The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
October 25, 2004
Crying Wolf Edition
With just one week to go until election day, the froth is flying
fast and furious from the mouths of Republican operatives. Last
week Team Bush (1) launched an ad accusing John Kerry of... I dunno,
something to do with wolves. Meanwhile, realizing that Halloween
is just around the corner, Dick Cheney (2) was trying even harder
to scare people than usual. Elsewhere, Condi Rice and Tom Ridge
(3) are slacking, George W. Bush (4,5,7) is receiving mixed messages,
and Tom DeLay (8) is getting nervous. Bringing up the rear are Alan
Keyes (9), who is, well, just nuts, and Randal Wagner, sign-thief
extraordinaire. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!
With just eight days to go until the election, George W. Bush and
friends are launching a last-ditch attempt to keep their greasy
paws on the key to the White House. You'd think that after four
years in power they'd have something positive to run on,
but sadly that doesn't seem to be the case. So instead they're relying
on that old stand-by: scaring the crap out of the American people.
Funny thing is, they even seem to be losing their touch at that.
Last week Team Bush released a new TV ad called "Wolves,"
which is pretty much a direct rip-off of a Reagan ad from 1984 called
In the "Wolves" ad a sequence of quick shots of a forest
are accompanied by a husky female voice-over warning us that "even
after the first terrorist attack on America, John Kerry and the
liberals in Congress voted to slash America's intelligence operations."
Then the ad cuts to the aforementioned wolves which start moving
towards the camera in a supposedly threatening manner.
Sorry, Team Bush, but this is just laughable. Leaving aside the
fact that the statement "even after the first terrorist attack
on America, John Kerry and the liberals in Congress voted to slash
America's intelligence operations," is a complete
and utter distortion of reality, I'm afraid those wolves just
ain't scary. TV commercials for "He's a Lady" are scary.
A bunch of confused doggies aren't.
I mean, seriously, watch the ad and check out the pooch second
from the right. He looks like he just spotted a rabbit. Come on,
Team Bush - you can do better than that. At least give the wolves
turbans and beards or something.
But hey, the Republicans aren't just peddling fear, no sirree!
Why, Team Bush also has a positive, optimistic message about America's
future. And the perfect spokesman for this message is of course
Laura Bush, who was out on the stump last week lauding
her husband's policies.
"Our economy is growing," said Laura. "We're closing
the achievement gap in our schools, and America is safer and stronger
thanks to the President's decisive leadership." See? America
is safer and stronger thanks to the President's decisive leadership!
That must be why Dick Cheney said this
"The biggest threat we face now as a nation is the possibility
of terrorists ending up in the middle of one of our cities with
deadlier weapons than have ever before been used against us - biological
agents or a nuclear weapon or a chemical weapon of some kind to
be able to threaten the lives of hundreds of thousands of Americans."
So to sum up... George W. Bush has made America safer, and now
all we have to worry about is a massive nuclear attack in the middle
of one of our cities killing hundreds of thousands of citizens.
Talk about "mixed messages."
Rice and Tom Ridge
So if Dick Cheney is so concerned about "terrorists ending
up in the middle of one of our cities with deadlier weapons than
have ever before been used against us," what are National Security
Adviser Condoleezza Rice and Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge doing
these days? Busying themselves with collecting vital information
about al Qaeda? Hunting down and killing terrorists? No, silly -
they're out campaigning for George W. Bush!
Yes, you'd think that in this day and age these two very important
people would be in Washington working on ways to keep us safe from
the "wolves" - but no, they're wending
their way through various swing states telling us, um, how much
safer we are. Condi Rice was in Pittsburgh last week informing
voters that we're killing al Qaeda leaders, stopping the spread
of WMDs, and that freedom is on the march in Iraq. The Pittsburgh
Post-Gazette had this to say:
"Pittsburghers appreciate Ms. Rice's coming here, even this
late in the game. What was disappointing was that her presentation
was so partisan and out of touch with the reality of the world.
If she actually believes what she said Thursday, it is frightening
to think she is the president's chief national security adviser."
Meanwhile Tom Ridge has apparently made three-fifths of his recent
"official" trips to battleground states, which is surely
just a coincidence. "We don't do politics in the Department
of Homeland Security," he sniffed. That must be why, according
to the UK Guardian, Department of Homeland Security Officials
have done "four events in hotly contested Iowa, but only two
in New Jersey, where neither candidate is aggressively competing.
