The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
September 20, 2004
Don't Worry About It! Edition
seems that Our Great Leader's favorite phrase, "strong, steady
leadership," is actually code for "a a totally pigheaded
unwillingness to look facts in the face." While Iraq continues
to descend into violence, the economy falters, and Osama bin Laden
remains on the loose, Bush's pledges to "stay the course"
are somewhat confusing. And it says something about the state of
the media that people are actually thinking that "staying the
course" is a viable option. In fact, things are getting so
bad in Iraq that George W. Bush (1) had to lie last week about reinstating
the draft. Meanwhile, The Bush Administration (2,3,6) is reeling
from recent reports on weapons of mass destruction and bin Laden.
Elsewhere, Donald Rumsfeld (5) said last week that we can do what
we want to the rest of the world as long as it doesn't involve beheading
people on TV, and the RNC is telling people that Democrats will
ban the Bible if John Kerry is elected. Don't forget the key...
Last week Our Great Leader didn't exactly rule out a military
draft if he gets another four years. What he actually
said, at a campaign event, was, "no, we don't need a draft.
What we need to do is - don't worry about it." Got that, everyone?
Don't worry about it! Just like the rest of the nightmare Iraq has
become - don't worry about it! Bush went on: "What we need
to do is to make sure our troops are well-paid, and well-housed,
and well-equipped." Alternatively, he could do
what he's doing to the 3rd Brigade Combat Team from Fort Carson
who said last week that they were told to re-enlist for three more
years - or be transferred to Iraq. "They said if you refuse to re-enlist
with the 3rd Brigade, we'll send you down to the 3rd Armored Cavalry
Regiment, which is going to Iraq for a year, and you can stay with
them, or we'll send you to Korea, or to Fort Riley (in Kansas) where
they're going to Iraq," said one of the soldiers. So much for the
"volunteer military," eh? You know, perhaps Bush is right
- who needs a draft when they can press soldiers back into service
simply by threatening them? Don't worry about it! Oh, and pay no
attention to this
document, which definitely does not indicate that the Pentagon
is planning a draft.
to the Associated Press, "Drafts of a report from the top
U.S. inspector in Iraq conclude there were no weapons stockpiles,
but say there are signs the fallen Iraqi President Saddam Hussein
had dormant programs he hoped to revive at a later time, according
to people familiar with the findings." This was all part of
a 1,500-page report released last week by the head of the Iraq Survey
Group, Charles Duelfer. Yes, it's yet more proof that Iraq wasn't
an imminent threat after all - whoops! However, while Iraq wasn't
an imminent threat then, it's sure as hell an imminent threat
now. From a recent National
Intelligence Estimate stating that the best-case scenario at
this point is an Iraq whose "political, economic and security
stability would remain tenuous" (worst-case scenario: all-out
civil war), to the apparently new tactic of blowing
up journalists while they're reporting live on air, the situation
in Iraq is far from rosy. Even Republicans like Senate Foreign Relations
Committee Chairman Dick Lugar (R-Ind) are criticizing
Bush's policy in Iraq: "Our committee heard blindly optimistic
people from the administration prior to the war and people outside
the administration what I call the 'dancing in the street crowd'
that we just simply will be greeted with open arms," he said.
"The nonsense of all of that is apparent. The lack of planning
is apparent." But hey, Our Great Leader is in charge so...
don't worry about it!
Meanwhile, as combat rages across Iraq and American soldiers die
at a rate of three
a day, the Bush Administration is falling down on the job when
it comes to catching the guy who the "war on terror" is
supposed to be all about. Osama bin Laden is still at large,
and, barring a special Karl Rove October Surprise, is likely to
remain that way - that is, according to experienced CIA counterterrorism
officer Michael Scheuer. Last week Scheuer sent a letter to Congress
claiming that "the headquarters unit assigned to bin Laden
has fewer experienced case officers now than on Sept. 11, 2001."
Don't worry about it! In related news, George W. Bush has nominated
Porter Goss to be the new head of the CIA. According
to CBS News, "Last October, explaining why he did not want
to launch an investigation of a White House official's possibly
illegal leaking of a CIA officer's name to the press, Goss made
reference to the Clinton impeachment saga. 'Somebody sends me a
blue dress and some DNA, I'll have an investigation,' Goss said."
