The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 151)
April
12, 2004
Patterns of Suspicious Activity Edition
The
9/11 investigation continued their public hearings last week,
and it was another big week for conservative idiocy. In fact,
I think this may be the first time ever that the first six
slots on the Top 10 list were taken by only three different
people. In order: Rice... Bush... Rice... Bush... Bush &
Cheney... Cheney. No surprises there. Condoleezza Rice (1,
3) laid it on thick before the commission, while George W.
Bush (2, 4, 5) was just thick. Good thing for him that he's
got Dick Cheney (5, 6) to hold his hand during these difficult
hearings. Meanwhile, we've got old favorites Antonin Scalia
(8) and Bill O'Reilly (10). And if you ever want to crucify
the Easter Bunny, don't miss #9 for some fundie hilarity.
Enjoy, and as usual, don't forget the key!
Condoleezza
Rice
So let's see... Condi Rice was told during the transition
that terrorism should be a top priority. There was warning
after warning after warning during the summer of 2001 that
an attack was coming. The August 6th Presidential Daily Briefing
(PDB) - which arrived while Bush was on
vacation - was entitled, "Bin Laden Determined to
Attack Inside the United States." The FBI and the CIA
knew that al Qaeda cells were operating inside the US, and
they knew that suspected terrorists were attending flight
schools. The PDB warned
that "FBI information since that time indicates patterns
of suspicious activity in this country consistent with preparations
for hijackings or other types of attacks, including recent
surveillance of federal buildings in New York." Rice
acknowledged during her testimony
that intelligence agencies had informed her of "Unbelievable
news in coming weeks�. Big event�. There will be a very, very,
very, very big uproar�. There will be attacks in the near
future." But... BUT... there wasn't a "silver bullet"
to stop al Qaeda, and there were so many systemic and
structural problems, and anyway, despite all the warnings,
we didn't actually know exactly when or where they
were going to attack... so what the heck, there really wasn't
much point in trying to do anything at all, was there.
George
W. Bush
According to Condoleezza Rice, terrorism was the Bush administration's
highest priority during the summer of 2001. "The president
of the United States had us at battle stations during this
period of time." Oh really? Here's what George W. Bush
had to say on August 6th, the day he received the now infamous
daily briefing which warned that Osama bin Laden was determined
to attack the United States and al Qaeda members were already
scouting federal buildings in New York: "No mulligans,
except on the first tee... That's just to loosen up. You see,
most people get to hit practice balls, but as you know, I'm
walking out here, I'm fixing to go hit. Tight back, older
guy - I hit the speed limit on July 6th." According
to the Washington Post, Bush's staff said at the
time that "by far the biggest issue on his agenda was
his decision on federal funding of stem cell research, followed
by education, immigration and the Social Security 'lockbox.'"
Now, during the rest of August, Bush did speak about
a "menace" which threatened America. His name was
- you guessed it - Saddam Hussein. "We are committed
to defending America and our allies against ballistic missile
attacks, against weapons of mass destruction held by rogue
leaders in rogue nations that hate America, hate our values
and hate what we stand for," he said on August 29. Well
I guess the focus on Saddam was well-deserved, because to
Bush's credit, at no point did Saddam attack the United States
with intercontinental ballistic missiles full of chemicals
or, uh, "reconstituted
nuclear weapons." Good job, George.
Condoleezza
Rice
One of the more interesting parts of Condi Rice's testimony
- aside from all the parts where she made it pretty clear
that hey, it's not the national security adviser's responsibility
to, uh, take care of the nation's security - was her response
to the question asking why there was no response to the USS
Cole attack. The Cole attack took place a few weeks before
the 2000 election and the FBI and CIA didn't have hard evidence
of who was responsible until January. But why was there no
follow-up from the Bush administration after they were installed?
