The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
August 15, 2005
We All Live Near A Yellow Smear Machine Edition
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eyes were on Crawford last week, as Cindy Sheehan, the mother of
an American soldier who died in Iraq, continued her vigil and George
W. Bush (1) did his best to ignore her. As Bush enjoyed his vacation,
his chickenhawk buddies in the Right-Wing Smear Machine (2) did
his dirty work for him. Meanwhile, the Pentagon (3,4) seemed to
be engaging in some partisan hijinx. Jeanine Pirro (6), Republican
candidate for U.S. Senate from New York, kicked off her campaign
with some classic conservative idiocy. And Counterlibe, Inc., (10)
the folks responsible for the Counter Clinton Library, finally threw
in the towel. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!
All Cindy Sheehan wants to hear from George W. Bush is why the
war that took her son's life was started, and why it is still going
on. Unfortunately she's not going to get an answer from George W.
Bush, because he's a yellow coward.
Last week, however, Bush did acknowledge
Cindy's vigil, saying at a press conference:
You know, listen, I sympathize with Mrs. Sheehan. She has every
right in the world to say what she believes. This is America.
I also have heard the voices of those saying, "Pull out now,"
and I've thought about their cry, and their sincere desire to
reduce the loss of life by pulling our troops out. I just strongly
disagree. Pulling the troops out would send a terrible message.
Um, wait a minute - that doesn't answer Cindy's question at all.
Yes, as usual Bush completely missed the point and ventured off
somewhere into Bizarroworld.
But there is one sure-fire way that Cindy Sheehan could get all
the face-time she wants with the president - by simply donating
$25,000 to the Republican party. See, while Bush is too chickenshit
to meet with the mother of a soldier who died in Iraq, he did
meet with a group of his rich buddies last week.
to the Houston Chronicle, "Some 230 people were
attending the fund-raiser at Stan and Kathy Hickey's Broken Spoke
Ranch, a 478-acre spread next to Bush's ranch. All have contributed
at least $25,000 to the RNC, and many are 'rangers,' an honorary
campaign title bestowed on those who raised $200,000 or more for
Bush, or 'pioneers,' those who have raised $100,000 or more."
Here's Bush driving past Camp Casey on his way to the party. He
didn't bother to stop to talk to Cindy:
So there you have it. Want some accountability from the president
of the United States? Dubya won't give you the time of day. Donated
$25,000 to the Republican party? Step right up and shake hands with
Our Great Leader! That, right there, pretty much sums up the "morals
and values" of today's Republican party and the Bush administration.
And there's more - on Saturday, Bush made perhaps the least
compassionate statement of his five year presidency:
Whether it be here or in Washington or anywhere else, there's
somebody who has got something to say to the president, that's
part of the job. And I think it's important for me to be thoughtful
and sensitive to those who have got something to say. But I think
it's also important for me to go on with my life, to keep a balanced
Well I'm glad that Our Great Leader finds it so easy to go on with
his life, when his policies have ended the lives of so many others
and wrecked thousands more. I guess he's finally given up even pretending
Right-Wing Smear Machine
Ah, those noble right-wing chickenhawks. For these folks, smearing
the grieving mother of a soldier who was killed in Iraq is all in
a day's work. Last week conservative media shills did their best
to drag Cindy Sheehan's name through the mud, and the usual suspects
were leading the charge.
First, Matt Drudge lambasted Cindy for apparently approving of
George W. Bush earlier in 2004, and then criticizing him later.
Nice try. Not only was the story cobbled
together by taking quotes wildly out of context, but as Cindy
it, "Why do the right wing media so assiduously scrutinize the
words of a grief filled mother and ignore the words of a lying president?"
Meanwhile, conservative talk radio hosts have been transporting
their dittoheads to Camp Casey to jeer at Sheehan. Meet Mike
Mike Gallagher is the leader of Gallagher's Army, a "charitable
organization" which appears to be mostly dedicated to promoting,
um, Mike Gallagher. And in case you were wondering, no, Gallagher
has never served a day in his life, and yes, he sure does like to
Mind you, these guys had nothing on Bill O'Reilly who enjoyed a
smearfest with Michelle Malkin on O'Reilly's Fox News show last
week. Here's Falafel Boy:
I think Mrs. Sheehan bears some responsibility for this and also
for the responsibility of other American families who have lost
sons and daughters in Iraq, who feel that this kind of behavior
borders on treasonous. ... She has thrown in -- there is no
question that she has thrown in with the most radical elements
in this country. ... And, you know, there are some
people who hate this government, hate their country right now,
and blaming Bush for all the terrorism and all the horror in the
Congratulations, Bill. I think you might officially be the most
black-hearted scumbag on the planet. And with the company you keep,
that's saying something.
