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Wed Mar 7, 2018, 06:00 PM

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #4-9: Give My Regards To Mr. Magoo Edition

Last edited Mon Mar 12, 2018, 01:18 PM - Edit history (2)

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #4-9: Give My Regards To Mr. Magoo Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Wu Tang Clan aint nothing to fuck with! Wu Tang Clan aint nothing to fuck with! Wu Tang Clan aint nothing to fuck with! Wu Tang Clan aint nothing to fuck with! Whew!!!!! You know how it’s going to be a good day when you start off the day with that little spring in your step? Because no matter how bad your day gets, just remember – anything bad that happens to Pharma Douche Martin Shkreli is definitely something that makes the day that much better! So we have discussed this story so much on the Top 10 since it began because I love this story. So you know that Martin Shkreli is the only owner of the Wu Tang Clan’s single-printed album “Once Upon A Time In Shaolin”, right? And remember when the Wu Tang Clan wrote into the contract that they could pull off a heist and steal the album at any time? Well, it looks like Once Upon A Time In Shaolin might be the subject of a government civil asset forfeiture. In fact Shkreli bragged about how he wanted to destroy the only copy of the album at one point. And then he made that promise to release the album if Trump became president? And then he got duped by the Wu Tang Clan who revealed that he might have purchased a fraudulent copy of the album? Well now he must forfeit the album as part of a $7.4 million payback. Which officially brings closure to this insane story. Although part of me really wants to see if the Wu Tang Clan pulls off a heist to retrieve it back from Shkreli. You still got time guys before the album becomes the property of the US government! OK enough of the intro – we got a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and he exposes the insanity behind the NRA’s NRATV channel:

So where do we start this week? Well, first off returning to the number one spot this week is Donald J. Trump (1)! And he hit a milestone last week – he hit 100 days spent on the golf course! Trump golfs while America burns. In the second slot this week is also Donald Trump (2), who had one of his worst weeks ever this week. Turns out he’s running the worst White House in history! In the number 3 seed this week is the real president of the United States – Vladimir Putin (3), and it turns out that he has a powerful new weapon that could kill a whole lot of us. Taking the fourth slot this week is United Airlines (4). And just when you think you’ve seen the depths of corporate greed and evil, you ain’t seen nothing yet! Speaking of income inequality, taking the fifth slot this week is a new installment of our ongoing series “Top 10 Investigates” (5) and this time we’re going to discuss an income inequality crisis brewing at Disneyland. It’s much scarier than you would think! Taking the sixth slot this week is of course our weekly sermon on the things the Christian right is up to in “Holy Shit” (6), and among other wackiness, Pastor Initech is going to show you a church where you can literally marry your gun. At number 7 is our old buddy Alex Jones who was hopping mad this week after advertisers started pulling from his Youtube channel, while he held a march in Austin, Texas and well, it was a spectacular fail. In the number 8 slot, is Donald Trump’s HUD secretary and brainless brain surgeon Ben Carson – who revealed that governmenting is hard, after getting heat for spending $31K on his office space. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot, we’ve got a new installment of “I Need A Drink” and this time we’re going to discuss booze news, particularly whiskey brand Johnny Walker and their new women-oriented marketing campaign. And finally it’s the return of the National For Fuck’s Sake Association and the long-awaited return of our Stupidest State contest! We have a lot of newcomers this year and some exciting changeups. This week it’s our Selection Sunday and just like March Madness we’ll name the states that will get to participate in the tournament! And we’ll close out this week with a live performance from Weird Al Yankovic! Yes, the almighty parodist has graced us with his presence! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font]

So this week our president Donald J. Trump hit a new milestone. And he is going to keep it 100 by spending so much time golfing! I mean remember when he said that he was going to be “working so hard that he wouldn’t have any time for golf”? Well, guess where he was this week? That’s right – he was at his old favorite hangout place – Mar-A-Shithole. Only this time it’s different because of this venerable milestone. Well, two milestones actually. We don't usually talk poll numbers on this program but this one I absolutely love.

President Donald Trump’s new campaign manager has his work cut out for him.

A week after naming Brad Parscale to run his reelection effort, Trump is 8 points behind a generic Democratic candidate, 44 percent to 36 percent, according to a new POLITICO/Morning Consult poll. Nearly one in five voters, 19 percent, are undecided.

Other indicators also suggest Trump is in perilous shape at this early stage. The president’s approval rating in the new poll is 43 percent, down from 46 percent last week. And Democrats’ lead on the generic congressional ballot is up to 7 points, 44 percent to 37 percent.


That's right - Trump is so toxic that the democrats right now could literally run *THAT GUY* and win! But here's the other milestone I wanted to talk about. Trump is keeping it 100! He went and celebrated his 100th day at the golf course.

Almost fourteen months into his presidency, Donald Trump has reached a dubious milestone that none before him have achieved: He’s spent his 100th day at a golf club bearing his own name.

Considering he’s only been in office for 408 days, that means he’s spent almost 25 percent of his time at a Trump-branded golf club, including during the funerals of Parkland victims, while millions of Americans remained without water and power in Puerto Rico, and for an entire week after Christmas.

The landmark was reached on Saturday at Trump’s club in Palm Beach County, Florida. CNN reports that this is one of the four Trump courses that the president has visited since he took his oath, in addition to Trump National Golf Club in Jupiter, Florida; Trump National Golf Club in Sterling, Virginia; and Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, New Jersey.

Trump was extremely critical of President Obama’s golfing habits. Before he got into office, Trump infamously said that he wouldn’t have time to play golf if he was president. But since his inauguration, he has spent a staggering amount of time at his golf properties — and he is showing no signs of stopping any time soon. Around Christmas time, Trump spent nine out of 10 days playing golf. In January, he spent Martin Luther King, Jr. Day on the golf course.


Remember – his words, not mine! So with that in mind let’s take a look at some of Trump’s greatest golf hits. Not even a few weeks ago, remember when Hawaii had that insane nuclear missile scare? Guess where Trump was!

Critics are blasting President Donald Trump for continuing to golf Saturday while frantic Hawaii residents rushed for cover after a false cell phone alarm about an incoming ballistic missile.

The president was on the course at his Trump International Golf Club in West Palm Beach, Florida, after the alert was issued at 1:09 p.m. EST, according to press pool reports. His motorcade didn’t leave the club for Mar-a-Lago until 1:38 p.m.

Although Hawaii’s Emergency Management Agency quickly tweeted that the initial warning was an error, it took 38 minutes before a second mobile alert declared the first a false alarm. Officials said the wrong button had been pushed.

Yeah remember that guy? I remember when presidents used to hide the fact that they’re completely full of shit! Now it’s out in the open! See, we know Trump is full of shit! And his supporters are apparently proud of this fact! You know where he was during the Florida shooting? Guess where!

CNN’s Anderson Cooper and other critics are taking Donald Trump to task after the president visited Trump International Golf Club in West Palm Beach, Florida, for several hours on Monday while funerals for some victims of the Parkland school massacre were taking place less than an hour’s drive away.

“The president tweeted and played golf today, a day that saw two families bury their children,” Cooper said on Monday, referring to two of the victims of the mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, which killed 17 people. “He did not mention them in his tweets.”

In addition to hitting the putting green, Trump spent the President’s Day holiday weekend angrily tweeting about Oprah Winfrey, former President Obama and the Russia investigation. In one tweet, he attributed the FBI’s admitted failure to follow up on a report about the school shooter to spending too much time on the Russia investigation.

And on Trump’s Keep It 100 milestone – let’s remember that he’s not just a guy who’s addicted to golfing, he’s terrible at it!

LPGA legend Suzann Pettersen is fond of the sitting U.S. president. But she's not so sure about his handicap.

In an interview with Norwegian newspaper Verdens Gang, Pettersen detailed the many sides to her relationship with President Trump, whom she has known on and off the golf course for over a decade.

"He cheats like hell," the 15-time LPGA Tour winner said. "So I don't quite know how he is in business. They say that if you cheat at golf, you cheat at business." Pettersen also said the president must pay his caddies well, as drives that are headed for the woods always ends up back in the fairway. She also mentioned his fondness for gimmes.

The merits of President Trump's 3 handicap have come under scrutiny since he took office. Sen. Lindsey Graham told GOLF.com's Michael Bamberger about a round of 73 Trump shot in "wet, windy conditions," and aspiring pro Taylor Funk recently reported that Trump had shot 36 on the front nine during their round together. But Pettersen said in the interview that she hasn't seen that side of his game.

Yup – Trump is a real life Goldfinger! And in case it couldn’t be anymore obvious that Trump is the Country Club President, well, Trump may have violated the law this week. He obeys the best laws, folks!

