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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 197)
May 9, 2005
Jesus Wept Edition
 Well
they've finally gone and done it... thanks to the actions of Chan
Chandler (1) the right-wing have now perverted Christianity to the
point where Democrats are no longer welcome in church. Jesus wept.
Elsewhere, Tom DeLay (2) is lecturing people on humility and responsibility
(really), the evidence that George W. Bush (3) lied America into
war is staring everyone in the face, and Don Sherwood (4) might
have choked his mistress. Meanwhile, Pat Robertson (6) has taken
the last train to Loonyville, Laura Bush (7) tells a story about
a horse's penis, and Kenneth Tomlinson (9) is seeing liberal bias
everywhere. Don't forget the key!
 Chan
Chandler 
The Rev. Chan Chandler made an interesting
move last week when he decided to cut his congregation in half
and rid himself of the sinners. Who are the sinners? Well according
to Chandler, they're anyone who voted for John Kerry in 2004. Chandler,
pastor of Waynesville NC Baptist Church, informed his congregation
that if they did not vote for Bush they needed to publicly repent
or leave his church forever, because he didn't want to be associated
with people like that. Well maybe they don't want to be associated
with you, Rev. Chandler. Apparently Chandler kicked nine
people out of the church - some who had attended for more than 30
years - while other members of the congregation stood up and
applauded. 40 more members of his congregation subsequently
walked out in protest. Oddly enough, Chandler had the audacity to
tell reporters that "the actions were not politically motivated."
Uh, what? You know, I'm not sure what warped version of Christianity
this is, where people are excluded and denounced for not voting
for a particular politician. But somehow I don't think Jesus would
approve.
 Tom
DeLay 
Stop the presses! Tom DeLay is no longer in any trouble. See,
last week he confessed
his sins to the 54th annual National Day of Prayer gathering
in Washington DC, so therefore the slate has been wiped clean and
he can go back to work as if nothing ever happened. And that work
now seems to include lecturing other people on the merits of humility
and responsibility, if you can believe that. "Just think
of what we could accomplish if we checked our pride at the door,
if collectively we all spent less time taking credit and more time
deserving it," he said, apparently with a straight face. "If we
spent less time ducking responsibility and more time welcoming it.
If we spent less time on our soapboxes and more time on our knees."
Uh, yeah, it would be... great. Are you actually going to do
any of that at any point, dumbass?
 George
W. Bush 
We mentioned this item in passing last week but it's surely
worth bringing up again - especially since most of the corporate
media seem too
scared to touch it. A secret British memo released last week
reveals that George W. Bush was bending intelligence reports
to fit his plan for invading Iraq, and also that the British and
American leaders had already decided to invade, even while they
were telling their governments and their public that they had not.
Yes, according
to Knight Ridder:
A highly classified British memo, leaked in the midst of Britain's
just-concluded election campaign, indicates that President Bush
decided to overthrow Iraqi President Saddam Hussein by summer
2002 and was determined to ensure that U.S. intelligence data
supported his policy.
The document, which summarizes a July 23, 2002, meeting of British
Prime Minister Tony Blair with his top security advisers, reports
on a visit to Washington by the head of Britain's MI-6 intelligence
service.
The visit took place while the Bush administration was still
declaring to the American public that no decision had been made
to go to war.
"There was a perceptible shift in attitude. Military action
was now seen as inevitable," the MI-6 chief said at the meeting,
according to the memo. "Bush wanted to remove Saddam through
military action, justified by the conjunction of terrorism and
WMD," weapons of mass destruction.
The memo said "the intelligence and facts were being
fixed around the policy."
So - lying to the American people? Lying to Congress? Sounds like
an impeachable offense to me. Or maybe not - I mean, sure he lied
to Congress, lied to the public, got us into a war which has killed
almost 1600
American soldiers so far and countless
thousands of innocent Iraqi civilians, is bankrupting
us with an unnecessary war and a military budget which will
soon total more than the entire
rest of the world combined, created thousands of new terrorists
and turned Iraq into a breeding
ground for more, and because of his lies and his policies, America
is decidedly less safe...
...but hey - at least he didn't get a blowjob, right?
 Don
Sherwood 
Republican Morality Watch, Case #217645: So it turns
out that Rep. Don Sherwood (R-Naturally) allegedly choked
a woman while giving her a backrub in his Washington apartment.
In case you were wondering - yes, Sherwood is married. He's been
denying any involvement with the woman, Cynthia Ore, for some time,
but that's not what she says - apparently they've been boinking
since he met her at a Young Republicans meeting in 1999. Now let's
be clear - there was no physical evidence of Sherwood choking Ore,
and the police report states that she "did not seem to be of
sound mind" when they showed up after she called 911. So which
is it, Republicans? You've got two choices: either a) your guy gets
a kick out of squeezing a bit too hard while he's rubbing his mistress
down, or b) he's innocent of the choking accusation, and has just
been cheating on his wife with a crazy woman for six years. Take
your pick. Oh, one more thing: family values family values family
values. Thanks.
 UT
Campus Police
Poor old Ann Coulter got heckled again during an appearance
at the University of Texas last week. To be honest I'm not sure
why she keeps showing up at these slimy liberal breeding grounds
just so she can stand there while her arch-enemies shout obscenities
at her. I dunno, maybe she's so full self-loathing that she has
to hang out with people who hate her more than she hates herself.
