The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
June 27, 2005
Divide And Conquer Edition
polls show a disturbing erosion of support for Bush's Iraq policies,
Republicans have been doing their best to once again tie the occupation
to 9/11. Leading the charge last week was Karl Rove (1), who made
perhaps the administration's most disgraceful (and dishonest) attempt
yet to divide America; and John Hostettler (2) followed Karl's lead,
upping the partisan ante with a few shrill comments about religion.
Meanwhile Dick Cheney (3) and Donald Rumsfeld (4) were desperately
trying to revive the public's interest in Iraq by making similar
rosy statements to the ones that got us in trouble there in the
first place. Fool me once... Elsewhere, Tom DeLay (5) is on crack,
George W. Bush (6) has got his jockeys in a twist, and Young Republican
Chickenhawks (9) are having a big ol' get-together to cheer on the
great war they're not fighting in. Enjoy, and as usual don't forget
The media kicked up an awful stink about the supposedly "outrageous"
comments made by Democrats such as Howard Dean and Dick Durbin recently.
But like so many other so-called news stories of the recent past,
the media have made sure to kick Democrats and turn a blind eye
to Republicans. Take the Dick Durbin incident, for example. He makes
a comment about Nazis, and the next thing you know Bill Frist is
saying that Durbin called Guantanamo Bay a "death camp." Frist wasn't
just taking Durbin's comments out of context, he was literally making
quotes up out of whole cloth. Durbin apologized - but where
was the outrage from Republicans and the media when Sen. Rick Santorum
compared Democrats to Hitler? They were looking the other way,
The same goes for Howard Dean, who not long ago said
that the Republican party is "a pretty monolithic party
... it's pretty much a white, Christian party." Which happens
to be true,
except that's not really the point - Republicans and the media got
a great deal of entertainment frothing at the mouth about the "out-of-control"
DNC chairman and his wild and wacky ways.
But last week presidential adviser Karl "Turd Blossom"
Rove said this:
Liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare
indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers.
[Conservatives] saw the savagery of 9/11 and the attacks and prepared
It's a shame the war they prepared for was the
wrong one - against a country that had nothing to do with 9/11.
And it's a shame that they didn't
prepare for what would happen after the initial invasion.
But nevertheless, it seems that it's just dandy for a high-profile
Republican to make such a divisive comment. "Therapy"
for terrorists? What a nut.
Unfortunately, when Dean made his statement Democratic leaders
fell all over themselves to condemn him. But when Karl Rove made
his remarks, the Republicans said,
"hey, what's the problem?" In fact, they even went so
far as to accuse the Democrats who criticized the remarks for making
"partisan attacks." Rove's comments certainly didn't
sit well with the 9/11 widows, but he apparently doesn't care
what they have to say.
Perhaps the most disingenous defense of Rove's comments have come
from conservatives who claim that Democrats fell into Rove's "trap"
- because he didn't say "Republicans" and "Democrats,"
he said "conservatives" and "liberals." Considering
that the right-wing's favorite sport is to throw out the word "liberal"
every time they refer to Democrats, are we suddenly supposed to
believe that for the first time in his life, Karl Rove did NOT mean
"Democrats" when he said "liberals?" Give me
And to think that George W. Bush made a promise
in 2000 to change the tone in Washington.
But Karl Rove wasn't the only one making outrageous statements
last week. Rep. John Hostettler (R-Obviously) said on the House
floor that "Like a moth to a flame, Democrats can't help themselves
when it comes to denigrating and demonizing Christians."
Never mind the fact that a majority of Democratic voters identify
themselves as Christian (compared with a super-majority of the,
yes, pretty monolithic Republican party). No, John Hostettler felt
perfectly comfortable using his time on the House floor to slander
and smear Democrats as Christian-haters. According
to the Associated Press, "Democrats leapt to their feet and
demanded Hostettler be censured for his remarks. After a half-hour's
worth of wrangling, Hostettler retracted his comments."
