Democratic Underground

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 211)

August 22, 2005
Cross Crushing Edition

With gas prices reaching record highs conservatives are looking for a new way to fuel their vehicles, and they seem to have settled on pure vitriol. Larry Northern (1) demonstrated his support for the troops, Rush Limbaugh (4) appears to be letting the OxyContin get the better of him, and Ken Mehlman (7) delved into his bag of campaign chestnuts. Elsewhere, Bob Taft (2) is in deep doo-doo, Bill Frist (3) is pro-ignorance, and George W. Bush (5,8) is enjoying his vacation. Don't forget the key!

1Larry Northern just plain evil
This week we're going to learn some very important lessons about the new conservative mindset. Here's how it works. When you or I see this:

...we see a respectful roadside memorial to the almost 1900 American troops who have died so far in Iraq. But when a conservative idiot like this guy sees it:

...he decides to memorialize the troops by doing this:

Last week Larry Northern (pictured above) was charged with criminal mischief after he drove to Camp Casey in the middle of the night, attached a pipe and chains to the back of his pickup truck, and drove through the Arlington West memorial, mowing down crosses in his wake. How about that for supporting the troops?

Larry Northern appears to be typical of this new conservative movement: they know the war was a mistake; they know that Bush screwed it up big time - but they just can't admit it. And so they have to try to tear down anyone who chips away at the denial they've built up so strongly in their peanut-brains. If that means they have to drive over a memorial to American troops who have died in Iraq, so be it.

So for all the lurking conservatives out there, let's run through this one more time so you guys can understand:


RESPECTING THE TROOPS

With me so far?


DISRESPECTING THE TROOPS

Make sense?


GIANT ASSHOLE

Got it? Good.

2Bob Taft dumb
Ah, remember the good old days when Republicans were so keen to clean up government corruption? Something must have gone terribly wrong, because now they're being charged with criminal conduct. Last week, according to the CBC, Gov. Bob Taft of Ohio was charged with "failing to report 52 gifts, including dinners, golf games and professional hockey tickets over four years. The gifts were worth about $5,800, prosecutors said. Taft had earlier disclosed that he failed to report some outings but said the omissions were accidental."

This is the first time ever that an Ohio governor has been charged with a crime while in office. Fortunately though, Taft has decided that despite the charges, he's not going anywhere. "I want to make it very clear that I will continue to do the job for which I have been elected by the people of the state of Ohio," he said last week.

The people of the state of Ohio, eh? I wouldn't count too much on their support. Perhaps somone should remind Bob that his approval rating is now below 20%. Oh yes - and most county Republican Party chairmen across Ohio want his resignation.

Incidentally, Wikipedia says that Bob Taft can pardon himself unconditionally if he is convicted. But surely the grand conservative ethics of integrity and personal responsibiliy would prevent him from ever considering that option. Yeah right!

3Bill Frist religious nut
Ladies and gentelemen, step right up! You all know Senator Doctor Bill First as the man who once said that he didn't know if you could contract HIV from sweat. You're familiar with his "she certainly seems to respond to visual stimuli" diagnosis of Terri Schiavo, when it was later revealed that Schiavo was completely blind (see Idiots 202).

Sen. Frist recently announced his support for stem-cell research, which made a lot of radical right-wingers very annoyed - poor Bill was even snubbed by Justice Sunday II. I guess he's since realized that if he want to run for president in 2008 he's going to have put in some serious time appeasing the wackos - so the good doctor has decided to take his scientific expertise into the classroom.

Yes, last week Frist became the latest in a string of right-wing nutjobs to support the idea that so-called "Intelligent Design" should be taught alongside evolution in science classes. "I think today a pluralistic society should have access to a broad range of fact, of science, including faith," he said. Hey Bill, I've got a fact for you - you're an idiot.

I must say, with Frist's quackery, Bush's lame-duck status, and the pig-ignorant suggestion that "Intelligent Design" should be taught in science classes, Washington D.C. is starting to look like a damn barnyard.

4Rush Limbaugh lying
Two weeks ago I suggested that Rush Limbaugh should start taking drugs again because he was "much more listenable when he was high as a kite on 30 Oxycontins a day." (See Idiots 209.) Well there's some good news! It appears that Rush has taken my advice and is back on the hillbilly heroin.

