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Wed Jan 24, 2018, 06:00 PM

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #4-3: Wheel Of Corruption & The Sorcerers Stone Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #4-3: Wheel Of Corruption & The Sorcerer’s Stone Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Now get 1.5% cash back and double airline points on select offers when you open an account with Idiots Financial! We are back everybody! We’re hanging out in San Francisco this week as part of Sketchfest! Yay, my favorite time of year is upon us. No, it’s not the Super Bowl. Yeah if the Patriots are in it, I’m already out. Sorry. What? We’ve seen Belicheck in 11 Super Bowls now! Isn’t it time we get someone new for the AFC? Yeah moving on! I’m of course talking about the time of year that the Golden Raspberry Awards are announced! You of course know them better as the Razzies. Last year, sweet justice was made during the Razzie awards when Dinesh D’Souza got his ass handed to him for his Hillary hatefest “Hillary’s America”. Well, the year that followed of course saw no shortage of crap in the cinema world. So in case you want to know what the worst of the worst are in 2017 cinema, here you go, and can I get a drum roll please? Thank you! The nominees are Transformers: The Last Knight, The Emoji Movie, Fifty Shades Darker, The Mummy, and Baywatch. I predict the odds on favorite to be The Emoji Movie with a 6% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. But I think the Razzie academy is going to favor the Transformers flicks just to complete the cycle, if the fifth movie really is the final one. After all, past Transformers movies have almost always won because they are terrible movies. Although I will put money on Michael Bay for Worst Director, Tyler Perry and the Worn Out Wig for Worst Screen Combo, and I will also put money on Boo! 2 for Worst Remake, Rip-off, or Sequel. But there’s some pretty strong competition in that category. All right I’m getting carried away here. We got a lot of idiocy to cover, but first we got to play Saturday Night Live’s brilliant game show from last week called “Does It Even Matter Anymore?”:

DISCLAIMER: By the way, before we begin this week – a disclaimer. Yes, we need to talk seriously for a minute. We are *NOT* going to cover the religious shitbags from Perris, California, who tortured their 14 children. That story is way too horrifying to make fun of. And making fun of it would be beneath us. We got a lot of requests for it, but this is a comedy show, not a horror movie. We have to keep things eh… somewhat tasteful. Which is why we're also not covering the Larry Nassar news either. So please don’t ask. Now on with the show!

God this was an insane week for idiocy and we got to start somewhere. I know – let’s bring back the Wheel Of Corruption! Yay! And this time we’re going to be paying tribute to the Harry Potter series of both books and movies. in the first slot we’re going to recap the women’s march. So we’re going to start the week with some good news for a change! Yes, the best signs and the craziest statistics from Saturday’s protest. In the second slot is of course Donald Trump (2). So what do you do when your government is shut down and all you’re doing is blaming the other side? I know! Hold a black tie gala at Mar-A-Shithole for your one year anniversary in office! In the third slot is also Donald Trump (3), and we know the news of his physical are out and it’s old news by now but it’s still spectacular. In the fourth slot is the GOP because the shut down is insane, and of course as I said before they’re blaming the other side, because that’s what happens when you can’t get any work done! In the fifth slot is of course our weekly sermon on all things holy – Holy Shit, and this time, we’re going to recap the March For Life, which happened over the weekend, and it was absolutely insane. Really, a new low for the Christian right. At number 6 is the Alt Right (6). So Chelsea Manning is running for the US Senate as a democrat, but whose side is she really on? All shall be revealed! At number 7 is the state of Hawaii (7) which is usually a pretty liberal state. But they made some colossal fuck ups during last week’s Hawaii Missile Crisis (7) and it is more insane than you would think! In the number 8 slot is a brand new installment of “This Fucking Guy” and this week, we’re naming religious right activist and “Fire Fighter Prophet” Mark Taylor as “This Fucking Guy”. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!!) slot, we’ve got a new installment of People Are Dumb, because, well, People Are Dumb. Finally this week we’re continuing the Shithole Edition of our World Tour 2018 and we’re going to the Caribbean to visit the beautiful island nation of Haiti! Is it as fucked up as Trump says it is? Well there’s only one way to find out! Plus we’ve got some live music for the ladies this week as the beautiful and talented Lana Del Rey is going to be joining us! Yay! The kids love Lana, don’t they? Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Women’s March Recap
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Come on audience say it with me! It’s time for the: WHEEL OF CORRUPTION! YAY!!!!

It’s been a while since we broke out the Wheel O’ Corruption! Of course you know the rules by now – I spin the wheel and we have to talk about whatever it lands on. Of course if it lands on the guacamole option, you know that it costs $1.50 extra. And it’s a new year and we have some new items on the wheel! So the Pirates theme from last year is done and this year we’re paying tribute to the Harry Potter franchise! Yes there will be plenty of magic and butter beer a flowing at the Top 10 set this year!

- Guns
- Abortion
- Crime
- Poverty
- Chance
- 5,000
- Infowars
- Nazis
- Go Directly To Jail
- Buy A Vowel
- North Korea
- Lawsuits
- Whammy
- Donald Trump
- People Are Dumb
- ‘Merica!
- How Is This Still A Thing?
- A Random Tweet
- 10,000
- Community Chest
- Talk Shows
- Clip Without Context
- Something Random In The News
- Fox News
- Polls
- Chance
- Nukes
- Protests
- Intermission
- 15,000
- Bankrupt
- Golf
- Butter Beer
- Community Chest
- Florida (Obviously)
- This Fucking Guy
- Beating A Dead Horse
- Holy Shit
- Guacamole ($1.50 Extra)
- Harry Potter
- T-Shirt Cannon
- ? (Mystery Item)
- I Need A Drink
- Lightning Round
- Bonus Spin

Let’s get this going! Spin that shit! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! Something random in the news!

Russian police searching for illegal weapons in a St Petersburg house faced a scaly surprise in the basement: a two-metre (6.5ft) Nile crocodile.

Police said the reptile did not cause any injuries - but now they must find a new home for it. Russian media say the house is used by a nationalist group.

A stockpile of illegal arms was found in the raid, in the city's Peterhof suburb, RIA Novosti news reports.

It included explosive devices and copies of Kalashnikov assault rifles.


Come on, Florida. Florida’s St. Petersburg has nothing on the OG St. Petersburg. Oh yeah? Come at me bro! Spin it again! And it lands on… protests! So you know this week the Women’s March was held this week and it was a pretty awesome sight. Even our own Commander In Chief actually showered the protestors with praise. Yes, you read that correctly! Something positive coming from @realDonaldTrump!

So that happened. But then of course Trump slipped back into his usual routine of Big Macs, retweeting Fox News, and bashing democrats. So what happened at the march exactly?

A year after millions of people turned out for the Women’s March and took to the streets en masse to protest President Trump’s inauguration, demonstrators gathered on Saturday in cities across the United States, galvanized by their disdain for Mr. Trump and his administration’s policies.

A deluge of revelations about powerful men abusing women, leading to the #MeToo moment, has pushed activists to demand deeper social and political change. Progressive women are eager to build on the movement and translate their enthusiasm into electoral victories in this year’s midterm elections.

Here are some highlights:

• More than 200,000 protesters attended the march in New York on Saturday, according to Mayor Bill de Blasio. Mayor Eric Garcetti of Los Angeles said 600,000 attended the march there, while organizers of the Chicago march said 300,000 attended that event. Thousands also turned out in Washington, Philadelphia, Austin and hundreds of other cities and towns around the country and world.

• Several speakers urged women to channel their energy into helping Democrats win races in the upcoming midterm elections. A rally called “Power to the Polls,” organized by the leaders of last year’s Women’s March in Washington, will be held on Sunday in Las Vegas.

Ya see that, Trump? We’re coming for ya! And we’re also coming for your lackies! But of course every protest comes with some creative protest signs and we’re going to run down some of the best of them for you here from all over the country.


