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Profile Information

Name: James Crackcorn (Why should I care?)
Gender: Male
Hometown: Otisville
Home country: East Lexluthia
Current location: On the Ramparts
Member since: 2002
Number of posts: 589

About Me

I am old, ODD and proudly in the way And ready for Festivus every damn day.

Journal Archives

Trump agrees to lobotomy.

Dissociated Press: It was another tough week for the billionaire businessman who blurted more convoluted contradictory and confused rhetoric, irritated and alarmed supporters and wandered off message. In yet another last ditch effort to improve his image, Donald Trump agreed to a prefrontal lobotomy that was performed last night by one time rival Ben Carson. The decision was announced after an all night planning meeting with wife Melania, the famed neurosurgeon and campaign manager Kellyanne Conway. The four retired to the soundproof room in his New York state mansion where the Trumps often retire with friends and guests to help the real estate mogul relax and blow off stress.

An unscheduled press conference was announced for this morning at the Trump penthouse. The press corp took up positions just outside the soundproof room and waited for the candidate and advisors. Trump emerged first rubbing his wrists and sweating profusely. Ben Carson, Melania and Kellyanne emerged together laughing and talking softly to each other . Conway explained the decision making process that led to the procedure.

"It was Donald's decision entirely. We weren't certain but after we talked about his campaign troubles Donald began to realize how humiliated he would be if he was utterly defeated by this woman. He said he would do anything to win. Anything at all. We did several role plays so he could fully understand the way this would feel. He was practically begging for it at the end, wasn't he Ben?"

Carson laughed loudly, nodded and even winked at Melania who seemed very contented and at peace with the decision. Carson stated "The operation took less than 10 minutes and was accomplished with a small dose of the GHB I always carry in case I have to perform an emergency surgery on someone or stuff like that."

Trump excused himself saying he had a bit of a headache but promised he would be a good boy from now on.

Trump accuses Ryan and McCain of lying about him

AP: Reporters talking to Trump after he made phone calls to John McCain and Paul Ryan today said the controversial candidate claimed both men lied more than he did. When asked for an example, Trump stated both men had said the same thing about him today and that it was a "dirty, filthy lie." Trump tried to leave but reporters pressed him for details. Trump finally said this, " First, I never tell God where to send someone after they die. That was just wrong. Second, my IQ is above average. Third, no matter what my family's domestic help have said, there is no proof I ever had a carnal relationship with my mother."

And you want to be our President......


A word of warning to Republicans concerning Donald Trump and the late Jeffrey Dahmer.

I am sure many of Jeffrey Dahmer's victims had thoughts along similar lines I am hearing from your party these days. In their case it went something like this (probably).....

"This crazy looking dude with all the freezers and bones and body parts around the apartment, who knocked me unconscious and tied me to this chair.... he isn't really going to cook and eat me too. I am sure once we talk we'll be able to work something out."

Good luck with that.

How many times have people said things just like this?

And how many times have the Dems listened and took the advice? Yeah. That's the same null set I get. Think about what they did to Gore and Kerry and what they tried to do to Obama during elections and the level of disrespect and contempt they treated him with since. Think about the hypocritical double standard and hate they have directed at Hillary for 24 years and to Democratic candidates in just about every House and Senate race.

The Republicans ignore their own transgressions and verbally batter us while we try to take and hold the high ground. They link us to child molesters, call us weaklings, cowards, deadbeats and sponges, invoke death panels and accuse of butchering fetuses and selling them like beef with our thumb on the scale. They call us cheaters, crybabies, pointed headed intellectuals and threaten to bomb or shoot us. They have run away with local and state governance with blatant gerrymandering and systematic vote suppression. They control almost the entire AM and FM bands and fill every talk show slot with lies and non stop hate mongering against liberals and progressive causes. They poisoned an entire city in Michigan. They are willing to let people die without insurance, freeze without heat and go without food. They don't care who gets hurt and they are getting behind one of the biggest, dumbest, meanest assholes to ever run for the Presidency.

