The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
June 20, 2005
Cracks In The Facade Edition
been a rough time for George W. Bush (1,2,3) and his Republican
cohorts lately. Our Great Leader's approval ratings are in freefall,
he's lashing out at the Democrats, and he's actively courting, um,
porn stars. Bush's anti-Midas-touch appears to be rubbing off on
other Republicans too - Bill Frist (4) was embarrassed by the Terri
Schiavo autopsy results, meanwhile Jeb Bush (5) is just an embarrassment.
Elsewhere, Rick Perry (7) hates gays, Fred Phelps (8) hates the
troops, and Dana Milbank (10) is a condescending asshole without
a single iota of journalistic integrity. Whoops, have I said too
much? Enjoy, and as usual don't forget the key!
First things first...
It's a good job Our Great Leader doesn't pay any attention to polls,
Mind you, never let it be said that President Personal Responsibility
ever allows the buck to slip past him. George W. Bush was out and
about last week placing the blame for his sinking approval ratings
right where it belongs - at the feet of... the Democrats?
"On issue after issue they stand for nothing except obstruction,"
at a Republican fundraiser last week. "Political parties that
choose the path of obstruction will not gain the trust of the American
people." What a wimp! So let's see... the Republicans control
the White House, the House of Representatives, and the Senate, and
have recently been doing what they can to plant conservative activists
in the judiciary - and it's the Democrats' fault that Bush
can't get his agenda through?
Bush also accused the Democrats of not leading. I'm sorry, but
if his idea of a good leader is someone who can't get shit done
despite the fact that his party controls the entire federal government,
well - let's just say that's probably why the situation in Iraq
is so dire right now.
Here's the deal - it's Bush job to get his wingnut, citizen-harming
agenda through Congress. It's the Democrats' job to stop him. So
if he's blaming the Democrats for his own failing agenda, surely
they're doing their jobs right, and he's the one screwing
Since a growing majority of people disapprove of what Bush is doing
on just about everything, he should probably be careful about throwing
this kind of rhetoric around. Otherwise folks might start to wonder
who's really representing them in Washington DC, and why
Bush's "leadership" is failing them so dismally.
Remember the good old days when George W. Bush was going to
restore "honor and dignity" to the White House? I'm afraid
those days are long gone. Coming hot on the heels of the Jeff Gannon
scandal, Our Great Leader has apparently decided to eschew amateur
pornographers wandering around the White House in favor of the real
Last week, Mark Kulkis of Kick Ass Productions, a hard-core porn
production company based in California, was invited to "The
2005 President's Dinner and Salute to Freedom," held by the
National Republican Congressional Committee. Kulkis had donated
$5,000 to the NRCC, and chose to bring porn star Mary Carey with
him to the event.
To continue this story, I'm going to hand over to World Nut Daily
because, while I think their "news" outlet is a pile of
crap, it's really too funny to see them blowing steam out their
ears over this. Writes
I want you to imagine the squeals of outrage we would have heard
if, back in the 1990s, President Clinton spoke to a Democratic
congressional fund-raising dinner attended by a porn star and
But the "family values" Republicans are mute about
just such an event scheduled for next week involving not
Clinton, but President Bush.
Last week, Carl Forti, communications director for the National
Republican Congressional Committee, explained to WND that self-described
pornographer Mark Kulkis and his date, porn star Mary Carey, will
be attending the two-day event, "The 2005 President's Dinner
and Salute to Freedom," next Monday and Tuesday because their
money is just as good as anyone else's.
"I'm especially looking forward to meeting Karl Rove,"
[Carey] said. "Smart men like him are so sexy. I know that
he's against gay marriage, but I think I can convince him that
a little girl-on-girl action now and then isn't so bad."
I love it.
But there is some good news for the radical right in all
this. Again, according to World Nut Daily, Kulkis "boasts of
making only authentic hard-core action movies where actors don't
wear condoms." So cheer up, Christian conservatives - at least
you and Kulkis can agree on the evils of condom use. See? It is
all about family values after all!
