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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 215)

September 26, 2005
Run And Hide Edition

Determined to avoid a repeat of their Katrina fiasco, George W. Bush (1, 4, 5, 7) rode out Hurricane Rita in Northern Command headquarters in Colorado Springs, looking utterly bored. Or perhaps he was riding out the anti-war protests. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (3) seems to have engaged in some pretty shady stock trading. Alberto Gonzalez (6) did some much-needed pandering to the right. John Gosek (8), mayor of Oswego, New York, was busted trying to buy sex from teen girls. And don't miss the special Conservative Idiot story at the end, courtesy of one of our readers. Enjoy and don't forget the key!

1George W. Bush cowardice cowardice covering your ass
As Hurricane Rita swept across Texas and Louisiana, where oh where was Our Great Leader? As I'm sure you recall, when Hurricane Katrina was bearing down on New Orleans, Bush was doing this:

And this:

But not this time - after facing a barrage of criticism for his uncaring attitude towards the victims of Hurricane Katrina, Bush pulled out all the stops this week to at least make it look like he was doing something.

First Bush dropped by Texas to "get a firsthand look at the preparations that are under way for Hurricane Rita and to show our support for the first responders as they get ready for the response to Hurricane Rita," according to Scott McClellan, and then he flew to Colorado so he could "ride out the storm" at Northern Command headquarters in Colorado Springs.

How... bold. Leave it to David Gregory to ask the question that was on everybody's lips: "Might you get in the way, Mr. President?" (Video hosted by canofun.com.) Enjoy the look on Bush's face.

Mind you, its hard to tell whether the storm Bush was trying to ride out was Hurricane Rita, or the enormous storm of criticism aimed at his Iraq policies by anti-war activists who marched past the White House over the weekend.

See, believe it or not, they already have a situation room at the White House where the president can deal with national emergencies and remain in complete command of America's armed forces and all that stuff. But on the other hand, there wasn't a gigantic crowd of pissed-off patriots marching around NorthCom headquarters in Colorado. Hmm.

2Kristinn Taylor hypocrisy
This weekend hundreds of thousands of anti-war protesters gathered in Los Angeles...

...San Francisco...

...Seattle...

...Washington D.C....

...and various other locations around the country. Speakers applauded the sacrifices our troops have made, and crowds prayed for their safety. The mission: to promote peace, to protest George W. Bush's decision to invade and occupy Iraq, and to pressure the administration into saving American troops from continued bloodshed by bringing them home.

But there was another rally on the National Mall last weekend, a rally which had a much stranger purpose. On the surface Sunday's pro-troops rally, organized by Kristinn Taylor of Free Republic and headlined by convicted felon G. Gordon Liddy, had the same purpose as Saturday's massive rally and march: to support the troops and honor their sacrifices. Oddly enough though, the people who gathered on Sunday think that the best way to do that is to keep the troops in Iraq, and "support" them as they come home in body bags, or with limbs missing.

Fortunately these people, who have got their noses so far up George W. Bush's backside that they're blinded to the truth, are increasingly becoming a minority in America. That was evident when no more than a few hundred people showed up at the Mall on Sunday. According to the Associated Press, Kristinn Taylor "said organizers were prepared for 20,000 people to attend the pro-military rally." Now who's living in fantasy-land?

Bizarrely, the majority of the speakers focused on bashing Cindy Sheehan. Apparently they think she's more responsible for American troops dying in Iraq than Our Great Leader is.

So how long will it be before these people wake up and realize that they're the radicals? Hundreds of thousands showed up on Saturday to support the troops and protest the man who put them in harm's way; on Sunday, dozens showed up to support the troops by trashing a woman who lost her son in Iraq. Talk about "out of the mainstream."

3Bill Frist greed greed excessive spin
Uh oh! Fristians everywhere will be disappointed to learn that old Bill has become the next Republican leader to come under investigation for ethics violations. The Washington Post revealed last week that the Senate Majority Leader recently sold all his shares in a corporation "about two weeks before it issued a disappointing earnings report and the price fell nearly 15 percent." Oh, piffle, I hear you cry, surely that was just a coincidence! Senator Doctor Bill "Follow The Balloon" Frist would never attempt such an unethical maneuver!