The Trump Organization could be in hot legal water after ordering markers for its golf courses that feature the presidential seal, ProPublica reported Monday.

President Donald Trump's namesake company ordered the new tee markers, complete with the presidential seal, in recent weeks. Federal law forbids the seal be used for anything other than official government business.

Eagle Sign and Design, which has offices in Indiana and Kentucky, told ProPublica that it received an order for dozens of 12-inch replicas of the presidential seal to be placed next to tee boxes at Trump courses.

"We made the design, and the client confirmed the design," Joseph E. Bates, who owns the company, told ProPublica, declining to name the client.

ProPublica reviewed an order form that said the customer was "Trump International." At the same time, the company's Facebook page showed the markers in an album titled "Trump International Golf Course."

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Trump has been having his worst week ever. And the hits keep on coming. But before we get into the colossal fuck up of Jared and Ivanka, well, I have to talk about this story. And I couldn’t love this story any more. So Trump blew up at Jeff Sessions this week. And it’s not too far for Trump to go off the deep end, that’s been happening since day one. But Trump compared Jeff Sessions to a beloved cartoon character. Let’s show that.

The correct answer: Mr. Magoo, the much-loved old-school cartoon character (in the words of animators Bill Hurtz, Peter Burness, and authors Marty Gitlin and Joe Wos, respectively). After a long hiatus, on Wednesday night Magoo made a surprise return to pop culture, his name bouncing around cable news and trending on Twitter — all thanks to White House intrigue.

As The Washington Post reported, President Trump’s relationship with Attorney General Jeff Sessions has reached a new low. Trump has reportedly taken to calling Sessions “Mr. Magoo” at the White House. Coming from a president known for throwing derisive nicknames at enemies and allies, the dig could be a comment on anything from Sessions’s mental prowess to his age to physical appearance. Only Trump knows.

But there is another high-profile, tremendous, bigly important executive branch figure who may be a more apt comparison with Magoo.

The central gag of the Magoo cartoons was his stubborn refusal to acknowledge his terrible eyesight. That arrogance is what propels the character into his madcap adventures. The cartoons, however, were actually barbed social satire lobbed from Magoo’s creators, a freewheeling band of animators who broke away from Walt Disney after World War II and created shorts mixing modern art and radical politics. The original Magoo — rich, resentful of the youth, pro-business and functionally blind — was a riff on the myopic conservatism of 1950s America, a culture gripped by the anti-Communist crusade of Republican Sen. Joseph McCarthy (Wis.).

Well, Mr. Trump, give my regards to Mr. Magoo. And Jeff Sessions does look like Mr. Magoo, doesn’t he? I mean come on remember when an article like this would be front page news? “President Refers To Attorney General As Cartoon Character” would be front page news in any other administration. Now it’s like on the fourth page. So here’s the latest guy to jump ship from the HMS Trumptanic:

Washington (CNN)In a defiant pair of CNN interviews, former Trump campaign aide Sam Nunberg said Monday he refuses to comply with a grand jury subpoena in the Russia investigation.
"Screw that," Nunberg told CNN's Gloria Borger. "Why do I have to go? Why? For what?"

And in a separate interview with CNN's Jake Tapper, Nunberg said he blamed the investigation's existence on President Donald Trump's firing of James Comey as FBI director -- including an interview where Trump said he was thinking about the Russia investigation when he fired Comey and the fact that he held a meeting with top Russian officials in the Oval Office.
"Donald Trump caused this because he's an idiot," Nunberg said.

Yes… abandon ship!!! We may have to do a deep dive on this guy in the next edition, because he crazy, I mean, seriously crazy. And that’s not before all the madness that Jared and Ivanka got themselves into this week. Yup – Jared is pretty much a goner.

Chief of staff John Kelly is reportedly frustrated with White House advisers Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump and has questioned what the couple does during the day, The Associated Press reported Monday.

Sources told the AP that Kelly is angry with the pair, claiming that they are responsible for President Trump changing his mind on policies at the last minute.

He also questions what the couple does all day and is upset by their “freelancing,” according to the AP.

The report comes after Kelly limited Kushner's access to sensitive information following a review of White House staffers' security clearances.

Kushner and Ivanka Trump reportedly viewed Kelly’s work on the clearances as a direct attack on them, according to the AP.

Well, to be fair, he went to Jared. Thank you! I’m here all week, don’t forget to tip your waitress. I mean really, how incompetent can this administration get? Even Ivanka – Trump’s own daughter – yes the girl he would bone if it were socially acceptable – is on thin ice.

WASHINGTON — They spent their first year in Washington as an untouchable White House power couple, commanding expansive portfolios, outlasting rivals and enjoying unmatched access to the president. But Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump have undergone a swift and stunning reckoning of late, their powers restricted, their enemies emboldened and their future in the West Wing uncertain.

Kushner, long the second-most powerful man in the West Wing, is under siege. President Donald Trump's son-in-law has lost influential White House allies. He remains under the shadow of the Russia probe and has seen his business dealings come under renewed scrutiny. He has been stripped of his top security clearance, raising questions how he can successfully advance his ambitious agenda — including achieving Mideast peace, a goal that has eluded presidents for generations.

Kushner's most powerful patron, the president himself, has wavered recently on whether his daughter and son-in-law belong in the White House anymore.

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[font size="8"]Vladimir Putin
[br] [/font]

It’s beginning to feel more and more like we’re in a James Bond movie – and right now we’re at the scene where the evil plot has been unveiled to the world. While rigging elections around the world, stroking the egos and fears of white nationalists through the use of fake news and racist memes, and plotting "accidents" (read: murders) against those who don't follow his dangerous agenda 100%, it turns out that Vladimir Putin has been developing a new kind of nuke we haven't seen before and has it aimed right at us! Vladdy is that James Bond villain and he’s just unveiled his evil plan. While Trump is pointing fingers at his favorite punching bag “Rocket Man”, aka Kim Jong Un, it turns out that Vladimir Putin’s got something much scarier in store for us!

During Vladimir Putin's annual speech on Thursday, the Russian president played videos that unveiled brand-new nuclear weapons with startling capabilities.

Putin announced an "unstoppable" nuclear-powered "global cruise missile" that has "practically unlimited" range, then showed an animation of the device bobbing and weaving around the globe. He also played a computer animation of a high-speed, nuke-armed submarine drone blowing up ships and coastal targets.

"Russia remained and remains the largest nuclear power. Do not forget, no one really wanted to talk to us. Nobody listened to us," Putin told a crowd in Moscow, according to a translation by Sputnik, a Russian-government-controlled news agency. "Listen now."

David Wright, a physicist and missile expert at the Union of Concerned Scientists, told Business Insider that the idea of an "unstoppable" cruise missile going around the world without being detected is "fiction," since it'd heat up to an extreme degree. (CNN also reported that all tests of the cruise missile ended in crashes.)

Yeah we're probably all gonna die. And if that's called "Satan 2" it really makes you wonder what happened to Satan 1 doesn't it? And to use the catchphrase from “Game Of Thrones” – winter is coming! Well, in this case, nuclear winter is coming!

'Putin started his activity as president at the moment when the USA left the ABM Treaty, it's one of the major decisions of Bush's administration. There is a feeling that Putin had been looking for a reply to it from the very beginning, and not just for one-two years, not just for one term. It seems he couldn't give a decent reply for a long time. It's the main goal he set for himself. In general, if Russia's safety isn't provided, they won't need to speak about any sovereignty as well as of the very fact of the existence of Russia. In this respect, it's more than an address. It's a statement of his historical mission,'' the expert is convinced.

Mezhuyev thinks that the address makes a strong impression, in the main. In his opinion, the first part of Putin's speech dedicated to social issues was no less important because military power makes sense in the interests of peaceful existence of Russians.
Source : https://realnoevremya.com/articles/2241-experts-about-vladimir-putins-address-to-federal-assembly

So while Kim Jong Un is the Oddjob to Putin’s Goldfinger, it turns out that Vlad has the power to kill a whole lot of us! That’s not a good thing, sir. So you might be asking why this? Why is Putin touting that he has the power to kill us all? Well there’s a lot of different answers one could get.

Russian president Vladimir Putin’s surprise dissertation on Russia’s new strategic weaponry, attached to Thursday’s state of the nation address, mixed some well-known technological advances with a few genuine revelations. But the technical specifics are perhaps less important than the message Putin sent to the US: The cost of a conventional war remains far too high.

Putin’s big point was that Russian nukes have myriad ways to penetrate US missile shields, and will have many more before too long. The nuclear-capable hardware the Russian leader advertised with computer-generated videos can be ranged from the well-known and combat-ready to the iffy.

