Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 158)
Chalabi Damned Edition
back after our holiday break, and it's certainly been an eventful
couple of weeks. George W. Bush (1) went to Europe, but before
he left he found time to "distance himself" from
former buddy Ahmed Chalabi after Chalabi apparently passed
sensitive information to the Iranians which he received from
The White House Mystery Drunk (2). Meanwhile Kelli Arena and
John Ashcroft (3) spread some unpleasant propaganda, Enron
(4) was thoroughly embarrassed, and Trent Lott (6) weighed
in on the Abu Ghraib scandal. Elsewhere, Dana Rohrabacher
(7) has lost his mind, Team Bush (9) has really gone
negative, and Donald Rumsfeld (10) is getting shit from his
wife. Enjoy, and as usual, don't forget the key!
PS. If you're looking for stories about Ronald Reagan in this
week's edition, he "ended communication" a little
too close to our deadline. Tune in next week for coverage
of the fallout of St. Ronald's passing.
Remember Ken Lay? George Bush doesn't. When Enron imploded
back in 2002 (more on that later in this issue), Our Great
Leader pretended that he had no idea who this so-called "Ken
Lay" was (see Idiots 50)
despite the fact that Ken Lay was one of his best buddies.
And now he's at it again - since it was announced that the
Pentagon's top man in Iraq Ahmed
Chalabi was reportedly spying for the Iranians, Bush has
done his level best to "distance himself" from his
former pal. At a news conference last week he
said, "My meetings with him were very brief. I think
I met with him at the State of the Union and just, kind of,
working through the rope line, and he might have come with
a group of leaders." Oh really? I guess you must have been
shitfaced every time he exercised his Oval
Office privileges then. Or perhaps you didn't notice him
behind your wife at the State
of the Union Address this year. Or perhaps it slipped
your mind that you've been paying his group hundreds of thousands
of dollars a month for the last several years (see Idiots
In fact, it kinda makes you wonder whether Bush will be denying
the existence of Donald Rumsfeld before long. "Hmm, yeah,
the name rings a bell. I think I may have spoken with him
once or twice..."
White House Mystery Drunk
CIA chief George Tenet quit last week, and the question
on everyone's lips is "Did he fall or was he pushed?"
Why the CIA director would resign "for personal reasons"
five months before a general election is a conundrum to most
people, and obviously
we shall see how this plays out politically in the coming
weeks. But Tenet's resignation wasn't the biggest conundrum
of the week.
it was revealed that Ahmed Chalabi passed secrets to the Iranians,
a fascinating guessing game has gripped Washington: who was
the mystery drunk that told Chalabi that the CIA had broken
the Iranian spy service's secret communications code? The
New York Times reported
last week that in a cable to Tehran, an Iranian official "recounted
how Mr. Chalabi had said that one of 'them' - a reference
to an American - had revealed the code-breaking operation,
the officials said. The Iranian reported that Mr. Chalabi
said the American was drunk." And so, as a service to
our readers, we are proud to present:
The Top Ten Conservative Idiots White House Mystery Drunk
it Donald Rumsfeld?
At press conferences Rumsfeld is frequently seen waving
his hands in the manner of someone frenetically describing
last night's basketball game to the bartender. He is also
in the habit of asking himself questions and then answering
them: "Will Kobe Bryant's trial affect his performance
in the finals? Hard to say. Will the Lakers take down
the Pistons this year? You bet."
Favorite tipple: Rum Shooter.
Chance of being Mystery Drunk: Good.
it Richard Perle?
Known as the "Prince of Darkness," Perle is
the kind of drinker who sits by himself at the end of
the bar and looks like a respectable old gentleman until
you realize he'd been getting quietly wasted all night.
If the only free seat in the entire bar is the one next
to him, think twice before sitting in it, unless you want
to hear long, incoherent stories about how much better
things were when "the blacks knew their place."
Favorite tipple: Bloody Mary.
Chance of being Mystery Drunk: Excellent.
it John Ashcroft?
A staunch fundamentalist Christian, there's about as much
chance of John Ashcroft being the White House mystery
drunk as there is of the next leader of Iraq dying of
natural causes. Anointing himself with Crisco and believing
that calico cats are minions of the devil, yes. Getting
drunk and giving away important national security information,
Favorite tipple: Holy Water.
Chance of being Mystery Drunk: Zero.
it Dick Cheney?
His permanent scowl constantly suggests that he may be
about to ask the age-old bar-room question, "Are
you looking at my girlfriend?" (Immediately followed,
of course, by the dreaded, "Why not? Are you saying
there's something wrong with her?") However, since
Dick suffers from a chronic heart condition his doctors
will have surely suggested that he not drink alcohol.
Favorite tipple: Barbecue Sauce.
