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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 203)

June 27, 2005
Divide And Conquer Edition

As polls show a disturbing erosion of support for Bush's Iraq policies, Republicans have been doing their best to once again tie the occupation to 9/11. Leading the charge last week was Karl Rove (1), who made perhaps the administration's most disgraceful (and dishonest) attempt yet to divide America; and John Hostettler (2) followed Karl's lead, upping the partisan ante with a few shrill comments about religion. Meanwhile Dick Cheney (3) and Donald Rumsfeld (4) were desperately trying to revive the public's interest in Iraq by making similar rosy statements to the ones that got us in trouble there in the first place. Fool me once... Elsewhere, Tom DeLay (5) is on crack, George W. Bush (6) has got his jockeys in a twist, and Young Republican Chickenhawks (9) are having a big ol' get-together to cheer on the great war they're not fighting in. Enjoy, and as usual don't forget the key!

1Karl Rove hypocrisy hypocrisy partisanship partisanship just plain evil
The media kicked up an awful stink about the supposedly "outrageous" comments made by Democrats such as Howard Dean and Dick Durbin recently. But like so many other so-called news stories of the recent past, the media have made sure to kick Democrats and turn a blind eye to Republicans. Take the Dick Durbin incident, for example. He makes a comment about Nazis, and the next thing you know Bill Frist is saying that Durbin called Guantanamo Bay a "death camp." Frist wasn't just taking Durbin's comments out of context, he was literally making quotes up out of whole cloth. Durbin apologized - but where was the outrage from Republicans and the media when Sen. Rick Santorum recently compared Democrats to Hitler? They were looking the other way, as usual.

The same goes for Howard Dean, who not long ago said that the Republican party is "a pretty monolithic party ... it's pretty much a white, Christian party." Which happens to be true, except that's not really the point - Republicans and the media got a great deal of entertainment frothing at the mouth about the "out-of-control" DNC chairman and his wild and wacky ways.

But last week presidential adviser Karl "Turd Blossom" Rove said this:

Liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers. [Conservatives] saw the savagery of 9/11 and the attacks and prepared for war.

It's a shame the war they prepared for was the wrong one - against a country that had nothing to do with 9/11. And it's a shame that they didn't prepare for what would happen after the initial invasion. But nevertheless, it seems that it's just dandy for a high-profile Republican to make such a divisive comment. "Therapy" for terrorists? What a nut.

Unfortunately, when Dean made his statement Democratic leaders fell all over themselves to condemn him. But when Karl Rove made his remarks, the Republicans said, "hey, what's the problem?" In fact, they even went so far as to accuse the Democrats who criticized the remarks for making "partisan attacks." Rove's comments certainly didn't sit well with the 9/11 widows, but he apparently doesn't care what they have to say.

Perhaps the most disingenous defense of Rove's comments have come from conservatives who claim that Democrats fell into Rove's "trap" - because he didn't say "Republicans" and "Democrats," he said "conservatives" and "liberals." Considering that the right-wing's favorite sport is to throw out the word "liberal" every time they refer to Democrats, are we suddenly supposed to believe that for the first time in his life, Karl Rove did NOT mean "Democrats" when he said "liberals?" Give me a break.

And to think that George W. Bush made a promise in 2000 to change the tone in Washington.

2John Hostettler partisanship partisanship
But Karl Rove wasn't the only one making outrageous statements last week. Rep. John Hostettler (R-Obviously) said on the House floor that "Like a moth to a flame, Democrats can't help themselves when it comes to denigrating and demonizing Christians."

Never mind the fact that a majority of Democratic voters identify themselves as Christian (compared with a super-majority of the, yes, pretty monolithic Republican party). No, John Hostettler felt perfectly comfortable using his time on the House floor to slander and smear Democrats as Christian-haters. According to the Associated Press, "Democrats leapt to their feet and demanded Hostettler be censured for his remarks. After a half-hour's worth of wrangling, Hostettler retracted his comments."

