe he could leave out the pickled pepper that comes with them
Fri Aug 10, 2012, 10:44 AM
Aug 2012

Or the dipping container of fake butter-garlic sauce for the crusts.

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