Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 152)
Turkey and Mustard Edition
did you see Bush on tee-vee last Tuesday? Four words: Worst.
Press Conference. Ever. His ridiculous performance earned
him the top three spots on this week's list. But that's not
all. He and Cheney collectively earned the number four slot
for their massive tax windfall they both received this year
from the Tax Cut. (Must be nice to have the power to stuff
fat cash into your own pocket like that.) Rounding out the
list, we've got some familiar faces: John Ashcroft (5) is
blaming Bill Clinton for 9/11. Randall Terry (7) of Operation
Rescue has a gay kid. (Oh, the horror!) And Antonin Scalia
(9) has learned an important lesson. Enjoy, and as usual,
don't forget the key!
Millions of viewers tuned in to George W. Bush's primetime
press conference last Tuesday, and immediately tuned out again
when they realized that American Idol had been pre-empted.
But those viewers really should have "stayed the course,"
because they missed out on a performance
just as half-baked and devoid of talent, as hilarious and
yet downright sad, as any of American Idol's worst auditions.
Think William Hung in a suit - just as Hung has made a career
out of repeating "she bangs" over and over again
until it ceases to be funny and merely annoys the piss out
of you, so George W. Bush continued to drag out the same tired
old platitudes last Tuesday night. Regardless of the question
being asked, Bush returned again and again to the safe havens
of "freedom," "terra," "war on terra,"
and even that old stand-by, "weapons of mass destruction."
What's your best prediction on how long U.S. troops will have
to be in Iraq? The Iraqis want freedom. You said that
the Iraqis would welcome us with sweets and flowers - how
do you explain to Americans how you got that so wrong? Saddam
Hussein used weapons of mass destruction against his own people.
Why are you and the vice president insisting on appearing
together before the 9-11 commission? I look forward to
answering their questions. Sorry George. America may not
have voted yet, but you're in the bottom three tonight.
While George formed a lot of substanceless sentences from
a lot of substanceless words last Tuesday, it was what he
didn't say that proved to be quite telling. When asked
the question, "You've looked back before 9-11 for what
mistakes might have been made. After 9-11, what would your
biggest mistake be, would you say, and what lessons have you
learned from it?" Bush clung to the podium, cast his
eyes to the heavens as if looking for divine inspiration,
looked at his feet for a while and shook his head, before
finally blurting out, "You know, I just - I'm sure something
will pop into my head here" (for video, visit this
link, open it up in RealPlayer, and skip ahead to 50:58).
President Ever then went on to explain that he was having
trouble "in the midst of this press conference, with
all the pressure of trying to come up with answer." Um,
I hate to break it to you, numbnuts, but you're the Commander-in-Chief
of the United States of America. And you can't even handle
the pressure of a press conference? I'm going to start
calling you Jello W. Bush from now on.
To be fair, there was one line that stuck out during
Dubya's incoherent blatherings at the press conference. Yes,
he was talking about weapons of mass destruction - again -
but we can apparently now add 50 tons of mustard gas in a
turkey farm to all the VX, anthrax, yellowcake and aluminum
tubes. That's right - it wouldn't be a press conference without
Our Great Leader telling fibs about stockpiles of WMDs. During
his non-answer to the question "what's your biggest mistake?"
Bush started going on about how he still thinks that WMDs
will be found: "See, I'm of the belief that we'll find
out the truth on the weapons. That's why we sent up the independent
commission. I look forward to hearing the truth as to exactly
where they are. They could still be there. They could be hidden,
like the 50 tons of mustard gas in a turkey farm." Now,
for those of you unfamiliar with the 50 tons of mustard gas
in a turkey farm story, here's the deal. Bush was talking
about Libya's voluntary disclosure of weapons earlier this
year, during which inspectors discovered - you guessed it
- 50 tons of mustard gas in a turkey farm. Except... the day
after the press conference Scott McClellan had to clarify
Bush's statement, because apparently only 23.6 tons of mustard
gas were found. Oh, and the substance was actually found scattered
across Libya, not at the turkey farm. Um, in fact, there wasn't
any mustard gas at the turkey farm at all, just unfilled munitions.