What better way to mourn the loss of 3,000 people on September
11, 2001, than to hold a great big pro-Iraq-War rally in the middle
of Washington DC? Despite all the evidence showing that Iraq had
nothing whatsoever to do with 9/11 - evidence which even Our Great
Leader has agreed
with - the two are still firmly intertwined in the minds of
the Bush administration.
So grab yer walking shoes, because on September 11 this year the
Pentagon is holding a fabulous state-sponsored display of patriotism
(funny, I thought they only did things like that in places like
North Korea and China) to be known as the America
Supports You Freedom Walk. According to the Department of Defense's
website, the walk will start in "the Pentagon South parking
lot, near the site where the airliner crashed into the Pentagon
on 9/11. The walk route will consist of a two-mile trek through
Arlington National Cemetery, over the Potomac River, and will end
by the reflecting pool on the National Mall." Where, glory
of glories, all you lucky freedom walkers will be serenaded by Clint
Again according to the DoD site, "'America Supports You' is
a nationwide program launched by the Defense Department with the
goal of highlighting how Americans across the country are supporting
the men and women of the armed forces." Personally I'm supporting
the men and women of the armed forces by forwarding the concept
that if they were withdrawn from Iraq sooner rather than later,
fewer of them would die or be multilated. But I don't imagine the
Pentagon will be "highlighting" that idea any time soon.
I wonder if it would help if I listened to Clint Black?
And just to remind us all of the cherished freedoms we take for
granted, in order to participate with in the Freedom Walk, you'll
have to register
with the Department of Defense. That's right! Required fields
include: name, age group, street address, city, state and zip, email
address, AND your telephone number.
And, freedom fans, don't forget:
After you submit your registration, you will receive a receipt
with a registration number. Please print out this receipt and
bring it with you to the Pentagon South Parking to check-in before
the event. You MUST have your registration number to check-in!
Hmm, so let me get this straight - the Pentagon wants your name,
age, address, and telephone number, and then they're going to send
you on a two mile walk... why do I smell a massive 9/11 Freedom
Walk recruitment dragnet?
The Pentagon did something really strange last week, even by
their standards: they fired a four-star general for having an affair.
few facts. General Kevin Byrnes was the third most senior of
the Army's four-star generals. The woman he was having a relationship
with was not a member of the military. In fact, Byrnes was legally
separated from his wife at the time of the relationship, and is
now divorced. Byrnes was in the Army for 36 years, and was three
months from retirement.
So what's going on here? I'll be honest... we don't know - but
this certainly seems somewhat curious. According
to the Washington Post, this is "apparently the
only such demotion of a four-star general in modern times."
Is there more to the story than meets the eye? Assuredly.
But for now we'll just have to stick to what we know, and what
we know is that while the Bush administration steadfastly refuses
to discipline military commanders who were and are responsible for
Geneva Convention violations including torture and murder at Abu
Ghraib prison, Guantanamo Bay, and elsewhere, they will take
extreme measures to punish four-star generals who privately make
love to other women while on the brink of getting divorced from
their wives. Well thank goodness for that.
Did you know that Tucker Carlson is a big fan of state-sponsored
terrorism? Why yes he is! Greenpeace had to make a complaint to
the Federal Communications Commission last week after Tucker gave
props to the French agents who blew up the Greenpeace ship Rainbow
Warrior in 1985.
On his show "The Situation," Bowtie Boy told
his audience that he was "objectively pro-France. You know,
France blew up the Rainbow Warrior, that Greenpeace ship in Auckland
Harbor in the '80s. ... It won me over." Shortly afterwards he added
that the destruction of the ship - which resulted in the death of
a Greenpeace photographer - was "a bold and good thing to do."
However, since this happened on "The Situation" the question
most worth asking is probably, "If Tucker Carlson endorses
terrorism on a show that nobody watches, did it really happen?"
Time to add another name to the list of conservatives who will
soon be consigned to the dustbin of history - meet Jeanine Pirro,
who announced last week that she will challenge Hillary Clinton
for her New York senate seat in 2006.