Oh really? Then you may be interested to know that the corporation in question was in fact his family's hospital corporation. But, uh, surely Bill had no idea that it was about to issue a disappointing earnings report... or... something.

Subsequently, a spokesperson for Bill Frist attempted to spin the matter hard enough to make it zip right off the table and disappear under the sofa. See, in Bill's Bizarro World, insider trading is the right thing to do. "To avoid any appearance of a conflict of interest," said his spokesperson, "Senator Frist went beyond what ethics requires and sold the stock." Um, what?

Allow me to explain. Apparently Frist had been criticized in the past for owning stock in a medical company while simultaneously handling legislation which could affect the medical industry, although the holdings were kept in a "blind trust" so he never knew how much money was actually involved. He could however, tell the trust manager when to sell the stock, which he did.

So it seems that despite being previously criticized for a conflict of interest - and later cleared by the Senate Select Committee on Ethics - Bill decided to suddenly sell all of his stock out of the blue to avoid such a conflict of interest, which he was already cleared of.

Therefore, as you can see, the fact that the his family's company was about to release a dismal earnings report which would cause the stock to drop precipitously clearly had nothing to do with it. Plus, it's unclear whether you can get HIV from sweat, and Terri Schiavo wasn't in a vegetative state.

Just wanted to clear that up.

4George W. Bush covering your ass
George W. Bush announced last week that his very own domestic security adviser, Frances Fragos Townsend, will "lead an internal White House inquiry into the administration's performance in handling Hurricane Katrina," according to the New York Times. And you can be sure that such an investigation will no doubt be extremely thorough and, of course, non-partisan.

First a bit of background. On Saturday August 27, Gov. Blanco requested that George W. Bush declare a state of emergency in Louisiana. Bush agreed and accepted full federal responsibility: "Specifically, FEMA is authorized to identify, mobilize, and provide at its discretion, equipment and resources necessary to alleviate the impacts of the emergency."

So let's take a quick look at what Ms. Fragos Townsend will be investigating, courtesy of Kevin Drum's Katrina Timeline, and the likely conclusions she may arrive at.

"The agency [FEMA] dispatched only 7 of its 28 urban search and rescue teams to the area before the storm hit and sent no workers at all into New Orleans until after the hurricane passed on Monday, Aug. 29." - New York Times

"FEMA had already stockpiled for immediate distribution 2.7 million liters of water, 1.3 million meals ready to eat and 17 million pounds of ice, a Department of Homeland Security official said. But Louisiana received a relatively small portion of the supplies; for example, Alabama got more than five times as much water for distribution. - Washington Post

"Hundreds of firefighters, who responded to a nationwide call for help in the disaster, were held by the federal agency in Atlanta for days of training on community relations and sexual harassment before being sent on to the devastated area." - New York Times

"On the day the levees failed, the FEMA chief issued a news release urging fire and emergency services departments outside the area 'not to respond' to calls for help from counties and states affected by the hurricane 'without being requested and lawfully dispatched by state and local authorities under mutual aid agreements.'" - Los Angeles Times

"Around midnight, at the last of the day's many conference calls, local officials ticked off their final requests for FEMA and the state. Maestri specifically asked for medical units, mortuary units, ice, water, power and National Guard troops. 'We laid it all out,' he recalled. 'And then we sat here for five days waiting. Nothing!'" - Washington Post

"FEMA would not let the trucks unload," Mr. Vines said in an interview. "The drivers were stuck for several days on the side of the road about 10 miles from Camp Beauregard. FEMA said we had to have a 'tasker number.' What in the world is a tasker number? I have no idea. It's just paperwork, and it's ridiculous." - New York Times

"More than 50 civilian aircraft responding to separate requests for evacuations from hospitals and other agencies swarmed to the area a day after Katrina hit, but FEMA blocked their efforts." - Los Angeles Times

"While people were dying in New Orleans, the U.S.S. Bataan steamed offshore, its six operating rooms, beds for 600 patients and most of its 1,200 sailors idle." - Time Magazine

"National Public Radio asked Chertoff about the thousands of people camped around New Orleans' Convention Center who said no food or supplies had arrived. Chertoff said that sounded to him like nothing more than a rumor. 'I have not heard a report of thousands of people in the convention center who do not have food and water,' he said." - Los Angeles Times

So as you can see, the federal government is in no way responsible for anything that happened to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Clearly the only people to blame for the aftermath of Katrina are the governor of Louisiana and the mayor of New Orleans.

