Democratic Underground

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 188)

February 28, 2005
Fourth Annual Oscar Special!

Yes, it's Oscar time again! This year's categories include Most Surreal use of Homophobic Propaganda, Worst Actor In A Leading Role, Best Defilement Of The Language Of Jefferson, and Biggest Bunch Of Morons. The nominations list is packed with a galaxy of stars including USA Next (1), George W. Bush (2), Jeff Gannon (4), The Traditional Values Coalition (5), and Arnold Schwarzenegger (7). Yes, it's the closest Arnie is ever going to get to owning a real Oscar. So come on in and enjoy the glitz and glamor that is Democratic Underground's Top 10 Conservative Idiots Fourth Annual Oscar Special! Don't forget the key...

1USA Next oscar winner lying homophobia
Most Surreal Use Of Homophobic Propaganda: During the last election conservatives realized that these days it doesn't matter how outrageous your lies are because the media won't bother explaining why you're a liar. Instead, in order to be "fair and balanced," the media will actually help out by giving your lies the old "some people say..." treatment. After all, the Corporate Media don't want to be accused of being liberal, do they? So any old bullshit from the right is now treated as if it's an alternate version of the truth. Exhibit A: the Swift Boat Veterans, and the fact that somehow - thanks, "liberal" media - a lot of people have gotten the idea that George W. Bush's Vietnam record was more honorable that John Kerry's. Which is the complete opposite of the truth. Pretty amazing, huh?

And if it worked against a presidential candidate, then it ought to work against millions of seniors. Meet USA Next, the latest group of conservatives who intend to change reality by relying on the media's lack of interest in the truth. Here's how it works: Our Great Leader has a problem with the AARP because they have a lot of influence over seniors, and if they think his Social Security plan is a crock of shit, he's going to have a hard time selling it. So he needs some way to demonize them. Now obviously he can't come out and say that the AARP wants to - I dunno, just off the top of my head - get rid of the military and replace it with hot man-on-man action. But here's the clever part: he doesn't need to, because USA Next will do it for him! Take a look at this ad that was spotted running on the American Spectator website last week:

Got that everyone? While the AARP is advising its members on the dangers of Bush's Social Security privatization scheme, USA Next informs us of the reeeeal AARP Agenda: to get rid of the military and replace it with hot man-on-man action. If I may slip into the Internet vernacular for a moment, WTF? I mean, talk about a non sequitur.

According to the New York Times, USA Next "has hired Chris LaCivita, an enthusiastic former marine who advised Swift Vets and P.O.W.'s for Truth, formerly known as Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, on its media campaign and helped write its potent commercials." The results, as you can see above, are fabulous. And Chris LaCivita isn't the only one - USA Next has either hired or is looking to hire several more people connected to the Swift Boat Veterans.

So as America attempts to have a serious debate on the future of Social Security, be on the lookout for more USA Next commercials over the coming weeks. Before you know it, the reeeeal AARP agenda will involve singing the praises of Osama bin Laden while dancing on the Ten Commandments.

2George W. Bush oscar winner excessive spin dumb
Best Attempt At Keeping A Straight Face Considering The Circumstances: Our Great Leader was on a European vacation last week, and what a jolly time he had! After deciding that spending most of his first term publicly scorning the French and Germans wasn't very good foreign policy, Bush tried to make nice by sucking up to Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroeder and, um, accidentally insulting NATO Secretary-General Jaap de Hoop Scheffer. Of course, having learned that invading a country without any international support doesn't often bring the best results, it did appear as if Bush was just trying to get the Yurpeans to help out with his next invasion. Not that there's going to be another invasion, let me make that clear! Why, Bush said just last week that it is "simply ridiculous" to think that the US might invade Iran. Five seconds later he followed up with, "Having said that, all options are on the table." Including the simply ridiculous options, apparently. Bush also took the time to visit with his old friend Vladimir "Pootie-Poot" Putin, where he had a bit of a rough time. During a press conference, an obviously confused Bush offered up this interesting statement: "I live in a transparent country. I live in a country where decisions made by government are wide open." Right... so you'll be telling us who was on the Energy Policy Task Force, then? Or why your administration finagled all that "evidence" about Iraq's WMD capabilites? Or who outed Valerie Plame? Or who was responsible for the Jeff Gannon scandal? Or... oh, forget it.

