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red dog 1

Profile Information

Gender: Male
Hometown: San Francisco, Ca.
Home country: U.S.A.
Member since: Tue Sep 14, 2010, 03:05 PM
Number of posts: 1,708

About Me

Second generation native San Franciscan; and third generation Democrat.

Journal Archives

A cop pulls a car over,

and tells the driver he has won $5,000 in the seat belt competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" asks the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answers.

"Oh, don't listen to him," says a woman in the passenger seat.
"He's a smart alack when he's drunk."

Then the guy in the backseat says: "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment, there's a knock from the trunk, and a voice says:
"Are we over the border yet?"

Paper Shredder

The new employee stood before the paper shredder, looking confused.

"Need some help?' a secretary asked.

"Yes," he replied, "How does this thing work?"

"Simple," she replied, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

Head Hog

One day a man calls the church office and says:
"Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but says:
"I'm sorry, who?"

The caller repeated:
"Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

The secretary then says:
"Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor' or 'Brother',
but I prefer you not refer to him as 'head hog at the trough!"

To this, the man replies:
"Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the church building fund..."

To this, the secretary quickly responds:
"Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"

Hunting humor.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other hunter pulls out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help..First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is silence. Then a gunshot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Heavenly humor.

Lucy and Bob die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding.
In Heaven they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible..Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass, and St. Peter returns.
"Yes, we can do this for you."

The couple asks:
"Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"

To which St. Peter answers:
"It took me six months to find a priest up here,
How long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"

A little naval humor

Am Admiral visits one of the ships under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew, he is impressed to see the naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He goes to the cook to ask how this feat was accomplished, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The cook replies:
"Well Admiral, after each one is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle"

Horrified, the Admiral exclaims:
"Well that's very unhygienic!"

The cook shrugs and replies:
"Well..if you feel that way Sir, I suggest you steer well clear of the donuts!"

A Canadian, a Texan, and a tea bagger walk into a bar?

And the bartender says: "Nice to see you, Senator Cruz."

Locker Room Humor

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and one of the men picks it up with the speaker phone on
and begins to talk..Everyone else in the room stops talking.

MAN: "Hello?"

WOMAN: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat..It's only $2,000..
Can I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead, if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$70,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing..I was just talking to Kate and found out that the
house I wanted last year is back on the market..They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000 .They'll probably take it.
If not, we'll go the extra $80,000, if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK, I'll see you later. I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye. I love you too."

The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

Why did Rick Perry cross the road?

to get his mugshot taken.

Why did Bobby Jindal cross the road?

To avoid being called PIYUSH
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