The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 166)

August 16, 2004
Keyes To Victory Edition

Thank God for Alan Keyes! (1) The Illinois Senate race was starting to look a little boring there for a minute - at least we now have a Republican candidate we can laugh at all the way to November. But the GOP's desperation in Illinois appears to be extending to the rest of the country. Check out George W. Bush's (2) latest tax flip-flop, the Bush Administration's (3) dastardly politicization of the War on Terror, and Rodney Alexander's (4) cowardly party-switch. Yes, the smell of despondency is really stinking up the Republican party this week. Donald Rumsfeld (6) thinks all is well in Iraq, Katherine Harris (7) is making stuff up - again - and Dick Cheney (9) is slamming John Kerry for the exact same thing George W. Bush said. Oh boy. Enjoy, and as usual, don't forget the key!

Alan Keyes
So Fox News contributor and former lunatic presidential candidate Alan Keyes formally accepted the Republican nomination to run for Senate in Illinois last week, and will now go head to head against Barack Obama in November. Despite his name recognition, Keyes is currently slumping despondently in the polls with a mere 28%. Although possibly he's slumping because of his name recognition, we're not sure. Anyway, the funny thing is that the Illinois Republican party is so desperate they had to find someone who doesn't even live in Illinois to represent them. That's right - Alan Keyes lives in Maryland, has never lived in Illinois, and has to move there in order to run. But wait a second, I hear you cry! You can't criticize Alan Keyes for that! What about Hillary Clinton moving to New York to run for a Senate seat in that state? Ah, indeed. You're absolutely right. We can't criticize Alan Keyes' carpetbagging because Hillary did the same thing. However, we can criticize Alan Keyes for straight up talking out of his ass. Because when Hillary ran for Senate in 2000, Mr. Keyes said, "I deeply resent the destruction of federalism represented by Hillary Clinton's willingness to go into a state she doesn't even live in and pretend to represent people there. So I certainly wouldn't imitate it." Oh, hypocrisy, thy name is Alan.

George W. Bush
Can you smell the desperation? Our Great Leader, having discovered that he's lagging John Kerry on almost every issue from the economy to healthcare, is apparently starting to crack. Terrorism is currently Bush's strongest issue - hence the frequent pant-crap-inducing terror alerts - and that's pretty much it. So Bush has resorted instead to having his proxies conduct disgusting smear campaigns against his opponent (Swift Boat Veterans for "Truth") and, well, simply making up new issues. Last week Bush floated the possibility of - get this - abolishing income tax and introducing a national sales tax. "It's an interesting idea," Bush said. "You know, I'm not exactly sure how big the national sales tax is going to have to be, but it's the kind of interesting idea that we ought to explore seriously." Well that's just GREAT! What an exciting election-time issue! And so well-thought out and well-presented! Tell you what George, why don't you just release an ad announcing that anyone who votes for you gets a free trip to Bali, contraceptives supplied? Jiminy Christmas. Still, if there's one thing you can say about George W. Bush, it's that he doesn't flip-flop. Which is why, three days later, the Associated Press reported that "President Bush is distancing himself from suggestions that he wants to replace the federal income tax with a national sales tax ... The administration quickly denied the president was seriously considering such a tax." Nice going, Dubya.

The Bush Administration
Here's an idea: if Bush's best issue is the war on terror, perhaps his administration should stop helping the terrorists. Reuters recently reported that security experts were "shocked" when administration officials outed Mohammad Naeem Noor Khan as an al Qaeda mole during the recent Orange Alert scare. "The whole thing smacks of either incompetence or worse," said Jane's Defense security expert Tim Ripley. "You have to ask: what are they doing compromising a deep mole within al Qaeda, when it's so difficult to get these guys in there in the first place? It goes against all the rules of counter-espionage, counter-terrorism, running agents and so forth. It's not exactly cloak and dagger undercover work if it's on the front pages every time there's a development, is it?" No, it isn't - but it's par for the course for Team Bush. First they blew the cover of CIA agent Valerie Plame, now they're outing valuable intelligence assets working undercover within al Qaeda - and all to get a political leg-up in this year's election. Is anyone feeling safer yet?

