The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
August 8, 2005
off to Robert Novak (1) for raising the bar of conservative idiocy
to unprecedented heights! Even George W. Bush's (2,6,7) endorsement
of intelligent design, month-long vacation, and recess appointment
of John Bolton took a backseat to Novak's championship-quality meltdown
on CNN last week. Rick Santorum (3), The Ohio GOP (4), and Henry
Bonilla (5) were struggling to keep up, while Doug Hanks (8), Katherine
Harris (9), and Rush Limbaugh (10) were simply left in the dust.
Enjoy, and don't forget the key!
We begin this week with a dramatic recreation of Robert Novak
out of the CNN studios, starring Yul Brynner as James Carville,
James Coburn as Ed Henry, and Eli Wallach as Robert Novak.
Can it really be true? Is it possible that we actually have
a president who last week announced that "intelligent design"
should be taught in schools? Yes, I'm afraid it's
all true - and it's worse than you think. See, George
W. Bush didn't just advocate teaching the concept of intelligent
design (i.e. creationism) in religion or philosophy classes - he
said it should be taught alongside evolution as a competing theory.
The National Science Teachers Association is reportedly
"stunned and disappointed."
Man, if I were back in school now, I'd have a field day with this...
TEACHER: Now, does anyone know how lightning is created?
ME: God makes it.
TEACHER: What? No... anyone else? No? Okay - if a cloud
bottom carries a negative charge and positive charges have collected
on the ground, a "stepped leader" - that's a negative
electrical charge - comes part way down from the cloud. When the
stepped leader gets within 150 feet of a positive charge, a streamer
- that's a surge of positive electricity - rises to meet it. The
leader and the streamer make a channel. An electrical current
from an object on the ground surges upward through the channel.
It touches off a bright display called a "return stroke."
ME: And you expect me to believe that preposterous explanation?
You know, if you just changed the word "intelligent"
for "stupid" and "design" for "nonsense,"
I think we might get somewhere with this debate.
Even über-loon Rick Santorum disagrees
with Bush on "intelligent design," saying last week
that it lacks scientific credibility. "I'm not comfortable
with intelligent design being taught in the science classroom,"
Poor old Rick - I guess he finally took a look at the polls and
realized that he's got an uphill struggle in 2006 unless he severs
ties with the radical right and tries to drag his ass back to the
Strangely enough though, Senator Fecal-Matter's latest comments
are apparently at odds with comments he's made in the recent past.
And when I say "at odds with" I mean "100% diametrically
See, in 2002, Rick Santorum wrote that "intelligent design
is a legitimate scientific theory that should be taught in science
classes." Huh? And there's more: according
to Think Progress, Rick "tried to attach an amendment to
the No Child Left Behind Act that would encourage the teaching of
intelligent design." Wha?
One might be tempted to refer to Santorum's recent change of opinion
as "quite the flip-flop."
Marine Major Paul Hackett, an Iraq War veteran and Democrat,
failed in his bid to win Ohio's House 2nd District last week - but
he gave the Republicans a damn
good run for their money. Paul ran in a district which has not
gone to a Democrat since 1980, which George W. Bush won comfortably
in 2000 and 2004, and in which a Democrat has not scored more than
30% since 1984. Given the hurdles in his path, Paul's narrow loss
was a remarkable achievement. In 2004 the Republican incumbent won
by 44 points, 72%-28%. In 2005 Paul Hackett lost by 4 points, 52%-48%.
Of course, Ohio Republicans were keen to pretend that a 20-point
swing from the GOP to the Democrats was actually a great victory
and not a disturbing harbinger of what they may be facing in 2006.
Hackett's opponent Jean Schmidt said,
"no one had thought we'd be the focus of the national media
or be the so-called first test of the Republican Party and the Bush
mandate. Well, ladies and gentleman, we passed that test."
What, by losing a huge portion of your support in less than twelve
Meanwhile, Ohio Republican Party chairman Bob Bennett said that
it was a remarkable victory for Schmidt considering "the onslaught
of national media attention given to her opponent's exploitation
of the Iraq war."
No, no, no. Paul Hackett served in Iraq. THIS is what somebody
looks like when they're exploiting the Iraq war:
So we'd like to offer our congratulations to Paul. Despite his
narrow loss, it was a remarkable achievement to pull so much support
away from the Republican party in such a deep-red district, and
we hope that Democrats across the country were watching closely.
Because if the number of people who ran away from the GOP in Ohio
last week is any indication of what we can expect to see across
the country in 2006, Congress is gonna turn bright blue.
Rep. Henry Bonilla of Texas wants to rename
16th Street NW in Washington DC after Ronald Reagan, and I am
pissed. See, I don't care if they want to name an aircraft carrier
or even a federal building after Reagan. But I'll be damned if I'm
going to ride the bus down Ronald Reagan Boulevard to work every
What is it with these out-of-town Republicans and their fixation
with renaming everything after Ronald Reagan? It was bad enough
when Bob Barr threatened to withhold DC's public transport funding
until they changed Metro signs from "National Airport"
to "Ronald Reagan National Airport." (See Idiots 47.)
And it's not like DC residents have any representatives in Congress
who can tell these morons to take their brown-nosing elsewhere.