After all, Richard Clarke presented Condoleezza Rice with
a memo on January 25th 2001, which included, "Appendix
A: Strategy for the elimination of the jihadist threat of
al Qaeda," and "Appendix B: Political military plan
for al Qaeda." Condi's answer to the question during
her testimony was: "I believe that there's a question
of whether or not you respond in a tactical sense or whether
you respond in a strategic sense; whether or not you decide
that you're going to respond to every attack with minimal
use of military force and go after every - on a kind of tit-for-tat
basis... I do not believe to this day that it would have been
a good thing to respond to the Cole, given the kinds of options
that we were going to have." So let me get this straight
- when Bill Clinton attacks bin Laden's training camps he's
"wagging the dog." But when he doesn't attack
bin Laden's training camps he's weak on terrorism. And now
here's Condi Rice saying that to this day she believes that
it wouldn't have done any good to respond to the attack on
the USS Cole anyway! Although, you can hardly blame her. Obviously
Saddam was a much higher priority in the war on terror than
Osama, what with all his weapons of mass destruction and stuff.
George
W. Bush
As Iraq burns, destruction abounds, and soldiers and civilians
alike are killed and injured, George W. Bush is on his 33rd
vacation to the presidential pig farm in Crawford, Texas.
Apparently a study by CBS News shows that Bush has spent all
or part of 233 days at his ranch, which - coincidentally -
is exactly the same
number of days during which his administration did nothing
to try to prevent 9/11 after coming to power. My, my. (Oh,
and apparently if you add in his trips to Camp David and Kennebunkport,
he's spent 500 days - or 40 percent of his presidency
- at one of his three retreats.) After watching Condoleezza
Rice's testimony last week, Our Great Leader apparently "toured
his ranch with National Rifle Association Chief Executive
Wayne LaPierre and other leaders of hunting groups and gave
an interview to Ladies' Home Journal." Well, got to get
your priorities in order I suppose. At a campaign event last
week John Kerry said: "I notice President Bush is taking some
days off down at Crawford, Texas, and I'm told that when he
takes days off, you know, he totally relaxes: He doesn't watch
television, he doesn't read the newspapers, he doesn't make
long-term plans, doesn't worry about the economy. I thought
about that for a moment. I said, sounds to me like it's just
like life in Washington, doesn't it?" According
to the Washington Post "White House communications
director Dan Bartlett retorted that Bush is 'not skiing' in
Texas." Well, uh, yeah. That would be pretty stupid.
George
W. Bush and Dick Cheney
Since we've been talking about testifying before the 9/11
Commission this week, we should probably note that George
W. Bush and Dick Cheney will be testifying before the panel
- not only in private, which is to be expected, but together.
Yes, that's right - Bush is such a hopeless case that he has
to have his vice president sit
in while the Commission ask questions. I mean, can you
imagine what it would be like to watch Bush go, alone,
through what Condi Rice went through last week? It would be
brutal. It's absolutely no wonder that he doesn't want
to testify by himself - because it would simply prove that
he doesn't know jack shit about what's been going on in his
own administration. See, Bush likes to delegate. That means
he sits on his ass - mostly in Crawford, or Kennebunkport,
or at Camp David - while his team of happy bureaucrats get
busy at their jobs. Or don't get busy at their jobs, if Condoleezza
Rice's testimony is anything to go by. Actually, making Bush
testify alone before the 9/11 Commission would probably count
as a form of cruel and unusual punishment. Thank goodness
Uncle Dick will be there to hold his hand - I'm sure the Commission
would hate to see a grown man cry.
Dick
Cheney
And speaking of Dick Cheney, here's a story which slipped
under the radar last week. If you've been paying attention
to the ongoing TV ad campaign put out by Team Bush, you may
be familiar with the attack ad which claims John Kerry would
raise gas prices by 50 cents a gallon. The ad is, of course,
a complete fabrication - in fact, John Kerry chose not to
co-sponsor or even vote for a Sen. Charles Robb bill which
would have phased in a 50 cent tax increase on gas ten years
ago. Funnily enough though, back in 1986 a Republican congressman
by the name of Dick Cheney introduced legislation that,
according
to the New York Times, would have "caused
the price of oil, and ultimately the price of gasoline paid
by drivers, to soar by billions of dollars per year."
Not only that, but according to both Democratic and Republican
lawmakers, "the Cheney plan and similar proposals [were]
'snake oil' that would throw 400,000 Americans out of work."