Terri Schiavo's autopsy results were announced last week and
left no question as to her condition - according
to CNN, the autopsy "backed her husband's contention that
she was in a persistent vegetative state, finding that she had massive
and irreversible brain damage ... It also found no evidence that
she was strangled or otherwise abused." The medical examiner
reported that Schiavo's brain was about half of its expected size,
and in short, "This damage was irreversible, and no amount
of therapy or treatment would have regenerated the massive loss
In fact, the only question left after the examiner's press conference
was, "When is Bill Frist going to have his medical license
revoked?" Frist famously diagnosed Schiavo on the Senate floor
after watching a one-hour video provided by her family. According
to the London Times, back in March "Frist, the Republican
leader in the Senate and a potential presidential candidate in 2008,
dropped a bombshell in both medical and political circles by offering
a lengthy diagnosis based on video footage that he said he had spent
'an hour or so looking at' in his office. He quoted several medical
texts and concluded: 'She certainly seems to respond to visual stimuli.'"
Funny that, since the autopsy also conclusively demonstrated that
Terri Schiavo was blind.
Bill Frist was roundly criticized by medical experts at the time
of his diagnosis, and rightly so. But now he just wants everyone
to forget about his unethical and unprofessional behavior. "The
diagnosis they made is exactly right. It's the pathology, I'll respect
said last week. "I think it's time to move on." What,
no apology to Michael Schiavo?
Frist also claimed that "I never made the diagnosis, I wouldn't
even attempt to make a diagnosis from a videotape." So I guess
he's a quack AND a liar.
Apparently Jeb Bush didn't get the memo about "moving
on" though - it seems that he's decided to continue his harassment
of Michael Schiavo. Bush announced last week that he had met with
the medical examiner before the autopsy results were released, and
"What he did say to me that was troubling ... was that there
was some doubt about when she collapsed and how long it took for
a phone call to be made to 911. I think that is worthy of some investigation."
Jeb's comments were prompted by the Schindler family - Terri's
parents - who maintain that Michael Schiavo had a hand in the collapse
which originally put Terri into a persistent vegetative state. The
cause of that collapse still remains unknown. According
to the St. Petersburg Times, the family "wants to know
what caused Terri Schiavo's heart to temporarily stop beating that
morning. They plan to have their own experts review the autopsy
in search of answers." Mind you, the Schindler family also
say that Michael Schiavo was a money-grubbing bastard who abused
his wife, fed her drugs, and broke bones in her body. And all of
that has been disproven.
Meanwhile, Michael's attorney weighed in on Jeb's ghoulish politicization
of the unfortunate case of Terri Schiavo. "I think it's sad
and disgusting given the governor's continuing unwarranted meddling
in this case," he said. "The extent to which he will prostitute
himself to right-wing constituents for his future political gain
I think is just pitiful."
Amen to that.
Are you concerned that the American government is imprisoning
people without trial? Do you feel uneasy that the United States
now advocates torture as a way to deal with these people? Why, you
un-American pansy! Don't you know that the prisoners at Six Flags
Guantanamo Bay are being treated like royalty?
Fortunately we have elected representatives such as House Armed
Services Committee Chairman Duncan Hunter (R-Obviously) to remind
us of our priorities. Hunter appeared on TV last week, and at a
Capitol Hill news conference, to, um, read the menus of the Gitmo
to the San Diego Union-Tribune, "For nearly every
question that reporters asked about aggressive interrogations and
lack of judicial process involving the 500-plus detainees, Hunter's
answers were 'honey glazed chicken' or 'lemon baked fish,' served
with whole-wheat pita, various vegetables and fruit."
"The inmates in Guantanamo have never eaten better, they've
never been treated better and they've never been more comfortable
in their lives," said Hunter. "And the idea that somehow
we are torturing people in Guantanamo is absolutely not true, unless
you consider having to eat chicken three times a week is torture."
Well damn, sounds like paradise! Sign me up! Although I suppose
one could make the argument that there's a sort of sliding scale
from "being treated well" to "being treated poorly"
guards pissing on you."
Still, at least these tactics seem to be working - last week George
W. Bush announced
that "Since Sept. 11, federal terrorism investigations have
resulted in charges against more than 400 suspects, and more than
half of those charged have been convicted." Not bad huh? Until
you realize that, in fact, only 39
people have been convicted since 2001 on charges relating to
terrorism or national security.