That last one is my personal favorite. So this might be one of the craziest statistics for the Women’s March. We go to the Canadian province of Nova Scotia for this one!

It might not have been the biggest women's march in the country, but by all accounts, the turnout in the remote Nova Scotia community of Sandy Cove was impressive.

The rural village, population 65, had 32 people turn out to walk along the only stretch of the highway — and the outpouring of support on social media has been pouring in.

Yeah Trump that’s right! Although to give Nova Scotia the benefit of the doubt, I’m sure the other 23 people couldn’t get their snowmobiles working! Hey o! But this thing is trending because we have the world’s biggest misogynist in the White House. Don’t worry – we’ll get to what he did with a copy of Forbes in a minute. But what would a massive protest be without some protesting coming from the opposite side?

Sandy Rios, a Religious Right radio host and American Family Association figure, said the 2018 Women’s March was “a very ugly thing” and that women who attended it “become ugly” because they “are acting outside of the realm of God’s parameters.”

On Monday, Rios was discussing news that circulated over the weekend about a FISA memo that Rep. Devin Nunes sent to Speaker Paul Ryan that right-wing activists have demanded to be declassified. Her commentary took a turn, however, when she mentioned that the second organized Women’s March also happened in major cities this weekend.

“I’m not a guy, so I don’t have to worry about my political correctness. I am ashamed of the women of my generation. I have been for a long time. I just don’t understand their foolishness and I don’t understand why more of us weren’t deeply grounded in not only God’s word, but the principles of God’s word, about the moral behavior that is beneficial to us as well as our daughters,” Rios said.

“It’s a very ugly thing. It is a very ugly thing when women behave in this way. They become ugly. They don’t become like men with all the privileges. They just become ugly, because they are not—they are acting outside of the realm of God’s parameters. And what God designed is what’s best,” Rios said.

Of course leave it to the Christian right to pee on someone’s ice cream. After all it’s their job! I mean really this is what you have to believe to be a Christian in Trump’s America. I give you our old buddy Dave Daubenmire who really turns up the crazy and goes full Hitler. Don’t ever go full Hitler:

Religious Right activist Dave Daubenmire spent a portion of his “Pass The Salt Live” webcast this morning complaining that people like Ben Shapiro, Laura Ingraham, Ann Coulter and Kellyanne Conway are hailed as conservative leaders despite the fact that they do not live what Daubenmire believes to be a proper Christian lives.

After railing that groups like Focus on the Family have been infiltrated “by homo sympathizers” and essentially neutralized, Daubenmire warned that the entire conservative movement is being infested by leaders who do not adhere to true Christian values.

Daubenmire, whose unabashed anti-Semitism is well-known, said that while Ben Shapiro is very intelligent and terrific at spreading the conservative movement’s message, he can’t fully trust anything he says because he is Jewish.

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Let’s spin the wheel shall we? Wheel goes round, wheel goes round… where it stops, nobody knows! And it lands on… clip without context!

I think someone needs to educate Mr. Trump on how that whole “giving birth” thing works! Spin it again! Donald Trump. Before we get into this one, a disclaimer.

Ugh… do we really have to talk about this one? I had to take a cold shower after talking about it in rehearsals. I’m having a sit in! No, make me! Hey this is my show! Excuse me a minute! Fine, fuck it, but you owe me one, Carlos! Yes, Carlos is our executive producer here. And he’s making me tell the story of Stormy Daniels. Yeah… we know. So here’s what went down.

President Donald Trump allegedly had an adult film star spank him with a Forbes magazine featuring a picture of his face on the cover, according to email correspondence unearthed this week.

Trump's alleged former mistress, Stormy Daniels, made headlines after reports emerged earlier last week that the president's personal attorney Michael Cohen arranged a $130,000 payment to her a month before the 2016 election to keep quiet about a year-long affair with Trump.

Mother Jones uncovered further details regarding the alleged affair in a string of emails on Thursday.

Both Andrea Dubé, a New Orleans-based consultant, and a second anonymous consultant, confirmed to the New York Daily News that the emails are "100%" authentic.

Must come clean! Dirt’s not coming off! Well, on the plus side, millions of guys everywhere are now relieved that they can search for Stormy Daniels from their work PC! I don’t even want to picture a naked Trump getting spanked. But there’s more to this whole, extremely horrible story!

It had been more than 24 hours since something insane and disturbing had emerged about pornographic actress Stormy Daniels’ alleged 2006-era affair with Donald Trump, which was a long time by this fast-evolving story’s standards, but Mother Jones has now delivered the goods:

According to 2009 emails between political operatives who were at the time advising Daniels on a possible political campaign, [Daniels] claimed that her affair with Trump included an unusual act: spanking him with a copy of Forbes magazine.

The Forbes issue in question, MoJo goes on to report, may have featured Trump and his children Don Jr. and Ivanka on its cover. And when taken in context, this bizarre detail may go further to confirm Daniels’ story than anything that’s been reported elsewhere, because she apparently disclosed it casually—rather than as part of any premeditated media strategy—after someone she was working with on a potential Senate campaign (!) in Louisiana happened to see Trump’s number in her phone. From Mother Jones again:

According to a May 8, 2009, email written by an operative advising Daniels, who asked not to be identified, Daniels at one point scrolled through her cellphone contacts to provide her consultants with a list of [potential donors] … on the list: Donald Trump.

The operative later wrote the following to a professional acquaintance:

“She says one time he made her sit with him for three hours watching ‘shark week.’ Another time he had her spank him with a Forbes magazine.”

Who knew Trump was a Shark Week fan? “I love all sharks, OK? Because Sharks are the best and we all know they kill for fun!”. So let’s get this straight – the Christian right – the people who protect the “sanctity of marriage” are perfectly OK with a guy who cheats on his third wife and asks to be spanked with a copy of a magazine with his picture on it, because, Jesus. Well, just ask Mike Pence!

Vice President Mike Pence says reports that an adult film star had an alleged affair with President Trump are "baseless allegations."

Pence spoke to The Associated Press during a visit to Jerusalem on Monday. He said he was "not going to comment on the latest baseless allegations against the president."

The Wall Street Journal reported that Mr. Trump's personal lawyer brokered a payment to pornographic actress Stormy Daniels in October 2016 to prohibit her from publicly discussing the alleged affair before the presidential election.

Daniels' real name is Stephanie Clifford. Mr. Trump's attorney, Michael Cohen, has denied there was any relationship. He gave the Journal a statement from "Stormy Daniels" denying receiving "hush money."

That GIF of him with the microphone suddenly seems very dirty doesn’t it? But here’s the best part about this – when you suddenly become Trump famous, as Stormy Daniels did, where is the best place to go? Why… a strip club! And it was quite the party!

Year two of the Trump presidency began here overnight much like year one had ended: with his alleged ex-mistress smashing people's faces into her bare chest at a strip club between an airport and a cemetery.

Adult film star Stormy Daniels, who once claimed to have slept with Donald Trump not long after he married Melania, performed at 11 p.m. Saturday - the anniversary of his inauguration - and 1 a.m. Sunday here on the outskirts of town.

"HE SAW HER LIVE," the Trophy Club's flier said. "YOU CAN TOO!"

The federal government remained shut down, but Daniels was open for business.

She had received $130,000 in hush money days before the 2016 election as part of a payment arranged by a Trump attorney, according to the Wall Street Journal. And now Daniels was capitalizing on her new notoriety sparked by the revelation, though Trump's attorney had issued a statement in which he and Daniels denied the payment and, on Saturday night, Daniels was largely silent in that regard.


Dude republicans, allow me to teach you about what a sex scandal is. Sure, what Bill Clinton did or was accused of doing was bad, but this guy is the president and did this! So where’s the family values crowd at to denounce what Trump did? I know! Just ask Franklin Graham!

