The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
August 16, 2004
Keyes To Victory Edition
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God for Alan Keyes! (1) The Illinois Senate race was starting to
look a little boring there for a minute - at least we now have a
Republican candidate we can laugh at all the way to November. But
the GOP's desperation in Illinois appears to be extending to the
rest of the country. Check out George W. Bush's (2) latest tax flip-flop,
the Bush Administration's (3) dastardly politicization of the War
on Terror, and Rodney Alexander's (4) cowardly party-switch. Yes,
the smell of despondency is really stinking up the Republican party
this week. Donald Rumsfeld (6) thinks all is well in Iraq, Katherine
Harris (7) is making stuff up - again - and Dick Cheney (9) is slamming
John Kerry for the exact same thing George W. Bush said. Oh boy.
Enjoy, and as usual, don't forget the key!
Note: You can now link directly
to a Top Ten item by adding "#" plus the number
of the item to the URL. So if you wish to point someone directly
to, for example, number 6 on this week's list, add "#6"
to the end of the URL so it looks like this:
So Fox News contributor and former lunatic presidential candidate
Alan Keyes formally accepted the Republican nomination to run for
Senate in Illinois last week, and will now go head to head against
Barack Obama in November. Despite his name recognition, Keyes is
despondently in the polls with a mere 28%. Although possibly
he's slumping because of his name recognition, we're not
sure. Anyway, the funny thing is that the Illinois Republican party
is so desperate they had to find someone who doesn't even live in
Illinois to represent them. That's right - Alan Keyes lives in Maryland,
has never lived in Illinois, and has to move there in order to run.
But wait a second, I hear you cry! You can't criticize Alan Keyes
for that! What about Hillary Clinton moving to New York to run for
a Senate seat in that state? Ah, indeed. You're absolutely right.
We can't criticize Alan Keyes' carpetbagging because Hillary did
the same thing. However, we can criticize Alan Keyes for
straight up talking out of his ass. Because when Hillary ran for
Senate in 2000, Mr.
Keyes said, "I deeply resent the destruction of federalism
represented by Hillary Clinton's willingness to go into a state
she doesn't even live in and pretend to represent people there.
So I certainly wouldn't imitate it." Oh, hypocrisy, thy name is
Can you smell the desperation? Our Great Leader, having discovered
that he's lagging John Kerry on almost every issue from the economy
to healthcare, is apparently starting to crack. Terrorism is currently
Bush's strongest issue - hence the frequent pant-crap-inducing terror
alerts - and that's pretty much it. So Bush has resorted instead
to having his proxies conduct disgusting smear campaigns against
his opponent (Swift Boat Veterans for "Truth") and, well,
simply making up new issues. Last week Bush floated the possibility
of - get this - abolishing income tax and introducing a national
sales tax. "It's an interesting idea," Bush said.
"You know, I'm not exactly sure how big the national sales
tax is going to have to be, but it's the kind of interesting idea
that we ought to explore seriously." Well that's just GREAT!
What an exciting election-time issue! And so well-thought out and
well-presented! Tell you what George, why don't you just release
an ad announcing that anyone who votes for you gets a free trip
to Bali, contraceptives supplied? Jiminy Christmas. Still, if there's
one thing you can say about George W. Bush, it's that he doesn't
flip-flop. Which is why, three days later, the Associated Press
that "President Bush is distancing himself from suggestions
that he wants to replace the federal income tax with a national
sales tax ... The administration quickly denied the president was
seriously considering such a tax." Nice going, Dubya.
Here's an idea: if Bush's best issue is the war on terror, perhaps
his administration should stop helping the terrorists. Reuters recently
that security experts were "shocked" when administration
officials outed Mohammad Naeem Noor Khan as an al Qaeda mole during
the recent Orange Alert scare. "The whole thing smacks of either
incompetence or worse," said Jane's Defense security expert
Tim Ripley. "You have to ask: what are they doing compromising
a deep mole within al Qaeda, when it's so difficult to get these
guys in there in the first place? It goes against all the rules
of counter-espionage, counter-terrorism, running agents and so forth.