Chance of being Mystery Drunk: Unlikely.
it Condoleezza Rice?
She spiked the punch back at the senior prom, and now
she's the National Security Advisor. At dinner parties,
Condoleezza likes to hit the sauce early and usually ends
up being carried out to a cab by midnight. She has occasionally
been known to mistake the president for her nonexistent
husband. But is she the White House Mystery Drunk?
Favorite tipple: Whatever's in the liquor cabinet.
Chance of being Mystery Drunk: Impressive.
it George W. Bush?
He chokes on pretzels, falls off mountain bikes and Segways,
has a problem with umbrellas, can barely speak without
slurring his words, and can't appear to find his ass with
both hands - but did George W. Bush pass crucial top-secret
information to Chalabi? Only if you believe that his administration
actually gives him access to crucial top-secret information.
Favorite tipple: Coors Light poured through a plastic
Chance of being Mystery Drunk: Drunk, yes. Mystery,
Arena (and John Ashcroft)
In a recent CNN segment, Justice Correspondent Kelli Arena
made a staggering
claim: that al Qaeda endorses John Kerry for president.
During Arena's videotaped report, which discussed whether
al Qaeda might attack the U.S. again before November's elections,
she commented, "Neither John Kerry nor the president
has said troops pulled out of Iraq any time soon. But there
is some speculation that al Qaeda believes it has a better
chance of winning in Iraq if John Kerry is in the White House."
Oh really? Speculation by whom? Well how about Bush's Attorney
General John Ashcroft. A couple weeks ago Ashcroft announced
that the terrorists were definitely attacking this summer
and we're all going to die, so duck and cover, run to the
hills, all that good stuff. (Incidentally this was all news
to Tom Ridge, who had no
idea what Ashcroft was talking about). But during that
said, "The Madrid railway bombings were perceived by
Osama bin Laden and al Qaeda to have advanced their cause.
Al Qaeda may perceive that a large-scale attack in the United
States this summer or fall would lead to similar consequences."
Got it? If there's another major attack, make sure to vote
for the guy who let it happen. Otherwise, uh, the terrorists
have won. Now, we expect this kind of utterly contemptible
bullshit from Ashcroft, but to hear it bastardized into "there
is some speculation that al Qaeda believes it has a better
chance of winning in Iraq if John Kerry is in the White House"
is really quite... what am I saying. Obviously we expect this
kind of utterly contemptible bullshit from CNN as well.
CBS News dropped
a bomb on Enron last week after they obtained audio tapes
of Enron traders discussing such entertaining subjects as
how Ken Lay "fucks California," how Enron stole
money from "Grandma Millie," and how Grandma Millie,
um, "wants her fucking money back for all the power you've
charged right up, jammed right up her ass for fucking $250
a megawatt hour." Yes, after years of allegations that Enron
was deliberately defrauding the state of California by causing
a massive energy crisis, the evidence was made public last
week, and it wasn't pretty.
The energy company's traders were caught ordering power plants
to be shut down and gloating about a huge forest fire which
closed a major transmission line into California, as well
as suggesting that they would "love to see Ken Lay Secretary
of Energy," and dreaming about how "When this election comes
Bush will fucking whack this shit, man. He won't play this
price-cap bullshit." Funnily enough, Bush gave a speech during
the energy crisis in which he said, "We will not take
any action that makes California's problems worse and that's
why I oppose price caps." Hmm... isn't that called "aiding
and abetting?" See, former governor Gray Davis was trying
to get Bush to impose
price caps on electricity in California, but Bush refused.
Meanwhile Our Great Leader's surrogates were running attack
ads accusing Davis of failing to protect Californians from
rising power prices (see Idiots 24).
And finally, Davis was ousted by groping Austrian beefcake
Arnold Schwarzenegger, who coincidentally met
with Enron executives during the energy crisis (Schwarzenegger
says he doesn't remember the meeting, of course). What a disaster.
Is anyone surprised to learn that a recently-discovered
Pentagon email may confirm that Dick Cheney actually "coordinated
a huge Halliburton government contract for Iraq," despite
denying any interest in his former company? Anyone? Hands
up if you think that there is absolutely no connection between
Vice President Cheney, Halliburton, and the invasion of Iraq.
Yes, you sir. You at the back. Sorry sir, you'll have to speak
up. No, I'm sorry, I don't understand you. What's that? I'm
a fucking what? Un-American what now? I'm sorry sir, it's
hard for me to understand what you're saying. Slow down. Take
a deep breath. Wipe your chin. Oh dear, he's passed out. Anyone
It's been a while since the Mississippi Hair-Helmet last cracked
the Top Ten - I guess it's harder to get noticed after you've
been forced to resign from your leadership position in disgrace.