William Franklin Graham III, the son of evangelical televangelist Billy Graham, denied any hypocrisy from Christians supporting President Donald Trump.

Graham, the president and CEO of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association, was questioned by MSNBC “Live” anchor Alex Witt on Saturday.

Witt asked Graham how he could support President Trump after his sh*thole comments.

“He said he didn’t say it,” Graham said. “I don’t think any of those senators, if he did use that language, have heard that word for the first time. I’m sure that’s a word they’ve used before, I think there’s a little hypocrisy here.

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font]

Let’s spin that shit! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy stop! Butter beer! Come on let’s bring that shit out!

Yeah because my beer needs more sugar and fat in it! Let’s try this… Mmm! Man I needed that after that last entry! All right, spin it again! And it lands on… Donald Trump. Again? Yeah he’s in the news about 100 times a day every day. So when you’re faced with the threat of a government shut down, and you’re president Donald J. Trump, what do you do? I know! Throw a $50K a plate ass kissing fundraising shindig! And from that last entry, we all know how much Trump loves his ass getting kissed, right?

With the government shut down, President Donald Trump isn't going to Mar-a-Lago as he planned for his high-dollar fundraiser Saturday night.

But the party for supporters to celebrate the one-year anniversary of his inauguration will still go on, according to a person involved with the fundraiser.

Given the impasse on government spending, planners of the event were told it's unlikely Trump will make it to West Palm Beach to attend it himself.

Instead, Trump's son and daughter-in-law, Eric and Lara Trump, and Republican National Committee Chairwoman Ronna McDaniel will now be headlining the fundraising gala, another person familiar with the event told CNN. The President will address the event via a video message he recorded Saturday at the White House, a person familiar with the video says.

Yes talk about excessive greed being on display here. I mean come on, your government run by your party has been shut down, because, reasons. And what are you doing but enjoying getting your ass kissed? And I hope that’s all the Mar-A-Shithole patrons are doing! But like all things Trump does, it went south very quickly. And here’s why.

A customer slammed Mar-a-Lago as a disgrace after a culinary faux pas this weekend.

On Sunday, Instagram user vacayinbae posted a photo apparently taken at Mar-a-Lago's restaurant. President Donald Trump has owned Mar-a-Lago since the 1980s, and frequently visits the restort.

"I hate to do this, but this is a total #disgrace , #shame on #maralago , you can’t serve caviar with plastic spoons!" the caption reads. "Please offer your caviar with mother of pearl spoons and dishes!"

Oh come on… plastic spoons with expensive caviar? I mean come on, knowing Trump would he even serve expensive caviar? He’d probably go get Angry Norweigian brand caviar from Costco and try to pass it off as his own, I mean look who we’re talking about here. I mean would you be shocked to learn that he rented his own ballroom to himself?

President Donald Trump's posh Mar-a-Lago Club is set to host a high-priced gala on Saturday night intended to celebrate Trump's first year in office and raise money for his reelection campaign and the Republican National Committee.

Tickets start at $100,000 per couple, Bloomberg News reported.

The guest of honor, however, will not be there. With the government shut down and Congress in negotiations, Trump postponed his scheduled departure from Washington. But he will still make money.

By holding the event at his own club, Trump will be able to collect tens of thousands of dollars in fees for food, ballroom rental and other costs. In effect, he will have transformed his supporters' political donations into revenue for his business.

Thanks Twilight Zone guy, but we don’t have to imagine it. It’s already here! So we already showed you that the $50K a plate dinner gets you cheap caviar served with a spork! Well it’s slightly more classy than a plastic spoon! And we all know how much Trump loves KFC. But wait, there’s more! So much more!

President Donald Trump is hosting a party at his Mar-a-Lago resort to mark the first anniversary of his inauguration this weekend, and tickets aren’t cheap, starting at $100,000 a pair.

That $100,000 buys dinner as well as a photo with Trump during the Saturday party, according to an invitation to the event reported by Bloomberg. Spend $250,000 for a pair of tickets and you also get an opportunity to participate in a roundtable.

It remains to be seen what happens to the party if Congress fails to avert a government shutdown by a Friday night deadline. Trump had planned to spend the weekend in Mar-a-Lago, but the White House said Friday morning that he won’t leave Washington if the government shuts down.

The captain’s table? What an honor! Yes, thank you sir! One guy in the audience going “woo!”. But wait, there’s more! So apparently Mar-A-Lago isn’t exactly a shithole, at least according to Fox News Barbie, Jeanine Pirro (now with 50% more safe spaces!) :

Jeanine Pirro, host of Fox News Channel's Justice with Judge Jeanine, opened her remarks to the packed ballroom with a poke at the profane word the president allegedly used do describe Haiti and countries in Africa.

"Welcome to Mar-a-Lago. A magnificent place. It sure ain't no s***hole!"

Pirro spoke for about 15 mintues and inspired a rally-like response of “Lock her up!” with her criticism of Hillary Clinton.

Pirro’s praise of the president’s decision to move the U.S. embassy to Jerusalem drew applause and brought some guests to their feet. Pirro called out the Justice Department as corrupt and said a Clinton presidency would have destroyed America.

By the way in case you’re wondering what the costs to fly Trump back and forth to Mar-A-Shithole are, well, these numbers were just released:

And you thought your New Year’s Eve was pricey.

The Secret Service spent $26,457.28 to rent lights, generators, tables and tents from companies near President Donald Trump’s Florida estate, signing contracts that all ended early in the new year.

Five lease contracts between three Palm Beach companies—C3 Consulting Group, Grimes Events & Party Tents and United Rentals—and the government agency charged with protecting the president ended January 2, according to records from the Federal Procurement Data System. A sixth contract ended January 1.

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font]

Let’s spin that shit! Wheel goes round, wheel goes round… and it lands on… clip without context!

Because that was the real underlying meaning of what MLK was trying to say – go fuck yourself! Yeah thank you! Spin it again! Donald Trump! Really? That’s three in a row now! I thought the wheel was supposed to be random, no? So we wanted to do this last week but finished with the edition before the story went to press. Donald Trump’s physical was released and would you be surprised that he’s lying about it?

President Trump is in excellent health with "no indication" of "any cognitive issues" — but he could afford to lose a few pounds and start exercising over the coming year, according to the president's physician.

Dr. Ronny Jackson, a Navy rear admiral who directs the White House medical unit, conducted Trump's annual physical last Friday. He told reporters on Tuesday that the president's cardiac health is strong and that there are no concerns about any memory or cognitive issues.

"I found no evidence that the president has any issues whatsoever with his thought process," Jackson told reporters during Tuesday's White House briefing.

Well yeah he actually is wrong in this case! I mean how can he be the healthiest man in the world and say that with a straight face? “I’m the healthiest man in the world, OK? Nobody is healthier than I am! Can I have another Big Mac please? Oh there’s where I found the remote!” .

A White House physician declared Tuesday that President Donald Trump is in “excellent” overall health and that he performed “well” on a cognitive screening exam, while noting the commander in chief could benefit from a low-fat diet and additional exercise.

“All clinical data indicates that the president is currently very healthy and that he will remain so for the duration of his presidency,” Dr. Ronny Jackson said at the daily White House news briefing during a nearly hourlong question-and-answer period with reporters.

Jackson added that during the physical on Friday at the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center, he performed some cognitive testing at the president's behest and that Trump “did well on it.” He noted the exam was limited to a screening for cognitive impairment and was not part of a larger psychological examination.

Trump, according to Jackson, is 6-foot-3, 239 pounds. The doctor said that he and Trump discussed losing weight and exercising, which he recommended, and that the president expressed “he would like to lose 10 to 15 pounds.”

Well yeah obviously! I mean have you seen the guy? Dude can barely waddle up a hill trying to chase a golf ball! And I mean come on, anyone who eats 2500 calories worth of McDonalds in one sitting can’t be what one would call “petite”. But seriously how reliable is the White House doctor?