We keep waiting for cooler heads to prevail but they just roll down into a crate next to their guillotine. I think it is more than OK to take the gloves off now and let our "esteemed colleagues from across the aisle" get a metaphorical knuckle sandwich right in the teeth every chance we can. This is a blood sport. They made it that way. I want to see candidates wearing some Republican blood on their jerseys.

Ted Cruz: "I am Job": A reading from the book of Two Trump.

Lucifer was trolling God's gambling problem again. Old Jehovah had finished his gambling rehab again but was struggling with that fourth step as always. "Why the hell do I need to do a fearless moral inventory? He growled.  The seraphim and cherubim flinched and even Michael and Gabriel looked down. They had seen him smite in spite. Not a pretty sight.  Satan however could never pass up a chance to set a relapse trap encouraged him,  "Damn straight, Pops. You don't need that. You wrote the book on all that stuff."   God positively glowed.
The next day The Shining One waited till God was in omnipresent mode and began loudly bragging about the whole world coming his way in a hand basket and how he could corrupt anyone.  This got God's attention. 
"Anyone?" he said in that famously still small voice.
"Absolutely anyone.... I bet I could do it in a week too."
God felt the urge grow great within him.  He hadn't bet anyone in an epoch and he wouldn't let Satan do this to him again.  He damn near had let him kill poor Job who hadn't done a damn thing to deserve it.  He prepared his rebuke. "Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God to..."
"Double or nothing" said Satan.
"I choose Cruz."  The words fell out before He could stop himself. 
"Done" said Satan.
"Dammit," thought God.  "I should've picked Kasich."

The Indiana Primary was over.  Spitting out the Indiana dune sand Trump had repeatedly kicked in his face, the defeated demagogue  snorted back his mucous flow and wiped tears from his shame reddened face. How had this happened? Hadn't he tied himself to Jesus, Reagan and dead fetuses?  Hadn't he demonized the homos, liberals, climate deniers and all things politically and factually correct?    How could he be here now, clinging to his electoral life? 

Trump had beaten him as suddenly, surely and soundly as his father had growing up. Truth was the Right Reverend Raphael had kicked his ass again not 10 minutes ago but thank God, only his children had seen it.  And OK, Carly had done it too the night before the primary but that was different. He asked for that to help him sleep.  

No, he had to face it, his campaign was over. He had lied, cheated and oozed unctuous piety till it hurt but it wasn't near enough. No one was buying it except the zombie faithful he had cultivated and even they were abandoning ship. He had been mocked by ignorant Trump stooges in Marion, Indiana who made him look like a weenie.  A weenie!  And he had been compared unfavorably to Satan by Republican leaders and had to watch as his unfavorability ratings surpassed that heathen ogre Trump.  He even had to put up his wife Heidi as collateral to the Koch brothers and they were coming to collect her. Worse, she was already packed and ready to go.

There was only one possible reason for this.  God had forsaken him just like Job.  And he WAS just like Job too!, He was a God fearing goddam pillar of the community for Christ sake.   He had a cushy powerful government job making 200K for 5 months of non work, great benefits and rich friends willing to give him millions for a few simple acts of legislative larceny. God had given him a few boils now and then but mostly left him alone to make his fortune. He began to feel better. God must be testing him now.  Like Job this meant it would all come back to him 10 fold.  Except for the wife and kids, of course.  Oh, well...

But there was still all this pain and humiliation. Not  a single friend coming around to make him feel better than everyone else. It hurt but it was  going to be OK.  He looked around for a dung hill to lie down in. There wasn't one. There was just that $5000 leather massage lounger he bought with campaign money.  It would have to do.  He poured a large goblet of cognac, settled in and switched it on.   Ohhhhhhhh, he thought, that feels soooooooo good. He waited till he heard Heidi leave with the Koch brothers. God, that broad had a foul mouth on her.  He picked up his phone and called his chief of staff. "Get me some of that Bolivian blow and that tranny fellow I like so much." He hung up and smiled that smug, simpering smile that was always on his mug. "There's always 2020."

