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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 185)

February 7, 2005
State Of The Obvious Edition

Ah, the State of the Union Address. Could it have been any more boring? So George W. Bush (1,3) is going to screw the planet... all right, all right, we get it already! Still, at least he didn't turn up pretending that he was actually an Iraqi, like some Shameless Morons (2). Meanwhile, the American Taliban, represented this week by Melissa Fryrear (5) and Donald Wildmon (10) are still on the warpath, Right-Wing Sex Machines (7) are turning out libidinous teenagers, and Judy Woodruff (8) can just kiss my ass. Welcome to this week's thrilling romp through the forest of dumb. Don't forget the key!

1George W. Bush excessive spin fiscal irresponsibility screwing the poor warmongering
It's official - George W. Bush's presidency has jumped the shark. He successfully enacted his first term domestic agenda by introducing budget-crushing tax cuts for the rich, under-funded his own big-government programs for education and homeland security, and he's successfully lined the pockets of his corporate cronies while cutting benefits to veterans, seniors, and the poor. On the foreign front, Osama's still missing and there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, but hey, they did have an election. Unfortunately now that the election's over all we have to look forward to is several more years of flag-draped coffins trickling into Dover Air Force Base. So where does Bush go from here? Don't worry - if you missed his State of the Union Address last week you didn't miss much. There's going to be further raping of social programs, more money given to the super-wealthy, and the bells of freedom will soon be ringing in another yet-to-be-determined middle-eastern dictatorship. Blah blah blah. Let's face it - George's second term has only been going for five minutes, and it's already a bust. In fact, the State of the Union was so boring, many attendees were caught on camera trying to hail taxis to get them the hell out of there.

2Shameless Morons photo-opping hypocrisy
I'm joking of course. The Republicans in the photo above aren't trying to hail taxis, they're showing solidarity with the Iraqi people by putting blue ink on their fingers, just like Iraqi voters did last week. Of course, since everyone agrees that it's a good thing the Iraqi people voted, and since the Republicans didn't pass the ink pad around to their Democratic colleagues, what this actually is is a particularly lame-ass partisan photo-op, and a tacky one at that. It's also interesting that these Congressional Republicans are expressing their admiration for the democratic process since none of them are allowed to vote for anything other than the president's policies. But come on... it was a mere two years ago that George W. Bush stood in this very spot and declared that Iraq had "biological weapons materials sufficient to produce over 25,000 liters of anthrax; enough doses to kill several million people," "materials sufficient to produce more than 38,000 liters of botulinum toxin; enough to subject millions of people to death by respiratory failure," "the materials to produce as much as 500 tons of sarin, mustard and VX nerve agent," "several mobile biological weapons labs," and of course, "an advanced nuclear weapons development program." So we shat our pants, invaded Iraq, wasted $300 billion (and counting), sacrificed 1400 of our soldiers (and counting), and found... nothing. Don't worry though - the Republicans have got blue fingers. Way to go! We've replaced a weak secular dictatorship with a violence-stricken Islamic theocracy! Uh........ yay?

3George W. Bush screwing the poor screwing the poor screwing the poor fiscal irresponsibility
The funny thing about getting your way all the time - something Our Great Leader is clearly used to - is that eventually you start acting like an arrogant, hubristic asshole. Some say that George W. Bush has been like this ever since he was given his first oil company; others say that he was born that way. But whatever - the upcoming battle over Social Security demonstrates that maybe, just maybe, even George W. Bush can go too far. Yes, Dubya's new plan for Social Security is a real wonder to behold - if you're a Wall Street fatcat, since that's who's going to be getting the real benefit from the plan. Speaking of benefits, did you know that Bush's new plan cuts guaranteed Social Security benefits by up to 40%? Talk about burning down the village in order to save it. Worried about the national debt? The plan increases the debt by $4.5 trillion. Are you listening, fiscal conservatives? Not only that, but Bush is selling this whole thing by lying about the current state of Social Security, declaring during the State of the Union Address that, "By the year 2042, the entire system would be exhausted and bankrupt." Lies, lies, damnable lies - that the Democrats rightly jeered.