On Wednesday last week Rush was shocked and outraged to discover that people were accusing him of - gasp - lying. Here he is going straight into victimization mode:

LIMBAUGH: ...apparently there is something that is out there misreporting what I have said. And of course, these people are reading that rather than listening to this program and choosing to believe it.

Apparently, what's out there is that I said that Cindy Sheehan is no different than Bill Burkett, that Bill Burkett lied and Cindy Sheehan lied. They're actually out there, people saying that I am accusing Cindy Sheehan of making up the fact that she had a son and making up the fact that her son died in Iraq. And of course, I've never said this.

Hmm. Perhaps Rush needs his memory refreshing. Here's what he said 48 hours earlier, on Monday of last week:

LIMBAUGH: I mean, Cindy Sheehan is just Bill Burkett. Her story is nothing more than forged documents. There's nothing about it that's real, including the mainstream media's glomming onto it. It's not real. It's nothing more than an attempt. It's the latest effort made by the coordinated left.

Wheee! Come on now - the guy has got to be high as a kite.

5George W. Bush cowardice chickenhawk hypocrisy warmongering lazy lying
Since Our Great Leader is apparently too cowardly to come out of his hidey-hole, this week we're going to take a look at George W. Bush by the numbers (numbers are accurate at time of writing).

1863 Number of U.S. soldiers killed in Iraq since the start of Operation Iraqi Freedom.
   
57 Number of U.S. soldiers killed in Iraq since Bush went on vacation earlier this month.
   
35 Approximate price of a barrel of oil (in U.S. dollars) in 2000 when Bush said, "What I think the president ought to do is he ought to get on the phone with the OPEC cartel and say we expect you to open your spigots. ... if in fact there is collusion amongst big oil, he ought to intercede there as well. I used to be in the oil business. ... And so I understand what can happen in the marketplace."
   
63.59 Price of a barrel of oil (in U.S. dollars) last Thursday.
   
1.52 Average price for a gallon of gasoline in September 2000.
   
2.55 Average price for a gallon of gasoline in the U.S. last week.
   
49 Bush's overall approval rating on August 2 (Rasmussen)
   
43 Bush's overall approval rating on August 18 (Rasmussen)
   
338 Number of days Bush has spent on vacation during his presidency, a new record. The previous record was held by Ronald Reagan, who spent 335 days on vacation during his eight-year presidency. Bush has topped that in just four-and-a-half years.

With stats like this, Bush will be lucky if he's still on the team by the end of the season.

6John Roberts misogyny racism
With everyone's attention currently focused on Crawford and the Iraq war, Supreme Court nominee John Roberts continues to fly under the radar. But there were several pieces of disturbing news last week which further indicate that Roberts is not the right man for the job.

According to Newsday, "In internal White House memos written in the 1980s, John G. Roberts often showed his conservative edge." Conservative edge, eh? Let's see what Roberts wrote:

In some memos, for example, he made jokes about Hispanics and women. For a 1983 Reagan interview in Spanish Today, he said, "I think this audience would be pleased that we are trying to grant legal status to their illegal amigos."

He also joked in 1982 about Kickapoo Indians, saying "a group of them made Newsweek by choosing to live in squalid conditions beneath the International Bridge in Eagle Pass, Texas, rather than their Mexican homeland."

In a 1984 memo advising on how to respond to an eccentric letter to his boss, Fred Fielding, asking if all property had been placed in a public trust, Roberts began, "One Ramon L. Rivera of Los Angeles (where else?) ..."

"Conservative edge?" Sounds more like Andrew Dice Clay to me. Other documents brought Roberts' views on women to light. According to the New York Times:

In an Aug. 2, 1984, memo, Roberts responded to a former member of the Federal Reserve's Board of Governors, John E. Sheehan, who had written President Reagan to suggest an election-year strategy that Roberts described as closing the ''so-called 'gender gap.'" Reagan was more popular among men than women.

Sheehan's plan called for then-Chief Justice Warren Burger, who was nearing retirement, to step down soon after the 1984 Republican convention and be appointed as an ambassador.

"The president would elevate Justice O'Connor two weeks later, and then name yet another woman to succeed O'Connor two weeks after that. Presto! The gender gap vanishes," Roberts wrote.

"Any appointments the president may make to the Supreme Court will not be based on such crass political considerations," Roberts advised in a memo to his boss, Fred Fielding.

And again according to Newsday, Roberts wrote, "Some might question whether encouraging homemakers to become lawyers contributes to the common good."

