Ronald Reagan Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 159)
Multiple Reagasm Edition
honor of the Gipper's passing we have decided to rename this
week's Top Ten Conservative Idiots, "The Ronald Reagan
Top Ten Conservative Idiots." And now on with the show.
In the number one slot we have George W. Reagan (1) - I mean,
George W. Bush - who is trying to attach himself to the legacy
of Ronald Reagan in much the same way a horny cocker spaniel
tries to attach itself to your pantleg. He's got some competition
though in the form of The Ronathon (2), a loose-knit group
of individuals with a common goal: brown-nosing the Gipper.
But it's not all Reagan this week - the Bush Administration
(3) is in trouble over torture, the State Department (4) is
in trouble over terrorism, and the Pentagon (7) is in trouble
over Iraq. Closing out the list, George W. Bush (9) went to
the G8 summit (picture gallery!), and Jonathan Cunningham
(10) sells his wife's underpants. Enjoy, and as usual, don't
forget the key!
so at long last, George W. Bush has found a flag-draped coffin
he doesn't mind standing next to. In fact, Our Great Leader
was practically clambering into Reagan's casket last week
in a vain effort to get some of that Gipper Goodness to rub
off on him. Team Bush replaced their campaign website's home
page with a tribute to the ex-president, and when I say "tribute,"
I of course mean a desperate attempt to confuse people into
believing that Little George is the second coming of Saint
Ronnie. Fat chance. Somehow I don't think we're going to be
seeing Bush referred to in the history books as "The
Great Communicator." (Note: the Bush campaign has taken
down their tribute, but you can see it here.)
Meanwhile, the Misadministration were out in force spreading
the word. Colin
Powell said "I think there's a similarity," between
Bush and Reagan, Martin
Anderson (chief domestic adviser in the Reagan White House)
said "everything Bush talks about was something Ronald
Reagan had tried to do," (what, Reagan wanted to invade
Iraq? I thought he was selling Saddam weapons) and don't be
surprised if all we hear from now till November is exhortations
to "win one for the Gipper" by voting for Bush.
Not that the Republicans would ever consider playing politics
with Reagan's death, of course. But for all these wonderful
comparisons, perhaps we should heed the words of someone who
knew Ronald Reagan better than most - his son, Ron Jr. What's
"My father crapped bigger ones than George Bush." Case closed.
So what's it to be? How are we going to immortalize Ronnie,
and what's the most inappropriate way of doing it? Yes, the
Ronathon was in full effect last week as right-wingers competed
to demonstrate how far they could get their noses up Dutch's
backside. Sen. Mitch McConnell of Kentucky wants to replace
Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill, Rep. Dana Rohrabacher
(R-Calif) wants Reagan on the $20, and Rep. Jeff Miller (R-Fla.)
prefers to replace John F. Kennedy on the 50-cent piece. Meanwhile
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist has suggested
renaming the Pentagon to "the Ronald Reagan National
Defense Building." (Seriously.) Some in Congress are
even trying to get the 25-year waiting period removed
so they can place a memorial on the National Mall. But why
stop at the National Mall? Grover Norquist and the Ronald
Reagan Legacy Project want to put a monument to the Gipper
in every county in the United States (there's more than 3000
of them). I hope they're paying for it. And let's not forget
putting Ronnie's head on Mount
Rushmore, of course, which is a very popular suggestion.
Tell you what, why don't we rename the Statue of Liberty after
him - or better still, replace Lady Liberty's head with Ronald's,
complete with cowboy hat? Or we could carefully set massive
forest fires in the west which when viewed from space form
a majestic flaming image of his smiling face. We could call
it the Ronald Reagan Tree Is A Tree Clean Air Monument. Because
you know, I bet that's what Ronald Reagan would have wanted.
John Ashcroft was in hot water last week when he potentially
placed himself in contempt of Congress by refusing
to release a January 2002 memo which says that George
W. Bush is above the law and can torture whomever he damn
well pleases. "I believe it is essential to the operation
of the executive branch that the president have the opportunity
to get information from the attorney general that is confidential,"
said Ashcroft. But he didn't invoke executive privilege, so
he was basically saying, "oh, and by the way, I'm above
the law too." The
memo itself was 56 pages long, and according
to Reuters said that George W. Bush had "'complete
authority over the conduct of war,' overriding international
treaties such as a global treaty banning torture, the Geneva
Conventions and a U.S. federal law against torture."
That's right folks - Our Great Leader doesn't need to abide
by such petty out-dated concepts as "the law" because
he's defending our freedoms. Never mind the fact that
authorizing torture places George W. Bush in the same league
as Augusto Pinochet. Because don't forget - even though we're
doing the same things the evil-doers are doing, we know
that it's wrong, and that makes us better than them. Um, or
something. And anyway, I bet it's what Ronald Reagan would
you, all this torture must be working because according to
a State Department report, terrorist attacks have drastically
declined in the last two years. All hail George W. Bush, Inconveniencer
of Terrorists! Mind you, in order to actually believe that
terrorist attacks have drastically declined, you'd also have
to believe that the State Department's report is accurate,
and if you believe that then - ha ha! - sucker! Yes, the Associated
last week that the State Department was "wrong in reporting
terrorism declined worldwide last year... Instead, both the
number of incidents and the toll in victims increased sharply,
the department said." Wow! Incredible... they released
a report claiming that terrorism had decreased sharply,
and in fact it had increased sharply! Impressive. So
Team Bush are running around trying to claim that John Kerry
would be "weak on terrorism." Yet the Bush Administration
is proven to be weak on terrorism, but doesn't even
know it because the State Department's reports are wrong.