4Orrin Hatch racism excessive spin
Alberto "Torture Boy" Gonzalez was approved by the Senate last week after a few stray Democratic senators apparently decided that electrified nipples make for good foreign policy. The Republicans, as mentioned previously, voted for Gonzalez in lockstep. But as with the Condoleezza Rice nomination, some Republicans were more than happy to throw the race card on the table in an attempt to cow their opponents. Orrin Hatch, a member of the Senate Judiciary Committee ominously said that "Every Hispanic-American in the country is watching." The implication was clear: Never mind the torture, Alberto Gonzalez should become the next Attorney General because he is Hispanic. And if you don't vote for him, you're a racist. You know, it always cracks me up when Republicans try to pull this, considering that they've spent decades doing everything they can to crush the hopes and dreams of minorities. Actually it doesn't crack me up. It makes me want to vomit. Unfortunately Hatch's "every Hispanic-American" didn't appear to include the Hispanic Caucus, who refused to endorse Gonzalez. Oh well.

5Melissa Fryrear homophobia homophobia dumb
We noted last week that one prominent member of the American Taliban (the Family Research Council) employ a "homosexual detection expert," presumably for the purposes of rooting out evil-doers who belongs to the Axis of Tolerance (see Idiots 184). That's because "tolerance," according to the FRC, is a code word for creeping homosexuality. And creeping homosexuality is not to be ignored. Why, before you know it, homosexuality could be creeping down your chimney. But terrified heteros, take note: "tolerance" isn't the only word on the fundies' no-no list. Check out Focus on the Family "gender issues analyst" and alleged "former lesbian" Melissa Fryrear: "'Love' is one of the Trojan horses for the acceptance of homosexuality ... Gay activists are trying to find an argument that carries emotional weight: 'love,' after all, sounds good to everyone. The problem, though, is their definition of 'love' is carefully camouflaged to mean more than Cupid ever meant it to mean. Their definition is meant to mean the acceptance and the celebration of homosexuality." So let me get this straight... somehow the Christian right have gotten themselves into a situation where "tolerance" and "love" are now words that must not be spoken? How peculiar. To be fair though, I must admit that I've always wondered whether Jesus really meant it when he said "love thy neighbor," or whether he was secretly advertising a big gay gangbang at the house next door.

6The White House hypocrisy hypocrisy hypocrisy hypocrisy hypocrisy
Of course you're all familiar with the ridiculous costs of the recent presidential inauguration - the most expensive in history - which took place in Washington a couple weeks ago (if not, see Idiots 181). The theme of the inauguration was "celebrate the troops," so lets take a look at how they were celebrated, shall we? Rebecca Lawson of West Babylon, NY, told MSNBC that her son attended the inauguration - because he was ordered to. When he got there, "He said there was no food provided for them, so they ate after the event at some fast-food restaurant ... He stayed at a local military base with the rest of the group, but they made him pay for the room." Huh. The White House spent $40 million on the inauguration, and they couldn't even feed or house the soldiers who were ordered to attend? Humbug.