Pirro is a District Attorney in Westchester County and a frequent
Fox News contributor - which, aside from the Hillary factor, explains
why Fox has been going ga-ga over her candidacy all week. What
else? Well, her husband was convicted of tax fraud in 2000,
while he was married to Jeanine he had a child with another woman,
and it was recently alleged (by a Mafia informant, no less) that
he leaked confidential material from a Westchester District Attorney
investigation. I wonder how Republicans will square this information
with, "But, but, but, Hillary is married to BILL CLINTON!"
To be fair though, Hillary should probably be careful. She'll certainly
need to watch out for Ms. Pirro's killer on-camera persona and cool-headed
charm. Courtesy of Crooks and Liars, here she is making her big
announcement speech last week in a work entitled, "Has Anyone
Got Page 10?" (Click
here for the video!)
Oh yes - one more thing. During her announcement speech Pirro said,
"I have taken on the mob." Unfortunately for her, the
New York Daily News reported
last week that she has actually "pocketed nearly $12,000 in
campaign checks from firms and associates with alleged links to
organized crime." Whoops.
Tom DeLay once referred
to lobbyist Jack Abramoff as "one of my closest and dearest
friends." Well they say you can judge a man by the company
he keeps - Abramoff was indicted last week on fraud charges and
forced to give up his passport.
to the Associated Press:
The six-count federal indictment unsealed in Fort Lauderdale
alleges that Abramoff, 40, and a partner, Adam Kidan, 36, of New
York, faked a $23 million wire transfer to defraud two lenders
out of some $60 million to finance the $147 million purchase of
SunCruz Casinos from Konstantinos "Gus" Boulis in September
2000. The deal ultimately collapsed and Boulis, 51, was killed
five months later in an apparent hit. The shooting is unsolved.
Wow. And this is a guy that the Republican House Majority Leader
calls one of his closest and dearest friends? I am shocked, shocked
I tell ya.
Not really. Actually I'm not surprised in the slightest.
I have to mention this story because it's quite simply the best
dis of Sean Hannity ever. Not so long ago, the Brooklyn indie band
Combs decided to name their new album after Hannity's home phone
number, which at the time was (631) 673-8003. Obviously Hannity
had to change his number (it's now unlisted).
But last week it was revealed that Hannity was actually "threatening
to sue both parties [Kids Against Combs and their record label]
if they proceeded with releasing an album named after Hannity's
home phone number and containing the political pundit's home address
in the CD's liner notes," according
to the Boston Phoenix.
Don't worry though - despite the fact that Kids Against Combs were
forced to change the title of their album, they came up with an
even better one. So next time you're in your local record store,
keep an eye out for The Album Formerly Known As Sean Hannitys
Phone Number ... Currently Sean Hannity Is a Democracy Subverting
Yes, that's really what it's called!
On August 4th, Robert Novak said "Well I think that's bullshit"
out of the CNN studio, live on air. I still get goosebumps just
thinking about it. Ah yes...
But anyway, immediately after Novak's hissyfit, CNN suspended
him indefinitely, saying that his behavior was "inexcusable
and unacceptable." A CNN spokeswoman said, "We've asked
Mr. Novak to take some time off," and the network apologized
to its viewers for the cranky conservative columnist's bullshit
However, it seems that CNN's idea of an "indefinite suspension"
is about 26 hours, as they posted Novak's syndicated column on their
website on August
5th. And - why, yes - they published his column on August
11th too. With a little picture of him on the front page of
their Politics section, no less.
C'mon CNN - if you don't want Robert Novak saying "bullshit"
on your TV shows, do us a favor and get his bullshit off your website
And finally, "ha ha" of the week goes to the folks
behind the Counter Clinton Library in Little Rock, Arkansas. A few
years ago Richard Erickson and friends stirred up a frenzy of interest
in the conservative media - and in Bob Barr's pants - when they
announced plans to build a museum slamming Bill Clinton just down
the road from the Clinton Presidential Library.
But all good things must come to an end, and sadly Mr. Erickson
last week that his non-profit organization Counterlibe Inc. was
on the brink of collapse. What Mr. Erickson actually said
was, "I'm giving up."
It turns out that despite all the grandiose promises, Erickson
and Co. couldn't actually raise enough money to get the project
off the ground. The good news is that Mr. Erickson will now be able
to spend a lot more time on his new project, building a 150-foot-tall
stone replica of George W. Bush's massive, virile penis on the Washington
Mall. I hear it plays the national anthem and shoots fireworks from
the tip every hour on the hour. See you next week!
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