The numbers don’t lie, unless they do. After much resistance and under increasing pressure, President Trump’s White House this week allowed Rear Admiral Ronny Jackson, the White House doctor, to release results from a physical examination.

How’d Trump do? Well, that’s tricky to answer. Trump’s opposition and the media have been asking two fundamentally impolite questions for years: Is he fat? And is he nuts? As a candidate and as president, Trump has accused his opponents of mental and physical illness. Normal presidencies tend to release medical records to journalists who cover that beat. But last year wasn’t a normal campaign, and this hasn’t been a normal presidency.

Whether the president is healthy has consequences on the stability of the nation, but that knowledge has been hard to come by. Complicating things further, the answers to those impolite but salient questions aren’t, it turns out, straightforward—for anyone, not just a president.

OK so maybe Trump is healthy. Or isn’t he? I mean come on, all we want to do is see his long form girth certificate! Does Trump weigh 239 pounds or is he fatter than a house? We don’t know! I’m just asking questions here, damn it! I want to know about Trump’s weight! I’m a girther! Excuse me a minute… I love that graphic! But what about his mental health? Surely there’s something there!

WASHINGTON — President Trump’s White House physician said Tuesday that the president received a perfect score on a cognitive test designed to screen for neurological impairment, which the military doctor said was evidence that Mr. Trump does not suffer from mental issues that prevent him from functioning in office.

“I’ve found no reason whatsoever to think the president has any issues whatsoever with his thought processes,” Dr. Ronny L. Jackson, a rear admiral in the Navy and the White House physician, told reporters on Tuesday.

Mr. Trump’s first physical examination as president was highly anticipated, in part because of an increasing number of public questions about his sometimes erratic behavior during his first year in office. A book published this month, “Fire and Fury” by Michael Wolff, asserted that even Mr. Trump’s own advisers and associates questioned the president’s fitness for office.

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait. Wait. Wait. So you’re saying that there’s nothing wrong with his mental health either? He’s just naturally a raging asshole? Well I guess a diet of cheeseburgers, well done steak and Fox News on the TV 24/7 will do that to you! But how is he the healthiest man alive? This is beyond science!

The results of President Trump’s first formal medical exam since taking office were announced Tuesday, and the big news was that the physician involved, Navy Rear Adm. Ronny L. Jackson, said the 71-year-old president received a perfect score on a cognitive test. However, other announced results were also of interest, particularly to those who couldn’t help but notice that Trump was listed at 6-3 and 239 pounds.

Of course, sports fans are often very well-versed in athletes’ heights and weights, and they are aware that those listed numbers don’t always precisely correlate with reality. For example, Kevin Durant is famously taller than his listed height of 6-9, and toward the end of his playing days, Shaquille O’Neal was widely thought to be far heavier than his listed weight of 324 pounds.

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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font]

Spin it to win it! And it lands on… wait for it… Intermission!

And we’re back! Spin it again! Holy Shit! Hit it! Gather around, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! Because our mission statement here at the Top 10 is to find out why the holiest among us are also the ones who are the most full of:

So of course my fair sons and daughters, you know by now that our mission statement here at the Holy Church Of The Top 10 is to find out why the most devoted of us are also the most batshit fucking crazy! So the Christian right reached an unparalleled new low this week. And you know how it’s a new low? Because excessive greed is involved! I give you Pastor Kenneth J. Copeland!

Texas televangelist Kenneth Copeland once called flying in a commercial airplane “getting in a long tube with a bunch of demons.”

His answer to a prayer arrived last week in the form of a sleek Gulfstream V private jet that Kenneth Copeland Ministries bought — for cash — from actor and filmmaker Tyler Perry.

The ministry did not disclose the purchase price. But AV Buyer says it has the “lowest-priced Gulfstream V on the market” listed at $5.9 million, while other used ones are listed on various websites for up to $12 million and more.

The jet, one church member said, is “the plane the Lord had set aside” for the ministry, based in Newark, Texas.

Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Yeah so while many of us are hurting, Pastor Snowflake rides around in a private jet paid for by generous contributions! And by the way, I guarantee there’s no rewards program for that! Because GREED IS A SIN! AND SINS MUST BE CLEANSED IN THE NAME OF JAYSUS!!!! CAN I GET AN AMEN???? But changing subjects, we need to talk about the movie industry for a minute! Yes – not even movies are immune!

Having last week railed against the film “The Shape Of Water” for supposedly promoting “cross-species mating,” extremist anti-LGBTQ pastor Kevin Swanson turned his attention to the newest Star Wars film, “The Last Jedi,” on today’s radio program.

Predictably, Swanson was not impressed with the film’s “feminist edge” or its basic “violation of the biblical ordinance that the husband is head of the wife.”

“The feminists are head over heels in love with this one,” Swanson lamented. “It’s a bit of a feminist fest with very little artistic story telling involved … It was a great vehicle to continue to educate the world towards feminism, and feminism is ultimately the individuation of the family, the destruction of the family, and the violation of the biblical ordinance that the husband is head of the wife. So that is fundamentally being eroded in the minds of our 13-and 14-year-old girls as they watch these movies.”

Yes you get nothing! Because even the Lord Baby Jesus, creator of all that is good and holy, has had quite enough of your nonsense, there, Kevin. And someone want to point out to Pastor Kevin that The Last Jedi is a fucking movie? Thank you! By the way how great is the Top 10 Gospel Choir? Can I get an amen for them? So let’s change subjects again. Our good buddy Alex Jones is also apparently on the side of GAWD!!! Because apparently Trump is no longer a member of the illuminati!

Today President Trump delivered a speech via satellite to anti-choice protesters at the annual March for Life in Washington, which conspiracy theorist radio host Alex Jones interpreted to be irrefutable proof that Trump is not a member of the Illuminati.

On Infowars radio today, Jones told listeners that the supposed globalist regime running the world are supportive of abortion rights because “it’s their whole cult, it’s their whole system.” Trump showing support for March for Life attendees, Jones derived, erases all doubt that Trump is a member of the Illuminati, a supposed secret society that colludes to run the world.

“When you go after that like he’s doing, there is no way he’s with the Illuminati. There’s no way he’s with this system. There is no way, no way, and he’d be doing this. Zero. Zero,” Jones said.

Jones went on to explain that both he and “the churches” already had a gut feeling that Trump was not part of the secret cabal ruling the world, before incorrectly retelling the biblical tale of King David.

Yes, even JAYSUS is saying that is a cool story bro! Because really Alex, how do you know if Trump is still in the illuminati or not? That’s what they want you to think! While staying on the subject of the March For Life, would it surprise you that the people who are against abortion know nothing about science? Because ignorance is a sin in the church of the Top 10!

Yesterday, in another nod to anti-abortion-rights activists, President Trump issued a proclamation declaring the 45th anniversary of the Roe v. Wade decision to be “National Sanctity of Human Life Day.” It seems safe to say that the president did not even read the proclamation, much less have any hand in writing it, as it offers various lofty thoughts about equality and dignity that are at odds with the president’s policy priorities of preventing immigration from “shithole countries,” turning away refugees and dismantling the health care system.

Trump has given the anti-choice movement his support for their agenda of criminalizing abortion. In return, the movement has given up any credibility it might have had in portraying itself as concerned for human rights and dignity. But all that is brushed under the rug in yesterday’s proclamation, which begins with a declaration of the “love and protection” that “each person, born and unborn, deserves regardless of disability, gender, appearance, or ethnicity” and an insistence that “no class of people should ever be discarded as ‘non-human’”:

Because IGNORANCE IS A SIN!!!!! AND SINS MUST BE CLEANSED IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY! CAN I GET AN AMEN??? But while on the subject of abortion, are these the people we really want running the HHS? I can say they are the devil!