But where's the media outrage? Where are the loud, public demands for an apology from talk-radio hosts and prominent politicians?

Don't be silly - Hostettler is a Republican.

3Dick Cheney lying helping the terrorists
So, how are things going in the war that conservatives allegedly prepared for? Well, according to Dick Cheney, the Iraq insurgency is in its "last throes." Unfortunately, considering that every single statement Cheney has made on Iraq - from weapons of mass destruction to troops being greeted with flowers - has been utterly wrong, I wouldn't hold out too much hope.

In fact, the situation in Iraq may not be just worse than Cheney is making it out to be, but much worse. While our troops are gamely attempting to hold back the insurgents, the CIA predicts that "the Iraq insurgency poses an international threat and may produce better-trained Islamic terrorists than the 1980s Afghanistan war that gave rise to Osama bin Laden and al Qaeda, officials said on Wednesday."

In case you've forgotten, the Islamic terrorists that fought the Russians in the 1980s were on our side. Ronald Reagan even created "Afghanistan Day" in their honor. And let's see... who was running the government back then? Oh yes - Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and friends.

A U.S. counterterrorism offical said last week that "You have everything from bombings and assassinations to more or less conventional attacks. The urban warfare experience, for people facing fairly tight police and military activity at close quarters, should enable them to operate in a wider range of settings."

Well that's just great.

4Donald Rumsfeld lying helping the terrorists
But you don't just have to take the CIA's word for it - there are plenty of other people who can back up the story of what's really going on in Iraq. People like General John Abizaid, the top American military commander in the Persian Gulf, who told the Senate Armed Services Committee last week that the insurgency "was basically undiminished from six months ago," according to the Army Times.

At the same Committee hearing, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld once again attempted to paint a rosy picture of Iraq's future, saying, "Iraqis are building an economy and it's growing. The insurgency remains dangerous, particularly in several parts of Iraq, but terrorists no longer can take advantage of sanctuaries like Falluja. And coalition and Iraqi forces are capturing or killing hundreds of violent extremists on a weekly basis and confiscating literally a mountain of weapons."

But Rumsfeld's (and Cheney's) remarks were contradicted by General Abizaid, who said, "I believe there are more foreign fighters coming into Iraq than there were six months ago." When even Republican senators like Chuck Hagel are starting to see the writing on the wall, you know there's trouble brewing.

5Tom DeLay dumb dumb dumb
Looks like Tom DeLay is taking another of his regular vacations to Cloud Cuckoo Land. Last week Tom defended the situation in Iraq by comparing it to, um, Houston. Speaking to reporters, he said: "You know, if Houston, Texas, was held to the same standard as Iraq is held to, nobody'd go to Houston, because all this reporting coming out of the local press in Houston is violence, murders, robberies, deaths on the highways. And if you took that as the image of what is a great city that has an incredible quality of life and an incredible economy, it's amazing to me. Go to Iraq. And see what's actually happening there."

Tell you what Tom - you go to Iraq. And while you're there watch out for the two-a-day suicide bombings, the innumerable roadside IEDs, and the rocket propelled grenades which have so far succeeded in killing more than 1700 of our young men and women, not to mention thousands upon thousands of innocent civilians. And if that sounds like Houston to you, then your problem is even worse than I originally thought.

6 George W. Bush massive ego dumb
It used to be said that Americans liked George W. Bush because they felt they could hang out with him - you know, have a drink, shoot the shit... well that's all well and good, but don't try it at his house.

Last week Bush got bent out of shape when, during a Q&A session with South Korean President Roh Moo-hyn in the Oval Office, two members of the South Korean press corps "sprawled on a couch to get a good position for the remarks." According to the Houston Chronicle, "The generally loquacious Bush delivered his comments in short, abrupt sentences with a tone of impatience. So profound was his air of injury that at one point, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, standing against a wall, stepped forward to peer at the offending sound technicians."

