The Top Ten Conservative
Idiots (No. 142)
February 9, 2004
Boobs Aplenty Edition
If you thought Janet Jackson's publicity stunt at the Super Bowl was shocking, wait till you see some of the reactions to it (1, 10). But believe it or not, there were other news stories last week - take our best buds Pakistan, for example, who have been running a nuclear flea market (2), not to mention George Tenet's claim that hey, the CIA never said Iraq was a threat (3). Meanwhile the Valerie Plame investigation is getting ever closer to Dick Cheney (4) and George W. Bush has been comparing himself to Winston Churchill (5). Elsewhere, Bill O'Reilly is combating violence in the media by announcing that he wants to kill his critics (7), Halliburton are screwing everybody (8), and the Boy Scouts South Florida Council have hired just the right guy to promote the values of ethical behavior (9). Enjoy, and as usual, don't forget the key!
who are blowing the Super Bowl half-time show way out of proportion
Okay, it's quite understandable that many people were shocked by Janet Jackson's Super Bowl publicity stunt (and if you don't know what I'm talking about, you must be living under a rock). But some of the reactions have been so over the top that you might think it was a matter of national security or something. The FCC immediately promised an investigation; the House Energy and Commerce Committee and the Senate Commerce Committee will be considering obscenity bills this month to crack down on exactly this kind of naughty breast-baring behavior. Thanks for getting to work so quickly on this pressing issue, guys! We're glad to hear that our leaders can leap into action at a moment's notice to investigate such pressing issues of national importance. Meanwhile, after a lot of hemming and hawing, George W. Bush announced last week that he would be giving the 9/11 Commission a little extra time to complete their work (after he initially blocked the investigation for over a year). And not only that but Bush - after first opposing the idea - has agreed to hold an "independent" investigation into the intelligence failures that prompted him to invade Iraq for no apparent reason. "Independent" means, of course, that he'll be picking all the investigators himself. Investigators like John McCain, who was last seen, uh, stumping for Bush in New Hampshire. So you can be sure that it won't be a whitewash or anything. I guess the moral of the story is: exposing a boob at the Super Bowl - bad. Exposing a boob at the White House - worse. By the way, Bush didn't see the infamous breast incident because, just like his administration on 9/11, he was asleep.
If you accept the Bush administration's version of the War on Terror, everything is crystal clear. Iraq and al Qaeda teamed up to destroy the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001. We invaded Iraq because Saddam Hussein was in possession of vast stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction, including, according to Dick Cheney, "reconstituted nuclear weapons." And the Bush Doctrine states that we will deal harshly with any country suspected of dealing with terrorist nations. As Our Great Leader himself stated in his address to Congress shortly after 9/11, "We will starve terrorists of funding, turn them one against another, drive them from place to place, until there is no refuge or no rest. And we will pursue nations that provide aid or safe haven to terrorism. Every nation, in every region, now has a decision to make. Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists." So that's their version. Now if, on the other hand, you think that the Bush administration is full of shit, you'll find the War on Terror about as confusing as Justin Timberlake's "wardrobe malfunction" statement. It's common knowledge (if you don't listen to Sean Hannity) that 15 of the 19 9/11 terrorists were nationals of our great friend and ally Saudi Arabia. Funny, I don't remember us invading them. And now comes the staggering news that our other great friend and ally Pakistan has been selling nuclear weapons technology to Iran and North Korea - and continued to sell them after 9/11 when they were supposed to be helping us stop this sort of thing. So what's the Bush administration doing about this? Tune in next week when we invade Syria!
Don't blame any of this on the Bush Administration though - according to former weapons inspector David Kay (and friends) they were all the victims of a cruel hoax by the CIA. So George Tenet gave a speech last week defending the CIA's pre-war intelligence. "They never said there was an 'imminent' threat," Tenet said. Oh, right. Well, let's take a look at Exhibit A shall we?
