The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
September 26, 2005
Run And Hide Edition
to avoid a repeat of their Katrina fiasco, George W. Bush (1, 4,
5, 7) rode out Hurricane Rita in Northern Command headquarters in
Colorado Springs, looking utterly bored. Or perhaps he was riding
out the anti-war protests. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (3)
seems to have engaged in some pretty shady stock trading. Alberto
Gonzalez (6) did some much-needed pandering to the right. John Gosek
(8), mayor of Oswego, New York, was busted trying to buy sex from
teen girls. And don't miss the special Conservative Idiot story
at the end, courtesy of one of our readers. Enjoy and don't forget
As Hurricane Rita swept across Texas and Louisiana, where oh
where was Our Great Leader? As I'm sure you recall, when Hurricane
Katrina was bearing down on New Orleans, Bush was doing this:
But not this time - after facing a barrage of criticism for his
uncaring attitude towards the victims of Hurricane Katrina, Bush
pulled out all the stops this week to at least make it look
like he was doing something.
First Bush dropped by Texas to "get a firsthand look at the
preparations that are under way for Hurricane Rita and to show our
support for the first responders as they get ready for the response
to Hurricane Rita," according
to Scott McClellan, and then he flew to Colorado so he could
"ride out the storm" at Northern Command headquarters
in Colorado Springs.
How... bold. Leave it to David Gregory to ask the question that
was on everybody's lips: "Might
you get in the way, Mr. President?" (Video hosted by canofun.com.)
Enjoy the look on Bush's face.
Mind you, its hard to tell whether the storm Bush was trying to
ride out was Hurricane Rita, or the enormous storm of criticism
aimed at his Iraq policies by anti-war activists who marched past
the White House over the weekend.
See, believe it or not, they already have a situation room at the
White House where the president can deal with national emergencies
and remain in complete command of America's armed forces and all
that stuff. But on the other hand, there wasn't a gigantic crowd
of pissed-off patriots marching around NorthCom headquarters in
This weekend hundreds of thousands of anti-war protesters gathered
in Los Angeles...
...and various other locations around the country. Speakers applauded
the sacrifices our troops have made, and crowds prayed for their
safety. The mission: to promote peace, to protest George W. Bush's
decision to invade and occupy Iraq, and to pressure the administration
into saving American troops from continued bloodshed by bringing
But there was another rally on the National Mall last weekend,
a rally which had a much stranger purpose. On the surface Sunday's
pro-troops rally, organized by Kristinn Taylor of Free Republic
and headlined by convicted felon G. Gordon Liddy, had the same purpose
as Saturday's massive rally and march: to support the troops and
honor their sacrifices. Oddly enough though, the people who gathered
on Sunday think that the best way to do that is to keep the troops
in Iraq, and "support" them as they come home in body
bags, or with limbs missing.
Fortunately these people, who have got their noses so far up George
W. Bush's backside that they're blinded to the truth, are increasingly
becoming a minority in America. That was evident when no more
than a few hundred people showed up at the Mall on Sunday. According
to the Associated Press, Kristinn Taylor "said organizers
were prepared for 20,000 people to attend the pro-military rally."
Now who's living in fantasy-land?
Bizarrely, the majority of the speakers focused on bashing Cindy
Sheehan. Apparently they think she's more responsible for American
troops dying in Iraq than Our Great Leader is.
So how long will it be before these people wake up and realize
that they're the radicals? Hundreds of thousands showed up
on Saturday to support the troops and protest the man who put them
in harm's way; on Sunday, dozens showed up to support the troops
by trashing a woman who lost her son in Iraq. Talk about "out
of the mainstream."
Uh oh! Fristians everywhere will be disappointed to learn that
old Bill has become the next Republican leader to come under investigation
for ethics violations. The Washington Post revealed
last week that the Senate Majority Leader recently sold all his
shares in a corporation "about two weeks before it issued a disappointing
earnings report and the price fell nearly 15 percent." Oh, piffle,
I hear you cry, surely that was just a coincidence! Senator Doctor
Bill "Follow The Balloon" Frist would never attempt such an unethical
Oh really? Then you may be interested to know that the corporation
in question was in fact his family's hospital corporation. But,
uh, surely Bill had no idea that it was about to issue a disappointing
earnings report... or... something.
