The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
May 16, 2005
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is obviously in the air - it's been a surprisingly strong week for
revelations of conservative sexual impropriety. John Bolton (1)
is allegedly quite the swinger, David Hager (4) has apparently not
been practicing what he preaches, and Neal Horsley (5) has got to
be the freakiest conservative idiot ever. Elsewhere George W. Bush
(2) is way out of the loop, Dennis Miller (7) and Chan Chandler
(8) are looking for work, and The Robber Barons (9) are sitting
pretty. This week is a special pictorial edition of the Top Ten
Conservative Idiots, so enjoy, and as usual don't forget the key!
Last week the Senate Foreign Relations Committee voted
to advance the nomination of John R. Bolton - Bush's famously
angry pick for U.N. ambassador - to a full vote in the Senate. (If
you're wondering what Bolton's middle initial stands for, it's RRRRRRRR.)
Interestingly though, they advanced the nomination "without
recommendation," which means that a couple of the Foreign Relations
Committee's Republicans want to give him a chance in the Senate
but still think he's a jackhole. However, the big news of the past
week was porn king Larry Flynt's sordid allegations about Bolton's
past. Flynt claimed to have proof that during the '70s Bolton was
at the famous sex club Plato's Retreat. Wow, talk about the
ultimate mustache ride!
Bolton: "The ladies love a man with
something to hang on to."
Flynt also alleges that the reason Bolton's first wife left in
1982 (taking most of the furniture with her, apparently) was that
she was fed up with him forcing her to attend orgies. Jeez, I mean,
the poor guy was just trying to involve his wife in his hobby. Mind
you, this could explain why Bolton is so famously angry these days
- perhaps he just needs a bit of group sex every so often to blow
off some steam. I think that if the Senate approves his nomination
they should definitely make some "special arrangements"
so that he doesn't, you know, punch the Dutch ambassador in the
face or something.
Run! Run for your lives! Last week the Capitol Building, the
White House, and the U.S. Supreme Court building were evacuated
when a couple of lost Bush
supporters in a Cessna light aircraft strayed into Washington
D.C.'s no fly zone. Laura Bush was rushed into a secure bunker,
Dick Cheney was hustled from one undisclosed location to another,
F-16 fighter jets buzzed the capitol and fired warning flares at
the disoriented airmen. It was all very exciting. Fortunately there
was one person who wasn't interrupted by all this mayhem - Our Great
Leader, George W. Bush. Turns out Bush was too busy riding
a bike around Maryland to be bothered with such things as, oh,
the possibly imminent death of his wife.
Bush: "Sorry, did I miss something?"
Yup - believe it or not, Bush wasn't told about the evacuation
of 30,000 people in the middle of D.C. until the all-clear was sounded.
And according to press secretary Scott McClellan, that's perfectly
normal. Scott told the press last week that, "He was not in
danger, a situation where protocols have been put in place to address
the situation. The protocols were followed." In fact, Scott
lauded the protocols several times, even to questions like,
"Might there be something wrong with protocols that render
the president unnecessary when the alarm is going off at his house?"
Still, even if the president didn't need to know that someone was
about to crash an airplane on his front lawn, it made for great
breathless cable news coverage - which was especially convenient
coming on the same day that...
...Tom Ridge finally admitted what everyone already knew: government-issued
terror alerts are used for partisan political purposes. Yes, in
the latest in a long line of damning revelations by former Bush
cabinet members, Ridge complained last week that "he often
disagreed with administration officials who wanted to elevate the
threat level to orange, or 'high' risk of terrorist attack, but
was overruled," according
to USA Today. Overruled? Overruled by whom? Let's see. Tom Ridge
was the head of Homeland Security. That means he was the number
one head honcho in charge of the safety of the nation - aside of
course from the Commander-in-Chief, George W. Bush, who, as we have
already established, is not even informed when someone's about to
fly a plane into his house. So if Ridge wasn't in charge of deciding
when to raise the alert level, who was? We'll give you a clue:
Rove: "It was me! I did it!"
But let's get back to the sexcapades. It was revealed
last week that Dr. David Hager, Bush appointee to the Advisory Committee
for Reproductive Health Drugs in the Food and Drug Administration,
apparently liked to forcibly sodomize his wife. This is in fact
according to said wife Linda Carruth Davis, who spent the last seven
years of their 32 year marriage literally taking it up the ass.
"I probably wouldn't have objected so much, or felt it was
so abusive if he had just wanted normal [vaginal] sex all the time,"
said, "But it was the painful, invasive, totally nonconsensual
nature of the [anal] sex that was so horrible."
Hager: "Trust me, I'm a doctor."
Now, just to be clear, David Hager is a Focus on the Family stooge
who has written dubious books about female sexuality (books such
as Stress and the Woman's Body and As Jesus Cared for
Women) and likes to publicly moralize about the culture war
that evil liberals are waging on good Christians such as himself.
I dunno, it's just my opinion, but perhaps he should have spent
more time focusing on the family and less time anally raping his
And if you think that's bad - which it is - check this out:
Neal Horsley, infamous pro-life
militant and occasional spokesman for the fundy terrorist organization
"Army of God" admitted to Alan Colmes last week that he
had had sex with a mule. Seriously. And the strange thing was, Horsley
seemed to think that everyone else did that sort of thing, and the
only reason that city-folk didn't know about it was because they
were so out of touch with rural values. What a crackpot! Here's
a partial transcript
from Alan Colmes' radio show:
Colmes: Is it true?
Horsley: Hey, Alan, if you want to accuse me of having
sex when I was a fool, I did everything that crossed my mind that
looked like I...