Last week Texas governor Rick Perry appeared at an evangelical
school and "signed a resolution putting the anti-gay-marriage
amendment on the statewide ballot," according
to the Dallas Voice, despite the fact that his signature
was not required. Perry was subsequently asked how the proposed
amendment might affect gay veterans in Texas. He replied "Texans
made a decision about marriage, and if there's a state that has
more lenient views than Texas, then maybe thats a better place
for them to live."
That's it? No "I thank them for their serving their country,
but...?" No "I support the troops, but...?" Nope
- just, "If gay veterans don't like it, they should get the
hell out of my state." I guess Perry hates gays so much that
it even trumps acknowledging their military service. Impressive.
Maybe Perry can join forces with another recently-announced
troops-hater, Fred Phelps. Phelps, of "God Hates Fags"
fame, is most associated with protesting at the funerals of AIDS
victims and gays, but he has of late decided to start picketing
the funerals of soldiers - gay or not. Last week he announced
that he would protest at the funeral of Cpl. Carrie French, who
was killed in Iraq by an IED.
Phelps says that, "Our attitude toward what's happening with
the war is the Lord is punishing this evil nation for abandoning
all moral imperatives that are worth a dime." So let me get
this straight - Phelps is claiming that our soldiers are dying in
Iraq because God is punishing America for "abandoning moral
imperatives" - therefore he's going around demonstrating at
soldiers' funerals, causing havoc and further traumatizing their
families? I'd be utterly confused if I hadn't read this
excellent analysis which explains a great deal.
The right-wing are always trying to claim that people on the left
who don't support George W. Bush's war in Iraq also don't support
the troops (which is just a blatant
lie). Meanwhile heroes of the radical right like Scumbag Phelps
are ruining their memorial services. Astonishing.
Last week senators co-sponsored a resolution to apologize for
previous legislative failures to prevent lynchings during the first
half of the 20th century. Unfortunately, Majority Leader Bill Frist
"refused repeated requests for a roll call vote that would
have put senators on the record," according
to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. So who were the
senators who decided not to sign on to the resolution? Here
they are*, courtesy
* Editor's note: The list of twenty senators we originally
linked to was apparently slightly outdated - since it was published,
six of those senators joined with their saner counterparts. The
list above reflects the fourteen senators we now
know to be fans of lynching, thanks to AmericaBlog. And yes
- they're all Republicans.
And finally: stick a fork in the "mainstream media"
- it could do with a good forking. Last week Rep. John Conyers held
unofficial hearings into the Downing Street Memos - the official
British documents which reveal
that in early March 2002, "the intelligence and facts were
being fixed around the policy" so that Bush could get his war
on with Iraq.
The "mainstream media" were typically lax in their reporting
of anything that might be unfavorable to the Bush administration,
but the worst offender was easily Dana Milbank of the Washington
Post. Milbank's column
managed to avoid the substance of the hearings entirely, and instead
had a good laugh about "Conyers and his hearty band of playmates"
enjoying their "dress-up game" while taking "a trip
to the land of make-believe." Yes - this actually appeared
in the Washington Post.
For good measure, Milbank focused on a small group of nutjobs who
showed up at DNC headquarters to hand out the old "Jews knew
about 9/11 in advance" bullcrap, as if they had anything to
do with the matters at hand. And thanks to Milbank's ace reporting,
we also know that at one point someone mistakenly turned off the
lights, and a witness accidentally knocked down a flag. Whoopee.
Milbank also made sure to mention that "A search of the congressional
record yesterday found that of the 535 members of Congress, only
one - Conyers - had mentioned the memo on the floor of either chamber.
House Democratic leaders did not join in Conyers's session, and
Senate Democrats, who have the power to hold such events in real
committee rooms, have not troubled themselves." Not only was
he didn't bother to mention that after the meeting Conyers delivered
a letter to the White House signed by 122 Democratic House members,
and a petition signed by 560,000 - yes, that's 560,000 -
citizens. But I guess Milbank wanted to strike a balance, you know,
between those 560,000 citizens and the six
members of Free Republic who showed up to counter-protest.
Ironically, Milbank's waste of column inches appeared in the Post
on the day of the 33rd anniversary of the Watergate break-in. How
the mighty have fallen. See you next week, and special congratulations
to John Conyers for his efforts on behalf of the truth - don't let
the bastards get you down!
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