I'm so glad the grown-ups are in charge. Colin Powell had
a good explanation though, saying, "Errors crept in that
frankly we did not catch." Oh, well that should
make everyone feel much better.
While we're on the subject of lies being told about John Kerry
(refer to Idiots 151
for previous Crashcart campaign hypocrisy), check this out
- it seems that Dick Cheney wasn't as big an admirer of Ronald
Reagan as he pretended to be at last week's state funeral.
See, when Cheney was a congressman back in the 1980s, he criticized
Reagan for "tolerating a decision-making process in the upper
reaches of the Administration that lacked integrity and accountability."
Cheney also said that if Reagan "doesn't really cut defense,
he becomes the No. 1 special pleader in town," and that "you've
got to hit defense." But wait a second - I thought that
cutting defense spending is bad - at least, Team Bush
is constantly criticizing John Kerry for it. Well that's the
funny part - see, actually it turns out that when Cheney was
George H. W. Bush's secretary of defense, he did
he could to cut defense spending - and bragged about it.
In fact, according to the San Diego Union-Tribune,
he "presided over the biggest cutbacks in defense programs
in modern history." Yup, Dick actively took part in "downsizing"
Reagan's legacy. Who'da thunk it?
a shame that Ronnie's demise is keeping news from Iraq off
the front page at the moment though, because things are looking
up over there. For example, while Americans are paying record
prices for gasoline, Iraqis are only paying five cents a gallon!
Yes, all thanks to "hundreds of millions of dollars subsidies
bankrolled by American taxpayers," according
to the Associated Press. That's right, a three-month supply
of gas for the Iraqi people costs America half a billion dollars.
Gee, I hope nobody said before the invasion that the occupation
of Iraq would pay
for itself. That would make them look pretty stupid now.
Anyway, I guess there is one way George W. Bush is
similar to the Gipper - he's firmly on the "deficits
to infinity and beyond" bandwagon.
I'm sure it's - *sniff* - what Reagan would have wanted.
But like the subsidized oil, the good news keeps flowing.
The Associated Press recently revealed
that "Misguided U.S. training of Iraqi police contributed
to the country's instability and has delayed getting enough
qualified Iraqis on the streets to ease the burden on American
forces." Wait a minute, that's not good news either.
Who said that? Some commie-pinko-America-hater? Uh, not quite.
These are the thoughts of Army Maj. Gen. Paul D. Eaton, the
head of armed forces training in Iraq. "We've had the
wrong training focus - on individual cops rather than their
leaders," he told the AP last week. Well, gee, uh, I guess
we hand the country over in two weeks or so... isn't it a
bit late to be telling us this? "They basically quit.
They told us, 'We're an army for external defense and you
want us to go to Fallujah?' That was a personal mistake on
my part." Whoa, whoa, hold on. This is terrible. You've been
doing this for a year, and the whole thing is a flop? How
do you explain this? "We thought we were going to be nice
and comfortable in a benign environment and rebuild this country."
low can the fundie nutjobs go? Family planners Causeway Medical
Clinic filed a lawsuit
against William Graham of Louisiana last week, because Graham
has allegedly been running a fake referral service named Causeway
Center for Women. The lawsuit claims that Graham has been
tricking women who call him (confusing his "center"
with the real one) by telling them he will refer them to a
doctor who performs abortions, but then repeatedly rescheduling
them until it's too late to get a legal abortion. In some
cases women have apparently foregone prenatal care - because
they think they're going to get an abortion - and then have
been forced to carry the baby to term. What a scumbag.
W. Bush attended the G8 summit last week.
And finally, in order to end this edition as far from Ronald
Reagan as we possibly can, we're going all the way across
the Atlantic to Great Britain, where Conservative Party candidate
Jonathan Cunningham was recently "dragged before local
party supremos," according
to The Register. Why? Because the Tories weren't
too happy when they found out that he'd registered a website
in order to sell his wife's used underwear. The website -
www.pantopia.biz - (here's
all that's left in Google's cache) - was created with the
full cooperation of his wife, who appeared topless on the
site with some of her friends and wrote "I really do
get off on my sexual openness. All the girls including my
horny, sexy self are real amateurs that get their sexual kicks
from getting their tits out." And how did the local Conservative
Party find out about Cunningham's enterprise? He unfortunately
registered his website using the same address as the one listed
in "Tory election literature." Whoops. See you next
It appears that Rush Limbaugh, popular radio talk show host
and avowed defender of conservative family values, ended
his third marriage this week. Our thoughts and prayers
go out to Rush during this difficult time, which comes hot
on the heels of his recent problems with drug addiction and
troubles with the police. Hopefully this latest blow will
not prevent Rush continuing his daily three-hour lectures
on personal responsibility, morality, and why his problems
are all Bill Clinton's fault.
a Conservative for Next Week's List