The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
March 6, 2006
Fifth Annual Oscar Special!
Oscars are here again, and to show how much we love those little
gold statuettes it's time for our annual homage to Hollywood, the
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Oscar Special. Bill O'Reilly (1) takes
home the honors thanks to his Academy Award-winning performance
on The Factor last week, but George W. Bush (2,3,4,5) rakes in four
wins, a big improvement over last
year's performance. Other winners include Duke Cunningham (6)
for producing last week's courtroom drama, Scooter Libby (8) for
directing money into his bank account, and Bill Frist (9) for acting
like an ass. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!
Most Amusing Mental Breakdown: The Falafel Master has
been on the list quite a few times recently, and I thought he'd
have to do something really dumb to get on this week - let
alone make it all the way to the number one slot. But it was obviously
very foolish of me to underestimate Mr. O'Reilly's talent for douchebaggery.
We noted last
week that O'Reilly had started a lame petition to replace MSNBC's
Keith Olbermann with Phil Donahue. Keith had
some fun with that. But in the wake of recent
news that Fox News' ratings are starting to slide while MSNBC's
are climbing, it seems that these days the mere mention of Olbermann's
name is enough to make O'Reilly break out in hives.
Last week, Mike Stark of CallingAllWingnuts.com caused O'Reilly
to make a giant jackass of himself while taking phone calls on The
Radio Factor. Here's how Mike ruined the Falafel Master's day:
Hey Bill, I appreciate you taking my call. I like to listen to
you during the day, I think Keith Olbermann's show...
And that was it - O'Reilly pulled the plug on Mike before he could
get another word out. Fortunately, Mike was able to record
O'Reilly's subsequent meltdown for your listening pleasure.
The transcript follows:
MIKE: Hey Bill, I appreciate you taking my call. I like
to listen to you during the day, I think Keith Olbermann's show...
FALAFEL MASTER: There you go, Mike is, er, he's a gone
guy. You know we have your phone numbers by the way, so if you're
listening Mike, we have your phone number and we're going to turn
it over to Fox security, and you'll be getting a little visit.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Maybe Mike's from the mothership.
FALAFEL MASTER: No, maybe Mike's gonna get in big trouble.
Because we're not going to play around. When you call us ladies
and gentlemen, just so you know, we do have your phone number
and if you say anything untoward, obscene, or anything like that,
Fox security then will contact local authorities and you will
be held accountable. Fair?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: That's fair.
FALAFEL MASTER: So just, all you guys who do this kind
of a thing, you know, I know some shock-jocks, ER, whatever, you
will be held accountable. Believe it.
Jesus, what a loon. He's going to try to get someone arrested for
saying "Keith Olbermann" on his radio show? Best of luck
But the story gets crazier - it turns out that O'Reilly really
did sic his head of security on at least one caller - DUer
who was harassed by Fox after having the temerity to mention Keith
Olbermann's name last Friday.
So here's a special plea to all readers of the Top 10 Conservative
Idiots: whatever you do, please DO NOT call Bill O'Reilly at 1-877-9-NO-SPIN
from noon to 2 PM Monday through Friday and mention Keith Olbermann.
Because you don't want to get in trouble with Fox security. And
you don't want poor Bill's head to explode, do you?
Best Actor In A Leading Role: Last week the Associated
Press uncovered a series
of videos shot on August 28th, 2005 - one day before Hurricane
Katrina struck the gulf coast - in which Our Great Leader is caught
on camera receiving dire warnings about the coming catastrophe from
none other than Mike "Heckuvajob" Brown. According
to the Associated Press:
A top hurricane expert voiced "grave concerns" about
the levees and then-Federal Emergency Management Agency chief
Michael Brown told the president and Homeland Security Secretary
Michael Chertoff that he feared there weren't enough disaster
teams to help evacuees at the Superdome.
"I'm concerned about ... their ability to respond to a catastrophe
within a catastrophe," Brown told his bosses the afternoon
before Katrina made landfall.
Some of the footage and transcripts from briefings Aug. 25-31
conflicts with the defenses that federal, state and local officials
have made in trying to deflect blame and minimize the political
fallout from the failed Katrina response.
Homeland Security officials have said the "fog of war"
blinded them early on to the magnitude of the disaster. But the
video and transcripts show federal and local officials discussed
threats clearly, reviewed long-made plans and understood Katrina
would wreak devastation of historic proportions. "I'm sure
it will be the top 10 or 15 when all is said and done."
During the videotaped briefing, George W. Bush asked no questions,
and made one short statement of support: "I want to assure the folks
at the state level that we are fully prepared to not only help you
during the storm, but we will move in whatever resources and assets
we have at our disposal after the storm."
That was August 28. And then this happened (cue Benny Hill theme
Finally, on September 1, Bush announced that, "I don't think
anybody anticipated the breach of the levees."