Meanwhile, a file of Roberts' papers on affirmative action has mysteriously gone missing from the Reagan Presidential Library. Well, I say "mysteriously" but the file disappeared after it was "reviewed" by two White House lawyers. So reading "mysteriously" as "deliberately" and "reviewed" as "shredded" may get you closer to the mark.

7 Ken Mehlman excessive spin
RNC chief Ken Mehlman was the guest of honor at the Ohio County Republican Party Lincoln Day Dinner last week and he brought with him an uplifting message of confidence and hope. Democrats, he said, "used to tell people you have nothing to fear but fear itself. Now they have nothing to offer but fear itself."

You know, he could be onto something here. When the Bush administration came to power, who was it that told them in early 2001 that terrorism should be their number one priority? That's right, it was Bill Clinton - A DEMOCRAT. Thank goodness Bush & Co. didn't buy into his left-wing fearmongering.

And who was it that told the Republican National Convention in 2004 that John Kerry would so decimate the military, we'd be defending ourselves with spitballs? Why, it was Zell Miller - A DEMOCRAT. It certainly doesn't get much scarier than Zell Miller.

And sure, there may have been one or two times between 2000 and 2004 that the Bush administration mentioned mustard-gas-spraying unmanned aerial vehicles and uranium from Niger and weapons of mass destruction in the areas north, south, east and west of Tikrit, and I have a feeling there was something in there about mushroom clouds and biological weapons and possibly an axis of evil and so on and so forth, but come on now. The GOP weren't trying to scare anyone into giving them what they wanted, they were just trying to be helpful.

8George W. Bush fearmongering
It seems that with his approval ratings in the toilet and support for the war at an all-time low, Our Great Leader is going back to what he knows best: 9/11.

This week George W. Bush is planning a "weeklong push to remind Americans why he believes the United States must stay on the offensive in Iraq and not bow to terrorists," according to the UK Guardian, and that push begins with planned 9/11 "reminders" which will culminate presumably in the Pentagon's America Supports You Freedom March (see Idiots 210).

Not that Iraq had anything to do with 9/11, but hey, you know the drill by now. And not that the Bush administration wants you to worry about terrorism. Remember, according to Ken Mehlman Republicans don't do fearmongering.

9Arnold Schwarzenegger greed sex hypocrisy
Pump up Sacramento? More like pimp out Sacramento. Governor Groping Austrian Beefcake was in hot water last week when it was revealed that he failed to declare a $250,000 contribution to one of his pet charities from American Media Inc.

According to the San Francisco Chronicle, "The tabloid publisher's charitable contribution to the fitness group was required by its 2003 contract with Schwarzenegger in which he was named executive editor of American Media's Muscle & Fitness and Flex magazines. ... Critics charge that the failure to file may violate section 82015 of the California government code, which requires elected officials to file reports detailing any donation over $5,000 made at their behest or solicited by an agent on their behalf."

But that's not all - it was also revealed last week that American Media paid actress Gigi Goyette $20,000 to keep quiet about an affair with Schwarzenegger just a few days before he announced his intention to run for governor.

Coindicentally, Arnie is also getting paid up the butt by American Media. Again according to the San Francisco Chronicle, "The governor's business ties to American Media have come under scrutiny since it was revealed last month that he could earn more than $1 million a year as executive editor of the muscle magazines. The governor had said in 2003 when the arrangement with the publisher was first announced that he would donate his $1.5 million salary as editor to the governor's council on fitness. But he did not disclose that he also could earn advertising-related revenue, which the publisher estimated was upward of $5 million over the life of the five-year deal."

So props to Arnie - it normally takes politicians years of practice to rack up these kinds of ethics violations, but he's done it in record time.

10Gary Muchler dumb
And finally, they're a dwindling number and may soon be extinct, so let's take a quick look at the conservative counter-protestors who have been voicing their support for the war. You've already met memorial vandal Larry Northern, but now I'm proud to present ardent Bush supporter Gary Muchler. Here he is in Wilkes-Barre PA, trying to snatch a sign at a rally for Cindy Sheehan:

Just a thought, but instead of assaulting peaceful protestors perhaps Gary could sign up for the military. He loves the war, he's already got the camo pants (which the Army would be delighted to show him how to belt properly), and he'd get into shape right quick. C'mon Gary, sign up today!

Gary joins the elite ranks of the Pro-War Rogues' Gallery, which features previous honorees "The Unknown Patriot":

...and of course, "Morans Guy":

See you next week!

 

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