The RS-28 Sarmat intercontinental ballistic missile probably has the ability to bypass existing US anti-missile defence systems—if only because they aren’t dense enough. The Avangard hypersonic boost glide vehicle, known to experts as Object 4202, is designed to avoid shields by flying in the upper reaches of earth’s atmosphere at a supersonic speed. It can fly at Mach 20, “moving toward the target like a meteorite, a burning ball, a ball of fire,” Putin marvelled. Both are ready or near ready to deploy.

Yup – welcome to nuclear war 2.0, only this might be for real this time! But don’t go saying goodbye to your loved ones just yet. Before you go, at least you can get your picture taken with a 40 foot Vlad cut out and an AR-15! It’s white nationalist selfie day in Russia!

The upcoming elections in Russia might be as one-sided as an Olympic race between dopers and non-dopers, but that doesn’t mean Russians aren’t still seeing lots of PR for their current (and future) President.

The latest unusual Putin promotion comes in the form of a giant augmented reality hologram, visible in the city of Tyumen to those who download a special app on their smartphone.

This means those visiting the Olympic Training Center in Tyumen are able to catch a quick selfie with the former KGB officer, whose 3D hologram is dressed in judo getup. Putin, of course, takes pride in his physical fitness, and has even published a book on judo called—perhaps surprisingly—Judo with Vladimir Putin.

The hologram, which in some images appears as tall as 40 feet, has caused a buzz on social media, though some have reportedly been less than impressed with the stunt.

Most bookmakers and political commentators think it virtually impossible that Putin could lose the upcoming election, with one betting agency offering odds as short as -50000.00 for a Putin win.

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[font size="8"]United Airlines
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Another side effect of the Trump tax breaks is that it has given mega corporations free reign to do some of the most evil shit to their employees imaginable. United Airlines is one such evil entity that attempted to do this and well, it was a colossal failure. Look, we get it – we travel. Everyone travels. And for people who work for the airlines, who have to put up with our shit, we salute you. And in this day and age of extreme and increasing income inequality… just… how… who… what… where… I can’t even… WTF!!!

United Airlines President Scott Kirby sent shock waves through the employee ranks at the Chicago-based airline today.

Kirby issued an employee memo in which he announced that the Chicago-based airline is dropping the quarterly performance bonuses the carrier had been giving out to all employees qualified to receive them.

Kirby said in the memo, obtained by the Chicago Business Journal, that the bonus payouts are being replaced with a new program called "core4 Score Rewards," which Kirby said would include quarterly prizes like cash ranging from $2,000 to $40,000, luxury cars, vacation packages, and a grand of prize of $100,000 awarded to one eligible employee per quarter.

Kirby went on to say that each quarter that United reaches at least one of the performance goals outlined in the memo, there will be a drawing for the prizes listed in the memo.

Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! You know what this reminds me of? This reminds me of Christmas Vacation where Clark goes apeshit after his boss replaces his bonus check with a subscription to the Jelly Of The Month club. Only this is much worse. Can you imagine being the person who wins that $100,000 and everyone else hates you for it? Yeah I wouldn’t want to be that person either! But wait there’s more! Apparently they got enrolled in a “rewards program”.

United Airlines (UAL) on Monday said it was "pressing the pause button" on a lottery-like program that was set to replace its quarterly bonus program, a move that angered many employees.

"Our intention was to introduce a better, more exciting program, but we misjudged how these changes would be received by many of you," President Scott Kirby said in a message to employees.

"So, we are pressing the pause button on these changes to review your feedback and consider the right way to move ahead," the message continued. "We will be reaching out to work groups across the company, and the changes we make will better reflect your feedback."

The conflict began out in the open last week, after the Chicago Business Journal reported that United was eliminating the performance bonuses eligible employees had been receiving each quarter and replacing them with a program called core4 Score Rewards.

And that is your friendly, relatable corporate asshole! Yeah we make jokes about marketing all the time on this program but replacing bonuses with a reward program for free gift cards that nobody wants is a stunning level of evil. At least they’ve heard your complaints. In fact the idea was so unpopular that navel lint has a higher approval rating!

The system would have replaced quarterly, performance-based bonuses and rewards for perfect attendance with a lottery-based system, where eligible employees would be entered into a drawing for a variety of prizes if the company hit one of its performance goals during a calendar quarter. It was unpopular among employees, who thought it had the potential to divide them instead of encouraging them to work toward a common goal.

"This is insulting and a poor idea, to put it mildly," one United pilot reportedly wrote on an internal employee website reviewed by Inc.

United introduced the new system on Friday in an email from president Scott Kirby to company employees. On Monday, Kirby said the company is "pressing the pause button" on the new bonus system in response to employee "feedback and concerns" in a follow-up email to employees the company provided to Business Insider.

Yes it’s the gift that keeps on giving all year around! If there’s one thing we’ve learned it’s that there’s no low corporations when it comes to how they treat their employees, and this could be one of the absolute lowest. But some good news though is at least they’re reconsidering the whole ordeal.

United Continental Holdings Inc. retreated from a plan to replace modest employee bonus payments with a chance for a lucky few to win luxury cars and six-figure cash prizes, following a backlash from the airline’s unions.

The company is “pressing the pause button” on any changes to the bonuses, President Scott Kirby said Monday in a message to employees, just three days after announcing the new approach. He pledged to solicit feedback from employee groups after staunch opposition to his plan to replace steady payouts with high-stakes drawings for prizes including $100,000 and Mercedes-Benz C-Class sedans.

“Our intention was to introduce a better, more exciting program, but we misjudged how these changes would be received by many of you,” Kirby wrote.

The dust-up over the bonus lottery showed that United is struggling to overcome a legacy of poor labor relations since its 2010 merger with Continental Airlines. Employees began expressing outrage on worker forums and complaining to union representatives shortly after the changes were announced March 2.

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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: The Unhappiest Place On Earth
[br] [/font]

It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is: Top 10 Investigates.

Orange County, California is facing an unparalleled crisis not seen in its’ history before. You can see it when you get off Highway 55 or Highway 57 going toward Angels Stadium. Orange County is home to one of the world’s highest concentrations of homeless people. You might know these clusters as “tent cities”. While the mayor of Anaheim is figuring out what to do, we are going to take a look at one of the underlying root causes of the problem. The so-called “happiest place on earth”. Disneyland. Disneyland sees some 20 million+ visitors per year. But how happy are the people who are working for them?

Disneyland is famously promoted as the "happiest place on earth." But for many of the theme park's 30,000 employees, it isn't the happiest place to work. That's what we discovered after spending a year talking with Disneyland workers and conducting a survey of about 5,000 "cast members," as the company refers to its employees.

Since 2000, Disneyland's attendance (more than 27 million in 2016), daily ticket prices ($117 most days of the year for anyone over the age of 10) and revenues (more than $3 billion) have increased, but during that period, its employees' pay has dropped 15% in real dollars.

Our survey of food service workers, hair stylists, costumers, candy makers, security guards, custodians, hotel workers, retail workers, ticket takers, musicians, puppeteers, singers and dancers affiliated with 10 different unions revealed that 85% of Disneyland employees are paid less than $15 an hour. Even among full-time employees who have worked at Disneyland for more than 15 years, 54% are paid less than $15 an hour and 13% are paid less than $11 an hour.

Workers at the Anaheim resort are paid so little that more than 1 in 10 report being homeless at some point in the last two years, two-thirds say they don't have enough food to eat three meals a day and three-quarters say they can't afford basic expenses every month.

Yes, holy shit indeed. And how alarming is this news coming out of the so-called happiest place on earth? Well, it’s reaching new levels of insanity.

Only weeks after Walt Disney Co. reported better-than-expected profit, a survey at the company’s Anaheim theme parks found that 73 percent of employees questioned don’t earn enough to pay for such expenses as rent, food and gas.

The online survey, funded by labor groups pushing for higher wages for workers at Disneyland and California Adventure Park, also said that 11 percent of resort employees have been homeless or have not had a place of their own in the last two years.

“Disneyland employees report high instances of homelessness, food insecurity, ever-shifting work schedules, extra-long commutes, and low wages,” the study said.

Disney called the survey inaccurate, noting that it was only offered to union workers at the resort and claiming there were no controls preventing disgruntled employees from answering multiple times.

Of course Disney would call the survey “inaccurate”. It’s inaccurate. Or as our current president would call it simply “fake news”. After all, there’s precious corporate profits to be had! In fact Disney employees are paid so little that these are the kind of drastic measures they have to undertake.

“The Walt Disney Company promotes Disneyland Resort as the ‘happiest place on earth,’” the report asserts. “But for many of the approximately 30,000 people who work there, it is not the happiest place to work. Despite steep increases in the cost of housing and other necessities, Disneyland workers have suffered steady pay cuts and are struggling to make ends meet.”

