The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
July 11, 2005
Idiotic Like a Fox Edition
around the world were shocked and outraged by the terrorist bombings
in London last week. But for the talking heads over at the Fox News
Channel, this terrible human tragedy was an opportunity for some
truly idiotic spin. Brit Hume (2) saw the bombings as a chance to
make a little extra cash. Brian Kilmeade (3) thought they would
somehow "work to our advantage." And to John Gibson (4)
they were a chance to bash France. And while we're on the subject
of morons in the media, don't miss what Paul Harvey (7) had to say.
"Our strategy in the war on terror is based on a clear
understanding of the enemy, and a clear assessment of our national
interest." - Dick Cheney, July
"Either we take the war to the terrorists and fight them where
they are at this moment in Iraq and Afghanistan and elsewhere
or at some point we will have to fight them here at home."
- Donald Rumsfeld, August
"America is more secure. The world is safer." - George
W. Bush, January
"...we are making ourselves more secure, because we cannot
fight the terrorists in New York; we've got to fight them out there."
- Condoleezza Rice, February
"The question is do we fight them over there - or do we fight
them here. I choose to fight them over there." - Gen. Tommy
"The number of serious international terrorist incidents more
than tripled last year, according to U.S. government figures, a
sharp upswing in deadly attacks that the State Department has decided
not to make public in its annual report on terrorism due to Congress
this week." - The Washington Post, April
"I think they're in the last throes, if you will, of the insurgency."
Cheney, May 2005
"In total, for the year from the handover of sovereignty on
June 28, 2004, until June 23, 2005, there were at least 479 car
bombs, killing 2,174 people and wounding 5,520. ... Last month was
the most violent for Iraqi civilians since the U.S.-led invasion
to remove Saddam Hussein from power in March 2003." - Associated
"There is only one course of action against them: to defeat
them before they attack us at home." - George W. Bush, June
"...the Iraq insurgency poses an international threat and
may produce better-trained Islamic terrorists than the 1980s Afghanistan
war that gave rise to Osama bin Laden and al Qaeda." - classified
CIA report, June
"This shows that president Bush is doing exactly the right
thing, or they wouldn't be making these kinds of attacks."
- CSPAN caller, July
"There were nearly 3,200 terrorist attacks worldwide last
year, the Bush Administration said yesterday, using a broader definition
that increased fivefold the number of incidents that Washington
had previously tallied for 2004." - The London Times,
Somebody wake me up when these people figure out what the hell
On Fox News, coverage of last week's terrorist bombings in London
was, as you would expect, deplorable. Fox News anchors could barely
contain their glee as news of the destruction filtered in. To Brit
Hume, the death of dozens of Londoners meant one thing - money
in the bank.
"My first thought when I heard," said Brit, live on air,
"just on a personal basis, when I heard there had been this
attack and I saw the futures this morning, which were really in
the tank, I thought, 'Hmmm, time to buy.'"
Really? Funnily enough, my first thought when I heard what Brit
Hume had to say was, "Hmmm, what an enormous asshole."
Then of course there was Fox News host Brian Kilmeade, who was
simply delighted that stupid issues like global warming and African
poverty would be pushed to the back burner at the G8 summit in Scotland.
"This is his [Tony Blair's] second address in the last hour,"
Kilmeade. "First to the people of London, and now at the G8
summit, where their topic Number 1 - believe it or not - was global
warming, the second was African aid. And that was the first time
since 9-11 when they should know, and they do know now, that terrorism
should be Number 1."
Well certainly, Brian, terrorism is a very important issue. But
what's your personal opinion of the London attacks?
"I think that works to our advantage, in the Western world's
advantage, for people to experience something like this together,
just 500 miles from where the attacks have happened."
Excuse me: works to our advantage? Perhaps Brian and Brit should
get together and form Enormous Assholes Anonymous.
Or how about Fox News anchor John Gibson, who the day before
the attacks said, according
to News Hounds, that "he wished Paris would have gotten
the 2012 Olympics because it would have been a treat to watch them
deal with terrorist threats." How nice. It always warms my
heart to see a news anchor wishing a terrorist attack on someone.
So did Gibson feel any remorse for his prescient remarks when London
was attacked just one day later? Not a chance.
"If they had picked France instead of London to hold the Olympics,"
he, "it would have been the one time we could look forward
to where we didn't worry about terrorism. They'd blow up Paris,
and who cares?"
Yeah, what a bummer. The terrorist attacks didn't happen
in France. Oh well, better luck next time, eh. By the way John,
there's a new organization you might be interested in called "Enormous
Assholes Anonymous." I think you'd be a perfect fit.
One last note on the current state of the war on terror, thanks
to DailyKos who recovered
an interesting story from August of last year. We noted the story
in Idiots 166
but it is worth repeating here: last year security experts were
"shocked" when administration officials outed Mohammad
Naeem Noor Khan as an al Qaeda mole.
Jane's Defense security expert Tim Ripley said, "You have
to ask: what are they doing compromising a deep mole within al Qaeda,
when it's so difficult to get these guys in there in the first place?
It goes against all the rules of counter-espionage, counter-terrorism,
running agents and so forth. It's not exactly cloak and dagger undercover
work if it's on the front pages every time there's a development,
At the time, Juan Cole noted
that "The announcement of Khan's name forced the British to
arrest 12 members of an al-Qaeda cell prematurely, before they had
finished gathering the necessary evidence against them via Khan."