Upon further investigation it has become apparent that Gov. Blanco and Mayor Nagin are also responsible for America's massive budget deficit, the failure to find Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction, the terrorist attacks on 9/11, the deaths of almost 2000 U.S. soldiers in Iraq, the recent leap in gas prices, and the outing of undercover CIA agent Valerie Plame. They also killed Kenny, shot J.R., and ate the three bears' porridge.

Yours sincerely,

Frances Fragos Townsend,
Domestic Security Adviser

PS. I hope Deborah Majoras's investigation into oil price gouging is equally successful.

5George W. Bush booze
Uh oh! You know there's trouble brewing when the National Enquirer gets on your case. "BUSH'S BOOZE CRISIS" screamed the headline last week as the Enquirer announced that Our Great Leader is back on the bottle:

Bush, who said he quit drinking the morning after his 40th birthday, has started boozing amid the Katrina catastrophe.

Family sources have told how the 59-year-old president was caught by First Lady Laura downing a shot of booze at their family ranch in Crawford, Texas, when he learned of the hurricane disaster.

His worried wife yelled at him: "Stop, George."

Shame she didn't yell that before he invaded Iraq. But wait, there's more:

Following the shocking incident, disclosed here for the first time, Laura privately warned her husband against "falling off the wagon" and vowed to travel with him more often so that she can keep an eye on Dubya, the sources add.

"When the levees broke in New Orleans, it apparently made him reach for a shot," said one insider. "He poured himself a Texas-sized shot of straight whiskey and tossed it back. The First Lady was shocked and shouted: "Stop George!"

"Laura gave him an ultimatum before, 'It's Jim Beam or me.' She doesn't want to replay that nightmare - especially now when it's such tough going for her husband."

Shocking stuff. But to be honest, I think the Enquirer has missed the boat here. Let's face it, George W. Bush seems completely paralytic almost all the time. He slurs his words, can't complete sentences, and falls on his face with such alarming regularity that I'm surprised it took them this long to latch on to the story.

I mean, would you associate the word "sober" with these pictures?




And then there's the video evidence, of course...

6Alberto Gonzalez pandering pandering dumb
Wonderful news - the war on terrorism is over! Sure, nobody's actually made a formal announcement yet, but it has to be over if the FBI is now diverting its resources towards the war against... porn.

"Early last month, the bureau's Washington Field Office began recruiting for a new anti-obscenity squad. Attached to the job posting was a July 29 Electronic Communication from FBI headquarters to all 56 field offices, describing the initiative as 'one of the top priorities' of Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales," reported the Washington Post last week.

It seems that the new Porn Squad will comprise of eight agents, a supervisor, and "assorted support staff," and will focus on porn manufacturers - "not the kind exploiting children, but the kind that depicts, and is marketed to, consenting adults." And the crazy bastards at the Family Research Council have announced that the new Porn Squad gives them "a growing sense of confidence in our new attorney general."

Hmm... so the previously-unpopular-among-conservatives Alberto Gonzalez has managed to throw a bone to the radical right (literally and metaphorically), just in time for Bush to make another appointment to the Supreme Court. How convenient!

7 George W. Bush hypocrisy
While the FBI is apparently focusing on American porn - "the kind," if I may mention this again, "that depicts, and is marketed to, consenting adults," - George W. Bush last week demonstrated his commitment to cracking down on the international sex trade by, um, doing nothing.

Back in June the State Department made a list of 14 countries which they felt were deserving of sanctions if they didn't do more to stop sex slavery. Several of those countries started to clean up their act, but others got a free pass. For example, the Associated Press reported last week that "President Bush decided Wednesday to waive any financial sanctions on Saudi Arabia, Washington's closest Arab ally in the war on terrorism, for failing to do enough to stop the modern-day slave trade in prostitutes, child sex workers and forced laborers."