Disney spokeswoman Suzi Brown declined to respond to the allegations of particular hardships detailed by the union members or to the report’s data on falling wages for both full-time and part-time employees.

She said, however, the average annual wage paid to full-time, hourly employees in 2017 was approximately $37,000. This includes union and non-union employees and the tips that some workers earn.

At the same time, she charged, “This inaccurate and unscientific survey was paid for by politically motivated labor unions and its results are deliberately distorted and do not reflect how the overwhelming majority of our 30,000 cast members feel about the company.

Yes, the CEOs get the trident, we get the fork. Makes a whole lot of sense. But in fact Disney employees are so worried about facing the growing threat of homelessness that these are the kinds of things that they must resort to.

Billie Taylor is in her fifth year working at Disneyland in California as a front-of-house employee at a restaurant called the Smokejumpers Grill. Warm and vivacious, she says she loves interacting with guests from around the world. “This is one of the best things that happened to me,” she said. “I was born to do this.”

She’s not as sunny when she talks about her life outside of work.

Earning $11.50 an hour, Taylor cannot afford anywhere to live in Orange County, where Disneyland is located, and is sleeping on friends’ couches. For a long time, Taylor thought she was the only person who struggled with homelessness and poverty on Disney wages, but a new study indicates otherwise.

Almost three-quarters of the 5,000 respondents to the survey, which was commissioned by 11 union organizations, said they do not earn enough money to cover basic expenses every month. And more than one in 10 reported having experienced homelessness in the past two years.

Yes, GTFO. GTFO indeed. This is absolute insanity. But we haven’t even got to the real shocker of this whole piece yet. Remember Trump’s plan to give out $1,000 bonuses to employees? Well this might shock you that they’re not paying. Well, we’re not shocked here anyway.

Unions representing about 35,000 Disney World workers say Disney is refusing to pay their members $1,000 tax cut bonuses.

Disney announced the $1,000 bonuses last month for 125,000 U.S. employees. The company said at that time that the bonuses would go to full and part-time employees, including those represented by unions “currently working under existing union contracts.”

But the union members at Disney World are in the midst of contract negotiations. They say rank-and-file workers in December voted 93% against Disney’s most recent offer of a 50-cent-an-hour raise over the next two years, coupled with a $200 signing bonus. Most unionized Disney World employees make less than $11 an hour, according to the union.

But that’s not the only thing hindering Disneyland employees. This might be one of the most egregious displays of corporate greed yet. But when you think of corporate greed, you think of extreme CEO salaries, and Disney’s boss might be one of the worst yet.

Robert Iger, the chief executive of Walt Disney Co., saw his total compensation decline 17% in the recently concluded fiscal year to $36.3 million, according to the company's latest proxy statement filed Friday to the Securities and Exchange Commission.

The drop from last year's $43.9 million was due in part to a smaller cash bonus to Iger that Disney said was the result of an "absence of growth" in the fiscal year.

Yes, more money more money more money. But only a paltry $36 million might be too little for a CEO when you consider this. In fact the ceremony was so controversial that students at a nearby school decided to get the fuck out as fast as possible – and that is saying something!

School officials in a rural area in the Pocono Mountains, in northeastern Pennsylvania, reportedly told elementary school parents that their children will be relocated for the day Wednesday to accommodate a nearby church planning a special wedding-like ceremony involving AR-15 semiautomatic rifles - similar to the weapons used in a Florida high school massacre exactly two weeks earlier.

The Wallenpaupack Area School District sent a letter to parents whose children attend the Wallenpaupack South Elementary School informing them that students will spend the day on a different school campus, reported WFMZ-TV news, which serves eastern Pennsylvania. The move was a safety precaution, WFMZ reported, although the church has told attendees - who church officials say are coming from around the world for the service - not to load the weapons.

The World Peace and Unification Sanctuary, also known as the Sanctuary Church, is led by the son of the late Rev. Sun Myung Moon, a self-professed messiah from Korea who became a symbol of the 1970s cult wars by holding mass weddings for couples who often were strangers. Moon, who founded the Unification Church, became a player in a segment of the American conservative world through business interests including the Washington Times, and his son Hyung Jin Moon has woven gun rights into the religious community he leads in Pennsylvania, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, which tracks hate groups and calls Hyung Jin Moon an "anti-LGBT cult leader."

But then you have this – and this might be one of the scariest facts about income inequality that you would ever want to know.

If that plan goes through and the company reaches its other major goals, Chief Executive Robert Iger will see his pay quadruple to $162.5 million a year. That would make his annual compensation equal to the total pay of 9,284 Disneyland workers.

There you have it – the CEO of Disney could be making as much as 10,000 Disney workers. There’s one root cause of the pay gap. That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.

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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font]

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! Time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it is our weekly duty to remind you that the holiest among us are also the most full of:

Now in a time of tragedy and national crisis, I ask you, my fair congregation, what can one do to turn to their loved ones for comfort? Some turn to thine food, others turn to their own vices, none of which the lord JAYSUS would approve of! But would one turn to thy vice for… something other than comfort? Thank you sir!

NEWFOUNDLAND, Pa. — Crown-wearing worshippers clutching AR-15 rifles drank holy wine and exchanged or renewed wedding vows in a commitment ceremony at a Pennsylvania church on Wednesday, prompting a nearby school to cancel classes.

With state police and a smattering of protesters standing watch outside the church, brides clad in white and grooms in dark suits brought dozens of unloaded AR-15s into World Peace and Unification Sanctuary for a religious event that doubled as an advertisement for the Second Amendment.

The church, which has a worldwide following, believes the AR-15 symbolizes the “rod of iron” in the book of Revelation, and encouraged couples to bring the weapons. An AR-15 was used in the Florida high school massacre on Feb. 14.

The Rev. Sean Moon, who leads the church, prayed for “a kingdom of peace police and peace militia where the citizens, through the right given to them by almighty God to keep and bear arms, will be able to protect one another and protect human flourishing.”

And I thought they were against marrying inanimate objects! But there is more method to the gun nutter’s madness. This ceremony was so scary that it was frightening nearby school children. You know – kind of like a moment in a comedy movie.

NEWFOUNDLAND, Pa. — An Eastern Pennsylvania school district says it’s canceling classes at an elementary school because a church down the street is hosting a ceremony featuring AR-15 rifles.

World Peace and Unification Sanctuary in Newfoundland, a suburb of Scranton, is encouraging couples to bring their AR-15 rifles to a “commitment ceremony” on Wednesday. The church believes the AR-15 symbolizes the “rod of iron” in the biblical book of Revelation.

The superintendent of the Wallenpaupack Area School District says “there is no direct threat.” But he wrote in a letter to parents that given concerns about parking, traffic and the “nature of the event,” students will be bused to schools about 15 miles away.

The church is a breakaway faction of the Unification Church, which has distanced itself from the event and says its ceremonies and theology do not involve weapons.

Yes – holy shit indeed good sir! For marrying inanimate objects is a SIN!!!! It is one of the most egregious of sins and it says so in the Good Book for I have read it cover to cover! Getting back to other religious wackiness, apparently those who support Trump “taketh thy Bible seriously”! Really?

Conservative radio host Dennis Prager told the National Religious Broadcasters Convention yesterday that President Trump has the support of “religious Jews” and “orthodox” Christians because those people “take the Bible seriously” and know that the important question to ask about a politician is not whether he is a “good” person but whether he is “good for America.”

Prager, who during the 2016 campaign compared the choice of Trump over Hillary Clinton to choosing to ally with Stalin rather than Hitler, told the audience about a recent column in which he had written that criticisms from evangelicals about evangelical support for Trump “are not biblical, moral or wise.”

“There is a reason that most religious Jews, that is, Orthodox Jews, and most orthodox–small-o–Christians support the president,” Prager told the convention. “It is not because they are fans of his tweets or his past behavior or the sexual conduct that he is charged with. It is because they take the Bible seriously. That’s the irony. The more religious the Christian, the more wisdom he gets and the more orthodox the Jew, the more wisdom he gets from the Bible.”

Prager told the story of how God raised up King David, who “makes Donald Trump look like Mother Teresa.”

No you don’t. I know this, Brother Denis, because LYING IS A SIN!!!! AND ONE OF THE MOST EGREGIOUS OF SINS!!! And only your repentance can be saved by the LAWRD and reading the Good Book, it even says so. Unlike many of you hypocrites, I can name the passage where it even says so that lying is a sin, and I suggest you read it too! But woe beith the most persecuted of Christians for they believe some crazy shit!