The financial sector in New Jersey is under a heightened terror
alert." Guess they know something about Iowa that we don't.
Pat Robertson appeared on CNN's Paula Zahn Now recently and gave
us all an interesting insight into the administration's lack of
post-war planning in Iraq. Robertson said that he warned George
W. Bush of casualties before the invasion, and Bush blew
"I mean he was just sitting there like, 'I'm on top of the
world,'" said Robertson, "And I warned him about this
war. I had deep misgivings about this war, deep misgivings. And
I was trying to say, 'Mr. President, you had better prepare the
American people for casualties.'" Robertson said Bush then
told him, "'Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties.'"
Not going to have any casualties? Let me get this straight.
God told Pat Robertson that the war in Iraq would cause heavy American
casualties. But it appears that God told George W. Bush the complete
opposite. You have to feel a bit sorry for fundamentalists -
considering how easily confused they already are, their heads must
be exploding after these comments.
The White House, for their part, said, "The president never
made such a comment." Right. And the president never said there
were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
Newspaper endorsements continue to roll in, and at the time of writing
John Kerry has been endorsed
by 117 newspapers - including the New York Times, the
Kansas City Star, and the Oregonian. George W. Bush,
on the other hand, has picked up just 71 endorsements - including
the Moonie Times, the Bumblefuck Star-Journal, and
the Mobile Daily Cowpie.
But there's good news for Our Great Leader - despite lagging in
the number of newspaper endorsements, and being dumped by almost
30 newspapers which touted him in 2000, he recently picked up the
mother of all endorsements. Yes, last week George W. Bush was given
the nod by terrorist sympathizer and proud member of the Axis
of Evil, Iran.
"We haven't seen anything good from Democrats," grumbled
Hasan Rowhani, head of the Supreme National Security Council. "We
should not forget that most sanctions and economic pressures were
imposed on Iran during the time of Clinton. And we should not forget
that during Bush's era - despite his hard-line and baseless rhetoric
against Iran - he didn't take, in practical terms, any dangerous
action against Iran ... We do not desire to see Democrats take over."
Mohsen Mofidi, an Iranian political analyst, said getting rid of
the Taliban and Saddam Hussein has done wonders for Iran. "The
experience of two wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, and the responsibility
Bush had, will make it a very remote possibility for him to risk
attacking a much bigger and more powerful country like Iran."
He added, "Democrats usually insist on human rights and they
will have more excuses to pressure Iran."
You'll have to excuse me - I'm laughing so hard my ass just fell
The GOP is clearly worried that they can't beat Kerry at the polls,
so they've decided to simply try and stop Kerry voters from getting
to the polls in the first place; the proof is found in various stories
this week reporting vote suppression by Republican operatives. We
made brief note last week of a scam in Nevada where a GOP-funded
firm allegedly tore up Democratic voter registrations - turns out
that firm has also been operating in Oregon.
But Nevada and Oregon aren't the only places where the GOP are
doing everything they can to make life more difficult for voters.
to Philly.com, "Republican operatives working to re-elect
President Bush submitted last-minute requests in Philadelphia on
Friday to relocate 63 polling places ... Of the 63 requests for
changes, 53 are in political divisions where the population of white
voters is less than 10 percent." Fortunately the GOP failed
in this blatant attempt at suppressing the vote.
PA, however, officials "successfully moved 21 polling places
over both citizen and Democratic objections. The GOP had just grabbed
a 2-1 majority on the county's board of commissioners ... opponents
say the relocated voting spots will affect as many as 10,000 voters,
and they fear that as many as 10 percent, or 1,000, might be thwarted
by the moves."
Mexico, electronic voting machines have been recording a vote
for John Kerry as a vote for George W. Bush. Early voter Kim Griffith
"went to Valle Del Norte Community Center in Albuquerque, planning
to vote for John Kerry. 'I pushed his name, but a green check mark
appeared before President Bush's name,' she said."
anonymous callers have been contacting elderly voters and falsely
telling them that their polling places have been changed.
in Ohio, officials "took formal steps yesterday to place
thousands of recruits inside polling places on Election Day to challenge
the qualifications of voters they suspect are not eligible to cast
ballots ... Republicans said they had enlisted 3,600 by the deadline,
many in heavily Democratic urban neighborhoods of Cleveland, Dayton
and other cities. Each recruit was to be paid $100." Republican
James P. Trakas said, "The organized left's efforts to, quote
unquote, register voters - I call them ringers - have created these
So what does this tell us about the Republican party? Simply, if
they fear one thing above all others, it's the will of the people.