Why was Bush so offended? Because apparently he's got a pole shoved so far up his ass that "touching the furniture in the Oval Office is strictly forbidden." Geez, and I thought the Democrats were supposed to be stuck-up. Don't touch the furniture? Okay grandma, whatever you say!

7Ted Nugent sex
We noted back in Idiots 126 that everyone's favorite carnivore Ted Nugent was being sued for child support by the mother of a child he fathered out of wedlock in 1995. Well, last week he was ordered to do cough up to the tune of $3,500 a month. For you family values conservatives who are keeping score, Nugent has been married to his wife since 1989, and they have four children together.

Funnily enough, The Nuge's bio on his website says that he was once awarded "Father of the Year" at his children's school. I guess they forgot to put the word "Deadbeat" at the beginning.

8Red State Chickenhawks warmongering hypocrisy
Anyone else sick of being told by Bush voters that people who don't support the war are helping the terrorists? Anyone else sick of brave Republican warmongers finding all kinds of reasons not to join the military, despite the growing recruitment crisis? You may be interested to know that a breakdown of the Iraq war dead shows that more come from states that voted for John Kerry. In general, the bluer the state, the more dead soldiers. Check out these maps:

Now with the ol' Red vs. Blue map superimposed:

For some reason I expected to see more of the staunch Bush-voting "heartland" Republicans out west doing their bit for the cause...

9Young Republican Chickenhawks warmongering hypocrisy
Maybe this will clear things up a bit. Last week, the Defense Department began an extremely dubious project with "a private marketing firm to create a database of high school students ages 16 to 18 and all college students to help the military identify potential recruits in a time of dwindling enlistment in some branches," according to the Washington Post.

Potential recruits eh? Well I surely can't think of a better bunch than the attendees at the upcoming Young Republican National Convention. Unfortunately, recruiting these brave war-supporters may not be as easy as you think. Crooks and Liars recently attempted to place an ad in the official program of the Young Republican National Convention (using an assumed name, of course). The ad read:

Our nation is at War!

We are in a desperate struggle for all we believe in.
Our military is suffering a manpower crisis.
Why are you here when your country needs you in Iraq?
Talk is cheap. America needs more from you.
College, family, and careers can wait.
Heed your nation's call and enlist in the infantry today.

Makes sense, right? Surely the Young Republican National Convention is prime pickings for the nation's military recruiters - fresh-faced young men and women who are not only ripe for military service, but wholeheartedly support the war!

Their response:

We are sorry but we must regretfully reject this advertisment. We feel that the tone of the message is too negative.

Aww, poor darlings. Well, if they don't want a reminder of the human cost of the Iraq occupation spoiling their little shindig, that's their business. I'm sure they don't need, you know, reality to get in the way of making tough-sounding speeches and toasting Donald Rumsfeld. Huge props to Crooks and Liars for exposing these chickenhawks.

10Family Values Republicans sex sex sex sex hypocrisy hypocrisy
And finally, a quick update on Our Great Leader's quest to return honor and dignity to the White House. In Idiots 202 we noted that the National Republican Congressional Committee welcomed porn king Mark Kulkis to its President's Dinner with open arms; Kulkis brought porn star Mary Carey with him to the dinner.

According to World Nut Daily, Carey "made no secret prior to the event of wanting to have sex with Karl Rove, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Pat Buchanan and Alan Colmes – in addition to at least one player from every team in the NBA." But last week it was revealed that Carey also had her sights set on... the Bush twins. Honestly.

"Oh my God, his daughters!" she said. "I'd love to party with his daughters. I'd love to meet them. I totally want to have sex with them." So let's not forget NRCC communications director Carl Forti's comment on Carey's appearance at the dinner: "They've paid their money. No matter what they do, the money is going to go to help elect Republicans to the House."

Is that the rancid perfume of freshly-squeezed hypocrisy I smell wafting through the streets of Washington DC? Either that or the sewers are backed up again. See you next week!

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