So Rep. Bonilla wants to rename 16th street at an estimated cost
of $1 million to the District. Gawd, one can only imagine what it
must be like every morning in the Bonilla household...
MRS. BONILLA: Good morning dear. I've cooked you some
Ronald Reagans for breakfast.
HENRY BONILLA: Thanks honey, I'll eat them while I read
the Ronald Reagan.
MRS. BONILLA: Would you like me to turn on the Ronald
HENRY BONILLA: No thanks - now I come to think of it I
really need to take a Ronald Reagan. I'll read the Ronald Reagan
while I'm in there.
(15 minutes later)
HENRY BONILLA: I wouldn't go in there for a while if I
George W. Bush is poised to set a record this week - can anyone
guess what it is? If you guessed "biggest asshole in America"
or "worst president ever," well, you're on the right lines.
Last week, as 28 U.S. servicemen were killed during the first four
days of August, Bush started a 33-day vacation at his pig farm in
Crawford, Texas. Here he is carrying his new Barney-shaped cell-phone:
to The Boston Globe, "The August getaway is Bush's
49th trip to his cherished ranch since taking office and the 319th
day that Bush has spent, entirely or partially, in Crawford - nearly
20 percent of his presidency to date." Wow... and I thought
the French had it easy.
Again according to the Globe, "Until now, probably
no modern president was a more famous vacationer than Ronald Reagan.
... Reagan spent all or part of 335 days at his Santa Barbara ranch
over his eight-year presidency - a total that Bush will surpass
this month in Crawford with 3 1/2 years left in his second term."
Considering Dubya's disastrous
approval ratings, he's probably hoping he doesn't have to come
back to Washington at all. Tell you what George - I'm sure nobody
will mind if you just decide to stay in Crawford and sit out the
rest of your presidency. Promise you'll think about it?
George W. Bush and John Bolton
Last week George W. Bush performed an end-run around the Senate
John Bolton's mustache as ambassador to the U.N. The bad news: John
Bolton is still attached to the mustache.
Of all the people in the United States of America whom Bush could
have called upon to do this job, why did he have to pick John Bolton?
Here's a guy who lied
during his Senate confirmation hearings, may be deeply
involved in the Valerie Plame affair, and, uh, allegedly forced
his wife to attend orgies during the 1970s. Even Sen. George
Voinovich (R) has called
him "the poster child of what someone in the diplomatic
corps should not be."
So farewell, last few vestiges of America's reputation. It was
nice knowing you. I'm sorry we won't be able to stay in touch.
There was some disappointing news for the North Carolina Republican
party last week when candidate Doug Hanks dropped out of the Charlotte
City Council race.
Why did Mr. Hanks quit the race? Well, according
to the Charlotte Observer, "In more than 4,000 posts
on stormfront.org, Hanks railed against blacks and Jews, touted
his instruction book on building a homemade rifle and recruited
people to rally against Charlotte's decision to remove the Confederate
flag from Elmwood Cemetery."
The Observer continues, "Hanks' posts continued throughout
the spring and summer. On June 1, he wrote: When Blacks start
acting equally, only then will they enjoy the benefits of being
treated equally. I treat a rabid dog differently from a healthy
one. In fact, this gives me a terrific idea! Let's treat all the
Blacks like the rabid beasts they are. 'Yeller! Here Boy!'"
The mayor of Charlotte, Pat McCrory, insisted Hanks does not represent
all Republicans, saying, "He's a man of total inner hatred
in both his heart and soul, and it doesn't matter what party he's
Of course, the fact that Hanks IS a Republican is purely coincidental.
Just before Bob Novak had his little hissyhit on CNN, he was
discussing Katherine Harris with James Carville. Why is Katherine
Harris back in the news? Because for some reason she just decided
to announce that photographs taken of her during the 2000 recount
were doctored by newspapers to make her look bad.
Last week Harris told
Sean Hannity that, "I'm actually very sensitive about those
things, and it's personally painful. But they're outrageously false,
... you know, whenever they made fun of my makeup, it was because
the newspapers colorized my photograph."
The Tampa Tribune helpfully pointed out that when "Asked
Tuesday to point to an altered photograph, Harris and her staff
So let's take a scientific look at Harris' claims that her picture
was doctored. Here's a photo of her taken in November of 2000:
And now let's find out what that photo really looked like by running
it through our special de-doctoring program:
From these results, I think we can all agree that Katherine Harris
was definitely the victim of some underhanded Photoshopping by the
And finally, the results are in: Rush Limbaugh needs to go back
on drugs. Let's face it, the guy was much more listenable when he
was high as a kite on 30 Oxycontins a day. Now he's just miserable.
Last week El Rushbo decided to support the troops by taking
on Paul Hackett's military service. See, according to Rush,
military service only counts if you're a) a Republican (except John
McCain) and b) a warhawk. Servicepeople who love their country but
disapprove of the government's policies? According to Rush, they're
On his August 2nd show, Limbaugh said several times that Major
Hackett was "hiding behind a military uniform." No, no,
no. THIS is what somebody looks like when they're hiding behind
a military uniform:
And on his August 3rd show Rush said that Hackett went to Iraq
"to pad the resumé." Which is pretty impressive stuff,
coming from a recovering drug addict who dodged Vietnam by complaining
of a pimple
in his asscrack. See you next week!
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