Mike Cernovich, a self-described “New Right” pundit who gained notoriety for peddling a variety of conspiracy theories such as “Pizzagate,” warned Christians that the effort by social media websites to crack down on conspiracy theories and extremist rhetoric was not actually aimed at people like himself, but rather at people who declare their Christian faith.

In a live stream video aired this afternoon, Cernovich brought up reports that Facebook had threatened to suspend a Christian satire site after fact-checking nonprofit Snopes flagged its article claiming that CNN purchased an industrial washing machine to “spin” the news. Facebook apologized for the error, but Cernovich used the event to tell listeners that social media companies want to “destroy” Christian ways of life.

“Don’t defend me. I don’t need you to defend me. Here’s what I need you to say: ‘Facebook and Snopes, they hate Christians. If you let them get rid of Cernovich, we are next.’ And that’s the truth. It’s proven now,” Cernovich said. “So rather than let people drag you into the weeds about Cernovich and this and that, just say, ‘They are only going after Cernovich because the real target is Christians like us.’”

Yes, I can’t believe someone could be that stupid! Oh wait, yes I can. These are the same people who gave us Pizzagate and Seth Rich – both inherent LIES!!!! And we all know what the Good Book sayeth about lying! But apparently those who opposeth Trump will not see the light of Heaven, and we all know that is a flat out lie!!

Paul McGuire and Troy Anderson, authors of the book, “Trumpocalypse: The End-Times President, a Battle Against the Globalist Elite, and the Countdown to Armageddon,” appeared on the podcast hosted by radical right-wing commentator and crackpot conspiracy theorist Sheila Zilinsky yesterday, where McGuire warned that Christians who don’t support President Trump will not get into heaven due to their cowardice.

“We strongly believe that God has a plan for America in the Last Days,” McGuire said. “We believe that Trump won miraculously. He took on the invisible government that controls America and they didn’t expect it and he won. And ever since he won, and even before he won, he has been attacked 24/7 like no other president in American history, basically he has been attacked like no other world leader in human history.”

McGuire said that it is “obvious to people that are in the highest levels of witchcraft or Luciferianism and the deep state [and] it’s obvious to the occult globalist elite” that Trump represents a dire “threat to their plan for a global government and a global economy and a new world order,” which is why “all hell is targeted against him.”

“I’m kind of perplexed how Christians can’t get it,” he added. “If everyone who, in many cases, openly hate the Gospel, openly hate Christ, if they’re all in alliance to tear down a man … [who is] a spiritual threat to the Kingdom of Darkness, what’s the problem with God’s people in not recognizing that God is using Donald Trump?”

If your GAWD is using Trump now to do “his work”, I would certainly hate to see what the devil’s work would look like! Thank you! That is it for this week, I hope this sermon has been enlightening for you, this has been:

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[font size="8"]Alex Jones
[br] [/font]

So this has been a rough week for the GOP. The NRA had its’ worst week ever. Trump had his worst week ever. And now Alex Jones might be having his worst week ever. Alex and his cronies Cernovich and Posobiec might be getting nuttier and nuttier. Of course they project their nuttiness on us because that’s what good conspiracy theorists do! So Alex made some insane claims that Infowars has caught “over 30 pedophiles”. Here we go again with their pedophilia obsession!

In a desperate fundraising pitch, Infowars host Alex Jones claimed that the forces behind YouTube’s recent efforts to remove conspiracy theories and extremist content from its website had targeted Infowars because Jones had taken down “over 30” pedophiles.

Today, the Infowars staff launched a 34-hour special edition fundraising broadcast in reaction to the fact that their daily broadcast is one community guideline strike away from being banned from YouTube. Infowars Washington bureau chief Jerome Corsi, who has spent the last couple of months of his life trying to decode cryptic messages he believes a Trump administration official is posting to an 8Chan forum board and accusing people of being pedophiles, just had his account terminated this afternoon.

Jones said that he has never borrowed money to spend on Infowars, but that today he would “call some of the folks that have offered a lot of money” and tell them that “this is about all of us” and that he needed “a lot of money.”

He said he would tell those donors, “I need you to understand. Unless you want to evacuate the U.S., I need everything you can give us. You can come and see what we’re doing with the money. I want to get aggressive.”

Quick! To the pedo mobile!

I can’t make that joke enough! Because it’s really getting harder and harder to take these clowns seriously with their pedophilia obsession. As I’ve said it’s like playing a really fucked up game of Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon. Except there’s just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is a satanic pedophile. So Alex now is taking things grassroots! Because if there’s one thing the “globalist elite” are afraid of, it’s a little grassroots action!

Alex Jones, the lead host of the conspiracy theory outlet Infowars, announced Friday that he had tapped self-declared “New Right” leader Mike Cernovich to organize a grassroots protest against Google and other social media companies at this year’s South by Southwest conference in Jones’ home city of Austin.

Infowars and Google have continued to publicly duel over YouTube’s community guidelines and what right-wing media personalities claim is inconsistent enforcement of those guidelines by site moderators. Jones spent nearly all of last week criticizing YouTube for placing community guideline strikes on his videos accusing the Parkland high school shooting survivors calling for tougher gun laws of being “crisis actors,” which placed his channel one strike away from a permanent suspension. Jones argued that Infowars should get to keep its access to the millions of viewers it has gathered on YouTube. At one point while defending his account, Jones made the bizarre claim that he has successfully taken out “over 30” pedophiles.


This time around, Jones and Cernovich say they’re keeping plans for a protest against Google at South by Southwest under wraps. Jones said Cernovich “wants to coordinate this behind the scenes so that they don’t know when we’re coming, when you’re coming.”

“Watch this channel when the South by Southwest is going on for what we are going to do. It’s going to be legal and lawful, but they are so scared of us physically showing up because they only want cyber control,” Jones said. “They’re totally afraid of grassroots.”

Damn straight! And this isn’t the nuttiest thing that the Infowars cabal has done this week. So Alex Jones is desperate and he’s hanging onto that desperation especially after the advertisers decided to jump ship.

A new group of companies suspended some of their YouTube advertising after finding out that ads were appearing over conspiracy theory videos peddled by radio show host Alex Jones on various InfoWars-related YouTube channels. According to a CNN report, companies including Nike, Expedia, Paramount Network, Wix, ClassPass, the Mormon Church, and the NRA have suspended ads on InfoWars channels after being made aware by CNN that their ads were running over conspiracy theory videos. Many of the companies involved claim that they had no idea their ads were running over InfoWars content, and many say they used YouTube's advertiser tools in the hope of keeping their ads off such content.

YouTube launched its relatively new advertiser tools nearly a year ago after the first big ad-pocalypse took the online video website by storm. In a situation much like this, companies began pulling advertisements from YouTube after finding out they were appearing over extremist videos. YouTube's tools are designed to give advertisers more control over the types of content over which they want their ads to run, filtering out potentially inappropriate content and content that doesn't align with a company's values.

CNN's report claims that Nike and other companies opted in to a "sensitive subject exclusion" filter, which presumably disallows ads over content that falls into these categories: "Tragedy and Conflict;" "Sensitive Social Issues;" "Sexually Suggestive Content;" "Sensational & Shocking;" and "Profanity & Rough Language."

Yeah probably. So Infowars is on thin ice and it might fall through if Alex, Mike, and Jack, AKA the Douchebag Pep Boys, cause one more slip up. And given their craziness, they just might! Even the people who Alex has fired are starting to fight back! We all know Alex is a dick, but I didn’t imagine this!

Conspiracy theorist Alex Jones has discriminated against his staff, laughed along with racist and anti-Semitic slurs against former employees and even groped one female worker, bombshell documents allege.

The controversial Infowars owner joked with staff who called Rob Jacobson 'The Jewish Individual', 'The Resident Jew' and shouted 'Yacobson' across the office, it's claimed.

Jones allegedly continually bullied, ridiculed and humiliated Jacobson - who worked for Jones' company Infowars for 13 years - before firing him last May.

Jacobson is in the process of suing Jones for discrimination, harassment and unfair dismissal and his lawyers have submitted a complaint to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC).

A second former employee has claimed she suffered 'harassment and discrimination' at the hands of Jones and other senior managers at Infowars based on her race.

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[font size="8"]Ben Carson
[br] [/font]

So just as we are about to get into our Stupidest State contest, a little reminder that one of the conferences in the NFFSA is the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference – and there is some extreme government misspending and most of it is coming from the Trump administration. I mean what happens when you need some furniture and you need to go shopping at Government Ikea?

Let's say you're a Trump administration official with old dining room furniture in your Washington, D.C. executive suite. What do you do?