So technically Bush's statement was correct, apart from the
bit about "50 tons of mustard gas in a turkey farm."
know, it's not surprising that Bush can't think of any mistakes
he's made since 9/11, considering that he DOESN'T HAVE A BRAIN.
W. Bush and Dick Cheney
But that's enough about Bush's piss-poor press conference.
Let's turn our attention instead to tax cuts for the rich.
It was revealed last week that "President Bush and Vice
President Dick Cheney reaped tax benefits last year from the
cuts that they pushed through Congress," according
to the Associated Press. Jello
and Pickles paid a mere 28 percent of their adjusted gross
income for 2003 compared to 31 percent in 2002, while Crashcart
and, uh, Lynne, paid a piddling 20 percent of their $1.3 million
income compared to 29 percent in 2002. So it's good to know
that Bush's tax cuts are going to help those who really need
it. A White House spokesperson said that the tax cuts have
"had the effect of spurring economic growth and creating
jobs." Yeah, right. With a bit of luck, Bush's elitist tax
reform will have the same effect on his job this year
as it's had on the jobs of three million of his fellow Americans
since he came into office.
The Crisco Kid himself appeared before the 9/11 Commission
last week to explain why everything that the Bush administration
did leading up to September 11 was in fact the fault of the
Clinton administration. According to Ashcroft's version of
the story, he "moved quickly" to focus the nation
on fighting terrorism as soon as he got into office, which
I guess would explain
why former interim FBI director Thomas J. Pickard testified
before the Commission that Ashcroft specifically asked not
to be briefed about terrorism. I guess it would also explain
why Ashcroft testified that "We did not know an attack
was coming, because for nearly a decade our government had
blinded itself to its enemies," despite the fact that
Condoleezza Rice already testified that the Clinton plan was
a good one, which is why she chose to keep it in place and
retain Richard Clarke. And
I guess that it would also explain why, according
to the UK Guardian, on September 10, 2001 Ashcroft
"sent a request for budget increases to the White House.
It covered 68 programs, none of them related to counter-terrorism."
Oh, and he "also sent a memorandum to his heads of departments,
stating his seven priorities. Counter-terrorism was not on
the list." Oh yeah, and let's not forget that he "turned
down an FBI request for hundreds more agents to be assigned
to tracking terrorist threats." Damn you, Bill Clinton
and your terrorist-loving penis! Look what you made John Ashcroft
Speaking of attorneys general, meet Robert Owsiany, former
deputy state attorney general from Pittsburgh. Owsiany - a
Republican Party activist - is somewhat infamous in Allegheny
County, Pennsylvania, where he served as the local GOP solicitor,
to the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, "The GOP-dominated
county Board of Elections hired Owsiany to investigate allegations
of absentee ballot fraud in Kennedy between 1997 and 2002.
His report alleged township Democrats were involved in an
organized effort to forge absentee ballots in municipal primaries
and elections...A federal probe was initiated, but criminal
charges have not been filed in the case. County Treasurer
John Weinstein and his father, Kennedy Treasurer Melvin Weinstein,
longtime Democratic Party power players, disputed any wrongdoing
and argued Owsiany's report was tainted. They contended Owsiany
was a 'hired gun for the Republican Party.'" But anyway,
that's all water under the bridge. Owsiany's got other things
on his plate at the moment, not least of which is the fact
that he apparently had to step
down from his position last month "after the FBI
seized the hard drive of his office computer in a child pornography
investigation." Tsk, tsk.
Is there anything more embarrassing for a militant anti-abortion/anti-same-sex
marriage activist and all round right-wing nutcase than your
son revealing that he is gay? That's what just
happened to Randall Terry, the former head of Operation
Rescue. See, Terry's son Jamiel wrote a recent article for
Out magazine, and now Terry is pissed. Apparently
Jamiel, who Terry adopted when he was eight years old, came
out to his father two years ago, but making it public has
driven Terry bonkers. In a recent essay on right-wing turd-outlet
WorldNetDaily.com, he says that "Jamiel is incredibly
gifted. He is articulate and handsome. He sings like an angel,
he plays the piano, he's a great cook, and he's a great debater.
