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Member since: Thu Oct 21, 2004, 05:06 PM
Number of posts: 18,857

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Rubio Abruptly Departs G.O.P. Debate After Low-Battery Warning —Borowitz is watching

GREENVILLE, South Carolina (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Marco Rubio of Florida was forced to leave Saturday night’s crucial Republican Presidential debate after suffering what aides called a “low-battery warning.”

Rubio’s abrupt departure occurred immediately following his opening statement, which started in a spirited manner but concluded with the senator uttering the word “Obama” no fewer than a dozen times in succession.

With the other candidates and debate moderators looking on, Rubio’s eyes appeared to roll back in his head, which fell forward and came to rest on his podium.
As the unconscious Rubio stood motionless onstage, moderators momentarily panicked.

“We didn’t know what was going on,” the moderator, John Dickerson, said. “This is the sort of thing we’ve come to expect from Ben Carson, but not Rubio.”


Bringing People Together: Newly released, epic, jaw dropping new Bernie ad. Day after New Hampshire


While "having a cow" being nervous about New Hampshire's outcome

I found this photo in my files.

Now I'm having a cow over finding a photo for the contest.
It's too cold to go out and shoot.

Fiorina Cheers Self Up By Firing Campaign Staff - reveals Andy Borowitz

NEW HAMPSHIRE (The Borowitz Report)—After suffering a poor showing in the New Hampshire primary on Tuesday night, the former Hewlett-Packard C.E.O. Carly Fiorina cheered herself up by firing her entire campaign staff, fired staffers confirm.

Minutes after the returns started coming in, revealing that Fiorina had no chance of making a respectable showing, the former business executive acknowledged that she was “sad at first—but then I realized that every failure is an opportunity, and in this case I had an opportunity to give some people the axe.”

After delivering pink slips to her entire campaign staff, Fiorina said, “I started feeling better already.”
“That’s the one thing you have to understand about Carly Fiorina—she doesn’t stay down for long,” she said.

Fiorina said that she had “no regrets” about running for President, despite her dismal showing in New Hampshire. “I got to downsize a lot of people tonight, and that makes me a winner,” she said.


Congratulations to Bernie Sanders: Visual of what a difference a year can make

yes, this is of Iowa, but he did very nicely there as well.

Congratulations on a land slide of a victory in New Hampshire.

Christie Quits Race to Focus on Tormenting Rubio - Borowitz tells it like it may be

NEW HAMPSHIRE (The Borowitz Report)—In a stunning announcement on the eve of the New Hampshire primary, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said that he was dropping out of the Presidential race to focus his energies on tormenting Florida Senator Marco Rubio full-time.

“At the end of the day, running for President was interfering with what I really love, which is making Marco Rubio’s life a living hell,” he said. “Now I can get up every morning and spend all day just doing that.”

Christie said that he had tired of fielding questions about ISIS, immigration, and the economy and having to find some contrived way of answering them with a scathing attack on Rubio. “Don’t get me wrong, I was great at it,” he said. “But it’ll be so much easier to just get out there and start tearing him apart with no pretext whatsoever.”
The New Jersey governor, who plans to bring his message of character assassination to all fifty states, did not indicate how he would finance this mission. “I’ll pay for it myself if I have to,” he said. “If, looking back on my life, I can say that I ground Marco Rubio into the dirt, I will die a happy man.”

Asked what his first stop would be after leaving the campaign trail, Christie said, “I want to reconnect with my family, hug my kids, and tell them what a douche Marco is.”


Jeb Hopes to Woo Voters with Ad Featuring Worst President in U.S. History - Borowitz has noticed

NEW HAMPSHIRE (The Borowitz Report)—The former Florida Governor Jeb Bush is hoping to jump-start his lagging Presidential campaign with a new television ad featuring the worst President in U.S. history, campaign aides confirm.

With the crucial New Hampshire primary just hours away, the Bush campaign believes it can finish strong by reminding voters of Jeb’s connection to a man who left the nation in smoldering ruins.

In the ad, which Bush aides are calling “a fantastic closing argument,” Jeb’s ability to keep the United States safe and create peace around the world is praised by the President, whose decisions helped destabilize the Middle East and give rise to ISIS.
Across the state, the ad featuring the worst President in U.S. history is making a powerful impression on voters. “It brought back a lot of memories,” Carol Foyler, who lost her house in 2007, said.

With the ad scheduled to air around the clock until primary day, aides to Bush are hoping that the commercial, persuasive as it is, is not too little, too late. “We’re kicking ourselves that we didn’t air this sooner,” one Bush aide said. “An endorsement from the person who presided over the worst economic disaster since the Great Depression confers instant credibility.”


Look who’s pulling for Bernie and look at what she sent me

Last summer my beautiful 30 year old cousin came and spent some time with me in Florida, where we watched the upstart of Trump and where I told her about Bernie’s background and my support for him.
Here she is at the side of a HUUUUUUGE Alligator.

She is well educated and works as a political liaison in the German government, and I was astonished and thrilled to find she was as informed as I am about what is going on here, and up to snuff on our various conspiracy theories and many fascinating things American.
When I expressed my surprise at this depth of knowledge she said she was not alone, that our antics are watched by the whole world, and when she left she was a brand new fan of Rachel Maddow.

I go an email from her this morning, where she gives her impression of the latest Democratic Debate which she listened to last week, and expressed how glad she was to see Bernie’s large catch-up move in Iowa, that she is on pins and needles about New Hampshire, and she would be so happy to see America have a chance at a serious attempt to move forward in health reform and free college like she has enjoyed. Her twin brother is a practicing doctor by the way, and his books are all he had to pay for his education.

Here is what she sent me and when you move the mouse around the Donald’s eyes will follow you and then some.
My favorite view is to hold the trumpet over his head and blow straight down.


Shkreli Miraculously Makes Nation Side with Congress—Borowitz was there

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a feat that some observers called nothing short of miraculous, the embattled pharmaceuticals C.E.O. Martin Shkreli single-handedly made the American people side with Congress on Thursday morning.

According to polls taken after his appearance before the despised legislative body, Shkreli’s smug, smirking, and utterly douchey performance had the effect of temporarily transforming members of Congress into marginally sympathetic figures.

The University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, which tracks the American people’s attitudes toward the legislative branch, said that after Shkreli’s appearance Congress’s approval rating surged from eleven per cent to fourteen per cent.
“A three-per-cent gain may not seem like a lot, but I think everyone in Congress is popping champagne corks today,” Davis Logsdon, the pollster who supervised the survey, said. “Martin Shkreli is the best thing to happen to Congress in years.”

Shortly after the hearing concluded, a congressional spokesman announced that Congress plans to hold an additional twenty to thirty hearings with Shkreli in the immediate future.


Ain't this Special? Could we give Senator Cruz an "AMEN"

Quoting the Cruzer at his interminable acceptance speech in Iowa

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