Now, a lot of people have jumped on the president for saying that,
but let's be fair here. None of his advisors actually said "breached"
(at least, not more than once). Instead they used the word "overtopped,"
which makes all the difference in the world.
See, if Bush had been told that the levees might breach, he would
have done everything in his power to make sure that New Orleans
got all the help it needed. But when he didn't hear the all-important
word "breached," he decided to go to John McCain's birthday
It's like September 11th - remember when Bush sat there in that
classroom for seven minutes acting like nothing had happened? That's
because Andrew Card told him that "America is under attack."
If Card had said, "America is under attack, you might want
to get up and do something," I bet Bush would have gotten up
It's just a matter of choosing the right words with this president.
Best CEO President: The storm brewing over the sale
of American port operations to the United Arab Emirates continues
to batter George W. Bush's political standing. Republicans seem
utterly confused on this issue: they can't criticize the deal without
criticizing the president, and they can't not criticize the
deal without suffering the consequences of the fact that they've
spent the last five years persuading their constituents that anyone
wearing a dishdasha has probably got a dirty bomb stuffed up there
But if you thought that the GOP didn't know what to do with the
port problem, wait till they get a load of this: last week, George
W. Bush announced that he would be selling
America's nuclear secrets to India. Now, since India hasn't
signed the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, that's technically
illegal. Ha ha! As if something stupid like the law is
going to stop Our Great Leader.
So, you're probably wondering to yourself, what do we get in exchange
for our nuclear secrets? I'll let Lou Dobbs explain:
No, seriously. We're
In a related
story, "U.S. President George W. Bush gave no sign on Saturday
that he would support granting Pakistan the same kind of nuclear
agreement just reached with India." Presumably the president
might be persuaded to change his mind if Pakistan can guarantee
several shipments of plums.
Best Excuse To Use The Word "Misspoke": Bush
snuck into Pakistan under cover of night last week, but it turned
out that Air Force One wasn't the only thing in the dark. While
still in India, Our Great Leader gave a nationally televised speech
where he complimented
Pakistan as "a steadfast partner
. A force for freedom
and moderation in the Arab world."
Which would have been great, if Pakistan was an Arab country. Which
is it isn't.
As if Scott McClellan's job wasn't already difficult enough (hey,
it's hard work keeping all those lies in order) he then had to explain
to the press corps that when Bush said "Arab" he really
And people wonder why there's confusion over the ports deal...
Dorkiest Moment In World Sports: Okay, one more entry
for George W. Bush and then we'll move on. While in Pakistan, Bush
tried his hand at cricket. Now, I happen to know a thing or two
about the noble sport of cricket, and take it from me - this isn't
exactly how it's done:
While batting, Bush faced three deliveries from Pakistan's national
team captain Inzaman-ul-Haq - according
to the BBC, "[Bush] hit two deliveries from the crease,
and was struck on the shoulder by one."
Inzaman-ul-Haq had better watch his step if he wants to avoid the
fate of Pakistan's former cricket captain Imran Khan. The world-famous
Khan, who now heads an opposition party in Pakistan, was placed
arrest last week for trying to organize a rally in protest of
Bush's visit. Ah, there's nothing like the smell of freedom on the
Most Impressive Fall From Grace: Au revoir, Duke Cunningham
- we'll see you in eight years and four months. The disgraced Republican
lawmaker was sentenced
last week to the longest prison sentence ever given to a member
of Congress after taking $2.4 million worth of bribes in exchange
for lucrative defense contracts.
Cunningham was also ordered to pay "$1.8 million in restitution
for back taxes," "an additional $1.85 million for cash
bribes he received," and the proceeds from the sale of his
7,628-square-foot Rancho Santa Fe mansion. Judge Larry Burns said,
"I think what you've done is you've undermined the opportunity
that honest politicians have to do a good job. The amount of money
involved emasculates prior bribery crimes."
Cunningham's jail time began immediately, but the judge said that
his sentence could be reduced by as much as 15% for good behavior.
So here's hoping he doesn't shiv anyone over a pack of cigarettes.
Best News To Come Out Of Iraq In Ages: It should come
as no surprise that the Pentagon last week "dismissed"
a poll of US soldiers fighting in Iraq. The
poll showed that 72% of US troops stationed there believe that
they should pull out within a year. Only 22% thought that they should
stay in Iraq "as long as it takes," while one in three
want the US to withdraw immediately.
Clearly these numbers do not bode well for the Bush administration,
and the Pentagon must now be scrambling to come up with a way to
raise the morale of that large majority of troops.
So I have a proposal: given her strong belief in the Iraq war,
I would like to recommend that Rep. Jean Schmidt of Ohio be sent
to Iraq to tell the troops there that "cowards cut and run,
Marines never do." She seemed pretty firm in that belief on
the floor of the House, so I'm sure she'd be glad to take her
message to the 72% of American troops in Iraq who want to come home
within a year. Come on Jean, put your money where your mouth is!