In the case of Ben Carson, the presidential cabinet secretary who heads the Department of Housing and Urban Development, his staff declared the circa 1967 dining set was beyond repair and spent $31,561 on a custom hardwood table, chairs, and a hutch to replace it.

A federal law limits spending for redecorating or refurbishing to $5,000 unless Congress approves more. However, whistleblower complaints filed by Helen Foster, a high-ranking HUD civil servant, allege that a top official repeatedly told Foster to "find money," for the purchase.”

Foster's complaints charge that Carson's wife, Candy, wanted to help redecorate the office suite. Foster was demoted in reprisal after she raised questions about the work and other HUD spending, the complaints allege.

Dude, he could seriously purchase that same set of furniture from Ikea for $500. Of course shopping at Ikea you’ll most likely wind up fighting with the person you came with, eat Swedish meatballs, and then leave in a much angrier mood than when you came in. I just wanted an upright trophy cabinet!!! Why do you have to go there!!! But really? Furniture prices is what we’re dealing with here?

Washington (CNN)Senior White House aides are furious about a series of negative stories about frivolous spending at the Department of Housing and Urban Development and have taken a more hands-on role in trying to stem the tide of negative news, sources with knowledge of the situation tell CNN.

The decision to assert more control comes a day after reports that the former chief administrative officer at HUD filed a complaint saying she demoted after refusing to spend more than was legally allowed to redecorate Secretary Ben Carson's new office.
The former staffer, Helen Foster, said she was told to "find money" beyond the legal $5,000 limit for redecorating. In one instance, she says a supervisor said that "$5,000 will not even buy a decent chair."

HUD also spent $31,000 last year to replace a dining room set in Carson's office, according to federal records and a whistleblower. A department official said that the dining set in the secretary's dining room at HUD headquarters was replaced because it was in a state of disrepair.

Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Well it could be worse – we could have an inexperienced dolt as the head of a government agency he is grossly unqualified for!

WASHINGTON — Before Ben Carson accepted President Trump’s offer to become secretary of housing and urban development, a friend implored him to turn down the job to preserve the reputation he had earned as a brilliant neurosurgeon and lost, in part, as a politician.

The confidant, Logan Delany Jr., who was the treasurer of Mr. Carson’s 2016 presidential campaign, described HUD as a “swamp” of “corruption.” He predicted in an email that Mr. Carson’s “lack of a background in housing” would make him prey to the department’s career staff and political appointees, as well as predatory lobbyists.

To drive home the point, Mr. Delany appended a link to an obituary of Samuel R. Pierce Jr., the Reagan-era HUD secretary whose reputation as a trailblazing black corporate lawyer was tarnished by accusations that he steered contracts to Republican cronies.

Mr. Delany’s most dire prediction has not materialized. But many of the other problems outlined in the memo have come to pass during Mr. Carson’s first year running a sprawling $47 billion-a-year community development bureaucracy that provides rental subsidies for about five million families and oversees people living in 1.2 million units of public housing. And Mr. Carson’s own lapses in judgment — combined with the questionable behavior of his family and his reluctance to aggressively engage Mr. Trump — have left him at the margins of the cabinet.

Uh……….. governmenting is hard people!!! At least that’s the take away we’re getting from the Trump administration! I mean they can’t even go to Ikea and buy a chair for $200? Don’t get me started there, I know!!!! Argh, fuck Ikea!!!! Why must you drag me into fights with my lady??? But in case you’re wondering the kind of swag $31,000 can buy, check this shit out!

Pictures of the insanely expensive, mahogany furniture that has Department of Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carson in hot water have emerged online, as CNN gave taxpayers the chance to see how well their $31,000 furnishes an office.

The custom table and pedestals racked up $4,000, the sideboard cost $13,579, the breakfront was priced at roughly $7,000, and the 10 chairs put an over $10,000 dent in the department’s wallet. All of the furniture, which can be seen below, was purchased for use in Carson’s office space and will arrive in May 2018:

When speaking to CNN, Evelyn Sebree — the owner of HUD’s Maryland furniture store of choice, Sebree and Associates — described the buyers by saying they wanted a “really large table.”

“They said they were looking for dining furniture for the secretary’s office because a new secretary was coming in and the current furniture was old and it was raggedy,” said Sebree — who continued by denying any personal connection to Carson. “I have never met them. Never ever ever.”


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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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It’s time for:


And man I need a drink this week – there’s been lots and lots of insanity. So tell me bartender, what’s a drink that goes well with a women-oriented booze marketing campaign? Jane Walker? Sure, I’ll try some, and give me one of those giant ice cubes in the center. Hmm… that’s good shit. So Johnny Walker is trying some new tactics and going after a new demographic.

Johnnie Walker Black Label just got a little bit more feminine.

The whisky maker is putting a woman in its logo for the first time ever — a new Jane Walker edition that will be on sale for a limited time. The image of a top-hatted and tuxedo man is transformed into a shapely, long-haired woman in the same dashing outfit.

The special-edition whisky will be sold starting in March to coincide with Women's History Month and International Women's Day celebrations, according to the company. The suggested retail price is $34 for a 750-milliliter bottle.

The temporary change to the "striding man" logo is an attempt to market the drink to women.

Well, I will have to admit that Jane Walker is pretty hot! But there’s other great news in the world of alcohol, especially if you live in Indiana! You will be able to drink booze for the first time on Sunday – as it was originally intended!

John Trelo remembers how big a drag buying booze in Indiana was on a Sunday before he moved to Florida 30 years ago.

It was the same deal each time: You'd have to get up and be out the door well before noon to make the haul down Ridge Road just over the border to Santori's in Lansing, Ill. There, three or four cashiers would be ready to take the money of resigned Indiana people who just wanted a beer with their potato chips during the game.

Sunday at noon, that dark era ended for Hoosiers. After decades of back-and-forth among legislators and lobbyists, Senate Bill 1 and House Bill 1051 repealed on Wednesday the state's Prohibition-era ban on Sunday alcohol sales — save for cold beer — at liquor, grocery, drug and convenience stores.

Many liquor stores threw open their doors to customers for the first time since the 1920s, and customers like Trelo, in town to visit his parents in Highland, rejoiced. He carried his six-pack of Estrela Jalisco beer to the counter of Premier Liqours II in Highland with a sense of bemusement.

"Thirty years ago, it was the same," Trelo, of Ft. Lauderdale, said. "Sunday sales) are good for the state. It'll keep the money here."

Amen to that sir! Have a beer on a Sunday now just like the good lord intended. I mean how else are you supposed to enjoy Colts games? Hey o! And come on, what isn’t a good time for a drink? We do encourage that sort of thing here! And sir, do you think you could invest in our show?

Good week? Have a drink. Bad week? Have a drink.

That’s a rough summation of the thinking of Dan Ahrens, manager of AdvisorShares’ Vice ETF (ACT), which launched in December and focuses on alcohol, tobacco and cannabis-related companies.

“People are going to drink no matter what’s going on in the economy,” Ahrens said in a recent interview with Barron’s Next, and “no matter what’s going on in the market.”

The fund holds a range of alcohol stocks, including Constellation Brands (STZ), its second-biggest holding at about 6.1% as of Feb. 23, and Barron’s Next 50 stock Boston Beer (SAM), which made up roughly 4.4%. (More on the latter company below.)

• Right now, he believes the best opportunities are in smaller companies such as MGP Ingredients (MGPI), a distiller whose products are branded by other companies and that recently made up 5.5% of the fund’s holdings, and Craft Brew Alliance (BREW), a beer and cider company that was at 2.8%.

Yes, doing a lot of that definitely helps this guy! Now changing subjects again… man I’m getting drunk up in this piece! Whew! But there is some good news – tequila has some health benefits. So go ahead, have a shot of your favorite! Going back to Johnny Walker for a minute, I would prefer some from Jose Cuervo’s aunt Rosa Cuervo!

Tequila has received a bad reputation as a liquid hangover because regulations allow liquors made with only 51 percent agave to be called tequila.

Let’s first address the obvious: Tequila is not a “health” food. Drinking a frozen margarita is far from the nutritional equivalent of a banana-turmeric chai smoothie, but in relation to other liquors, tequila has some unique, beneficial attributes. To capture these benefits, only purchase tequila that is made from 100 percent agave. Under Mexican law, tequila may only be made from the blue Weber agave plant from the Tequila region of Jalisco. In the U.S., however, tequila has received a bad reputation as a liquid hangover because regulations allow liquors made with only 51 percent agave to be called tequila.

It’s a Low-Calorie Alcohol

Though the liquid calories in many types of liquor are detrimental to weight-loss diets, tequila is different. Tequila is made up of agavins, a certain type of indigestible sugars that move through the body unused. The more complex molecular structure of agavins prevents them from spiking blood sugar. These molecules have also been found to simulate metabolism and to help burn fat.

