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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 212)

August 29, 2005
Who Would Jesus Whack? Edition

This week we have an unlikely religious discussion about the merits of assassination, as Pat Robertson (1,2) leaves the 700 Club and joins the 007 club. Meanwhile, Reuel Marc Gerecht (3) thinks that women aren't particularly important in a democracy, George W. Bush (4) won't meet with Cindy Sheehan twice (but it's hasn't stopped him meeting other military moms twice), and Bush spokesman David Almacy (6) has been doing his best to cover the president's ass. Elsewhere, Rick Santorum (7) is confusing himself, Rush Limbaugh (8) needs to go back into rehab, and Sean Hannity (9) could be about to shoot himself in the foot. Don't forget the key!

1Pat Robertson religious nut hypocrisy dumb
So who would Jesus whack? Well... nobody. In fact, Jesus was more interested in doing stuff like curing people with terminal diseases, and even raised somebody from the dead at one point. Impressive.

But all that turn the other cheek and love thy neighbor nonsense is just so 33 AD. This is the 21st Century! And without wishing to speak for Jesus, I have the feeling he'd puke on his sandals if he were around today to witness what some folks are doing in his name.

On August 22, the Rev. Pat Robertson - who has bilked millions of dollars from the poor and unfortunate by pretending that he can save them from eternity in hell - decided that the Christian Broadcasting Network (which he owns) would be a great place to call for the assassination of Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez:

REV. PAT: He has destroyed the Venezuelan economy, and he's going to make that a launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism all over the continent. You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think we really ought to go ahead and do it.

Whoa Nellie! Let me just check my Commandments here... yup, there it is, number six: "Thou shalt not kill." Now, you'll notice that it doesn't say anything about fantasizing about killing - but after checking Kirk Cameron's informative website WayOfTheMaster.com, I learned that the Sixth Commandment means "God sees hatred in the heart to be as wicked as murder. We can violate His Law by attitude and intent." So I guess Pat's fucked then.

Let's continue...

REV. PAT: It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war, and I don't think any oil shipments will stop, but this man is a terrific danger, and the United States - this is in our sphere of influence. We can't let this happen. We have the Monroe Doctrine. We have other doctrines that we have announced, and without question, this is a dangerous enemy to our south, controlling a huge pool of oil, that could hurt us very badly.

Hey, whatever happened to that "reducing our dependence on foreign oil" stuff anyway? Oh well, I guess we don't need it when we can just bump off any old world leader we happen to disapprove of. Just as long as the oil shipments keep coming in! Moving on...

REV. PAT: We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with.

Strong-arm dictator eh? Wow, this guy sounds worse than Saddam Hussein! Except that unlike Saddam Hussein, Chávez was democratically elected. According to Wikipedia, "Chávez won the presidential election on December 6, 1998 with the largest percent of voters (56.2%) in four decades. ... He is up for re-election in 2006, and recent polls suggest he has about 70 percent popularity."

I guess Pat just hates Venezuelans for their freedoms.

2Pat Robertson religious nut lying lying hypocrisy
So what's a good "Christian" (I'll use scare quotes just in case anyone thinks I'm associating Pat with real Christians) to do when he gets caught advocating the assassination of a foreign leader live on television? Here's what. Two days after he first made the comments, Pat appeared on CBN once more to defend himself:

REV. PAT: I didn't say "assassination." I said our special forces should, quote, "take him out," and "take him out" can be a number of things including kidnapping. There are a number of ways to take out a dictator from power besides killing him. I was misinterpreted by the AP, but that happens all the time.

Uh, okay. Let's just take one more quick look at what Pat actually said 48 hours earlier:

REV. PAT: You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think we really ought to go ahead and do it.

One more time! On August 22:

REV. PAT: If he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think we really ought to go ahead and do it.

And on August 24:

REV. PAT: I didn't say "assassination."

Now, if I'm not mistaken, Pat just told a blatant lie! Let me take a quick look at my Commandments again... yes, there we have it, number nine, "Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor."

Once again I'll refer to resident expert Kirk Cameron on this. WayOfTheMaster.com says of the Ninth Commandment, "Have you ever told a lie? Then you are a liar. How many murders do you have to commit to be a murderer? Just one. If you have told even one lie, that makes you a liar. The Bible warns that all liars will have their part in the Lake of Fire (Revelation 21:8). You may not think deceitfulness is a serious sin, but God does."

Yeah, Pat's definitely fucked.

3Reuel Marc Gerecht misogyny misogyny excessive spin
Our Great Leader's Great Iraq Experiment took an interesting turn last week when the first draft of the new Iraqi constitution was revealed. Curiously, in George W. Bush's attempt to spread freedom and democracy across the Middle East, he appears to have created an Islamic theocracy where there wasn't one before. (But hey - it's not like anybody could have predicted that, right?)

For example, Article 2 of the new Iraqi constitution says: "Islam is the official religion of the state and is a basic source of legislation... No law can be passed that contradicts the undisputed rules of Islam."