Last week six second cousins of Our Great Leader launched
a website called "Bush Relatives for Kerry" with this
impassioned plea: "Please, don't vote for our cousin!"
- headed with the slogan, "Because blood is thinner than oil!"
- states, "As the election approaches, we feel it is our responsibility
to speak out about why we are voting for John Kerry, and to do our
small part to help America heal from the sickness it has suffered
since George Bush was appointed President in 2000."
So if you're worried about George W. Bush carrying Florida, Ohio,
or Pennsylvania, consider the fact that he can't even carry his
Could The Hammer be on the verge of taking his final swing? With
his Democratic challenger Richard Morrison gaining in the polls
and in the face of multiple ethics complaints Tom Delay has realized
that he's actually in a race, and has started running TV ads and
opened a campaign office in Clear Lake.
to the Houston Chronicle, "In recent weeks, the
House ethics committee admonished Delay for offering a political
favor to a fellow Republican lawmaker if he voted for a Medicare
prescription drug bill; for perceived links of political donations
to legislation; and for asking federal aviation officials to help
search for Democratic Texas state representatives who fled Austin
last year during the redistricting fight."
That last complaint has now generated a civil lawsuit in which
Tom Delay was last week subpoenaed
Of course, Delay has taken full personal responsibility for his
ethics violations, saying last week, "I've never had a campaign
where the entire nation has tried to destroy my name ... They are
going after me in the most personal and vindictive way. It's gutter
Oh, wait, I'm sorry. He didn't take personal responsibility at
all. He just whined about his opponents and blamed other people.
Well, I guess if it's good enough for the president, it's good enough
for the House majority leader.
With the polls showing him about 45 points behind Barak Obama, there's
not long to go before Alan Keyes becomes nothing more than an unpleasant
memory in the minds of Illinois voters. We'll be sorry to see Alan
go because he's provided us with such great material these last
few months - but fortunately it looks like he's got some left in
Last week Alan told
a campaign rally (in attendance: two homeless people, three passers-by,
and a stray dog) that incest was "inevitable" for children
raised by gay couples. "If we do not know who the mother is,
who the father is, without knowing all the brothers and sisters,
incest becomes inevitable," he said.
But... doesn't this means that incest is inevitable for any
adopted child, whether their parents are gay or straight? And considering
Alan's extreme pro-life views, does this mean that he now thinks
adoption should be outlawed? What's he going to do with all the
But don't confuse yourself thinking trying to figure this out,
there's actually a very simple explanation: Alan Keyes is a homophobic
nutcase who'll literally say anything to slam gays.
In related news, Ohio's Secretary of State Kenneth Blackwell last
gays to farm animals, saying, "I don't know how many of you
have a farming background but I can tell you right now that notion
even defies barnyard logic ... the barnyard knows better."
And in case you were wondering, Lynne Cheney had no comment about
either of these incidents. Where's the outrage, Lynne?
And finally, if Republicans can't even steal signs properly, how
can we trust them to run the country? Randal Wagner is a Republican
sign-thief from Wheat Ridge, Colorado, and clearly he needs a bit
Wagner was already under
suspicion of stealing campaign signs but wasn't caught until
he took a sign from a local business and proceeded to run for it,
getting as far as a low chain blocking off the driveway which he
tripped over, landing on his face, and knocking himself unconscious.
Police found him sleeping peacefully on top of the stolen sign -
and then discovered two dozen stolen signs in the back of his pickup
He was treated for cuts and bruises, and then charged with theft,
trespassing, criminal tampering, and disorderly conduct. Maybe the
Bush administration will be able to bail him out - he sounds like
he'd be a perfect addition to their post-election legal team. See
you next week!
The Top Ten Conservative Idiots
list is back on the radio! The Air America Radio Network's
of Fire show is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo Conservatives"
- excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+ year radio veteran
Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast markets from the
Midwest to the west coast including an overseas hitch in Wellington,
New Zealand, and most of his radio experience was spent as
a morning show personality. He is currently employed by a
local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a local,
state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal roots went
down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota state
DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest in
politics and the Democratic philosophy and history." You can
drop him a line at DeanRandall1@aol.com.
Note: You can now link directly
to a Top Ten item by adding "#" plus the number
of the item to the URL. So if you wish to point someone directly
to, for example, number 6 on this week's list, add "#6"
to the end of the URL so it looks like this:
Nominate a Conservative
for Next Week's List