Click here to see how tequila can help you lose weight.

It's a Probiotic

Put down that bottle of kombucha and break out the shot glasses. The agave that tequila is derived from contains fructans, a short-chain polymer that supplies probiotics — beneficial bacteria found in the intestines. Thus, drinking a small amount of tequila may benefit digestive health, but be careful not to overdo it; too much tequila has the opposite effect on the body.

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[font size="8"]Stupidest State Contest: Selection Sunday
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16 states will enter, but only one will be crowned the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!

Ladies and gentlemen it’s time to commence the 2nd annual Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State Contest! And we have a lot of newcomers and old favorites this time around. And we’re going to change up the format a bit to please our overlords in the National For Fuck’s Sake Association. As you all know the winner will get the coveted DeLay trophy – named after former Texas coach Tom DeLay who took the team to an unprecedented 6 titles during the George Bush years:

[font size="6"]Statement From The Commissioner [/font]

Welcome! Welcome! Welcome! As the commissioner of the NFFSA, it is my honor and privilege to be the host of this year’s Stupidest State tournament! Let the games commence! All four conferences are here and ready to tangle. We have all four corners of conservatism represented – god, guns, greed, and overall batshit insanity! So this time around we’re going to do things a bit differently. Since our season ends on May 23rd, we need to speed things up a bit from last time. The league, as usual is split into two factions – the Layover League and the Flyover League. And each league will crown its’ champion before they face off in the final round. The rules before state that each conference will get four teams, which will be ranked #1 - #4. And just like how March Madness kicks off every year with a “Selection Sunday”, this year we shall kick things off with the same! The tournament will start on Wednesday, March 21st – which is around the same time March Madness starts. The rules this time around – the first round will feature two matches, while the second round will consist of one match each. Both rounds of the Final Four will take place in the same week, and then the championship. Since we do encourage gambling here, we will be providing you with betting odds this time around! And here we go!

[font size="6"]The Batshit Conference [/font]

Since 1890, the Batshit Conference is the largest conference in the NFFSA and it consists of 16 teams producing the finest guano that the country has to offer. They are the craziest of the crazy. The cream of the crop. The states that elect the worst politicians imaginable, who cook up the craziest laws known to man. The Batshit Conference caters to excellence in crazy lawmaking, and residents as equally crazy as the people who they elect. Places ruled by rural communities where there’s nothing to do but hardcore drugs, and with hardcore drugs comes hardcore craziness!

1. Iowa – the state that defined “Flyover country”. Iowa just barely missed the tournament last year due to some injuries. But this year they recruited lots of hot young talent and they are poised to go very far. Some say they could win the whole thing. Their policies have been called some of the country’s worst. The elected an actual racist and America’s worst Congressman – Steve King. They are also the home of Charles Grassley. They continually favor big business over the worker. They continue to fight for big farms over the smaller ones. They continually suppress education. Will they win? We shall see!
Smoking Gun: Iowa has Steve King and Charles Grassley. and a state rep who wanted to dismantle colleges for being too liberal.
Betting Prediction: Iowa didn’t win that number one seed for nothing – they had the best record in the whole league during the regular season - they will be shocking and surprising you with how good their team is! 2:1.

2. Kentucky – The Bluegrass State is one of the hottest teams in the league. The state that was the first that voted for @realDonladTrump, also gave us Mitch McConnell, Rand Paul, Matt Bevin, and NFFSA Rookie Of The Year Kim Davis has shown absolutely no signs of slowing down when it comes to flinging some fresh batshit. They got a massive upgrade this year and they take the number 2 seed in the Batshit Conference. When you combine out of control college freshmen, some of the most insane politicians, and hardcore religious insanity, you get one of the best programs in the Batshit tournament, and they had the second best record during the regular season.
Smoking Gun: Kim Davis is about to lose her job to a guy she once denied a marriage license to.
Betting Prediction: Kentucky can go head to head against any team they face, and they were ridiculously strong last year. They handily beat Pennsylvania for a seat in the tournament. They are looking to go far. 5:1.

3. Virginia – Another newcomer to the tournament. The Commonwealth State - adjacent to our nation’s capital has been a hot bed of white supremacy, redneck policies, and gun nut culture – creating a toxic mix that is sure to please longtime fans and newcomers to the Batshit Conference. Another first timer who if they can keep healthy, will promise to go very far in this tournament.
Smoking Gun: Racists and white supremacists united in last year's ugly Charlottesville debacle, and they're already planning another one!
Betting Prediction: They have the drive and ambition to go very far but injuries plagued them during the regular season. 20:1.

4. Texas – Last year’s champion promises to repeat this year. They are tanned, rested, ready, and looking to do some damage as they climb their way to the top while producing some fresh guano not seen since the early days of the tournament. While a shell of their former selves as they produced that string of greatness during the Bush years, Texas squeezed out a win last year and they’re looking to repeat. Their coach has stated that they will be healthy, which can either be a good thing or a bad thing.
Smoking Gun: Lt. Governor Dan Patrick has been called one of the craziest politicians in America - and not just by us!
Betting Prediction: Texas isn’t the odds on favorite it was last year. If they do win the conference and advance to the Final Four, it’s going to be a very long uphill battle for them. 10:1.

[font size="6"]The Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference [/font]

Excessive greed here is the name of the game in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference. This is the second largest conference in the NFFSA consisting of 13 states. While the rule of the game here is “never underestimate the other guy’s greed”, these guys are doing just that! Six houses? Why not? The other guy has 8! 40 cars? The other guy has 50! You have a 500 foot yacht? The other guy has a 600 foot yacht! You got Aerosmith to play a private concert for your wife's birthday party? They got Kanye West to play theirs! You have a Rembrandt? The other guy has a Picasso! And you never mix the two, that’s just bad feng shui. Since 1952, nearly all of the teams here are sponsored by Koch Industries. And coincidentally nearly all of them subscribe to Fox Business Channel where they always take the CEO’s side. While you’re watching your bank account grow by peanuts, these guys have taken the whole damn peanut farm! They’re Scrooge McDuck, Ritchie Rich, Carter Pewterschmitt, and Mr. Burns rolled into one.

1. Kansas – The reigning king of Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference is the home to one of the country’s worst governors – Sam Brownback. It’s also home to some of the country’s worst education policies and the home of the Westboro Baptist Church. It’s also a Flyover League favorite. They’re the home of Koch Industries and the Heritage Foundation – who some might be calling “economic terrorists”. Who needs Al Qaeda when these guys can do more damage?
Smoking Gun: The Heritage Foundation has their own lobby that talks directly to Trump from within the White House.
Betting prediction: Kansas looks poised to repeat as conference champions, but it could actually be a toss up this year since the competition in this league is one of the most competitive. 10:1.

2. West Virginia – Coal mining country is always a hotbed for conservative insanity. Especially in an era where anti-environment coal industry CEOs are touting “clean coal” as if it’s a thing that it exists. It doesn’t. As this has been evidenced by the batshit crazy CEOs who run America’s coal mining operations and their never ending love for anti-worker conservative policies. And this is the first time they have appeared in this tournament – they recruited a lot of hot young talent, and they promise that they will go all the way!
Smoking Gun: Massey Energy CEO Bob Massey attempted to sue John Oliver for defamation and lost! Can't wait to hear Oliver's rebuttal!
Betting Prediction: Strong favorite to finish far, could be a huge upset if they knock off a favorite to win the first round. 5:1.

3. Wisconsin – Wisconsin is getting a huge upgrade this year. Yes, the home of Miller Brewing, the Milwaukee Brewers, the Green Bay Packers, and governor Scott Walker - the state that gave us House Speaker and Bro Magazine’s Bro Of The Year Paul Ryan is poised to have nearly all of its’ seats up for grabs in this year’s tournament which means that it literally could be anyone’s game and we will see the greed and big money fly during this election year of ours. They can go very far in this tournament.
Smoking Gun: Wisconsin is so hurting to rebuild their economy that they're courting Foxconn to build a factory there, and we all know how Foxconn is a snake oil salesman.
Betting Prediction: Wisconsin bowed out in the first round last year and that made them angry to the point where they completely overhauled their team. 2:1.

4. Nevada – Nevada just barely missed the tournament due to injuries last year but this year they are coming back strong. And come on, how can you have a discussion on greed without having a discussion on gambling? Because the two often go hand in hand. And our president is also associated with the gambling industry. Can the gaming industry go far in this tournament? Only time will tell. The odds have them pegged as the biggest underdogs in this tournament, and we all love a good underdog story!
Smoking Gun: Casino owner Steve Wynn, who wants to be Donald Trump's BFF, got busted for a sexual harassment and employee abuse scandal bigger than Harvey Weinstein's.
Betting Prediction: This is a strong conference, and the gambling industry is about as corrupt as you can expect, and they spent like ballers during the off season last year. 10:1.

