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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 209)

August 8, 2005
Bullshit Edition

Hats off to Robert Novak (1) for raising the bar of conservative idiocy to unprecedented heights! Even George W. Bush's (2,6,7) endorsement of intelligent design, month-long vacation, and recess appointment of John Bolton took a backseat to Novak's championship-quality meltdown on CNN last week. Rick Santorum (3), The Ohio GOP (4), and Henry Bonilla (5) were struggling to keep up, while Doug Hanks (8), Katherine Harris (9), and Rush Limbaugh (10) were simply left in the dust. Enjoy, and don't forget the key! (It's back!)

1Robert Novak booze cowardice crybaby dumb
We begin this week with a dramatic recreation of Robert Novak storming out of the CNN studios, starring Yul Brynner as James Carville, James Coburn as Ed Henry, and Eli Wallach as Robert Novak.

2George W. Bush dumb dumb dumb religious nut
Can it really be true? Is it possible that we actually have a president who last week announced that "intelligent design" should be taught in schools? Yes, I'm afraid it's all true - and it's worse than you think. See, George W. Bush didn't just advocate teaching the concept of intelligent design (i.e. creationism) in religion or philosophy classes - he said it should be taught alongside evolution as a competing theory. The National Science Teachers Association is reportedly "stunned and disappointed."

Man, if I were back in school now, I'd have a field day with this...

TEACHER: Now, does anyone know how lightning is created? Yes?

ME: God makes it.

TEACHER: What? No... anyone else? No? Okay - if a cloud bottom carries a negative charge and positive charges have collected on the ground, a "stepped leader" - that's a negative electrical charge - comes part way down from the cloud. When the stepped leader gets within 150 feet of a positive charge, a streamer - that's a surge of positive electricity - rises to meet it. The leader and the streamer make a channel. An electrical current from an object on the ground surges upward through the channel. It touches off a bright display called a "return stroke."

ME: And you expect me to believe that preposterous explanation?

You know, if you just changed the word "intelligent" for "stupid" and "design" for "nonsense," I think we might get somewhere with this debate.

3Rick Santorum flip-flopping flip-flopping religious nut
Even über-loon Rick Santorum disagrees with Bush on "intelligent design," saying last week that it lacks scientific credibility. "I'm not comfortable with intelligent design being taught in the science classroom," he announced.

Poor old Rick - I guess he finally took a look at the polls and realized that he's got an uphill struggle in 2006 unless he severs ties with the radical right and tries to drag his ass back to the middle.

Strangely enough though, Senator Fecal-Matter's latest comments are apparently at odds with comments he's made in the recent past. And when I say "at odds with" I mean "100% diametrically opposed to."

See, in 2002, Rick Santorum wrote that "intelligent design is a legitimate scientific theory that should be taught in science classes." Huh? And there's more: according to Think Progress, Rick "tried to attach an amendment to the No Child Left Behind Act that would encourage the teaching of intelligent design." Wha?

One might be tempted to refer to Santorum's recent change of opinion as "quite the flip-flop."

4The Ohio GOP covering your ass excessive spin excessive spin
Marine Major Paul Hackett, an Iraq War veteran and Democrat, failed in his bid to win Ohio's House 2nd District last week - but he gave the Republicans a damn good run for their money. Paul ran in a district which has not gone to a Democrat since 1980, which George W. Bush won comfortably in 2000 and 2004, and in which a Democrat has not scored more than 30% since 1984. Given the hurdles in his path, Paul's narrow loss was a remarkable achievement. In 2004 the Republican incumbent won by 44 points, 72%-28%. In 2005 Paul Hackett lost by 4 points, 52%-48%.

Of course, Ohio Republicans were keen to pretend that a 20-point swing from the GOP to the Democrats was actually a great victory and not a disturbing harbinger of what they may be facing in 2006. Hackett's opponent Jean Schmidt said, "no one had thought we'd be the focus of the national media or be the so-called first test of the Republican Party and the Bush mandate. Well, ladies and gentleman, we passed that test." What, by losing a huge portion of your support in less than twelve months?

Meanwhile, Ohio Republican Party chairman Bob Bennett said that it was a remarkable victory for Schmidt considering "the onslaught of national media attention given to her opponent's exploitation of the Iraq war."

No, no, no. Paul Hackett served in Iraq. THIS is what somebody looks like when they're exploiting the Iraq war:

So we'd like to offer our congratulations to Paul. Despite his narrow loss, it was a remarkable achievement to pull so much support away from the Republican party in such a deep-red district, and we hope that Democrats across the country were watching closely. Because if the number of people who ran away from the GOP in Ohio last week is any indication of what we can expect to see across the country in 2006, Congress is gonna turn bright blue.

5Henry Bonilla pandering partisanship dumb
Rep. Henry Bonilla of Texas wants to rename 16th Street NW in Washington DC after Ronald Reagan, and I am pissed. See, I don't care if they want to name an aircraft carrier or even a federal building after Reagan. But I'll be damned if I'm going to ride the bus down Ronald Reagan Boulevard to work every morning.

What is it with these out-of-town Republicans and their fixation with renaming everything after Ronald Reagan? It was bad enough when Bob Barr threatened to withhold DC's public transport funding until they changed Metro signs from "National Airport" to "Ronald Reagan National Airport." (See Idiots 47.) And it's not like DC residents have any representatives in Congress who can tell these morons to take their brown-nosing elsewhere.