He would make a powerful lawyer and a formidable politician."
Now, I have no doubt that Jamiel is all those things and more,
which is why it's kinda confusing when Terry goes on to say,
"My son is a young man in crisis who needs intervention
and therapy, not heady interviews with CNN.... And Out
magazine is despicable for their participation in a sham and
exploiting my son for their own political agenda." Uh,
so your 24-year-old son would make a great lawyer or politician,
but he also needs intervention and therapy and Out
magazine is exploiting him? What a load of crap. Three big
cheers for Terry the Younger, several hundred large boos for
Terry the Elder.
Former Democrat-turned-traitor Sen. Ben Nighthorse-Campbell
of Colorado got into a spot of hot water last week when he
made a crass joke about the Coors Light twins. Campbell is
retiring this year, and beer magnate Pete Coors has indicated
that he will run on the Republican ticket to replace him.
So Rocky Mountain News columnist Mike Littwin decided
to ask Campbell about one of the most important issues of
the upcoming campaign - what he thought of the Coors Light
twins. Littwin showed the Senator a picture of the twins and
asked him if he saw a problem with it. "Whoa, what the
hell's the matter with that?" Campbell replied. "Hey, what
have you got in your pants?" Oh my, what... gravitas.
So Littwin dutifully reported the Senator's comments in his
column last week. But here's the funny thing: the day after
the column was published, Campbell claimed that he'd been
set up. "I didn't even say it. I had two of my staff
right with me, and I didn't even say it," he blustered.
"But, it miraculously showed up in print." Miraculously
indeed. Good job Littwin had a tape of the incident which
the Rocky Mountain News decided to publish on their
website, along with a convenient transcript. Enjoy
And now, a follow-up on last
week's story about Antonin Scalia having one of his goons
erase the tapes of two reporters who were recording a recent
speech he was giving at a Mississippi high school. Scalia
wrote an apology to both reporters, saying, "As I understand
it from press reports, a United States Marshal erased, or
caused you to erase, the tape recorder that you were using
for the purpose of assuring the accuracy of your press report.
I imagine that is an upsetting and indeed enraging experience..."
to the Associated Press, "vowed he would make it
clear in the future that recording his remarks for the use
of the print media would not be a problem." Said he,
"I have learned my lesson." Uh, hang on a second
- isn't it a bit late for a Supreme Court Justice to be learning
lessons about the First Amendment?
U.S. Forest Service
And finally, the U.S. Forest Service recently put out a brochure
which insists that more logging is imperative to prevent wildfires
in the Sierra Nevada. Want proof? The brochure contains six
photos which demonstrate how the "forests of the past"
were in fact much sparser than the forests of today. The photos
- taken in 1909, 1948, 1958, 1968, 1979 and 1989 - show an
open area of forest which, in each picture, becomes filled
with more and more trees and underbrush. The pamphlet says,
"Today's forests, dense with green, may seem beautiful,
but in fact are deadly... Our old-growth forests are choking
with brush, tinder-dry debris and dead trees which make the
risk of catastrophic fire high." There's just one tiny
problem - it was recently revealed
that the 1909 photo used in the brochure was taken
after the area had been logged, so that would explain the
large, open area with hardly any trees or underbrush. Oh yes,
and there's one other minor detail they left out of the brochure
- the 1909 photo was taken in Montana, which is nowhere near
the Sierra Nevada. In fact, the photo originally appeared
in a 1983 Forest Service research report and was captioned
"cleanup operations on the Lick Creek timber sale." A Forest
Service spokesperson said "Our goal here was to... increase
the clarity and understandability of our message. We needed
to be accurate but not necessarily precise to the 99th degree."
Well all I can say is thank goodness the Bush administration
has made blatant manipulation and outright distortion acceptable
in today's society, or someone would probably get into trouble
for this. See you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List