Which means that women could soon be in deep trouble in Iraq. While Iraqi ambassador Rend Rahim says that Islamic law does guarantee rights for women, she is worried about "arbitrary interpretations." According to the CS Monitor, "some interpretations allow for men to beat their wives, give men more inheritance rights than women, and consider a woman's testimony to be worth less than a man's when it comes to legal disputes."

Even Safia Taleb al-Suhail, the Iraqi woman who sat with Laura Bush at the most recent State of the Union Address (and gave Our Great Leader some good PR by hugging the mother of an American soldier serving in Iraq), said last week: "When we came back from exile, we thought we were going to improve rights and the position of women. But look what has happened - we have lost all the gains we made over the last 30 years. It's a big disappointment."

What were you saying about freedom, George?

But let's face it - there is not one single issue that Bush toadies cannot attempt to spin. So last week it was down to first-class idiot Reuel Marc Gerecht to give David Gregory the good news on Meet the Press:

GERECHT: Actually, I'm not terribly worried about this. I mean, one hopes that the Iraqis protect women's social rights as much as possible. It certainly seems clear that in protecting the political rights, there's no discussion of women not having the right to vote. I think it's important to remember that in the year 1900, for example, in the United States, it was a democracy then. In 1900, women did not have the right to vote. If Iraqis could develop a democracy that resembled America in the 1900s, I think we'd all be thrilled. I mean, women's social rights are not critical to the evolution of democracy. We hope they're there. I think they will be there. But I think we need to put this into perspective.

I don't remember George W. Bush saying anything about freedom only applying to people with penises. Must've missed that bit. And why do I get the feeling that there are quite a few people out there who would be thrilled if America had a democracy that resembled America in the year 1900?

4George W. Bush cowardice cowardice hypocrisy hypocrisy
When it comes to meeting with Cindy Sheehan, we've heard one main argument from Bush's supporters: He already met with her! He already met with her! Waaah! He already met with her! (Emphasis mine.)

But apparently that's only a problem if you have a question for the president - especially a question that he can't answer. See, last week George W. Bush met with Dawn Rowe of Gooding, Idaho, whose husband Alan was tragically killed by an IED in September 2004. And guess what? George W. Bush previously met with Dawn Rowe in December 2004.

Dawn Rowe supports the war in Iraq. Cindy Sheehan does not. Both have lost loved ones in the conflict, but only Cindy wants to know why - what is the supposedly "noble cause" these men are dying for? It's a shame that George W. Bush isn't brave enough to give her an answer face-to-face.

5Republican Gun-Jumpers dumb
Two curious cases of mistaken identity were revealed last week, both perpetrated by dumbass Republicans who were way too quick to pounce when they smelled political blood in the water.

First, Wisconsin Republican Party Chairman Rick Graber, along with local GOP lawmakers Rep. Jeff Stone and Sen. Joe Leibham, staged a news conference outside a Milwaukee home in order to decry voter fraud. According to the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, "The politicians didn't release names, but their presence implicated the private home that formed the news conference backdrop."

Just one problem - there was never any evidence that the couple who own the home, Stuart and Gayle Schenk, were involved in voter fraud. Nor was there any evidence to implicate their son, Joseph, who is currently in Chicago studying to join the Franciscan order of the Roman Catholic Church. Whoops. Still, it was nice of the Wisconsin Republican Party to make them look like a bunch of crooks.

The second tale of mistaken identity is more serious. Earlier this month Fox News ran a report on a suspected "Islamic radical" living in La Habra, CA. And Fox News being Fox News, they actually gave out the address of his home live on air.

If only Fox News had checked their facts (yeah, right). See, it turns out that the "Islamic radical" Fox fingered actually moved out of the house three years ago. Currently living in the house are Randy and Ronnell Vorick, who, as far as anyone knows, are neither Islamic nor radical.

Still, it hasn't stopped local wankers from shouting profanities at them on the street. The Voricks have also enjoyed the privilege of having someone spray-paint the word "terrorist" on their front of their house - spelled, if you can believe it, "terrist." And now they're living under police protection.

Ah, Fox News, that bastion of quality broadcasting. And their viewers are such nice people too.

6David Almacy covering your ass covering your ass covering your ass
Waah! Turns out the White House isn't too happy about the hits Bush has been taking for his extended vacation. So much so, in fact, that they've decided to pretend he isn't on vacation at all.

Bush spokesman David Almacy insisted last week that there was only one reason George W. Bush was in Crawford and not in Washington: because the White House is being renovated.

Oh really? I guess that would make this the 49th time the White House has been renovated in the last four and a half years then. Or maybe all those awful Clinton staffers have snuck back in and vandalized it again, you never know. Porn bombs can be awfully tricky to clean up.

Almacy continued: "He's operating on a full schedule; he's just doing it from the ranch instead of from the White House." For those who are curious, here's what Bush looks like operating on a full schedule:


Photo: Associated Press

No one's allowed to overtake him, you know.

