So, when did you know you were a heterosexual/homosexual?

I identify as hetro but how do I know that someday I won't meet "the one"-and that person is a woman? I don't and I'd be dishonest about what love is if I said that the only person I could ever love would be a man.
I've always thought of myself as "straight", as a child but I wonder how anyone thinks they can make a choice as to who they love. I'm not attracted to other women but how do I know that I haven't met "the right one"?

It's actually a good question you've asked.

many poeple have had friends they felt would be perfect for them if only they or that person was sexually attracted to them.

What if, later in life, something else happens? What if I haven't met "the one" because I've looked at all the wrong things? What if "the one" should actually be based on other characteristics and not physical?

It's something that I discussed with a few friends recently. We all talked about it-what if the perfect person for you was actually a member of the same sex? (Or, in the case of one person, a member of the opposite sex.) It really ended up being an interesting discussion about what society demanded of us and what we could accept from ourselves.

and i'm sure there are many cases where someone can be just perfect for you if not for the issue of physical attraction. if that was the case then it would probably mean people you get romantically involved with will always be 2nd to that person.

That's what started out the conversation. A few of us were talking about the men in our past and how they really were no good for us. One person said that maybe we picked the wrong men. A guy in the group said maybe it's because we were only looking at men.

That comment started off a big discussion about what we found attractive, if that can change at different times in our lives, etc. It really was a good discussion and I think at least a few said that they would consider a relationship with someone of the same sex if everything else fell in place, minus what they had always been physically attracted to before. It really led to this whole conversation about whether physical attraction was the most important thing or an emotional connection/companionship.

"A man does not require physical beauty in a woman who builds his ego. After a while, he realizes she is beautiful, he just hadn't noticed it before."

There's a truth somewhere in that, I think. But "physical beauty" and "attraction" are so much within the eyes of the beholder, I wonder sometimes if the confusion comes from not being attracted to what we are conditioned to find attractive, even if it is not a person of the same sex.

-- Mal

My lovely old lady thinks Scott from Income Property is hot hot hot. I know he's objectively gorgeous, but I'm not attracted to him in the least. He's just a Guy, and probably belches and farts like the rest of us, only younger and richer and better looking.

Away with that crap. When I was his age, I had a great chest and abs too (butt is still good). Anyway, I am glad for my friends, heterosexual or homosexual, and I have had many of both since the '70s, even as my gay friends have kicked my ass over Christmas decorations.

We are conditioned to be attracted to one person or one type of person. Being attracted to someone outside of that can be very hard on a person, even if that person is the sex that they are normally attracted to. If that's the case, then how much harder is it for someone who finds themselves attracted to someone of a sex that they were never attracted to before? And can that change as we get older? Does what we think we find attractive change over time?

I'm a middle aged white female who has always been attracted to men. I consider myself to be heterosexual but is that being totally honest with myself? Can I, or anyone else, ever truly be just one thing? Is there a chance that we really are all just at least a time bit bisexual, even if we've never realized it before? I don't know but it really is interesting to think about!

As to Heinlein: I attended his 100th birthday celebration a few years ago in Butler, MO. It's just a bit over an hour from my home. Even though it wasn't sponsored by the Heinlein Society it was still a bit to-do.

Although, I have some men and women physically attractive. My point is that, that idea is a poor determinant of sexual orientation.

My first thought is I'm still not completely sure one way
or another, for many reasons.

For anyone who has been sexually abused, especially prior
to adolescence, sexuality is confusing, PERIOD.

Someone who's been abused may be driven in all directions
sexually, seeking relief and balance. This is true also when
one's been abandoned in childhood. As a teenager, (a very
messed-up teenager) I was attracted to anyone who wanted
me. I wanted to be wanted. I wanted to be touched, and
held, loved. That's all. A girl or a boy, wasn't the concern.
Many feel this way.

I'd love to see this question asked of a population of
healthy young adults -- or even teenagers -- who've
grown up with love and tolerance, openness, acceptance.
Freedom to be themselves in all ways. When do such children
discover their own natural sexual nature?

and, as far as I can tell, I've never been confused. I've always been attracted to men. What I do wonder is if I'm attracted because I'm really attracted or I find only men attractive because that's what is the "norm" in our society? And does attraction change over time? Does physical attraction become less of a factor when we get older and emotional attraction/companionship become a larger factor? If that's the case could I be attracted to a woman with those qualities in the future?