Subsequently, a spokesperson for Bill Frist attempted to spin
the matter hard enough to make it zip right off the table and disappear
under the sofa. See, in Bill's Bizarro World, insider trading is
the right thing to do. "To avoid any appearance of a conflict
of interest," said his spokesperson, "Senator Frist went beyond
what ethics requires and sold the stock." Um, what?
Allow me to explain. Apparently Frist had been criticized in the
past for owning stock in a medical company while simultaneously
handling legislation which could affect the medical industry, although
the holdings were kept in a "blind trust" so he never knew how much
money was actually involved. He could however, tell the trust
manager when to sell the stock, which he did.
So it seems that despite being previously criticized for a conflict
of interest - and later cleared by the Senate Select Committee on
Ethics - Bill decided to suddenly sell all of his stock out of the
blue to avoid such a conflict of interest, which he was already
Therefore, as you can see, the fact that the his family's company
was about to release a dismal earnings report which would cause
the stock to drop precipitously clearly had nothing to do with it.
Plus, it's unclear whether you can get HIV from sweat, and Terri
Schiavo wasn't in a vegetative state.
Just wanted to clear that up.
George W. Bush announced last week that his very own domestic
security adviser, Frances Fragos Townsend, will "lead an internal
White House inquiry into the administration's performance in handling
Hurricane Katrina," according to the New York Times.
And you can be sure that such an investigation will no doubt be
extremely thorough and, of course, non-partisan.
First a bit of background. On Saturday August 27, Gov. Blanco requested
that George W. Bush declare a state of emergency in Louisiana. Bush
agreed and accepted
full federal responsibility: "Specifically, FEMA is authorized
to identify, mobilize, and provide at its discretion, equipment
and resources necessary to alleviate the impacts of the emergency."
So let's take a quick look at what Ms. Fragos Townsend will be
investigating, courtesy of Kevin Drum's Katrina
Timeline, and the likely conclusions she may arrive at.
"The agency [FEMA] dispatched only 7 of its 28 urban search
and rescue teams to the area before the storm hit and sent no
workers at all into New Orleans until after the hurricane passed
on Monday, Aug. 29." - New York Times
"FEMA had already stockpiled for immediate distribution 2.7 million
liters of water, 1.3 million meals ready to eat and 17 million
pounds of ice, a Department of Homeland Security official said.
But Louisiana received a relatively small portion of the supplies;
for example, Alabama got more than five times as much water for
distribution. - Washington Post
"Hundreds of firefighters, who responded to a nationwide call
for help in the disaster, were held by the federal agency in Atlanta
for days of training on community relations and sexual harassment
before being sent on to the devastated area." - New York Times
"On the day the levees failed, the FEMA chief issued a news release
urging fire and emergency services departments outside the area
'not to respond' to calls for help from counties and states affected
by the hurricane 'without being requested and lawfully dispatched
by state and local authorities under mutual aid agreements.'"
- Los Angeles Times
"Around midnight, at the last of the day's many conference calls,
local officials ticked off their final requests for FEMA and the
state. Maestri specifically asked for medical units, mortuary
units, ice, water, power and National Guard troops. 'We laid it
all out,' he recalled. 'And then we sat here for five days waiting.
Nothing!'" - Washington Post
"FEMA would not let the trucks unload," Mr. Vines said in an
interview. "The drivers were stuck for several days on the side
of the road about 10 miles from Camp Beauregard. FEMA said we
had to have a 'tasker number.' What in the world is a tasker number?
I have no idea. It's just paperwork, and it's ridiculous." - New
"More than 50 civilian aircraft responding to separate requests
for evacuations from hospitals and other agencies swarmed to the
area a day after Katrina hit, but FEMA blocked their efforts."