3Paul Celluci oscar winner massive ego dumb
Best Diplomacy: While Our Great Leader was gallivanting around Europe, his surrogates were doing their best to ruin relations with our old friend Canada. Last week Prime Minister Paul Martin announced that Canada would not be participating in Bush's wacky missile defense scheme, and doesn't want the US intruding willy-nilly into Canadian airspace. He said, "In terms of Canadian airspace, yes we would expect to be consulted. This is our airspace. We're a sovereign nation. And you don't intrude on a sovereign nation's airspace without seeking permission." Martin also said that his country's time and money would be better spent working with the US to improve border and coastal security. Step forward US ambassador to Canada Paul Celluci, who in a moment of what can only be described as imperial delusion stated that Martin's refusal to play Star Wars meant that Canada is "giving up its sovereignty." Giving up its sovereignty? Well then I guess we can just fire missiles over Canadian airspace without getting permission! Now that's what I call diplomacy...

4Jeff Gannon oscar winner lying lying
Worst Actor In A Leading Role: Remember those websites that Jeff Gannon never owned and never hosted? Well he's selling them. Yes, militaryescorts.com and militaryescortsm4m.com are on the market for a mere $7,500 each, and the infamous hotmilitarystud.com is going for a cool $15,000. But as John Aravosis from AmericaBlog points out... how is it that a website that was never hosted gets around 47,000 unique visitors a month?

Oh Jeff, you little tease. You've been telling fibs again haven't you? Incidentally, Gannon's eponymous website came back online last week. If you're a connoisseur of conservative history-rewriting you should swing by and check it out.

5The Traditional Values Coalition oscar winner homophobia homophobia homophobia
Biggest Bunch Of Morons: So the Traditional Values Coalition is now targeting Shrek as the latest in a long line of cartoon characters in league with the Gay Agenda. Why? Because apparently there's a character in Shrek 2 who is "a male-to-female transgender in transition and who expresses a sexual desire for Prince Charming" (voiced by, um, Larry King). And hang onto your hats - there's a gag about Pinocchio wearing women's underwear. I mean, really. But here's the worst part: according to CTV.ca, film studies professor Charles Keil notes that "the whole idea behind the Shrek movies is a general message of tolerance - that outward appearances don't matter and that it's what's underneath that counts." Which I imagine is the real panty-twister for the folks at the Tolerance Is Evil Coalition. I mean, honestly. Can we just agree right here and right now that these people have frickin' lost it? I just don't think I can take much more of this nonsense. In the immortal words of Popeye, "I've had all I can stand, I can't stands no more." Come to think of it, Popeye was probably gay too. I mean, you never actually saw him boning Olive Oyl, did you? I rest my case.

6The Bush Administration oscar winner excessive spin helping the terrorists
Best Special Effects: Three years ago, Afghanistan was the world's sixth-least developed country. That calculation was arrived at by means of a study which takes into account citizens' "personal security, welfare and ability to control their own lives," according to the Associated Press. But now, three years later, after the Bush adminstration's invasion, the removal of the Taliban, and the miracle of free elections, Afghanistan is... still the world's sixth-least developed country. To be fair, some progress is being made - millions of children are enrolling in school, and the economy is doing well. Unfortunately, according to the AP, "most of the country's income is being mopped up by warlords with strong political and military connections, creating a dangerous gap between rich and poor and between the cities and the countryside." Oh, and the US invasion of Afghanistan helped produce a climate of "fear, intimidation, terror and lawlessness." In fact, the United Nations has warned that "a nation that became a haven for international terrorists could fail again unless more is done to improve the lives of its long-suffering citizens." Why is this especially relevant now? Well, those of you who read last week's Idiots will recall that the Bush Administration is sending none other than Rush Limbaugh to Afghanistan in order to "get people to pay attention to all the good things we are doing." I wrote last week that "the fact that they've asked Limbaugh makes me even less confident that things are going well in Afghanistan." Five minutes later, this UN report comes out. Conicidence? I think not.