God looked sullen and angry. He had had to tear up a couple of just poured golden streets to pay off Lucifer who was trying hard not to gloat now. Worse yet he was back in gambling rehab and attending daily meetings where he knew what everyone was going to say to the end of time. It wasn't helpful and he knew he needed help. First Job. Then his only begotten etc and now this damn side bet on Cruz. He had bet half of heaven that his son was going to be able to save humanity from their sinfulness. Instead they tortured and killed him and had been tearing the planet to pieces ever since. Now America had gone rogue and had nominated a fat blowhard hate mongering narcissist to hold the nuclear football. Meanwhile Satan was running burn pits just outside the Pearly Gates. Never again he vowed. Never ever ever again The everlasting Father knew that this time he had learned his lesson.....

Somewhere inside his reverie of triumph over temptation, he heard Satan talking.

"Cruz vs Trump Part 2 in 2020. American brown shirts in 2021. Full on Armageddon by 2022."

God snorted. Satan was nuts. He wasn't serious. And he didn't have to take this. Screw the plans, he would send him to Hell once and for all right now. He prepared a large thunderbolt.

"You're God" said Satan, "You actually do have 2020 hindsight. And it's 2020!!"

God drew back his arm. This smite was long overdue.

"Triple or nothing" said Satan.

"You're on." God heard his own voice but couldn't imagine how those words managed to escape.

Lucifer was already walking away. He was going to need bigger gold vaults. He'd ask Melania. She always had good ideas.

Chuck Todd needs to wear a mask

If he is going to continue fellating Cruz on live TV. Unbelievable. He also apparently had all his teeth removed for the occasion

More than 22000 Nut Jobs Want to Allow Guns at Repug Convention: Esquire


I think it works the other way too. What kind of nut job wouldn't want to see a whole lot of well armed, paranoid and angry Republican pols confront each other? This is a once in four year opportunity to thin their herd. Since they gerrymandered and primaried out their natural predators they have bred like crazed monkeys and are a menace to public safety. You can't swing a confederate flag over your head without hitting one of them. But here's a thought. Lock em in the convention hall with automatic weapons, turn out the lights withTed Nugent anthems at eardrum bleed volume and let God sort it out.

Iowa GOP offers abandoned hog farms for Muslim relocation camps.

AP: Iowa offers abandoned hog farms for Muslim relocation camps.

Otto Sturm, Republican party chair of Iowa said his state is perfect for the internment camps suggested by controversial presidential candidate Donald Trump. "We are centrally located and Interstate 80 runs through us and across the entire country. We have railway tracks connecting to every state so getting folks here will be no problem." While acknowledging the farms were in poor shape now and would need new plumbing for human habitants, he stated they already had a master plan "We'll round up illegals for repairs and have these places spic and span in a hot minute."

State Senator Herman Drang came up with the idea after meeting with Trump and began presenting it to the state Republican caucus soon after. Drang, who owns a Heating and Air distributorship was so excited by the plans that he has offered to donate the camps' heating systems from his company's line of multi fuel furnaces. Sturm and Drang said they weren't concerned about all the criticisms they have heard about their plan. Sturm laughed and said "l guess this country just has to have a great furor before we can permanently solve this problem."

New Cruz Chip Passes Test

Republican programmers announced the 4th generation conservative policy processor will be available before the 2016 debates. Dubbed the Cruz Chip after Ted Cruz succesfully Beta tested it in Iowa last week the processor reportedly has three times the cognitive dissonance resistance and thermal rhetoric protection as the third generation chip widely in use. The new technology allows candidates to safely espouse positions with no logical consistency, switch positions repeatedly and hold opinions diametrically opposed to others they hold without having embarassing shut downs or their heads explode.

Current Republican candidates have been using the older version but its vulnerabilities became obvious after Ben Carson's repeated cognitive meltdowns. The famous neurosurgeon who insiders have dubbed "Fukushima Ben" has been plummeting in the polls, unable to even pretend to make sense. Carson has scheduled his implant as early as next week but even some advisers are suggesting it may be too late. At a luncheon last week the former front runner had to have a hammer forcibly removed from his hand when he was seen repeatedly striking his head with it. Asked why, the laconic loon smiled dreamily saying. "It just feels so damn good when I stop." Cheap cloned versions of the new chip made by Syrian refugees in Trump built Koch firetraps will be available for Republican voters by September 2016.
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