- Los Angeles Times
"While people were dying in New Orleans, the U.S.S. Bataan steamed
offshore, its six operating rooms, beds for 600 patients and most
of its 1,200 sailors idle." - Time Magazine
"National Public Radio asked Chertoff about the thousands of
people camped around New Orleans' Convention Center who said no
food or supplies had arrived. Chertoff said that sounded to him
like nothing more than a rumor. 'I have not heard a report of
thousands of people in the convention center who do not have food
and water,' he said." - Los Angeles Times
So as you can see, the federal government is in no way responsible
for anything that happened to the victims of Hurricane Katrina.
Clearly the only people to blame for the aftermath of Katrina are
the governor of Louisiana and the mayor of New Orleans.
Upon further investigation it has become apparent that Gov. Blanco
and Mayor Nagin are also responsible for America's massive budget
deficit, the failure to find Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction,
the terrorist attacks on 9/11, the deaths of almost 2000 U.S. soldiers
in Iraq, the recent leap in gas prices, and the outing of undercover
CIA agent Valerie Plame. They also killed Kenny, shot J.R., and
ate the three bears' porridge.
Frances Fragos Townsend,
Domestic Security Adviser
PS. I hope Deborah Majoras's investigation
into oil price gouging is equally successful.
Uh oh! You know there's trouble brewing when the National
Enquirer gets on your case. "BUSH'S BOOZE CRISIS"
screamed the headline last week as the Enquirer announced
that Our Great Leader is back on the bottle:
Bush, who said he quit drinking the morning after his 40th birthday,
has started boozing amid the Katrina catastrophe.
Family sources have told how the 59-year-old president was caught
by First Lady Laura downing a shot of booze at their family ranch
in Crawford, Texas, when he learned of the hurricane disaster.
His worried wife yelled at him: "Stop, George."
Shame she didn't yell that before he invaded Iraq. But wait, there's
Following the shocking incident, disclosed here for the first
time, Laura privately warned her husband against "falling off
the wagon" and vowed to travel with him more often so that she
can keep an eye on Dubya, the sources add.
"When the levees broke in New Orleans, it apparently made him
reach for a shot," said one insider. "He poured himself a Texas-sized
shot of straight whiskey and tossed it back. The First Lady was
shocked and shouted: "Stop George!"
"Laura gave him an ultimatum before, 'It's Jim Beam or me.' She
doesn't want to replay that nightmare - especially now when it's
such tough going for her husband."
Shocking stuff. But to be honest, I think the Enquirer has
missed the boat here. Let's face it, George W. Bush seems completely
paralytic almost all the time. He slurs his words, can't complete
sentences, and falls on his face with such alarming regularity that
I'm surprised it took them this long to latch on to the story.
I mean, would you associate the word "sober" with these
And then there's the video
evidence, of course...
Wonderful news - the war on terrorism is over! Sure, nobody's
actually made a formal announcement yet, but it has to be
over if the FBI is now diverting its resources towards the war against...
"Early last month, the bureau's Washington Field Office began
recruiting for a new anti-obscenity squad. Attached to the job posting
was a July 29 Electronic Communication from FBI headquarters to
all 56 field offices, describing the initiative as 'one of the top
priorities' of Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales," reported
the Washington Post last week.
It seems that the new Porn Squad will comprise of eight agents,
a supervisor, and "assorted support staff," and will focus
on porn manufacturers - "not the kind exploiting children,
but the kind that depicts, and is marketed to, consenting adults."
And the crazy bastards at the Family Research Council have announced
that the new Porn Squad gives them "a growing sense of confidence
in our new attorney general."
Hmm... so the previously-unpopular-among-conservatives Alberto
Gonzalez has managed to throw a bone to the radical right (literally
and metaphorically), just in time for Bush to make another appointment
to the Supreme Court. How convenient!
George W. Bush
While the FBI is apparently focusing on American porn - "the
kind," if I may mention this again, "that depicts, and
is marketed to, consenting adults," - George W. Bush last week
demonstrated his commitment to cracking down on the international
sex trade by, um, doing nothing.
Back in June the State Department made a list of 14 countries which
they felt were deserving of sanctions if they didn't do more to
stop sex slavery. Several of those countries started to clean up
their act, but others got a free pass. For example, the Associated
last week that "President Bush decided Wednesday to waive any
financial sanctions on Saudi Arabia, Washington's closest Arab ally
in the war on terrorism, for failing to do enough to stop the modern-day
slave trade in prostitutes, child sex workers and forced laborers."