[font size="6"]The Family Values Conference [/font]

What do you get when you mix toxic religious values with anti-progressive family legislation? You get the Family Values Conference! The Family Values Conference is the smallest conference in the league consisting of 9 (NEIN!!) teams, but they have the richest history. Family values hypocrisy is something that’s as old as the United States itself. While you’re on your 5th divorce and wondering which of your ex wives gets your alimony check this week, that poor gay or lesbian couple who lives next door is only wondering what life would be like when they get married, while transgendered people are denied bathroom privileges. Meanwhile corrupt pastors get away with the kinkiest sex imaginable and soliciting prostitutes.The Family Values Conference: Priding themselves on religious hypocrisy since 1789!

1. Indiana – This is Indiana’s first return to the tournament in many years. Last time they got trounced by Alabama who went on to win their first title. And Indiana is back and they’re looking for revenge. The Hoosier State is responsible for one of the single dumbest controversies in the country – gay wedding cakes, and with that controversy reaching SCOTUS, expect the insanity to fly like a triple double!
Smoking Gun: Mike Pence is from Indiana. 'Nuff said.
Betting Prediction: Indiana is a hot young team and they’ve recruited a lot of young talent, and they have a very talented staff. Expect them to go far. 2:1.

2. Alabama – Last year’s conference champion and the reigning king of the Family Values Conference suffered a bit of a setback and almost didn’t make the tournament this year but they are rested and they are ready. Of course we saw a lot of Alabama last year with the insanity surrounding Roy Moore’s campaign which saw him defeated by Doug Jones. But they also have another evil that they refuse to let go of – gay conversion therapy!
Smoking Gun: Trump called the guy who convicted KKK members "soft on crime". Just to you know, stroke the racists.
Betting prediction: Last year’s insane campaign of Roy Moore left them exhausted and they just barely made the tournament. If they do get out of the first round it will be interesting to watch. 20:1.

3. Utah – The Mormons are making their first ever appearance in our Stupidest State tournament, and they have the guts to go very far. It’s one of the hardest states to get liquor in but is the home of some of the best skiing in the country. Of course it’s outer beauty hides its’ inner ugly – the Mormon church is the dominant religion in the state and has produced some of the country’s most insane family values laws.
Smoking Gun: The Mormon Church says that it's taken "baby steps" to tread the waters toward gender equality.
Betting Prediction: Utah’s first time in the tournament means that they will be fighting for supremacy in this division but if they can make it they will be Final Four contenders! 10:1.

4. Missouri - Another conference change, Missouri used to be the home of the gun nuts with the Furgeson police shooting and the riots that have taken place there. But there's an even darker, seedier underbelly to the Show Me State - they are one of the worst "family values" states in the entire country! Missouri beat Ohio in a one game playoff and just barely made the tournament, but they are looking to do some damage!
Smoking Gun: Missouri's controversial child bride laws have made the state the go-to destination for under 15 weddings!
Betting Prediction: Missouri is a wild card in this horse race but since the conference change, they are looking to do some serious damage here. Expect them to go far. 2:1.

[font size="6"]The Gun Nut Conference [/font]

Shoot first and ask questions later. That’s the name of the game in this conference. It’s also the most effective means of communication in these states.It’s the conference where you too can take your AK-47 out on a dinner date to Chipotle, and nobody will seem to care. In fact they too might have their own AK. It’s the conference where the only thing that matters is your precious firearm. Hardcore racism and extreme gun nuttery usually go hand in hand in this conference. We’re not saying all gun nuts are hardcore racists, but all hardcore racists are gun nuts. It’s the conference where debating between concealed carry and open carry can be considered a contact sport. And you can ask your fellow gun lovers “Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?”. And getting shot means it’s usually God’s will.

1. Florida – Florida earns the number 1 seed in this conference. You might be asking “wait – wasn’t Florida a member of the Batshit Conference?”. Well I answer you – yes – but Florida was tired of losing and it has some of this country’s worst gun laws. It was also home to the Parkland School Shooting, and a legislature that almost literally threw these kids under the bus. They have the potential to make the final four this year.
Smoking Gun: After the Parkland shooting, the Florida House GOP voted to declare porn a health hazard, but did not even consider a ban on assault rifles.
Betting Prediction: After Florida Man’s humiliating stunt cost them the tournament last year, they’re angry and looking for redemption. But a repeat of last year wouldn’t be out of the question. 10:1.

2. Louisiana – The Bayou State is one of the worst states to live in if you don’t want to be associated with gun nuts. It’s the home of New Orleans, and if the creepy mascots of their NBA team the New Orleans Pelicans are any indication of what kind of people they elect, keep in mind that this is the state that gave us Bobby Jindal. They have the wit and gun nut insanity to outlast the tournament.
Smoking Gun: Louisiana has the highest concentration of school related threats in the country - so they have a lot of smoking guns!
Betting Prediction: Another tournament first timer, Loosiana has recruited a lot of hot young talent and their gun laws are often referred to as the country’s worst. Expect them to go far. 5:1

3. Montana – Last year’s #1 seat and Flyover League champion Montana is poised to make a huge splash in this year’s tournament. They went from underdogs to juggernauts in the league with a toxic mix of wannabe cowboys, white supremacist militia hate groups, and doomsday preppers. As we learned last year – Montana has the nation’s highest concentration of racist hate groups (after all, they are the home of Richard Spencer) as well as the highest concentration of gun manufacturers. And yes, Frank Zappa might be moving to Montana to start a dental floss farm, but if you live in fear of getting shot, this state might not be the state for you.
Smoking Gun: Montana's *SOLE* representative is journalist body slamming tough guy wannabe douchebag Greg Gianforte, if that's any indication of how violent they are.
Betting Prediction: Montana’s strong finish as league champions last year left them exhausted, but they could see a return to the top if healthy enough. 5:1.

4. Arizona – Last year’s conference champion got an extra upgrade when they kicked Sheriff Joe to the curb. But now he’s back and running for Senate! Yes, these guys never seem to go away but with the news of one of the worst sheriffs in the country and a guy who will look the other way if you take your AK on a dinner date is running for senate! Expect that the batshit and the bullets will fly as they work their way up to a comeback as conference champions!
Smoking Gun: Arizona has the highest concentration of freeway shootings in the country, and the guy who sold the Vegas shooter ammo bought his weapons in Arizona.
Betting Prediction: Arizona lost in a shoot out to Montana last year, but they went back to the drawing board and got a lot of hot young talent. Expect them to go far. 2:1.

[font size="6"]The Bracket [/font]

Here’s the bracket:

And here’s the schedule.

[font size="6"]Next Week [/font]

For the first round of the tournament – it’s a battle for the batshit as #1 Iowa takes on #2 Kentucky, while in the Flyover League, it’s a duel to the death as #3 Montana takes on #4 Arizona in a rematch of last year’s conference championship.

[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Weird Al Yankovic[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, the world’s greatest song parodist and satirist has graced us with his presence! His latest album is called “Mandatory Fun”. You can see him this summer everywhere on the “Ridiculously Self Indulgent, Ill-Advised Vanity Tour”. Playing his song called “First World Problems”, give it up for Weird Al Yankovic!

We are off next week, we’ll be back on Wednesday, March 21st with a brand new edition and the tip off of Stupidest State 2018!

See you in two weeks!


Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Flappers Comedy Club, Burbank, CA
Special Thanks To: Flappers Management
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Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
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Research: Top 10 Research Department
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HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Stupidest State Tournament Selection Sunday Hosting: Microsoft Theater, Los Angeles, CA
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Weird Al Appears Courtesy Of: Island Records
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management

Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

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Reply Top 10 Conservative Idiots #4-9: Give My Regards To Mr. Magoo Edition (Original post)
Initech Mar 2018 OP
malaise Mar 2018 #1
Initech Mar 2018 #2
malaise Mar 2018 #3
Initech Mar 2018 #4

Response to Initech (Original post)

Wed Mar 7, 2018, 06:09 PM

1. K & R

It's 5.00pm and it's Wednesday - it's Initech and the Top 10 Conservative Idiots

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Response to malaise (Reply #1)

Wed Mar 7, 2018, 08:44 PM

2. Damn staight!

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Response to Initech (Reply #2)

Wed Mar 7, 2018, 09:08 PM

3. Enjoying

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Response to malaise (Reply #3)

Mon Mar 12, 2018, 01:19 PM

4. I made a conference change!

Missouri beat Ohio in a one game playoff.

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