At the Evangelicals for Life conference in Washington, D.C., on Thursday, Travis Wussow of the Southern Baptists’ Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission asked a panel to talk about wins for abortion-rights opponents in President Trump’s first year.

Focus on the Family’s Vice President for External Relations Tim Goeglein said the biggest win was the nomination and confirmation of Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch, whose swearing-in Goeglein attended. Goeglein also celebrated the number of Trump-nominated judges who have been confirmed by the U.S. Senate. There has never been, he said, “in the history of the presidency,” another year in which a president had 12 judges confirmed to the appeals courts. (The Senate Judiciary Committee this week continued its rush to approve even the most extreme and dangerously unqualified Trump nominees.) The confirmation of so many “pro-life” judges “less than a year into the Trump-Pence presidency,” he said, will make an “enormous” impact in the short, medium and long term.

Charles Camosy, an associate professor at Fordham University, celebrated the movement’s state-level wins, calling Ohio “a tremendous example”:

Ohio banned abortion after 20 weeks. Ohio banned abortion in the case where there was a Down Syndrome finding. And I think just last week I saw that their Senate passed a bill that will require pre-natal children to be buried the same as other kinds of children. We hope that passes as well.

Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Oh Jaysus! People who are the exact opposite of health providers are running the department of Health And Human Services! So there you have it! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:

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[font size="8"]The Alt Right
[br] [/font]

Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? And it lands on… wait for it… clip without context!

Cool story bro. Spin it again! And it lands on… The Alt Right. So unless you’re living under a rock you know that transgender activist Chelsea Manning has officially filed to be on the ballot for senator of Maryland in 2018. Now don’t applaud just yet! You should be aware of what it is you’re getting into should you decide to cast your vote for her!

Chelsea Manning, the transgender former Army private who was convicted of passing sensitive government documents to Wikileaks, has filed to run for the U.S. Senate in Maryland, according to federal election filings.

Manning, who did not immediately respond to a request for comment, would be challenging Ben Cardin, who has served two terms in the Senate. He was first elected in 2007.

Manning, 30, who is formerly known as Bradley Manning, was convicted in 2013 of the largest leak of classified documents in U.S. history and was sentenced to 35 years in prison. Last year, then President Obama commuted Manning’s sentence and she was released from a military prison.

Read more: https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/md-politics/chelsea-manning-files-to-run-for-us-senate-in-maryland/2018/01/13/6439f0d0-f88c-11e7-beb6-c8d48830c54d_story.html

In case you’re wondering that senate seat is currently occupied by Ben Cardin who also happens to be a member of the Senate Intelligence Committee. Gee, I wonder why Ms. Manning picked that particular seat? It’s not like she has a history of leaking classified intelligence documents or anything. Apparently though if you oppose her run, you also have an old white man fetish!

According to Glenn Greenwald this is absolutely the case because:

“ . . . Democrats [have] so quickly decided to back a white, straight male politician steeped in privilege, while devoting themselves to opposing a candidate who would make history by becoming the first trans woman ever elected to the U.S. Senate, in the process inspiring trans youth around the world and helping to erode the stigma that has made them so vulnerable to discrimination and violence?”

They’ve decided to do this presumably because they find Cardin’s centrist ideology and politics more appealing than Manning’s more radical politics, and believe that this trumps what could be the historic value of Manning’s candidacy. They’ve apparently decided to prioritize their own centrist ideology over the important gender, sexual orientation and trans equality progress that Manning’s victory would ensure.”

Yes that is completely unacceptable, ass! I mean really, Glenn? You have to go there? But it’s good to know that Ms. Manning has made some good friends – and you know what they say about judging people by the company they keep!

Chelsea Manning was caught mingling with Project Veritas’ James O’Keefe and a handful of hard right media strategists at a Hell’s Kitchen nightclub.

The event Manning and O’Keefe briefly spoke at was a gala hosted by conservative reporter Mike Cernovich—a regular host on Alex Jones’ Info Wars who previously peddled the Pizzagate conspiracy theory. In addition to O’Keefe and Cernovich, Manning met with former Vice Media co-founder Gavin Mcinnes, who launched the nationalist organization Proud Boys in 2016.

Guests at the event were predominately supporters of President Donald Trump.

“I fucking crashed!” Manning told Observer when asked whether her appearance at the party contradicted her platform as a leader of the anti-Trump resistance.

“Hell yeah!” Manning enthusiastically added.


Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!I wouldn’t exactly brag about hanging out with those clowns Cernovich and O’Keefe, there, Ms. Manning because they are what one would call “hostile”. But there is an underlying motive here! Apparently Ms. Manning was doing it to “collect intel”. Odd choice of words before committing political suicide there!

Chelsea Manning, the former whistleblower who is now running for the US Senate, is defending herself against accusations that she has forged links with the far right after she appeared at a pro-Trump party thrown by notorious conspiracy theorist Mike Cernovich.

In a tweet posted on Monday, Manning attempted to calm a storm of criticism that erupted after she was spotted at the Saturday event, dubbed “A Night for Freedom”, in New York. She insisted that her decision to turn up at the celebration of Donald Trump’s first year in the White House was an act of intelligence gathering designed to thwart what she called “fascists/alt-right”.

“I took an opportunity to gather intel on them b/c the ideology they peddle threatens everybody,” the tweet said.

Whether Manning has said enough to staunch the critical questions on social media remains to be seen. Her tweet made no mention of a photograph that was posted over the weekend that shows her crouching and smiling as part of a group shot that includes far-right activists and conspiracy theorists.

Oh yeah and in case you're wondering what *REALLY* happened when Chelsea partied with the alt right, or alt lite, or hard right, or whatever fucking name they're known by this week. Whatever, I don't care about these assholes. They are not our friends. But here's what happened:

Fairbanks asked the group whether it was alright to bring Manning. They were happy to have her. Mic was told by those in attendance, as well as Manning’s campaign staff, that she was never fully briefed on exactly who she would be hanging out with.

To call the attendees of the gala part of the “alt-right” is a delicate category error. The event was held by the leaders of the “alt-lite” or “new right,” a loose coalition of pro-Trump internet celebrities and new media stuntmen who, while avowedly anti-white nationalist, nevertheless advance anti-black, anti-Muslim and anti-immigrant talking points. Mike Cernovich, the party’s headlining host, built his reputation as a rape apologist blogger, was once charged with sexual assault and also famously advanced the “pizzagate” conspiracy theory.

For many on the left watching from home, however, the damage was done. By attending the event at all, Manning set herself up for accusations of co-signing a gala of pseudo-fascists and white supremacists.

Those on the right, on the other hand, were quick to brag about how civil they’d been to Manning, even as her Twitter mentions filled to the brim with transphobic abuse. For those who always considered Manning a traitor, the photos were evidence that she was a pox on progressive politics all along. And for purportedly left-leaning conspiracy theorists, the event became a part of a broader plot.

Fairbanks told Mic she’s now wracked with guilt, blaming herself for the damage and for pulling a vulnerable friend past the cameras and straight into a public relations catastrophe.

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[font size="8"]The State Of Hawaii
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Spin it to win it! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy stop! Chance!

$200!! Whew! I got my money!!! Spin it again! And it lands on… nukes! So as you know the State Of Hawaii has been in a bit of trouble over last week’s short lived Hawaii Missile Crisis. Yes, it’s a feature so big it has its’ own name and theme music. So now that the aftermath of the 30 insane minutes has begun to unfold, where do you go from there?

The governor of Hawaii wanted to inform the public that they would not die in a ballistic missile attack — but he forgot his Twitter password.

Gov. David Ige said Sunday that he could not access his Twitter account on the morning of Jan. 13 — while Hawaiians were reeling after receiving the false emergency missile alert on their cellphones.

“I have to confess that I don’t know my Twitter account log-ons and the passwords,” Ige said, according to the Honolulu Star-Advertiser.