Biggest Waste Of Time: Last week the Scooter Libby Defense
Fund went online, so if you feel like donating some dollars to a
guy who allegedly outed an undercover CIA agent and is currently
accused of perjury and obstruction of justice, just swing on over
The first thing you'll notice is a quote from Dick Cheney at the
top of the page: "Scooter Libby is one of the most capable
and talented individuals I have ever known." That's pretty
impressive coming from a guy who can't tell the difference between
a 78-year-old man and a quail.
Libby's defense fund is run by some impressive individuals - for
example, Fred Malek, Richard Nixon's "Special Assistant,"
who advised Nixon to never write anything down. As Tom Tomorrow
Why does Scooter Libby want the support of a political
hatchetman from the Nixon administration who not only engaged
in extremely unsavory activities, but then was caught trying to
cover them up?
Is it because Fred Malek has completely changed since
1972, and Libbys completely innocent, so they can
have long discussions about the importance of ethics in governmental
Or... is Libby hoping for advice from Malek on how to avoid the
mistakes he made?
Other luminaries on Libby's advisory committee are Frances Fukuyama,
Mary Matalin, and, um, Tucker
Carlson's dad. Yeah.
By the way, if you'd rather give your money to a much more worthy
cause than Scooter Libby, head over to LibbyDefenseFund.com
instead. Props to Buzzflash
Back The Media for setting that up!
Most Unconstitutional: There have been recent grumblings
from some Republicans who still vaguely remember the good old days
when the Legislative Branch acted as a real check on the power of
the Executive - grumblings which are getting a little loud for the
Bush administration's tastes. On March 7 an Intelligence Committee
vote may lead to oversight hearings of the administration's illegal
wiretapping scheme - and you know Bush and Co. ain't happy
For 30 years, the bipartisan Senate Select Intelligence Committee
has been made up of an equal number of Democrats and Republicans.
It's a non-political committee designed to keep the nation's national
security interests above the interests of the Executive Branch.
But last week, faced with the unpleasant possibility that his nose
might become dislodged from George W. Bush's butt if the oversight
vote doesn't go his way, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist decided
to take action.
On Friday, Frist sent a letter
to Sen. Harry Reid complaining that the Intelligence Committee could
not do its job because of "stifling partisanship" which
according to him is - surprise! - the fault of the Democrats. Frist's
solution is to reduce the number of Democrats on the committee and
put it under partisan Republican control. Of course, if Democrats
choose to play nice and turn a blind eye to the Bush administration's
lawbreaking... well, maybe Sen. Frist will choose to be magnanimous.
Get the picture?
It's strange - there used to be a time when Republicans were all
about fiscal responsibility, personal freedom, and respecting the
Constitution. Nowadays they seem far more interested in throwing
your tax dollars down the Iraq money pit, spying on your every move,
and using the Constitution to blow their noses afterwards.
Best Marie Antoinette Impersonation: And finally, the
Bush administration certainly hasn't made government any smaller,
but it's definitely doing it's best to crush the hopes and dreams
of the average American. The federal budget for 2007 is $2.77
trillion, and while military spending continues to rise, the
little guy is getting stiffed everywhere - from cuts in Veterans'
services to rising gas prices to increases in drug costs under the
new Medicare plan.
According to the Bush administration, the economy is roaring. Perhaps
it is if you're already a multi-millionaire, but for everyone else
it's getting more and more difficult to "pull yourself up by
the bootstraps." According
to the UK Guardian, "Last year, Americans' personal savings
rate dropped to its lowest point since the Great Depression. The
dismal state of savings comes as a big wave of baby boomers will
soon start retiring."
So what's Dick Cheney's solution to this problem?
"The American dream begins with saving money and that should
begin on the very first day of work," Cheney told a conference
here exploring how to encourage people to boost savings and be
better prepared for retirement.
Too often, workers are living paycheck to paycheck and are not
saving sufficiently, Cheney said.
Oh, well la-di-fucking-da. It's all well and good for Mr. I Shoot
Caged Quail With My Millionaire Friends to complain about too many
workers living paycheck to paycheck, but clearly Dick doesn't understand
that millions of Americans have no choice in the matter.
In fact, many Americans work multiple jobs and still don't
have money left over. And if you do manage to stay afloat, it only
takes one serious medical emergency to wipe out your nest egg -
even if you're lucky enough to have health insurance.
Still, if you needed proof that Vice President Crashcart is about
as out-of-touch as it's possible to be, check out the latest CBS
poll which shows Dick's approval rating at a staggering 18%.
It seems the vast majority of Americans share the sentiments of
the Reuters photographer who took this
picture at the conference where Cheney made his remarks:
See you next week!
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