It's a discussion that a few friends had not too long along and we all had some interesting thoughts on it.

So how can I tell if I am heterosexual or homosexual. All I know is that I am open to whatever.

I guess I'll never know until the right situation is at hand.

But none of them walk on two legs.

I remember chasing a certain boy around the classroom so I could give him a kiss goodbye...

I don't think I succeeded...

But I knew boys were it for me.

Oh yeah.

I was chased around the classroom in the third grade by a girl trying to give me a kiss. And she did move away. But her name was Janice.

at a dirty magazine in a convenience store sometime in the early 80s. I was probably around 7 or 8. I didn't know why at the time, but there was just something about boobies that struck my fancy.

I discovered that those hidden airbrushed parts held good memories in real life.

Now, interestingly enough, I didn't know that girls were different from boys -- I missed out on all that playing doctor stuff. In fact, I got into constant trouble for fighting with the girls -- many of whom were bigger than I at the time, lol. But I knew women were sure-enough different, and what they'd got, I wanted a lot of. I think I first "fell in love" around 9 or 10. My puberty was still years off, but there was this cute little blonde girl on my street, a year or two older than I, and I "wanted" her. (Wouldn't have had a clue what to do with her) I also remember a dream, right around or shortly after I reached puberty (12), long before any sex education, when I was dreaming (about Penny Robinson actually, funny you should post this tonight.) and suddenly -- this is gospel truth -- I knew how to "do" it.

Hope all of this isn't TMI, but I've actually been thinking about the same thing recently.

-- Mal

it can be confusing because they are often brought up seeing the male/female couple as the norm. so if they start to feel for the other they don't know.

but i think if kids were brought up where all pairings were treated as normal , they would easily know at an early age.

Hey, I was 12...

As in archaeopteryx.

Just a strange coincidence then, huh? (Or maybe not. Maybe your entire life has been informed by that one event.)

Back in the 80's I saw her...

I liked myself first.

Not sure about the rest.

I don't know the answer here. I do know it's not a choice, it is who each of us are.

Not from you personally but in society. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we are having it, but it seems pointless.

I guess I just never understood the need to label every damn thing and then close off all the other options. I get one go at life. I'm gonna enjoy it as I see fit and if Billy Graham can't handle that then he'd best not come to my house.

Unfortunately that's exactly why we need this weird discussion. Because the Billy Grahams of America think they have the right to decide my love life for me.

Which is even more weirder.

Its very hard for young people to know themselves well, while its easy to just "be what is expected" instead. Perhaps many people never really know. Time, an open mind, and good friends help; but when it comes down to it there's much more to life than sex anyway, and love has many different forms.

why two girls couldn't marry, and they said I'd understand when I got older.

I still thought boys were repellent when I was in 5th grade.

And then, sometime in my 12th year, everything changed.



(But if you'd asked me when I was 7, I'm sure I'd have thought I was gay. Who'd want to marry someone with cooties?)

You know, I don't think any of us knew what cooties were back when Ike was president, and I still don't know now.

What the hell is a cootie?

Invisible little horror-bugs that run up and down your back, and give you the creeps.

And who wants a creep? Too many women I have known, that's who.

-- Mal

That's all I know.

Pretty much the last show on Saturday in Detroit, after Mighty Mouse, Lone Ranger, Roy Rogers, and Soupy.

Thank you SO MUCH for the memories.

I remember being very young, in grade school, and my older brother and I finding our neighbor's porn magazines. I remember having internal and physical feelings associated with looking at the naked guys in the porn who were with the women. Not any feelings I had when looking at the women.

So for a long time I knew I had feelings for other men. I didn't have the foggiest idea there was a term for it or really that it was supposed to be "bad" because we never discussed sex or feelings toward others in my family, or really in my greater community. Yep, I grew up Southern Baptist in the South.

All I ever knew was I was supposed to grow up, get married and have kids to repeat the cycle. As a male in that society talk of emotions or showing them was taboo - God forbid you cry even if you're in an accident and your limb is hanging by mere threads of ligaments from your body. It would be so girly, you'd be such a "pussy" or fag so just "man up" even though I don't believe we really knew what fags were.