But anyway, UT student Ajai Raj asked Coulter this great
question: "You say that you believe in the sanctity of
marriage. How do you feel about marriages where the man does nothing
but fuck his wife up the ass?" Raj then retreated to his seat giving
Coulter the ol' jerk-off sign. Good question Mr. Raj, and, um, interestingly
put. But Raj was definitely not expecting to find himself arrested
for it - as he was leaving the auditorium, he was handcuffed by
campus police. Raj's arrest
report states that he "committed the offense of Disorderly
Conduct #1 and #2 (abusive, profane, and vulgar language and obscene
gesture - Class C misdemeanor)." So, uh, are we also going
to arrest fifty percent of the crowd attending every major league
baseball game this season? Just wondering.
Pat Robertson
For some reason the broadcast networks keep giving airtime to
the Radical Reverend Pat Robertson and his extremist viewpoints
- maybe they're hedging their bets just in case the Rapture happens.
But anyway, last week Pat gave another fabulously
fringe performance on This Week With George Stephanopoulos,
comparing judges to terrorists. And guess what? In Pat's world,
Al Qaeda comes out smelling like roses. When asked whether "judicial
activism" is more dangerous than Al Qaeda, Pat came up with
this response:
It depends on how you look at culture. If they look over the
course of 100 years, I think the gradual erosion of the consensus
that's held our country together is probably more serious than
a few bearded terrorists who fly into buildings. And I think we
have controlled Al Qaida. I think we'll get Osama bin Laden. We've
won in Afghanistan. We won in Iraq. And we can contain that. But
if there's an erosion at home, you know, Thomas Jefferson warned
about a tyranny of oligarchy. If we surrender our democracy to
the tyranny of oligarchy, we've made a terrible mistake.
My my. So upholding the rule of law is now "more serious"
than 9/11 is it? What a lunatic.
 Laura
Bush
At the recent White House Correspondents Dinner, Laura Bush
took to the stage and woke up the audience by telling a joke about
her husband masturbating a horse. What's that you say? Masturbating
a horse? That's right folks. Masturbating. A. Horse. Here's
the joke:
Andover and Yale don't have a real strong ranching program. But
I'm proud of George. He's learned a lot about ranching since that
first year when he tried to milk the horse. What's worse, it was
a male horse.
Wow, what a visual. The first lady's ribaldry even shocked Michelle
Malkin! Now, since I can't possibly come up with a take on this
which would be funnier than the inspired treatment The Daily Show
gave it last week, I'm just going to give you a link: click
here and prepare to die laughing. (Video courtesy of Crooks
And Liars.)
 Republican
Liars
Sure, it's five years too late, but this certainly deserves
a mention on the list. Remember when Al Gore was vilified by conservative
pundits, and subsequently the media, for claiming that he "invented
the Internet?" They sure had a good old chuckle about that
one. Here's the text of Gore's statement:
"During my service in the United States Congress, I took the
initiative in creating the Internet." Wow - that Al Gore sure
did like to tell tall tales, didn't he? Problem is, it was the conservative
media who were telling tall tales. On June 6th, Al Gore is set to
receive
the prestigious Webby Lifetime Achievement Award "in recognition
of the pivotal role he has played in the development of the internet
over the past three decades. Vint Cerf, widely credited as one of
the 'fathers of the internet,' will present Vice President Gore
with the award." So there you have it - Al Gore did
take the initiative in creating the Internet. Did he invent it?
No - but then he never said that, did he. That was the Republican
liars' own invention.
 Kenneth
Tomlinson
Kenneth Tomlinson, the new Republican chairman of PBS, has been
keen to root out alleged "liberal bias" on public television.
So he's gone to the most unbiased source he can find to get assistance:
the White House. Yup, it turns out that Tomlinson hired
the director of the White House Office of Global Communications
to help root out "liberal bias" at PBS, if you can believe
that. Gee, I wonder how much "liberal bias" they'll find?
I mean, for goodness sake, this is like putting Joe McCarthy in
a room full of people and telling him to find the Communist. The
next thing you know, they're all in handcuffs. Come on Mr.
Tomlinson - it's one thing to want PBS to be fair and balanced,
it's another thing to hire a Bush administration official to get
you there.
 George
W. Bush 
And finally, here's a little something that might explain why
Our Great Leader's Social Security plan isn't adding up: he's losing
his mind. During a discussion of Social Security at the recent Latino
Coalition Conference, George W. Bush introduced a stooge - I'm sorry,
a Republican gentleman - named Fidel Vargas, and proceeded to engage
him in some jovial
banter:
PRESIDENT MORON: I am honored to be joined by Fidel Vargas
today. Fidel is an interesting man. He's already been a - he's
36 and he's already been a mayor of a California city. Did a fine
job there.
You know, when I first got elected, I recognized that the Social
Security issue is going to be an issue that was going to require
some - some sound thought and reasoning. People needed to be coming
together to help think about this issue. And so I set up a commission.
Daniel Patrick Moynihan, the former Senator from New York, Democrat
Senator, was the chairman of it, and I asked Fidel to join.
And welcome, Fidel. Thanks for coming. He is a - well, you'll
see. He knows what he's talking about.
...
MR. VARGAS: And I'm a little embarrassed to say, but I
think I'll share with the President that the first time he ran,
I didn't vote for the President. So excuse me for that, sir. But
I'm sure -
PRESIDENT MORON: I understand a lot of other people didn't,
either.
...
PRESIDENT MORON: Great job, thanks for coming. The fact
that you went to Harvard bothers me more than the fact that you
didn't vote for me.
MR. VARGAS: We both went to HBS [Harvard Business School].
PRESIDENT MORON: That's right. I forgot that part. Good
job. Thanks for coming.
Well I guess they do say that if you can remember the 70s, you
weren't there. See you next week!
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