Rodney Alexander
Rodney Alexander was elected to the position of Louisiana's 5th District Representative as a Democrat in 2002, but he recently announced that he would be running for re-election as a Republican. "The Democratic Party invites you under its umbrella, but if you don't agree with everything then you're not welcome," Alexander said. "They pushed me out from under the umbrella." Boo frickin hoo. Of course, this had nothing to do with a) the district being very conservative and turning Republican would lock it up for Alexander, and b) rumors that Alexander was bribed by senior Republicans with a seat on the House Appropriations Committee if he switched parties. Now there's principles for you! Alexander qualified to run as a Democrat Wednesday August 4, and then switched parties two days later, qualifying as a Republican on Friday August 6. After making the switch he said, "President Bush just welcomed me aboard and said he was looking forward to working with us to help both the district and the country become stronger." But I thought that guy hated flip-floppers! Guess not.

George W. Bush
Last week was quite a week for Bushisms and Bush antics (see Idiots 165) - so much so that we missed a couple of them in the previous Top 10. But we wouldn't want to let you down, so here they are. At the UNITY Journalists of Color Convention (the same Convention where Bush invented TSAIEWDNBIFSWHTUTAAWTTTSTCOTFW) Our Great Leader was asked, "What do you think tribal sovereignty means in the 21st century?" He responded, "Tribal sovereignty means that, it's sovereign. You're a - you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And, therefore, the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities." Jeez, George, don't be so shy. Just say, "I'm sorry - I don't have a goddamn clue what you're talking about." Secondly, at the same event, Dubya surprised everyone by announcing that he was against "legacy admissions" - that is, colleges using family history as a determining factor in who they accept. Which is a little bizarre when you consider that as a famously-proud C-student Dubya got into Yale because of his daddy and granddaddy. Of course, he was just saying all this so that he could criticize affirmative action without having his legacy admission thrown back in his face. Even though, according to Dubya himself, he is not opposed to affirmative action. Or is he? Who the hell knows? I'm sorry, his gibberish is really starting to fry my brain.

Donald Rumsfeld
Disappearing Donald put in a rare appearance at a press conference last week, announcing that he is "absolutely convinced that the 25 million people of Iraq have a good crack at succeeding and building a bright future." And why's that? Because, according to Rumsfeld, "The Iraqi people are free and are moving towards an election for the first time in decades." But wait - that's not all! Rumsfeld gave some sound examples of how everything is going swimmingly in Iraq: 1) They've started a stock market, 2) they've got a symphony orchestra, and 3) they've got an Olympic team - which, according to Rumsfeld is, "quite a thing if one thinks about it." Indeed. Meanwhile, thousands of US troops went on an all-out attack in Najaf last week. "Major operations to destroy the militia have begun," said US Marine Major David Holahan, executive officer of the 1st Battalion, 4th Marines Regiment. Funny, I thought major combat operations ended on May 1, 2003. Sounds to me like Donald has found some "good crack" of his own.

Katherine Harris
Here's another story that slipped through the net last week. It seems that our favorite ex-Secretary of State/election thief Katherine Harris is now an expert on national security. Or is she? Harris said recently that she "regrets" claiming there was a plot to blow up a power grid in Indiana after it was revealed she was making it up. At a rally for George W. Bush, Harris told the audience that the mayor of Carmel, Indiana, had informed her that "a man of Middle Eastern heritage had been arrested and hundreds of pounds of explosives were found in his home," according to the Associated Press. "He had plans to blow up the area's entire power grid," said Harris. Um, wrong. City officials, after seeing the story in the newspaper, said, "We're not aware of any plans to blow up Carmel's power grid." Oh, and, "The mayor never talked to Katherine Harris. They never had that conversation." So where did Harris get the idea that terrorists were planning to attack Carmel, Indiana? Probably from the same place she got the idea that Bush won Florida fair and square - out of her butt.