But he's back with a vengeance this week, all thanks to the
Abu Ghraib prison scandal. And guess what? Trent is firmly
on the side of the wingnuts who believe that torturing Iraqis
a big deal. What a surprise. Trent is uncomfortable with
the "physical perversion" aspect of the torture, but
doesn't have a problem with the dog attacks, and the, uh,
deadly beatings. "Hey, nothing wrong with holding a dog up
there, unless the dog ate him, scared him with a dog," said
he during an interview. Uh, Trent, the dog did
"eat him" you moron. When asked about prisoners
who had died from beatings at Abu Ghraib, Trent compassionately
responded, "This is not Sunday school; this is interrogation;
this is rough stuff."
Fortunately Trent did show a little sympathy for the 70%-90%
of the Abu Ghraib prisoners who by the Red Cross's estimation
were innocent civilians. Some of the prisoners "should not
have been prisoners in the first place..." said Trent.
Hang on - there's more. "...probably should have been
killed." Ah, okay. You know what though? I bet if Strom
Thurmond were president we wouldn't have had all these problems.
Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-CA) is a fucking idiot. How big
of an idiot is he? A very big one. Appearing on CNN's Crossfire
last week, Rohrabacher blamed the Democrats in general and
Al Gore in particular for September 11. Said
he on CNN's Crossfire, "It's the Democratic Party
and of course it's Al Gore, who knows a lot about incompetence,
I might add, that got us into this mess; 9/11 was on the way;
9/11 was on the way by the time President Bush was inaugurated."
Hmm, that's odd. See, Dana Rohrabacher used to be a pretty
big fan of Osama bin Laden's protectors, the Taliban. How
big of a fan? Well, a very big one. According to a 2002
report in the OC Weekly, Rohrabacher "lobbied
shamelessly for the Taliban" during the 1990s. In 1996
he wrote an article claiming that the "Taliban could provide
stability in an area where chaos was creating a real threat
to the U.S." Later in the article he claimed that the Taliban
were "not terrorists or revolutionaries," that media reports
of the Taliban's nutjob religious fundamentalism were "nonsense,"
and that they posed no threat to the United States. Look -
here's a picture of him in Afghanistan back in 1988!
you, on September 11 Rohrabacher did stand before a microphone
and say "Iíve been begging people to do something about
Afghanistan, and I said if we didnít do anything about the
Taliban, we would pay a dear price." So there's always the
possibility that's he's severely mentally ill.
Actually it kinda makes you wonder why they let him go on
Whoops - looks like the GOP's latest outreach to Latino voters
has been a bit
of a flop.
On their website, the Republicans have a page where Spanish-speakers
can sign up for email newsletters "about the topics that
most interest you." The page asks interested parties for their
name, email address, telephone number - typical demographic
information. Then they ask what your job is. Which is fine,
provided you're a) war veteran or retired military, b) teacher
or educator, c) senior citizen, or d) farmer or rancher. Because
those are the only choices - there's not even an option for
"other." Come on GOP, you can stereotype better
than that. How about including some options for fruit-picker,
or taco-vendor, or bullfighter? Morons.
The Washington Post reported
last week that Team Bush is "making history" with
an election campaign of "unprecedented negativity,"
and that the "ferocious Bush assault on Kerry this spring
has been extraordinary, both for the volume of attacks and
for the liberties the president and his campaign have taken
with the facts." So far Bush has aired almost 50,000
negative attack ads against his opponent, 75% of his advertising.
In contrast, Kerry's ads are 73% positive. According to Brown
University professor Darrell West, "Bush's level of negative
advertising is already higher than the levels reached in the
2000, 1996 and 1992 campaigns." And according
to the Post, "The campaign ads, which are
most scrutinized, have produced a torrent of misstatements."
All of which is quite interesting in the context of an interview
Bush gave to David Horowitz back in 1999, where, when asked
if he had the potential to "reshape the political landscape,"
"In the course of the campaign, it's the first thing
I want to do. The second is to elevate the discourse. I'm
not going to participate in the old Washington, D.C., game
of gossip and slander." My, how times have changed. That
sounds spookily to close to a... dare I say it... flip-flop?
And finally, according
to the BBC, Donald Rumsfeld reports that his wife "often
needles him about the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden - often
just after they wake up." Rumsfeld said, "When I walk
out of the bedroom in the morning, my wife frequently rolls
over and says, 'Where's UBL?'" Crikey. Can you imagine that?
I mean, you're one of the guys in charge of country, 9/11
happened on your watch, the man responsible has disappeared,
and your wife nags you about it every morning when you get
up? Geez, how much more of that is Rumsfeld gonna be able
to take before he flips out one morning and yells, "HOW
MANY DAMN TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? HE'S IN THE BASEMENT
AND HE'S NOT COMING OUT UNTIL OCTOBER."
See you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List