Colmes: You had sex with animals?
Horsley: Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on
a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule.
Colmes: I'm not so sure that that is so.
Horsley: You didn't grow up on a farm in Georgia, did
Colmes: Are you suggesting that everybody who grows up
on a farm in Georgia has a mule as a girlfriend?
Horsley: It has historically been the case. You people
are so far removed from the reality... Welcome to domestic life
on the farm...
Horsley: You experiment with anything that moves when
you are growing up sexually. You're naive. You know better than
that... If it's warm and it's damp and it vibrates you might in
fact have sex with it.
Don't believe it? I wasn't sure myself until I heard the tape.
here for Horsley's full audio deviancy.
Mule: "Oh, you know you want it."
The Bush Administration
Guess what, Republicans? You've been scammed. At the end of
the Cold War, the Reagan administration requested cuts in military
spending. You ought to remember that - those were the cuts that
John Kerry voted for, that the Karl Rove Smear Machine ruined him
with last year. During the Clinton years, military spending continued
its slow decline, as per the recommendations of the previous administrations.
And what did the right-wing do? Constantly whine about how Clinton
was hurting the military. Then, as soon as George W. Bush came into
power, well everything was hunky-dory. Here's a president who really
loves the military! Never mind the cuts
in veterans benefits. Never mind the cuts
in combat pay. Never mind the cuts
in family-separation allowances. Why, George W. Bush just loves
the military. He was even good enough to send them over to Iraq
where only 1600 of them have been killed so far with no end in sight.
And what's Bush's latest move to demonstrate how much he loves the
military? Let's ask him:
Bush: "Plane? What plane?"
Okay, I'll tell you then. Last week the Bush administration
that they would be closing 150 military installations from Maine
to Hawaii, including 33 major bases. If approved, this could
lead to 26,187 lost jobs. That's how much George W. Bush
loves the military. Meanwhile Donald Rumsfeld is going around bragging
that these closures will save us $48.8 billion over the next 20
years - that's $2.4 billion per year. Good job. Know how long it
takes us to spend $2.4 billion in Iraq? Slightly less than 14
Poor old Dennis Miller. From the peak of his powers at the desk
of Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update, to the booth of Monday
Night Football, to political commentator on Fox News, to a show
nobody watched on CNBC... it's all been downhill for Dennis since
he decided to hitch his wagon to an ass named George W. Bush. Last
week it was revealed
that Mr. Miller's CNBC show has been canceled, a revelation which
brought cheers and jeers from - well, nobody, because nobody watched
it. Ah well, I guess he's still got the NetZero commercials. For
Miller: "I'm outta here!"
But Dennis Miller wasn't the only one out of a job last week.
In Idiots 197 we noted that Chan Chandler,
pastor of East Waynesville Baptist Church, NC, had shitcanned half
of his congregation after deciding that they must repent if they
voted for John Kerry. Last week Chandler quit after a firestorm
of protest. He insisted to the last that he "did not make political
to the New York Times - but that's not what his congregation
said. The Times reported that "Tensions had escalated last
week, when several members said Chandler called a meeting of the
church's board of deacons and declared his intention for East Waynesville
to become a politically active church."
Chandler: "Hey, at least I'm not anally
raping my wife."
Of course, Chandler also took one last opportunity to demonstrate
the ridiculous hypocrisy behind his decision: "This never has
been about politics," he said. "It's always been about
whether the Bible applies to the entire life of a Christian."
So I guess for Chandler that means using his church to support a
guy who executed 152 Texas prisoners in six years, started a seemingly
endless war which has so far killed tens of thousands of innocent
civilians (collateral damage must be one of Chandler's Christian
values), and who hurts the poor to profit the rich. Okay... whatever.
While we're on the subject of hurting the poor, let's take a
quick look at some economic news from last week. It turns out that
while consumer prices are rising and wages remain comparatively
stagnant for the middle class, CEOs are getting quite the windfall.
Did you know that the chief executives of the 500 largest U.S. corporations
received an average pay raise of 54% last year? Nice huh?
But to be fair, it's only because they're doing such a great job
screwing the consumer. For
example, while health care premiums are steadily increasing
and health care benefits are steadily decreasing, the third-highest
paid CEO last year made $124.8 million. Who is he? William McGuire
of UnitedHealth Group, America's biggest insurance company. Or take
CEO Ray Gilmartin of Merck, who received a "performance-based
bonus" in 2004 despite the fact that Merck stock fell by 28
percent. And the real kick in the face? These guys didn't just get
a 54% pay raise - they also made out like bandits from George W.
Bush's tax cuts for the rich. So while Our Great Leader tries to
take away your Social Security safety net and you're struggling
to pay your bills this summer, spare a thought for the poor underprivileged
CEOs. And remember: according to Chan Chandler and Co., this is
just what Jesus would have wanted.
CEO: "Don't blame me, it's the will
And Dumber And Friends
And finally, Kansas's debate on science vs. stupidity came
to a head last week when proponents of so-called "intelligent
design" testified against current science standards at the
State Board of Education's evolution hearings. There was just one
problem: none of them had actually read the current science standards.
Could this situation be any more ridiculous? You've got a bunch
of people who want to dictate the way that science should be taught
to children, but they can't even be bothered to read the documents
involved. I mean, come on. What's next? The sun revolves around
the earth? Electricity is magic? Thunderstorms happen when God gets
angry? Someone should do a scientific study to find out if it's
possible for these folks to actually get any more ignorant.
Chimp: "If there's no such thing as
then how did I get to be President of the United States?"
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