“So certainly that’s one of the changes that I’ve made. I’ve been putting that on my phone so that we can access the social media directly.”

Seventeen minutes after the ballistic missile alert was sent to millions, the Hawaii Emergency Management Agency released a follow-up alert telling people it was a mistake.

Yeah you know of all the times you could have forgot your Twitter password, you pick that fucking time? I mean really? As if things couldn’t be more embarrassing enough, it’s great to see that the people of Hawaii are spending what could have been their last few minutes very wisely!

One Catholic family turned immediately to the rosary and the Blessed Mother for protection, and there were reports that as the dust began to settle from the panic, there were full pews for Sunday Mass the following day and long lines for Confession.

The Catholic parish attended by Dallas and Monica Carter and their five children in the Diocese of Honolulu was packed, a Catholic News Agency report said.

And aside from a full church that Sunday morning, the line for Confession was out the door, Dallas Carter said, with their friends from other parishes throughout the island reporting the same.

It’s something Carter has nicknamed #MissileConversions.


Well at least going to a Catholic confession isn’t the worst way you could spend your final hours if those really are your final hours! There’s far worse believe me, and Hawaii is an insight into what could happen if actual missiles were deployed. I bet the priests heard some whoppers. But then there’s this!

Well, that’s one way to celebrate not being killed in a nuclear blast.

Pornhub has gone viral in recent years for stunts like “plowing” snow-covered streets during blizzards. But lately, the site has also done more work with data: its end-of-year survey found that most Americans stopped masturbating during the August solar eclipse.

In its latest bit of probing analysis, Pornhub analyzed its traffic performance during last weekend’s missile alert in Hawaii. Not surprisingly, once the alert went out, the amount of visitors to the site plummeted. Within 15 minutes of the missile notification, traffic was down 77 percent compared to the previous two Saturdays.

But once the islanders realized it was a false alarm, they swarmed Pornhub to celebrate. Fifteen minutes after the second text went out, site traffic was up 48 percent compared to a typical Saturday.

Whew! False alarm people! We can go back to whacking it! Yeah! But it’s good to know the United States has made some good friends under the Trump administration! Because while Hawaii was in a state of pure panic and they should be, we’ve got some great friends up there in North Korea. Bet you didn’t think it was gonna be him, did you? And you think you’re so smart!

North Korean state media has issued a release mocking the US for having "nuclear-phobia" after several coincidental news stories has US citizens fearing a North Korean attack.

"Nuclear-phobia by the nuclear force of the DPRK has now caused a tragicomedy in the U.S.," a state-run outlet published, using the acronym for North Korea's formal name.

The article cites the recent errant ballistic missile alert in Hawaii as causing "great disarray" and "chaos." Likewise, a meteor that lit up the skies over Ohio and Michigan made people "greatly worried" that they were under nuclear attack, the article claims.


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[font size="8"]Mark Taylor
[br] [/font]

Spin that shit! No whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy stop! And it lands on… another clip without context!

Quick! To the pedophile mobile! Spin it again! And it lands on – This Fucking Guy!

I know we already did “Holy Shit” for this week, but I got to award this week’s “This Fucking Guy” award to Mark Taylor. In case you are wondering who the hell Mark Taylor is, he’s a batshit crazy ultra far right religious activist who calls himself a “fire fighter prophet”. Yeah that’s a thing apparently. And he says batshit crazy stuff like this:

Last Thursday, self-proclaimed “firefighter prophet” and right-wing conspiracy theorist Mark Taylor made yet another appearance on Sheila Zilinsky’s “Weekend Vigilante” podcast, where he claimed that former presidents might be executed as punishment from God for criticizing President Trump.

Citing his previous prophecy that of the five living former presidents, “two will be taken, three will be shaken” as retribution from God for supposedly attacking Trump when they gathered for an event to raise money for hurricane relief last year, Taylor linked that to his other prophecy that America will soon see the establishment of “military-style tribunals to deal with the treasonous acts that are being committed right now in the United States.”

Taylor claimed that these five presidents, whom he referred to as “the evil crew of 32,” based on the number of years they collectively held office, had made a covenant with Baal and the “New World Order/Illuminati” and now would be punished for attacking God’s anointed leader, Donald Trump.

“God’s judgment is literally falling,” Taylor said. “It’s not coming, it’s falling right now on these leaders across America and the church, these wicked leaders, and so the Lord is dealing out this righteous judgment.”

Yeah I think even Jesus is speechless at this one. So tell me Mark, which of the five presidents do you see being bumped off? Yeah I knew you wouldn’t answer that question! But this isn’t the only batshit crazy thing Mark has said. Even this week, or ever. You know the far right and Alt Right always need a boogeyman. Whether it’s the deep state, or the new world order, or the Illuminati. But according to Mark, a Hillary Clinton presidency would immediately surrender!

During his appearance on the “Omega Man Radio” program earlier this week, self-proclaimed “firefighter prophet” and right-wing conspiracy theorist Mark Taylor declared that if Hillary Clinton had been elected president in 2016, she would have handed America over to the New World Order and our nation would have been fully “Islamicized by 2021.”

“People keep saying America is under judgment,” Taylor said. “No it’s not, and I can tell you why. If America was under judgment, brother, Hillary Clinton would be the president and this thing would be over with.”

Taylor claimed that it was the stated goal of the New World Order/deep state/shadow government/Free Masons to turn America into a Muslim nation by 2021 and that Clinton would have finished the work started by President Obama.

You know one thing the religious right loves to do is role play. They have Roy Moore, who thinks he’s a cowboy. They have Dave Daubenmire, who thinks he’s a coach. And they also have Mark Taylor, who thinks he’s a fire fighter. Now just add a guy who thinks he’s a native American and you’ve got the Village People! Thank you! I love that graphic. But hey did you know that Obama might be arrested for treason? This year? We didn’t!

Self-proclaimed “firefighter prophet” and right-wing conspiracy theorist Mark Taylor was recently interviewed by Steve Strang for his Charisma magazine podcast, where he predicted that Barack Obama will soon be imprisoned for treason and that three members of the Supreme Court will be indicted and removed from office.

Taylor claims that he wrote a prophetic word in 2015 that “God was going to take down the Clintons and He is also going to take down Obama as well, Obama was going to be ripped and stripped of the presidency. Now, a lot of people thought that was going to be him being impeached and that is not what I sensed the Lord was saying. It was going to be after he was out of office, he would be charged with treason and he would end up going to prison for this, in which case he would be stripped of all titles of the presidency and I believe that is what you are going to see happen at this point.”

Taylor added that his prophecy that President Trump will get to replace five members of the Supreme Court may be tied to his other prophecy that Trump is about to unleash a wave of arrests against thousands of corrupt officials, many of whom are part of a massive satanic pedophile ring.

No, Mark, Jesus did not die for your stupidity. He died for your sins. Yes sins! And that's not even the craziest thing he's said this week! Mark is blaming the backlash on Trump because of - wait for it - hurricanes! Yes, he says that hurricanes might be god taking his wrath on people for daring to criticize Trump!

During his most recent appearance on Sheila Zilinsky’s “Weekend Vigilante” podcast, self-proclaimed “firefighter prophet” and right-wing conspiracy theorist Mark Taylor claimed that the hurricanes that struck the United States last year were “a training run” to prepare “the army of God” to exercise control over the witchcraft that is attacking President Trump.

Taylor repeated his contention that Hurricanes Harvey and Irma were created by the Illuminati as part of an “all-out assault on man,” but that God’s army fought back in the spiritual world and prevented Irma from devastating Florida.

“They have declared war on the people,” he said. “Witchcraft is behind the deep state, it is behind the shadow government, they are in the highest form of witchcraft on earth. So it is witchcraft that is behind this.”

Taylor asserted that prior to Irma’s landfall, forecasters struggled to predict its path because the storm was constantly shifting due to the spiritual warfare that was being waged between the witchcraft behind the storm and the Christians who were praying against it.