Yes, Porter Goss sure seems like a man you can trust to take national
security seriously and who will definitely not use it as some kind
of partisan weapon to hammer Democrats with. Don't worry about it!
You have to feel sorry for Phil Parlock. I mean, the guy was just
trying to exercise his First Amendment rights at a John Kerry campaign
event, and he was viciously attacked by Democratic thugs. They even
made his daughter cry!
"They just pounced on us," said Phil Parlock, "She
was crying; they were pushing and shoving her." My God - will
those evil Democrats stop at nothing? John Kerry must hate children!
Actually, it looks like it's Phil Parlock who hates children - see,
this isn't the first time Mr. Parlock has made it into the papers
after being "pounced on" at a Democratic rally. After
he and his 12-year-old son Louis smuggled Bush signs into an Al
Gore event back in 2000, Louis apparently hoisted a girl onto his
to the Charleston Daily Mail, "'She walked up and
said 'I'll get on your shoulders and hold a sign,' " Louis
said. While she was sitting on Louis' shoulders waving a Bush-Cheney
sign, a man who identified himself as a volunteer for the Gore campaign
tried to pull the sign out of the girl's hands, Parlock said. He
pulled so hard that Louis and the girl fell over. 'That sounds like
an exaggeration,' said Sarah Feinberg, spokeswoman for Gore's West
Virginia campaign." And - would you believe it - Parlock was
a victim of nasty liberals at a Clinton campaign event back in 1996
as well! Again, according
to the Charleston Daily Mail, "The Huntington man
said he was knocked to the ground by a Clinton supporter when he
tried to display a sign that read 'Remember Vince Foster' ... 'It
must have been a strict Democrat who did this,' Parlock said."
Yup, our Phil certainly has a habit of complaining to the media
about Democratic "thuggery." Kinda makes you wonder why
he took his young daughter to the event last week. But then, once
you realize that Parlock appears to have a relationship
with the photographer that snapped the above pic, and that the man
wearing the union shirt holding the ripped up sign looks suspiciously
of his sons, and that Parlock even happened to be around when
his local Republican party headquarters were shot
at by a unknown assailant ...well, it just kinda makes you think.
Funny how our Phil always seems to end up in the wrong place at
the wrong time - with the media in tow.
We have an exciting new standard for American foreign policy! In
recent weeks various reports have been released revealing the scope
of prisoner abuse and torture in Iraq. According to one, "there
have been about 300 allegations of prisoners killed, raped, beaten
and subjected to other mistreatment at military prisons in Iraq,
Afghanistan and Guantanamo Bay since the start of the war on terror."
According to another, "commanding officers and their staffs
at various levels failed in their duties and that such failure contributed
directly or indirectly to detainee abuse." But don't worry
about it! See, here's
what Donald Rumsfeld had to say about the torture scandals last
week: "Has it been harmful to our country? Yes. Is it something
that has to be corrected? Yes. Does it rank up there with chopping
off someone's head off on television? It doesn't." And there
you have it, folks. As long as something isn't as bad as chopping
off someone's head on television, we can do it. Talk about lowering
As the Associated Press reported
last week, "The Bush administration wants to trim the Federal
Aviation Administration's budget for buying new air traffic control
equipment at a time when more planes are in the air." In related
news, "Federal aviation officials plan to send a team to
the Palmdale air traffic control center to investigate why a technician
failed to perform required maintenance on a radio communications
system, causing it to crash Tuesday and snarl flights across the
country. The shutdown, which lasted more than three hours, led to
at least five instances in which planes came too close to one another
and caused about 800 flights in and out of Southern California's
airports to be canceled, delayed or diverted." Don't worry
Just when you thought the craze for buying the largest vehicles
with the world's worst gas mileage was dying out, along comes Navistar
with their bid for the king-size SUV crown. Meet
the Navistar CXT - 21 1/2 feet long, and 9 feet tall.