7Arnold Schwarzenegger oscar winner hypocrisy hypocrisy hypocrisy
Best Role-Model: Do as I say, not as I do! Do as I say, not as I do! Sing it with me, brothers and sisters, and you too can be a top conservative role-model! Last week it was revealed that Gov. Groping Austrian Beefcake has "no regrets" about his past steroid use. "I have no regrets about it, because at that time, it was something new that came on the market," he said, "and we went to the doctor and did it under doctors' supervision." But here's the odd part: according to the Associated Press, Schwarzenegger said "he would not encourage drug use because it sent the wrong message to children." So wouldn't it have been more sensible to say that he did regret taking steroids? I'm confused. Because it seems to me that he's saying, "Don't do this thing. It's bad. Yes, I did it when I was young, and no, I don't have any regrets about doing it, but you shouldn't do it. Because its bad." I mean, come on. Talk about mixed messages.

8Charles W. Carrico oscar winner unconstitutional unconstitutional religious nut
Best Defilement Of The Language Of Jefferson: Funny - big government is an anathema to conservatives, until those same conservatives need big government to stomp all over everyone else. Virginia delegate Charles W. Carrico recently introduced an amendment which would write the "people's right to pray and to recognize their religious beliefs, heritage and traditions on public property, including public schools," into the Virginia Constitution. Why? Because "he believes Christians are being silenced and persecuted" according to the Washington Post. Never mind that fact that 80% or so of Americans identify themselves as Christian. Never mind that it's already legal - and in fact protected by the US Constitution and the US Supreme Court - to pray in Virginia's public schools. Mr. Carrico's amendment is simply an attempt use big government to enforce a particular faith on everybody, which is downright unconstitutional. It will probably come as no surprise for you to learn that, according to the Post, Carrico's amendment will "rewrite the Founding Fathers," "defile the language of Jefferson," and "combines arrogance and irresponsibility." What's up with conservatives wanting to tear up the Constitution whenever they feel like it?

9 Tony Blair oscar winner dumb
Stupidest Sound Bite: Last week the British prime minister made this mind-blowingly dumb comment: there is "no greater civil liberty than to live free from terrorist attack." Okay... so then explain this: why is the United States in the top five countries most likely to be hit by a terrorist attack, and North Korea is the least likely country to be hit by a terrorist attack? I'm not making this up - it comes from a report by the World Markets Research Center. So if I'm following his logic correctly, Tony Blair thinks that North Korea has the greatest civil liberties in the world. You know, somehow I don't think that's right. Unless of course Blair believes his statement to be true - bear in mind that he made the comment while trying to sell a new civil-liberties-reducing terrorism bill to the British parliament. So to clarify - when your country has become so insular and the government is so oppressive that terrorist attacks become impossible, you'll have the greatest civil liberties on the planet. I think I can hear George Orwell writhing in his grave.

10Bill Cadman oscar winner shocked, shocked I tell ya
Best Example Of Republican Morals And Values: And finally, allow me to set the scene... Val Vigil, a Democratic state representative from Colorado, introduced a bill last week that would "allow the family of a soldier killed in action to use military license plates," according to the Rocky Mountain News. He was apparently trying to "do a favor for the family members of Lance Cpl. Thomas Slocum, 22, of Thornton, who was killed March 23 near An Nasiriyah in Iraq." But the bill was altered in committee - family members could use special plates, but not the same ones as active military members or veterans. So Val Vigil offered up an amendment on the floor of the Colorado House to, as he put it, correct the oversight. With me so far? Here's where it gets interesting. After Vigil introduced the amendment, Bill Cadman (R-Colorado Springs) shouted that it was "garbage." Vigil replied that Cadman should know garbage. So then Cadman shouted, "If you try that again, I'll ram my fist up your ass."

You know, I think I'm going to have to skip the punchline on this one. When a Republican state representative threatens to ram his fist up the ass of a Democratic colleague on the floor of the state house, I just get a bit lost for words. See you next week!

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