It's not exactly cloak and dagger undercover work if it's on the
front pages every time there's a development, is it?" No, it
isn't - but it's par for the course for Team Bush. First they blew
the cover of CIA agent Valerie Plame, now they're outing valuable
intelligence assets working undercover within al Qaeda - and all
to get a political leg-up in this year's election. Is anyone feeling
Rodney Alexander was elected to the position of Louisiana's 5th
District Representative as a Democrat in 2002, but he recently announced
that he would be running for re-election as a Republican. "The Democratic
Party invites you under its umbrella, but if you don't agree with
everything then you're not welcome," Alexander said. "They pushed
me out from under the umbrella." Boo frickin hoo. Of course, this
had nothing to do with a) the district being very conservative and
turning Republican would lock it up for Alexander, and b) rumors
that Alexander was bribed by senior Republicans with a seat on the
House Appropriations Committee if he switched parties. Now there's
principles for you! Alexander qualified to run as a Democrat
Wednesday August 4, and then switched parties two days later, qualifying
as a Republican on Friday August 6. After making the switch he said,
"President Bush just welcomed me aboard and said he was looking
forward to working with us to help both the district and the country
become stronger." But I thought that guy hated flip-floppers!
Last week was quite a week for Bushisms and Bush antics (see Idiots
- so much so that we missed a couple of them in the previous Top
10. But we wouldn't want to let you down, so here they are. At the
UNITY Journalists of Color Convention (the same Convention where
Bush invented TSAIEWDNBIFSWHTUTAAWTTTSTCOTFW)
Our Great Leader was asked, "What do you think tribal sovereignty
means in the 21st century?" He responded,
"Tribal sovereignty means that, it's sovereign. You're a -
you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign
entity. And, therefore, the relationship between the federal government
and tribes is one between sovereign entities." Jeez, George,
don't be so shy. Just say, "I'm sorry - I don't have a goddamn
clue what you're talking about." Secondly, at the same event,
Dubya surprised everyone by announcing
that he was against "legacy admissions" - that is, colleges
using family history as a determining factor in who they accept.
Which is a little bizarre when you consider that as a famously-proud
C-student Dubya got into Yale because of his daddy and granddaddy.
Of course, he was just saying all this so that he could criticize
affirmative action without having his legacy admission thrown back
in his face. Even though, according
to Dubya himself, he is not opposed to affirmative action. Or
is he? Who the hell knows? I'm sorry, his gibberish is really starting
to fry my brain.
Disappearing Donald put in a rare appearance at a press conference
last week, announcing
that he is "absolutely convinced that the 25 million people
of Iraq have a good crack at succeeding and building a bright future."
And why's that? Because, according to Rumsfeld, "The Iraqi
people are free and are moving towards an election for the first
time in decades." But wait - that's not all! Rumsfeld gave
some sound examples of how everything is going swimmingly in Iraq:
1) They've started a stock market, 2) they've got a symphony orchestra,
and 3) they've got an Olympic team - which, according to Rumsfeld
is, "quite a thing if one thinks about it." Indeed. Meanwhile,
thousands of US troops went on an all-out attack in Najaf last week.
"Major operations to destroy the militia have begun,"
said US Marine Major David Holahan, executive officer of the 1st
Battalion, 4th Marines Regiment. Funny, I thought major combat operations
ended on May
1, 2003. Sounds to me like Donald has found some "good
crack" of his own.
Here's another story that slipped through the net last week. It
seems that our favorite ex-Secretary of State/election thief Katherine
Harris is now an expert on national security. Or is she? Harris
said recently that she "regrets" claiming there was a
plot to blow up a power grid in Indiana after it was revealed she
it up. At a rally for George W. Bush, Harris told the audience
that the mayor of Carmel, Indiana, had informed her that "a
man of Middle Eastern heritage had been arrested and hundreds of
pounds of explosives were found in his home," according to
the Associated Press. "He had plans to blow up the area's entire
power grid," said Harris. Um, wrong. City officials, after
seeing the story in the newspaper, said, "We're not aware of
any plans to blow up Carmel's power grid." Oh, and, "The
mayor never talked to Katherine Harris. They never had that conversation."
