The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
February 7, 2005
State Of The Obvious Edition
the State of the Union Address. Could it have been any more boring?
So George W. Bush (1,3) is going to screw the planet... all right,
all right, we get it already! Still, at least he didn't turn
up pretending that he was actually an Iraqi, like some Shameless
Morons (2). Meanwhile, the American Taliban, represented this week
by Melissa Fryrear (5) and Donald Wildmon (10) are still on the
warpath, Right-Wing Sex Machines (7) are turning out libidinous
teenagers, and Judy Woodruff (8) can just kiss my ass. Welcome to
this week's thrilling romp through the forest of dumb. Don't forget
It's official - George W. Bush's presidency has jumped the shark.
He successfully enacted his first term domestic agenda by introducing
budget-crushing tax cuts for the rich, under-funded his own big-government
programs for education and homeland security, and he's successfully
lined the pockets of his corporate cronies while cutting benefits
to veterans, seniors, and the poor. On the foreign front, Osama's
still missing and there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq,
but hey, they did have an election. Unfortunately now that the election's
over all we have to look forward to is several more years of flag-draped
coffins trickling into Dover Air Force Base. So where does Bush
go from here? Don't worry - if you missed his State
of the Union Address last week you didn't miss much. There's
going to be further raping of social programs, more money given
to the super-wealthy, and the bells of freedom will soon be ringing
in another yet-to-be-determined middle-eastern dictatorship. Blah
blah blah. Let's face it - George's second term has only been going
for five minutes, and it's already a bust. In fact, the State of
the Union was so boring, many attendees were caught on camera trying
to hail taxis to get them the hell out of there.
I'm joking of course. The Republicans in the photo above aren't
trying to hail taxis, they're showing solidarity with the Iraqi
people by putting blue ink on their fingers, just like Iraqi voters
did last week. Of course, since everyone agrees that it's a good
thing the Iraqi people voted, and since the Republicans didn't pass
the ink pad around to their Democratic colleagues, what this actually
is is a particularly lame-ass partisan photo-op, and a tacky one
at that. It's also interesting that these Congressional Republicans
are expressing their admiration for the democratic process since
none of them are allowed to vote for anything other than the president's
policies. But come on... it was a mere two years ago that George
W. Bush stood in this very spot and declared
that Iraq had "biological weapons materials sufficient to produce
over 25,000 liters of anthrax; enough doses to kill several million
people," "materials sufficient to produce more than 38,000
liters of botulinum toxin; enough to subject millions of people
to death by respiratory failure," "the materials to produce
as much as 500 tons of sarin, mustard and VX nerve agent,"
"several mobile biological weapons labs," and of course,
"an advanced nuclear weapons development program." So
we shat our pants, invaded Iraq, wasted $300 billion (and counting),
sacrificed 1400 of our soldiers (and counting), and found... nothing.
Don't worry though - the Republicans have got blue fingers. Way
to go! We've replaced a weak secular dictatorship with a violence-stricken
Islamic theocracy! Uh........ yay?
The funny thing about getting your way all the time - something
Our Great Leader is clearly used to - is that eventually you start
acting like an arrogant, hubristic asshole. Some say that George
W. Bush has been like this ever since he was given his first oil
company; others say that he was born that way. But whatever - the
upcoming battle over Social Security demonstrates that maybe, just
maybe, even George W. Bush can go too far. Yes, Dubya's new plan
for Social Security is a real wonder to behold - if you're a Wall
Street fatcat, since that's who's going to be getting the real benefit
from the plan. Speaking of benefits, did you know that Bush's new
plan cuts guaranteed Social Security benefits by up to 40%?
Talk about burning down the village in order to save it. Worried
about the national debt? The plan increases the debt by $4.5 trillion.
Are you listening, fiscal conservatives? Not only that, but Bush
is selling this whole thing by lying about the current state of
Social Security, declaring
during the State of the Union Address that, "By the year 2042,
the entire system would be exhausted and bankrupt." Lies,
lies, damnable lies - that the Democrats rightly jeered.
Alberto "Torture Boy" Gonzalez was approved by the Senate
last week after a few stray Democratic senators apparently decided
that electrified nipples make for good foreign policy. The Republicans,
as mentioned previously, voted for Gonzalez in lockstep. But as
with the Condoleezza Rice nomination, some Republicans were more
than happy to throw the race card on the table in an attempt to
cow their opponents. Orrin Hatch, a member of the Senate Judiciary
Committee ominously said
that "Every Hispanic-American in the country is watching."
The implication was clear: Never mind the torture, Alberto Gonzalez
should become the next Attorney General because he is Hispanic.
And if you don't vote for him, you're a racist. You know, it
always cracks me up when Republicans try to pull this, considering
that they've spent decades doing everything they can to crush the
hopes and dreams of minorities. Actually it doesn't crack me up.
It makes me want to vomit. Unfortunately Hatch's "every Hispanic-American"
didn't appear to include the Hispanic Caucus, who refused
to endorse Gonzalez. Oh well.
We noted last week that one prominent member of the American Taliban
(the Family Research Council) employ a "homosexual detection
expert," presumably for the purposes of rooting out evil-doers
who belongs to the Axis of Tolerance (see Idiots 184).
That's because "tolerance," according to the FRC, is a
code word for creeping homosexuality. And creeping homosexuality
is not to be ignored. Why, before you know it, homosexuality could
be creeping down your chimney. But terrified heteros,
take note: "tolerance" isn't the only word on the fundies'
no-no list. Check
out Focus on the Family "gender issues analyst" and
alleged "former lesbian" Melissa Fryrear: "'Love' is one
of the Trojan horses for the acceptance of homosexuality ... Gay
activists are trying to find an argument that carries emotional
weight: 'love,' after all, sounds good to everyone. The problem,
though, is their definition of 'love' is carefully camouflaged to
mean more than Cupid ever meant it to mean. Their definition is
meant to mean the acceptance and the celebration of homosexuality."