So the CIA never said that there was an imminent threat, but Tenet was perfectly happy to sit there behind Colin Powell while he waffled on about unmanned drones and mobile weapons labs in front of the United Nations? How bizarre. So if the CIA never said there was an imminent threat, and that was somehow translated into, "Year after year, Saddam Hussein has gone to elaborate lengths, spent enormous sums, taken great risks to build and keep weapons of mass destruction...The world has waited 12 years for Iraq to disarm. America will not accept a serious and mounting threat to our country..." (George W. Bush, 2003 State of the Union Address), and leaving aside George Tenet's willingness to sit there like a tool while Colin Powell made an ass out of everyone, where did all that information about Iraq's WMDs come from? Sounds like a job for the Office of Special Plans...
Looks like the Plame investigation is starting to dig up some dirt - last week it was revealed that Justice Department officials "developed hard evidence of possible criminal misconduct by two employees of Vice President Dick Cheney's office related to the unlawful exposure of a CIA officer's identity last year." Apparently the current probe is focusing on John Hannah, a senior national security aide to Dick Cheney, and Lewis "Scooter" Libby, Cheney's chief of staff, who originally made it onto the list way back in Idiots 8. "We believe that Hannah was the major player in this," said FBI officials - apparently there is a "real possibility of doing jail time." One really has to wonder how far up the ladder this whole thing goes. And when I say "up the ladder," I of course mean "down the ladder" right into Cheney's bunker.
Clearly determined to write himself a place in the history books which doesn't involve being remembered as the guy who lied us into war and then bankrupted America, Bush was out and about comparing himself to Winston Churchill recently. "In some ways, our current struggles or challenges are similar to those Churchill knew," Bush said in a speech at the Library of Congress last week. You know, he could be right. I remember when Winston Churchill invaded Poland because he convinced everyone that they were harboring terrorists and might unleash their weapons of mass destruction at any minute. Oh, wait a minute...
Who Are Shocked, Shocked I Tell Ya
After spending the last couple of months telling the country that Democrats are angry people whose policies are based on, uh, anger, and ooh, look at them, aren't they angry, the Republican Party has suddenly burst a collective bloodvessel over renewed claims that George W. Bush might not have been where he was supposed to be during the Vietnam War. Sparks have been seen flying out of the ears of GOP stooges at the very idea that America's brave, courageous commander-in-chief may in fact be a shirking, smirking deserter. There are no records of Bush's attendance at an Alabama National Guard unit for a period of about 18 months, which is proof to Republicans that he was in fact there all the time. And now they're hopping mad that anyone would dare to question the man who once proudly defended the skies of Texas from the Viet Cong right up until he was grounded for failing to show up at a routine medical exam. Didn't you see him land on that aircraft carrier in his nice little flight suit? And you can't argue with this point - he received an honorable discharge! And everyone knows they don't give dishonorable discharges to men whose dads are Republican congressmen, Ambassadors to the United Nations, and Chairmen of the Republican National Committee. Uh, I mean, they don't give dishonorable discharges to men who served their country for the entire time they were supposed to. RNC chairman Ed Gillespie appeared on CNN last week and demonstrated how cool and laid back Republicans are compared to angry Democrats by ranting and raving about DNC chairman Terry McAuliffe, calling him, "the John Wilkes Booth of presidential character assassination." So George W. Bush is Winston Churchill and Honest Abe? In your dreams, Gillespie!