So where did Harris get the idea that terrorists were planning to
attack Carmel, Indiana? Probably from the same place she got the
idea that Bush won Florida fair and square - out of her butt.
Florida House Speaker Johnnie Byrd is determined to run government
"like a business." And, in the wake of Enron, Halliburton,
Tyco, et al, that should probably sound some alarm bells. In true
conservative style, Byrd has spent the last two years fighting to
cut services for Florida's poor - and has now rewarded
500 state employees by giving them each a $1000 bonus. Yes, that's
half a million dollars of taxpayer money. Said Doug Gallagher -
one of Byrd's Republican Senate opponents - "If he's got a
private sector company and he wants to do something like that, that's
fine. But I think it really sends the wrong message to use tax dollars
in that fashion." But I think Byrd has this all wrong. If he
really wants to run Florida's government like a Bush-style
business he should have laid off a bunch of people, outsourced their
work to India, given the half-million dollars to himself, cooked
the books, gone bankrupt, and then been arrested for fraud. Looks
like Johnnie Byrd has got a lot of learning left to do.
In his recent speech to the UNITY Journalists of Color Convention,
John Kerry said,
"I believe I can fight a more effective, more thoughtful, more
strategic, more proactive, more sensitive war on terror that reaches
out to other nations and brings them to our side and lives up to
American values in history." Sounds pretty sensible. But it
didn't take long for Team Bush's top attack dog - uh, I mean, the
vice president - Dick Cheney to cherry-pick Kerry's comments. At
a campaign stop in Dayton, Ohio, Crashcart told
the crowd, "America has been in too many wars for any of
our wishes, but not a one of them was won by being sensitive ...
A sensitive war will not destroy the evil men who killed 3,000 Americans
and who seek the chemical, nuclear and biological weapons to kill
hundreds of thousands more. The men who beheaded Daniel Pearl and
Paul Johnson will not be impressed by our sensitivity." Nice
spin, Dick. Perhaps you should mention some of that to your boss
though, because here's
Dubya at the UNITY convention the day after John Kerry:
"Now in terms of the balance between running down intelligence
and bringing people to justice obviously is - we need to be very
sensitive on that." Whoops! Oh, and here's
Dubya at the USS Reagan ceremony in March 2001: "Precisely
because America is powerful, we must be sensitive about expressing
our power and influence ... In all our dealings with other nations,
we will display the modesty of true confidence and strength."
Oh no! Tsk tsk, Dick will be disappointed that the Boy Blunder
just made him look like a total buffoon. No supper for you, Georgie!
And finally, to round off this week's theme of GOP desperation,
we present the latest and greatest campaign
ad from Team Bush. The ad, entitled "Solemn Duty,"
hardly conjures up the picture of a drunken Bush cavorting around
Alabama while not showing up for his National Guard assignment.
But that's probably the point. However, the ad is somewhat confusing
- in it, Bush says, "I can't imagine the great agony of a mom
or a dad having to make the decision about which child to pick up
first on September the 11th." Uh, what? Bush goes on: "We
cannot hesitate." Wait, that rings a bell - September 11th...
hesitation... of course! Hey, does everyone remember when Bush politely
excused himself from that Florida classroom the instant he heard
the terrible news that America was under attack, and totally didn't
sit there like a stoned chipmunk for seven minutes until someone
came and rescued him? No? Me
either. The ad ends: "We cannot yield; we must do everything
in our power to bring an enemy to justice before they hurt us again."
Yes, and the best way to do that is clearly to invade a country
that had nothing to do with September 11th, sacrifice hundreds of
American lives, kill thousands of innocent civilians - meanwhile
revealing the names of agents working deep undercover with the terrorists
who actually hurt us. I think this guy deserves four more
years, don't you? See you next week!
The Top Ten Conservative Idiots
list is back on the radio! The Air America Radio Network's
of Fire show is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo Conservatives"
- excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+ year radio veteran
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New Zealand, and most of his radio experience was spent as
a morning show personality. He is currently employed by a
local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a local,
state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal roots went
down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota state
DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest in
politics and the Democratic philosophy and history." You can
drop him a line at DeanRandall1@aol.com.
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