Johnnie Byrd
Florida House Speaker Johnnie Byrd is determined to run government "like a business." And, in the wake of Enron, Halliburton, Tyco, et al, that should probably sound some alarm bells. In true conservative style, Byrd has spent the last two years fighting to cut services for Florida's poor - and has now rewarded 500 state employees by giving them each a $1000 bonus. Yes, that's half a million dollars of taxpayer money. Said Doug Gallagher - one of Byrd's Republican Senate opponents - "If he's got a private sector company and he wants to do something like that, that's fine. But I think it really sends the wrong message to use tax dollars in that fashion." But I think Byrd has this all wrong. If he really wants to run Florida's government like a Bush-style business he should have laid off a bunch of people, outsourced their work to India, given the half-million dollars to himself, cooked the books, gone bankrupt, and then been arrested for fraud. Looks like Johnnie Byrd has got a lot of learning left to do.

Dick Cheney
In his recent speech to the UNITY Journalists of Color Convention, John Kerry said, "I believe I can fight a more effective, more thoughtful, more strategic, more proactive, more sensitive war on terror that reaches out to other nations and brings them to our side and lives up to American values in history." Sounds pretty sensible. But it didn't take long for Team Bush's top attack dog - uh, I mean, the vice president - Dick Cheney to cherry-pick Kerry's comments. At a campaign stop in Dayton, Ohio, Crashcart told the crowd, "America has been in too many wars for any of our wishes, but not a one of them was won by being sensitive ... A sensitive war will not destroy the evil men who killed 3,000 Americans and who seek the chemical, nuclear and biological weapons to kill hundreds of thousands more. The men who beheaded Daniel Pearl and Paul Johnson will not be impressed by our sensitivity." Nice spin, Dick. Perhaps you should mention some of that to your boss though, because here's Dubya at the UNITY convention the day after John Kerry: "Now in terms of the balance between running down intelligence and bringing people to justice obviously is - we need to be very sensitive on that." Whoops! Oh, and here's Dubya at the USS Reagan ceremony in March 2001: "Precisely because America is powerful, we must be sensitive about expressing our power and influence ... In all our dealings with other nations, we will display the modesty of true confidence and strength." Oh no! Tsk tsk, Dick will be disappointed that the Boy Blunder just made him look like a total buffoon. No supper for you, Georgie!

Team Bush
And finally, to round off this week's theme of GOP desperation, we present the latest and greatest campaign ad from Team Bush. The ad, entitled "Solemn Duty," hardly conjures up the picture of a drunken Bush cavorting around Alabama while not showing up for his National Guard assignment. But that's probably the point. However, the ad is somewhat confusing - in it, Bush says, "I can't imagine the great agony of a mom or a dad having to make the decision about which child to pick up first on September the 11th." Uh, what? Bush goes on: "We cannot hesitate." Wait, that rings a bell - September 11th... hesitation... of course! Hey, does everyone remember when Bush politely excused himself from that Florida classroom the instant he heard the terrible news that America was under attack, and totally didn't sit there like a stoned chipmunk for seven minutes until someone came and rescued him? No? Me either. The ad ends: "We cannot yield; we must do everything in our power to bring an enemy to justice before they hurt us again." Yes, and the best way to do that is clearly to invade a country that had nothing to do with September 11th, sacrifice hundreds of American lives, kill thousands of innocent civilians - meanwhile revealing the names of agents working deep undercover with the terrorists who actually hurt us. I think this guy deserves four more years, don't you? See you next week!

The Top Ten Conservative Idiots list is back on the radio! The Air America Radio Network's Ring of Fire show is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo Conservatives" - excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+ year radio veteran Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast markets from the Midwest to the west coast including an overseas hitch in Wellington, New Zealand, and most of his radio experience was spent as a morning show personality. He is currently employed by a local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a local, state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal roots went down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota state DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest in politics and the Democratic philosophy and history." You can drop him a line at [email protected].

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