But where's the media outrage? Where are the loud, public demands
for an apology from talk-radio hosts and prominent politicians?
Don't be silly - Hostettler is a Republican.
So, how are things going in the war that conservatives allegedly
prepared for? Well, according
to Dick Cheney, the Iraq insurgency is in its "last throes."
Unfortunately, considering that every single statement Cheney has
made on Iraq - from weapons of mass destruction to troops being
greeted with flowers - has been utterly wrong, I wouldn't hold out
too much hope.
In fact, the situation in Iraq may not be just worse than Cheney
is making it out to be, but much worse. While our troops
are gamely attempting to hold back the insurgents, the CIA predicts
that "the Iraq insurgency poses an international threat
and may produce better-trained Islamic terrorists than the 1980s
Afghanistan war that gave rise to Osama bin Laden and al Qaeda,
officials said on Wednesday."
In case you've forgotten, the Islamic terrorists that fought the
Russians in the 1980s were on our side. Ronald Reagan even
Day" in their honor. And let's see... who was running the
government back then? Oh yes - Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and
A U.S. counterterrorism offical said last week that "You have
everything from bombings and assassinations to more or less conventional
attacks. The urban warfare experience, for people facing fairly
tight police and military activity at close quarters, should enable
them to operate in a wider range of settings."
Well that's just great.
But you don't just have to take the CIA's word for it - there
are plenty of other people who can back up the story of what's really
going on in Iraq. People like General John Abizaid, the top American
military commander in the Persian Gulf, who told the Senate Armed
Services Committee last week that the insurgency "was basically
undiminished from six months ago," according
to the Army Times.
At the same Committee hearing, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld
once again attempted to paint a rosy picture of Iraq's future, saying,
"Iraqis are building an economy and it's growing. The insurgency
remains dangerous, particularly in several parts of Iraq, but terrorists
no longer can take advantage of sanctuaries like Falluja. And coalition
and Iraqi forces are capturing or killing hundreds of violent extremists
on a weekly basis and confiscating literally a mountain of weapons."
But Rumsfeld's (and Cheney's) remarks were contradicted by General
Abizaid, who said, "I believe there are more foreign fighters
coming into Iraq than there were six months ago." When even
Republican senators like Chuck Hagel are starting to see the
writing on the wall, you know there's trouble brewing.
Looks like Tom DeLay is taking another of his regular vacations
to Cloud Cuckoo Land. Last week Tom defended the situation in Iraq
by comparing it to, um, Houston. Speaking to reporters, he
said: "You know, if Houston, Texas, was held to the same standard
as Iraq is held to, nobody'd go to Houston, because all this reporting
coming out of the local press in Houston is violence, murders, robberies,
deaths on the highways. And if you took that as the image of what
is a great city that has an incredible quality of life and an incredible
economy, it's amazing to me. Go to Iraq. And see what's actually
Tell you what Tom - you go to Iraq. And while you're there
watch out for the two-a-day suicide bombings, the innumerable roadside
IEDs, and the rocket propelled grenades which have so far succeeded
in killing more than 1700 of our young men and women, not to mention
thousands upon thousands of innocent civilians. And if that sounds
like Houston to you, then your problem is even worse than I originally
George W. Bush
It used to be said that Americans liked George W. Bush because
they felt they could hang out with him - you know, have a drink,
shoot the shit... well that's all well and good, but don't try it
at his house.
Last week Bush got bent out of shape when, during a Q&A session
with South Korean President Roh Moo-hyn in the Oval Office, two
members of the South Korean press corps "sprawled on a couch to
get a good position for the remarks." According
to the Houston Chronicle, "The generally loquacious Bush delivered
his comments in short, abrupt sentences with a tone of impatience.
So profound was his air of injury that at one point, Secretary of
State Condoleezza Rice and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, standing
against a wall, stepped forward to peer at the offending sound technicians."