I guess it was Jr. High or High School the full realization of who I really am came to me. I finally said to myself "I'm" gay. Then I was immediately ashamed and frightened. Ashamed I was an "abomination" and afraid others might find out and hate me.

So I knew I was a homo long before I admitted it.

cousin, who was 16 or 17 at the time, was drying herself off after a shower...

Even though I was only 4 or 5, I remember it like it was yesterday, I felt a tingling down there that hasn't stopped even now some fifty years on...

With men, not so much. Although there was a time back in the 70's when I thought I might be gay because I hadn't had a date with a woman for over a year. So I got a snoot full and went to a gay bar. Well, this guy came up to me and hugged me and said "Oh sweetie, as much as I would love to &#^%$#% you but I can't because you're just not gay...."

Which of course made me feel worse because I couldn't even attract a man.

Happily, I sobered up and started in on the most enjoyable sexual part of my life...

Then I turned eight years old.

But, of course, I did not think of what I was feeling as being sex. I had no clue about sex.

Doesn't move me at all. I did not understand why those of my sex found me attractive, eithet, but have had to say no. So I dont know what kind of 'vibes' I must put out, I try to not be sexual at all to anyone, never, always been rather protective of msyelf that way, was never comfortable with flirting, etc.

I have to tell those who had a crush on me including a friend I have now, that it just won't work for me. So I'd say it's totally chemical or natural. Even though when I was in college many years ago, some professors said we should try it out to be sure that we were not bigoted, no kidding. My ex who was more adventurous tried it with a person of the same sex, and it just didn't work. It was this kind of gender neutral idea.

So I think this is completely biological, not a choice, and not a lifestyle, either. I believe there is range of sexuality, more than just straight or gay, too. And that no one should be forced to go against their nature.

And that is only part of it where a choice exists. Will a person be what they are or will they submit to the dictates of others, is what they will have to choose. Not what their tastes are, but will they go against their nature to please society. We know this happens even within societally approved relationships, that people will marry people who they did not choose when they live in a country or culture that forces them to marry..

Anyway, hope that answers your question. Just my experiences.

God bless that good woman, where ever she may be today.

When I was having a drink with a friend and his friend, went back to his place for a talk (and maybe some more drinks) and they came on to me pretty hard. It was the 70s and in the UK there was a lot of talk about how everyone could choose to enjoy any type of sex so I thought "why not?" Additionally I had also had a string of failures with women.

They were nice guys, fun but they just couldn't get me hard. My body and brain did not connect what was happening with sex. Eventually one of them said, "Just relax!" and we all burst into gales of laughter when I pointed out,

"If I was any more relaxed, you could pour me off the sofa,"

I left a little while later and they carried on where I left off. It was all rather civilised.

This however was just a practical proof for there were indications before. The most obvious of these was (another*) homosexual friend who could not see why I found Michaelangelo's David devoid of beauty; to my eyes it is just a post coital man with a posing pouch slung over his shoulder.

+++++++++++

* at this time I worked at the British Museum, which had a very high proportion of LGBT staff.

in 1961, when I was six. I thought he was dreamy. LOL

However, I will say when I was twelve, 3 other girlfriends and I had what I would call a curiosity with each other's developing bodies. It always just involved looking, but since those days, I've always found women to be visually stimulating, yet never did respond in a physical way to that attraction. So maybe it's just that...a woman's nude body turns on men and women alike, or, I'm just a repressed Bisexual? LOL

Whatever the case may be, at this point in my life, I probably always will be hetero. I have a wonderful husband, great kids, and grandchildren that are my heart.

Thanks for asking an interesting question.

I don't remember a single event. I do know that some time in 6th grade I transitioned from not wanting to have much to do with girls to wanting them desperately. That would have made me 11. Definitely no choice in the matter. And I've never been given any reason to believe that choice plays a significant part in sexual attraction, no matter which way you swing.

I'm married, female. I've never had the experience of being with a woman...but I have always wanted to. I don't think it's a conscience decision, pretty sure I came into the world this way.

There, I said it. Never said it before. Never told the hubby either.