At least one of those people was subsequently released due to lack
So hats off once again to the Bush administration. Like I said,
wake me up when they figure out what the hell they're doing.
George W. Bush
George W. Bush has consistently argued that despite his fabulous
strategy, winning the war on international terrorism may not be
as easy as falling off a bicycle. Fortunately Our Great Leader has
at least got the falling off a bicycle part down pat.
After arriving at the G8 summit in Scotland last week Bush took
a spin on a mountain bike and, according
to Reuters, "promptly crashed at speed into a standing
police officer, causing minor injuries to both." This marks
the second occasion that George W. Bush has injured himself falling
off a bicycle - a previous incident occurred in May
Of course, Our Great Leader doesn't just limit himself to injuring
himself on bicycles - he has also managed to topple
off a Segway in 2003, and let's not forget his infamous wrestling
match with a pretzel
back in 2002.
Oh, I'm sorry - I forgot that if I even dare to suggest that George
W. Bush is an inept buffoon, the terrorists have won.
Perhaps the problem with the war on terror is that we're just
not doing enough damage. What we need is good men like Paul Harvey
in charge, then we'd see some results.
Last week the fabled radio personality pontificated on "the
decline of American wartime aggression," according
to FAIR.org. "We're standing there dying, daring to do
nothing decisive because we've declared ourselves to be better than
our terrorist enemies - more moral, more civilized," said he.
So Paul has the perfect solution - be worse than our terrorist
"We sent men with rifles into Afghanistan and Iraq and kept
our best weapons in their silos," he continued, presumably
referring to nuclear missiles, before winding up with this wholesome
"We didn't come this far because we're made of sugar candy.
Once upon a time, we elbowed our way onto and across this continent
by giving smallpox-infected blankets to Native Americans. That was
biological warfare. And we used every other weapon we could get
our hands on to grab this land from whomever.
"And we grew prosperous. And yes, we greased the skids with
the sweat of slaves. So it goes with most great nation-states, which
- feeling guilty about their savage pasts - eventually civilize
themselves out of business and wind up invaded and ultimately dominated
by the lean, hungry up-and-coming who are not made of sugar candy."
And that's the rrrrrrrrrrrrr....avings of a senile old lunatic.
According to Maryland Governor Robert Ehrlich, racism is somebody
else's problem. Last week Ehrlich was criticized
for holding a Republican fundraiser at an all-white country club:
his response? "I don't know what their membership is, and guess
what? It's not my business."
Ehrlich also played the usual catch-all get-out-of-jail free card,
complaining of a "double standard" because there was no
outcry when Democrats held fundraisers there, although curiously
he declined to name any actual Democrats because, he said, he didn't
want to embarrass them. Yeah right.
One Democrat, Baltimore County Executive James T. Smith Jr., did
acknowledge that a supporter had hosted a fundraiser for him at
the club, but a spokesperson noted that "Jim Smith has never
belonged to a country club in his life. He was not aware of the
country club's membership composition, and as the leader of a diverse
county, he appreciates that it has been brought to his attention.
Clearly he will not have future campaign events hosted at this location."
That certainly seems like a more appropriate response than "it's
not my business."
Last week Ted Schelenski, vice president for finance and operations
at the right-wing Heritage Foundation, demonstrated how tough conservatives
really are by assaulting a ballet dancer.
The incident occurred when Schelenski, in his car, blocked the
path of a bicyclist and refused to move. A shouting match ensued
between Schelenski and the bicyclist, Kristin Hall, before Schelenski
got out of his car, "came at the 105-pound communications assistant
at the Academy for Educational Development and shoved her to the
ground while she was still straddled on her bicycle," according
to the Washington Post.
Schelenski then got back in his car and drove off, but was arrested
when he returned to the scene to apologize. Except it wasn't much
of an apology - he told police that all he tried to do was shake
Hall's bike and she was the one who fell over.
So let's see. Assaulting a woman half his size... failing to take
personal responsibility... works for the Heritage Foundation...
Congratulations Mr. Schelenski - you're a conservative idiot!
And finally, sad news this week in Florida's fight against citrus
canker - it turns out that the method for fighting canker advocated
by world-renowned vote stealer Katherine Harris has turned out to
be a flop. Last week it was revealed that when Harris was Florida's
secretary of state, she spent six months advocating "Celestial
Drops" as a solution to the canker problem.
What are Celestial Drops? Well apparently Harris had researchers
working with a rabbi and a cardiologist to test the fluid which
to the Orlando Sentinel, "promoted as a canker inhibitor
because of its 'improved fractal design,' 'infinite levels of order'
and 'high energy and low entropy.'"
Harris was "repeatedly sent copies of the letters and memos
bouncing between Florida canker officials and [Rabbi] Hardoon. In
August 2001, Harris herself jotted a note to Hardoon. 'I would love
to see this work,' it says."
Well wouldn't we all. Unfortunately it turns out that even with
an "improved fractal design" and "high energy and
low entropy," the Celestial Drop solution didn't work because,
well, it was just water. Although to be fair, the Sentinel
does note that it was "possibly, mystically blessed water."
See you next week!
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