So Rep. Bonilla wants to rename 16th street at an estimated cost of $1 million to the District. Gawd, one can only imagine what it must be like every morning in the Bonilla household...

MRS. BONILLA: Good morning dear. I've cooked you some Ronald Reagans for breakfast.

HENRY BONILLA: Thanks honey, I'll eat them while I read the Ronald Reagan.

MRS. BONILLA: Would you like me to turn on the Ronald Reagan?

HENRY BONILLA: No thanks - now I come to think of it I really need to take a Ronald Reagan. I'll read the Ronald Reagan while I'm in there.

(15 minutes later)

HENRY BONILLA: I wouldn't go in there for a while if I were you.

6George W. Bush lazy lazy lazy
George W. Bush is poised to set a record this week - can anyone guess what it is? If you guessed "biggest asshole in America" or "worst president ever," well, you're on the right lines.

Last week, as 28 U.S. servicemen were killed during the first four days of August, Bush started a 33-day vacation at his pig farm in Crawford, Texas. Here he is carrying his new Barney-shaped cell-phone:

According to The Boston Globe, "The August getaway is Bush's 49th trip to his cherished ranch since taking office and the 319th day that Bush has spent, entirely or partially, in Crawford - nearly 20 percent of his presidency to date." Wow... and I thought the French had it easy.

Again according to the Globe, "Until now, probably no modern president was a more famous vacationer than Ronald Reagan. ... Reagan spent all or part of 335 days at his Santa Barbara ranch over his eight-year presidency - a total that Bush will surpass this month in Crawford with 3 1/2 years left in his second term."

Considering Dubya's disastrous approval ratings, he's probably hoping he doesn't have to come back to Washington at all. Tell you what George - I'm sure nobody will mind if you just decide to stay in Crawford and sit out the rest of your presidency. Promise you'll think about it?

7 George W. Bush and John Bolton massive ego
Last week George W. Bush performed an end-run around the Senate and recess-appointed John Bolton's mustache as ambassador to the U.N. The bad news: John Bolton is still attached to the mustache.

Of all the people in the United States of America whom Bush could have called upon to do this job, why did he have to pick John Bolton? Here's a guy who lied during his Senate confirmation hearings, may be deeply involved in the Valerie Plame affair, and, uh, allegedly forced his wife to attend orgies during the 1970s. Even Sen. George Voinovich (R) has called him "the poster child of what someone in the diplomatic corps should not be."

So farewell, last few vestiges of America's reputation. It was nice knowing you. I'm sorry we won't be able to stay in touch.

8Doug Hanks racism racism racism racism
There was some disappointing news for the North Carolina Republican party last week when candidate Doug Hanks dropped out of the Charlotte City Council race.

Why did Mr. Hanks quit the race? Well, according to the Charlotte Observer, "In more than 4,000 posts on stormfront.org, Hanks railed against blacks and Jews, touted his instruction book on building a homemade rifle and recruited people to rally against Charlotte's decision to remove the Confederate flag from Elmwood Cemetery."

The Observer continues, "Hanks' posts continued throughout the spring and summer. On June 1, he wrote: When Blacks start acting equally, only then will they enjoy the benefits of being treated equally. I treat a rabid dog differently from a healthy one. In fact, this gives me a terrific idea! Let's treat all the Blacks like the rabid beasts they are. 'Yeller! Here Boy!'"

The mayor of Charlotte, Pat McCrory, insisted Hanks does not represent all Republicans, saying, "He's a man of total inner hatred in both his heart and soul, and it doesn't matter what party he's in."

Of course, the fact that Hanks IS a Republican is purely coincidental.

9Katherine Harris dumb lying
Just before Bob Novak had his little hissyhit on CNN, he was discussing Katherine Harris with James Carville. Why is Katherine Harris back in the news? Because for some reason she just decided to announce that photographs taken of her during the 2000 recount were doctored by newspapers to make her look bad.

Last week Harris told Sean Hannity that, "I'm actually very sensitive about those things, and it's personally painful. But they're outrageously false, ... you know, whenever they made fun of my makeup, it was because the newspapers colorized my photograph."

The Tampa Tribune helpfully pointed out that when "Asked Tuesday to point to an altered photograph, Harris and her staff could not."

So let's take a scientific look at Harris' claims that her picture was doctored. Here's a photo of her taken in November of 2000:

And now let's find out what that photo really looked like by running it through our special de-doctoring program:

From these results, I think we can all agree that Katherine Harris was definitely the victim of some underhanded Photoshopping by the liberal media.

10Rush Limbaugh drugs chickenhawk excessive spin cowardice lying
And finally, the results are in: Rush Limbaugh needs to go back on drugs. Let's face it, the guy was much more listenable when he was high as a kite on 30 Oxycontins a day. Now he's just miserable.

Last week El Rushbo decided to support the troops by taking on Paul Hackett's military service. See, according to Rush, military service only counts if you're a) a Republican (except John McCain) and b) a warhawk. Servicepeople who love their country but disapprove of the government's policies? According to Rush, they're all scum.

On his August 2nd show, Limbaugh said several times that Major Hackett was "hiding behind a military uniform." No, no, no. THIS is what somebody looks like when they're hiding behind a military uniform:

And on his August 3rd show Rush said that Hackett went to Iraq "to pad the resumé." Which is pretty impressive stuff, coming from a recovering drug addict who dodged Vietnam by complaining of a pimple in his asscrack. See you next week!

 

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