7Right-wing Sex Machines religious nut religious nut misogyny
Abstinence-only education programs have become increasingly popular since Born-Again Bush and the American Taliban came to power. Now, obviously there's something to be said for teaching teenagers that it might not be a bad idea to wait before having sex - provided, of course, that teenagers receive full and proper sex education without any of this "I don't know if HIV is transmissible via sweat or tears" rubbish. (Yes, Dr. Bill Frist, I'm looking at you.) But here's the thing about abstinence-only programs. According to Reuters, a recent study shows that the programs proposed by George W. Bush "have had no impact on teenagers' behavior in his home state of Texas." Had no impact? Actually, that's a bit misleading. It turns out that teenagers taking part in abstinence-only programs actually increased their sexual activity. "The study showed about 23 percent of ninth-grade girls, typically 13 to 14 years old, had sex before receiving abstinence education. After taking the course, 29 percent of the girls in the same group said they had had sex. Boys in the tenth grade, about 14 to 15 years old, showed a more marked increase, from 24 percent to 39 percent, after receiving abstinence education." So there you have it. Abstinence-only programs are actually sex factories. But I think I've got a solution! Since abstinence-only programs don't work, perhaps we could just make it so that women have to cover up every single piece of skin before they leave the house, and that way men won't find them attractive, and won't want to have sex with them at all. Like this:

What do you think, conservatives? Worth a try?

8Judy Woodruff partisanship partisanship partisanship partisanship
Hi-jinks were the order of the day at a recent Bush event in Fargo, ND, when Karl Rove grabbed the microphone of CNN's John King and proceeded to do a little "reporting" of his own. "The president is making an incredible presentation to the audience here in Fargo, North Dakota," said Rove. "The crowd has received an overwhelming - his reform message of Social Security. The crowd broke into a strong applause when the president attacked the mainstream media..." King interrupted, "It's not bad. I'd keep your day job, but that's not bad." Not bad? How dare you, Mr. King! "I'd say more than not bad," gushed Judy Woodruff, back in the studio. "I think we're ready to hire Karl Rove right now. We'll start - we'll make the phone call right after the show." You know, I don't know what's worse... the idea that Karl Rove's spin is so similar to CNN's regular reporting that Judy Woodruff can't tell the difference, or Woodruff assuming CNN can employ someone they already work for.

9 The Bush Administration quid pro quo
It's Payola Pie time again! (See Idiots 184.) Yes, it was revealed last week that yet another arm of the Bush administration has been caught making "inappropriate payments" to journalists. This time it's the Pentagon, who have apparently been "paying journalists to write articles and commentary for a Web site aimed at influencing public opinion in the Balkans," according to the Associated Press. As well as the propaganda puff pieces, the website carries AP and Reuters articles to give it an air of credibility. Don't worry though, apparently "The Pentagon's inspector general, Joseph Schmitz, is reviewing that case and also looking more broadly at Pentagon activities that might involve inappropriate payments to journalists." So you can bet that this will be all sorted out real soon.

10Donald Wildmon dumb dumb
And finally, it seems you can't go anywhere on the web these days without being confronted by all manner of unsightly visions. In a recent video sent to members of the American Family Association, Chairman Donald Wildmon expressed his concerns: "Recently, while searching the web for information on SpongeBob..." (Can you see where this is going? Let's continue.) "...I clicked on a supposedly SpongeBob site only to have hardcore pornography pop up." Now, to be clear, Mr. Wildmon isn't blaming SpongeBob for hardcore pornography (although he does mention them in the same breath) but rather blaming the Justice Department for not doing enough to crack down on dirty pictures which apparently pop up when you search for innocent cartoon characters. So I decided to test Mr. Wildmon's claims. Running a simple pop-up blocker which comes standard with most browsers/ISPs these days, I did a search for "SpongeBob" on Google with SafeSearch turned off. I ignored any results from mainstream media sources, and clicked on everything else. I gave up on page 17, when, sadly, no hardcore pornography had appeared on my screen. I repeated the test with "Sponge Bob." Again, no porn, unless this is some kind of kinky cry for help:

In fact, the closest I could get to hardcore pornography was a Google image search for "Sponge Boob," but that was probably stretching it a bit. So where did the mysterious hardcore pornography come from? The only conclusions I can draw are that either Mr. Wildmon got confused and accidentally typed "hardcore pornography" into Google, or he's spent a bit too much time "researching" said hardcore pornography and has picked up some nasty spyware which is serving ads to his desktop. I fear we may never know... See you next week!

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