I love how they go from the image of an all knowing, all loving, extremely powerful god, to god is a hateful bastard in the span of one sentence! But even with all the crazy shit that Mark has said even in the last week, I think this might be the topper!

On Tuesday, self-proclaimed “firefighter prophet” and right-wing conspiracy theorist Mark Taylor appeared on the “Omega Man Radio” program, where he claimed that his prayers caused Hillary Clinton to collapse while leaving a 9/11 memorial service in 2016, which, he said, caused her to lose the presidential election.

Urging “the army of God” to come together “as a fighting force” on behalf of President Trump, Taylor cited the Clinton incident as proof of just how effective their prayers can be in winning political battles.

As Taylor tells it, he was asked by Mary Colbert to lead a nationwide prayer call on September 11, 2016, which he did by launching “a target focused prayer” asking God to “remove all those that are corrupt in our government and in leadership across this country, at every level of government.”

There you have it. A guy who thinks he’s a fire fighter urging people who think they’re warriors to fight for Trump. You really can’t make this shit up! That’s Mark Taylor, this week’s:

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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font]

Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin, shall we? Go directly to jail? Noooooooooooo!!!!!!


Let’s spin the wheel again! And it lands on: People Are Dumb! Hit it!

So who is dumb this week? There’s lots of ways we could go with this! I know let’s start in the great state of Rhode Island. Yes – no state or country anywhere is immune from stupid people. And this guy in particular is a rapper and one of his more popular songs is called “Sell Drugz” and you know what he was arrested for? He was arrested for – wait for it!

PROVIDENCE, R.I. (AP) -- A Rhode Island rapper whose songs include "Sell Drugsz" has been sentenced to three years in prison for doing just that.

Federal prosecutors say 30-year-old Michael Persaud, of Johnston, was sentenced Tuesday in federal court in Providence for trafficking heroin and fentanyl. His stage name is Montana Millz.

Prosecutors say an East Providence undercover detective bought nearly three-quarters of an ounce (22 grams) of fentanyl and a small amount of heroin from Persaud over a four-month period beginning in October 2016. Authorities also say they seized 1½ ounces (44 grams) of fentanyl from his home.

Persaud's lawyer, Matthew Smith, calls the sentence "fair and just." Prosecutors had asked for a six-year prison term.

Read more: http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_SELL_DRUGSZ_RIOL-?SITE=MOCAP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

Well, can’t fault the guy for a little truth in advertising! Really it doesn’t hurt anybody. Next in People Are Dumb – we go to the country of Thailand for this one. Yes, Thailand, the country synonymous with the happy ending, decided that it had enough of people going directly to the Prime Minister, so instead they came up with this rather ingenious solution:

Thailand's prime minister has taken a novel approach to avoiding questions at a news conference, by leaving a cardboard cutout to do the job.

Prayuth Chan-ocha briefly spoke to an audience outside Government House in Bangkok, before the life-sized replica was brought out.

"If you want to ask any questions on politics or conflict, ask this guy," Mr Prayuth said, then walked away waving.

Mr Prayuth led a military coup in 2014 and was named PM later that year.


And that said, the cardboard cut out still has more charisma than @realDonaldTrump. Thank you! But you know who else is dumb? How about technology! Yes, now you can track how fast you see a fart coming in real time on your smart phone! Science!

Scientists often hope to break ground with their research. But a group of Australian researchers would likely be happy with breaking wind.

The team developed an ingestible electronic capsule to monitor gas levels in the human gut. When it’s paired with a pocket-sized receiver and a mobile phone app, the pill reports tail-wind conditions in real time as it passes from the stomach to the colon. The researchers, led by Kourosh Kalantar-Zadeh of RMIT University and Peter Gibson of Monash University, reported their invention Monday in Nature Electronics.

The authors are optimistic that the capsule’s gas readings can help clear the air over the inner workings of our intricate innards and the multitudes of microbes they contain. Such fume data could clarify the conditions of each section of the gut, what microbes are up to, and which foods may cause problems in the system. Until now, collecting such data has been a challenge. Methods to bottle it involved cumbersome and invasive tubing and inconvenient whole-body calorimetry. Popping the electronic pill is a breeze in comparison. And early human trials have already hinted that the pill can provide new information about intestinal wind patterns and gaseous turbulence from different foods.

Next up in People Are Dumb, you know how those pharmaceutical ads always rattle off a million side effects from taking whatever drug they’re advertising? I don’t remember ever hearing this in those Viagra ads!

A NAKED tourist has been arrested after overdosing on Viagra before running around naked at an international airport.

United States resident Steve Cho wandered through the departure hall of Phuket International Airport in Thailand before stripping naked, yelling incoherently and throwing his own faeces at staff and terrified members of the public.

A statement from Phuket International Airport said: ‘’To control the situation and to prevent any danger that might happen to other passengers, the officers had to arrest the man.

‘’When he regained his composure he admitted that he took too many Viagra pills and lost consciousness."

Side effects of Viagra include streaking through an airport. Some other patients may experience the urge to throw their poo at unsuspecting people. Do not take if you experience this. Next up – our good friend Florida Man is back in the news! and you know what people – don’t mistake a bank drive through for a Taco Bell.

SPRING HILL — A 38-year-old Tampa man was arrested Wednesday on a charge of driving under the influence involving drugs or alcohol after deputies said he mistook a Bank of America drive-through for a Taco Bell.

The branch manager of the Mariner Boulevard bank said they saw Douglas Jon Francisco passed out in his blue Hyundai sedan while it sat in the drive-up bank lane, according to the Hernando County Sheriff’s Office. This was about 5 p.m. on Wednesday.

The manager said they started banging on the Hyundai’s window "for some time," according a deputy’s report, before Francisco finally woke up.

Then Francisco tried to order a burrito, deputies said. When Claussen told he was not, in fact, at a Taco Bell, deputies said he drove to the front parking lot. When deputies arrived, they said they found Francisco in the driver’s seat, the car still running.

Excuse me a minute… That was a perfect clip there! And finally this week for People Are Dumb – donuts! I reported on this guy a while ago, but in case you were wondering “where are they now”? I give you this!

There was a hole in his plan.

A former doughnut-eating champion was arrested in North Carolina last week after police said he broke into a Dunkin’ Donuts, the Virginian-Pilot newspaper reported.

Bradley Hardison, now 27, made national news in 2014 when he won a police-sponsored doughnut-eating contest in Elizabeth City, then was arrested days later in connection with a series of break-ins in a neighboring county. Sheriff’s deputies had seen the media reports of his doughnut-eating contest victory and recognized him as their suspect.

Hardison was convicted and received a suspended sentence in connection with those break-ins.


That’s it this week for:

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[font size="8"]World Tour Shithole Edition Destination #3: Haiti
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Let’s spin the wheel a final time this week! And it lands on – t-shirt cannon! Everyone here will get a 2018 Shithole Edition World Tour t-shirt! Now if only I had the budget to make and sell t-shirts. Spin it again! World Tour 2018! Hit it!