Shortly after introducing the legislation, Cheney said, "Let
us rid ourselves of the fiction that low oil prices are somehow
good for the United States." Tell you what Dick, how about,
"let us rid ourselves of the fiction that the Bush administration
is somehow good for the United States."
The
White House
More 9/11 investigation news: last week, for some bizarre
reason, the White House was preventing the 9/11 Commission
from seeing 69 Clinton-era documents "which include references
to al Qaeda, Osama bin Laden and other issues relevant to
the panel's work" according
to the Washington Post. Now why on earth would
the White House want to do that? After all, Bill Clinton did
absolutely nothing to fight terrorism, did he? Surely those
papers will simply demonstrate that Clinton's lackadaisical
approach toward al Qaeda was the benchmark for the Bush administration's
own policy towards terrorists - that they really didn't think
fighting al Qaeda was urgent, because the Clinton administration
didn't put a high priority on it. I mean, I honestly can't
possibly think of a single reason why the White House would
not want to release papers which are certain to bolster their
own claims and make their predecessors look bad. Oh... wait
a minute.
Antonin
Scalia
Yup, cover-ups and redactions seem to be the order of the
day for conservatives right now. Check this out - last week
Antonin Scalia forced
two reporters to erase the tape recordings they were making
during his speech at a Mississippi high school. Although the
audience was not warned beforehand that recordings would be
prohibited, a deputy federal marshal approached the reporters
in the middle of the speech and demanded that they blank their
tapes. According to the Associated Press, one reporter "initially
resisted, but later showed the deputy how to erase the digital
recording after the officer took the device from her hands.
The exchange occurred in the front row of the auditorium while
Scalia delivered his speech about the Constitution."
Said Scalia during his speech, "The Constitution of the United
States is extraordinary and amazing. People just don't revere
it like they used to." Damn straight, ever since they added
that stupid amendment about freedom of the press this whole
country's gone straight down the tubes.
Glassport
Assembly of God
Yesterday was Easter Sunday, and what better way to introduce
young children to the loving teachings of Jesus Christ than
by... whipping the Easter bunny. That's what happened at a
fundie nutcase performance at the Glassport, PA, memorial
stadium last week, and the children loved it. Just kidding
- they were horrified. According
to the Associated Press, "Melissa Salzmann, who took
her 4-year-old son J.T., said the program was inappropriate
for young children. 'He was crying and asking me why the bunny
was being whipped,' Salzmann said." Not only that, but
apparently, "Performers broke eggs meant for an Easter
egg hunt and also portrayed a drunken man and a self-mutilating
woman." Because let's face it folks, it was Jesus Christ
himself who said, "Suffer little children, and forbid
them not, to come unto me: for I will kick the crap, out of
the Easter bunny, and smash all their Easter eggs, and teach
them a short, sharp lesson, about who's the boss around here,
you little bastards. Why, I oughta..."
Bill
O'Reilly
And finally: Good Lord, is there anything Bill O'Reilly
won't cry about? Last week our no-spin friend was pissing
and moaning about the launch of Air
America, the new liberal radio network. "Never in the
history of the American press has one tiny enterprise gotten
so much free publicity," whined
O'Reilly during the Talking Points Memo of his TV show (which
he uses to cross-promote his radio show, naturally). "The
reason, of course, is that the elites want liberal bomb throwers
to embarrass and defame people with whom they disagree. It's
like hiring hit men and women." Oh for heaven's sake, Bill.
First of all, you're sitting smack dab in the middle of a
massive conservative media empire, so why don't you just dry
those tears and cheer yourself up by thinking of the millions
of people that you, Limbaugh, Hannity, Savage, North, Reagan,
Liddy, etc., etc., etc., brainwash every single day of the
week. Feel better now? Good. So here's my theory - perhaps
Air America is big news specifically because there
are hardly any liberal voices in the media. It's simple man-bites-dog
principle. I mean, who wants to read a story about yet another
boring conservative gasbag with a radio show? It's not like
there aren't enough of you around, Bill. See you next week!
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