Is it possible for Bill "Wholly Without Merit" O'Reilly to conduct an interview where he doesn't talk about himself? Actually, no, it isn't. Bill consistently loses the constant struggles with his ego and inevitably ends up talking to his guests about the rotten people who make personal attacks and say horrible things about him. Those meanies. Take for example this interview with Rudy Giuliani (scroll to FNC Interviews and click America's Mayor to see the video) where Bill ends up discussing left-wing scoundrels like Michael Moore who go around disparaging brave, honorable conservatives. So how is O'Reilly going to deal with this? Since I'm sure most of you won't be able to stand watching ten minutes of Bill sticking his tongue between Giuliani's buttcheeks, I'll tell you. "I want to kill Michael Moore" he told Rudy. Funny really - Bill O'Reilly is on a permanent crusade to prove that polite society is being destroyed by a violent media, and then he decides to inform the nation that the best way to deal with someone with whom he disagrees is to kill them. Oh the irony. One can only speculate on how Bill would like to kill Michael Moore. A bullet between his head, perhaps? Tsk tsk, Mr. O'Reilly. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
We noted last week that Halliburton aren't exactly living up to the claims of their brand new commercial which touts their commitment to rebuilding Iraq and supporting our troops. Commitment to making a fat profit more like. But it seems that Halliburton has gotten itself into yet more hot water - first, according to the Associated Press, "The US Justice Department is investigating whether Halliburton Co. was involved in 180 million dollars in kickbacks paid to obtain contracts to build a natural gas plant in Nigeria when Vice President Dick Cheney was chairman of the company." Hmm. Second, according to Reuters, "Halliburton Co., under close scrutiny for its work in Iraq, has promised to pay $27.4 million to the U.S. military to cover potential overbilling for meals served to troops, the Pentagon said on Tuesday." Hmmmm. And third, according to a soldier formerly stationed in Iraq, "I am extremely mad that Halliburton and Bechtel have better equipment than our own troops do. The contractors have fully armored Hummers and the best body armor. They have us escort them in our lightly armored Humvees and they ride in heavily armored vehicles. That is bullshit and every American needs to know about it. It's been in the paper recently about how bad the casualties have been from the older Hummers. Our vehicles don't provide adequate protection, and that is a fucking outrage that needs to be fixed." So thanks, Halliburton, for doing such a great job not looking after our troops while you're screwing them and the American taxpayer. Kudos to you.
The Boy Scouts
South Florida Council
If you head over to the Boy Scouts website you'll find that they stand for good, wholesome activities designed to instill young men with proper values and ethics (no gays allowed). Check out the Boy Scouts Law for example: a Scout must be trustworthy, obedient, loyal, cheerful, helpful, thrifty, friendly, brave, courteous, clean, kind, and reverent. Which is why you might be scratching your head to learn that the Boy Scouts South Florida Council has asked Oliver North to be the keynote speaker at its upcoming fundraiser. Yup, there's a guy who can really teach impressionable young men about values and ethics. Making the understatement of the year, Norman Silber, President of the South Florida Council, said, "Who among us has not had mistakes in our lives, made mistakes in judgment?" True, true. But on the other hand, who among us has been convicted for lying to Congress about secretly selling weapons to a terrorist nation in order to illegally fund other terrorists? But not to worry because, as Norman also says, "The Boy Scouts of America does not have a political agenda." Just as well, eh, or they'd look like a real bunch of chumps!
who are blowing the Super Bowl half-time show way out of proportion (Redux)
And finally, here's the second part of People who are blowing the Super Bowl half-time show way out of proportion. Last week Terri Carlin of Knoxville, TN, filed a proposed class action lawsuit against Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake for causing her to "suffer outrage, anger, embarrassment and serious injury." Serious injury? Did her eyes pop out or something? Carlin is asking for - get this - billions of dollars in "compensatory and punitive damages." So I guess to answer the questions of all those pundits who asked last week "Can it get any lower than this?" is a resounding yes. Let's just clarify - Carlin was able to sit through several hours of dogs biting men in the nuts, horses lighting people on fire with their farts, disgraceful stereotypes of women, vampires, werewolves, the quality of Mike Ditka's erection, oh, not to mention several dozen men inflicting grievous bodily harm upon one another - but a quick flash of boob caused her enough "serious injury" to sue for billions of dollars? Good grief - I mean, George W. Bush has caused me to suffer outrage, anger and embarrassment, not to mention serious injury (that time I punched the wall during one of his press conferences) but you don't see me suing him for billions of dollars. Hang on... that gives me an idea. See you next week!