I guess if you're going to have a morals and values drive it makes sense to stop Joe Six-pack downloading nudie pictures in the privacy of his own home before you start sanctioning nations with thriving sex slavery and kiddie porn trades.

8John Gosek sex
And here's another case from the Conservative Morals and Values File: meet John Gosek, mayor of Oswego, New York. Mr. Gosek was recently busted by the FBI after he paid a woman $250 in an attempt to have sex...

Wait for it!

...after he paid a woman $250 in an attempt to have sex with two 15-year-old girls in a hotel room.

Perhaps he should have had a good hard think about the reasons for the term "jailbait," because Mr. Gosek showed up at the hotel room at the appointed time only to find the FBI waiting for him. An affidavit filed last week by the FBI said that, "Gosek made numerous inquiries about the women, including their anatomies, ages, dispositions" - and allegedly did all this from a cell phone paid for by the city of Oswego, no less.

And it seems this wasn't the first time - back in 2004 state police had recorded Gosek attempting to arrange sex with a 14-year-old. In that particular case he apparently promised drugs as well as money.

Just in case you're wondering whether Gosek is actually a Republican - well, let's just say you won't be surprised.

9Bill O'Reilly excessive spin
Bill the Shill had this to say about George W. Bush's recent speech to the United Nations:

Bush to address the U.N., says we must be steadfast in battling terrorism. I'm sure all the U.N. people fell asleep. They don't really care about anything over there at all. I just wish Katrina had only hit the United Nations building, nothing else, just had flooded them out. And I wouldn't have rescued them.

Of course you wouldn't, Bill. You're a blustering, indolent fuckhead.

10You'll Find Out When You Get To The End
And finally, I wouldn't normally do this but this is such a great story that it has to be done: I'm going to crib in its entirety a post from the DU message board. You'll find out who the conservative idiot is when you get to the end. Here's the story, courtesy of VolcanoJen...

OK, everyone, I just received the most hilarious phone call from one of my friends, KC, in San Francisco. 100% true, and it just happened tonight.

KC and his friend decided to get some crab, so they went to Nonna Rose Seafood in Fisherman's Wharf. They wanted one of the outside tables, waited a few minutes, and were seated.

Just after they sat down, they heard a gruff man at the table next to them complaining to his waiter. "I thought you said I'd get some privacy here," he complained. "We're very busy tonight, sir, I'm sorry" he replied.

So, KC glances over at this guy. He's an older guy, strange-looking, by himself, reading a magazine, and there's a little grey-haired poodle at his feet, lapping water like crazy out of a very nice dish. He absolutely glares at my friend.

KC leans across the table and whispers, "What an asshole," to his buddy. "Poor dog," his friend answers.

They're well into appetizers when the man calls over the server by crooking his finger. "Get the manager," he commands.

"Is something wrong?" the server says.

"Yes, I need to move my dog's water dish, but I'm not going to touch it myself."

Now, KC just about drops his fork when he hears this. I'm still a bartender, and he used to be, and that's got to be one of the most condescending requests he's ever heard. The server rolls his eyes at KC and his friend, walks away, and soon the manager shows up.

"Sir?"

"Well, how am I supposed to touch this food after touching the dog's bowl? Move it and bring him another one!" he yells.

At this point, KC's friend says to him, "You know, that guy looks familiar. He even sounds familiar. I think he's famous or something."

The manager actually kneels down and starts to move the bowl when the man screams out, "What are you doing?? Make the busboy do that!!"

KC and his friend actually burst out laughing at this point. They look over at the guy, and KC says it looks like he's about to bare teeth.

Eventually, a poor busboy is dispatched to move the dog's bowl. The man finishes his dinner, glares at KC's table, gets up and leaves.

They immediately call their server over.

"Hey, was that someone famous? He sure was an asshole."

"Yeh," the server said. "He eats here pretty often."

"So is he someone famous? He looks familiar, kinda."

"Oh, him?" the server says. "That's Michael Savage."

See you next week! 

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