Part of our mission statement here at the Top 10 Conservative Idiots is to show you that conservative idiocy isn’t just a problem with America. No, it’s a global problem that is stemming far and wide, and it’s not just America where conservative idiots ruin everything they touch. And if you’re thinking of moving out of the United States just because Donald J. Trump is our current president and our nation is turning to shit, you should know what it is you’re getting into should you decide that you want to leave the country. Well now things suddenly got interesting! Last week, our World Tour got hijacked by Donald Trump’s shithole comment! So this week we’re turning things around, and we’re heading to the Caribbean to check out Haiti! Sorry Lithuania, we’ll catch you next time. Refunds are available at the point of purchase. So here’s the World Tour 2018 Shithole Edition:

[font size="6"]Haiti[/font]

Whew, that was a long ass flight, but we are back in the Caribbean! And nobody does it like my good friends in Haiti, am I right? So Haiti is the first stop on the Shithole variant of our 2018 World Tour, and so we are going to set out to prove to @realDonaldTrump that Haiti isn’t the shithole that he makes it out to be! So what is Haiti the home of? It’s a unique country that shares half of its’ island in the Caribbean with the Dominican Republic. It’s the home of a world wonder – the ruins of the Sans Souchi Palace, which once served as the vacation home of King Henry I. Of course its’ biggest city is the capital of the country, Port Au Prince. Its’ cultural center is the Pantheon Museum, which highlights all of the art and science produced by the tiny island nation. And of course when you’re visiting a Caribbean Island country like Haiti, you can’t help but wanting to take a dip in the country’s beautiful blue waters – of course they’re still blue until the next oil pipeline bursts. And like most islands in the Caribbean, Haiti also has some of the world’s most beautiful scenery which includes lots of different caverns and caves to explore. But what else is Haiti the home of? Well, a war with the Trump administration! But you know the only real shithole is Trump’s big, fat mouth!

Following reports that President Donald Trump referred to several countries, including Haiti, as "shitholes" (reports the president partially denied), on Wednesday, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has now barred people from the Caribbean country from applying for low-skilled working visas.

DHS said in a regulatory filing that it was removing Haiti from a list of more than 80 countries whose citizens can be granted H-2A and H-2B visas, given to seasonal workers in agriculture and other industries.

It justified the decision by citing the “high levels of fraud and abuse” from Haitians on the program, and “a high rate of overstaying the terms” of their visas.

Approximately 40 percent of Haitians overstayed on a variety of non-immigrant U.S. visas, including H-2As and H-2Bs, in the 2016 fiscal year, according to a DHS report.

Just a few dozen Haitians entered the United States on the visas each year since they were given permission to do so in 2012 by the Obama administration, according to DHS data.

Yeah and that’s the fucking sad reality – only a handful of people from Haiti get to enter the US each year because of this bullshit. But some good news! Remember last week when I said last week that Mar-A-Shithole was the largest employer of Haitians in Miami? Well…

The Trump administration’s decision to exclude Haitians from receiving temporary agricultural and seasonal visas in the U.S. could work against the interests of the Trump Organization.

An announcement from the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) Thursday noted that citizens of Haiti, as well as Belize and Samoa, will be prohibited from applying for the temporary H-2A and H-2B visas. But that could cause staffing problems for Mar-a-Lago, which Trump has dubbed the ‘Winter White House.’

The resort reportedly employs more Haitians than nearly any other nationality. (Romania is the only other one that comes close, according to The New Yorker.) Mar-a-Lago applied for and received 70 H-2B visas for its recent 2017-2018 season.


So Mar-A-Shithole, as it will be known now and forever, is the single largest employer of Haitians in Miami. But what is a “shithole country”? We need to find some answers, damn it!

On Thursday, the day before the eighth anniversary of the earthquake in Haiti that killed at least 230,000 people, President Trump called Haiti – as well as a single, undifferentiated “Africa” – “shithole countries.”

Of course, the president’s first impulse was to deny the statement, just as he had denied the statement made public through an anonymous source to the New York Times that “all Haitians have AIDS.”

Triggering the conversation is his administration’s denial of Temporary Protected Status (TPS) for 58,000 people from Haiti currently living in the U.S., some for as much as thirty years.

His comments speak to the callous attitude of an individual that feels no accountability, who thinks he can rewrite history as is convenient. Senator Durbin (D-IL) confirmed that indeed 45 had spoken these “hate filled words” many times in a conversation about immigration policy, that Trump has been actively sabotaging despite an apparent deal with Senator Jeff Flake (R-AZ) for his “yes” vote on Trump’s tax plan.

It would be unfortunate if the media were to exceptionalize Trump’s comments as the latest gaffe from an individual too accustomed to bullying people on Twitter, recently claiming that his “nuclear button” is bigger than North Korea’s. The comments are also indicative of an unchallenged white supremacy that has unfortunately been allowed to fester in our society. It is more useful to see this as an open expression of often hidden feelings, unresolved cultural aftershocks of the institution of plantation slavery that our nation has to deal with head on and with courage and honesty.

He seriously smiles as if someone had just asked him to regurgitate his second Big Mac. Or maybe it was the fourth. Ah, who am I kidding? This is Trump we’re talking about here – the biggest asshole on the planet! But some good news is that Haiti is fighting back against Der Trumpenfuhrer!

ADDIS ABABA, Ethiopia — President Trump’s dismissal of Haiti, El Salvador and African nations as “shithole countries” whose inhabitants are not desirable for U.S. immigration shocked people around the world and provoked swift condemnation.

The president made the remarks Thursday during a White House meeting with lawmakers and suggested that immigrants from Norway would be preferable. Trump has since apparently denied making the off-color remark, describing the language he used only as “tough.”

“The African Union Commission is frankly alarmed at statements by the president of the United States when referring to migrants of African countries and others in such contemptuous terms,” said Ebba Kalondo, the spokeswoman for the African Union. “Considering the historical reality of how many Africans arrived in the U.S. during the Atlantic slave trade, this flies in the face of all accepted behavior and practice.”

Yeah keep giving the thumbs up, sir, because we all know your time is fast approaching an end. Can we put the adults back in charge please? I mean especially when they say such nasty things as Haiti is filled with “sheet metal and garbage”. Did this guy visit that planet from Thor Ragnarok recently?

Everyone's least favorite Northwest Florida lawmaker is at it again, and this time he’s trolling virtually every reasonable individual who didn’t appreciate the president’s alleged “shithole countries” remarks. Which is to say Rep. Matt Gaetz, R-Fort Walton Beach, is pretty much trolling everyone.

On Tuesday night, during an interview with Chris Hayes on MSNBC, Gaetz followed up on how President Donald Trump reportedly lamented Haiti and African nations as "shithole" countries while meeting with lawmakers to discuss immigration reform last week, essentially saying he agreed with the president’s comments.

[font size="6"]The Verdict & Scorecard[/font]

Well since I really couldn’t find much information about Haiti, there really was no way to put it through my grading system. But we’re going to tell Trump and the GOP that Haiti isn’t really the shithole he makes it out to be!

Tourism: B-
Culture: A
Political Spectrum: D-
Liberal Appeal: C

Overall: C

[font size="6"]Next Week[/font]

We’re continuing to visit the list of countries that Trump deems shitholes and we’re going to back to Africa to visit Ghana! Because World Tour schedules make no god damn sense!

[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Lana Del Rey[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, well, I’m definitely not forgetting the ladies this week! My next guest – her new album is called “Lust For Life”. Playing the title track from that album, please give it up for Lana Del Rey!

Yeah how about that?

See you next week!


Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Punchline Comedy Club, San Francisco, CA
Special Thanks To: Punch Line Management
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Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
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Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Haiti Hosting: Port Au Prince Productions, Port Au Prince
Lana Del Rey Appears Courtesy Of: Polydor LTD
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 At: @DUInitechTop10

Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

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Reply Top 10 Conservative Idiots #4-3: Wheel Of Corruption & The Sorcerers Stone Edition (Original post)
Initech Jan 2018 OP
irisblue Jan 2018 #1
Mc Mike Jan 2018 #2
Initech Jan 2018 #3
Mc Mike Jan 2018 #4

Response to Initech (Original post)

Wed Jan 24, 2018, 07:36 PM

1. K&R

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Response to Initech (Original post)

Thu Jan 25, 2018, 12:49 PM

2. Rec, thanks for all the good work. Nt

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Response to Mc Mike (Reply #2)

Thu Jan 25, 2018, 01:05 PM

3. Sure!

This is usually my favorite part of the week!

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Response to Initech (Reply #3)

Fri Jan 26, 2018, 08:58 AM

4. Kick nt.

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