I guess if you're going to have a morals and values drive it makes
sense to stop Joe Six-pack downloading nudie pictures in the privacy
of his own home before you start sanctioning nations with thriving
sex slavery and kiddie porn trades.
And here's another case from the Conservative Morals and Values
File: meet John Gosek, mayor of Oswego, New York. Mr. Gosek was
recently busted by the FBI after he paid a woman $250 in an attempt
to have sex...
Wait for it!
...after he paid a woman $250 in an attempt to have sex with two
15-year-old girls in a hotel room.
Perhaps he should have had a good hard think about the reasons
for the term "jailbait," because Mr. Gosek showed up at
the hotel room at the appointed time only to find the FBI waiting
for him. An affidavit filed last week by the FBI said
that, "Gosek made numerous inquiries about the women, including
their anatomies, ages, dispositions" - and allegedly did all
this from a cell phone paid for by the city of Oswego, no less.
And it seems this wasn't the first time - back in 2004 state police
had recorded Gosek attempting to arrange sex with a 14-year-old.
In that particular case he apparently promised drugs as well as
Just in case you're wondering whether Gosek is actually a Republican
- well, let's just say you won't
Bill the Shill had this
to say about George W. Bush's recent speech to the United Nations:
Bush to address the U.N., says we must be steadfast in battling
terrorism. I'm sure all the U.N. people fell asleep. They don't
really care about anything over there at all. I just wish Katrina
had only hit the United Nations building, nothing else, just had
flooded them out. And I wouldn't have rescued them.
Of course you wouldn't, Bill. You're a blustering, indolent fuckhead.
Find Out When You Get To The End
And finally, I wouldn't normally do this but this is such a
great story that it has to be done: I'm going to crib in its entirety
a post from the DU message board. You'll find out who the conservative
idiot is when you get to the end. Here's the story, courtesy
OK, everyone, I just received the most hilarious phone call from
one of my friends, KC, in San Francisco. 100% true, and it just
KC and his friend decided to get some crab, so they went to Nonna
Rose Seafood in Fisherman's Wharf. They wanted one of the outside
tables, waited a few minutes, and were seated.
Just after they sat down, they heard a gruff man at the table
next to them complaining to his waiter. "I thought you said
I'd get some privacy here," he complained. "We're very
busy tonight, sir, I'm sorry" he replied.
So, KC glances over at this guy. He's an older guy, strange-looking,
by himself, reading a magazine, and there's a little grey-haired
poodle at his feet, lapping water like crazy out of a very nice
dish. He absolutely glares at my friend.
KC leans across the table and whispers, "What an asshole,"
to his buddy. "Poor dog," his friend answers.
They're well into appetizers when the man calls over the server
by crooking his finger. "Get the manager," he commands.
"Is something wrong?" the server says.
"Yes, I need to move my dog's water dish, but I'm not going
to touch it myself."
Now, KC just about drops his fork when he hears this. I'm still
a bartender, and he used to be, and that's got to be one of the
most condescending requests he's ever heard. The server rolls
his eyes at KC and his friend, walks away, and soon the manager
"Well, how am I supposed to touch this food after touching
the dog's bowl? Move it and bring him another one!" he yells.
At this point, KC's friend says to him, "You know, that
guy looks familiar. He even sounds familiar. I think he's famous
The manager actually kneels down and starts to move the bowl
when the man screams out, "What are you doing?? Make the
busboy do that!!"
KC and his friend actually burst out laughing at this point.
They look over at the guy, and KC says it looks like he's about
to bare teeth.
Eventually, a poor busboy is dispatched to move the dog's bowl.
The man finishes his dinner, glares at KC's table, gets up and
They immediately call their server over.
"Hey, was that someone famous? He sure was an asshole."
"Yeh," the server said. "He eats here pretty often."
"So is he someone famous? He looks familiar, kinda."
"Oh, him?" the server says. "That's Michael
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