I saw a mans arm from my car window. He was standing near the car, all I saw was the way his wrist bone pointed, the blond hair on his suntan lower arm and I thought, "I wonder what his neck smells like..." I have seen many beautiful women, but I have never felt like nuzzling up on one and finding out for myself what their neck smelled like. For men I do. i announced it to my friends at dinner that night. "I am a heterosexual". I was 40.

I began noticing girls around then and found them quite fascinating. I still do.

I mean, a lot of people's arguments for homosexuality is that the person doesn't have a choice. A lot of argument against it is that they do. Let's take that factor out of the equation. Who cares whether or not it's a choice? I know it's important to acknowledge that for most people, sexuality is not a choice, but "choice" shouldn't be the argument for or against homosexuality. I also think in some cases, one's sexual preferences or sexuality can change. Some women end up with other women around the time they hit middle age because the realization dawns on them that the person matters more than their sex. If I weren't raised with strict gender roles from birth, I might have had a couple lesbian daliances.

How do I know what I am? How do I know if I've made a choice?

I'm nearing forty and I've always identified as a hetero female. I've always been attracted to men and can't remember ever being attracted to a woman, except on the level of "what a beautiful (insert whatever here-haircut, pair of shoes, comment about how great someone looks after a long diet, etc-not really attraction but acknowledgment of something positive. In other words, a compliment.)

Anyway, the choices I've always made in men have been pretty rotten. How do I know that, a few years down the road, I meet someone with nearly every attribute that I claim to find attractive? And what if that person is a woman? Maybe I act on it, maybe I don't-it's something I'll never actually know unless the situation presents itself, which has never happened to me.

For now I can't say. For now I see myself as het but feel it would be dishonest if I said I'm 100% and that's that. I don't know what the future holds.

She and I were best friends. We both had "reversible spy jackets" too. In third grade (different school) it was Betsy. We had competitions, sitting on top of the overhead bars, to see who could spit the farthest through the space in our front teeth. It never occurred to me that people were capable of same-sex relationships in a romantic sense until I was in middle school.

I couldn't figure out why I wasn't as excited to go to the prom as other girls, and why my heart skipped a beat whenever I saw my friend come around. It hit me like a lightning bolt one day - I saw this gorgeous woman jogging, and suddenly, I realized why .

I'm pretty sure it was before I started any sort of school.
Checking out the Maid's posterior.
((I came from a different country initially, so hired help was much cheaper))

Also had a crush on the older girl that baby sat me whose name I don't remember.
As well as a famous young singer when she was still a kid before she played Kim in Miss Saigon.

All before I started kindergarten.

I was about eight or nine.
Best Catwoman EVER!

but I have always been pretty clearly oriented towards women for as long as I could remember. However, as I've expanded my knowledge of sexuality, I've become sort of "bi-curious" and open to same-sex experiences if for no other reason than to see what it's like on the other side, though as I'm married, it's unlikely that I would actually be able follow through with any sort of experimentation at this point- a fun "fling" would probably all it would ever end up being for me. I doubt that it would drastically lead to any drastic changes in my lifestyle. I guess you could say that I'm straight but flexible! I honestly don't believe that people "choose" their sexual orientation so much as they "choose" what to do with it, which, in most cases, is whatever seems to be most consistent with what they believe their sexual orientation to be and it's great to see that more and more people seem less afraid to reveal/express their true sexual orientation and live more honest and open lives than they did (or were able to do) in the past.

and seeing shirtless men and an attraction to them that was like no other.

and could never ever let anyone else know.

My father was a drunk who disappeared when I was 9, and Mom was great (you may have seen the post with ER), and my brother and I were supposed to be homosexual because we had no father figure.

Well, it didn't work out that way. I am there for you and my dear friends who are gay every step of the way.

I found your brief post very moving. Please stay with us, and know that I am your friend. A pretty feisty one, at that.

Mrs. Pretzler's class. Second grade.

She and her parents moved away when we were in fifth grade. But for those three glorious years... mmm mmm mmm.

Someday, we'll cross paths again, and I don't care what my relationship situation is... I'm going to pack my bags and we're going to disappear into the sunset together.

Got a sneak peek at playboy and the penis didn't lie.

...and definitely NOT with his sister.

Trust me, I've been all through this. No doubt in my mind I was born this way. Not. A. One.