So let me get this straight... somehow the Christian right have
gotten themselves into a situation where "tolerance" and
"love" are now words that must not be spoken? How peculiar.
To be fair though, I must admit that I've always wondered whether
Jesus really meant it when he said "love thy neighbor,"
or whether he was secretly advertising a big gay gangbang at the
house next door.
Of course you're all familiar with the ridiculous costs of the recent
presidential inauguration - the most expensive in history - which
took place in Washington a couple weeks ago (if not, see Idiots
181). The theme of the inauguration was "celebrate
the troops," so lets take a look at how they were celebrated, shall
we? Rebecca Lawson of West Babylon, NY, told
MSNBC that her son attended the inauguration - because he was
ordered to. When he got there, "He said there was no food provided
for them, so they ate after the event at some fast-food restaurant
... He stayed at a local military base with the rest of the group,
but they made him pay for the room." Huh. The White House spent
$40 million on the inauguration, and they couldn't even feed or
house the soldiers who were ordered to attend? Humbug.
Abstinence-only education programs have become increasingly popular
since Born-Again Bush and the American Taliban came to power. Now,
obviously there's something to be said for teaching teenagers that
it might not be a bad idea to wait before having sex - provided,
of course, that teenagers receive full and proper sex education
without any of this "I don't know if HIV is transmissible via
sweat or tears" rubbish. (Yes, Dr. Bill Frist, I'm
looking at you.) But here's the thing about abstinence-only
programs. According to Reuters, a recent
study shows that the programs proposed by George W. Bush "have
had no impact on teenagers' behavior in his home state of Texas."
Had no impact? Actually, that's a bit misleading. It turns out that
teenagers taking part in abstinence-only programs actually increased
their sexual activity. "The study showed about 23 percent of
ninth-grade girls, typically 13 to 14 years old, had sex before
receiving abstinence education. After taking the course, 29 percent
of the girls in the same group said they had had sex. Boys in the
tenth grade, about 14 to 15 years old, showed a more marked increase,
from 24 percent to 39 percent, after receiving abstinence education."
So there you have it. Abstinence-only programs are actually sex
factories. But I think I've got a solution! Since abstinence-only
programs don't work, perhaps we could just make it so that women
have to cover up every single piece of skin before they leave the
house, and that way men won't find them attractive, and won't want
to have sex with them at all. Like this:
What do you think, conservatives? Worth a try?
Hi-jinks were the order of the day at a recent Bush event in Fargo,
ND, when Karl Rove grabbed
the microphone of CNN's John King and proceeded to do a little
"reporting" of his own. "The president is making
an incredible presentation to the audience here in Fargo, North
Dakota," said Rove. "The crowd has received an overwhelming
- his reform message of Social Security. The crowd broke into a
strong applause when the president attacked the mainstream media..."
King interrupted, "It's not bad. I'd keep your day job, but
that's not bad." Not bad? How dare you, Mr. King! "I'd
say more than not bad," gushed Judy Woodruff, back in the studio.
"I think we're ready to hire Karl Rove right now. We'll start
- we'll make the phone call right after the show." You know,
I don't know what's worse... the idea that Karl Rove's spin is so
similar to CNN's regular reporting that Judy Woodruff can't tell
the difference, or Woodruff assuming CNN can employ someone they
already work for.
The Bush Administration
It's Payola Pie time again! (See Idiots 184.)
Yes, it was revealed last week that yet another arm of the Bush
administration has been caught making "inappropriate payments"
to journalists. This time it's the Pentagon, who have apparently
been "paying journalists to write articles and commentary for
a Web site aimed at influencing public opinion in the Balkans,"
to the Associated Press. As well as the propaganda puff pieces,
the website carries AP and Reuters articles to give it an air of
credibility. Don't worry though, apparently "The Pentagon's
inspector general, Joseph Schmitz, is reviewing that case and also
looking more broadly at Pentagon activities that might involve inappropriate
payments to journalists." So you can bet that this will be
all sorted out real soon.
And finally, it seems you can't go anywhere on the web these days
without being confronted by all manner of unsightly visions. In
a recent video
sent to members of the American Family Association, Chairman Donald
Wildmon expressed his concerns: "Recently, while searching
the web for information on SpongeBob..." (Can you see where
this is going? Let's continue.) "...I clicked on a supposedly
SpongeBob site only to have hardcore pornography pop up." Now,
to be clear, Mr. Wildmon isn't blaming SpongeBob for hardcore pornography
(although he does mention them in the same breath) but rather blaming
the Justice Department for not doing enough to crack down on dirty
pictures which apparently pop up when you search for innocent cartoon
characters. So I decided to test Mr. Wildmon's claims. Running a
simple pop-up blocker which comes standard with most browsers/ISPs
these days, I did a search for "SpongeBob" on Google with
SafeSearch turned off. I ignored any results from mainstream media
sources, and clicked on everything else. I gave up on page 17, when,
sadly, no hardcore pornography had appeared on my screen. I repeated
the test with "Sponge Bob." Again, no porn, unless this
is some kind of kinky cry for help:
In fact, the closest I could get to hardcore pornography was a
Google image search for "Sponge Boob," but that was probably
stretching it a bit. So where did the mysterious hardcore pornography
come from? The only conclusions I can draw are that either Mr. Wildmon
got confused and accidentally typed "hardcore pornography"
into Google, or he's spent a bit too much time "researching"
said hardcore pornography and has picked up some nasty spyware which
is serving ads to his desktop. I fear we may never know... See you
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