Man, I didn't know they made penises that small! The truck
is built from the same platform as Navistar's cement mixer, and
will cost $93,000 to $115,000 fully loaded. In case you were wondering,
it gets 6-10 miles per gallon of diesel. But with pipelines back
to normal and operating at 200% capacity in Iraq, all I can
say to people who are worried about conservation is: don't worry
about it! A Navistar spokesperson said, "We can see it as a
vehicle for business people who want to make a distinct impression.
For personal use, it's for people who want to make a statement."
Yes, as long as that statement is, "Look at me! I'm a fucking
We've obviously noted previously that the GOP will do or say absolutely
anything to get Bush elected, but this story from last week really
takes the cake. According
to the Associated Press, "Campaign mail with a return address
of the Republican National Committee warns West Virginia voters
that the Bible will be prohibited and men will marry men if liberals
win in November." That's right - the mailing apparently shows
a picture of a Bible with the word "BANNED" written across
it. RNC Chairman Ed Gillespie didn't even bother to deny it, saying,
"it could be the work of the RNC." What next? RNC mailings
suggesting that liberals eat children? Don't bet against it...
Philadelphia Parking Authority
And when they're not trying to scare people into voting Republican,
they're threatening them with their jobs. We close this week with
two such stories, the first of which involves employees of the Republican-controlled
Philadelphia Parking Authority who were told last week that if they
didn't contribute to the Republican party, they'd be fired. According
to ABC News in Philadelphia, "Five employees said they
were pressured on the job to contribute $275 per year ... 'It's
extortion,'said Michael J. Vecchione ... Vecchione, 38, said he
had been on the job about a month when his supervisor asked him
to buy a $100 ticket to the Republican City Committee's fall dinner.
'I told her, 'I'm not really a political person.' Then she told
me, 'You should understand, this is a patronage job and you have
to buy three tickets a year.' At that time, I refused to pay, but
two days later another supervisor came up and said I was still under
probation. If I didn't buy the tickets they could fire me."
The Parking Authority described Vecchione as a "disgruntled
employee." Hell, I'd be disgruntled if I was forced to donate
to the GOP or lose my job.
And finally, if you look up "Bushbot Assmunch" in the
dictionary, you'll find a picture of Phil Geddes, owner of cellulose
insulation company Enviromate in Moulton, AL. Not only does Geddes
put flyers in with his employees paychecks explaining that they
owe their jobs to George W. Bush's tax cuts, he fired
one of his workers last week because she had a Kerry bumper
sticker on her car. The fired employee, Lynne Gobbell, said, "We
were going back to work from break, and my manager told me that
Phil said to remove the sticker off my car or I was fired. I told
him that Phil couldn't tell me who to vote for. He said, 'Go tell
him.'" So Gobbell went to Geddes's office. "Phil and another
man who works there were there. I asked him if he said to remove
the sticker and he said, 'Yes, I did.' I told him he couldn't tell
me who to vote for. When I told him that, he told me, 'I own this
place.' I told him he still couldn't tell me who to vote for." Shortly
afterwards, Gobbell's manager came to tell her she was fired, saying
of Geddes, "You could either work for him or John Kerry."
But believe it or not, this story does have a happy ending. When
John Kerry heard about the incident, he hired
Gobbell to work on his campaign - and now she has an office
at the DNC headquarters in Decatur, makes the same salary as her
previous job, and gets full benefits. See you next week!
The Top Ten Conservative Idiots
list is back on the radio! The Air America Radio Network's
of Fire show is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo Conservatives"
- excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+ year radio veteran
Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast markets from the
Midwest to the west coast including an overseas hitch in Wellington,
New Zealand, and most of his radio experience was spent as
a morning show personality. He is currently employed by a
local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a local,
state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal roots went
down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota state
DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest in
politics and the Democratic philosophy and history." You can
drop him a line at DeanRandall1@aol.com.
Note: You can now link directly
to a Top Ten item by adding "#" plus the number
of the item to the URL. So if you wish to point someone directly
to, for example, number 6 on this week's list, add "#6"
to the end of the URL so it looks like this:
Nominate a Conservative
for Next Week's List