Why was Bush so offended? Because apparently he's got a pole shoved
so far up his ass that "touching the furniture in the Oval Office
is strictly forbidden." Geez, and I thought the Democrats
were supposed to be stuck-up. Don't touch the furniture? Okay grandma,
whatever you say!
We noted back in Idiots 126
that everyone's favorite carnivore Ted Nugent was being sued for
child support by the mother of a child he fathered out of wedlock
in 1995. Well, last week he was ordered to do cough up to the tune
of $3,500 a month. For you family values conservatives who are keeping
score, Nugent has been married to his wife since 1989, and they
have four children together.
Funnily enough, The Nuge's bio
on his website says that he was once awarded "Father of the Year"
at his children's school. I guess they forgot to put the word "Deadbeat"
at the beginning.
Anyone else sick of being told by Bush voters that people who
don't support the war are helping the terrorists? Anyone else sick
of brave Republican warmongers finding all kinds of reasons not
to join the military, despite the growing recruitment crisis? You
may be interested to know that a breakdown of the Iraq war dead
shows that more come from states that voted for John Kerry. In general,
the bluer the state, the more dead soldiers. Check out these maps:
Now with the ol' Red vs. Blue map superimposed:
For some reason I expected to see more of the staunch Bush-voting
"heartland" Republicans out west doing their bit for the cause...
Maybe this will clear things up a bit. Last week, the Defense
Department began an extremely dubious project with "a private marketing
firm to create a database of high school students ages 16 to 18
and all college students to help the military identify potential
recruits in a time of dwindling enlistment in some branches," according
to the Washington Post.
Potential recruits eh? Well I surely can't think of a better bunch
than the attendees at the upcoming Young Republican National Convention.
Unfortunately, recruiting these brave war-supporters may not be
as easy as you think. Crooks and Liars recently attempted
to place an ad in the official program of the Young Republican National
Convention (using an assumed name, of course). The ad read:
Our nation is at War!
We are in a desperate struggle for all we believe in.
Our military is suffering a manpower crisis.
Why are you here when your country needs you in Iraq?
Talk is cheap. America needs more from you.
College, family, and careers can wait.
Heed your nation's call and enlist in the infantry today.
Makes sense, right? Surely the Young Republican National Convention
is prime pickings for the nation's military recruiters - fresh-faced
young men and women who are not only ripe for military service,
but wholeheartedly support the war!
We are sorry but we must regretfully reject this advertisment.
We feel that the tone of the message is too negative.
Aww, poor darlings. Well, if they don't want a reminder of the
human cost of the Iraq occupation spoiling their little shindig,
that's their business. I'm sure they don't need, you know, reality
to get in the way of making tough-sounding speeches and toasting
Donald Rumsfeld. Huge props to Crooks
and Liars for exposing these chickenhawks.
And finally, a quick update on Our Great Leader's quest to return
honor and dignity to the White House. In Idiots 202
we noted that the National Republican Congressional Committee welcomed
porn king Mark Kulkis to its President's Dinner with open arms;
Kulkis brought porn star Mary Carey with him to the dinner.
to World Nut Daily, Carey "made no secret prior to the
event of wanting to have sex with Karl Rove, Bill O'Reilly, Sean
Hannity, Pat Buchanan and Alan Colmes in addition to at least
one player from every team in the NBA." But last week it was
revealed that Carey also had her sights set on... the Bush twins.
"Oh my God, his daughters!" she said. "I'd love
to party with his daughters. I'd love to meet them. I totally want
to have sex with them." So let's not forget NRCC communications
director Carl Forti's comment on Carey's appearance at the dinner:
"They've paid their money. No matter what they do, the money
is going to go to help elect Republicans to the House."
Is that the rancid perfume of freshly-squeezed hypocrisy I smell
wafting through the streets of Washington DC? Either that or the
sewers are backed up again. See you next week!
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