7 Rick Santorum lying
Poor Rick Santorum. We've been keeping an eye on the Pennsylvania senator's recent wanderings in Lunaticville (see Idiots 209, 206, 199, etc.), and it seems he's really starting to tie his own brain in knots.

For example, in a recent interview, Santorum said "he had publicly and privately raised questions about efforts to contain the insurgency and to limit Baathist involvement in the new Iraqi government," according to the Philadephia Inquirer. Santorum was responding to Democrat Robert P. Casey Jr who said the senator has not asked "tough questions" about Iraq.

Unfortunately, Santorum's office had to admit last week that it couldn't actually find any public statements made by the senator questioning the credibility of the war. His spokesman said, "a search of Nexis, a news database, and the office's press clippings had not turned up any account of those comments," again according to the Inquirer.

Careful Rick! That Ninth Commandment can be a real bummer. Take it from Kirk Cameron.

8Rush Limbaugh chickenhawk hypocrisy
And the pill-popping continues! Perhaps it's a symptom of his tumbling ratings, but last week Rush Limbaugh veered wildly from merely offensive partisan blather into fringe-wacko territory. Here's OxyContin Boy gurgling away on his show last week (I imagine Ann Coulter is going to give him an earful for stealing her shtick):

LIMBAUGH: ...all of these moments in the past where we have questioned the left and its desire to see us victorious. And the left always says, "Are you attacking my patriotism? You are attacking my patriotism, you can't attack my patriotism." And everybody's always backed down. And everybody's always said, "No, no, no, no, I'm not attacking your patriotism. I'm questioning your judgment." Well, I think we - it's time to stop dancing around this issue, folks, to tell you the truth. It's time for somebody to tell the people on the left, you're damn right we're questioning your patriotism.

Yeah, yeah. Hey Rush, if you're so gung-ho about the war and are so sure that it's the right thing to do for America, why don't you get over there and give them a hand? You're only 54 - they have reservists over there who are older than that.

Or do you still have that crippling boil on your anus?

9Sean Hannity Clinton hating excessive spin
Right-wing blowhard Sean Hannity has been leading the charge recently to spread propaganda about "Able Danger," a military intelligence unit that allegedly identified 9/11 hijacker Mohammed Atta as an Al Qaeda operative in early 2000. Hannity has, of course, been practically wetting his pants over the opportunity to blame Bill Clinton for 9/11.

There's just one problem. Well, a couple of problems actually. First, Hannity and friends have been accusing the Clinton administration of creating a "wall" between the intelligence agencies prior to 9/11, which prevented them from sharing data about Al Qaeda. Unfortunately that's not true - the "wall" was actually created by the justice departments under Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush.

Second, it turns out that one of the guys involved with Able Danger was a general by the name of Pete Schoomaker, who, according to research done at DailyKos, "repeatedly told [intelligence agents] Philpott and Shaffer that they could not inform the FBI as DoD lawyers had opined that Atta's Green Card made him a 'US Person,' that the so-called 'Gorelick Wall' prevented talking to the FBI - even though Atta was part of al-Qaeda. Shaffer and Philpott were actually ordered to put yellow sticky pads over the faces of the 4 terrorists on their Analyst Notebook chart and act as thought they don't exist."

Where is General Pete Schoomaker now? Well, he retired in December 2000, and then - would you believe it - he was hand-picked by Donald Rumsfeld to replace General Shinseki as Army Chief of Staff in 2003. How nice.

Finally, the Bush administration weren't exactly on top of the terrorist threat. Aside from ignoring Richard Clarke, the Hart-Rudman report, the infamous August 6 PDB, and other warnings about terrorism, they also dismantled Able Danger in February of 2001, just weeks after coming to power.

Gee, I hope this story doesn't come back to bite Sean Hannity in the ass. That would be unfortunate.

10John R. Curtin sex booze just plain evil
And finally, it's time for another peek into the world of conservative morals and values. This week we meet John R. Curtin, a state Republican committeeman from Pennsylvania.

According to the LeHigh Valley Morning Call, John Curtin was recently charged with "involuntary deviate sexual intercourse, sexual assault, aggravated indecent assault, indecent assault, furnishing liquor to minors, corruption of minors, and unlawful contact with a minor," after he "allegedly rented a room and threw a beer party for several boys between 13 and 17." Wow.

Surely the local Republican party would have some harsh words to say about this disgraceful situation, right? Well, not exactly. The chairwoman of the Monroe County GOP said of Curtin, "He's really a nice person. He's been a tireless worker for the party and helped many candidates. But obviously he has some personal issues to deal with and I wish him well."

Personal issues? That's an understatement. I think if I was being picky I'd have to say that boinking underage boys in a motel room after getting them shitfaced just might outweigh Curtin's status as a "tireless worker" for the Republican party. I guess the party of family values doesn't see it that way though.

The Top 10 will be taking a break next week. See you in two weeks time!

 

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